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'''KN:''' I've come to bring you on... ''(poses dramatically) an adventure!''
  
'''KN:''' I've come to bring you on... ''(poses dramatically) an adventure!''
   
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'''Linkara:''' An adventure?! Can it wait until after I'm finished reviewing a comic book?
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'''Linkara:''' ''(excitedly)'' An adventure?! Can it wait until after I'm finished reviewing a comic book?
   
 
'''KN:''' ''(dramatically)'' Yes, it can! ''(leaves)''
  
'''KN:''' ''(dramatically)'' Yes, it can! ''(leaves)''
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'''Linkara (v/o):''' We open with the comic book equivalent of a movie text crawl providing us the backstory.
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'''Text:''' Twist of Fate: In the far off mists of time, the mighty & powerful Aesir, guardians of Asgard, were locked in mortal combat with the dark forces bent on the destruction of the Aesir's reign...
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'''Linkara:''' ''[[Star Wars: The Force Awakens|Star Wars, Episode VII]]'' makes the bold of being yet another prequel.
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'''Text:''' ...the final conflict that could end their world: Ragna-Rok.
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'''Linkara:''' I don't know if that's the correct way to spell "Ragnarok", but I do love how that spelling makes it look more like a heavy metal concert than the apocalypse.
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'''Text:''' The tales of the Aesir's valor in the great struggle were legend, but none could surpass those sung of the great warrior goddess: Zolastraya.
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'''Linkara:''' Not that the songs were any better, just that they were sung much louder than the others.
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'''Text:''' Here begins, my friends, the tales of her exploits... from the epic poem of Taliesin the Bard.
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'''Linkara:''' ''(holding up comic)'' Order your copy of Taliesin the Bard's epic poem now and receive ''(holds up a t-shirt)'' this free t-shirt.
   
 
'''This guide is not complete. Please finish.'''
  
'''This guide is not complete. Please finish.'''

Revision as of 18:24, 18 February 2019

Zolastraya and the Bard #1

At4w zolastraya and the bard 1 by mtc studios-d7guuiz-768x339

Released
May 5, 2014
Running time
21:11
Previous review
Next review
Tagline
Time to go on an adventure! With cameos!
Link

(Open on Linkara sitting on a hotel bed instead of on his futon)

Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. (rubs his chin in thought) You know what we've never done on this show before? A fantasy comic!* (cover for "Marville #1" pops up) No, no, I mean a sword-and-sorcery comic, not someone's delusions. (cover for "Bimbos in Time" pops up) I hate you, editor. But anyway, yeah, because I'm at a convention right now, what better time is there for an adventure!

(Linkara runs off briefly, then returns wearing a fantasy-themed costume (with his show's logo on his chest))

Linkara: Huzzah! And to get us in the mood for this adventure, let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "Zolastraya and the Bard #1".

(Title sequence plays; title card is set to Green Day's "Basket Case")

Linkara: (gasping for breath and clutching his head) I've been holding my breath since the theme song started. So, uh, what's the backstory for this comic? (shrugs) Hell if I know. Welcome back to "Black-and-White Independent Comic of the '80s Theater"! (awkward pause) I need a pithier title than that.

(Cut to a closeup of the cover for a comic called "C.R.O.W.BAR 9")

Linkara (v/o): So, yeah, like I said, black-and-white independent comic of the '80s. We've touched on this before: how the rise of the direct market, AKA comic book stores...

(Cut to a shot of the cover of another comic: "Mildly Microwaved Pre-Pubescent Kung-Fu Gophers")

Linkara (v/o): ...granted an opportunity for new creators independent of big companies like Marvel and DC to get their work out to people. Aaaand most of it was absolute garbage.

(Cut to a shot of the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #1")

Linkara (v/o): For every "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", there are ten wannabe superheroes and twenty other comics of varying genres, usually sci-fi or parody stuff.

(Cut to shots of comics by Solson)

Linkara (v/o): Or, you have the likes of Solson, purveyors of fine sequential art like "Samurai Santa" or "Sultry Teenage Super-Foxes".

(Cut to a shot of a cover for a comic called "Geriatric Gangrene Jujitsu Gerbils")

Linkara (v/o): And because there are so damn many of these kinds of comics, it's hard to find anything of substance about the companies or people who produced them, unless they actually had a career after their books tanked.

(Cut back to the Zolastraya cover)

Linkara (v/o): So what do I have for "Zolastraya and the Bard"? Only that the title character is based on one of the creative team, also named Zolastraya, although I could be pronouncing it wrong, thanks to the diacriticals over the O and the A in the name [which are umlauts], and I don't really care to learn more. And the only thing I could learn about her is that back in the '80s, she briefly dated Dave "Feminine Void Absorbing My Male Light" Sim, creator of the critically-acclaimed "Cerebus" comic, and even that's based on second-hand information I found from a Cerebus Yahoo message group. I have no reason to doubt its authenticity. Basically, all it says is that they used to date, and Zolastraya herself thinks that this comic itself is crap. Also, that in 2008, she was working on a comic called "Helen of Troy", but no idea if it ever got published.

Linkara: So yeah, this comic is a complete mystery to me. And a mystery is like an adventure! (beat) And a really crappy comic is like a really disappointing adventure.

Linkara (v/o): The cover is completely uninteresting and bland, just a picture of Zolastraya holding a giant sword in front of a white background. The only color present is her skin, eyes and lipstick. Well, thank goodness they made sure the cover was in color. It was a great use of that to excite the imagination. (reading text on cover) "She's sexy. She's tough."

Linkara: She's what people think a (makes "finger quotes") "strong female character" is, instead of just being well-rounded and believable.

Linkara (v/o): (reading) "She's neurotic!"

Linkara: She is one of those melodramatic fools. Neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it.

Linkara (v/o): (reading) "And she's NOT in a very good MOOD!!!"

Linkara: Neither am I, and I haven't even gotten to the actual content of the book yet.

(The door opens and KaiserNeko comes in)

KaiserNeko: Linkara!

Linkara: KaiserNeko of Team Four Star?!

KN: That is definitely my name and group I am affiliated with for expositional purposes.

Linkara: What can I do for you, sir?

KN: I've come to bring you on... (poses dramatically) an adventure!

Linkara: (excitedly) An adventure?! Can it wait until after I'm finished reviewing a comic book?

KN: (dramatically) Yes, it can! (leaves)

Linkara (v/o): We open with the comic book equivalent of a movie text crawl providing us the backstory.

Text: Twist of Fate: In the far off mists of time, the mighty & powerful Aesir, guardians of Asgard, were locked in mortal combat with the dark forces bent on the destruction of the Aesir's reign...

Linkara: Star Wars, Episode VII makes the bold of being yet another prequel.

Text: ...the final conflict that could end their world: Ragna-Rok.

Linkara: I don't know if that's the correct way to spell "Ragnarok", but I do love how that spelling makes it look more like a heavy metal concert than the apocalypse.

Text: The tales of the Aesir's valor in the great struggle were legend, but none could surpass those sung of the great warrior goddess: Zolastraya.

Linkara: Not that the songs were any better, just that they were sung much louder than the others.

Text: Here begins, my friends, the tales of her exploits... from the epic poem of Taliesin the Bard.

Linkara: (holding up comic) Order your copy of Taliesin the Bard's epic poem now and receive (holds up a t-shirt) this free t-shirt.

This guide is not complete. Please finish.

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