X-Men (NC)

X-Men
Released	March 6, 2019
Running Time	36:45
Previous Review	X-Men: The Animated Series
Next Review	X2: X-Men United
Link	http://channelawesome.com/x-men-nostalgia-critic/

(The Channel Awesome logo plays, followed by the title theme of this year's theme month: "X-Month". This is an animated intro that starts with a big yellow X letter appearing in the sea and exploding. The soundalike of Ron Wasserman's iconic music plays throughout. What follows is a montage of people performing the moves of the titular characters in the first opening of the 1992 show: Nostalgia Critic (Cyclops), Rob/Santa Christ (Wolverine), Hyper Fangirl (Rogue), Aiyanna (Storm, with metal wings deploying), the Devil (the Beast), Walter (as Gambit, throwing five numbered cards), Heather (as Jubilee, wearing Doe's clothing), Jim/Joker (as Jean Grey, laughing and shooting guns) and Professor Snob (Xavier). The villains' roles are taken by the floating Angry Video Game Nerd, Dino Rob, Jim's Joker, Shyamalan, Devil Boner, Rita Repulsa and Bill. All of them charge towards the heroes while in the background, Chester A. Bum, Barney Walker and Evilina are fleeing in terror)

NC: (yelling) NEEEEEEEEEEERD!!!

(After both groups clash, the X-Month title appears and electricity crackles around it, with Channel Awesome logo in the top right corner and the intro's designers' credits below. Fade in to NC in his room)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And welcome to "X-Month"!

(Suddenly, he hears the sound of a doorbell ringing, which gets his attention)

NC: (confused) We...don't have a doorbell, so I'd better check that out.

(He gets out of his seat and walks down the hall, where he is suddenly greeted by Uncle Lies, Aunt Despair and a youth (played by Malcolm) playing on his phone)

NC: Oh, God, what are you doing here? And how'd you make that doorbell sound?

Aunt Despair: (gesturing towards Uncle Lies) It's one of his many gifts.

(Uncle Lies opens his mouth, making a doorbell sound)

Aunt Despair: So, we trust you remember babysitting (gesturing towards youth) our teenage nephew today?

Uncle Lies: We warned you about it five months ago.

NC: Yeah, but I moved studios, hoping you wouldn't find me.

Uncle Lies: We have eyes everywhere.

(NC notices that his room has a mysterious pair of eyes on the wall, which blink and vanish)

NC: The more I find out about you, the less I somehow know.

Aunt Despair: We don't actually know when we're gonna be done, so best play it by ear.

NC: What, do you have some important stuff to do and you can't drag him along with you?

Uncle Lies: (beat) No.

Aunt Despair: We just don't like spending time with him. (To Malcolm) Is that right, buddy? (Pats him on the back)

Malcolm: I don't care.

NC: Dude, you can't just leave him here indefinitely...

(He suddenly notices that Aunt Despair and Uncle Lies have already left, leaving Malcolm behind with a note on him saying, "Keep away from petroleum". NC sighs, goes to the living room, and sits down on the couch, while Malcolm sits next to him on the floor, still playing on his phone)

NC: So...what do you like?

Malcolm: I don't care.

NC: Is the following routine just gonna be you answering "I don't care" to every question?

Malcolm: I don't care.

NC: (simultaneously) I don't care. Well, if I know modern parenting, just putting a screen in front of you is the best way to raise you. So two screens must be better. (Turns on the TV, which shows the title of X-Men) You just play on your phone while I watch the first X-Men movie.

Malcolm: (breaks out of his bored state upon hearing that) X-Men? You mean, like, the Marvel Comics?

NC: Yeah.

Malcolm: I love Marvel Comics!

NC: Yeah? What do you think about the Marvel movies?

Malcolm: They're amazing! They're, like, the comics come to life!

NC: Oh, my God! Well, you're gonna love this movie, then!

Malcolm: Yeah?

NC: When this film came out, every X-Men fan went nuts!

Malcolm: So this is a really great and faithful Marvel adaptation?

NC: That's what everyone said at the time. And seeing how that was almost 20 years ago, and the landscape for comic book movies has barely changed at all, I think we're both in for a lot of surprises!

(NC and Malcolm both smile in anticipation. The title of the movie is shown again, before showing various clips)

NC (vo): When X-Men came out, there was little faith in it. With the exception of Blade, comic book movies at the time were seen more and more as a big joke. (Posters of Blade, Judge Dredd, Spawn, Tank Girl, Barb Wire, and Batman & Robin are shown) Ever since Batman & Robin left a bad mark in everybody's rubber anuses, comic book flicks were shown very little dignity and even less ticket sales. So when the loud and bombastic, yet still poignant and challenging, X-Men comic was given the big screen treatment, it was not given much of a budget, or even much credibility.

NC: Even the trailer had sort of a...

NC (vo): ...B-movie, SyFy Channel feel to it. It looked pretty corny.

(Several scenes of the film's trailer are shown, before going back to film clips)

NC (vo): But thankfully, the movie didn't suck, which immediately meant it was amazing! Critics praised how they weren't laughing at a comic book film, which, back then, was pretty rare... (The poster for Steel is shown) ...and fans loved seeing a certain amount of dignity...oh, hell, any amount of dignity...given to one of the greatest comic book series ever made.

Malcolm: (now concerned) But isn't that like Doctor Strange where they made the Ancient One into a Celtic woman, or like Iron Man 3 where they made the Mandarin not an alien? It's so annoying when they change stuff like that.

NC: Well, again, I haven't watched it in almost 20 years, but seeing how people look back on it so fondly, it has to be a great adaptation!

Malcolm: (resumes smiling) Man, I'm excited!

NC: So am I. Let's go back to the year 2000 when people really knew how to do comic book movies. This is X-Men.

(After the 20th Century Fox logo ends and fades out, the "X" in the logo briefly flashes)

NC: (giddy) Oooh, the "X" shined! That means they're aware of the title.

(The movie starts)

Xavier: (narrating) Mutation.

NC (vo; as Xavier): The final frontier. (normal) We open on a brief narration, and...wait.

NC: Early 2000s movie. I'm guessing quick, fast, blurry shit?

(The background for the opening credits is the camera moving through the green-filtered visuals of DNAs)

NC: You know, this really was...

(The snippets of the similarly-made opening credits for Dreamcatcher, Hulk (2003) and Fight Club are shown, along with a photo of a teen wearing a visor upside down)

NC (vo): ...the cinematic equivalent of upside-down visor. Every time you see it...

NC: ...you're so glad it's dead.

NC (vo): And thus, we open this action-packed comic book superhero movie with... (The first scene of the movie is...the Auschwitz concentration camp in Nazi-occupied Poland in 1944) ...a concentration camp.

NC: (looking uneasy, singing to the tune of the animated show's opening) Na-na-na-na-na, na-na...

(While NC speaks, the following is shown: 12-year-old Erik Lehnsherr is separated from his parents at the camp. Trying to reach them, he causes a set of metal gates to bend towards him as the result of his mutant ability to create magnetic fields and control metal manifesting, only to be knocked out by the guards)

NC (vo): Yeah, it looks like they're going all the way with this, keeping the backstory of classic X-Men villain, Magneto, totally in check. (The cover for the 2009 comic book Magneto Testament is shown) With his parents being killed in the Holocaust, discovering his mutant powers of magnetism at a young age, and creating his hatred for humanity during one of the worst times in humanity's history. At a time when the most recent comic book movie was (poster of...) Mystery Men, this was a ballsy start.

Malcolm: Wow, that really is faithful.

NC: Oh, you bet. Just look at the next scene...

(The movie goes into Meridian, Mississippi, taking place, as the caption says, in "the not-too-distant future". The teenage girl named Marie D'Ancanto, played by Anna Paquin, is speaking to her boyfriend (Shawn Roberts))

NC (vo): ...that takes place in the not-too-distant future... (The snippet of Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme song plays) ...when we're introduced to Rogue, played by Anna Paquin.

Marie: (points at a map) It's only a few hundred miles to Anchorage.

Malcolm: ...Rogue?

NC: (grinning) Uh-huh.

Malcolm: That's Rogue?

NC: Uh-huh.

(The images from the comics related to Rogue are shown)

Malcolm (vo): The twenty-something, super strong, confident, one liner-spewing badass...

Malcolm: ...that sucks people's energy?

NC: Uh, close. Now, she's a teenager...

NC (vo): ...who cries a lot, is super-depressed, and can only suck people's energy.

Malcolm: So, not Rogue. (goes back to his phone)

NC: Hey, come on! I mean, Rogue was a tortured character.

Malcolm: Yeah, but she was still cool because she was confident.

(More comic book images and the clips from the animated show continue showing, being related to Rogue's character development)

Malcolm (vo): She had one of the coolest powers. She could never touch anyone without sucking their life away. But she turned that angst into something kick-ass, not taking shit from anyone socially or physically. You could look up to her because, even though you knew she was suffering, she still chose to be positive and full of hope. That's what made her one of the coolest X-Men.

NC: Wha...sure, if you want to be right, but...this character has a lot to look up to!

Malcolm: (scoffs) Like what?

NC: That angsty face...

NC (vo): ...that looks like she's trying not to shit her pants.

(Several clips of Marie looking saddened and concerned are shown with the sound of farting playing over it)

NC: Now that's something I can be inspired by! (Malcolm stares at the smiling NC...who farts) See? She's inspiring me already.

NC (vo): Okay, in all fairness, Rogue's not a bad character here. She still has depth, is acted very well, it's just...not Rogue.

(The US Senator Robert Kelly, played by Bruce Davison, attempts to pass a "Mutant Registration Act" in Congress, which would force mutants to publicly reveal their identities and abilities. The medical doctor Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), opposing him, makes her speech while her mentor, the disabled Professor Charles Xavier, aka Professor X (Patrick Stewart), listens to the discussion in the audience)

NC (vo): As the film continues, though, we get more faithful interpretations, like Charles Xavier, played by Patrick Stewart, Jean Grey, played by Famke Janssen, and Senator Kelly, played by George Costanza's boss. (The brief clip of Davison's character Wyck in Seinfeld is shown)

Kelly: Are mutants dangerous?

NC: (as Kelly) I propose a poem about Susan's death.

NC (vo): This senator thinks the evolution of humans, or mutants, as they're called, are a growing threat because their heightened powers are becoming more frequent.

Kelly: A girl in Illinois who can walk through walls. Now, what's to stop her from walking into a bank vault?

NC: Okay, can anyone really be taken seriously in front of that...

(It is shown that Jean stands in front of this background: the golden mural of the White House surrounded by the sun rays)

NC (vo): ...Willy Wonka Golden Ticket mural?

NC: She's looking like the virgin Onatopp. (The face of one of Janssen's characters, Xenia Onatopp from GoldenEye, is edited into an icon)

(The audience applauds, and Xavier spots a figure in a hat and a cloak. He follows the person, apparently seeing him before. This person is Erik Lehnsherr, now under the name "Magneto", played by Ian McKellen)

NC (vo): But Xavier sees Keyser Söze...oh, I mean, Magneto, walking away. He's played by Ian McKellen.

Xavier: What are you doing here?

Magneto: Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answers?

NC (vo; as Magneto): And which one of us is talking right now? I confuse us both a lot.

Magneto: (points to his head, speaking softly) Are you sneaking around in here, Charles? Whatever are you looking for?

NC: (as Magneto) Well, if you're looking for mental images in my head, take a gander at this!

(He closes his eyes, and for a second, we're shown a fan art of naked Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee lying on a meadow. NC imitates Xavier shuddering)

NC: (as Magneto) There's plenty more gay Middle Earth porn where that came from. (points to head) This baby's loaded with them. I'm goddamn Gandalf!

(Meanwhile, in Mississippi, Marie accidentally puts her boyfriend into a coma upon kissing him (her abilities are absorbing the powers and life out of the others) and runs away in fear. Adopting the name "Rogue", she travels by bus to Northen Alberta in Canada)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Rogue's powers drain the life out of her boyfriend...or he just found out he's signed down to three Resident Evil movies... (Albert Wesker from the mentioned movie series is shown) ...and she leaves her home in the south and runs away to...Northern Alberta? Christ!

NC: To hitchhike that far, you need the thumbs of...

NC (vo): ...Uma Thurman from Even Cowgirls Get the Blues!

(The truck stops at a gas station, and Rogue gets outside to speak to the driver. Fun fact, by the way: the driver is played by George Buza, who voiced Beast in the animated series)

Rogue: l thought you said you were gonna take me as far as Laughlin City.

Driver: This is Laughlin City.

NC: ...What was even her plan?

NC (vo): Take the absolute zilch of money she had and (a shot of Titanic's...) "Jack Dawson" the world on the drawing in a dream?

Malcolm: If she could fly, that'd make more sense.

NC: Yeah, we know what you think.

(Rogue wanders into a bar and observes the local wrestling fight behind the lattice)

NC (vo): Well, maybe this cage fight bar can further her travels.

Ring announcer: In all my years, gentlemen, I've never seen anything like that.

NC (vo; as the ring announcer): He can sing, he can dance, he can host the Oscars, yet somehow, he's still a credible badass!

(The fighter starts kicking his opponent, who is seen from his bare back, down on the ground)

NC (vo; as the fighter): This is for Kate & Leopold! This is for Pan! This is for not getting Russell Crowe to drop out of Les Mis!

NC: And if you're still disappointed they didn't do Rogue right, check out this introduction!

(The opponent suddenly kicks the fighter's hand with his fist, revealing himself as Logan, aka Wolverine, played by Hugh Jackman. Not paying attention to the audience's cheers, he knocks out the fighter with one headbutt. NC and Malcolm look amazed)

Malcolm: Did I just turn gay?

NC: We all do a little bit.

(The clips of Wolverine in the movie are shown)

NC (vo): From frame one, Hugh Jackman got Wolverine down perfect. It's the same when Michael Keaton was Batman, or Christopher Reeve was Superman. You didn't see an actor portrayal, you saw a childhood hero come to life. Sure, there's no mask or costume, but the overload of adrenaline and testosterone is so heavy, it just turned us into steaks.

(Cut back to NC and Malcolm...literally replaced by two steaks with smiling mouths on them)

Steak Malcolm: I'm a steak.

Steak NC: And that's okay.

NC (vo): He wins the fight, as Rogue hangs around the bar, not exactly knowing what to do.

(Wolverine sits at the bar, with cigar in his mouth)

Wolverine: I'll have a beer.

NC (vo): Yeah, I hear I'm supposed to be teamed up with this Rogue bombshell that has the hots for me and can suck me dry... (Wolverine looks back at Rogue sitting next to him) Oh, God, you're not her, are ya?

Rogue: Look out!

(The fighter from before comes at Wolverine from the back, but the latter realizes this via his senses, grabs the fighter and pulls out his claws from between his knuckles for the first time, threateningly aiming at his throat)

NC (vo): Logan fights off Steve Wilko, but can't help but sense teen angst in the air.

(Driving away in the truck, Wolverine discovers Rogue among the stuff)

Rogue: I'm sorry. l needed a ride. I thought you might help me.

Wolverine: The hell are you doing?

NC (vo; as Wolverine): I mean, you call that a Southern accent? It's not nearly as consistent as my Canadian accent, eh!

(Wolverine eventually allows Rogue to come with him)

NC (vo): He does decide to give her a bit of a break, though, and the two of them seem to form a bond. She even overtime starts to see him as a protective role model.

(We cut to a later scene showing Rogue and Wolverine talking with each other on a train)

Rogue: The first boy I ever kissed ended up in a coma. I can still feel him. And it's the same with you.

Malcolm: Wait a minute. An insecure teen runaway that looks up to Wolverine? That's Jubilee!

(The image from the comic is shown, showing Jubilee hugging Wolverine)

NC: No, it's, uh... (clears throat) ...totally Rogue.

Malcolm: It's Jubilee, man! Now that's two characters I'm never gonna see done right!

NC: No, no, no. They have her in the movies, like, uh...

(Cameo appearances of Jubilee in this movie (student in the class) and the deleted scene of the second one (walking around the museum) are shown, before showing a clip from X-Men: Apocalypse)

NC (vo): ...there, and...there, and...in the 80s somehow! Okay, look, clearly, they want to do like what they did in the cartoon, with the young newcomer being introduced to the team, serving as the audience.

Malcolm (vo): But it's Wolverine who's focused on when the X-Men are introduced.

NC: Wha...that's not...but...yeah. But at the same time, she has a more tragic power! She can't touch anything! What a great metaphor for teen angst!

Malcolm: So...change the power, not the character!

Malcolm (vo): They could have replaced her with Jubilee and made her powers blow up everything she touches, so she still couldn't make contact with anybody. In fact, Kitty Pryde has a cameo in this, and she's a teenager that can disappear through walls. Not being seen is a far better metaphor for teen angst. You could have done either of those faithfully and then save Rogue for another movie, where she can be older, badass, and fly.

NC: (points sternly at Malcolm) I...no, you listen here, young man! I will not have you badmouth what me and my college friends chose to ignore!

Malcolm: Whatever. (takes out phone) I'm gonna go back to playing Tinder Fortnite.

NC: (stutters) Wait! You're gonna miss one of the greatest rivalries ever!

NC (vo): You see, after a tree falls in front of them...

(Suddenly, a large tree falls on the way of the truck, making it smash into it. Wolverine falls through the glass and slides on the ground while the famous Goofy Holler is heard. Wolverine stands up and sniffs)

NC (vo): ...he suddenly smells spirit gum in the air.

(The large half-human, half-wolf creature attacks Wolverine, and it's Victor Creed/Sabretooth, played by Tyler Mane)

Malcolm: (gets excited) Whoa, is that Sabretooth?

NC: Damn right, that's Sabretooth!

(The images relating to Wolverine and Sabretooth in various media are shown)

NC (vo): One of the greatest rivalries of all time is Wolverine and Sabretooth. It's been going on for years in the comics, cartoons, games; it's a classic feud.

NC: And now we're gonna see it explored here in the movie!

(Sabretooth is then attacked by another person shooting laser beams from his eyes that shoot the tree Sabretooth is on, and he's forced to retreat)

Malcolm: (immediately loses his excitement) Or he runs away like a bitch. (goes back to the phone)

NC: Uh, uh...hey, give them time, give them time! They have a lot of other characters to establish!

Malcolm: Establish and ruin.

NC: ...I don't like you. (Malcolm shrugs)

(The two people that drove Sabretooth away take Rogue and the unconscious Wolverine with themselves. We cut to Wolverine awakening without any clothes on his torso. He puts on a hoody and finds himself in the mansion filled with children)

NC (vo): After that quote/unquote "battle", Wolverine has a much more terrifying nightmare to face: waking up without his clothes and being back in school...while also being cast in (poster of...) Australia.

(Wolverine opens the door to a room that is actually Xavier's, where he finishes holding a class)

Xavier: Good morning, Logan.

Kitty Pryde (Sumela Kay): (leaving the room) Bye, Professor.

Xavier: Bye, Kitty.

NC: (as Xavier) I look forward to you being recasted twice.

(Wolverine first meets Jean Grey, Scott Summers/Cyclops (James Marsden) and Ororo Munroe/Storm (Halle Berry))

NC (vo): So Wolverine is introduced to Xavier and the X-Men who saved him: Cyclops, played by James Marsden, and Storm, played by Halle Ber-

(Malcolm bursts into laughing)

Malcolm: What is up...

(As more clips of Storm are shown, it is seen that Berry is wearing a pretty obvious wig of long, white hair)

Malcolm (vo): ...with that wig?!

(Malcolm continues laughing)

Malcolm (vo): It looks awful!

NC: (trying not to pay attention, poker-faced) Doesn't look that bad.

Malcolm (vo; still laughing): She looks like Gothika, Queen of Dragons!

NC: Okay, look here. If you keep laughing like that, you're gonna miss the incredible romance that Rogue has!

Malcolm: (calming down) Oh, like...she meets Gambit?

(After a pause, NC, not looking away, lets out a faint, awkward sound that apparently means Malcolm won't like this. In the film, a student named Bobby Drake, played by Shawn Ashmore, speaks to Rogue at the lesson)

Bobby: I'm Bobby. (He demonstrates his powers, freezing a ball of fire behind one student's back, thus hinting at his future identity)

Malcolm (vo): Iceman is her love interest?!

NC: (hand on cheek) Well, technically, it's...Iceboy.

Malcolm: What the hell?!

(The comic images relating to Rogue and Gambit are shown)

Malcolm (vo): They're one of the coolest couples in comic history, and you totally could have made Gambit a teenager! With how rebellious he is, that would have worked fine!

Malcolm: I thought you were an X-Men fan.

NC: I AM!

Malcolm: Then how are you okay with this?

NC: Look, you weren't there, man! We grew up with Shaq's Steel! Steel! (Beat) STEEL!!

(More of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters that is in Westchester County in New York is shown)

NC (vo): So Xavier shows Logan that he runs a school for young mutants. And admittedly, it is a little weird that Rogue is just immediately tossed in a class. (as Storm) Oh, you're a runaway who just had your life threaten- Get to history class! (as Rogue) Don't you even call my parents- (as Storm) History class!

Bobby: (to Rogue) Welcome to Mutant High.

(Bobby creates an ice replica of a rose for Rogue)

NC: Aw.

NC (vo): It's an ice sculpture of dog shit.

NC: It looks even more realistic when it starts to melt.

(We're shown Cyclops holding a lesson in the garage as Xavier and Wolverine walk across the corridor)

Xavier: But the school is merely our public face. The lower levels, however, are an entirely different matter.

(The X-Jet is shown in an underground location)

NC: (as Xavier) I'm still not sure how I got...

NC (vo; as Xavier): ...government funding for a military aircraft.

NC: (as Xavier) Most public schools can't even afford the races. You know, I think it's the chair. I-I play the pity card pretty high.

(Cut to Senator Kelly and his assistant Henry Gyrich being taken away in a helicopter to the UN summit. However, the person piloting the copter changes the direction)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, looks like Senator Kelly is off to greet more fans, but his helicopter is hijacked by Magneto's goons: a mutant named Toad, played by Ray Park, and a shapeshifter named Mystique, played by Rebecca Romijn.

Malcolm: (deadpan) I assume she's not Rogue's mother?

NC: Why do you ask questions you already know the answer to?

(Gyrich is revealed to be the disguise of another mutant with blue skin, red hair and yellow eyes, who's named Mystique (Rebecca Romijn))

Kelly: (gets scared) PILOT! (Mystique stops him by putting her leg to his face)

NC (vo; as Kelly): My greatest fantasy has terrifyingly come true!

(Mystique knocks Kelly out, as the helicopter heads to the hideout on the uncharted island of Genosha, where Magneto resides)

NC (vo): They take him to Magneto's hideout at the former location of Fyre Festival, where Magneto has plans for him.

Magneto: (speaks to Kelly) Are you a God-fearing man, Senator? It's such a strange phrase.

NC: (as Magneto) I'm a Gods and Monsters fan myself.

(Magneto reveals to Kelly his machine, powered by his magnetic abilities, that generates a field of radiation, inducing mutation in normal humans)

NC (vo): In one of the film's more brilliant additions, Magneto makes a machine that's sort of a gay convergence reversal where a person is transformed into a mutant.

Kelly: What do you intend to do to me?

Magneto: Let's just say, God works too slow.

NC: (as Magneto) I'm going to pray your humanity away.

(Magneto activates the machine, which releases a bright beam around the room)

NC (vo): The only downside...Christ, that is such a boring-looking effect.

NC: If I was to tell you a giant beam encases you and transforms you into something else, you'd be excited to see that.

NC (vo): This just looks like Gozer's fishing net. It's actually making me miss sky portals. (Images of sky portals from Ghostbusters (2016), Fant4stic, and Suicide Squad are shown) Sky portals!

(Cut to Wolverine and Jean Grey speaking with each other in a room)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Wolverine and Jean get to know each other better.

Wolverine: Where is your room?

Jean: With Scott down the hall.

Wolverine: Is that your gift? Putting up with that guy?

NC: (as Wolverine) I mean, he hasn't had a line yet, but the comic says we hate each other.

Jean: I can move things with my mind.

Wolverine: Really? What kinds of things?

(Jean uses her power to shut the door behind Wolverine)

NC (vo; as Jean): I also do amazing things with my thighs. (An image of Xenia Onatopp fighting James Bond from GoldenEye is shown. NC speaks normally) But Logan dares her to read into his mind.

Wolverine: So read my mind.

Jean: I'd rather not.

NC (vo): She refuses...and then immediately does it.

NC: What? Did he mentally convince her and we couldn't hear it?

Wolverine: Read my mind.

Jean: I'd rather not.

NC (vo; as Wolverine, begging): Please, please, please, please, please, please, please!

(Jean reads Wolverine's mind, discovering images of Wolverine being experimented on)

Wolverine: What do you see?

Jean: Scott.

(Wolverine turns around to see Cyclops standing outside the room and watching them)

NC (vo; as Wolverine): Look, I thought of him naked once...oh.

(Jean leaves, as Cyclops still looks at Wolverine)

Wolverine: You gonna tell me to stay away from your girl?

Cyclops: If I had to do that, she wouldn't be my girl.

(Several clips of Wolverine and Cyclops together are shown)

NC (vo): So I guess there is a little development of Cyclops' and Wolverine's feud, but it once again kind of comes out of nowhere and isn't focused on much to feel genuine. (Scenes of Wolverine and Cyclops in the cartoon are shown) In the cartoon, their personalities are so well-defined; one always following the rules, the other breaking them. (Back to the film) But here, we know so little of what Cyclops is like. We just know that he wears Tom Cruise shades, so I guess that instantly makes us hate him.

NC: You know, it's weird that the best rivalry in this superhero movie is between the two old guys (Magneto and Xavier) who rarely see each other!

(That night, Wolverine suffers a nightmare as Rogue tries to wake him up. He does so, but accidentally unleashes his claws and stabs Rogue)

NC (vo): In the middle of the night, Wolverine has a flashback about where he came from. Rogue tries to wake him, but he's...not a morning person.

Wolverine: Somebody help!

(Rogue suddenly uses her power to briefly transfer Wolverine's healing factor into her, causing her to recover from her wounds)

NC (vo): She absorbs his healing power, resulting in her body getting better, and I guess her holes in her PJs, too.

(An image of the stabbed Rogue is shown with a green arrow pointing towards the recovered Rogue and a question mark. Xavier appears and comforts Wolverine)

Wolverine: Is she alright?

Xavier: She'll be alright.

NC (vo; as Xavier): Yeah, you're under arrest for stabbing a student. Oh, wait, I forgot. One Hogwarts rules: Anything flies in this damn school.

(Meanwhile, having been affected by Magneto's machine, Senator Kelly starts developing mutant abilities, using them to escape his cage and escape Magneto's lair. He swims through the ocean and eventually walks up on a beach with no clothes on, witnessed by a large crowd)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, with Kelly's new mutant abilities, he Photoshops himself free and swims to shore. And I gotta say, with all the cool powers you could have given him, British sunbathing is not one of the more impressive ones. (A hot dog vendor, played by Stan Lee, is shown among the crowd) Even Stan Lee here is like... (as Stan Lee) Boy, when I envisioned X-Men as a movie, this is not the imagery that came to mind!

(Back at the school, Mystique sneaks in, disguised as Bobby, and manipulates Rogue into leaving the school)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Mystique disguises herself as Bobby to tell Rogue to take her Fiona Apple wardrobe out of here.

(Wolverine and Storm enter the Danger Room where Cyclops and Xavier are at)

Wolverine: Where is she?

Cyclops: Who?

Xavier: Rogue. She's gone.

NC: (as Xavier) She's gone ro...I almost said it.

(Xavier activates a device called Cerebro to search for Rogue. Several mutants around the world are shown in a black and white and grey color scheme)

NC (vo): Xavier uses a device called Cerebro to psychically locate her. Oh, I do hope this means more pallets of grey! It's not like the X-Men ever had much color in it. (An image of an X-Men comic is shown)

(After Xavier locates Rogue, Wolverine takes a motorbike owned by Cyclops and drives away to Rogue's location)

NC (vo): He locates her, and Wolverine decides to steal Cyclops' bike to find her.

(Wolverine presses a button, causing the motorbike to go extremely fast)

Malcolm: (impressed) Oh, that bike is amazing!

NC: Right?

Malcolm: How many action scenes is it in?

NC: (beat) Well...

Malcolm: (resumes being disappointed and playing on his phone) That's what I thought.

NC: Hey, this is exciting! X-BIKE!

(Wolverine encounters Rogue about to leave on a train)

Wolverine: Hey, kid.

NC (vo; as Wolverine): Get to history class!

Wolverine: What do you say? Give these geeks one more shot?

NC (vo): Wolverine convinces Little Green Riding Hood to come home, while Cyclops and Storm search for her in the train station.

(At the train station, Cyclops notices a little kid next to him looking at him and smiles at him, until the mother walks away with the kids)

Mother: Come along.

NC (vo; as the mother): We don't talk to people with View Master eyes.

(Wolverine and Rogue's train is suddenly attacked by Magneto's powers)

NC (vo): But things heat up when Wolverine and Sabretooth attack.

Malcolm: (eager) All right, so we're finally gonna see Wolverine and Sabretooth go at it.

NC: (unsure) Um...

(Sabretooth is at the train station, confronting Storm and grabbing her by the throat. Magneto is shown confronting Wolverine and Rogue)

Malcolm (vo; disappointed): Sabretooth is going after Storm, and Magneto is going after Wolverine?!

Malcolm: It should be the other way around!

(Images of Storm, Magneto, Wolverine and Sabretooth in the comics are shown)

Malcolm (vo): Magneto and Storm should be tossing things at each other, and Wolverine and Sabretooth should be clawing each other's faces off! (Back to the film) We're halfway through, and the greatest rivalry ever hasn't even been built up at all! Him and Mystique barely even talk. I can see why they're called mutants, because half of them are friggin' MUTE!

NC: You damn kids! With your Marvel movies refusing to fix what's not broken! In my day, Spawn took orders from a Muppet aardvark! (An image of Malebolgia from Spawn is shown) And we liked it! Well...no, we hated it, but we liked hating it!

Malcolm: Tell yourself whatever you want, Tin Man. (Goes back to his phone) I'm going to watch the Avengers: Endgame trailer again.

NC: (mockingly) You know, Mr. Staff isn't in there. Phony movie. (Malcolm looks back on NC) Phony movie!!

(NC sighs in annoyance and calls up somebody. That person is Aunt Despair, who wakes up, upon hearing the ringing, in a dark alley, holding a bat and vodka bottle, with police siren blaring and reflecting. She answers)

Aunt Despair: Hello?

NC: Where are you?

Aunt Despair: Well, where's any of us, really.

(NC shakes his head in confusion, then resumes speaking)

NC: Look, you need to come here and collect your kid! He's an absolute menace!

Aunt Despair: Really? What did he do?

NC: He's not liking the X-Men movie!

(Beat)

Aunt Despair: ...Oh, no.

NC: Oh, yes! You come here and pick him up ASAP!

Aunt Despair: Well, that's gonna be pretty tricky, Critic, because I fell asleep chasing a puppy who swallowed government secrets.

NC: (yells) You pick him up!

Aunt Despair: Fine. God... Just be there at 5:00, I'll come get him.

NC: But...the movie will be over by then.

Aunt Despair: There's more important things than movies, Critic, like finding a cure for an STD that you yourself created.

NC: (sighs) Fine. Just be here at 5:00.

Aunt Despair: Good. Oh, by the way, do you know of anyone who can cure an STD that you ne-

(NC hangs up angrily. Aunt Despair puts the phone away. Suddenly, Uncle Lies runs to his spouse, wearing a lab coat with blood slashed on it and holding a DeWalt screwdriver and an ax)

Uncle Lies: Come, darling! There's so many prostitutes to bring back to life!

(He runs off. Aunt Despair unwillingly stands up. We go to a commercial. After coming back, we return to Magneto confronting Wolverine and Rogue in the train)

NC (vo): So Magneto rips the train apart, as Wolverine tries to stop him.

Magneto: You must be Wolverine.

NC (vo; as Magneto): I'm a giant soup can.

Wolverine: (being lifted in the air by Magneto) What the hell do you want with me?

Magneto: Whoever said l wanted you?

NC: (as Magneto) You're not my type. I prefer redheads. Blue redheads. (A clip of Mystique is shown)

(Magneto pushes Wolverine into a door and tranquilizes Rogue running to Wolverine. She falls down)

NC (vo): It looks like he's after Rogue instead of Wolverine, and he knocks out cold.

Magneto: Young people.

NC: (looks abashed) Always try to run away from needles being thrown at them...what are we lying?

(The police surround Magneto, Sabretooth and Toad in front of the station)

NC (vo): The cops try to stop them, but...

(Magneto lifts two police cars and makes them fall and crush into two other police cars)

NC: (waves hands) That's just awesome.

(Magneto aims the police's guns at them. Suddenly, Sabretooth clutches his throat, being controlled by Xavier sitting in the car somewhere)

NC (vo): He points their own guns at them, but Xavier controls the minds of Sabretooth and Toad to stop him.

Xavier: What do you...

Sabretooth: (saying Xavier's lines via his telepathy) ...want her for?

Magneto: Can't you read my mind? (points to his head)

NC: (as Magneto, singsong) You fowgot my sheilded magic hewmet! (Elmer Fudd from the Merrie Melodies short What's Opera, Doc? is shown with Magneto's helmet edited onto his head)

Magneto: You'll have to kill me, Charles. (makes all the guns aimed at the police click) I don't think I can stop them all.

NC (vo): Uh, hey.

NC: I have a better idea. (clears throat) Why don't you use Sabretooth you're controlling at the moment to take off his helmet, so you can read/control his mind? (After a pause, he slaps himself in the head, smiling; his cap falls off him and even off the couch)

(Xavier stops his control over Sabretooth, and the latter puts Magneto down)

NC (vo): But the friggin' professor can't figure that one out, as he just lets Magneto go. (as Magneto) I thought you lived at a school.

(Magneto, Sabretooth and Toad, who's carrying Rogue in the bag, walk into the helicopter piloted by Mystique and fly away)

NC: (as Xavier, looking up) Just be sure you bring her back in time for history glass! (gives a thumbs up)

(Wolverine doesn't want to give up and prepares to leave the mansion again)

NC (vo): Just as the X-Men are about to go looking for them, they get an unexpected visitor.

(Wolverine opens the door to see the wet and exhaused Kelly)

NC (vo; as Kelly): Can I interest you in Bigot Scout Cookies?

(Kelly falls unconscious and is brought into the labaratory, where Xavier examines him)

NC (vo): Well, well, well. I'm not saying I'm enjoying this. I'm relishing it.

(As Xavier reads Kelly's mind, the quick snippets of Kelly in Magneto's lair are shown)

NC (vo): So Xavier reads his mind to reveal...what we already know, so it's pointless to show again...as Storm tries to comfort Senator Jelly Donut.

(Storm speaks to Kelly on the bed, whose blood vessels have turned blue)

Storm: I'm here.

Kelly: I don't want to be alone.

Storm: All right.

Malcolm: You know, even Storm kind of sucks.

NC: (admitting the remark) Yeah...even back then, I thought that.

NC (vo): I mean, Halle Berry can turn in some great performances, but she's not really an image of commanding strength. You look at Storm and you see a goddess of lightning, a presence that demands authority. This Storm acts like a nervous high school counselor on her first day.

Kelly: Do you hate normal people?

Storm: l suppose...l'm afraid of them.

Malcolm: Can you imagine if one of the guards in Black Panther played that role? (Okoye from this movie is shown)

NC: That would be awesome! But then we wouldn't have Halle Berry's amazing African accent.

Storm: (in various scenes) Logan, you can't do this alone. / Hang on to something. / Then help us. Fight with us. / Where are you going? / ...has brown hair...

Malcolm: Am I allowed to say that sucks?

NC: You are.

Malcolm: It sucks.

NC: Hard.

(Kelly's body rejects his mutation, and his body dissolves into liquid. Xavier attempts to locate Rogue using Cerebro, but Mystique, who was disgused as Bobby, walks in, adding the green liquid into Cerebro before it)

NC (vo): So the senator turns into a melting sperm, as his body rejects the mutation. Xavier tries to use Cerebro to find Rogue, but it looks like Mystique infected the machine using...oh, no! Green goo! That's always bad in movies!