March 6, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo plays, followed by the title theme of this year's theme month: X-Month. This is an animated intro that starts with a big yellow X letter appearing in the sea and exploding. The soundalike of Ron Wasserman's iconic music plays throughout. What follows is a montage of people performing the moves of the titular characters in the first opening of the 1992 show: Nostalgia Critic (Cyclops), Rob/Santa Christ (Wolverine), Hyper Fangirl (Rogue), Aiyanna (Storm, with metal wings deploying out of the jetpack), the Devil (the Beast), Walter (as Gambit, throwing five numbered cards), Heather (as Jubilee, wearing Doe's clothing), Jim/Joker (as Jean Grey, laughing and shooting guns) and Professor Snob (Xavier). The villains' roles are taken by the floating Angry Video Game Nerd, Dino Rob, Jim's Joker, Shyamalan, Devil Boner, Rita Repulsa and Bill. All of them charge towards the heroes while in the background, Chester A. Bum, Barney Walker and Evilina are fleeing in terror)
NC: (yelling) NEEEEEEEEEEERD!!!
(After both groups clash, the X-Month title appears and electricity crackles around it, with Channel Awesome logo in the top right corner and the intro's designers' credits below. Fade in to NC in his room)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And welcome to X-Month!
(Suddenly, he hears the sound of a doorbell ringing, which gets his attention)
NC: (confused) We...don't have a doorbell, so I'd better check that out.
NC: Oh, God, what are you doing here? And how'd you make that doorbell sound?
Aunt Despair: (gesturing towards Uncle Lies) It's one of his many gifts.
(Uncle Lies opens his mouth, making a doorbell sound)
Aunt Despair: So, we trust you remember babysitting (gesturing towards youth) our teenage nephew today?
Uncle Lies: We warned you about it five months ago.
NC: Yeah, but I moved studios, hoping you wouldn't find me.
Uncle Lies: We have eyes everywhere.
(NC notices that his room has a mysterious pair of eyes on the wall, which blink and vanish)
NC: The more I find out about you, the less I somehow know.
Aunt Despair: We don't actually know when we're gonna be done, so best play it by ear.
NC: What, do you have some important stuff to do and you can't drag him along with you?
Uncle Lies: (beat) No.
Aunt Despair: We just don't like spending time with him. (To Malcolm) Is that right, buddy? (Pats him on the back)
Malcolm: I don't care.
NC: Dude, you can't just leave him here indefinitely...
(He suddenly notices that Aunt Despair and Uncle Lies have already left, leaving Malcolm behind with a note on him saying, "Keep away from petroleum". NC sighs, goes to the living room, and sits down on the couch, while Malcolm sits next to him on the floor, still playing on his phone)
NC: So...what do you like?
Malcolm: I don't care.
NC: Is the following routine just gonna be you answering "I don't care" to every question?
Malcolm: I don't care.
NC: (simultaneously) I don't care. Well, if I know modern parenting, just putting a screen in front of you is the best way to raise you. So two screens must be better. (Turns on the TV, which shows the title of X-Men) You just play on your phone while I watch the first X-Men movie.
Malcolm: (breaks out of his bored state upon hearing that) X-Men? You mean, like, the Marvel Comics?
Malcolm: I love Marvel Comics!
NC: Yeah? What do you think about the Marvel movies?
Malcolm: They're amazing! They're, like, the comics come to life!
NC: Oh, my God! Well, you're gonna love this movie, then!
NC: When this film came out, every X-Men fan went nuts!
Malcolm: So this is a really great and faithful Marvel adaptation?
NC: That's what everyone said at the time. And seeing how that was almost 20 years ago, and the landscape for comic book movies has barely changed at all, I think we're both in for a lot of surprises!
(NC and Malcolm both smile in anticipation. The title of the movie is shown again, before showing various clips)
NC (vo): When X-Men came out, there was little faith in it. With the exception of Blade, comic book movies at the time were seen more and more as a big joke. (Posters of Blade, Judge Dredd, Spawn, Tank Girl, Barb Wire, and Batman & Robin are shown) Ever since Batman & Robin left a bad mark in everybody's rubber anuses, comic book flicks were shown very little dignity and even less ticket sales. So when the loud and bombastic, yet still poignant and challenging, X-Men comic was given the big screen treatment, it was not given much of a budget, or even much credibility.
NC: Even the trailer had sort of a...
NC (vo): ...B-movie, SyFy Channel feel to it. It looked pretty corny.
(Several scenes of the film's trailer are shown, before going back to film clips)
NC (vo): But thankfully, the movie didn't suck, which immediately meant it was amazing! Critics praised how they weren't laughing at a comic book film, which, back then, was pretty rare... (The poster for Steel is shown) ...and fans loved seeing a certain amount of dignity...oh, hell, any amount of dignity...given to one of the greatest comic book series ever made.
Malcolm: (now concerned) But isn't that like Doctor Strange where they made the Ancient One into a Celtic woman, or like Iron Man 3 where they made the Mandarin not an alien? It's so annoying when they change stuff like that.
NC: Well, again, I haven't watched it in almost 20 years, but seeing how people look back on it so fondly, it has to be a great adaptation!
Malcolm: (resumes smiling) Man, I'm excited!
NC: So am I. Let's go back to the year 2000 when people really knew how to do comic book movies. This is X-Men.
(After the 20th Century Fox logo ends and fades out, the "X" in the logo briefly flashes)
NC: (giddy) Oooh, the "X" shined! That means they're aware of the title.
(The movie starts)
Xavier: (narrating) Mutation.
NC (vo; as Xavier): The final frontier. (normal) We open on a brief narration, and...wait.
NC: Early 2000s movie. I'm guessing quick, fast, blurry shit?
(The background for the opening credits is the camera moving through the green-filtered visuals of DNAs)
NC: You know, this really was...
NC (vo): ...the cinematic equivalent of upside-down visor. Every time you see it...
NC: ...you're so glad it's dead.
NC (vo): And thus, we open this action-packed comic book superhero movie with... (The first scene of the movie is...the Auschwitz concentration camp in Nazi-occupied Poland in 1944) ...a concentration camp.
NC: (looking uneasy, singing to the tune of the animated show's opening) Na-na-na-na-na, na-na...
(While NC speaks, the following is shown: 12-year-old Erik Lehnsherr is separated from his parents at the camp. Trying to reach them, he causes a set of metal gates to bend towards him as the result of his mutant ability to create magnetic fields and control metal manifesting, only to be knocked out by the guards)
NC (vo): Yeah, it looks like they're going all the way with this, keeping the backstory of classic X-Men villain, Magneto, totally in check. (The cover for the 2009 comic book Magneto Testament is shown) With his parents being killed in the Holocaust, discovering his mutant powers of magnetism at a young age, and creating his hatred for humanity during one of the worst times in humanity's history. At a time when the most recent comic book movie was (poster of...) Mystery Men, this was a ballsy start.
Malcolm: Wow, that really is faithful.
NC: Oh, you bet. Just look at the next scene...
(The movie goes into Meridian, Mississippi, taking place, as the caption says, in "the not-too-distant future". The teenage girl named Marie D'Ancanto, played by Anna Paquin, is speaking to her boyfriend (Shawn Roberts))
NC (vo): ...that takes place in the not-too-distant future... (The snippet of Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme song plays) ...when we're introduced to Rogue, played by Anna Paquin.
Marie: (points at a map) It's only a few hundred miles to Anchorage.
NC: (grinning) Uh-huh.
Malcolm: That's Rogue?
(The images from the comics related to Rogue are shown)
Malcolm (vo): The twenty-something, super strong, confident, one liner-spewing badass...
Malcolm: ...that sucks people's energy?
NC: Uh, close. Now, she's a teenager...
NC (vo): ...who cries a lot, is super-depressed, and can only suck people's energy.
Malcolm: So, not Rogue. (goes back to his phone)
NC: Hey, come on! I mean, Rogue was a tortured character.
Malcolm: Yeah, but she was still cool because she was confident.
(More comic book images and the clips from the animated show continue showing, being related to Rogue's character development)
Malcolm (vo): She had one of the coolest powers. She could never touch anyone without sucking their life away. But she turned that angst into something kick-ass, not taking shit from anyone socially or physically. You could look up to her because, even though you knew she was suffering, she still chose to be positive and full of hope. That's what made her one of the coolest X-Men.
NC: Wha...sure, if you want to be right, but...this character has a lot to look up to!
Malcolm: (scoffs) Like what?
NC: That angsty face...
NC (vo): ...that looks like she's trying not to shit her pants.
(Several clips of Marie looking saddened and concerned are shown with the sound of farting playing over it)
NC: Now that's something I can be inspired by! (Malcolm stares at the smiling NC...who farts) See? She's inspiring me already.
NC (vo): Okay, in all fairness, Rogue's not a bad character here. She still has depth, is acted very well, it's just...not Rogue.
(The US Senator Robert Kelly, played by Bruce Davison, attempts to pass a "Mutant Registration Act" in Congress, which would force mutants to publicly reveal their identities and abilities. The medical doctor Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), opposing him, makes her speech while her mentor, the disabled Professor Charles Xavier, aka Professor X (Patrick Stewart), listens to the discussion in the audience)
NC (vo): As the film continues, though, we get more faithful interpretations, like Charles Xavier, played by Patrick Stewart, Jean Grey, played by Famke Janssen, and Senator Kelly, played by George Costanza's boss. (The brief clip of Davison's character Wyck in Seinfeld is shown)
Kelly: Are mutants dangerous?
NC: (as Kelly) I propose a poem about Susan's death.
NC (vo): This senator thinks the evolution of humans, or mutants, as they're called, are a growing threat because their heightened powers are becoming more frequent.
Kelly: A girl in Illinois who can walk through walls. Now, what's to stop her from walking into a bank vault?
NC: Okay, can anyone really be taken seriously in front of that...
(It is shown that Jean stands in front of this background: the golden mural of the White House surrounded by the sun rays)
NC (vo): ...Willy Wonka Golden Ticket mural?
NC: She's looking like the virgin Onatopp. (The face of one of Janssen's characters, Xenia Onatopp from GoldenEye, is edited into an icon)
(The audience applauds, and Xavier spots a figure in a hat and a cloak. He follows the person, apparently seeing him before. This person is Erik Lehnsherr, now under the name "Magneto", played by Ian McKellen)
NC (vo): But Xavier sees Keyser Söze...oh, I mean, Magneto, walking away. He's played by Ian McKellen.
Xavier: What are you doing here?
Magneto: Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answers?
NC (vo; as Magneto): And which one of us is talking right now? I confuse us both a lot.
Magneto: (points to his head, speaking softly) Are you sneaking around in here, Charles? Whatever are you looking for?
NC: (as Magneto) Well, if you're looking for mental images in my head, take a gander at this!
(He closes his eyes, and for a second, we're shown a fan art of naked Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee lying on a meadow. NC imitates Xavier shuddering)
NC: (as Magneto) There's plenty more gay Middle Earth porn where that came from. (points to head) This baby's loaded with them. I'm goddamn Gandalf!
(Meanwhile, in Mississippi, Marie accidentally puts her boyfriend into a coma upon kissing him (her abilities are absorbing the powers and life out of the others) and runs away in fear. Adopting the name "Rogue", she travels by bus to Northen Alberta in Canada)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Rogue's powers drain the life out of her boyfriend...or he just found out he's signed down to three Resident Evil movies... (Albert Wesker from the mentioned movie series is shown) ...and she leaves her home in the south and runs away to...Northern Alberta? Christ!
NC: To hitchhike that far, you need the thumbs of...
NC (vo): ...Uma Thurman from Even Cowgirls Get the Blues!
(The truck stops at a gas station, and Rogue gets outside to speak to the driver. Fun fact, by the way: the driver is played by George Buza, who voiced Beast in the animated series)
Rogue: l thought you said you were gonna take me as far as Laughlin City.
Driver: This is Laughlin City.
NC: ...What was even her plan?
NC (vo): Take the absolute zilch of money she had and (a shot of Titanic's...) "Jack Dawson" the world on the drawing in a dream?
Malcolm: If she could fly, that'd make more sense.
NC: Yeah, we know what you think.
(Rogue wanders into a bar and observes the local wrestling fight behind the lattice)
NC (vo): Well, maybe this cage fight bar can further her travels.
Ring announcer: In all my years, gentlemen, I've never seen anything like that.
NC (vo; as the ring announcer): He can sing, he can dance, he can host the Oscars, yet somehow, he's still a credible badass!
(The fighter starts kicking his opponent, who is seen from his bare back, down on the ground)
NC: And if you're still disappointed they didn't do Rogue right, check out this introduction!
(The opponent suddenly kicks the fighter's hand with his fist, revealing himself as Logan, aka Wolverine, played by Hugh Jackman. Not paying attention to the audience's cheers, he knocks out the fighter with one headbutt. NC and Malcolm look amazed)
Malcolm: Did I just turn gay?
NC: We all do a little bit.
(The clips of Wolverine in the movie are shown)
NC (vo): From frame one, Hugh Jackman got Wolverine down perfect. It's the same when Michael Keaton was Batman, or Christopher Reeve was Superman. You didn't see an actor portrayal, you saw a childhood hero come to life. Sure, there's no mask or costume, but the overload of adrenaline and testosterone is so heavy, it just turned us into steaks.
(Cut back to NC and Malcolm...literally replaced by two steaks with smiling mouths on them)
Steak Malcolm: I'm a steak.
Steak NC: And that's okay.
NC (vo): He wins the fight, as Rogue hangs around the bar, not exactly knowing what to do.
(Wolverine sits at the bar, with cigar in his mouth)
Wolverine: I'll have a beer.
NC (vo): Yeah, I hear I'm supposed to be teamed up with this Rogue bombshell that has the hots for me and can suck me dry... (Wolverine looks back at Rogue sitting next to him) Oh, God, you're not her, are ya?
Rogue: Look out!
(The fighter from before comes at Wolverine from the back, but the latter realizes this via his senses, grabs the fighter and pulls out his claws from between his knuckles for the first time, threateningly aiming at his throat)
NC (vo): Logan fights off Steve Wilko, but can't help but sense teen angst in the air.
(Driving away in the truck, Wolverine discovers Rogue among the stuff)
Rogue: I'm sorry. l needed a ride. I thought you might help me.
Wolverine: The hell are you doing?
NC (vo; as Wolverine): I mean, you call that a Southern accent? It's not nearly as consistent as my Canadian accent, eh!
(Wolverine eventually allows Rogue to come with him)
NC (vo): He does decide to give her a bit of a break, though, and the two of them seem to form a bond. She even overtime starts to see him as a protective role model.
(We cut to a later scene showing Rogue and Wolverine talking with each other on a train)
Rogue: The first boy I ever kissed ended up in a coma. I can still feel him. And it's the same with you.
Malcolm: Wait a minute. An insecure teen runaway that looks up to Wolverine? That's Jubilee!
(The image from the comic is shown, showing Jubilee hugging Wolverine)
NC: No, it's, uh... (clears throat) ...totally Rogue.
Malcolm: It's Jubilee, man! Now that's two characters I'm never gonna see done right!
NC: No, no, no. They have her in the movies, like, uh...
(Cameo appearances of Jubilee in this movie (student in the class) and the deleted scene of the second one (walking around the museum) are shown, before showing a clip from X-Men: Apocalypse)
NC (vo): ...there, and...there, and...in the 80s somehow! Okay, look, clearly, they want to do like what they did in the cartoon, with the young newcomer being introduced to the team, serving as the audience.
Malcolm (vo): But it's Wolverine who's focused on when the X-Men are introduced.
NC: Wha...that's not...but...yeah. But at the same time, she has a more tragic power! She can't touch anything! What a great metaphor for teen angst!
Malcolm: So...change the power, not the character!
Malcolm (vo): They could have replaced her with Jubilee and made her powers blow up everything she touches, so she still couldn't make contact with anybody. In fact, Kitty Pryde has a cameo in this, and she's a teenager that can disappear through walls. Not being seen is a far better metaphor for teen angst. You could have done either of those faithfully and then save Rogue for another movie, where she can be older, badass, and fly.
NC: (points sternly at Malcolm) I...no, you listen here, young man! I will not have you badmouth what me and my college friends chose to ignore!
Malcolm: Whatever. (takes out phone) I'm gonna go back to playing Tinder Fortnite.
NC: (stutters) Wait! You're gonna miss one of the greatest rivalries ever!
NC (vo): You see, after a tree falls in front of them...
(Suddenly, a large tree falls on the way of the truck, making it smash into it. Wolverine falls through the glass and slides on the ground while the famous Goofy Holler is heard. Wolverine stands up and sniffs)
NC (vo): ...he suddenly smells spirit gum in the air.
(The large half-human, half-wolf creature attacks Wolverine, and it's Victor Creed/Sabretooth, played by Tyler Mane)
Malcolm: (gets excited) Whoa, is that Sabretooth?
NC: Damn right, that's Sabretooth!
(The images relating to Wolverine and Sabretooth in various media are shown)
NC (vo): One of the greatest rivalries of all time is Wolverine and Sabretooth. It's been going on for years in the comics, cartoons, games; it's a classic feud.
NC: And now we're gonna see it explored here in the movie!
(Sabretooth is then attacked by another person shooting laser beams from his eyes that shoot the tree Sabretooth is on, and he's forced to retreat)
Malcolm: (immediately loses his excitement) Or he runs away like a bitch. (goes back to the phone)
NC: Uh, uh...hey, give them time, give them time! They have a lot of other characters to establish!
Malcolm: Establish and ruin.
NC: ...I don't like you. (Malcolm shrugs)
(The two people that drove Sabretooth away take Rogue and the unconscious Wolverine with themselves. We cut to Wolverine awakening without any clothes on his torso. He puts on a hoody and finds himself in the mansion filled with children)
NC (vo): After that quote/unquote "battle", Wolverine has a much more terrifying nightmare to face: waking up without his clothes and being back in school...while also being cast in (poster of...) Australia.
(Wolverine opens the door to a room that is actually Xavier's, where he finishes holding a class)
Xavier: Good morning, Logan.
Kitty Pryde (Sumela Kay): (leaving the room) Bye, Professor.
Xavier: Bye, Kitty.
NC: (as Xavier) I look forward to you being recasted twice.
(Wolverine first meets Jean Grey, Scott Summers/Cyclops (James Marsden) and Ororo Munroe/Storm (Halle Berry))
NC (vo): So Wolverine is introduced to Xavier and the X-Men who saved him: Cyclops, played by James Marsden, and Storm, played by Halle Ber-
(Malcolm bursts into laughing)
Malcolm: What is up...
(As more clips of Storm are shown, it is seen that Berry is wearing a pretty obvious wig of long, white hair)
Malcolm (vo): ...with that wig?!
(Malcolm continues laughing)
Malcolm (vo): It looks awful!
NC: (trying not to pay attention, poker-faced) Doesn't look that bad.
Malcolm (vo; still laughing): She looks like Gothika, Queen of Dragons!
NC: Okay, look here. If you keep laughing like that, you're gonna miss the incredible romance that Rogue has!
Malcolm: (calming down) Oh, like...she meets Gambit?
(After a pause, NC, not looking away, lets out a faint, awkward sound that apparently means Malcolm won't like this. In the film, a student named Bobby Drake, played by Shawn Ashmore, speaks to Rogue at the lesson)
Bobby: I'm Bobby. (He demonstrates his powers, freezing a ball of fire behind one student's back, thus hinting at his future identity)
Malcolm (vo): Iceman is her love interest?!
NC: (hand on cheek) Well, technically, it's...Iceboy.
Malcolm: What the hell?!
(The comic images relating to Rogue and Gambit are shown)
Malcolm (vo): They're one of the coolest couples in comic history, and you totally could have made Gambit a teenager! With how rebellious he is, that would have worked fine!
Malcolm: I thought you were an X-Men fan.
NC: I AM!
Malcolm: Then how are you okay with this?
NC: Look, you weren't there, man! We grew up with Shaq's Steel! Steel! (Beat) STEEL!!
(More of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters that is in Westchester County in New York is shown)
NC (vo): So Xavier shows Logan that he runs a school for young mutants. And admittedly, it is a little weird that Rogue is just immediately tossed in a class. (as Storm) Oh, you're a runaway who just had your life threaten- Get to history class! (as Rogue) Don't you even call my parents- (as Storm) History class!
Bobby: (to Rogue) Welcome to Mutant High.
(Bobby creates an ice replica of a rose for Rogue)
NC (vo): It's an ice sculpture of dog shit.
NC: It looks even more realistic when it starts to melt.
(We're shown Cyclops holding a lesson in the garage as Xavier and Wolverine walk across the corridor)
Xavier: But the school is merely our public face. The lower levels, however, are an entirely different matter.
(The X-Jet is shown in an underground location)
NC: (as Xavier) I'm still not sure how I got...
NC (vo; as Xavier): ...government funding for a military aircraft.
NC: (as Xavier) Most public schools can't even afford the races. You know, I think it's the chair. I-I play the pity card pretty high.
(Cut to Senator Kelly and his assistant Henry Gyrich being taken away in a helicopter to the UN summit. However, the person piloting the copter changes the direction)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, looks like Senator Kelly is off to greet more fans, but his helicopter is hijacked by Magneto's goons: a mutant named Toad, played by Ray Park, and a shapeshifter named Mystique, played by Rebecca Romijn.
Malcolm: (deadpan) I assume she's not Rogue's mother?
NC: Why do you ask questions you already know the answer to?
(Gyrich is revealed to be the disguise of another mutant with blue skin, red hair and yellow eyes, who's named Mystique (Rebecca Romijn))
Kelly: (gets scared) PILOT! (Mystique stops him by putting her leg to his face)
NC (vo; as Kelly): My greatest fantasy has terrifyingly come true!
(Mystique knocks Kelly out, as the helicopter heads to the hideout on the uncharted island of Genosha, where Magneto resides)
NC (vo): They take him to Magneto's hideout at the former location of Fyre Festival, where Magneto has plans for him.
Magneto: (speaks to Kelly) Are you a God-fearing man, Senator? It's such a strange phrase.
NC: (as Magneto) I'm a Gods and Monsters fan myself.
(Magneto reveals to Kelly his machine, powered by his magnetic abilities, that generates a field of radiation, inducing mutation in normal humans)
NC (vo): In one of the film's more brilliant additions, Magneto makes a machine that's sort of a gay convergence reversal where a person is transformed into a mutant.
Kelly: What do you intend to do to me?
Magneto: Let's just say, God works too slow.
NC: (as Magneto) I'm going to pray your humanity away.
(Magneto activates the machine, which releases a bright beam around the room)
NC (vo): The only downside...Christ, that is such a boring-looking effect.
NC: If I was to tell you a giant beam encases you and transforms you into something else, you'd be excited to see that.
(Cut to Wolverine and Jean Grey speaking with each other in a room)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Wolverine and Jean get to know each other better.
Wolverine: Where is your room?
Jean: With Scott down the hall.
Wolverine: Is that your gift? Putting up with that guy?
NC: (as Wolverine) I mean, he hasn't had a line yet, but the comic says we hate each other.
Jean: I can move things with my mind.
Wolverine: Really? What kinds of things?
(Jean uses her power to shut the door behind Wolverine)
NC (vo; as Jean): I also do amazing things with my thighs. (An image of Xenia Onatopp fighting James Bond from GoldenEye is shown. NC speaks normally) But Logan dares her to read into his mind.
Wolverine: So read my mind.
Jean: I'd rather not.
NC (vo): She refuses...and then immediately does it.
NC: What? Did he mentally convince her and we couldn't hear it?
Wolverine: Read my mind.
Jean: I'd rather not.
NC (vo; as Wolverine, begging): Please, please, please, please, please, please, please!
(Jean reads Wolverine's mind, discovering images of Wolverine being experimented on)
Wolverine: What do you see?
(Wolverine turns around to see Cyclops standing outside the room and watching them)
NC (vo; as Wolverine): Look, I thought of him naked once...oh.
(Jean leaves, as Cyclops still looks at Wolverine)
Wolverine: You gonna tell me to stay away from your girl?
Cyclops: If I had to do that, she wouldn't be my girl.
(Several clips of Wolverine and Cyclops together are shown)
NC (vo): So I guess there is a little development of Cyclops' and Wolverine's feud, but it once again kind of comes out of nowhere and isn't focused on much to feel genuine. (Scenes of Wolverine and Cyclops in the cartoon are shown) In the cartoon, their personalities are so well-defined; one always following the rules, the other breaking them. (Back to the film) But here, we know so little of what Cyclops is like. We just know that he wears Tom Cruise shades, so I guess that instantly makes us hate him.
NC: You know, it's weird that the best rivalry in this superhero movie is between the two old guys (Magneto and Xavier) who rarely see each other!
(That night, Wolverine suffers a nightmare as Rogue tries to wake him up. He does so, but accidentally unleashes his claws and stabs Rogue)
NC (vo): In the middle of the night, Wolverine has a flashback about where he came from. Rogue tries to wake him, but he's...not a morning person.
Wolverine: Somebody help!
(Rogue suddenly uses her power to briefly transfer Wolverine's healing factor into her, causing her to recover from her wounds)
NC (vo): She absorbs his healing power, resulting in her body getting better, and I guess her holes in her PJs, too.
(An image of the stabbed Rogue is shown with a green arrow pointing towards the recovered Rogue and a question mark. Xavier appears and comforts Wolverine)
Wolverine: Is she alright?
Xavier: She'll be alright.
NC (vo; as Xavier): Yeah, you're under arrest for stabbing a student. Oh, wait, I forgot. One Hogwarts rules: Anything flies in this damn school.
(Meanwhile, having been affected by Magneto's machine, Senator Kelly starts developing mutant abilities, using them to escape his cage and escape Magneto's lair. He swims through the ocean and eventually walks up on a beach with no clothes on, witnessed by a large crowd)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, with Kelly's new mutant abilities, he Photoshops himself free and swims to shore. And I gotta say, with all the cool powers you could have given him, British sunbathing is not one of the more impressive ones. (A hot dog vendor, played by Stan Lee, is shown among the crowd) Even Stan Lee here is like... (as Stan Lee) Boy, when I envisioned X-Men as a movie, this is not the imagery that came to mind!
(Back at the school, Mystique sneaks in, disguised as Bobby, and manipulates Rogue into leaving the school)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Mystique disguises herself as Bobby to tell Rogue to take her Fiona Apple wardrobe out of here.
(Wolverine and Storm enter the Danger Room where Cyclops and Xavier are at)
Wolverine: Where is she?
Xavier: Rogue. She's gone.
NC: (as Xavier) She's gone ro...I almost said it.
(Xavier activates a device called Cerebro to search for Rogue. Several mutants around the world are shown in a black and white and grey color scheme)
NC (vo): Xavier uses a device called Cerebro to psychically locate her. Oh, I do hope this means more pallets of grey! It's not like the X-Men ever had much color in it. (An image of an X-Men comic is shown)
(After Xavier locates Rogue, Wolverine takes a motorbike owned by Cyclops and drives away to Rogue's location)
NC (vo): He locates her, and Wolverine decides to steal Cyclops' bike to find her.
(Wolverine presses a button, causing the motorbike to go extremely fast)
Malcolm: (impressed) Oh, that bike is amazing!
Malcolm: How many action scenes is it in?
NC: (beat) Well...
Malcolm: (resumes being disappointed and playing on his phone) That's what I thought.
NC: Hey, this is exciting! X-BIKE!
(Wolverine encounters Rogue about to leave on a train)
Wolverine: Hey, kid.
NC (vo; as Wolverine): Get to history class!
Wolverine: What do you say? Give these geeks one more shot?
NC (vo): Wolverine convinces Little Green Riding Hood to come home, while Cyclops and Storm search for her in the train station.
(At the train station, Cyclops notices a little kid next to him looking at him and smiles at him, until the mother walks away with the kids)
Mother: Come along, now. I told you not to...
NC (vo; as the mother): We don't talk to people with View Master eyes.
(Wolverine and Rogue's train is suddenly attacked by Magneto's powers)
NC (vo): But things heat up when Magneto and Sabretooth attack.
Malcolm: (eager) All right, so we're finally gonna see Wolverine and Sabretooth go at it.
NC: (unsure) Um...
(Sabretooth is at the train station, confronting Storm and grabbing her by the throat. Magneto is shown confronting Wolverine and Rogue)
Malcolm (vo; disappointed): Sabretooth is going after Storm, and Magneto is going after Wolverine?!
Malcolm: It should be the other way around!
(Images of Storm, Magneto, Wolverine and Sabretooth in the comics are shown)
Malcolm (vo): Magneto and Storm should be tossing things at each other, and Wolverine and Sabretooth should be clawing each other's faces off! (Back to the film) We're halfway through, and the greatest rivalry ever hasn't even been built up at all! Him and Mystique barely even talk. I can see why they're called mutants, because half of them are friggin' MUTE!
NC: You damn kids! With your Marvel movies refusing to fix what's not broken! In my day, Spawn took orders from a Muppet aardvark! (An image of Malebolgia from Spawn is shown) And we liked it! Well...no, we hated it, but we liked hating it!
Malcolm: Tell yourself whatever you want to, Man. (Goes back to his phone) I'm going to watch the Avengers: Endgame trailer again.
NC: (mockingly) You know, Mistress Death isn't in there. Phony movie. (Malcolm looks back on NC) Phony movie!!
(NC sighs in annoyance and calls up somebody. That person is Aunt Despair, who wakes up, upon hearing the ringing, in a dark alley, holding a bat and vodka bottle, with police siren blaring and reflecting. She answers)
Aunt Despair: Hello?
NC: Where are you?
Aunt Despair: Well, where's any of us, really.
(NC shakes his head in confusion, then resumes speaking)
NC: Look, you need to come here and collect your kid! He's an absolute menace!
Aunt Despair: Really? What did he do?
NC: He's not liking the X-Men movie!
Aunt Despair: ...Oh, no.
NC: Oh, yes! You come here and pick him up ASAP!
Aunt Despair: Well, that's gonna be pretty tricky, Critic, because I fell asleep chasing a puppy who swallowed government secrets.
NC: (yells) You pick him up!
Aunt Despair: Fine. God... Just be there at 5:00, I'll come get him.
NC: But...the movie will be over by then.
Aunt Despair: There's more important things than movies, Critic, like finding a cure for an STD that you yourself created.
NC: (sighs) Fine. Just be here at 5:00.
Aunt Despair: Good. Oh, by the way, do you know of anyone who can cure an STD that you ne-
(NC hangs up angrily. Aunt Despair puts the phone away. Suddenly, Uncle Lies runs to his spouse, wearing a lab coat with blood slashed on it and holding a DeWalt screwdriver and an ax)
Uncle Lies: Come, darling! There's so many prostitutes to bring back to life!
(He runs off. Aunt Despair unwillingly stands up. We go to a commercial. After coming back, we return to Magneto confronting Wolverine and Rogue in the train)
NC (vo): So Magneto rips the train apart, as Wolverine tries to stop him.
Magneto: You must be Wolverine.
NC (vo; as Magneto): I'm a giant soup can.
Wolverine: (being lifted in the air by Magneto) What the hell do you want with me?
Magneto: Whoever said l wanted you?
NC: (as Magneto) You're not my type. I prefer redheads. Blue redheads. (A clip of Mystique is shown)
(Magneto pushes Wolverine into a door and tranquilizes Rogue running to Wolverine. She falls down)
NC (vo): It looks like he's after Rogue instead of Wolverine, and he knocks her out cold.
Magneto: Young people.
NC: (looks abashed) Always trying to run away from needles being thrown at them...what are we lying?
(The police surround Magneto, Sabretooth and Toad in front of the station)
NC (vo): The cops try to stop them, but...
(Magneto lifts two police cars and makes them fall and crush into two other police cars)
NC: (waves hands) That's just awesome.
(Magneto aims the police's guns at them. Suddenly, Sabretooth clutches his throat, being controlled by Xavier sitting in the car somewhere)
NC (vo): He points their own guns at them, but Xavier controls the minds of Sabretooth and Toad to stop him.
Xavier: What do you...
Sabretooth: (saying Xavier's lines via his telepathy) ...want her for?
Magneto: Can't you read my mind? (points to his head)
NC: (as Magneto, singsong) You fowgot my sheilded magic hewmet! (Elmer Fudd from the Merrie Melodies short What's Opera, Doc? is shown with Magneto's helmet edited onto his head)
Magneto: You'll have to kill me, Charles. (makes all the guns aimed at the police click) I don't think I can stop them all.
NC (vo): Uh, hey.
NC: I have a better idea. (clears throat) Why don't you use Sabretooth you're controlling at the moment to take off his helmet, so you can read/control his mind? (After a pause, he slaps himself in the head, smiling; his cap falls off him and even off the couch)
(Xavier stops his control over Sabretooth, and the latter puts Magneto down)
NC (vo): But the friggin' professor can't figure that one out, as he just lets Magneto go. (as Magneto) I thought you lived at a school.
(Magneto, Sabretooth and Toad, who's carrying Rogue in the bag, walk into the helicopter piloted by Mystique and fly away)
NC: (as Xavier, looking up) Just be sure you bring her back in time for history glass! (gives a thumbs up)
(Wolverine doesn't want to give up and prepares to leave the mansion again)
NC (vo): Just as the X-Men are about to go looking for them, they get an unexpected visitor.
(Wolverine opens the door to see the wet and exhausted Kelly)
NC (vo; as Kelly): Can I interest you in Bigot Scout Cookies?
(Kelly falls unconscious and is brought into the laboratory, where Xavier examines him)
NC (vo): Well, well, well. I'm not saying I'm enjoying this. I'm relishing it.
(As Xavier reads Kelly's mind, the quick snippets of Kelly in Magneto's lair are shown, revealing his machine)
NC (vo): So Xavier reads his mind to reveal...what we already know, so it's pointless to show again...as Storm tries to comfort Senator Jelly Donut.
(Storm speaks to Kelly on the bed, whose blood vessels have turned blue)
Storm: I'm here.
Kelly: I don't want to be alone.
Storm: All right.
Malcolm: You know, even Storm kind of sucks.
NC: (admitting the remark) Yeah...even back then, I thought that.
NC (vo): I mean, Halle Berry can turn in some great performances, but she's not really an image of commanding strength. You look at Storm and you see a goddess of lightning, a presence that demands authority. This Storm acts like a nervous high school counselor on her first day.
Kelly: Do you hate normal people?
Storm: l suppose...I'm afraid of them.
Malcolm: Can you imagine if one of the guards in Black Panther played that role? (Okoye from this movie is shown)
NC: That would be awesome! But then we wouldn't have Halle Berry's amazing African accent.
Storm: (in various scenes) Logan, you can't do this alone. / Hang on to something. / Then help us. Fight with us. / Where are you going? / ...has brown hair...
Malcolm: Am I allowed to say that sucks?
NC: You are.
Malcolm: It sucks.
(Kelly's body rejects his mutation, and his body dissolves into liquid. Xavier attempts to locate Rogue using Cerebro, but Mystique, who was disguised as Bobby, walks in, adding the green liquid into Cerebro before it)
NC (vo): So the senator turns into a melting sperm, as his body rejects the mutation. Xavier tries to use Cerebro to find Rogue, but it looks like Mystique infected the machine using...oh, no! Green goo! (Images from Troll 2, Prince of Darkness and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze are shown) That's always bad in movies!
(Cerebro is incapacitated, which affects Xavier, who falls into a coma)
NC (vo): Xavier is knocked out, and after...let's see...two sentences of Cyclops talking to Xavier in the entire movie, we suddenly get a monologue about how close they are.
Cyclops: (to Xavier in the lab) You can still hear me...can't you? You've taught me everything in my life that was ever worth knowing. And if anything happens...I'll take care of them.
(Cut to Jean walking into Cerebro)
NC: Aw. They cut away before he sang to him.
Prince Edward: (singing; audio from Enchanted) I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss...
(As Jean uses Cerebro to find them, we cut to Magneto, Sabretooth, Mystique and Toad holding Rogue captive as they ride their machine to the Statue of Liberty)
NC (vo): But Jean uses Cerebro to locate them, as Magneto readies his... (Magneto's machine is shown covered in a cloth, almost looking like a large grenade) Oh, God, G.I. Joe bomb? Batteries aren't included!
Magneto: (looking at the Statue of Liberty) Magnificent, isn't she?
Rogue: Are you going to kill me?
Magneto: (turns to face Rogue) Yes.
NC: (surprised) Wow. He just said it. You don't see that happen in movies.
NC (vo): His bedside manner is on par with Arnold from True Lies.
Rogue: Are you going to kill me?
Harry (from True Lies; dubbed over Magneto): Yep.
(Back at the X-Mansion, Wolverine, Cyclops, Storm and Jean look at Magneto's whereabouts on a needle map)
Cyclops: Magneto is here, Liberty Island. The objective is to mutate the world leaders at the UN Summit on Ellis Island.
NC: You know, for the not-too-distant future, maps are becoming very impractically stupid. (Laughs) Wait! I'm gonna put my face on it. (Bangs his head on something) You see? (An image of the needle map is shown with NC's face Photoshopped on it) You see? You see the funny face I made? You see? Maps!
Wolverine: What about Harbor Patrol? Radar?
Cyclops: If they have anything, they can pick up our jet, they deserve to catch us.
NC: Or...you could let them know there's a mutant terrorist at the Statue of Liberty. (Beat) Yeah, why are they doing this alone?
NC (vo): I mean, I know there's prejudice, but if you just say a mutant is about to wipe out the world's leaders, I think some military would get there pretty quick. (The X-Men, all dressed in black clothes, leave on Xavier's jet to save the day, as the mutant kids inside the mansion watch) Maybe then, you can fight him with a ton of backup and not leave an entire school unmanaged without an adult!
NC: Oh, it's okay. Every kid is just a nuclear time bomb, not always aware how not to explode!
Wolverine: (looks at his black clothing) You actually go outside in these things?
Cyclops: What would you prefer? Yellow spandex?
NC: (as Wolverine) Next, you'll be telling me in another Marvel film, a raccoon will be firing a machine gun. (An image of Rocket Raccoon is shown) Ha! Yellow spandex.
(The sequence of the X-Jet leaving the school is shown)
NC (vo): Gotta love the sick architect who designed this. The giant jet comes out of the friggin' basketball court. They don't give a SHIT about the children's safety!
NC: Imagine some kids just wanted to play midnight basketball!
(Cut to a skit showing two kids (Tamara and Walter) dressed in basketball outfits approaching the basketball court)
Tamara: I'm gonna whup your ass good, Billy!
Walter (Billy): Nah, you're the one that's going down, Gil...
(The kids suddenly scream and fall, as the X-Jet comes out of the opening court)
Malcolm: Hey, you're finding more things wrong with the movie, huh?
NC: Well...maybe when I see what kids grew up with comic book movies today and how much more faithful they are, I...feel a little jealous about what we got.
NC (vo): I mean, yellow spandex? No. That wouldn't work in this more realistic world you created. But then neither do all these plotholes that were originally designed for a bombastic comic universe instead of a down-to-Earth one. Yellow spandex would work in Watchmen, in Avengers, and eventually even in later X-Men movies! (Posters of Watchmen, Avengers: Infinity War, and X-Men: First Class are shown) I'm realizing more and more what they chose to take out and leave in doesn't always match the style and tone they created for this universe.
Malcolm: (starting to be understanding of the film for the first time) Well, I'm sure that's what they could do at the time.
NC: (starting to become critical like Malcolm) But why didn't they just go all-out? Why didn't they make a comic book movie? We all know we're gonna see a comic book movie, so why didn't they make a comic book movie? We knew what we were in for!
Malcolm: It-it looks like some good action's coming up.
NC: (waving his hand in dismissal) Ah, who cares?
Malcolm: No, no, no! Look, look. Let's see.
(Magneto and Sabretooth are shown setting up their plan)
NC (vo): So Magneto gets ready to transfer his power to Rogue so he can use the device to transform everybody into a mutant, draining all the life out of her.
Magneto: Once I give my power to the girl, I'll be temporarily weakened.
NC: Aren't all men? That's why we leave immediately afterwards.
(The X-Jet lands in the middle of the water in a rough landing)
NC (vo): The Blackbird lands, I guess, not so elegantly.
Wolverine: You call that a landing?
NC: You call that a punchline?
(As the X-Men walk around the Statue of Liberty's building, they are confronted by Mystique, who was in disguise as a small Statue of Liberty mannequin)
NC (vo): Thankfully, Mystique went to mime school, as she stands ridiculously still as they walk past her, and then she takes on Logan's form to attack.
(Mystique, disguised as Wolverine, attacks the real Wolverine, dragging him into another room. Mystique blows a sarcastic smooch at Wolverine)
NC: (chuckles) They just recreated what Hugh Jackman does in the mirror every morning.
(As Wolverine fights Mystique, Cyclops, Jean and Storm do battle with Toad)
NC (vo): So this fight scene is a...little odd. On the one hand, the battle between Mystique and Logan is actually pretty cool and creative. Though I didn't know Spider-Manning up the walls was one of her powers. (A shot of Mystique climbing up the walls is shown) However, the X-Men battling Toad seems a little weak because...well, it's the X-Men battling Toad. Who gives a shit? How could they not take this guy out in a millisecond? (Toad uses his tongue to throw Storm into an upper level of the room) Look at this. Storm can control the weather, the friggin' weather, master of the elements! What does she do?
(As Toad attempts to get to the upper level where Storm is, Storm attempts to walk away)
NC (vo; as Storm): I'm gonna go for a stroll. I'll take my time to admire the architecture and... (Toad appears in front of Storm as she raises her hand up) Oh, no! Face my hand, politely gesturing you to stop! (Toad knocks her to the ground)
NC: (as Storm) I politely gestured!
NC (vo): They're so pathetic, he (Toad) even has time to do a little dance!
(As Toad faces Jean, he suddenly does a mocking little dance in front of her, then snaps right back into a serious offensive stance)
NC: (bewildered) What the hell even was that?
(The scene of Toad dancing is shown again, but with the song from the cartoon I Love to Singa (1936) played over it)
Owl Jolson: (audio; singing) I love to sing-a, about the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a.
(From the elevator, a fully-powered Storm rises up, lightning flashes all around her)
NC: Of course! The natural energy of an elevator shaft obviously brings her powers to life!
(Storm uses her powers to blow Toad outside the statue, where he attempts to hold on by latching his tongue onto a support beam)
Storm: Do you know what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else.
(One lightning bolt strikes Toad on the tongue, electrocuting him and causing him to lose his grip and fall into the river)
NC (vo; as Toad): Oh, my God! I'm dying on that?! I said lines from George Lucas that had more charm! LUCAS!!
(Storm approaches Wolverine, who is still looking for Mystique)
Storm: Come on, we have to regroup.
Wolverine: The other one ain't far away.
NC: Well, gee, seeing how these two characters haven't been together for a while, I wonder if one of them...
(Wolverine suddenly stabs Storm on the chest)
Wolverine: You're not part of the group.
NC: (as Wolverine) At least I...really hope so. (The stabbed Storm is revealed to be Mystique in disguise, as she falls unconscious) Okay, we're good.
(The X-Men regroup and make it to the top of the statue, only to be incapacitated and captured by Magneto)
NC (vo): They make it to the Statue, but Magneto uses his powers to make them act backwards and captures them. (Upon hearing Rogue's cries for help, Wolverine unleashes his claws and impales himself, but freeing himself at the same time, before Sabretooth confronts him, and they begin to fight) Wolverine uses his claws to break free, though, and we have the, uh... (Clears throat) ...most epically built-up fight ever.
(Wolverine and Sabretooth fight on the top of the Statue, as fireworks erupt in the background. NC is completely devoid of any eagerness watching this fight)
NC: You know, it's not even like you even needed that much between them. Just...an occasional line here or there? An angry glare? You know, like in Waterworld or Die Hard or Total Recall. (Images of henchmen from those three mentioned films are shown) Just a little interaction to build up the hatred between them. And we get none of that.
(The scene of Wolverine and Sabretooth's fight continues to be shown)
NC (vo): One of the coolest comic book rivalries ever reduced down to just two guys hitting each other. Big friggin' whoop.
Malcolm: Oh, come on. The fight's not that bad.
NC: Eh. Even that's kind of lame.
NC (vo): It's a battle on top of the Statue of friggin' Liberty, yet it looks like a stage set from the movie Chicago. I mean, look at this dated-ass effect.
(Shown through CGI visuals, we see Wolverine save himself from falling by using his claws to grab a pillar, before he, non-CGI, gets back up and faces Sabretooth again)
NC: Why, wherever did this switch from...
NC (vo): ...CGI to live-action happen? I simply cannot tell! (The climax from Saboteur is shown) Hitchcock did a fight on the Statue of Liberty decades earlier, and not only did it feel more grand in scale, but somehow, it felt like it had more color than the actual color movie did!
Malcolm: But look! He says "bub", just like in the comics.
Wolverine: (to Sabretooth) Hey, bub, I'm not finished with you yet.
NC: (reluctantly accepting) Yeah, I guess that's cool. (Malcolm smiles)
(A shot of Wolverine hanging on the Statue is briefly shown)
NC (vo): Though why does it look like the Statue of Liberty has a Wolverine earring?
(After defeating Sabretooth, Jean and Storm lift Wolverine up to where Magneto and Rogue are, just as Magneto activates his machine again with Rogue connected to it)
NC (vo): And look. After Storm warp-whistles him to the top, we still have to see that radioactive egg drop super-effect almost consume the city.
Malcolm: But it ends on a nice note. Look!
(After Cyclops defeats Magneto and Wolverine destroys the machine, he transfers his powers to Rogue and his healing abilities rejuvenate her, while incapacitating himself)
Malcolm (vo): A figurative and literal touching scene where Logan gives his power to save Rogue.
NC (vo; as Wolverine): Come on, kid. You don't want to miss history class.
Malcolm (vo): But look, it's nice. It almost kills him, so he was willing to sacrifice himself for her.
NC (vo): I guess. (Several past scenes of Wolverine getting hurt and knocked unconscious are shown) Actually, Jesus, this poor guy spends half the movie friggin' passed out.
NC: Narcoleptics have their eyes more open than him.
(A defeated Magneto and Mystique are shown, with Mystique taking on the form of a security guard to hide herself)
NC (vo): So Magneto is arrested, and Mystique somehow survives three knives to the chest...
NC: Yeah, nobody dies in these movies, and somehow, everybody dies in these movies.
(In the mansion, Cyclops and Jean watch the TV report about the attack, where they see...Senator Kelly answering the questions of the reporters on the way to his car. Upon pausing the recording, they see the yellow eyes and figure out this is actually Mystique)
NC (vo): ...and she takes over the identity of Senator Kelly.
Cyclops: Son of a bitch.
NC: Okay, if that eye thing was on screen for a frame and they paused it at just the right moment, I could see maybe people not catching on to it. But look how long it goes after.
(After Jean resumes the TV playing, Mystique's yellow eyes are shown for at least one more second)
Reporter: ...from many parents' rights groups...
NC: How did everybody miss that?!
NC (vo; as the reporter): Uh, Senator, these concerns you're turning into Jar Jar Binks... (as Mystique/Kelly) That's absurd. Oh, I mean, uh... (imitates Binks) At least mesa not a mutant! Ha-ha-ha! (as the reporter) Actually, Binks is worse. (as Mystique/Kelly, normally) Okay, got it.
(Xavier gives Wolverine a lead to his past at an abandoned military installation in Canada)
NC (vo): Everyone manages to heal up, and Xavier gives Logan the location of where he might find some answers about his past. So he's off, but not before saying goodbye to Rogue.
(Rogue meets Wolverine at the exit. Wolverine strokes her white сurls of hair)
Rogue: I kind of like it.
NC: (as Rogue, smiling) It reminds me of how I almost died.
Rogue: I don't want you to go.
(Wolverine gives Rogue the pendant she gave to him earlier)
Wolverine: I'll be back for this.
NC (vo; as Wolverine): Nah, I gotta take a leak and I hate wearing it in the bathroom. Just hold on to it before I leave you forever.
(Wolverine rides away in the bike. We cut to Xavier playing chess with Magneto at the place of his imprisonment)
NC (vo): Finally, we see the only real rivals in this movie sequel-beat the hell out of this series.
Magneto: Doesn't it ever wake you in the night, the feeling that someday they will pass that foolish law and come for you?
NC: (as Xavier) Well, it's American politics and nothing ever gets accomplished, so probably not.
Magneto: The war is still coming, Charles. And I intend to fight it.
Xavier: And l will always be there...old friend.
NC: (as Xavier) Unless I die a couple times and/or wipe out all mutants off the face of the Earth, but, you know, these movies are pretty consistent. I can't see that happening.
(It is revealed that Magneto is held in the cubic cell, which Charles exits via the plastic tube. The movie ends)
NC (vo): They exit via giant condom, and, I guess, the most authentic X-Men movie has finally wrapped up.
NC: (sighs in disappointment, speaks to Malcolm) Wow. You know, you were totally right. When you compare it to comic book movies today, this isn't nearly as impressive as I remember it.
Malcolm: Well...it's okay.
NC: (scoffs) Yeah? How?
(The clips from the film are shown once more as NC states his final thoughts on it)
NC (vo): As an adaptation, it doesn't have the color, imagination, or depth of characters. As a standalone movie, it's kind of bland, with a ton of plotholes. Apparently, there was 15 minutes cut from it, and it really shows. It just kind of feels like we go from scene to scene with no big emotional impact ever being made.
Malcolm: Well, okay, I guess that's all true, but look at it this way.
Malcolm (vo): When it came out, nobody took comic book movies seriously, mostly because they followed the source material even less than this film did. So attempting to be taken seriously, talking about prejudice while also trying to be somewhat faithful to a source nobody took seriously, was kind of risky. It had to take baby steps, find a middle ground, so that future comic book movies could take more chances and risk higher budgets. Sure, the movie's just okay, but being okay back then is what led other comic book movies to being great today. Even if it didn't leave as great a story as you remember, it still left a great impact for comic book movies to follow.
NC: Huh. Guess it is a good point. You know, we actually learned a lot with the different comic book movies we grew up with.
Malcolm: Yeah, I guess we did.
(The doorbell is heard)
NC: That might be your uncle.
(NC and Malcolm get up and head to the door)
NC: You know, this was actually a much better experience that I thought it was gonna be...
(Suddenly, they stop upon seeing that at the door is...Mr. T, played again by Adonis Knight. He's not very happy-looking)
Mr. T: I pity the fool who kidnaps my son!
NC: Your dad's Mr. T?!
(Malcolm nods, as Uncle Lies and Aunt Despair appear in front of Mr. T)
Aunt Despair: There he is. There's the guy that kidnapped your son.
Uncle Lies: It certainly wasn't us, because we said it certainly wasn't us.
Mr. T: That is a foolproof argument.
(Malcolm exits the scene as we cut away from the shocked and confused NC to Mr. T)
Mr. T: Come here, sucker! I'm gonna kick yo' ass! (runs offscreen, and the sound of beating are heard) Eat my cereal! I pity the fool who don't visit school!
Aunt Despair: (to the camera) He's the Nostalgia Critic. And he remembers it, but probably not for long.
Mr. T: (continuing beating NC up offscreen) Yeah! This is yo' ass! And this is yo' ass on Mr. T! Any questions more? Here is the answer! Ugh!
Channel Awesome tagline - NC: (imitating Storm) Get to history class!
(The credits roll)