Zeus and Roxanne
August 03, 2010
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. This is one of those movies that doesn’t even need an introduction. I don’t need to say anything about it. (He holds up the DVD cover for “Zeus and Roxanne” before the camera) All you gotta do is look at the fucking cover. (Close-up on the DVD cover) If you didn’t laugh your ass off looking at this, then call the insane asylum, they’ve been looking for you. (He slams the DVD box on his desk) This is “Zeus and Roxanne.”
(The movie title for “Zeus and Roxanne” appears, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)
NC (voiceover): From the brilliant director of “The Neverending Story 2,” here’s a story about a dog and a dolphin who befriend one another. How can you even say that with a straight face? A dog and a dolphin. What, was there no room for a pony and a chipmunk to join the fun? And to make sure that there’s absolutely nothing redeemable about this movie, they added Steve Guttenberg. What a cherry on top!
NC: So, for all of those who always wanted to see “Flipper” meets “Lassie,” GET SOME FUCKING HELP! For the rest of us, this is “Zeus and Roxanne.”
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): So we open up with a pretty sunrise over the ocean. (mocks the opening singer from “The Lion King”) Nyahhhhhhhhhhh, this movie suuuuuuuucks! You got totally screwed! (as the background singers from “The Lion King”) Did you even see the poster? (as the opening singer) You paid money for this.
(Cut to Zeus the dog curiously looking at Roxanne the dolphin making jumps over the ocean’s surface; Zeus waves with his paw)
NC (voiceover): Wow, this movie wastes no time sucking, does it? It simply jumps right into the heart of what’s going to be absolutely horrible about this premise! (Roxanne squeaks for Zeus while keeping herself on her tail on the water’s surface; Zeus barks and stands on his hind legs) So dog likes dolphin; How touching and creepy. But surely there’s some human characters to balance out the insipidness of this story. (Zeus returns home to lick his owner Terry Barnett (Guttenberg) in the face) Hey, I said human! That’s Steve Guttenberg!
Terry Barnett: (after Zeus leaves him) Ah! Dog germs! (His son Jordan is cooking something in the kitchen; Terry is half-awake) Do I smell dinner?
Jordan: (leaves the kitchen to bring out Terry’s meal) Breakfast.
Terry: I knew that.
Jordan: You’ve been up all night again, huh?
Terry: Mmm. Sorry, it’s just that, uh, (He gives Jordan a side hug) I’ve been working on this melody and…
NC (voiceover): What, did he marry this kid or something? He’s cooking for him, he’s trying to be responsible for him, who knew owning a Steve Guttenberg would be so much work?
Terry: So what’s in this burrito? (He starts to take a bite into his breakfast)
Jordan: Refried beans, onions, jalapenos, peanut butter, mozzarella cheese, pineapple chunks…
(Cut to Terry peeking his head outside to whisper to Zeus, who’s resting on the porch)
Terry: (whispers) Zeus! Psst! (He secretly lays out the breakfast burrito for Zeus, who comes over to eat it) Good boy. Yes, eat it up. Thank you, thank you.
Jordan: Oh, good! You finished yours. I’ll go get you another one.
(We hear a trumpet go “Wah-wah-wah-wahhh” and NC shrugs)
NC (voiceover): So this is Terry and his son Jordan. They have a summer home in Key West and live right next door to a marine biologist named Mary Beth and her two daughters Judith and Nora. The only downside is that their dog Zeus seems to keep getting into trouble over at Mary Beth’s house.
(Cut to Mary Beth sputtering and rubbing the dirt off herself, presumably after Zeus got into trouble while she was gardening)
Terry: I’m so sorry. I’m Terry Barnett.
Mary Beth Dunhill: (shakes hands with Terry) Mary Beth.
Terry: Mary Beth. (awkward silence passes as he continues looking at her)
NC: (as Terry) Excuse me, my forced wide-eyed whimsicalness seems to follow me to every performance.
(Cut to Terry meeting Judith and Nora)
Terry: (speaking like an ape man to introduce himself) Me Terry. You?
Terry: (points to Nora, still speaking like an ape man) You?
Terry: (as an ape man) Gooooood. (He walks away)
NC (voiceover): Oh, wait, you forgot to make that charming or clever. So while Guttenberg agrees to keep a closer eye on Zeus, he writes jingles for his next commercial. That’s right, he writes jingles for commercials. Who knew that could pay for a summer home in Key West? Next you’ll be telling me that Internet reviewers can make a living making fun of movies. (scoffs)
(Zeus and Terry watch Mary Beth ride off on her bike; Zeus gazes at a photo of Roxanne that’s on a clipboard in Mary Beth’s basket (we hear sexy music over this); Zeus loosens himself from his collar and leash and dashes after Mary Beth)
NC (voiceover): Good old Guttenberg! Keeping a close eye on their dog to make sure that no danger may befall him! Idiot!
(Mary Beth enters her place of work while Zeus runs up the stairs that lead to the inside)
NC (voiceover): (as Zeus) Dolphin! Dolphin! I’m a dog who’s wanting for a dolphin! Don’t ask me why, I just want a dolphin! Dolphin!
NC (voiceover): (normal) So we see that Mary Beth is trying to get a grant for her research on a dolphin named Roxanne. The only problem is she has competition with…
Claude Carver (Arnold Vosloo): I didn’t know I ever had one.
NC: AHH! THE MUMMY!
(A piece of the “The Mummy” (1999) musical score plays over when Claude speaks to Mary Beth before he leaves)
Claude: Let me know if you change your mind.
NC: I can respect you trying to kill Brendan Fraser, but you leave Mary Beth alone!
NC (voiceover): So our species-confused canine follows Mary Beth through extreme measures to get on board and see Roxanne.
(Zeus climbs up high above to jump onto the back of Mary Beth’s moving boat)
NC (voiceover): (as Claude, who watches the whole thing happen) By the sequel rights of “Darkman”!
NC (voiceover): (normal) So our two scientists discover that Zeus is onboard and decide there’s nothing they can do but continue on to Roxanne.
(Cut to a long shot of the boat out in the middle of the ocean)
Background Singers (from “Gilligan’s Island”): Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale / A tale of a fateful trip.
NC (voiceover): So they finally come across the chipper Roxanne as Zeus wants to get a closer look at her.
(Sexy music plays over Zeus taking a closer look at Roxanne through a window below the water’s surface)
NC (voiceover): OK, this is getting scary. Zeus obviously has a sick obsession that is probably not very healthy.
NC: Don’t believe me? Then check out his porn!
(Cut to a Photoshopped image of two dolphins wearing bikinis under the title “Play Porpoise” with captions “Blowjobs and Blowholes” and “Inside: Flipper’s Zipper” on either side; a dramatic music sting is played over this)
NC (voiceover): So then it looks like their research is over, they pull up the anchor and take off.
(Cut to Zeus standing at the very back of the boat and slides off into the water once the boat starts moving)
NC: YES! Yes, yes, yes! That was awesome! Let’s play that again!
(The clip of Zeus sliding off into the water is played again
NC: (laughs like an idiot at this) Oh, my God! I can watch that a million times!
(The same clip is played repeatedly with the sound effect of a slide whistle put in there)
NC: (laughs like an idiot) Thank you for that, movie. I really needed that. (laughs a bit more) OK, continue to suck now.
(Zeus struggles to swim and whimpers as the boat continues onward; cut to the camera looking up at Zeus swimming at the surface as we hear the familiar “Jaws” theme music and a shark approaches him; Roxanne comes to the rescue by punching the shark with her nose)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) What? Did I just see that? A dolphin just punched a shark in the fucking mouth! Are you fucking serious? (Footage of Roxanne punching the shark in the mouth is slowed down as NC speaks) Good Lord! Who knew a dolphin punch was so deadly?
NC: Why wouldn’t we get those things at Pearl Harbor? They would’ve saved the day!
(Cut to an animation of a Japanese fighter plane flying in the sky)
NC (voiceover): (as the Japanese bomber) Ah, we shall bomb the harbor, and—(A giant dolphin pops out below screen) Oh, my God! Giant dolphin! (The dolphin bops the plane downward with its nose, and the plane goes crashing down) AHHHHH!
NC: Fear the dolphin punch! It knocks out sharks.
(The caption “Dolphin Punch” appears below NC)
Announcer: (speaks like Captain Falcon) Dolphinnnn-PUNCH!
(Back to the movie)
Becky (the other scientist): Oh, my gosh. (gestures Mary Beth to come over) Come here!
(Cut to Zeus being carried over to the boat on Roxanne’s back)
Mary Beth: Get the camera.
NC (voiceover): (as Mary Beth, whispering) I have to document how stupid this moment is!
NC (voiceover): (normal) So it turns out not only do the dog and the dolphin like each other, but they can also communicate with each other.
(Zeus barks and Roxanne squeaks to each other; NC’s respective subtitles appear below them as they “speak”)
Zeus: I’ve always loved you.
Roxanne: That’s totally gross, you’re an abomination.
Zeus: Come on, my balls are gone but I can still get the job done.
Roxanne: JESUS you’re nasty! Get the fuck away from me, perv!
NC (voiceover): So Mary Beth thinks she’s a shoe-in for the grant, but first she has to ask Guttenberg’s son if it’s alright to keep using him.
(Jordan takes modeling photos of Zeus in his room)
Mary Beth: (admires Jordan’s artwork on his bedroom wall) Wow! Did you do all these?
Jordan: Yeah! (He points to a particular picture on the wall) That one’s gonna be the cover for my dad’s opera score.
(We see a black and white photo of Zeus in an outfit against a black background and a collage of wrapping paper patterns on either side of him)
NC (voiceover): So let me get this straight. We have a dog who has a strange obsession with a dolphin and a boy who has a strange obsession with a dog. This is like a psychiatric case from Doctor Doolittle!
Mary Beth: It might be interesting to get the two together, Zeus and Roxanne, and just see how things are to go from there.
NC (voiceover): The son agrees as they all go out to see to watch the two communicate.
(Cut to Zeus and Roxanne playing with a soccer ball by catching it back and forth)
Phil (Claude’s Assistant): What’s she doing out there with that dog?
Claude: I’ll tell you what she’s doing. She’s trying to steal my grant. Well, that’s just not gonna happen. No sir!
NC: (as Claude) I was just establishing that I was the villain of this picture. D-Did you get that? D-Did you get that I was the villain of this picture? Because I am! Because I don’t want her to get my grant! No sir! (pretends to look through binoculars before putting his hands down to look at the camera) Villain! (returns to pretending to view through his “binoculars”)
NC (voiceover): So we see Mary Beth’s daughters get in trouble for trespassing, but luckily, Rebel Without a Career (Terry) drops by to talk with the cop. He seems to convince the cop to let the girls go as he quite illegally drives all of them away on his motorcycle. This, of course, leads to more quirky awkward talk from our romantic leads.
Nora: (as she and Judith secretly watch Mary Beth and Terry through a window) She’s asking him out.
(Mary Beth and Terry shake hands at Terry’s motorcycle outside)
Terry: Yeah. You could— (He shows her to give a low five, and she does) Right.
(Cut to a montage of quick random shots that focus on Mary Beth and Terry)
NC: (sputters in confusion) What—Hey! What—but, I, what? What, hey! What? (Pauses a bit before speaking like a ship captain) BAD MONTAGE OFF THE PORT BOW! (normal) So while Jordan takes a picture of… (Zeus wears a strange frog-like mask) …my nightmare for the next two weeks, Mary Beth and Guttenberg seem to hit it off quite well…by the movie’s standards. For the rest of us, it’s like watching a bad episode of “Blind Date.”
(An arrow points to Terry as the caption “Is afraid she’s seen his Police Academy movies” appears at the bottom of the screen)
Terry: This, uh, this Claude guy. Do you see him?
Mary Beth: Every day. He’s a head honcho at the institute. (Terry nods while eating and a thought bubble that says “Just keep nodding” appears next to him) I used to be his assistant.
Mary Beth: But we had a parting of the ways.
Terry: Would it be tactless to ask over what?
(An image of Therapist Joe appears along with the caption “Therapist Joe says: If you have to ask, then YES!”)
Mary Beth: Third party.
Terry: Oh, I…I apologize. Never mind. I…
Mary Beth: A dolphin.
(Terry raises his head up as another thought bubble that says “KINKY!” appears next to him)
NC (voiceover): So after Guttenberg and Mary Beth make it to first base, we see our villain try to sneak peek at her research.
(Claude looks to see Becky walk by and thinks she could be a potential witness)
Claude: Damn! (He closes up Mary Beth’s research while moving his lips quickly for some reason)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) What is he doing with his lips? What, did he turn into Beaker from “The Muppets” for a second?
Claude: Damn! (NC pretends to speak like Beaker while Claude quickly moves his lips and closes up Mary Beth’s research)
NC (voiceover): So he escapes and sees if he can try dolphin communication with other animals. But sadly, none of them have the sick, disturbing love that Zeus and Roxanne seem to feel for each other. Hey, speaking of which, we haven’t seen much of them, have we? I mean, we’re at the hour mark here, and we’ve only had two scenes with the animals together. One was ten minutes, and the other was under five! They should have just called this movie “Guttenberg and Mary Steenburgen Look-Alike.” That would have been more accurate!
(Cut to Mary Beth and Jordan riding in a submersible)
Mary Beth: Uh-oh. Drift nets. They kill thousands of dolphins every year. Come on, let’s lead Roxanne out of here.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, we don’t want her to get caught in those nets. Now, if a fucking shark comes along, that’s OK. But if she gets caught in one of those nets, phew! It’s all over. So after a few dates, our lovebirds decide Guttenberg should move in with Mary Beth, but this leads to some issues as he starts thinking about his deceased wife.
Terry: (to Mary Beth) Who am I doing this for? Are we doing this for us? Are we doing this for the Rothman Foundation? Are we doing it for the kids?
Mary Beth: All of the above.
Terry: I don’t know.
NC: I think you missed a line. You’re supposed to say, “I’m having second thoughts,” she’s supposed to say “Why?” and then he says—OK, you don’t know. So because Guttenberg doesn’t know, he decides he wants to move away and take Zeus and Jordan with him. This leads to the most groundbreaking question that this movie—No, no. ANY movie—has ever asked in the history of man.
Judith: If a dog and a dolphin can get along, why can’t our mom and his dad?
(A brass fanfare plays as NC speaks)
NC: My God! It was so simple all this time! The dog and the dolphin—We must look to the dog and dolphin! (He dials on his cell phone and speaks into it) Yes, quickly! Get me everybody in the world! They all need to hear this! (He holds out his phone to the camera)
Judith: (audio) If a dog and a dolphin can get along, why can’t our mom and his dad?
NC: (speaks into his phone) Yes, I know! Let them know! (close-up on his face) Let them all know.
(We cut to a fake newspaper cover that has a bold headline that says “WORLD PEACE DECLARED!” as we hear a choir sing an anthem in the background; cut to a Photoshopped image of George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden frolicking together in a meadow; cut to two men shaking hands to make peace (one of them wears a Ku Klux Klan head mask); cut to NC’s drawing of Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner hugging)
NC: A dog and a dolphin. (sniffles and wipes away a tear) A dog and a dolphin.
NC (voiceover): So after Guttenberg, Jordan and Zeus finally move away, we see that Zeus spends most of his time watching—(Zeus watches a documentary about dolphins on TV) Oh, God. Really? Really, movie? This is what he spends his free time doing? He really learned how to change the channels until he found something with dolphins in it? Or is he just watching the All Ironic Channel?
Jordan: Come on, Zeus. (Zeus looks over at the water and grunts) Zeus, come on.
NC (voiceover): I don’t even get it. Why couldn’t they just leave the dog? This makes no sense. A gigantic scientific breakthrough totally destroyed because (sarcastically weeps) Guttenberg just doesn’t know what he’s looking for. Boo-hoo-hoo! (normal) But Zeus is a little more proactive, as he decides it’s either his beloved dolphin, or nothing.
(Zeus pursues to jump off the balcony)
NC (voiceover): (as Zeus) Goodbye, cruel world!
(Zeus lands in the swimming pool before we cut to him traveling)
NC (voiceover): So Zeus literally travels all the way back to Mary Beth so that he can be with his beloved Roxanne again.
(Cut to Zeus running along a beach shoreline, and we hear the “Chariots of Fire” theme music)
NC (voiceover): So the kids talk to each other to devise a trick to get Guttenberg and Mary Beth talking to each other again. But unfortunately, our villain finds the dog and captures him, hoping to find and communicate with Roxanne.
Claude: (to Zeus, who is growling) Right. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
NC: Mmh, not a bad plan to sabotage the competition, but I like his other one better.
(Cut to Imhotep (from “The Mummy Returns”) summoning a huge wave of water; intercut with reaction shots of Terry)
NC: Now that would be awesome!
Claude: Now Roxanne is ours.
Phil: No, Doctor Carver. Yours.
Linda (Claude’s other assistant): We quit.
NC: (as Claude, scoffs) Are you seriously telling me that kidnapping a dog to entrap a dolphin is your idea of unethical?
NC (voiceover): So Guttenberg and Jordan fly back to Key West as it turns out his son has some very choice words about the situation.
Jordan: Zeus is an extremely extreme dog!
Terry: That he is.
Jordan: He’s also in love.
Terry: Extreme emotion.
Jordan: Why don’t you try it sometime, Dad?
NC: Oooooh, Guttenberg, nothing! Kid that takes pictures of his dog dressed as a frog, (He raises a forefinger to indicate the number 1 and whispers) one.
NC (voiceover): So as the bad guy tries to lure Roxanne in, we find that Roxanne is one step ahead of their game.
(Roxanne jumps out to fly over the boat to scare Claude and his new assistant, making them slip and fall into the water before being brought up to the surface in their net)
NC (voiceover): (speaks like Captain Falcon) Dolphinnnn PUNCH!
(Roxanne lands in the water on the other side)
NC (voiceover): Wow. So people and sharks pose no threat to this dolphin. But if she comes across a tuna net, (sarcastically speaks as though scared) Oooooh! And speaking of idiots who get caught in tuna nets, look! Mary Beth is an idiot getting caught in a tuna net. Yeah, apparently nets are dangerous to dolphins and really stupid marine biologists. You know what? It’s still worth it. I love tuna too much. It’s worth a few dead dolphins and marine biologists to get my tuna. If they’re so smart, why didn’t they see that coming to begin with? Fuck the bastards. I want my tuna.
(Terry, Jordan, Judith and Nora take a motorized raft over to the spot where Mary Beth’s boat is)
NC (voiceover): So, (sighs) in maybe one of the lamest ways to fix a situation…
(Mary Beth undoes the opening to the top of the submersible, letting water leak in; she attempts to shut the opening tight, but water still leaks through)
NC (voiceover): (as Mary Beth) Damn! If I hadn’t installed that screen door like I originally wanted, none of this would have happened!
(Roxanne swims by the submersible)
NC (voiceover): So seeing how there’s no friggin’ scuba gear that she brought with her, it’s up to Roxanne to find her and relay the message that she’s in trouble.
(Roxanne surfaces in front of Terry and begins making all sorts of noises)
NC: (as Terry) Look! I think he’s trying to tell us something!
(Roxanne spins around a couple of times)
NC: (as Terry) Lobster people are invading the forest with blenders?
(Roxanne bobbles her head from side to side)
NC: (as Terry, gasps) Ninjas from another planet have stolen all the Earth’s corn?
(Roxanne makes more noises)
NC: (as Terry) Mary Beth is trapped right below us in a tuna net?
(Roxanne makes a noise)
NC: That’s it? Mary Beth is trapped right below us in a tuna net? Well, I better save her!
Jordan: I think she wants you to follow her.
(Terry only takes his shirt off before putting on a scuba mask and swimming fins)
NC (voiceover): Uh, yeah. I think she also said, “Bring an oxygen tank,” you dumbass.
(Terry swims down to the submersible and struggles with the tuna net a bit before leaving to go back to the surface)
NC (voiceover): (as Terry, in a dumb voice) Oh, hold on. I can’t stay down here long, because I didn’t bring an oxygen tank!
(Terry arrives at the surface to rest on the boat and get some air)
Terry: Get me a knife! (Judith leaves to do so)
(Cut to Terry swimming back down, this time using a knife to cut apart the tuna net for a bit before resurfacing again to get some air and dive back down)
NC (voiceover): (as Terry) Whoop! Gotta go up again! You know, maybe I can save precious time if I just put on one of those oxygen tanks, or maybe even brought one down for you to breathe through! But what do I know? I’m Steven Guttenberg.
NC (voiceover): (normal) So he finally gets her out of the sub as the police drop by to see…WHAAA?? Zeus has entrapped two bad guys in a net? Well, in all my years!
(Zeus proceeds to urinate on Claude and his new assistant; people on the police boat laugh at this)
Becky: (laughs) That a boy, Zeus!
NC: (as Claude, pretending to cling to the netting) D’oooh! And I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those pesky kids! (We hear a dog bark twice) Oh, and that mangy dog! (We hear a dolphin make noise) Oh, and a…dolphin. (Pauses) This has been a weird week, hasn’t it?
NC (voiceover): So, of course, Guttenberg and Mary Beth get back together and finally tie the knot.
(At the outdoor wedding ceremony, a postman runs in)
Postman: Wait! Sorry. They told me to bring this down here right away.
NC (voiceover): Ahh, the postman. Just like the old saying goes: “No rain, no snow, no sleet, nor…wedding.”
Mary Beth: It’s the grant! (She laughs with joy before Terry hugs her)
Jordan: (off-screen) Great going, Mary Beth…I mean, Mom.
NC (voiceover): Oh, well, isn’t this magical? I suppose only one other thing could possibly top off this day of whimsical delight!
(Mary Beth tosses her bouquet of flowers to Roxanne, and she catches it in her mouth)
NC (voiceover): Of course! How else could this movie possibly end? There are rainbows sprinkled in syrup and unicorn farts that aren’t as sappy as this fucking movie!
NC: This film is shit! Plain and simple!
(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): We don’t see much of the dog and dolphin together, the romance is pretty bland, and none of it seems to have any surprises. It’s just a safe film with an…unusually safe premise, if not a totally insane premise.
NC: On top of that, if Zeus and Roxanne did have a relationship together, what would the kids look like? (Beat) I don’t know. (Beat) I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave)
Channel Awesome Tagline—Judith: If a dog and a dolphin can get along, why can’t our mom and his dad?
NC: (leans in from off-screen) OK, OK, since you’ve been so patient.
(Cut to a Photoshopped image of what the children of Zeus and Roxanne may look like: A blue dog with a dolphin’s head and tail, and two dolphins with Zeus’ fur on them; a dramatic music sting is heard here)