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You Need to Calm Down
Date Aired
June 30, 2019
Running Time
19:38
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Todd plays "You Need to Calm Down" on the piano.

TAYLOR SWIFT - YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN
A pop song review

Todd: [sighs] Yep. Two Taylor Swift episodes in a month. We're doin' this.

Video for Taylor Swift ft. Brendon Urie - "Me!"
Todd (VO): When I made that last Taylor Swift episode just three weeks ago, I asked one big, provocative question.
Clip from Me!
Todd: Is the Taylor Swift moment over?
Todd: And now we have a definitive answer. No, it is not.
Video for Taylor Swift - "You Need to Calm Down"
Todd (VO): It is still Taylor Swift's world, and we are still just living in it. Her new single was titled, "You Need to Calm Down". And...

Todd: ...people did not calm down.

Todd (VO): I was out seeing a show when she released it, and when I got back, it seemed like [shots of tweets about...] everyone I follow on social media, including the non music accounts was talking about it.

Cut to Todd's computer

Alarms goes off and a system alert shows on monitor: "TAYLOR SWIFT DRAMA ALERT"
Todd: [offscreen] The hell?! What the...? What...[checks computer] What set off the alarm?! [turns off alarm; beat] Oh. Oh, no.
Clip of live performance
Todd (VO): So whatever you wanna say about her, it's clear that she still has enormous power to attract attention. [clip of "You Need to Calm Down"] It felt like she deliberately dropped this song dto spite me personally for asking such a stupid question. It dropped, and in its first week, it has rocketed up the charts all the way to...

Todd: ...well, to #2.

Video for...
Todd (VO): It has not budged "Old Town Road", which...now sits on a [image of Lil Nas X's face over Grim Reaper sitting on...] throne of skulls from all the challengers it's vanquished.

Todd: But, something's gotta unseat it eventually. I wouldn't be super shocked if it was Taylor.

Video for "You Need to Calm Down"
Todd (VO): 'Cause this is not just any Taylor Swift song. Believe me, I would not be rushing out another Taylor episode this quickly if I could avoid it, but...

Todd: ...this felt like it demanded an immediate response.

Video for "Me!"
Todd (VO): Unlike the vapid and pointless lead single, "Me!", [clip of "You Need to Calm Down"] this feels a lot more...

Todd: ...substantial, I guess. A lot more meat on it.

Video for "Me!"
Todd (VO): And unlike the puzzled apathy that greeted that underwhelming first song, [clip of...] the response to "You Need to Calm Down" from the pop-listening world...

Todd: ...has been extremely positive. [pause] And also extremely negative. This one's really polarizing. [Todd scrolls through Twitter...] Taylor's fan base seems to be really appreciating it. [shot of article: "Taylor Swift's Anthem 'You Need to Calm Down' Is Pretty Clueless"] The more jaded and cynical nerds have been firmly unimpressed. Like, I made my feelings about it known pretty quickly. [shot of tweet from Todd with poop and thumbs down emojis; farting noise] And the Swifties showed up in my [more tweets from Taylor Swift fans bashing Todd] mentions in full defense of her, which...definitely did not happen for that other song.

Video for "You Need to Calm Down"
Todd (VO): And since at least a portion of people seemed...fairly protective of it, I'm gonna try and take in everyone's responses as well as my own. 'Cause we're yet again dealing with sensitive topics, and I wanna be careful, and...

Todd: ...yadda-yadda-yadda. Yeah, it's one of those episodes [makes jerkoff motion]. Well, I'll say this much right off the bat.

Brief montage clips of....
Todd (VO): Between this, and "7 Rings", and "Old Town Road", 2019 is turning into a...

Todd: ...banner year for thinkpiece bait pop singles. So, let's start [rubs hands together] generating those hot takes.

Video for "You Need to Calm Down"
Todd (VO): OK, so the song is titled, "You Need to Calm Down".
Taylor Swift: You need to calm down, you're being too loud
Todd: Who needs to calm down? Is she talking to herself? [shrugs]

Todd (VO): That would make sense, 'cause it looks like the new album will have a much more relaxed vibe than the [clip of "Look What You Made Me Do"] exhaustingly extra previous one.

Todd: But, no. She doesn't need to calm down. You need to calm down.

Taylor: You are somebody that I don't know
But you're takin' shots at me like it's Patrón
And I'm just like, damn, it's 7 AM
Todd: Yeah, it's...it's another one about the haters.
Taylor: But you say it in a Tweet, that's a cop-out
And I'm just like, "Hey...
Todd: I've never tweeted at Taylor Swift, but...

Todd (VO): ...I am one of her critics.

Todd: Arguably, a hater at points. So, I can speak from experience.

Todd (VO): Telling your critics they need to calm down is always a great move, 'cause it's...

Todd: ...absolutely infuriating.

Todd (VO): "I'm not being emotional, I'm making good faith arguments that deserve a...

Todd: ...response!" D-don't tell me to calm down! I am calm! I'M PERFECTLY CALM!

Todd (VO): So if the idea was to make me look like an idiot, it's doing a decent job.

Todd: But, like Taylor, I am also extremely online. So I do get it, and relate.

Clip of Mean Tweets from Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Todd (VO): Like all celebrities, Taylor does see a lot of unfair shit. [clip of "You Need to Calm Down"] She remains thin-skinned as she's always been, but I do understand that no matter how rich and famous you are, one shitty comment can absolutely fuck up your day.

Todd: She also gets a lot of fair criticism, but we'll be generous and say she's not talking about that.

Todd (VO): She's talking about the pointlessly negative shit-talkers on Twitter, and Instagram, and...

Todd: ...[pause] YouTube.

Todd (VO): Those people suck. She has every right to be irritated at internet trolls; I'm not saying she doesn't.

Todd: My criticism of her criticism of her critics is more that...I've heard it? [shrugs]

Clip of Taylor Swift - "Mean"
Todd (VO): She has had at least one song like this in each of her...what, four last albums?

Todd: It's getting real old.

Closing Tag Song: "Con Calma (Remix)" - Daddy Yankee ft. Katy Perry

THE END

"You Need to Calm Down" is owned by Republic Records

This video is owned by me

THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!

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