X2: X-Men United
March 13, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo plays, followed by the X-Month title)
Deep voice (Doug): Previously on X-Month...
(We are shown a montage of clips that are in some way or another taken out of context like in most of the "Previously On" examples)
Jeor Mormont (from Game of Thrones): Jon Snow, Lord Commander Mormont has requested you...
Walter White (from Breaking Bad): This costs me my family.
Gustavo Fring: When you have children, you always have family.
Tony Soprano (from The Sopranos): The boss of this family is on trial for his life.
Charlie Pace (from LOST): We're stranded on an island. No one's coming for us.
Walter Skinner (from X-Files): I have the tape you've been looking for.
Cigarette Smoking Man: Really?
Negan (from The Walking Dead): I'm Negan. I want you to work for me.
Don Karnage (from TaleSpin): I am looking for a boy who has stolen something from me.
Lt. Martel (from Seinfeld): (to a bawling Kramer in the interrogation room) You see something even remotely pretty and you have to choke the life out if it, don't you, Kramer, huh?!
Q (from Star Trek: The Next Generation): (lying with Picard on the bed in the jungle) So...what's next?
(We are shown the title opening for X-Month, before cutting to NC in his room)
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. And welcome back to X-Month!
(The title opening for X-Month is about to play again, until NC stops it)
NC: Yeah, they get the idea.
(Footage of X-Men (2000) is shown)
NC (vo): Well, with the first X-Men movie being a surprise hit, Fox wasted no time getting a sequel in the works, and giving it a much bigger budget. (The title for X2 is shown) This resulted in X2: X-Men United.
NC: The stupidest-named movie in the franchise!
(Footage of X2 is now shown)
NC (vo): Yeah, "Men" was too hard for the kids to say, so we'll just put it under the title and make it look like a really cool math problem. (The film's poster is shown with the caption "Solve for" added in the top of the title) Regardless, X-Men 2: X-Men United...
NC: Because the "X" stands for X-Men. You're using the title twice! It's stupid!
NC (vo): ...was a big hit with critics and audiences. It was a smash at the box office, and for years, people would say this was the best X-Men movie.
NC: Because if... (The poster for X-Men appears on NC's left) "eh" equals "wow!", then... (The poster for X2 appears on NC's right) "okay" equals... (NC's head explodes)
NC (vo): But once again, I have to ask, is it worthy of the praise? With how far comic book movies have come, did this add to moving them forward, or slow down progress at a time when we just couldn't see it? Well, let's prepare by once again fetishizing the color blue. (Images of Mystique, Beast and Nightcrawler are shown) Seriously, mutants have no other color?
NC: Let's take a look at X2: X-Men United. (Beat) I mean, would you call it "T2: Terminator's Back"? The "T" already stands for "Terminator". It doesn't add up!
(The movie starts with showing an outer space background, and the green arrow points out a silhouette out of the stars)
NC (vo): The film opens once again with Patrick Stewart talking about mutation, as well as this little sneak peek at...
NC: (sighs) ...future botched storylines. (The posters for X-Men: The Last Stand, X-Men: Apocalypse and the caption "Spot Reserved for Dark Phoenix" are shown)
(We are shown the tour being held in the White House)
NC (vo): We cut to the White House, where a suspicious figure appears to have...appeared.
(One guard spots the person in sunglasses, a coat and a hat)
Guard: Excuse me, sir. Are you lost?
NC (vo; as a guard): Mr. Assange, you know you're not allowed back here again.
(The long blue tail slides out, and the person is revealed to be the blue-skinned and yellow-eyed mutant Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler, who jumps at the guard and instantly runs to the president's office, disappearing and appearing out of thin air while fighting other guards on the way)
NC (vo): This is a mutant named Nightcrawler, played by Alan Cumming, giving us, let's be honest, the best part of the movie.
(The scene continues as Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's "Dies Irae" is heard playing)
NC (vo; singing as the choir to the music): This scene kicks ass! Won't be surpassed! They play Mozart to a blue fart! It's surprisingly damn good art!
(Nightcrawler intrudes the office of President McKenna (Colter Smith) to assassinate him, but a guard manages to shoot Nightcrawler in the back, and he's forced to retreat. After that, we cut to Logan/Wolverine in Alkali Lake in Alberta, Canada, where he explores an abandoned military installation)
NC (vo): He seemingly tries to kill the president, but he's stopped at the last minute. And after that fast-paced scene with awesome effects and a great makeup job, let's cut to a slow as shit scene with bad green screening and poorly glued wax on sideburns. This is Wolverine, played once again by Hugh Jackman, exploring an abandoned lab at a dam where he was given his adamantium skeleton... (The arrow points to a snow frozen on the building's doors) ...and attacked a bag of exploding flour on the way out.
(We are shown the students of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, Jean Grey and Scott Summers/Cyclops, at the museum)
Jean: (to a boy) Come on. Pay attention.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, at a museum, we see Xavier's students on a field trip led by Cyclops, played again by James Marsden, and Jean, played again by Famke Janssen. And I do hope you enjoy clips of her looking lost and confused, 'cause that's all the character development you're gonna get out of her in this flick! A shame.
NC: She had so much of an identity in the last film, such as...Wolverine liked her.
(The monitors in the museum start to glitch as Jean feels unwell)
NC (vo): She seems unable to control her powers and feels impending doom on the horizon.
Jean: (to Cyclops) I keep feeling something terrible's about to happen.
NC (vo; chuckles): Hey, psychics really can predict the future. (The posters of the two following movies are shown)
Jean: Something's happening in the food court.
(Cut to Marie/Rogue, Bobby Drake/Iceman and John Allerdyce/Pyro being confronted by two jocks)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Rogue, played again by Anna Paquin, hangs with Bobby, Pyro, and Jack Black's thrust face.
(One jock snatches the cigarette from Pyro's hands)
(The jock starts smoking the cigarette, and the camera shows his eye in a close-up)
NC: Yeah, get used to these...
(The montage of face close-ups in the movie is shown)
NC (vo): ...obnoxiously warped Bryan Singer close-ups. This is kind of when he decided that's his style now.
NC: He uses it so much, everybody looks like that creepy Humpty Dumpty from that Kinder commercial.
(The clip of the said 1983 UK commercial is shown in the top left corner)
Humpty: Me ball shaky. (shakes the toy)
(Pyro ignites the cigarette while it is still in the jock's mouth and accidentally sets fire on him. When the jock falls and Iceman puts out the fire with his powers, everything in the museum suddenly freezes, save for the mutants)
NC (vo): Pyro uses his powers inappropriately, when...oh, no. Somewhere, Zack Morris just said "Time out".
Pyro: I didn't do this.
Xavier: (offscreen) I did. (appears on the scene in his wheelchair)
NC (vo): Actually, this is the work of Xavier, played again by Patrick Stewart, who mentally freezes everybody, which is a power that several times in these movies would have saved the day.
NC: But when he says hypocritical stuff like...
Xavier: And the next time you feel like showing off, don't.
NC (vo): ...while showing off, just wiping a few memories would have been fine, you can't be surprised they don't really do logical things in this movie like hire a gardener.
(The X-Mansion is shown for a second. We are shown the military scientist Colonel William Stryker, played by Brian Cox, in the president's office)
McKenna: I thought you were here to talk about school reform.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, at the White House, Brian Cox talks with the president and Senator Kelly, who is still Mystique in disguise.
(Senator Robert Kelly (actually, it's Mystique's form), played by Bruce Davison, enters the office and meets Stryker)
McKenna: Senator Kelly, this is Colonel William Stryker.
(Cut to a clip from Airplane II: The Sequel that shows Steve McCroskey trying to remember who Striker is)
McCroskey: (to a man behind him) Strike her! (The man strikes a woman in the face) Striker...
(Stryker shows some photos of the X-Mansion taken from a surveillance cam. On one of them, there is a jet)
NC (vo): He brings up that Xavier's school is a training ground for mutants that could possibly be planning an attack. (sarcastically) Now, where would they get an idea like that?
McKenna: What the hell is that?
Stryker: A jet. But it comes up out of the basketball court.
NC: (as Stryker) You'll notice the outlines of several flattened children around it.
McKenna: You enter, you detain, you question, but...the last thing we need to see is the body of a mutant kid on the six o'clock news.
NC: Again, their basketball court seems perfectly capable of that.
Kelly/Mystique: (approaching Stryker in the hall) Mr. Stryker, do you really want to turn this into some kind of war?
Stryker: I was piloting black ops missions in the jungles of North Vietnam while you were sucking on your mama's tit at Woodstock, Kelly.
NC: You are literally...
(The IMDb pages of Brian Cox and Bruce Davison are shown, and the arrows point that they were both born in June of 1946, and Cox is only 27 days older than Davison)
NC (vo): ...both the exact same age!
NC: But you show that youngster hippie!
(Wolverine returns to the mansion and is greeted by Rogue)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Wolverine returns, but Bobby isn't so happy to see him because Rogue is so happy to see him.
Rogue: Oh, this is Bobby. He's my...
Iceman: I'm her boyfriend. (shakes Wolverine's hand and slightly freezes it) Call me Iceman.
NC (vo; as Wolverine): Okay, I'm Maverick. Which one of us is Goose?
(Wolverine approaches Xavier near the Cerebro device, and Xavier says he found the location of the mutant who attacked the president)
NC (vo): He tells Xavier he didn't find shit at the lab, but Xavier doesn't care because he just found someone to watch the kids while they completely abandon them again.
Xavier: If you would be kind enough to watch over the children tonight.
NC: (as Xavier) Once again, (shows four fingers) the four people...
(Xavier and Cyclops fly away in a jet plane)
NC (vo; as Xavier): ...who look after this gigantic place will be out.
NC: (as Xavier) We can afford a military plane, but babysitters? (shakes hands) Mmmm.
(Jean and Ororo Munroe/Storm take another jet plane to locate Nightcrawler)
NC (vo): Jean, accompanied by Storm, played again by Halle Berry...
NC: ...Thank God accent-less this time...
(Cut to the first movie)
Storm: ...has brown hair...
(NC covers his ear in a little pain)
NC (vo): ...track down the German-based Nightcrawler in...where else? Boston.
(Nightcrawler is shown hiding on the ceiling of a church, and as he speaks German, crows fly over to him)
NC: Ah, all those abandoned churches...
NC (vo): ...in Boston with people that speak English, but speak German because...
NC: ...it shows they're German.
(Storm ignites lighting and destroys part of the ceiling Nightcrawler was standing on. She and Jean undress him and heal his wound)
NC (vo): They force him to come down, as he reveals that he had little control over his attack.
Nightcrawler: I could see it all happening, but I couldn't stop myself. It was like a bad dream. Perhaps He is testing me. (motions to Jesus Christ statue on the side)
NC: He talks like this every time someone brings up (poster of...) Son of the Mask.
(Xavier and Cyclops appear at the place where Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto is imprisoned to ask him about the attack on the president)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Xavier and Cyclops visit Magneto, played again by Ian McKellen.
(One guard named Mitchell Laurio, played by Ty Olsson, comes to put his hand on Xavier's wheelchair)
Laurio: I'll take him from here.
Xavier: It's all right, Scott.
(Laurio heads Xavier into Magneto's cubic cell)
NC (vo): Oh, if only he could read his mind to know that this was a trap-
NC: Yeah, nobody's powers make sense in these.
Xavier: (after Magneto says that Stryker visited him) Erik, what have you done?
Magneto: I'm sorry, Charles.
NC (vo; as Magneto): I farted. (The sleeping gas emits in the cell, trapping Xavier while Magneto rests in the other end) Face my broccoli and bean burrito of nostroly doom!
Magneto: You should have killed me when you had the chance!
(Around NC, there is a list of "Super Villain Cliches" that goes up to the bottom of the screen. The left column has "I'll get you next time", "This is not over", "This time it's personal", "We meet again", "You and I are not so different", "I have you now", "You should've killed me when you had the chance", "What do you really want?", "You're no match for me", "Is that all you got?", "Time to die", "This is my idea of fun", "It's impossible!", "You cannot escape me!", "At last!", "No one can stop me now!", "Oh, the power!". The right column has "The advantage is mine", "We'll meet again", "The game's a foot", "We meet at last", "Is this what you wanted?", "Well, well, well...", "How're you going to get out of this one?", "I will have my revenge", "There's no way out", "You can run but you can't hide", "I expected more", "I don't like being disappointed", "Charming", "How predictable", "Let's turn up the heat" and..."This is not over, Bears!")
NC: (as Magneto, frantically looking at the list) Uhh...I'll get you next time! Uhh...we'll meet again! Uhh...you and I are not so different... (normal) I got a million of these.
(A woman named Yuriko Oyama, played by Kelly Hu, appears at the cell's door and tranquilizes Cyclops)
NC: The leader of the X-Men, everybody! Reflexes like a cat. (Beat) If it was Garfield. Dead.
NC (vo): By the way, it'll be almost an hour before you see him again in the movie. I know X-Men fans hate Cyclops, but when X-Men itself hates Cyclops, I think there's a problem somewhere.
(In the mansion at night, two soldiers with helmets that cover their faces approach a boy named Jones (who can change the TV channels by blinking) in the dark corridor and tranquilize him while Wolverine is in the kitchen)
NC (vo): So it turns out this giant school/a military base/one-man guarded establishment doesn't have a security system...
NC: You want these children...to die.
NC (vo): ...as soldiers break in, tranquilizing them, forcing Wolverine and others to fight back.
(As one of Stryker's soldiers breaks into the room of one girl mutant named Syrin, the latter sonic shrieks so loud and high, the glass breaks and one of the soldiers Wolverine fights with accidentally fires his rifle)
NC (vo): Yeah, remember what Xavier said at the end of the last movie when asked what he'll do if somebody tries to break in?
(Cut to the ending of the first movie)
Xavier: (to Magneto) I feel a great swell of pity for the poor soul who comes to that school, looking for trouble.
(Cut back to X2)
NC (vo): Glad to see he was totally prepared for that! No alarm system, no security, leaving the school completely abandoned except for one person looking after them!
(The image of the school's title is shown with the commercial music playing and a caption appearing below that NC reads)
NC (vo; in a toned down voice): Xavier's School for the Gifted. Where children come first and go first. (The audio of the Syrin's sonic shrieking and guns firing is heard)
(Peter Rasputin/Colossus (Daniel Cudmore) silently leads the remaining kids outside, using a secret way down to the outside hidden in the wall)
NC (vo): Non-Russian Colossus finds a secret way out...yeah, there's secret passages, but no alarm...
NC: (rubs forehead with frustration) Facebook has better security than you.
(Rogue runs to Pyro and Iceman's direction and then joins them in escaping the mansion)
NC (vo): ...as Rogue decides to separate from the group, because...she's Rogue. What would she know about fighting back?
(As more military forces surround the mansion, a person hidden in the shadows steps out of the van...but you can already tell it's Stryker. NC, perfectly aware of it, is left speechless)
NC: (sarcastically) Who could it be?!
(The quick montage of scenes that show Wolverine in a fight is shown)
NC (vo): It's nice to finally see Wolverine digging into bad guys instead of chopping walls and fences and... (The infamous scene from the first movie plays, showing Wolverine flipping Cyclops off with his middle claw; NC speaks like a dumb person) Ho-ho-ho, middle finger! (normal) But all of that stops when he recognizes a familiar voice.
(Wolverine stops when he sees Stryker, still in the shadows made by the helicopter's light, standing in the corridor)
Stryker: Wolverine? How long has it been? I didn't realize Xavier was taking in animals, even animals as unique as you.
NC: Every line he has sounds like the narration from Big Fish.
Stryker: I didn't realize Xavier was taking in animals.
(Cut to a clip from the 2003 movie Big Fish)
Old Edward Bloom: (narrating) All the same, I preferred to keep my bones unbroken.
(Iceman makes a frozen wall that covers Stryker, and Wolverine retreats in the garage with Rogue, Iceman and Pyro)
NC (vo): Bobby puts an ice ring between them, and Wolverine leads them to the garage where he starts a car with his claw.
Wolverine: (after being informed that the car they're in is Cyclops') Oh, yeah?
(He pulls out a claw and sticks it into the control panel, starting a car and opening the garage doors. NC, unamused, rolls his eyes at this)
NC: ...'Cause that's totally something he can do now.
(The scene is repeated)
NC (vo): How the flaming shit does that work exactly?
(NC imitates Wolverine thinking and randomly pulling out a knife, a spoon and a fork out of his hand)
NC: (as Wolverine) Let's see here, uh... (The car key is pulled out) There we go! ("starts a car")
Pyro: I don't like uncomfortable silences.
(He turns on a radio and a song "Bye Bye Bye" by *NSYNC plays. This annoys everyone else, and Wolverine turns the music off)
NC: (winces) Let it be known that X-Men hates *NSYNC.
(Laurio is shown drinking in a bar. In the background, an interview with Dr. Hank McCoy (Steve Bacic) is shown on TV. Mystique, who shapeshifted into her human self and called herself Grace, approaches Laurio and acts friendly, making out with him all the way down to the restroom)
NC (vo): Meanwhile in a bar, we see a cameo that'll age great, as Mystique, played again by Rebecca Romijn, tries to flirt with one of Magneto's guards.
Laurio: Bottoms up. (drinks the whole glass and passes out)
Grace/Mystique: I certainly hope so.
(Mystique, transforming back to her mutant form, undresses Laurio, starting with pants)
NC: (smiles and nods) Now it's a Singer film!
(Mystique takes out a syringe and injects iron into Laurio's blood. We then cut to Stryker speaking to the captured Xavier in his base. When seeing that Yuriko's control over her has finished, Stryker injects the serum behind her neck)
NC (vo): She injects him with iron, while we see Stryker holds Xavier captive while controlling other mutants with a brain-altering drug. Naturally, this is injected into the brain by dropping a small amount of liquid behind the neck.
NC: Yeah, that's... (throws hands hopelessly) Sure.
(Jason Stryker, aka Mutant 143, played by Michael Reid McKay, is brought into the room in a wheelchair)
NC (vo): It turns out Stryker's son is a powerful psychopath that he tortured until he gained back control. So this is...all secretly a sequel for Brian Cox's Ring character? (Richard Morgan from 2002 movie The Ring is shown)
Stryker: (to Xavier) My son is dead. Just like the rest of you.
(He leaves, and Xavier and Jason are left alone)
NC (vo; as Xavier): So...um...how about this place not having a ramp? It's kind of bullshit, is i- (Jason uses his telepathic powers to control Xavier's mind, unbeknownst to him) Okay, small talk over.
(We're shown Rogue at Iceman's house in Boston, where the group decide to stay for the night)
NC (vo): Bobby invites everyone to his parents' house, where they try to gain their senses and figure out what to do next.
Iceman: (gives a pair of gloves to Rogue) These are my grandmother's.
NC (vo; as Iceman): I dug her up myself.
(Back in Magneto's cell, the latter drains Laurio from his blood that has the iron and kills him. Magneto then creates several balls out of the iron)
NC (vo): It looks like the guard Mystique injected carries the iron in his blood for Magneto to use as a weapon. I really don't think that's how iron in the bloodstream works, but...who cares? It leads to a pretty badass scene.
(The iron balls break Magneto's cell, releasing him)
NC (vo; as the security alarm): Code red. Marbles. We have marbles.
(Magneto uses the iron to create a platform and stands on it)
NC (vo): This, on the other hand, looks a little silly.
(Magneto floats on the platform to the exit as two balls whirl around him)
NC: I just don't see riding a Roomba as especially threatening. I just want to play this sound effect over it.
(The sound of the speeder bike from Star Wars is heard as the scene is repeated)
NC: If Marvin the Martian flew in...
(The image of Marvin the Martian from Looney Tunes is edited into the scene)
NC (vo): ...this would be the greatest Marvel crossover ever.
(Magneto uses the iron balls as projectiles to destroy the security door and to kill the guards. Meanwhile, Iceman introduces Rogue to his parents and also reveals his and others' status in front of them for the first time)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Bobby's parents discover for the first time that he's a mutant.
Madeline Drake: Bobby, have you tried not being a mutant?
NC: (as Madeline) There's a cable news channel I'm pretty sure says you can do that.
(Ronny Drake, the younger brother, calls the police that there are mutants in the house)
NC (vo): Speaking of which, Iceman's brother named...Arnold, I need an ice pun.
(Cut to a clip from Batman and Robin)
Mr. Freeze: Frosty!
NC: Thank you.
NC (vo): ...calls the police on them.
(As everybody goes outside, they see the police officers around them. Wolverine pulls his claws in...and is shot in the head)
Officer: All right, the rest of you, on the ground. Now.
(NC looks at the posters for the following five movies that star Wolverine below him)
NC: ...I think he'll be fine.
(Pyro shoots fire out of his hands into the officers, and the jet with Jean, Storm and Nightcrawler appears in the scene. Wolverine, suddenly having just a little drop of blood on his forehead instead of the wound, gets up)
NC (vo): Pyro attacks them, and Jean and Storm remind everybody they're in this movie, as Wolverine gets up-
NC: (acting astonished) You mean he didn't die?! WHAT-
(As everybody retreats, Iceman observes his parents and brother seeing him off solemnly in the window)
NC (vo): ...and Iceman leaves his family. Um...sad, I guess. I mean, we didn't get to know them well for their two minutes on screen, and the other brother tried to have him killed. (The arrow points to Madeline blocked out by the tree reflection in the window) Even the mother's expression is out of focus, it mattered so little, and she had the most lines.
NC: But, um... This is what it's all abo- Seriously...
NC (vo): ...you can move her a little to the left.
(Xavier and Cyclops are seemingly freed and they return to the mansion, where Xavier sees a little girl (Keely Purvis) crying in the corner)
Xavier: It's all right. You can come out.
NC (vo): Oh, yeah.
NC: I forgot about this. So Stryker's son...
(It is revealed that this is all the illusion created by Stryker whispering the words the little girl says into his son's ear. They head Xavier into the replica of Cerebro built by Stryker)
NC (vo): ...controls Xavier's mind to make him control their version of Cerebro to kill all the mutants in the world. There.
NC: That took what, five seconds to explain? But the movie...
NC (vo): ...constantly cuts back to this slow-moving scene where the son is convincing him he's a lost girl, Xavier is back at the mansion, and he has to take her to Cerebro. And it drags on, and on, and on! Every time it cuts back to them, it brings everything to a screeching, monotonous halt.
NC: And the funny thing is, the illusion's not even needed!
NC (vo): As soon as he's in there, the girl instructs him to kill all the mutants, which he attempts to do.
(We briefly cut to the climax of this scene)
Girl: (voice echoing) Find them all. Each one. All of them. Good. Kill them.
NC: Well, clearly, he would never do that, showing the son has complete control over his mind, so why even make all this up?
NC (vo): Did you just want to give a tour of the damn place?
(The scene is repeated)
NC (vo; as Xavier): And to your right is a wall. And to your left is a wall. And to your right is a wall. And to your left is a naked pig.
(The jet is chased by several military planes, and Storm tries to slow them down by making several tornadoes in the sky)
NC (vo): Don't worry, though. That's followed by a boring-ass plane chase, as the military sees them as a threat and tries to shoot them down through Storm's tornadoes. Okay, so it's nice to see some bigger effects in these movies, even though they do look a little fake, but, again...
NC: It's X-Men! Mutants, monsters, aliens! Why are we focusing on...
NC (vo): ...a military base they just randomly pass by? They didn't kidnap Xavier, they have no involvement in all this, so who cares?
NC: Hey, remember that one issue where they battled the greatest enemy...
(The edited cover for the "Uncanny X-Men" comic book is shown with Wolverine in the control tower)
NC (vo): ...air traffic control?
NC: Probably not, because nobody would want to read it, so NOBODY WOULD WANT TO WATCH IT!
(The jet is damaged, and Rogue flies out of it, falling down)
NC (vo): Rogue gets sucked out, though, because one of their seat belts are broken...
NC: (hand on his left temple) I swear to God, they want every student dead.
(Nightcrawler teleports to the falling Rogue and then back to the jet, holding her. The crash-landing is stopped by...Magneto and Mystique)
NC (vo): But Nightcrawler saves her, as they as well get saved by an unlikely comrade.
Magneto: (to Mystique) When will these people learn how to fly?
NC: Ah, so even he hates what they did to Rogue.
(We go to a commercial. After coming back, we see the X-Men, Magneto and Mystique around a campfire at night)
NC (vo): So in the always awesome "alliance of convenience" trope, Magneto teams up with the X-Men to stop Stryker after he reveals he's going to use Xavier to destroy all the mutants of the world.
Magneto: We don't know where this base is. One of you might.
Wolverine: The professor already tried.
Magneto: Once again, you think it's all about you.
NC: (as the posters for all the movies, save for First Class and Apocalypse, are shown) Have you seen the posters for this franchise?! It is all about him!
(Jean, trying to read Nightcrawler's mind, discovers the location of the base: it is underground in a dam at Alkali Lake, where Wolverine has already been)
NC (vo): They read Nightcrawler's mind and discover the lab is where Wolverine went, but it was hidden underground. Funny how his heightened sense of smell didn't pick up the dozens of people that were literally under his nose.
(Wolverine smokes as always, and Jean approaches him)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, I forgot. This was a thing. It's pretty bad in the X-Men movie when you forget Logan wants Jean.
Jean: Don't make me do this.
Wolverine: Do what?
NC: (as Wolverine) But we had whole seconds of chemistry! Seconds!
(After Jean leaves, Mystique shows up, forces Wolverine to lie down and climbs on top of him)
NC (vo): But if you think that romance isn't well built up, Mystique now, out of nowhere, suddenly has a thing for Logan.
Mystique: You know what I want. (kisses Wolverine)
NC: This has...never been brought up before and will never be brought up after. It's the (shot of...) "Julia Roberts getting big in Hook" scene!
(Mystique takes the form of Storm and then her human form)
NC (vo): Apparently, the only reason this scene was in the movie was to get an image of its two biggest stars, Hugh Jackman and Halle Berry, in bed together. (Several images of comics that are related to Wolverine and Storm are shown) This is ironic, because there's tons of comic material with Wolverine and Storm as a couple, but somehow it was easier to have Mystique spontaneously horny for him.
NC: How is it Hugh Jackman had no problem with his character having several beautiful women on top of him- I just realized I answered my own question!
(On board, Magneto speaks with Pyro, who demonstrates his powers on a lighter: he sucks the fire out of it, but states he can't create it)
NC (vo): Speaking of spontaneous team-ups, Magneto and Pyro talk for a minute. And that...immediately justifies him turning evil by the end.
Magneto: You are a god among insects. Never let anyone tell you different.
NC: (as Magneto) In "a magnifying glass to an ant" sort of way.
(The X-Men, Magneto and Mystique gather around a holographic map of Stryker's base. The "needle map" from the first movie is briefly shown)
NC (vo): I'm sorry, I can't follow this map unless you use needles.
Jean: Can you teleport inside?
Nightcrawler: No. I have to be able to see where I'm going.
NC: (as Nightcrawler) Or in a plane spinning midair out of control. They're both basically the same thing.
NC (vo): Magneto doesn't want to take a chance on Wolverine, because he doesn't know the technology to open the doors, so he looks towards Mystique.
(Cut to the handcuffed Wolverine being brought up by Stryker's forces, and it's revealed this was the disguised Mystique, who immediately springs into action)
NC (vo): Which is why none of us are surprised when it's revealed that this is Mystique.
NC: But honestly, I'll give it a pass, because it gave us this gif.
(Mystique slides on the floor inside the base as the metal doors close, and she flips Stryker off while doing so)
NC: How many fans used that on future X-Men movies?
(The real Wolverine is shown waiting in the jet with Magneto)
Wolverine: She's good.
Magneto: You have no idea.
NC: (disgusted) Ew. That's what you meant by "you have blue balls".
(After seemingly clearing up the place, Mystique allows the others to come inside. Wolverine, leaving the security camera monitors and wandering around the base, finds himself in an adamantium smelting lab)
NC (vo): The X-Men search the place to try and find the kids, when Wolverine decides, "Screw the kids! I just want to know where I came from."
NC: Is there, like, a list of worst movie schools ever? (The characters from Saved by the Bell, the Hogwarts emblem from the Harry Potter films and the school mascot from Donnie Darko are shown) He was their babysitter!
(Jean comes down and sees Cyclops)
NC (vo): By the way, is Cyclops still in X-Men? Oh, there he is.
(Cyclops shoots laser beams from his eyes, walking towards Jean, who protects herself with a force field)
Jean: Scott, don't do this!
NC: (hand on cheek) You know, for X-Men United, they sure are separated, dividing or fighting against each other a lot, aren't they?
(Jean moves her force field in Cyclops' direction, making a big blast that destroys the objects in the room and damaging the dam, which begins to rupture)
NC (vo): It looks like he's been brainwashed, too, as he attacks Jean, but she diverts the hit to the dam. So...just a reminder: all the misery that is to follow is completely his fault.
NC: Why do so many kids shows have unlikeable leaders? (The pictures of Cyclops from the animated series, Chip from Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers, Leonardo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987), Tenderheart Bear from The Care Bears and Fred Jones from Scooby-Doo are shown)
(Cyclops is shown to be free from his control, and he rushes towards Jean to pick her up)
Cyclops: Jean! No, no, no. It's okay.
NC (vo): But, luckily, Jean snaps him out of it with...
NC: ...I honestly don't know. A big boom, I guess.
(We are shown a clip from The Fifth Element)
(Wolverine, meanwhile, tries to remember the events that happened in the lab, when Stryker and Yuriko appear)
NC (vo): ...as Logan finds the room where Stryker experimented on him, discovering...that he was experimented on and Stryker did it.
NC: (with clenched teeth) So not a goddamn THING!!
NC (vo): Oh, wait. We do find out that adamantium has to be hot. (Beat) That should tide us over until our inevitable disappointment.
(Stryker leaves as Wolverine fights Yuriko, aka Deathstrike)
NC (vo): Stryker sics his bodyguard named Deathstrike on him. Now, in the comic, they had this huge rivalry-
NC: You already know they don't care.
(Yuriko pulls out thin, yet really long claws out of her fingernails)
NC (vo): As is par with these movies, Wolverine always gets the funniest swear.
Wolverine: Holy shit.
NC: At some point, they'll put together that the more they have him swear, the better the movie will get. (The posters for First Class and Logan are shown)
(The fight continues, and Wolverine finally manages to stab Yuriko, and she dies with the serum flowing out of her eyes, nose and mouth. Magneto enters the Cerebro replica with the help of Mystique impersonating Stryker, but before all the mutants can be killed by Xavier, who's still in control, Magneto changes the placing of the metal panels on the walls, and Mystique as Stryker whispers to Jason that Xavier must kill all humans. These words are uttered by the girl in Xavier's illusion)
NC (vo): We get a pretty decent fight between them and even a pretty cool death scene. But it looks like Walmart Cerebro has located all the mutants for Xavier, and his brainwashed mind tries to kill them all. But Magneto stops him, plays wall Tetris, and, in my always favorite scene when bad guys team up with good guys, the bad guys inevitably turn into dickheads again.
Girl: (voice echoing) Now find them. Focus. Find them all. The humans.
(Wolverine chases Stryker to a helicopter pad, stabs him and chains him to the helicopter's wheel)
NC (vo): Stryker tries to escape, but Wolverine stops him before he takes off.
Wolverine: Who am I?
Stryker: If you really knew about your past...the work we did together...
NC: (as Stryker) What we did to Blob, Gambit and Deadpool; it's too awful to conceive!
(The X-Men free the students and head to the Cerebro replica)
NC (vo): He makes sure Stryker doesn't leave, as the X-Men save the kids, but have to get inside to stop Xavier from killing mankind.
Storm: Kurt, I need you to take me inside.
Nightcrawler: If I can't see where I'm going...
Storm: I have faith in you.
NC: (deadpan) I mean, you... (A clip of Nightcrawler saving Rogue falling out of the jet is shown) ...totally caught a person midair without seeing where she was.
Nightcrawler: (whispers) Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name... (embraces Storm)
NC: There was no window facing her, and yet, you got her on the first try.
Nightcrawler: (whispers) Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on...
NC: Looks like you were facing away from the plane when you teleported back, so I really don't see...
(Nightcrawler and Storm teleport to the inside)
NC (vo): ...how this is a big deal...oh, he made it.
NC: (throws hands) Thank God. So suspenseful.
(They see an illusion of the girl)
NC (vo): It looks like Storm needs to free Stryker's son in order to break the illusion.
Storm: It's about to get very cold in here.
Nightcrawler: I'm not going anywhere.
NC: (shifts eyes in confusion) Why?
(To break Jason's concentration, Storm creates a snowstorm inside, affecting Jason and Nightcrawler. The illusion disappears)
NC (vo): Can't he just warp out and then warp back in when she's done? And why can't she just keep Nightcrawler warm the same way she's clearly keeping herself warm? Maybe she saw (shot from...) Viva Rock Vegas and wanted to punish him.
(Xavier snaps out of it, and Nightcrawler and Storm carry him to the way out. Rogue is at the wheel of the jet, ready to meet the others, while Magneto and Mystique find the chained Stryker and...chain him to the breaking dam to fly off in the helicopter themselves)
NC (vo): It seems to work, as they save the professor, we get the closest thing we'll ever see to Rogue flying, and Magneto again runs into Stryker, who has plans for him. He moves him over there!
NC: Kind of the...equivalent of duct-taping someone to a wall. Doesn't seem that bad.
(Before Magneto and Mystique fly off, Pyro joins them. The X-Men flee the dam as water engulfs it, killing Stryker, but the jet loses all power and struggles to take flight as the flood water rushes towards them)
NC (vo): Pyro ends up joining Magneto...it was a very convincing two-minute talk...but the dam is about to break apart, resulting in...let's just be honest, the most nonsensical of escape plans.
NC: (covers his face with both hands) Ugh...here we go. Jean...
(Jean sneaks off the jet, holds back the water and raises the jet above it as flames erupt from her body)
NC (vo): ...walks out of the plane, lifts the plane in the air, pulls a Moses, and then sacrifices herself to the water.
Xavier: (eyes closed, saying Jean's words via her telepathy) I know what I'm doing. This is...
Jean: ...the only way.
(NC stares, hand on his cheek)
NC: Really? That was the only way?
NC (vo): Iceman couldn't have frozen the water?
Xavier: This is...
Jean: ...the only way.
NC (vo): Storm couldn't have stopped the water?
Xavier: This is...
Jean: ...the only way.
NC (vo): Xavier couldn't have lifted the plane from inside?*
- Note: He actually couldn't do it, he doesn't have telekinesis.
Xavier: This is...
Jean: ...the only way.
NC (vo): SHE couldn't have lifted the plane from inside?
Xavier: This is...
Jean: ...the only way.
NC: You just really wanted to Wrath of Khan this, because you're such a Star Trek bitch that you even...
(A clip of the minor character named Kelly from Star Trek: Nemesis, played by Bryan Singer, is shown)
NC (vo): ...took a small part pushing buttons in one of the most hated of Star Trek movies...
NC: ...didn't you?
(The snippet of Bryan Singer's interview made for the release of X-Men: Apocalypse is shown)
Deep voice: This is the edited version of Bryan Singer saying "Yes".
NC: (annoyed) I KNEW IT!
Cyclops: Jean. Listen to me. (tears up) Don't do this.
NC: (as Cyclops) We barely had something together!
(Jean lets go and allows the flood to crash down upon her, presumably killing her. The jet manages to fly away)
NC (vo): She lets the water finally engulf her, as the X-Men put together that Jean is... (clears throat) dead.
Wolverine: She's gone.
Cyclops: NO! DON'T SAY THAT!
(Cyclops starts sobbing in Wolverine's arms, and Xavier sadly lowers his eyes)
NC: (as Xavier) Oh, I miss how...we knew nothing about her outside of how poorly she teased the next movie.
(Cut to the White House, where McKenna makes the live announcement about the recent events. Suddenly, it gets dark in the office, as everybody except the president freeze. After the lightning flashes several times, McKenna sees the X-Men, including Rogue, Iceman and Nightcrawler, appearing out of nowhere)
NC (vo): The president is about to make an address about harsher laws on mutants, when Xavier freezes the production to let him know that not all mutants are threatening...while threatening the ever-living shit out of him.
McKenna: Then you also know I don't respond well to threats.
Xavier: Mr. President, this is not a threat. This is an opportunity.
(Cut back to the lightning flashing)
NC: (as Xavier) That terrifying lightning is totally to put your mind at ease.
Xavier: There are forces in this world who believe that a war is coming. (brings out Stryker's files and puts them on McKenna's table) Some have already tried to start one. (Cyclops is shown trying to keep his composure) And there have been casualties.
NC: (as Wolverine) Casualties we...barely knew.
Xavier: The next move is yours.
Wolverine: We'll be watching.
(The lightning flashes more as the X-Men disappear just as fast as they have appeared)
NC (vo; as Xavier): Again, not a threat. Totally not a threat. We are so watching!
(After everything unfreezes, the filming crew looks concerned at the shocked McKenna. Back at the school, Xavier, Cyclops, and Wolverine remember Jean)
NC (vo): So America completely ignores that four minutes of dead air, and the president decides not to push for harsher laws on mutants.
NC: Well, first of all...I really doubt that would fly, but let's, for the sake of argument, say that is what happened in America. The entire world was attacked!
NC (vo): Even if the US backed down, every other country would be World War III-ing the hell out of this shit! (sighs) But, for the sake of...I don't know, just ending this almost two-and-a-half-hour movie, the plan works, and Wolverine lets Cyclops know Jean loved him most.
Wolverine: (to Cyclops) She did make a choice. It was you.
NC: (as Cyclops) Wait a minute. Did she have a thing for you, Wolverine? (as Wolverine, nervous) Ooh, yeah, you didn't know about that. Um... (points offscreen) Look! Omega Red! (as Cyclops, looks back) What? He's not even a character yet- (realizes "Wolverine" has left his chair) Dammit!
(Xavier begins to hold his class)
NC (vo): And in case you had any doubt this movie was a total Star Trek II rip-off, here's the opening narration read by the person who just died building up that they're gonna be back in the next film with almost the exact same music.
(Cut to the ending for Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan)
Spock: (narrating) Space. The final frontier.
(Back to X2, the camera flies over the flooded Alkali Lake)
Jean: (narrating) Mutation. It is the key to our evolution.
Spock: (narrating) ...where no man has gone...before.
Jean: (narrating) But every few hundred millennia, evolution leaps forward.
(The musical coda for James Horner's score for Star Trek II is compared to the John Ottman one in X2, and yes, there are similarities. A Phoenix-like shape rises towards the surface of the water, and with this, the movie ends)
NC: (acting amazed, puts hands over his head) Oh, my God, the Firebird! You crashed those expectations right now! (nods, smiling)
(The film's clips are shown again as NC moves to his final thoughts)
NC (vo): So that was X2, what's hailed by many to be one of the best, if not the best, X-Men movie.
(NC looks down to the posters of the first movie, The Last Stand, Origins: Wolverine, The Wolverine and Apocalypse)
NC: How impressive is that again?
NC (vo): Honestly, the film is super long, needlessly slow, has a ton of pointless moments, even more plot holes than the first one, and way too many characters to give them enough time to be interesting. With that said, though, there is an occasional moment of coolness, a nice action sequence here and there, and, mostly a fair amount of good acting to make me care just enough. It's definitely on the lower level of okay, but it is still okay. Nothing special, but nothing that bad either. It's a mostly boring, mostly inconsistent, but mostly harmless comic book adaptation.
NC: And, hey, seeing how much this film is building up the next one, it has to pay off, right? (A period of silence occurs as NC sits with a frozen smile) I'm the Juggernaut, bit-
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by credits)