And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "X-Men Origins: Wolverine."
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
There's this kid called Logan.
Also known as the Wolverine!
And he has a jerky, alcoholic father.
But he dies!
I wish my father would die!
If he wasn't dead already.
And Logan has a brother named Creed.
Who is also known as Sabretooth!
And they grow up through all the great wars!
World War 1.
World War 2.
War of the Worlds.
War of the Roses.
The War of Afghanistan--- Wait, that hasn't happened yet.
Until they're told to join this super team of mutants.
And their names are Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo...
But not Raphael! He's a douche!
Wait, wrong movie.
And he marries a woman named Kayla.
Also known as Silverfox!
And they're getting to know each other, and they fall so much in love.
But she dies!
I wish my girlfriend would die!
If she wasn't a horse.
So, this army guy is like, "Come with me, and I'll put metal in your body!"
And Wolverine is like, "Okay."
"It's gonna hurt." "What?" (Mimics Wolverine thrashing in the tank)
And Wolverine is like, "I have claws now, bitches!"
So, he comes across these two old people who take care of him.
But they die!
I wish my old people would die!
Except I don't know any.
So, he comes across this Cajun guy called Remy.
Also known as Gambit!
And Wolverine is like, "Take me to Sabretooth!"
And Gambit is like, "Die!"
"No." "Oh, okay. I guess I'll help you out then."
So, they fly to a giant nuclear power plant.
And the army guy is like, "I've created a mutant that combines all sorts of other mutants powers."
I used to love to play Megaman!
That was before I ate my TV.
So, Wolverine goes into the power plant to get Sabretooth.
But it turns out that Sabretooth is with Silverfox, who is still alive!
Chun chun CHUN!
And Wolverine's like, "I thought you were dead!"
And Silverfox is like, "Nope." "Huh."
So, Sabretooth and Wolverine are fighting like animals.
And then they're like, "Dude, we shouldn't be fighting."
"You're right. We'll save that for the first X-Men movie. In which case, I'll grow blonde hair, never talk, and forget who you are."
So, the army guy releashes the mutant with all the other mutant powers.
And his name is Deadpool!
Also known as Deadpool!
So, they have a fight on top of the nuclear power-ma-plant.
And the power-ma-plant explodes!
And Silverfox comes up to Wolverine and says, "Let's be together forever and ever and---"
But she dies! ...Again!
And Wolverine is like, "I wish I could just forget about all of this!"
And the army guy is like, "Okay." (Makes gun gesture and gunshot sound is heard) "Eugh!"
So, the Wolverine has no memory about who he is.
And he just walks off into the sunset knowing nothing. ....Welcome to my life, bud!
Waking up in front of a destroyed power plant with a radioactive mutant in front of you? That's like every week for me!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, can you give me money for all the nuclear power plants I destroyed? I'm not violent - I just like to destroy things!