General Zod: Greetings, Planet Houston. I am General Zod. And may I wish you all… a Merry Zodmas.
Standard opening graphic.
Next, in the confusion of your incredibly peculiar holiday, we are going to talk about… Christmas Carols. [pauses, then says deadpan] Fa-la-la-la-la.
We dissolve to the words “Christmas Carols” in cursive letters, slowly zooming in over CG snowfall. Cut back to Zod.
First, who is Carol? And why does she have songs named after her?
You never hear anyone say, “I want to go Zodding tonight.”
Though I have heard “Zod off” occasionally.
Why do people go from home to home, pestering innocents while they sleep?
If five people came up to my house and started singing, I would nuke them!
I always hear songs like “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” or “Frosty the Snowman.”
Freaks of nature!
Why must we celebrate these beasts with song?
They should be captured, dissected, and studied for the benefit of mankind.
That way, I can make you more effective slaves.
Singing about these abominations isn’t gonna make your Christmas any jollier.
Who is the smartass that came up with the idea, “Hey, why don’t we bring the karaoke bar outside?
“Better, why don’t we force it on EVERY SINGLE house we come across?
“And we’ll be so schnockered that we won’t even realize we’re freezing to death!
“These fermented fruit and vegetable drinks make me feel great! I can barely even feel my heart stopping!
If we’re lucky, maybe they’ll pass out more fermented fruit and vegetable drink. So we can get hypothermia even faster!”
And I will note the amount of songs that are dedicated to that perverted, fat German.
What’s next? A song about John Wayne Gacy?
Jack the Ripper, no doubt.How come there are no carols about General Zod?
I can think of many good jingles that would involve me.
Here’s one right now!
[singing and swaying as he looks up] Deck the halls with- [looks back at us and does the pointed left-hand motion] KKNNNEEEEEEEEELLL!!!
[to the tune of “Silent Night”] Kryptonite, Kryptonite…
[to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”] Zod the Evil Overlord / Was a very gracious tyrant…
[to the chorus of “The First Noel”] Jor-El, Jor-El / I hate you, Jor-El…
I can assure you, you would love to hear that played in the stores all day.
Josh Groban can blow me.
[looks off screen-right] No, wait. [back at us and points at us with his left hand] I WILL BLOW HIM! [brings his hand to his chest, clenching it] With the power of my heat vision.
[looks off-screen] What?
I will make an album out of these songs, and they will be a great hit!
I’ll call them “Zongs!”
[shaking his finger at us] “ZODMAS Zongs!”
Try saying that three times fast; I will not.
Final sum-up: [graphic appears to the right of him that says:] Christmas Carols Have No Place in the Zodonian People’s Republic of Houston.
They can Jingle All the Way to the garbage can of my discontent.
This is General Zod, [leans in] and you will all kneel before me.
[singing and swaying as he looks up] Deck the halls with- [looks back at us and does the pointed left-hand motion] KKNNNEEEEEEEEELLL!!! [he finishes with a dramatic look on his face] Seriously, I think it’ll catch on.
Standard credits; but after they start, we hear Zod say:
You WILL LISTEN to my hit singles!