Woody Woodpecker (2017)
April 3, 2018
(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, followed by 2018 title sequence)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Remember the nightmare fuel in Son of the Mask? I know, which one?
(Four of such scenes from Son of the Mask appear around NC: Neuman's face being popped off his head; Tim as the Mask dancing with his face really close to the camera; Baby Alvey's head turning into that of Woody Woodpecker; and a whole bunch of babies with vampire fangs)
NC: (pointing towards Alvey's Woody Woodpecker head) This one.
(The scene is played in full: Alvey's head turns into that of Woody Woodpecker, doing his signature laugh, freaking out Tim)
NC: Imagine that for an hour and a half. Don't want to? I did, (becomes angry) AND YOU'RE GONNA SUFFER WITH ME!
(Footage of the 2017 Woody Woodpecker movie is shown, featuring the character CGI-animated in the human world)
NC (vo): Based on the animated character who became a hit in the 40s, (An image of the early Woody from this period is displayed briefly) the Woody Woodpecker movie targets this American icon on its most American audience... (The map of Brazil is displayed) Brazil. No joke, Brazil is where this film premiered, and they didn't even bother with a big-screen release in America; it just went straight to DVD.
NC: I don't know what kind of sign that is, but judging by the ton of people that want me to review this, I'm assuming bad.
(Footage of an 1950s Woody Woodpecker cartoon is shown over the movie footage)
NC (vo): I've no real like or dislike for Woody Woodpecker; he seemed perfectly serviceable for what his character was supposed to be. But from what I'm hearing in this film, there's a definite pecker that needs to be chopped in it.
NC: (grudgingly) Let's see what's good enough for Brazil, but apparently not us. This is The Woody Woodpecker Movie.
(Because the character is owned by Universal, the movie opens up with the company's logo)
NC (vo): Universal? Ooh! Maybe Woody's part of... (The logo of...) the Dark Universe! That's what Tom Cruise changed into at the end of The Mummy! (chuckles) And, by God, he's more scary-looking that I could have imagined.
(The camera shows a "No Poaching" warning on the tree in the Pine Grove forest, as two brother poachers, Nate and Ottis Grimes, walk past it)
Nate (Scott McNeil): (grumbles) No poaching... Hmph! (tears the warning off)
NC (vo): We open with Woody waking up in his tree to find poachers illegally hunting in the forest.
(Woody Woodpecker hangs up from a tree, observing the poachers)
Woody (Eric Bauza): This ought to be fun. (Zoom in to him) Game on! (laughs crazily)
NC: (weirded out) Definitely part of the Dark Universe.
(As Nate prepares to shoot Woody, the latter carves a target on the tree, which is presented by him twirling around like a ball. After he finishes carving, the tranquilizer dart hits bullseye)
NC: Why do his whooshing effects...
NC (vo): ...look like (photo of...) Firecracker popsicles?
(Nate and Ottis corner Woody from the sides)
Woody: Okay, boys. You got me fair and square. (The brothers shoot) Not! (Woody flies up, and the darts hit each brother in the chest)
NC: This film knows how to update Woody! Its pop-culture references are only 20 years old, as opposed to 70! (The 1990s "NOT!" shirt and the classic look of Woody in the 1940s are shown above NC)
(The Grimes brothers fall asleep on the ground as Woody talks to the audience)
Woody: And I'm the one with a brain the size of a walnut?
NC: That's the people who greenlit this!
NC: Now, there has to be a way to make this more 90s. (We switch to the inside of an office in Seattle with a businessman named Lance Walters (Timothy Omundson) presenting a newspaper to a crowd that reads "Big Win For Big Oil") Oh, look! People in suits connected to oil! Instantly bad.
NC: You duck-killing bastards! (The screenshot from Saved by the Bell episode "Pipe Dreams", showing Screech Powers and Zack Morris holding a duck named Becky who was killed by the oil in the pond, is shown)
NC (vo): And yes, that is Lassie from Psych, who is apparently being fired because he said he didn't care for wildlife in an interview.
Lance: (in an interview) Wildlife don't vote. Wildlife don't pay taxes.
NC: Though if there is human ice as Woody Woodpecker, shouldn't they?
(In the evening, Lance speaks with his girlfriend Vanessa (Thalia Ayala) in his house)
NC (vo): His plan is to create a country estate on the border of Canada to flip it and make a huge profit.
Lance: A country estate. We're gonna flip it, take a huge profit. I'm gonna start my own firm.
NC (vo): I just know the kids who wanted to see the Woody Woodpecker movie are following all of that!
(Meanwhile in the woods, Woody is shown looking at the pond at night)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, we see Woody relaxing on the pond belching...
(Woody burps. After that, we return to Seattle)
NC (vo): ...and we immediately cut away from it.
NC: Sorry, audience, that was an essential burp. The film would fall apart without it!
(Lance's ex-wife Linda (Emily Holmes) and her son Tommy (Graham Verchere) appear at his door)
NC (vo): But his ex-wife and presumably ex-son drop by to tell him that her father died and she needs him to watch her son for a while. (Beat) A...pparently enough time to build an entire house. Yeah, they're together for a while in this film. That's a lot of time off.
Lance: (to Linda) I'm sorry, Linda. The timing is just really bad. I'm sorry, I would like to help you, but I can't. And that's final.
NC: Now, I'm just gonna have you take...a wild guess, as to what they cut to next. (The variants pop up as NC says them) A: The son with the father; B: Who cares what the rest are, because you know it's obviously A!
(Sure enough, we cut to Lance driving his van with Vanessa and Tommy)
Lance: My hands were tied. You saw that.
Vanessa: Yeah, I know.
NC: (through clenched teeth, shrugging) That's what the director thought was funny.
Tommy: (to Lance) I know you don't want me here. The only kid you want in your life is your girlfriend.
NC: (shaking head slowly) There are sooo many wrong ways to interpret that.