Channel Awesome
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'''Linkara:''' Was it just Rob Liefeld's dream to become a hairstylist, but he got rejected and ended up as a comic book artist? Because if that's the case, it would make far too much sense.
 
'''Linkara:''' Was it just Rob Liefeld's dream to become a hairstylist, but he got rejected and ended up as a comic book artist? Because if that's the case, it would make far too much sense.
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'''Linkara (v/o):''' As the group leaves the conference, we get ''another'' spelling error, misspelling "brief" as "breif". This is just starting to get sad! Someone yells out to Shaft that there's a jailbreak in progress at the Pentagon. Gee, suddenly, having a big prison underneath the Department of Defense seems like a really ''bad'' idea! We cut to the Pentagon where– OH, COME ON! Maybe using Ninja Turtles logic, I could believe that a simple helmet behind the guard uniform would have disguised this woman from sight, but look at the enormous Y on her face! Those would have gone up past the guard cap! Are you seriously telling me that none of the three notice that?! On a two-page spread, we see Chapel, Shaft and Badrock suddenly bursting through a glass window to confront the woman. A few thoughts come to mind with this scene: one, Shaft's bow still has no bowstring; two, I did not know that the vault where they're keeping Strongarm had a nice big glass window that someone could drive their motorcycle through. Otherwise, we'd have to believe that Chapel drove that stupid purple bike through the hall of the Pentagon before coming up on this window that he could dramatically crash through. Three...
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''(Cut to a clip of ''Resident Evil 2: Apocalypse'', showing a motorcycle similarly crashing through a windown)''
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'''Linkara (v/o):''' ...Milla Jovovich did the motorcycle-through-glass thing a hell of a lot better than you, Chapel.
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''(Cut back to the comic again)''
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'''Linkara (v/o):''' The woman in the armor catches Shaft's arrows without a problem. By the way, 17 pages in, and I don't think we've had a single panel that had any actual backgrounds until this one: a brick wall, which would ''not'' make much sense for what's supposed to be A HIGH-SECURITY VAULT UNDERNEATH THE FLIPPIN' PENTAGON!! Shaft and the woman exchange banter, just making me wonder why the hell Chapel hasn't started shooting the woman, since I doubt she can catch bullets as effectively. However, instead of something making sense, we have something completely out of left field: ninjas!
   
 
This is an incomplete guide. Please complete it. Thanks.
 
This is an incomplete guide. Please complete it. Thanks.

Revision as of 05:36, 3 May 2019

Youngblood #3

Youngblood 3 at4w

Released
February 14, 2011
Running time
22:26
Previous review
Next review
Tagline
It's the double-sized finale of the Vyce Arc! Will Linkara prevail against the interdimensional conqueror?
Link

(Open on Linkara scanning Mechakara's severed arm)

Linkara: Joe, this isn't something I can negotiate on. Without the assistance of the AngryJoe Army, this plan has no hope of succeeding!

(This next bit will alternate between AngryJoe on his ship and Linkara in his room)

AngryJoe: And how can I be certain your contact will come through if he needs to?

Linkara: He's just as frightened of Vyce as the rest of us. Look, Joe, if it looks like he hasn't fulfilled his end of the bargain, you can call off your forces. But for now, I need your support.

AngryJoe: (thinks briefly for a bit) Okay, Linkara. This is gonna be a risky operation. Many brave soldiers' lives are gonna be at risk. If this gets FUBAR'd, you're gonna regret it!

Linkara: (solemnly) If Vyce wins... we're all going to regret it. (holding up scanner to screen) Linkara out.

(Title sequence plays; title card has "Intermission" by Chihiro Yonekura playing in the background)

Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Well, it's that time of year again: the time where we look back at when I first started doing text reviews a few years back that eventually led to this show. (excitedly) It's time for (spreads arms out) "Youngblood" again! (expression then turns sour as he is clearly not looking forward to this)

(Cut to shots of Linkara's last two reviews of the first two "Youngblood" comics)

Linkara (v/o): In the last two "Youngblood" comics, we've seen a bunch of steroid-abusing jerks pretend that a plot is happening when, of course, nothing of the sort has been. The home team of Youngblood dealt with their own bickering while facing off against a bunch of supervillains we know nothing about. The away team went off to a foreign nation and assassinated a guy, and for some reason, in issue 2, they were handling the transportation of a guy named Prophet, stuck in a cryogenic suspension. When the guy woke up from his cryo-sleep, he was attacked by guys who wanted to rip off the Borg from Star Trek. Oh, yeah, and there was also this guy who was supposed to be an homage to Jack Kirby, but it really just came off like all of Liefeld's characters, which wasn't made any easier since the team Kirby was leading was pretty much just another team EXACTLY like Youngblood, right down to the character designs!

Linkara: So let's dig into (holds up comic of today) "Youngblood #3" and watch this series degrade in quality with each passing issue.

(Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)

Linkara (v/o): You know, there is nothing quite like the refreshing crappiness of a Youngblood cover. It's never something I can say is okay or give any praise for. No, this is the best kind of cover for this show. It is absolute garbage. We have Shaft, Diehard and Chapel shoved into the cover and taking up as much room as possible, even to the point where they're partially obscuring the Youngblood logo. Actually, the one surprising thing about this cover is Shaft's sword. Rob Liefeld has a reputation when it comes to drawing swords, that he can't draw them straight on, so seeing this is actually pretty impressive, though the fact that Shaft is not holding the sword properly kind of makes it lose points.

(The comic opens to the first page)

Linkara (v/o): We open to Prophet slouching over like a hunchback while blood leaks out of his massive biceps and face.

Prophet: (narrating) Approximately nineteen minutes have passed since this struggle began.

Linkara: (listlessly) Certainly feels that way, although this is only the first page.

Prophet: (narrating) The Disciples have overwhelmed us. Systematically they have wiped our numbers out. They are everything I was told they would be... and more.

Linkara: Does someone want to get around to telling (points to himself) us everything they are?

Linkara (v/o): On the next page, Prophet decides to moon us while making his hands glow. This once again demonstrates Rob's inability to tell a story sequentially, particularly when it comes to fight scenes. Okay, we have this charge-up attack... but then, the next panel, he's punching a robot, no special glow around his hands, and I can't even begin to tell you what the hell it is he's hitting. Look at this thing! Can anyone tell if this thing is backwards or forwards after he punches it? Then we get a panel of his face, then one of him in a bright light, then holding up one of the attackers, then him punching another one. If this was a montage, this would be fine, but it's not! This fight scene is supposed to be taking place in real time. The panels have to flow from one to the next. If you cut away to something, sure; then you can have whatever pose you want in the next panel, but that's not happening here! Prophet talks about the others who fought valiantly beside him, despite the fact that he wrongly thought they were foes when he first woke up. He doesn't even know who any of them are! And you know what? Neither do I! This is the third issue of "Youngblood", and I can't even remember who half of these people are! The first issue has been the only issue to actually be about these characters. And maybe issue 0 is about them, too, but I haven't read that one. Issues 2 and 3 are about Prophet and a bunch of other people who aren't Youngblood! The cast is already huge by most team book standards, and yet here we are, giving the focus to people who aren't main characters, yet we've seen more backstory on them than the whole of Youngblood itself!

Linkara: (irritably) I can't even remember the names of half of these people! (holds up a bunch of Youngblood action figures in both hands) I had to get action figures to remind myself who the hell they are! (drops them in frustration while scowling at the camera)

Linkara (v/o): We cut to the Pentagon in Washington, D.C., where Badrock and Shaft are walking down a corridor with some loser wearing a pink, polka-dotted shirt. In what universe does any human being wear this outfit? Polka-dot suspenders and a bow tie?! And don't get me wrong, bow ties are cool, but not one combined with polka-dots and visible suspenders! And what the hell is with this guy's hair?! This person is named Timer, and he's apparently Shaft's secretary or something. I feel good that that's his name, since like last issue, this one's dedicated to an actual comic creator, as opposed to the man who gave us this garbage...

Text: Respectfully dedicated to the memory of Joe Shuster.

Linkara (v/o): I was worried at first that Timer there was supposed to be the Joe Shuster stand-in, though frankly, be prepared if we suddenly have a new character appear named Shuster that has muscles ten inches across and wields massive guns, just like every other Youngblood character! Timer is telling Shaft about his new action figure line, since apparently, he's popular.

(Linkara holds two of the action figures he had dropped, which are both of Shaft, and looks at them)

Linkara: Why??

Linkara (v/o): Evidently, his toy has four variant figures.

Shaft: Geez! Isn't that going a little too far?

Timer: They paid millions for the lisence [sic] alone!

Linkara (v/o): Oh, good, it's not enough to misspell people's names; now they have to misspell real words! Swap the S and the C in "license", and you've got yourself a whole new word!

Because Poor Literacy is... for people who can't spell.

Linkara (v/o): The three suddenly arrive at the cell of Strongarm, that one criminal from back in Issue 1. Wait, why the hell are they keeping him at the Pentagon?! Isn't that a disaster just waiting to happen?! PUT HIM IN A FREAKING PRISON! And don't tell me he's too strong for a normal prison! Clearly, they had to build this one specially suited to hold him! This scene is pointless, too. All it establishes is that Strongarm is pissed at Shaft for putting him in the cell. What, a villain is angry at a hero? What other bold new concepts shall the next generation of heroes present us with? While he keeps making pointless threats, the three walk off, passing by a guard. Here, we see the real problem with Youngbloods Disease: since their vision is so poor now that they can't tell that the security guard is actually this guy in an armored suit and Power Rangers helmet. We cut to Earth orbit, where a few Klingon Birds of Prey... er, I mean, alien spaceships are hanging in orbit. These are members of Combat's race. Yes, Combat, that guy from the away team of Youngblood that apparently was an alien with a warrior culture shtick – just like Klingons! If that description wasn't good enough, he was the guy with the huge pink gun. The ships are looking for Combat, and WOW! The similarities with Klingons end here!

(Cut to a clip of an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, showing a Klingon from that show)

Linkara (v/o): Why? Well, Klingons actually look like warriors: metal armor, a wide variety of weapons...

(Back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): These guys? Tell me, at what point did this race decide, "Our line of honorable warriors will wear skintight, sky-blue spandex, with crimson highlights, big golden shoulder pads, and tusks on our stomachs?" In fact, this looks so undignified and un-warriorlike that I need to inject this with a fresh bit of real Klingons!

(Cut to another clip of The Next Generation, again showing a Klingon)

Klingon: Your blood will paint the way to the future.

(Cut back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): Anyway, this guy, an admiral, says he's personally trained Combat and doesn't believe that he's dead.

(The Ambassador is shown, an oddly-proportioned, shiny-looking woman in a revealing outfit and flaming hair, apparently)

Linkara (v/o): However, he's interrupted by an ambassador of– Stop! What the hell is that?! Let's ignore the bizarre proportions on this woman. Since this is Liefeld, there isn't a single person in this comic that looks normal, but what the hell is up with her head?!

Ambassador: Khm'bt deserves no honor! He is a traitor, and he will die in disgrace!

Admiral: The identity of the traitor has yet to be deter–

Linkara (v/o): (stammers briefly) N-No! I'm sorry, but I can't ignore it! WHAT ARE THOSE HUGE POINTY THINGS COMING UP FROM HER FACE?! Is every one of her species like that?! Why would evolution ever produce a species like that?!

Linkara: And does no one notice that (points to his own head) her head is on fire?! No wonder she looks so pissed off; her head is on fire, and no is trying to put it out!

Linakra (v/o): Anyway, the two exposit that Combat has apparently "betrayed their Emperor," and he apparently fled to Earth, trading alien technology for sanctuary. They're also looking for someone else who was with him called the Accuran, but the Ambassador's convinced of Combat's guilt while the Admiral believes Combat is innocent. Back with Youngblood, Shaft is holding a press conference, and with his own stupid hairstyle, he too looks like his hair is on fire. The reporter asks him about the death of the Saddam Hussein stand-in, but he denies any involvement, that Youngblood doesn't function as assassins. And I know you may have forgotten, because it was two years ago and all, but yeah, in fact, they did kill the Saddam Hussein stand-in. Well, okay, the one psychic guy did it, but they covered it up. So, yeah, the next generation of heroes: lying, assassinating, poorly-drawn morons who can't actually fight anybody and need some random guest character to do it for them. The reporters start rapidly asking questions about other Image Comics characters of the time, like Savage Dragon and Shadowhawk. Oh, look, there's our tribute to Joe Shuster: Clark Kent and what I think is supposed to be Lois Lane, but with a terrible haircut and collagen-injected lips.

Linkara: Was it just Rob Liefeld's dream to become a hairstylist, but he got rejected and ended up as a comic book artist? Because if that's the case, it would make far too much sense.

Linkara (v/o): As the group leaves the conference, we get another spelling error, misspelling "brief" as "breif". This is just starting to get sad! Someone yells out to Shaft that there's a jailbreak in progress at the Pentagon. Gee, suddenly, having a big prison underneath the Department of Defense seems like a really bad idea! We cut to the Pentagon where– OH, COME ON! Maybe using Ninja Turtles logic, I could believe that a simple helmet behind the guard uniform would have disguised this woman from sight, but look at the enormous Y on her face! Those would have gone up past the guard cap! Are you seriously telling me that none of the three notice that?! On a two-page spread, we see Chapel, Shaft and Badrock suddenly bursting through a glass window to confront the woman. A few thoughts come to mind with this scene: one, Shaft's bow still has no bowstring; two, I did not know that the vault where they're keeping Strongarm had a nice big glass window that someone could drive their motorcycle through. Otherwise, we'd have to believe that Chapel drove that stupid purple bike through the hall of the Pentagon before coming up on this window that he could dramatically crash through. Three...

(Cut to a clip of Resident Evil 2: Apocalypse, showing a motorcycle similarly crashing through a windown)

Linkara (v/o): ...Milla Jovovich did the motorcycle-through-glass thing a hell of a lot better than you, Chapel.

(Cut back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): The woman in the armor catches Shaft's arrows without a problem. By the way, 17 pages in, and I don't think we've had a single panel that had any actual backgrounds until this one: a brick wall, which would not make much sense for what's supposed to be A HIGH-SECURITY VAULT UNDERNEATH THE FLIPPIN' PENTAGON!! Shaft and the woman exchange banter, just making me wonder why the hell Chapel hasn't started shooting the woman, since I doubt she can catch bullets as effectively. However, instead of something making sense, we have something completely out of left field: ninjas!

This is an incomplete guide. Please complete it. Thanks.