Zolastraya and the Bard 1

Zolastraya and the Bard #1
Released	May 5, 2014
Running time	21:11
Previous review	Bill and Ted's Excellent Comic Book 1
Next review	PSA Hell: Superman: For the Animals 1
Tagline	Time to go on an adventure! With cameos!
Link	http://atopthefourthwall.com/zolastraya-and-the-bard-1/

(Open on Linkara sitting on a hotel bed instead of on his futon)

Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. (rubs his chin in thought) You know what we've never done on this show before? A fantasy comic!* (cover for "Marville #1" pops up) No, no, I mean a sword-and-sorcery comic, not someone's delusions. (cover for "Bimbos in Time" pops up) I hate you, editor. But anyway, yeah, because I'm at a convention right now, what better time is there for an adventure!

• NOTE: Actually, Linkara did review fantasy comics before (including a comic version of "World of Warcraft"), which he mentions as one of his screw-ups in a later "Top 15 Screw-Ups" video.

(Linkara runs off briefly, then returns wearing a fantasy-themed costume (with his show's logo on his chest))

Linkara: Huzzah! And to get us in the mood for this adventure, let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "Zolastraya and the Bard #1".

(Title sequence plays; title card is set to Green Day's "Basket Case")

Linkara: (gasping for breath and clutching his head) I've been holding my breath since the theme song started. So, uh, what's the backstory for this comic? (shrugs) Hell if I know. Welcome back to "Black-and-White Independent Comic of the '80s Theater"! (awkward pause) I need a pithier title than that.

(Cut to a closeup of the cover for a comic called "C.R.O.W.BAR 9")

Linkara (v/o): So, yeah, like I said, black-and-white independent comic of the '80s. We've touched on this before: how the rise of the direct market, AKA comic book stores...

(Cut to a shot of the cover of another comic: "Mildly Microwaved Pre-Pubescent Kung-Fu Gophers")

Linkara (v/o): ...granted an opportunity for new creators independent of big companies like Marvel and DC to get their work out to people. Aaaand most of it was absolute garbage.

(Cut to a shot of the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #1")

Linkara (v/o): For every "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", there are ten wannabe superheroes and twenty other comics of varying genres, usually sci-fi or parody stuff.

(Cut to shots of comics by Solson)

Linkara (v/o): Or, you have the likes of Solson, purveyors of fine sequential art like "Samurai Santa" or "Sultry Teenage Super-Foxes".

(Cut to a shot of a cover for a comic called "Geriatric Gangrene Jujitsu Gerbils")

Linkara (v/o): And because there are so damn many of these kinds of comics, it's hard to find anything of substance about the companies or people who produced them, unless they actually had a career after their books tanked.

(Cut back to the Zolastraya cover)

Linkara (v/o): So what do I have for "Zolastraya and the Bard"? Only that the title character is based on one of the creative team, also named Zolastraya, although I could be pronouncing it wrong, thanks to the diacriticals over the O and the A in the name [which are umlauts], and I don't really care to learn more. And the only thing I could learn about her is that back in the '80s, she briefly dated Dave "Feminine Void Absorbing My Male Light" Sim, creator of the critically-acclaimed "Cerebus" comic, and even that's based on second-hand information I found from a Cerebus Yahoo message group. I have no reason to doubt its authenticity. Basically, all it says is that they used to date, and Zolastraya herself thinks that this comic itself is crap. Also, that in 2008, she was working on a comic called "Helen of Troy", but no idea if it ever got published.

Linkara: So yeah, this comic is a complete mystery to me. And a mystery is like an adventure! (beat) And a really crappy comic is like a really disappointing adventure.

Linkara (v/o): The cover is completely uninteresting and bland, just a picture of Zolastraya holding a giant sword in front of a white background. The only color present is her skin, eyes and lipstick. Well, thank goodness they made sure the cover was in color. It was a great use of that to excite the imagination. (reading text on cover) "She's sexy. She's tough."

Linkara: She's what people think a (makes "finger quotes") "strong female character" is, instead of just being well-rounded and believable.

Linkara (v/o): (reading) "She's neurotic!"

Linkara: She is one of those melodramatic fools. Neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it.

Linkara (v/o): (reading) "And she's NOT in a very good MOOD!!!"

Linkara: Neither am I, and I haven't even gotten to the actual content of the book yet.

(The door opens and KaiserNeko comes in)

KaiserNeko: Linkara!

Linkara: KaiserNeko of Team Four Star?!

KN: That is definitely my name and group I am affiliated with for expositional purposes.

Linkara: What can I do for you, sir?

KN: I've come to bring you on... (poses dramatically) an adventure!

Linkara: (excitedly) An adventure?! Can it wait until after I'm finished reviewing a comic book?

KN: (dramatically) Yes, it can! (leaves)

Linkara (v/o): We open with the comic book equivalent of a movie text crawl providing us the backstory.

Text: Twist of Fate: In the far off mists of time, the mighty & powerful Aesir, guardians of Asgard, were locked in mortal combat with the dark forces bent on the destruction of the Aesir's reign...

Linkara: Star Wars, Episode VII makes the bold of being yet another prequel.

Text: ...the final conflict that could end their world: Ragna-Rok.

Linkara: I don't know if that's the correct way to spell "Ragnarok", but I do love how that spelling makes it look more like a heavy metal concert than the apocalypse.

Text: The tales of the Aesir's valor in the great struggle were legend, but none could surpass those sung of the great warrior goddess: Zolastraya.

Linkara: Not that the songs were any better, just that they were sung much louder than the others.

Text: Here begins, my friends, the tales of her exploits... from the epic poem of Taliesin the Bard.

Linkara: (holding up comic) Order your copy of Taliesin the Bard's epic poem now and receive (holds up a t-shirt) this free t-shirt.

Linkara (v/o): We truly open with Zolastraya debating with herself whether to get out of bed.

Zolastraya: Why should I bother to get up? It never makes a difference... Every day is the same.

Linkara: Our hero, everybody: the Norse goddess equivalent of Ferris Bueller.

Linkara (v/o): Zolastraya is naturally talking to herself since, well, no one else seems to be around to talk to her. While she goes off to a pond to bathe, she explains to the trees, I guess, that she had refused to marry an asshole named Halfdan...

Linkara: She was more attracted to his brother, Three Quarters Dan.

Linkara (v/o): ...and as a result, she was sent away to this place... whatever it is. Also, it looks like she was keeping her body wash in wine bottles.

Zolastraya: I hate them all! Why have they done this to me? They are making me crazy!!

Linkara (v/o): Oh, come on, this place doesn't look so bad. At least you've got natural wood paneling everywhere. It gives it a nice woodsy feel. So she gets dressed and complains some more – gotta love how our first impression of our hero is her whining exposition to herself – and resolves to not give in.

Zolastraya: What do those royal buffoons expect of me anyway? To put my tail between my legs and cowl like a scared dog?!?

Linkara: I don't know many dogs who put on hoods.

(Suddenly, Linkara's hotel room door opens again, and Lanipator comes in)

Lanipator: Actually, Linkara, "cowl" can be used as a transitive verb as well.

Linkara: Lanipator, also of Team Four Star?!

Lanipator: That is indeed who I am.

Linkara: Yeah, I know it can be used in that variety, but why not just use "cower"?

Lanipator: You'll find out if you go on... an adventure!

Linkara: Still got a comic to review.

Lanipator: (shrugs) 'Kay. (leaves)

Zolastraya: The goddess Zolastraya will – not – be – intimidated!

Linkara: (as Zolastraya) The goddess Zolastraya will – speak – in – the – third – person – and – put – pauses – between – her – words!

Linkara (v/o): She worries for a bit if she's become weak after spending so much time here on her own, and there's a brief panel depicting what appears to be a gorilla in shadows talking to some kind of imp. All the gorilla asks is if they've captured Zolastraya yet. Aaaand back to Zolastraya talking to herself. Suddenly, two blackbirds land on her hand – no doubt named Phobos and Deimos – and her reaction upon them landing is for her to exclaim...

Zolastraya: WHAT? POACHERS? IN MY WOOD? I'LL DRAW* THEIR BLOOD!

• NOTE: She actually says "drain their blood", not "draw their blood".

(Cut to a clip of Into the Woods – the original version, not the 2014 Disney version)

Little Red Riding Hood: (to Cinderella) You can talk to birds?

(Back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): In her anger, she storms off down a path, swearing she'll kill them with her bare hands and slice them to ribbons and rip out their hearts. So naturally, she's using a bow and arrow when she finally reaches the poachers.

Zolastraya: There they are– the bastards! I wonder how they would like an arrow... THROUGH THE HEART!

Linkara: (as one of the poachers) Uh, madam, we can hear you, you know. And to answer your question, no, we would not care for it.

Linkara (v/o): And just to continue our theme of thinking out loud, when this Genghis Khan-looking dude runs at her, she keeps urging him to come closer, to the point that when she's about to chop off his head, he's able to block it with his own sword, almost like he knew she was there. The great warrior goddess Zolastraya, everyone! Actually, I'm being unfair since she easily manages to fend off several attackers, kill a few of them, and then use precognition to know what a guy is going to say to her before he even says it.

Zolastraya: Wench?!?

Genghis Khan-like swordsman: You'll have to do better than that, pretty wench...

Linkara (v/o): Yeah, obviously, they're supposed to be read the other way around, but that's what happens when you don't know how to place your word balloons properly. Also, she apparently hates being called "wench".

Zolastraya: I hate that!

Linkara: Yeah, don't worry, Barb Wire, we won't call you "babe".

Linkara (v/o): After killing a few more, she steps into a net trap that apparently these guys had time to set up and is hoisted into the air.

Zolastraya: What MAGIC is this that BINDS me?

Linkara: As always in fiction, nets are the most powerful weapon in your arsenal. (looks at the black material of his cape) Hmm...

(He pulls the cape over his head; then, with a scream, he falls over)

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