You Need to Calm Down
June 30, 2019
Todd plays "You Need to Calm Down" on the piano.
TAYLOR SWIFT - YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN
A pop song review
Todd: [sighs] Yep. Two Taylor Swift episodes in a month. We're doin' this.
Video for Taylor Swift ft. Brendon Urie - "Me!"Todd (VO): When I made that last Taylor Swift episode just three weeks ago, I asked one big, provocative question.
Clip from Me!
Todd: Is the Taylor Swift moment over?Todd: And now we have a definitive answer. No, it is not.
Video for Taylor Swift - "You Need to Calm Down"Todd (VO): It is still Taylor Swift's world, and we are still just living in it. Her new single was titled, "You Need to Calm Down". And...
Todd: ...people did not calm down.
Todd (VO): I was out seeing a show when she released it, and when I got back, it seemed like [shots of tweets about...] everyone I follow on social media, including the non music accounts was talking about it.
Cut to Todd's computer
Alarms goes off and a system alert shows on monitor: "TAYLOR SWIFT DRAMA ALERT"Todd: [offscreen] The hell?! What the...? What...[checks computer] What set off the alarm?! [turns off alarm; beat] Oh. Oh, no.
Clip of live performanceTodd (VO): So whatever you wanna say about her, it's clear that she still has enormous power to attract attention. [clip of "You Need to Calm Down"] It felt like she deliberately dropped this song dto spite me personally for asking such a stupid question. It dropped, and in its first week, it has rocketed up the charts all the way to...
Todd: ...well, to #2.
Video for...Todd (VO): It has not budged "Old Town Road", which...now sits on a [image of Lil Nas X's face over Grim Reaper sitting on...] throne of skulls from all the challengers it's vanquished.
Todd: But, something's gotta unseat it eventually. I wouldn't be super shocked if it was Taylor.
Video for "You Need to Calm Down"Todd (VO): 'Cause this is not just any Taylor Swift song. Believe me, I would not be rushing out another Taylor episode this quickly if I could avoid it, but...
Todd: ...this felt like it demanded an immediate response.
Video for "Me!"Todd (VO): Unlike the vapid and pointless lead single, "Me!", [clip of "You Need to Calm Down"] this feels a lot more...
Todd: ...substantial, I guess. A lot more meat on it.
Video for "Me!"Todd (VO): And unlike the puzzled apathy that greeted that underwhelming first song, [clip of...] the response to "You Need to Calm Down" from the pop-listening world...
Todd: ...has been extremely positive. [pause] And also extremely negative. This one's really polarizing. [Todd scrolls through Twitter...] Taylor's fan base seems to be really appreciating it. [shot of article: "Taylor Swift's Anthem 'You Need to Calm Down' Is Pretty Clueless"] The more jaded and cynical nerds have been firmly unimpressed. Like, I made my feelings about it known pretty quickly. [shot of tweet from Todd with poop and thumbs down emojis; farting noise] And the Swifties showed up in my [more tweets from Taylor Swift fans bashing Todd] mentions in full defense of her, which...definitely did not happen for that other song.
Video for "You Need to Calm Down"Todd (VO): And since at least a portion of people seemed...fairly protective of it, I'm gonna try and take in everyone's responses as well as my own. 'Cause we're yet again dealing with sensitive topics, and I wanna be careful, and...
Todd: ...yadda-yadda-yadda. Yeah, it's one of those episodes [makes jerkoff motion]. Well, I'll say this much right off the bat.
Brief montage clips of....Todd (VO): Between this, and "7 Rings", and "Old Town Road", 2019 is turning into a...
Todd: ...banner year for thinkpiece bait pop singles. So, let's start [rubs hands together] generating those hot takes.
Video for "You Need to Calm Down"Todd (VO): OK, so the song is titled, "You Need to Calm Down".
Taylor Swift: You need to calm down, you're being too loudTodd: Who needs to calm down? Is she talking to herself? [shrugs]
Todd (VO): That would make sense, 'cause it looks like the new album will have a much more relaxed vibe than the [clip of Taylor Swift - "Look What You Made Me Do"] exhaustingly extra previous one.
Todd: But, no. She doesn't need to calm down. You need to calm down.
Taylor: You are somebody that I don't know
But you're takin' shots at me like it's Patrón
And I'm just like, damn, it's 7 AMTodd: Yeah, it's...it's another one about the haters.
Taylor: But you say it in a Tweet, that's a cop-out
And I'm just like, "Hey...Todd: I've never tweeted at Taylor Swift, but...
Todd (VO): ...I am one of her critics.
Todd: Arguably, a hater at points. So, I can speak from experience.
Todd (VO): Telling your critics they need to calm down is always a great move, 'cause it's...
Todd: ...absolutely infuriating.
Todd (VO): "I'm not being emotional, I'm making good faith arguments that deserve a...
Todd: ...response!" D-don't tell me to calm down! I am calm! I'M PERFECTLY CALM!
Todd (VO): So if the idea was to make me look like an idiot, it's doing a decent job.
Todd: But, like Taylor, I am also extremely online. So I do get it, and relate.
Clip of Mean Tweets from Jimmy Kimmel Live!Todd (VO): Like all celebrities, Taylor does see a lot of unfair shit. [clip of "You Need to Calm Down"] She remains thin-skinned as she's always been, but I do understand that no matter how rich and famous you are, one shitty comment can absolutely fuck up your day.
Todd: She also gets a lot of fair criticism, but we'll be generous and say she's not talking about that.
Todd (VO): She's talking about the pointlessly negative shit-talkers on Twitter, and Instagram, and...
Todd: ...[pause] YouTube.
Todd (VO): Those people suck. She has every right to be irritated at internet trolls; I'm not saying she doesn't.
Todd: My criticism of her criticism of her critics is more that...I've heard it? [shrugs]
Clip of Taylor Swift - "Mean"Todd (VO): She has had at least one song like this in each of her...what, four last albums?
Todd: It's getting real old.
Video for "You Need to Calm Down"Todd (VO): Like, I guess the tone that she takes here, which is of condescending annoyance and confusion...I guess that works better [clip of Taylor Swift - "Shake It Off"] than when she tried to act like she didn't care at all when she clearly did. ["You Need to Calm Down"] It's just that...after so many of them, I'm so tired.
Todd: She'll be over the haters when she stops talking about them!
Taylor: Snakes and stones never broke my bonesTodd: You were the snake! Remember?
Video for "Look What You Made Me Do"Todd (VO): It was your thing! Unless you mean the [image of Taylor surrounded by...] snake emojis everyone was sending at you, which...kinda did break your bones as I recall.
Todd: You were so hurt by it, you made a whole album.
Video for Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar - "Bad Blood"Todd (VO): Taylor's obsession with her enemies was already getting old long before now. [clip of "Me!"] For all the talk of making a clean break from the Reputation era, [clip of "Look What You Made Me Do"] the new album looks like it's...just gonna be Reputation painted in Care Bear colors.
Todd: I am so tired of Taylor Swift's forever war with her haters.
Video for "You Need to Calm Down"Todd (VO): How much longer is she gonna fight this battle? How many more resources will it take? How many more lives will be lost?
Todd: Bring the troops home!
Todd (VO): She's just done this to death. I'm bored with it, and if this were all that the song were about, no one would be talking about it.
Todd: But of course, it's not. So, let's get to that second verse.
Closing Tag Song: "Con Calma (Remix)" - Daddy Yankee ft. Katy Perry
"You Need to Calm Down" is owned by Republic Records
This video is owned by me
THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!