X-Men: The Last Stand
March 20, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo plays, followed by the X-Month title)
Deep Voice (Doug): Previously on X-Month...
(The video then cuts to Tamara in a room as a fangirl, wearing a "Previously on X-Men" cap and looking angry as she calls someone on her cell phone)
Deep Voice: 13 years ago...
(The video cuts to Malcolm as a fanboy named Billy reading a Marvel omnibus as he answers the phone)
Billy: Hey, what's up?
Tamara: I just saw X-Men 3!
Billy: Yeah, how was it?
Tamara: It was awful!
Tamara: They focus a ton on Wolverine...
Tamara: ...like, everyone dies...
Billy: (disappointed) Dude!
Tamara: And they even kill off Xavier!
Billy: Oh, my God. This sounds like the worst movie ever.
Tamara: It is. I'm gonna hang up now because of how angry I am!
Billy: As you should.
(Tamara hangs up)
Deep Voice: Ten years later...
(Tamara immediately calls Billy again)
Billy: Hey, what's up?
Tamara: I just saw Logan.
Billy: Yeah, how was it?
Tamara: It was... AWESOME!
Billy: (smiles) Really?!
Tamara: They focus a ton on Wolverine...
Tamara: ...like, everyone dies...
Billy: (excited) Dude!
Tamara: And they even kill off Xavier!
Billy: Oh, my God! This sounds like the best movie ever!
Tamara: It is. I'm gonna hang up now because of how happy I am!
Billy: As you should! This was worth seeing in the same spot, never changing my clothes for a decade.
(She hangs up. A caption is shown in a black background saying, "Well...maybe there's a bit more to it than that." We are then shown the X-Month opening, before cutting to NC in his room)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And welcome back to X-Month, where now, we look at one of the most hated X-Men movies, if not, the most hated X-Men movie, X-Men: The Last Stand.
(The title of X-Men: The Last Stand is shown, before showing its clips)
NC (vo): With the directing chair now being filled by Brett Ratner...
NC: (looking uneasy) From one non-controversial director to another... (Images of Bryan Singer and Brett Ratner are shown)
NC (vo): ...X-Men: The Last Stand was less than a critical darling and an absolutely despised addition to the X-Men franchise. Fans hated how many characters died, how unfocused it was, how it seemed to amount to nothing... (Several images of what NC describes are shown) ...how it killed President Kennedy, how it caused the Great Depression, and how it directed Norm of the North 2. You couldn't contain the amount of hatred this movie got and still gets today.
(NC is revealed to have put on some armor on his chest, is wearing an army helmet, and is holding a yellow shield)
(As expected, the audience boos and starts shooting bullets and throwing grenades at NC, who protects himself with his shield. Footage of the film resumes being shown)
NC (vo): Okay, I'm not insane. I know this movie is bad and doesn't work. From a structural standpoint, it's one of the worst sequels ever made, especially when you get to the end.
NC (vo): It has the most risks, the most action, the most color, the most mutants, and the most compelling ideas outside of just... (A large caption is shown as NC says it in a very deep voice) Prejudice sucks!
NC: (still in a deep voice) Oh, yeah! We went there!
NC (vo; normal): Sure, its story and characters are weak, and the ending doesn't really go anywhere, but (shows the movie posters of the previous two films) I'm kind of used to that in these movies by now. I mean, what's worse? Safe, bland, middle-of-the-road tedium, or batshit insanity that never once left you bored? Well, that's the geeky complication we're gonna analyze here today.
NC: Let's take a look at the clearly bad, but in my opinion, enjoyably bad X-Men: The Last Stand.
(The movie starts by going twenty years in the past, when Professor Charles Xavier (not disabled yet) and Erik Lehnsherr meet young Jean Grey at her parents' house to invite her to join their school. The makeup is put on Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen to make them look slightly younger)
NC (vo): The film opens several years ago with a mostly convincing age restoration of Xavier, played again by Patrick Stewart. Magneto, on the other hand, played again by Ian McKellen, is looking more like a PS4 character.
Lehnsherr: When are you going to stop lecturing me?
Xavier: When you start listening. (Lehnsherr chuckles) You're here because I need you.
NC: Oh, yes. The pictures have told us. (The photo of Stewart and McKellen kissing each other on the lips is shown)
(The young Jean Grey, played by Haley Ramm, goes downstairs to meet Xavier and Lehnsherr)
NC (vo): They go to visit a young Jean Grey, who apparently has unbelievable powers to make people look less like they're action figures.
(Several cars outside start floating via Jean's telepatic powers)
NC (vo): Jean's powers seem to be running amok, but Xavier says he can help her control it.
Lehnsherr: Did you think you were the only one of your kind, young lady?
NC: (as Lehnsherr) And I hope never to bring this up or think about it the majority of times we meet.
(Cut to a clip from X2)
NC (vo; as Magneto): Oh, Jean, by the way, to save all the mutants of the world, it'd be extremely helpful if you could, you know...unleash that "most powerful entity in the universe" thing? Nothing? Nada? God, this better make more sense when you're Sansa Stark.
(Ten years later, we see a child named Warren Worthington III (Cayden Boyd) cutting something off in the bathroom and crying in pain. His father, Warren Worthington II (Michael Murphy), discovers him and sees with shock that he was actually trying to cut his wings off)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, at a later date...God, is this a timeline or a math problem?...we get a pretty grisly scene of a young mutant trying to cut his wings from his back. This kid deserves a freakin' Oscar for the less than one minute of acting that he's given.
(Warren breaks down in tears)
Worthington: Not you.
Warren: Dad, I'm sorry. (The reflection of him reveals the scars on his back and his mutant status)
NC: Wow. I can't wait to see the development they give this character to justify such horrific imagery-
(The clips of younger and older Warren (Ben Foster) are shown back-to-back)
NC (vo): How much screen time does he have? (The caption "3 1/2 Minutes Total" appears)
NC: Should I get used...to things being dramatically built up with no payoff? (The red caption "YES" appears in front of NC...and more of these captions start popping up around him) Yeah. Got it. GOT IT!
(Back to the film, the caption signals that the events are happening, once again, in the not-too-distant future. Wolverine, Storm, Colossus, Rogue, Iceman and Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page) are shown in some sort of a scrapyard battling a giant Sentinel)
NC (vo): Back in the not-too-distant future's past, we see Storm, played again by Halle Berry, and Wolverine, played again by Hugh Jackman, training young mutants in a lawsuit Battlefield.
Wolverine: (to a hiding Iceman) The whole world's going to hell and you're just gonna sit there?
NC: (as Iceman) Come on, it's the third one. We're all on autopilot here.
Storm: (taking cover) We're getting killed out here.
NC: (smiles) Oh, you read the reviews.
(Colossus throws Wolverine at the Sentinel and after he's landed, the giant metal head falls on the ground)
NC (vo): Logan has non-Russian Colossus throw him at the threat, and the sigh of disappointment is given when you realize the upside-down fake Sentinel head is far better-looking than the actual Sentinels we would get later. (An image of a Sentinel from X-Men: Days of Future Past is shown)
Wolverine: Class dismissed.
(The Sentinel metal head blinks its eyes several times before shutting off)
NC (vo; as the Sentinel): Tell Bumblebee I love him.
(It turns out everybody was training in the Danger Room, as the surrounding are turned off)
NC (vo): They turn off the holodeck...I mean, Danger Room...eh, they're both owned by the same guy...as Rogue, Anna Paquin, is pissed that her boyfriend Iceman is getting too friendly with another mutant named Kitty Pryde, played by Ellen Page.
(Rogue storms off in annoyance as Iceman follows her)
Iceman: Something's wrong?
Rogue: What's wrong is I can't touch my boyfriend without killing him. Other than that, I'm wonderful.
NC: Again, (makes an "a-okay" gesture) nailing her character great!
Iceman: Have I ever put any pressure on you?
Rogue: You're a guy, Bobby. Your mind's only on one thing.
NC: (as Rogue) I'm gonna go talk to that Gambit boy. No, wait, that's what the fans would want. We don't do that in these movies.
(Cut to the depressed Cyclops)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Cyclops, James Marsden, is having trouble coping with Jean's death from the last movie.
Wolverine: (to Cyclops) I know how you feel.
Wolverine: When Jean died...
Cyclops: (grasps Wolverine's hand) I said don't.
Wolverine: Maybe it's time for us to move on.
NC: (as Cyclops) You and I, that one night of passion, it's over now.
Cyclops: (leaving Wolverine) Not everybody heals as fast as you, Logan.
NC (vo; as Wolverine): Well, I am pretty awesome.
(The following clips show Dr. Hank McCoy, aka Beast, played by Kelsey Grammer, as a member of the US Cabinet as the Secretary of Mutant Affairs)
NC (vo): We then cut to Beast...I mean, Beast...I mean, Kelsey Grammer as Beast...I mean...Beast.
NC: Yeah. They nailed Beast. It's amazing how well they got this character down.
NC (vo): From his casting, to his makeup, to his sophistication, to his animal-like fighting, even him reading upside down. Next to Wolverine and Xavier, this is as perfect a realization of a cinematic X-Man can be.
Beast: (to Xavier in the mansion) A major pharmaceutical company has developed a mutant antibody. A way to suppress the mutant X-gene. Permanently.
NC: How am I taking him so seriously when that...
NC (vo): ...ridiculous amount of makeup is staring back at me? He looks like a Rogaine Smurf, and yet I'm hanging off of his every word!
NC: Even the world they inhabit seems a little bit more evolved.
(As NC speaks, we are shown the next scenes in the film. Worthington Labs announces it has developed an inoculation to suppress the X-gene that gives mutants their abilities, and offer the "cure" to any mutant who wants it. The cure is created from the genome of a young mutant named Jimmy, aka Leech (Cameron Bright), who lives at the Worthington facility on Alcatraz Island. While some mutants are interested, including Rogue, many are horrified by this)
NC (vo): As mutants are now being hired into political office, and people focus less on wiping them out as much as helping them out. Though, even that's quite a loaded issue as well. Apparently, a, quote, "cure for mutation" has been found, ironically, in a mutant, who can take people's powers away if they come near him. They transform this into a drug that can take mutant powers away, and, unsurprisingly, this causes a lot of controversy.
Storm: (to Beast) I mean, what kind of coward would take it just to fit in?
Beast: Is it cowardice to save oneself from persecution?
NC: This is a callback to one of the best X-Men cartoons entitled "The Cure".
(The footage from this Season 1 episode plays)
NC (vo): Where mutants try to figure out whether or not it's ethical to be free of their powers.
(Back to the film)
NC (vo): Give this movie credit for asking similar difficult questions. Is mutation something to be fixed like bad vision, or is it a part of your identity and what makes you who you are? Should you change or society change? Mutants have different responses, depending on their powers.
Beast: Not all of us can fit in so easily. You don't shed on the furniture.
Rogue: (walks in) Is it true? They can cure us?
NC: (as Rogue) They can give us real accents?
Storm: There's nothing to cure. Nothing's wrong with you. Or any of us, for that matter.
NC (vo): I do also give credit that Storm has a bit more character in this than the previous films, though maybe it's just the better wig.
(Worthington presents the "cure" in front of the crowd on Alcatraz)
Worthington: Their affliction is nothing more than a disease. This site, once the world's most famous prison, will now be the source of freedom.
NC (vo): Yes. I'm sure going to Alcatraz to have people who see you as a disease genetically alter you won't be intimidating at all!
Worthington: These so-called mutants are people, just like us. But I stand here today to tell you that there's hope.
NC: You know, I want to listen to this guy, but I keep looking around expecting to see...
(The clip from Batman Returns is shown, showing the Red Triangle Gang "kidnapping" the Gotham City Mayor's baby)
NC (vo): ...one of the Penguin's goons to flip in and steal his baby.
(In an abandoned church, Magneto re-establishes his Brotherhood of Mutants with those who oppose the cure, with Pyro still on his side)
NC (vo): However, some groups are taking this further, as Magneto infiltrates an angry gathering of mutants. (A small clip from X2 is shown, with Jean and Storm searching for Nightcrawler in a Boston church) By the way, doesn't anyone clean up churches in the not-too-distant future?
Magneto: Make no mistake, my brothers. They will draw first blood. The only question is, who will you stand with, the humans...or us?
NC: (as Magneto) I'll be selling my CDs in the back. I like Stream Thursdays.
Kid Omega (Ken Leung): You talk pretty tough for a guy in a cape.
Pyro: You know who you're talking to?
Kid Omega: (as multiple needles come out from his face) Do you?
NC: (confused) The gritty reboot of Sonic the Hedgehog?
(Cyclops drives to Jean's resting location at Alkali Lake. Suddenly, Jean herself appears in front of him)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Cyclops returns to where Jean was lost, but discovers she's not quite dead.
Large Man with Dead Body (John Cleese): (audio, from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
NC: (nods, as the clip of Jean dying in Wolverine's arms in the end is shown) There's sadly a lot of truth to that.
(Jean takes off Cyclops' glasses and kisses him on the lips)
NC (vo): She shows off to Cyclops how powerful she's become by coming back to life, controlling his laser eyes, and, as if that wasn't enough, she blows him up.
(Xavier senses that something horrible happened to Cyclops)
NC: (deadpan) Oh, no. Not Cyclops. He was...a character.
NC (vo): Anyway, I've seen Westworld. I know he'll be right back.
Xavier: Get to Alkali Lake.
(Storm and Wolverine arrive at the lake to discover Cyclops gone, leaving only his glasses, and an unconscious Jean)
NC (vo): Xavier feels a great disturbance in the X-Force, so he sends Storm and Logan to check it out, and they discover Jean is still alive. But how can that be?
NC: (looking eager) Well, that much built up Phoenix Saga is about to pay off, involving aliens and firebirds and several levels of psychological and physical identity...
(Back at the X-Mansion, Xavier and Wolverine look at an unconscious Jean in bed)
Xavier: Her powers wrapped her in a cocoon of telekinetic energy.
NC: (face frozen) Okay.
Xavier: Jean developed a dual personality that, in our sessions, came to call itself the Phoenix.
NC: (stunned and confused) What?
Xavier: There's a woman in front of us, the Jean Grey we know, or the Phoenix furiously struggling to be free.
NC: (still looking stunned and confused) So...no aliens, no firebirds, only one personality, and all of this is happening...because of water?
NC (vo): Yeah, they say Xavier kept it dormant, but they never said what triggered it back to full force, so the only conclusion we can come to is...water. Just add water, boom! Crazy!
NC: Boy, The Wizard of Oz would have been a different flick if that was the outcome.
(Cut to a skit showing the Wicked Witch of the West (Aiyanna) confronting Dorothy (Tamara) and a Winkie Guard (Malcolm))
The Wicked Witch of the West: (cackles) I have you now, my pretty!
Dorothy: Oh, no, you don't, you evil witch!
(She throws a bucket of water at the Witch)
Winkie Guard: Dorothy, no!
(When the water hits the Witch, suddenly, an explosion occurs, and the Witch emerges more stronger and powerful, being surrounded by flames and speaking with a deeper voice)
Witch: (cackles) You have unleashed the psychotic part of my mind to make me the most powerful force in the world!
Winkie Guard: Yeah, Dorothy, what did you think would happen?
Dorothy: Well, I thought she would melt.
Winkie Guard: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say!
Dorothy: But I...
Winkie Guard: No.
Dorothy: I thought that'd she...
Winkie Guard: No. No.
(The Winkie Guard gently walks Dorothy out of the room, leaving the off-screen Witch still inside)
Witch: Um, I'm still here.
(Back to the movie, the grown-up Warren is shown to be given the "cure" against his will before his wings grow back, being strapped on an operating table)
NC (vo): So the first person to be given the cure is the creator's son, the boy we saw in the opening named Archangel.
NC: In that, the credits call him that*, but nobody in the movie ever does.
- Note: A little mistake here: Warren's mutant name is just "Angel"
Warren: I can't do this!
Worthington: Calm down. I promise you it will be fine. Warren, relax.
(Warren manages to break from the belts, kicks the two doctors away and opens his large white wings, to his father's astonishment)
NC (vo): Oh, man, I'm glad he didn't take it.
NC: Oh, not for any ethical reasons. It's just the wings are the only way...
NC (vo): ...I can tell him apart from Malfoy. (Draco Malfoy from the Harry Potter films is shown) And, just to be overly dramatic...
Worthington: Warren, no!
(Warren runs away and into the window, breaking it and flying away)
NC (vo; as Warren): Doors are for practical people! I'm here to shove a visual metaphor down moviegoers throats! (normal) And maybe that metaphor would have worked if it wasn't used on characters who had less than five minutes on screen. (Jimmy is shown looking on to the flying Warren from his window) Both the person being watched and the person watching are barely in this.
NC: Weird how feeling for an image and relating to an image seem to be intertwined.
(Magneto stands on the highway in front of the approaching mobile truck prison and four of the escorting police cars)
NC (vo): Eh, I'm sure this will be underwhelming, too, as Magneto plans to break out Mystique who's been captured by law officials.
NC: What, is he gonna use his (speaks sarcastically as the clips of Magneto from the first two movies are shown) deadly marbles again? Maybe lift a car?
(Not moving an inch, Magneto uses his powers to crush and toss away two cars in the front, then he makes two cars in the back to roll down, and after that, he breaks the cab from the truck and lifts it into the air above him, also making it fall. He then slows down the remaining part of the truck by holding up his hand, and the remaining part stops right in front of him. NC is quite impressed)
NC: Well, that was awesome. Oh, I mean, uh... (acts like an angry fanboy) Nothing's good in this movie! (grunts and shakes a fist)
(Mystique is released, and Pyro shows up at the scene)
NC (vo): He breaks her out, which I kind of enjoy, seeing how she broke him out in the previous film, and...eh, while in this mutant criminal grocery store, he decides to go shopping.
(Magneto opens the door to the cell that contains James Madrox/Multiple Man (Eric Dane), who steps out while making several clones of himself)
Pyro: James Madrox.
NC: He was arrested for being (photo of...) Seth McFarlane five times when once was already too many.
(Magneto opens another door to see an armored, bulky mutant named Cain Marko, aka Juggernaut, played by Vinnie Jones)
Magneto: What do they call you?
NC: He was arrested for quoting Internet memes.
(Cut to a later clip)
Juggernaut: I'm the Juggernaut, bi-
NC: (holds up hand) Yeah, yeah, we'll get to it.
(One policeman survives and shoots a dart with a "cure". Mystique, shielding Magneto, is hit by it and loses her mutant abilities, going back to her normal self)
NC (vo): One of the guards tries shooting the cure at them, as Mystique gets hit and transforms into a human. Thus, Magneto abandons her, presumably because she lied about being a real redhead.
(The others leave)
Magneto: Such a shame. She was so beautiful.
NC: Now, on the one hand, I kind of like this.
NC (vo): It emphasizes how deep his prejudice goes, and, like most oxymoron bigots, he's consistent in how hypocritical he is.
NC: But there is one huge problem with this. The situation should go more like...
NC (vo; as Magneto): Oh, dear. Well, I better take you to my machine that turns people into mutants. I know it had a few problems, but with me being a scientist and there being great breakthroughs in DNA transformation, (chuckles) I can totally work with this. Oh, wait, I guess that's off the table now. Okay, laters.
Magneto: I'm sorry, my dear. You're not one of us any more.
NC: (as Magneto, with the clip from X-Men: First Class being shown, showing young Xavier reading while Mystique sleeps in his arms) I mean, the fact that you grew up as Xavier's sister was totally fine, but... (normal) ...yeah, that still doesn't connect to any of these.
(Beast is shown in the White House speaking to the president, played by Josef Sommer)
NC (vo): Beast is outraged that the cure has been weaponized without his knowledge, thus he tells the president he's resigning. Someone fired or resigning from the president's cabinet? Man, that's rare these days.
Beast: Have you even begun to think what a slippery slope you're on?
President: I have. And I worry about how democracy survives when one man can move cities with his mind.
Beast: As do I.
President: You and I know that it's only going to get worse.
Beast: All the more reason why I need to be where I belong.
NC: (legitimately stunned and impressed) Wow. Both of them are asking very tough, polarizing questions.
NC (vo): Kinda makes you wonder what you would do if you were put in a similar scenario.
NC: Oh, I mean, (hits the table, acting like he's an angry fanboy again) it sucks! Every part of this sucks! It's Transformers 12!
(Wolverine is shown watching Jean, still in bed, when she suddenly grasps his hand, awakening)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, the supposed most dangerous mutant in the world wakes up...with just Wolverine as security....
NC: (massaging his forehead) You know, it's becoming easier and easier to believe that the apocalypse happened four times in these movies. (The posters for X2, Days of Future Past, Logan and Apocalypse are shown) One of them is called that!
NC (vo): ...and it appears she's not in control.
Jean: Look at you, Logan. He's tamed you.
(The monitors in the room start glitching and shaking as Wolverine holds the strained Jean)
NC (vo; speaking in a deep voice): There is no Jean, only Phoenix.
(Wolverine's belt unstraps itself and flies away offscreen)
NC: (as Jean, smirking flirtingly) That remarkable metal doesn't run through your entire body, does it?
(The Phoenix emerges out of Jean, throws Wolverine into the wall and walks away to where she was born. Cut to Wolverine, Storm and Xavier arriving here, before showing a small clip from the first movie with the mutant students watching the jet flying away)
NC (vo): But Fifty Shades of Jean Grey will have to wait, as she busts out and goes to her parents, despite her parents never showing up in the rest of the movie. Eh, it's not the first time in these films someone abandons what's supposed to be the most important.
Wolverine: (seeing Magneto and four of the mutants he's gathered) What the hell are you doing here?
Magneto: Visiting an old friend.
NC (vo): Magneto and his goons are there as well, as Xavier and him agree to approach her alone.
Xavier: I came to bring Jean home. Don't interfere, Erik.
Magneto: Just like old times, huh?
Xavier: She needs help.
NC: (laughs) Okay...this visual needs sitcom music.
(The scene is repeated with quirky comedic music playing in the background)
Announcer (Malcolm): One's a peaceful professor, the other, a genocidal extremist. Together, they have to convince a woman not to blow up the world, (The posters for the 2019 movie Dark Phoenix are shown) because everyone thinks the Dark Phoenix is the only part of the Phoenix there was. Can they stop her insanity while having (Three photos of Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen together are shown) a little fun along the way? (The "sitcom"s title is shown) FOX presents: Jean Luc & Gandalf. Some wacky wit from wacky Brits.
(This finishes with a small clip from X2 of Magneto winking. Returning to the movie, we're shown Magneto and Xavier going in, and both vie for Jean's loyalty until the Phoenix resurfaces and throws things around them)
NC (vo): They do a good job making Jean pretty intimidating and downright creepy at times, but for going back to her childhood home, there's no exploring her past, her psychology, what led her to this mental state, she just starts tossing shit. (The paper from one of the comics that shows Jean being pronounced the Black Queen is shown) Yeah, it's not like the Phoenix had any mental play whatsoever.
Wolverine: That's it. (He pulls out his claws and fights the members of the Brotherhood along with Storm)
NC (vo): Even the fight, despite it being impressively choreographed, doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Magneto says...
(Cut to a clip from before)
Magneto: (to his allies) Nobody gets inside.
(Juggernaut grabs Wolverine and throws him inside the house through the window)
NC (vo): Well, obviously, the first thing to do then is throw him inside. Though, let's be honest, that was only done for this stunt.
(Juggernaut throws Wolverine again, this time through the ceiling, and he lands by breaking the ceiling in the other room)
NC: Which makes no sense, but I still friggin' love.
(The house starts floating above the ground)
NC (vo): Jean takes house-flipping a little too seriously, Xavier gives Logan one final look before being turned into powder deck slacks.
(With too much pressure around and feeling he won't make it, Xavier smiles to Wolverine)
NC: That's the look of a guy saying...
(The shot from Logan is shown)
NC (vo): ..."You're going to be changing me in the near future".
(Xavier disintegrates, and the house falls down. Magneto picks up the weakened Jean and leaves)
NC (vo): So X-Man Xavier's X-tinct, as Magneto steals Jean away and the X-Men realize they have to carry on not only without their leader Cyclops, but without their mentor Xavier as well. (The montage of four clips showing Xavier and Cyclops in trouble plays) Gee, I've never seen that done in these movies before.
(Xavier's funeral is held, and Storm is making a speech before everybody)
Storm: Wherever we may go, we must carry on his vision. And that's a vision of a world united.
NC (vo): This hits our X-Men pretty hard, especially...oh, which one was Juno again?
(Iceman goes to Kitty's room)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, Kitty Pryde.
NC: It has been over 40 minutes since we've given her or Iceman a scene, so...
(Iceman makes the skates for Kitty, and both of them ice skate on a frozen fountain water. This is seen by Rogue in the mansion)
NC (vo): Yeah, there's nothing to help get over the death of your mentor like flirting with someone you barely know while your current girlfriend watches. What an X-hole!
Wolverine: (encounters Rogue in the hall) Where are you going?
Rogue: You don't know what it's like to be afraid of your powers.
Rogue: I want to be able to touch people, Logan.
Wolverine: I hope you're not doing this for some boy.
NC (vo; as Rogue): No, it's for some boy...oh, yeah, that's totally what I'm doing.
Wolverine: Look, if you wanna go, then go. Just be sure it's what you want.
NC: (as Rogue) Well, I don't know if it's what I want. I haven't asked Bobby yet!
(We go to a commercial. When we come back, we are shown Magneto luring Jean as a part of the Brotherhood of Mutants, while Wolverine and Storm try to recover from their recent losses)
NC (vo): So remember how Jean, even though she wasn't really developed...I mean, okay, we're used to that in these movies...but she was at least a little creepy? Well, throw that out the window, as for the majority of the rest of the movie, she does nothing but give one blank stare. Again, something we've sadly become familiar with in these films.
Storm: (to Wolverine) She made her choice. Now it's time we make ours. So if you're with us, then be with us.
NC (vo): Again, give credit that at least Storm has a bit more character, taking a little bit more charge, and this maybe kind of ties in to fans that believe she should have been the leader of the X-Men instead of Cyclops.
(Wolverine is shown at the forest, attempting to find Jean)
NC (vo): But every time Jean is even close to being more developed, they always push away. In some cases, literally, like when Wolverine tries to track her down.
(Magneto confronts Wolverine and pushes him into a tree, holding him there)
Wolverine: I came for Jean.
Magneto: You think I'm keeping her against her will?
NC: (as Magneto) Sorry, we're paying her by the line in this one. You should have seen the deal we got with Cyclops.
(Magneto pulls Wolverine closer to him)
Wolverine: You don't know what you're dealing with.
Magneto: I know full well.
NC: (as Magneto) I'm gonna make you do stupid things. (Uses his powers to make another NC, who's playing Wolverine, hit himself in the head swiftly) Ha-ha-ha-ha! Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Quit hitting yourself! Now go.
(Magneto pushes Wolverine away, causing him to careen through the trees in the forest)
NC: Look out! You'll run into Ash from Evil Dead 2!
(The scene of Wolverine flying through the trees is shown with the scene from Evil Dead 2 of Ash flying through the trees. Later, a large team of SWAT members attempt to capture Magneto and his brotherhood after getting a tip from Mystique, only to find Multiple Man is only there, posing as a distraction)
NC (vo): The SWAT team finds Magneto's army, but it turns out it was just Multiple Man as a diversion.
Multiple Man: Okay. (Smiles and holds up his hands) I give up.
NC: (as Multiple Man; laughs) Now I'm gonna be sent back to jail and have my powers taken away... (Frowns) Why did I agree to this?
(Magneto, along with Jean and the Brotherhood, have gone to storm Alcatraz, by walking through the Golden Gate Bridge)
NC (vo): Magneto is actually throwing a mutant pride parade, as he plans to get his army to Alcatraz, via...a "holy shit" amazing scene.
(In a pretty amazing action sequence, Magneto is shown using his powers to telekinetically lift and carry the entire Golden Gate Bridge with him, his army, and other innocent civilians on it. NC is beyond amazed)
NC: Jesus Christ, that's... (Again acts like an angry fanboy) ...not X-Men at all! No, no, not at all! That's...
(As NC continues to act like an angry fanboy trying to deny seeing any good in the film, we are shown Magneto rerouting the bridge to the direction towards Alcatraz, allowing him and the Brotherhood to invade it)
NC (vo): You never see that in a comic! It's...not imaginative, not big or epic or anything like that! It-it-it's lazy! It's...it's...
NC: It's stupid! It's incompetent! It's... (Stops acting like an angry fanboy and resumes being legitimately amazed) God, that still holds up!
(As Magneto and the Brotherhood prepare to invade Alcatraz, the sky goes from sunset to nighttime in a few seconds)
NC (vo): Though it is funny how it goes from dusk to complete night in a matter of a few seconds. And I do mean a few seconds.
NC: Actually, that reminds me. (Goes outside to see Malcolm and Tamara sitting in front of a window during daytime) Hey, didn't we have a scene to shoot at dusk today?
Malcolm: Uh, yeah, but sunset starts at five, and it's 5:00 right now.
NC: But that should give us plenty of time to shoot...
(Suddenly, the day turns into pitch black night)
Tamara: Oh, no, it's actually 5:01 now. We just missed it.
NC: Curses! How does this happen?
Malcolm: I don't know. Climate change?
NC: How does that affect the sunset?
Tamara: I don't know. It's just always climate change.
NC: (confused) Things are always so strange when you two are around. (Goes back to his room)
Tamara: That's weird. Things get a lot more normal when you aren't around.
(Magneto and the Brotherhood start their invasion, with a team of guards attempting to fight them)
NC (vo): Magneto's army plans to kill the boy supplying the cure, but they have a lot of obstacles to get through.
Magneto: (to Juggernaut) In chess, the pawns go first.
NC: (as Magneto) I call them the test audience.
(The remaining X-Men, including Wolverine, Storm, Beast, Iceman, Kitty Pryde/Shadowcat, and Colossus, appear and confront Magneto and the Brotherhood)
NC (vo): But the X-Men show up to stop them, and the... (Clears his throat and speaks in a sarcastic tone) ...not the least bit kick-ass climax begins.
(The final battle between the X-Men and the Brotherhood starts! Beast unleashes his beastly skills on several bad guys, Wolverine slashes a light post, causing it to fall down straight onto other ones. Kitty runs through one bad guy, grabs him and knocks him down. Storm unleashes lightning. NC once more acts like an angry fanboy, trying desperately to deny seeing the clear-as-day awesomeness in the whole sequence)
NC: Mmm...just trying to find something awesome in this movie, like...
(Kitty makes it into the building, as Juggernaut chases her)
NC (vo): ...Juggernaut and Kitty Pryde chasing each other through concrete walls?
(Pyro blasts fire at some flying cars, setting them on fire and causing them to explode when they hit the ground)
NC (vo): Setting projectile cars on fire?
(Beast fights more bad guys)
NC (vo): Kelsey Grammer as Beast launching into the air, roaring and ripping people to shreds?
NC: Have you even read an X-Men comic?
(Cut to a scene in X2, showing a possessed Xavier showing an illusion of a little girl around Cerebro)
NC (vo): Where's Xavier showing a girl around Cerebro for hours?
NC: That's the kind of excitement that ignites the imagination!
(Kitty stops Juggernaut by dragging him into the floor, leaving him stuck)
NC (vo; speaking normally): Oh, don't worry, though. There's still plenty of stupid to go around, like this line that launched a million groans.
Juggernaut: Don't you know who I am? (Kitty leaves) I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!
NC: (looking uneasy) Yeah...if you want to know what every X-Men fan's reaction was to this...
(A clip of Juggernaut from the cartoon is shown)
NC (vo): ...Internet meme suddenly making it into a big blockbuster movie...
NC: ...it went exactly like this.
Juggernaut: Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!
(NC's reaction is shown via a series of captions. The captions include "Excitement", "Confusion", "Awkwardness", "Sadness", "Betrayal", "Anger", "Disgust" and "Horror")
(As Worthington and Kavita Rao attempt to escape, they are confronted by Kid Omega and Psylocke)
NC (vo): Then there's this scene where the mutants try to kill the scientists in charge.
Kid Omega: You're the guy that invented the cure, right?
NC: (as Worthington, pointing at Rao) Yep, that's her.
(The two mutants hold Worthington at the top of the building, preparing to drop him)
Worthington: Please, don't do this. I only want to help you people.
Kid Omega: Do we look like we need your help?
NC: (as Kid Omega) All we need is a script doctor!
(Kid Omega drops Worthington, but Angel suddenly appears and saves him, before carrying him to safety)
NC (vo): Yay! That kid who had less screentime than the catering credit got to save his dad!
NC: (throws his hands) Because that's what it's all about.
(Wolverine, Storm and Beast are shown to be exhausted from the continuing battle, but their will to continue fighting is still intact)
NC (vo): Wolverine even manages to learn how to work with the X-Men as a team.
Wolverine: We work as a team.
Storm: Best defense is a good offense.
NC: (throws his hands) Because that's what it's all about.
(We are briefly shown the earlier scene of Beast resigning from politics, before cutting back to the battle, showing Beast injecting Magneto with the "cure", thus nullifying his powers and defeating him)
NC (vo): I also got to love how Beast resigns because they weaponized the cure, and he uses the weaponized cure to inject Magneto!
President: (from an earlier scene) You and I know that it's only going to get worse.
Beast: (from an earlier scene) All the more reason why I need to be where I belong.
NC (vo; as Beast): In the hypocritical Gray Zone Jacuzzi that this film is keeping me nice and warm in.
(Just as the X-Men finally beat Magneto and the Brotherhood, it is at that point that Jean unleashes the Phoenix again, and she begins to destroy Alcatraz and anyone within range of her powers)
NC (vo): Jean decides once again to go berserk, though, as she begins wiping out everybody on the island.
(As the Phoenix unleashes her full power, Magneto witnesses this and becomes regretful)
Magneto: What have I done?
NC: Is it me, or does it look like he's asking the audience that upon finishing the film?
Magneto: What have I done?
(The caption "No Refunds" appears with a "ding" sound. All sorts of people begin to be vaporized into dust by the Phoenix's deadly rampage)
NC: You ever wonder if this is Thanos' porn? Like he just stays up late at night like...?
(A Photoshopped skit is shown, showing the offscreen Thanos lying on the couch and watching TV in a house full of VHS tapes. On the TV is the clip of the Phoenix killing various people)
Thanos (voiced by Doug): Oh, yeah. Turn them to dust, you sexy thing. Turn them to dust. (Beat) God, I'm lonely.
(Wolverine attempts to confront the rampaging Phoenix)
NC (vo): It looks like Wolverine is the only one who can approach her due to his fast healing. (The Phoenix stands still in a menacing manner, with fire next to her and her hair blowing) I guess that kind of looks like a firebird, even though you promised us an actual firebird... (The closing scene of X2 is shown briefly) ...but I guess that meant a symbolic firebird.
(Wolverine walks slowly to the Phoenix, with his clothes getting ripped to pieces by her powers)
NC: (as Wolverine) Look, I know you want to see me naked, but can't I go one of these movies with my body mostly covered? (A scene showing Wolverine running naked is shown) I'm tired of people seeing my Huge Ackman!
(After Wolverine finally approaches her, Jean momentarily gains control and begs him to save her. Wolverine finally makes his sad choice and fatally stabs Jean, killing the Phoenix, but mourns her death)
NC (vo): He gets her back to her normal self, just so he can kill her. Yep. She came back and went crazy, just so she could die again. Yeah, that's...actually all they do with her.
NC: (counts with his fingers, imitating Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park) Man creates Jean...man destroys Jean...man re-creates Jean...man destroys Jean...man, this movie's bullshit.
(We are shown the film's final scenes, with mutant rights finally being obtained and Xavier's school still operating with Storm as headmistress. Kitty Pryde is shown looking at Xavier's grave)
NC (vo): And the ending...only gets worse from here. We see Kitty Pryde at Xaiver's grave...
NC: Because clearly no other character had a stronger connection with him.
(Iceman is shown entering Rogue's room, where she has recently returned after making her decision)
NC (vo): ...as these movies have now gone full force into making Rogue barely recognizable to 100% unrecognizable, as she had her powers taken away.
Iceman: This isn't what I wanted.
Rogue: I know. (Touches his hand) It's what I wanted.
NC: Aw, so she did it for herself.
NC (vo): Now let's reconnect with the boy who was about to cheat on you because he couldn't touch you and remind yourself that it had nothing to do with him.
NC: 'Cause that's what this is all about.
(Wolverine sees on the television that Beast has returned to politics and is being appointed to ambassador of the United Nations by the president)
NC (vo): Hey, look! Wolverine is proud that Beast is back in the White House, putting their two-sentence rivalry behind them.
Wolverine: Way to go, furball.
NC: (throws his hands) Because that's what this was all about!
(Wolverine is shown accepting his place as a member of the X-Men and part of Xavier's school. We are then shown Magneto sitting at a chessboard, human and weak. As he gestures toward a metal chess piece, it moves slightly, suggesting that the "cure" is not permanent after all. We are then shown a woman named Moira checking on a comatose patient, who speaks to her with Xavier's voice, and then we are shown Angel flying freely above the restored Golden Gate Bridge)
NC (vo): Logan tries to figure out if he owns the school or what, nothing else is discovered about his past despite the other films talking about it...I mean, poorly, but they did talk about it...and we see Magneto's powers are coming back, proving the cure pointless, Xavier comes back to life, proving his death pointless, but that Archangel kid is still flying around in the background for a millisecond, thus...
NC: (throws his hands once more) That's what this was all about... (Finally snaps in annoyance) I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MOVIE WAS ABOUT!
(Footage of X-Men: The Last Stand plays again as NC goes to his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): For a film called "The Last Stand", it doesn’t stand by jack-shit. This movie raises the stakes, raises the body count, raises the issues and questions, and yet never follows all the way through, so it ends up saying nothing.
NC: Want proof? There’s an alternate ending...
(A clip of the film's alternate take on the scene where Rogue and Iceman talk with each other is shown)
NC (vo): ...where Rogue doesn’t get the cure, proving even they had no idea what they were trying to say.
Rogue: I couldn't do it. I'm sorry, Bobby. This is me.
NC (vo): The whole movie just feels like a lot of big scenes that never connect or build up to anything. And when you have a movie that makes a lot of huge choices resulting in a lot of huge deaths, it has to amount to something. You can’t back down on that.
NC: With that said...there are still a lot of amazing scenes to appreciate.
NC (vo): Some great action, great effects, great makeup, great ideas, and yes, even some great character moments. All of these scenes on their own would be fine. Maybe that’s why a lot of them have so many hits on YouTube, because individually, they’re really impressive, and deserve more credit when people just scoff that there’s nothing good in this film.
NC: But it’s the equivalent of having all your favorite food on one plate.
NC (vo): Alone, they’re great. Altogether, it’s a giant mess. So, yes, in comparison to the other films that, while slow and uneventful, did have a beginning, middle and end, this tosses all of that away for some big scenes that practically destroy what the other films were trying to do. In that respect, it’s one of the worst sequels ever made because it disappointed fans who really got into these movies.
NC: But for me, I never got that much into these movies. I thought they were okay at best.
(Several clips from the first two X-Men films are shown)
NC (vo): I watched them because I liked X-Men, but these films never really represented X-Men, at least not the X-Men I was familiar with. (An image of an X-Men comic is shown) They were dull, colorless, restrictive, middle-of-the-road adventures from a franchise that was the exact opposite of that.
(Footage of The Last Stand is shown again once more)
NC (vo): This one at least was big, loud, fun, energetic, imaginative, visually stunning, action-packed, and had good dilemmas despite them never following all the way through with it. So while it is technically bad, when I think of the bombastic, cool, adrenaline-filled X-Men fighting against varying types of prejudice, this is the one that gives me a more enjoyable time. So it’s picking your poison; the safer, blander, but ultimately better put together films, or the over-the-top, hyper punch-fest that constantly insults your intelligence. Whatever you choose, one thing’s for sure, for some, this is an enjoyably bad movie, but it is still a bad movie.
NC: Well, that about does it for X-Month, and next week, I have a brand new movie to review...
(He is suddenly stopped by Malcolm clearing his throat. Both him and Tamara have just come in)
Malcolm: Aren't you forgetting something?
NC: (angry) NO! NO, I'M NOT! (Pushes Malcolm and Tamara out of the room while shouting quickly) THERE NEVER WILL BE ANOTHER X-MEN MOVIE, THERE NEVER HAS BEEN ANOTHER X-MEN MOVIE! A POX ON YOU!!
(He shuts the door. Outside, Malcolm and Tamara speak with each other)
Tamara: Wow, he has really repressed X-Men Origins: Wolverine, hasn't he?
Malcolm: (smiles) Yeah. That's why I put a copy of it under his desk to remind him he needs to review it.
Tamara: Oh. How do you know he'll find it?
(A large and loud squealing scream from NC is heard. Malcolm and Tamara look in his room and confirm what has happened)
Malcolm: He found it.
Tamara: Cool. Cool.
(The two of them smile as NC continues screaming)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Juggernaut: I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!
(The credits roll)