X-Men Origins: Wolverine
March 27, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the X-Month title)
Deep voice: Previously on X-Month...
(We are shown NC in his room, who is looking at a piece of paper. He is about to speak, until we cut to the whole X-Month intro, before going back to NC)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And welcome to the final installment of X-Month!
(Footage of X-Men: The Last Stand is shown)
NC (vo): Well, with X-Men: The Last Stand leaving the bad taste of adamantium dick in most people's mouths, it only made sense to cut out the middle...X-Man, so to speak, and focus on the one that people loved most.
(Images of Wolverine from the comics are shown, as well as brief footage of the film, an image of Magneto, and the film's poster)
NC (vo): Even before the movies, Wolverine had always proven to be X-Men's most popular character, even spawning his own successful comic series. So it was decided a new movie series called X-Men Origins was to begin, each film going into the backstory of a different mutant. There was actually talks for a while of Ian McKellen doing an X-Men Origins: Magneto movie. But everyone wanted to see how their most popular character, Wolverine, fared with his own film.
NC: Well, let me tell you. If this is what they do with their most popular characters, I'd hate to see what they'd do with the shit-stained body parts of their unpopular ones!
(The title of X-Men Origins: Wolverine is shown, before showing its clips)
NC (vo): X-Men fans have their differences, but one thing they can all agree on is X-Men Origins: Wolverine sucks. What should have been the easiest movie to make the most awesome, badass, and fun became the most inconsistent, dull, and downright baffling in terms of story and character choices. Most X-Men fans and not-X-Men fans agree it's the worst of the movies, and we're here to analyze how this middle claw of a flick happened.
NC: Let's wrap up X-Month the right way... well, a way. This is X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
(The film starts in the northwest territories of Canada in 1845, as the caption signals)
NC (vo): It opens up in 1845.
NC: Well, my knowledge of Wolverine only goes back to 1974, (The cover for Incredible Hulk Vol 1 181 is shown) so I guess I just have to judge it less as an adaptation and more as a shitty movie.
(Young James Howlett, played by Troye Sivan, is put to bed by his mother Elizabeth and half-brother Victor Creed)
NC (vo): We see a young Logan, as we discover his original name is Jimmy...so, wait...Jimmy?
(Cut to a later scene)
Young Victor: We're brothers, Jimmy. You realize that?
NC: (smiling) God, I so wish they retitled this now. (The poster for this movie is shown with the caption "Jimmy" instead of "Wolverine" in the title)
(James witnesses his father being killed by an unknown man. His anxiety activates the boy's mutation: metal bone claws protrude from his knuckles)
NC (vo): ...as his house is broken into, when a stranger apparently killed his father. The kid, for the most part, plays a young Wolverine pretty well, but you have to watch out when the person in charge directs you poorly in a shot.
Young James: (screams into the sky) NOOOOOOOO!!
NC: (nods) Yep, that's the one.
(The scene is repeated)
NC (vo): This kid should have a therapy session with the one from Christmas Story Live. (The clip of Ralphie from this special, showing him singing a song with camera close to him, is shown) Oh, the scary, hilarious consequences of bad direction.
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): He extends his bone claw...
NC: Tell me that's the name of a D&D character or a wrestler.
(The image of Boneclaw from Dungeons and Dragons is shown. James impales the attacker with his claws, but the latter (named Thomas Logan) reveals that he is James' birth father)
NC (vo): Okay, good. ...And he stabs the man to death, but the man reveals that he was his father all along.
Thomas: Son. (He dies)
NC (vo): Well, best dive into these characters we just met to appreciate why this is so dramatic- (Cut to James running away from home) Or we're just leaving before we establish why we're supposed to care.
NC: (nods slowly) Get used to that.
(Victor catches up to James and calms him down)
NC (vo): It looks like his brother Victor, who will later become Sabretooth...
NC: (takes out his phone and types on it) Okay, that I do need clarification on. (We're shown the Google search results that show the snippet of Sabretooth's biography. The text "it is innacurate that he be declared Logan's brother" is highlighted) Okay, good. (puts the phone down) WHAT WERE YOU THINKING--?!
(As James and Victor flee into the woods, the frame changes into both of them, now played by Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber, fighting in the American Civil War, both World Wars and the Vietnam War. During these sequence, the opening credits are shown)
NC (vo): ...run away into a title sequence where they show every war they ever signed up for: Marvel Civil War, Saving Private Ryan Reynolds, X-Men: Apocalypse Now, and through all of it, Wolverine grew up fast into Hugh Jackman and just kind of stayed that age for the next hundred years...
NC: (as the shots from Days of Future Past and Logan are shown) Until these two movies, and then, suddenly, white hair...
NC (vo): ...and Sabretooth grew up into Liev Schreiber, who finally perfected his dolphin jump.
(Victor runs and jumps like a wolf, hinting at his future identity, and the image freezes while the credit "And Ryan Reynolds" appears and the sound of dolphin chirping is played over it)
NC (vo): In all seriousness, the credits are probably the best part of the movie, which, saying that out loud, makes me realize how much trouble we're in.
(The final part of the credits shows the pair being sentenced to execution by firing squad because of Victor killing a senior officer trying to stop him from raping a Japanese woman)
(After the gunshots, we smash cut to James and Victor awakening in the custody, remaining alive due to their healing abilities. Major William Stryker, played by Danny Huston, approaches them)
NC (vo): They're captured, though, and approached by William Stryker, played this time by Danny Huston...
Stryker: Your sentence was carried out by a firing squad at 1000 hours.
James: It tickled.
NC (vo): ...who offers them the chance of a lifetime.
Stryker: I'm putting together a special team with special privileges.
NC: (as Stryker) I'm calling it "The Ass-vengers".
(Victor and James, who's now using the alias Logan, join a group of mutants called Team X, who fly away on their first mission. It includes Wade Wilson, played by Ryan Reynolds, who is shown sharpening his katana, and John Wraith, played by Will.i.am)
NC (vo): They, of course, agree, and if you were to tell me the guy on this plane most likely to get a game-changing Marvel movie would be the one from The Proposal, I'd ask you how did things so wrong, yet so right at the same time.
Victor: That's funny, Wade.
Wade: It's probably not as intimidating as having a gun or bone claws, (gestures towards Victor's lengthening claws) or the fingernails of a bag lady.
NC: To the film's credit, it is mostly cast well.
NC (vo): Schreiber is a decent Sabretooth, we know Ryan Reynolds will be a good Deadpool, and...maybe Wolverine listens to Black Eyed Peas.
(Team X is dropped off in Lagos, Nigeria, and walk into some sort of a village, standing in an almost perfect line)
NC (vo): They drop off in Nigeria, where they try to keep a low profile, walking like the poster for every Expendables movie.
(Fred Dukes, aka Blob, played by Kevin Durand, hits the tank gun so hard, it explodes)
NC: Cool! His mutant power...
NC (vo): ...is to Bugs Bunny people to death! (A pixel animation of Bugs Bunny sticking his fingers into Elmer Fudd's gun, making it explode, is shown)
(Team X and Stryker get into the elevator to get to the top of the building, but somebody in the control room stops its moving)
NC (vo): The enemy stops them in the elevator, though...
(NC has his hand on his forehead)
NC: They took the elevator--?!
(Walking out, Wade reflects the soldiers' gun hits by twirling his staff around him)
NC (vo): ...as Deadpool reveals his mutant power is using gun-tana.
(Wade kills two remaining soldiers by his katanas)
NC (vo; as Wade): An email said your prince was in trouble. We're here to transfer funds!
Stryker: (addressing an African businessman, taking some sort of a rock) I want this.
Businessman: That? That is nothing. A souvenir.
NC (vo): It looks like they're after a rock that the crime lord said was from a small village, and he thought was just a useless souvenir. So, in hindsight, they could have just asked him for the damn thing instead of claiming so many goddamn lives.
(Team X and Stryker take the businessman hostage and drag him outside)
Victor: He says that it's sacred. (breaks the businessman's neck in front of everyone)
NC: Did he break his neck or adjust it?
(The scene is repeated)
NC (vo; as the businessman): Oh, thank you! Can you crack my back next?
(As the innocent people flee in terror, Victor prepares to finish the businessman off)
(He runs to Victor and takes his hand)
Logan: We're done.
(Victor gives Logan a look of chagrin)
NC: (hand on cheek) Hey, you know what'd be interesting? Showing us how Sabretooth got his blood-lust.
NC (vo): I mean, it is called "Origins", but we never goddamn see how these two became who they are. What happened when they ran away from home? They just went into war? How did that impact them as characters? How did it change them? What were they like before? What were they like after?
(Wolverine's introductory scene in X-Men is shown)
NC (vo): The idea behind an origin story, especially a prequel, is to see how their actions and environment shape who they are.
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): But who they are in the first 10 minutes it's pretty much exactly who they are by the last 10 minutes. The biggest change is from a little boy to a grown man, and that only lasts a minute. Stuff happens to them all throughout the movie, but we never see how it alters them in any way.
NC: (as the images of Logan in Origins and Wolverine in the first movie are shown) This Wolverine is the exact same as this Wolverine. He just doesn't have metal claws. (After a beat, he snickers) And he's called Jimmy.
(Logan announces that he quits Team X)
Victor: Jimmy! We can't just let you walk away.
(Six years later, Logan works as a logger in Canada, where he lives with his girlfriend Kayla Silverfox, played by Lynn Collins. More scenes of Logan's peaceful life are shown)
NC (vo): Take this, for example. Jimmy leaves the team, and we cut to him years later in the mountains with a woman. Who the hell is she? I mean, her name is Kayla, but...who the hell is she? We don't see how they met, how they know each other, what she's like. We just know they're suddenly together and they smile so lovingly at each other that she's clearly dead.
(At night, Logan suddenly wakes up and roars)
Kayla: Was it the wars? Which one?
Logan: (glumly) All of them.
NC: (as Kayla, nodding in understanding) Viet Civil World War Nam.
NC (vo): I can't see Hugh Jackman ever slumming a performance, but even he doesn't seem as into it as usual. Look at his face here, as he's being given the origin story of his name. He doesn't look like letting it sink in enough that it'll one day become his identity, he looks more like he's going through his grocery list in his head.
Kayla: (stroking Logan's cheeks as he stares at her) So he told Kuekuatsheu that the Moon asked for flowers. And every night...
NC (vo; as Logan, thinking): Milk...apple sauce...strange cheese...order Count Choculas in Sea's Gift...
NC: He's not even hiding his accent half the time.
Logan: (different scenes) See, you're gonna take me to this island... / Do you, uh, have those powers over me? / I ain't leaving you until you tell me where Victor is. / I'm just gonna ask nicely. / Mind let us go by? / Come on, bub.
NC (vo): He sounds like an angry and constipated Rocko. (This character from Rocko's Modern Life is shown)
Logan: (in a later scene, to Gambit) Or I can kill Creed, Stryker and pretty much everyone you hate in this world.
Lloyd Christmas: (from Dumb and Dumber) Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
(We're shown Victor approaching Kayla in her car. Cut to Logan discovering her bloodied body in the woods)
NC (vo): But Jimmy's brother finds like-you'd-remember-her-name-if-I-said-it and pours fake blood all over her. (A later flashback scene of Victor pouring red paint on an unconscious Kayla is shown) I originally meant that as a joke, but, as we find out later, that is what actually happens.
NC: If I can tell from a distance that's not real, how can this dumbass with heightened senses not pick that up?
NC (vo): Even this supposed big emotional moment seems half-assed, as the music and his screaming seems randomly cut short.
(Logan, holding Kayla's body, screams at the sky with anger and grief, and the camera pans over the woods, until we transition to Stryker's base via bright flash in total silence)
NC: This whole film feels like it was written by a Google program!
NC (vo; in a robotic voice): Protagonist befriends love interest for five minutes of screen time. Old friend betrays protagonist at exactly 30-minute mark. Protagonist screams for 5.1 seconds. They should equal you crying. Why aren't you crying?
(Victor is shown in a bar)
Bartender: You're not from around here, are you? (Victor looks back)
NC: (as Victor) Actually, my name's Sabretooth. I chose it based on a story where a spirit came down to Earth and...you know what? I chose that 'cause it's cool. Why can't that be a thing?
(Logan storms into a bar, furious)
Victor: Look what the cat dragged in.
Bartender: Guys, whatever this is, take it outside.
NC (vo; imitating a South Park character): Now, Skeeter, he ain't hurting nobody.
(Victor charges at Logan, breaking the wall, and they brawl outside, but the action is really hard to make out because of the different angles and jump cuts)
NC (vo): Jimmy fights Sabretooth, and they have an amazingly bad action sequence that you can barely make out because it's shot and edited, I think, by an actual wolverine.
(Victor unstraps several logs from a truck, which fall at Logan, crushing him)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, they say a firing squad tickles, but a log, that's what takes the mighty Wolverine out of action.
(Logan wakes up in a hospital ward)
Logan: (to a surgeon) Where is he? I said, where is he?!
(Logan leaves the ward, finds Stryker and grabs him by the throat)
NC (vo): He wakes up in a hospital, where Stryker approaches him, just in time to do his Pacino.
Logan: Six years, I've been here. No one knew me, and then you show up! And the next day, she's dead!
NC: (as Michael Corleone from The Godfather Part II) Where my children come to play with their toys.
(Stryker explains that Victor has gone rogue and offers Logan a way to become strong enough to get his revenge)
NC (vo): Styker offers Jimmy a procedure to make him indestructible...despite him already being indestructible...by giving him an adamantium skeleton. (Cut to Logan undergoing through an operation which was shown before in the first two movies: him being given adamantium in his body in a water tank) Oh, I'm so glad we haven't seen this imagery yet. Hugh Jackman's acted this "being experimented" shtick so much, he's literally playing it in his sleep. (A flatline is shown on one monitor in the lab) Or dead, I'd believe that, too.
Agent Zero (Daniel Henney): Well, I guess he can die.
NC: (as Zero) We just can't resuscitate this movie.
(Stryker orders that Logan's memory be erased so he can be used as Stryker's personal weapon, but Logan overhears that and suddenly awakens, diving out of the water. Zero shoots him in the head...but the wound heals up by itself, therefore meaning the adamantium is in Logan's body)
NC (vo): He wakes up, though, hearing that they want to erase his memory, and he goes after them. But first...
(Logan jumps out of the tank and runs away, his back turned to the camera. The lower body part is covered by Hugh Jackman's surprised face)
Jeremy Hawke: (audio, from The Critic) A tasteful glimpse of me bottom for the ladies.
(Using his claws, Logan carves two crossed diagonal lines in the metal wall, and then breaks out)
NC: Do directors think if they just emphasize an X...
(The 20th Century Fox logo from the first three films, which has an X flashing briefly when the logo fades to black, is shown)
NC (vo): ...that makes a good X-Men movie?
(Logan immediately jumps off a high waterfall. Cut to a clip from The Fugitive)
Samuel Gerard: The guy did a Peter Pan right here off of this dam, right here!
(Next, we're shown a farmer Travis Hudson, played by Max Cullen, and his wife Heather, played by Julia Blake, arriving home and discovering a naked Logan in their barn)
NC (vo): Of course, it wouldn't be a comic book origin story without the friggin' nicest silver-haired angels that offer parental advice to our main character. Though their kindness might be characterized as borderline insanity if you would give shelter to a naked man breathing heavily in your barn.
Logan: It's cold.
NC: (as Logan, points down) Yeah, it's...usually bigger than that.
Travis: You just had a rough night.
Logan: Yeah, you could say that.
NC (vo; as Travis): Well, I see no threat emulating from this. Feel free to stay in our home and play with my grandchildren.
(After Travis introduces Logan to Heather, Logan goes into the bathroom to retract his claws in his right hands)
NC (vo): So Jimmy, despite using them earlier, apparently forgot he had claws, as he looks incredibly surprised when they pop out of his knuckles.
(Logan pulls out the claws in his left hand...and, frankly, the effects are really noticeable here)
NC: ...After he picked them up from Toontown. What is up...
NC (vo): ...with those effects?! It looks like someone ripped off the fangs from the tiger in Ice Age (An image of Diego from this movie is shown) and glued them onto his hand! The first film had half the budget of this one, and they made them look okay. This flick, I keep expecting cartoon faces to pop on them, like...
(Several smiling faces are edited onto Logan's claws)
NC (vo; as claws): Hi, Jimmy! We are your claws!
(Logan accidentally slices the sink and the battery in the bathroom, and later, he presents the part of the sink to Travis and Heather)
Logan: I swear I'll gonna pay for it.
NC: (as Travis) Well, logically, I should throw your crazy ass out, but we're Canadian! We have a stereotype to keep up.
(A clip from WSIB "Accident" PSA is shown, showing a female sous chef slipping and falling, slashing the water in the boiling pot on her face)
NC: (looking nervous and slightly scared) ...mostly.
(The following morning, Travis gives Logan his son's leather jacket, and Heather brings in breakfast in the barn)
NC (vo): The old man gives Jimmy his son's jacket who, thank God, also happened to be a muscle-bound beefcake, as the missus brings in some refreshments for them.
Heather: I brought you some...
(Suddenly, the dishes on the tray break because of a sudden gunshot. Two more shots kill Heather and Travis)
NC (vo; as Heather): Oh, dear. I'll have to make more.
(The camera moves through the grass hills in a fast pace, zooming in to Agent Zero at the sniper rifle)
Zero: (speaking into a walkie-talkie) Weapon X is in the barn.
NC: (waves hands) Well, glad to know we elevated from Blue Sky Animation to DreamWorks Animation in the same film. (The clip of Logan examining his claws and the mentioned clip are played to NC's sides)
Stryker: (in his base) Blow him to bits. Let's see if he can survive that.
(The helicopter behind Zero rises up several feet off the ground and nukes the barn. Logan drives out of the flames on a motorcycle)
NC (vo; as Zero): Uh, sir, he survived exactly that.
(The helicopter with Zero onboard chases after Logan)
NC: You know, I'm not gonna lie, I was actually enjoying a few minutes with the old couple. That's probably why they got rid of them so fast.
NC (vo): We get a chase scene that on paper sounds pretty cool, with a chopper, motorcycle and jeep, flying around and blowing shit up, but, once again, it's shot and edited like a monkey shaking you by the shoulders, going...
(NC imitates a monkey screaming and shaking his body, annoyed. In the movie, Logan manages to jump off a jeep before a helicopter blows it up, and the shot of Logan leaping to the helicopter moving towards him is shown in comparison. This reveals that this is actually longer in the trailer for the film)
NC (vo): It's legitimately sad when the trailer holds longer on a shot than the actual movie does!
(The helicopter crashes after Logan cuts off its rotor blades. He prepares to leave, but Zero seems to have survived)
Zero: It's funny how good, innocent people tend to die around you.
(Logan stops walking and extends his claws, strikes the ground and ignites the fuel trail to the chopper, blowing it up and killing Zero. Logan walks away from the explosion in slow-motion)
NC (vo): By the way, if you're wondering if lighting the gas leading to a giant explosion and walking away without looking in 2009 was cliched...
NC: (grinning) No. It was embarrassingly cliched.
(We go to a commercial. After returning, we're shown Stryker speaking to General Munson)
NC (vo): So after summing up how people are liking this movie...
Munson: Colonel, this is turning into a disaster.
(Logan arrives in Las Vegas and reunites with John Wraith in a boxing club)
NC (vo): ...Wolverine rides to Vegas, where, I'm not gonna lie, at this point, I'd rather just see him gamble than carry out whatever mission he was on. (The Photoshopped picture of Logan at the card table is shown) Three Claw Stud? I'd totally watch that.
John: But maybe Dukes knows.
Logan: Fred Dukes?
John: He developed a bit of an eating disorder. We all got our coping mechanisms.
NC: Oh, yeah. So, you remember in X-Men a character called the Blob?
(The image of Fred Dukes, aka the Blob, as seen in the comics, is shown)
NC (vo): One of the more famous foes whose mutant power was an indestructible obese body?
(Fred Dukes is shown at a small boxing ring, having become obese. He gets angry at Logan after mishearing "bub" as "blob" and drags him onto the ring)
NC (vo): Well, now he's just a dude who put on a lot of weight. Still a mutant, but his powers have absolutely nothing to do with his size. He just let himself go. It's like saying Superman is still an alien, but he doesn't have superhuman strength; he just mimics pumping iron a lot.
Logan: (putting on gloves) Come on, man, look at him.
NC (vo): Blob. Blob had bitch tits.
(Fred starts hitting Logan's face, surprising the latter)
Fat Bastard: (audio, from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me) Get in my belly!
(Logan hits Fred into his stomach, but is knocked down)
NC: You know, with how PC things are becoming...
NC (vo): ...you'd think an actor who isn't overweight playing an overweight character...
NC: ...would be called "Fatface".
(Eventually, Logan takes down Fred and demands to know Victor's location. Victor himself goes to a school and sees a student named Scott Summers (Tim Polock), who is wearing sunglasses)
NC (vo): Jimmy beats enough to get information on where Sabretooth and Stryker are, and it looks like the two of them are out hunting another mutant: a young Peter Bogdanovich!
(Victor breaks into school and attacks Scott, making him to shoot lasers from his eyes. Victor manages to hold Scott down on the floor)
Scott: Don't! Please, don't!
(Stryker approaches the two)
NC (vo; as Victor): Just remember when we meet up years later, and I grow my hair blonde and I never talk. We are never to reference this.
(By Fred's instructions, Logan and John head to New Orleans to search for a card player Remy LeBeau (Taylor Kitsch), who's called "Gambit". He was the only one who escaped from the laboratory. After seeing Logan and refusing to offer any help, he rolls a set of cards above the table, which is slowed down, and they hit Logan, making him break through the brick wall)
NC (vo): Blob says Jimmy can find another mutant who escaped Stryker's experiments named Gambit. I don't really know why he looks like (shot of...) Sawyer from LOST, but he gives us the only cool shot in the movie, so I have no choice but to like it.
(Gambit comes to Logan)
Gambit: Two years I rotted in that hellhole, and I ain't never going back- (Logan does an offhand elbow punch in his face)
NC: (smiling) That's kind of funny, too.
(Victor appears before Logan after killing John and extracting his DNA)
Victor: Tell me something, Jimmy.
NC: (chuckles) But still not as funny as when he calls him that.
Victor: Do you even know how to kill me?
Logan: I'm gonna cut your goddamned head off.
(Cut to Gambit running on the roof)
NC: He was literally just knocked out!
NC (vo): How did he get out there so fast?
(Gambit goes down by using his metal cane as a propeller. He then hits the cane on the ground so hard, Logan and Victor are thrown away from one other)
NC (vo): And I don't know aeronautics, but I'm pretty sure you can't helicopter down via cane the same way (picture of...) Dixie Kong does with her hair.
NC: YOU'RE GAMBIT! You and Dixie Kong should not be mentioned in the same sentence!
(Victor quietly makes his leave, as Logan and Gambit continue their brawl)
NC (vo): Sabretooth escapes, as Jimmy and Gambit stay for...honestly, no reason to fight.
(Gambit climbs up the metal staircase, but Logan starts destroying it, stair-by-stair)
NC: (poker-faced) This is a cartoon. All that's missing is a Tom and Jerry scream.
(The famous yell of Tom the cat made by William Hanna plays out as Gambit falls down. He then agrees to follow Logan's plan. We go back to Stryker in his lab, surrounded by several doctors, as he looks on a body on the table, its eyelids pulled up forcibly)
NC (vo): Gambit finally agrees to help Jimmy get Stryker, as Stryker puts the finishing touches on his latest mutant experiment.
Dr. Carol Frost: A few more hours.
Stryker: And he will respond to my commands?
Frost: Absolutely. (injects something in the body's eyes)
NC: (as Stryker) We're gonna make (photo of...) Momo a reality. Urban legend, my ass!
(Logan is taken to Stryker's facility, which is located on Three Mile Island. He confronts Stryker)
NC (vo): Jimmy finally catches up with Stryker, and you gotta love how our lead is so unimpressive he's not even worth a head turn.
Stryker: I've learned that nothing motivates the men in your family like... (turns head to Logan) revenge.
(Kayla is revealed to be alive, and Logan is heartbroken)
NC (vo): But, gasp! What's-her-face is still alive! (Beat) Wow, that's so underwhelming and not worth shitting a care that even Jimmy doesn't know how to react to it! He just kind of awkwardly kneels and lets out a reverse quack.
(Logan makes a desperate sound, trying not to sob)
NC: (nods) Wolverine. (An image of an angry Wolverine from the comics is shown with "Quff" written in the speech bubble)
NC (vo): It's revealed that she worked with Stryker because he's holding her sister hostage, and her mutant power is she can touch people and influence them to think whatever she liked. Now...on top of asking why the hell she doesn't just use that power to have Stryker hand her sister over...
NC: I mean, CHIRST-
(The previous clips of Logan and Kayla living together are shown)
NC (vo): ...made from a storytelling standpoint, how cool it would have been if we saw them meet? She holds his hand, and from that point on, we have to re-watch the scene and ask: was this real love or just her mutant power? There could have been a brilliant dramatic setup here. But because that would mean making a connection with the characters instead of just...doing things... (Random small clips from the movie are shown) Gotta do this thing, gotta do this thing, gotta do this thing...we're developed now!...Jimmy tells her exactly what he told Fox after seeing this movie.
Logan: I'm just the fool who got played.
NC: So, obviously, (puts up fists) it's time to fight those who wronged him-
(Logan leaves Stryker and Kayla, saddened)
NC (vo): ...or he walks away.
NC: (nods, smiling) Wolverine! (Another comic book image of an angry Wolverine is shown with "This is too rough. I'm going home." in the speech bubble)
(In dead silence, Logan walks away in the dark)
NC (vo): You know, this is also amazingly underwhelming, you gotta wonder what Stryker was talking about at the end of X2. Remember when he was bringing up his past?
(The clip from X2 is shown, showing Wolverine chaining Stryker to the helicopter wheel)
Stryker: You're an animal then, you're an animal now. If you really knew about your past...what kind of person you were, the work we did together...
(Back to Origins)
NC (vo; as Stryker): We stole a rock, gave you some Tiny Toon claws, and this lady you barely know didn't die!
NC: (as Stryker) We were animals! ANIMALS!!
(Just after Logan leaves, Victor enters the scene and demands an adamantium bonding promised for his service)
NC (vo): And I guess Sabretooth reveals why he suddenly betrayed his brother.
Victor: (angrily walks to Stryker) Give me the adamantium.
Stryker: Your tests came back.
Victor: WE HAD A DEAL!
Stryker: You would never survive the operation.
NC: (shifts eyes) So...over a hundred years...
NC (vo): ...of knowing this guy, and you totally betray him because you just wanted adamantium in your bones? Something the guy says wouldn't work anyway? (Tenderheart Bear and Grumpy Bear from The Care Bears franchise are shown) I think Tenderheart and Grumpy Bear have a more complex rivalry than that!
(Having changed his mind, Logan breaks all the cages with the captive mutants inside them open. But before they run away, they stop before Stryker's experiment: a shirtless person with Wade's body with sewn mouth, no eyelids, and he has several lines and circles drawn on his body. This is Weapon XI)
NC (vo): Wolverine returns and helps free all the mutant cameos, and...yeah, let's get this over with...the mutant that was being worked on earlier was Deadpool.
Logan: Wade, is that you?
(NC just stares)
NC: By God. It's like...
NC (vo): ...the comic leaped onto the screen. (The comic book image of Deadpool imitating shooting himself in the head is shown)
Logan: Guess Stryker finally figured out how to shut you up.
NC: (grins) But brilliant trolling can't keep one silent for long.
(Logan is shown pulling up his claws in a close-up while Weapon XI stays in shadows. Then he's suddenly shot in the head by...Deadpool, revealing that was a mid-credits scene of Deadpool 2)
NC: (shrugs) Hey, I'm just keeping the canon!
(Back to the film, Weapon XI attacks Logan, controlled by Stryker in the other room)
NC (vo): Sadly, that's not what happens in this film, though...
NC: But, oh, my God, can you imagine every copy of this movie they made afterwards? They put that part in, and that's where it ends, they roll the credits and everything... Oh, my God, Ryan Reynolds! Get on that!
(Weapon XI is shown teleporting to the top of the big pipe where Logan is and shoots lasers from eyes at him)
NC (vo): ...as Deadpool uses all the mutant powers surgically given to him...
NC: (massages his forehead, looking tired) The dumb...it hurts...
(Victor appears and catches the falling Logan)
NC (vo): ...and Sabretooth, right the hell out of nowhere, decides he likes Jimmy again, and they decide to fight him.
(Weapon XI tackles Logan on the ground with his blades. After Stryker types in the command "decapitate", Weapon XI prepares to finish Logan off)
NC: All this high-tech ingenuity, and you...
NC (vo): ...have to type in your commands like a 1980s RPG?
(Weapon XI shoots lasers from eyes again, as Logan, standing on the other side, takes the blow on his claws)
NC: (smirking) Got some great Spaceballs logic working here.
NC (vo): It's the competition of which sucky effect can destroy the other! Toy Story claws and Invader Zim laser beams! Only the crappiest shall survive!
(Finally, Logan stabs Weapon XI to death, and he and Victor start to part ways)
NC (vo): They end up defeating him, but, as Jimmy says, this isn't over.
Logan: This doesn't change anything between us, Victor.
Victor: We're brothers. And brothers look out for each other.
NC: (as Victor) Unless your memories are erased and I go working for a magnet man. You know how it goes.
(Logan walks to the mortally wounded Kayla)
NC (vo): Who-gives-a-dick is dying, though, and Jimmy goes to say goodbye.
(Kayla strokes Logan's cheek, smiling)
Kayla: I love you. I'm so cold.
NC: ...Really? You don't look it. You don't even seem annoyed to be dying.
NC (vo): You can say things all you want, movie, but unless you commit to it.
(After Kayla and Logan kiss, Stryker shoots Logan through his head with adamantium bullets, knocking him down on the ground. After this, he shoots once more)
NC (vo): Stryker shoots two adamantium bullets into his head, and...yep, that's twice they try to fake you out he might die...
(Before Stryker can shoot Kayla, she grabs him and uses her mutant power to aim the gun to his throat)
Kayla: I should make you pull the trigger. But that would make us no better than you. Walk until your feet bleed.
NC: (waves hands) What now'll result in tons of people dying, but why start making sense now?
(The fleeing mutants stop to encounter Professor Charles Xavier...whose face has a ton of makeup put onto)
Mr. Clean Commercial Singer: Well, hi there, Mr. Clean, mighty glad to know you.
Xavier: You're safe now.
(Logan regains consciousness as the wounds heal back, but he has lost his memory. He notices his dog tags read "Logan" on one side and "Wolverine" on the other. He encounters Gambit)
Logan: Who are you?
NC (vo): Huh. Must have...missed those on the X-ray.
NC: Also, weird that Jimmy never told Xavier exactly what he did remember.
NC (vo; as Logan): Yeah, I woke up around a destroyed power plant on this exact date. (as Xavier) Oh, yes, I was totally there. With that starting point, I'm sure we can piece together where you came from- (Logan and Gambit are shown running away) Oh. Guess it doesn't matter.
Gambit: Good luck. (leaves Logan, who sees Kayla's body, not remembering anything)
NC (vo): Eh, it was a shame that Gambit guy didn't get much screen time, but I'm sure he'll get another starring role in the big moneymaker. (The posters for John Carter and Battleship are shown)
(The movie ends)
NC: And that was X-Men Origins: Jimmy…I mean, Wolverine…I mean…Jimmy.
(Footage of the film is shown once more as NC goes to his final thought)
NC (vo): Yeah, because this definitely was not Wolverine. Wolverine is one of the coolest characters in comic book history, but none of that would be reflected if you went off of this movie alone. It doesn’t add up to the continuity of the films, it doesn’t please any comic fans, it’s way too boring and cliched to entertain newcomers, it’s just a disaster. X-Men has had a shaky history in both comics and film, but when it comes to the absolute worst X-Men flick there is, you need look no further than X-Men Origins: Jimmy.
NC: And that was X-Month. I hope everybody had a good time, and...
(Hyper Fangirl appears in the door, smiling)
HFG: I'm ready!
NC: Hyper? What are you doing here?
HFG: Oh, well, I was in the animated intro, so I just assumed I'd be flying around as Rogue.
NC: Oh...yeah, um...that...that was more of a style thing.
HFG: (frowns) Wait, so...I'm...I'm not gonna be an X-Man?
NC: (smiling sheepishly) Well, aren't we all X-Men in our hearts?
NC: We are now. Congratulations! (HFG stares) I'll make it up to you later! Just get outta here!
(HFG leaves NC, sobbing. She sharply turns back to him, but NC waves her off. She runs away)
NC: So I hope you enjoyed X-Month, and...
(Now at the door is...)
Devil: I'm ready.
NC: (puts his hand on cheek) Oh, for God's sake...
Devil: I take offense at that.
NC: I'm not having us as the X-Men!
Devil: Then why'd you have us in the intro?
NC: I just told the animator to draw something cool!
Devil: Yeah, that was cool. Now let's actually do it.
NC: I can't! X-Month is over, so get outta here!
Devil: (rolls eyes) Fine.
(He turns back to the camera, but immediately sees...Stan Lee, played by Barney Walker)
Lee: I'm ready.
NC: How did you even...?
Lee: I'm ready for my cameo as Dead Lee! (Or "Dad Lee", interpret that as you will)
NC: I'm not doing that! And besides, you didn't cameo anywhere else!
Lee: Sure I did. Here, look!
(The snippet from the X-Month intro is shown, showing Barney Walker amongst the people fleeing in terror. The green arrow points him out)
Lee (vo): You see?
Lee: You always need a cameo from the creator.
NC: You didn't create The Nostalgia Critic.
Lee: Sure I did. Look, when a man and a woman love each other very much-
NC: BEAT IT!
(Lee leaves, grunting. Now NC is instantly interrupted by Eric and Julia Lewalds, still surrounded by their merchandise)
Eric: Hey, Critic. We're here for X-Month.
NC: Oh, my God! It's already over!
Julia: And you didn't invite us?
NC: Wha...it was your idea!
Eric and Julia: Exactly!
NC: Oh, my God...can you just go away before other people spontaneously appear in my corner? (He sees HFG, the Devil, Stan Lee and Santa Christ looking at him in disapproval) DAAAAH!
SC: You puss-advertised critic!
Devil: Yeah. None of us were in X-Month.
NC: (annoyed) Okay, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you all somehow!
HFG: Oh, you mean by reviewing the movie starring a person you never wanted to talk about, and...
NC: Stop right there! I know how this works. You bring up a movie or person I don't want to talk about, and once I talk about them, their picture pops up, and I'm stuck reviewing it! Well, I'm not falling for it this time, so get out!
Julia: Well, I think she was just talking about...
NC: OUT! OUT! EVERYBODY OUT!
Eric and Julia: Buy our book!
(HFG, the Devil, Lee and SC leave the room, offended)
HFG: Oh, man...
SC: Oh! It's like Christmas with the Hitlers!
Lee: Lousiest cameo ever! (The Devil is seen making a hand motion towards NC while leaving)
NC: (sighs) There. Now I'm not bound to anything. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
Channel Awesome tagline - (Logan making an "quff" sound)
(We're then shown a short blooper of the scene where HFG walks away from NC, sobbing. She turns her head sharply, then runs away...but loses her wig and catches it. Tamara and Doug burst into laughter, as Tamara returns to the doorway and puts the wig back)
Doug: (offscreen) Perfect. No other take needed.
(The credits roll)