X-Men Origins: Wolverine (NC)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Released	March 27, 2019
Running Time	26:31
Previous Review	X-Men: The Last Stand
Next Review	TBA
Link	http://channelawesome.com/x-men-origins-wolverine-nostalgia-critic/

(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the X-Month title)

Deep voice: Previously on X-Month...

(We are shown NC in his room, who is looking at a piece of paper. He is about to speak, until we cut to the whole X-Month intro, before going back to NC)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And welcome to the final installment of X-Month!

(Footage of X-Men: The Last Stand is shown)

NC (vo): Well, with X-Men: The Last Stand leaving the bad taste of adamantium dick in most people's mouths, it only made sense to cut out the middle...X-Man, so to speak, and focus on the one that people loved most.

(Images of Wolverine from the comics are shown, as well as brief footage of the film, an image of Magneto, and the film's poster)

NC (vo): Even before the movies, Wolverine had always proven to be X-Men's most popular character, even spawning his own successful comic series. So it was decided a new movie series called X-Men Origins was to begin, each film going into the backstory of a different mutant. There was actually talks for a while of Ian McKellen doing an X-Men Origins: Magneto movie. But everyone wanted to see how their most popular character, Wolverine, fared with his own film.

NC: Well, let me tell you. If this is what they do with their most popular characters, I'd hate to see what they'd do with the shit-stained body parts of their unpopular ones!

(The title of X-Men Origins: Wolverine is shown, before showing its clips)

NC (vo): X-Men fans have their differences, but one thing they can all agree on is X-Men Origins: Wolverine sucks. What should have been the easiest movie to make the most awesome, badass, and fun became the most inconsistent, dull, and downright baffling in terms of story and character choices. Most X-Men fans and not-X-Men fans agree it's the worst of the movies, and we're here to analyze how this middle claw of a flick happened.

NC: Let's wrap up X-Month the right way... well, a way. This is X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

(The film starts in the northwest territories of Canada in 1845, as the caption signals)

NC (vo): It opens up in 1845.

NC: Well, my knowledge of Wolverine only goes back to 1974, (The cover for Incredible Hulk Vol 1 181 is shown) so I guess I just have to judge it less as an adaptation and more as a shitty movie.

(Young James Howlett, played by Troye Sivan, is put to bed by his mother Elizabeth and half-brother Victor Creed)

NC (vo): We see a young Logan, as we discover his original name is Jimmy...so, wait...Jimmy?

(Cut to a later scene)

Young Victor: We're brothers, Jimmy. You realize that?

NC: (smiling) God, I so wish they retitled this now. (The poster for this movie is shown with the caption "Jimmy" instead of "Wolverine" in the title)

(James vitnesses his father being killed by an unknown man. His anxiety activates the boy's mutation: metal bone claws protrude from his knuckles)

NC (vo): ...as his house is broken into, when a stranger apparently killed his father. The kid, for the most part, plays a young Wolverine pretty well, but you have to watch out when the person in charge directs you poorly in a shot.

Young James: (screams into the sky) NOOOOOOOO!!

NC: (nods) Yep, that's the one.

(The scene is repeated)

NC (vo): This kid should have a therapy session with the one from Christmas Story Live. (The clip of Ralphie from this special, showing him singing a song with camera close to him, is shown) Oh, the scary, hilarious consequences of bad direction.

(Back to the movie)

NC (vo): He extends his bone claw...

NC: Tell me that's the name of a D&D character or a wrestler.

(The image of Boneclaw from Dungeons and Dragons is shown. James impales the attacker with his claws, but the latter (named Thomas Logan) reveals that he is James' birth father)

NC (vo): Okay, good. ...And he stabs the man to death, but the man reveals that he was his father all along.

Thomas: Son. (He dies)

NC (vo): Well, best dive into these characters we just met to appreciate why this is so dramatic- (Cut to James running away from home) Or we're just leaving before we establish why we're supposed to care.

NC: (nods slowly) Get used to that.

(Victor catches up to James and calms him down)

NC (vo): It looks like his brother Victor, who will later become Sabretooth...

NC: (takes out his phone and types on it) Okay, that I do need clarification on. (We're shown the Google search results that show the snippet of Sabretooth's biography. The text "it is innacurate that he be declared Logan's brother" is highlighted) Okay, good. (puts the phone down) WHAT WERE YOU THINKING--?!

(As James and Victor flee into the woods, the frame changes into both of them, now played by Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber, fighting in the American Civil War, both World Wars and the Vietnam War. During these sequence, the opening credits are shown)

NC (vo): ...run away into a title sequence where they show every war they ever signed up for: Marvel Civil War, Saving Private Ryan Reynolds, X-Men: Apocalypse Now, and through all of it, Wolverine grew up fast into Hugh Jackman and just kind of stayed that age for the next hundred years...

NC: (as the shots from Days of Future Past and Logan are shown) Until these two movies, and then, suddenly, white hair...

NC (vo): ...and Sabretooth grew up into Liev Schreiber, who finally perfected his dolphin jump.

(Victor runs and jumps like a wolf, hinting at his future identity, and the image freezes while the credit "And Ryan Reynolds" appears and the sound of dolphin chirping is played over it)

NC (vo): In all seriousness, the credits are probably the best part of the movie, which, saying that out loud, makes me realize how much trouble we're in.

(The final part of the credits shows the pair being sentenced to execution by firing squad because of Victor killing a senior officer trying to stop him from raping a Japanese woman)

Soldier: Fire!

Victor: NO!!!

(After the gunshots, we smash cut to James and Victor awakening in the custody, remaining alive due to their healing abilities. Major William Stryker, played by Danny Huston, approaches them)

NC (vo): They're captured, though, and approached by William Stryker, played this time by Danny Huston...

Stryker: Your sentence was carried out by a firing squad at 1000 hours.

James: It tickled.

NC (vo): ...who offers them the chance of a lifetime.

Stryker: I'm putting together a special team with special privileges.

NC: (as Stryker) I'm calling it "The Ass-vengers".

(Victor and James, who's now using the alias Logan, join a group of mutants called Team X, who fly away on their first mission. It includes Wade Wilson, played by Ryan Reynolds, who is shown sharpening his katana, and John Wraith, played by Will.i.am)

NC (vo): They, of course, agree, and if you were to tell me the guy on this plane most likely to get a game-changing Marvel movie would be the one from The Proposal, I'd ask how you did things so wrong, yet so right at the same time.

Victor: That's funny, Wade.

Wade: It's probably not as intimidating as having a gun or bone claws, (gestures towards Victor's lengthening claws) or the fingernails of a lady.

NC: To the film's credit, it is mostly cast well.

NC (vo): Schreiber is a decent Sabretooth, we know Ryan Reynolds will be a good Deadpool, and...maybe Wolverine listens to Black Eyed Peas.