Woody Woodpecker (2017)
April 3, 2018
(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, followed by 2018 title sequence)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Remember the nightmare fuel in Son of the Mask? I know, which one?
(Four of such scenes from Son of the Mask appear around NC: Neuman's face being popped off his head; Tim as the Mask dancing with his face really close to the camera; Baby Alvey's head turning into that of Woody Woodpecker; and a whole bunch of babies with vampire fangs)
NC: (pointing towards Alvey's Woody Woodpecker head) This one.
(The scene is played in full: Alvey's head turns into that of Woody Woodpecker, doing his signature laugh, freaking out Tim)
NC: Imagine that for an hour and a half. Don't want to? I did, (becomes angry) AND YOU'RE GONNA SUFFER WITH ME!
(Footage of the 2017 Woody Woodpecker movie is shown, featuring the character CGI-animated in the human world)
NC (vo): Based on the animated character who became a hit in the 40s, (An image of the early Woody from this period is displayed briefly) the Woody Woodpecker movie targets this American icon on its most American audience... (The map of Brazil is displayed) Brazil. No joke, Brazil is where this film premiered, and they didn't even bother with a big-screen release in America; it just went straight to DVD.
NC: I don't know what kind of sign that is, but judging by the ton of people that want me to review this, I'm assuming bad.
(Footage of an 1950s Woody Woodpecker cartoon is shown over the movie footage)
NC (vo): I've no real like or dislike for Woody Woodpecker; he seemed perfectly serviceable for what his character was supposed to be. But from what I'm hearing in this film, there's a definite pecker that needs to be chopped in it.
NC: (grudgingly) Let's see what's good enough for Brazil, but apparently not us. This is The Woody Woodpecker Movie.
(Because the character is owned by Universal, the movie opens up with the company's logo)
NC (vo): Universal? Ooh! Maybe Woody's part of... (The logo of...) the Dark Universe! That's what Tom Cruise changed into at the end of The Mummy! (chuckles) And, by God, he's more scary-looking that I could have imagined.
(The camera shows a "No Poaching" warning on the tree in the Pine Grove forest, as two brother poachers, Nate and Ottis Grimes, walk past it)
Nate (Scott McNeil): (grumbles) No poaching... Hmph! (tears the warning off)
NC (vo): We open with Woody waking up in his tree to find poachers illegally hunting in the forest.
(Woody Woodpecker hangs up from a tree, observing the poachers)
Woody (Eric Bauza): This ought to be fun. (Zoom in to him) Game on! (laughs crazily)
NC: (weirded out) Definitely part of the Dark Universe.
(As Nate prepares to shoot Woody, the latter carves a target on the tree, which is presented by him twirling around like a ball. After he finishes carving, the tranquilizer dart hits bullseye)
NC: Why do his whooshing effects...
NC (vo): ...look like (photo of...) Firecracker popsicles?
(Nate and Ottis corner Woody from the sides)
Woody: Okay, boys. You got me fair and square. (The brothers shoot) Not! (Woody flies up, and the darts hit each brother in the chest)
NC: This film knows how to update Woody! Its pop-culture references are only 20 years old, as opposed to 70! (The 1990s "NOT!" shirt and the classic look of Woody in the 1940s are shown above NC)
(The Grimes brothers fall asleep on the ground as Woody talks to the audience)
Woody: And I'm the one with a brain the size of a walnut?
NC: That's the people who greenlit this!
NC: Now, there has to be a way to make this more 90s. (We switch to the inside of an office in Seattle with a real estate lawyer named Lance Walters (Timothy Omundson) presenting a newspaper to a crowd that reads "Big Win For Big Oil") Oh, look! People in suits connected to oil! Instantly bad.
NC: You duck-killing bastards! (The screenshot from Saved by the Bell episode "Pipe Dreams", showing Screech Powers and Zack Morris holding a duck named Becky who was killed by the oil in the pond, is shown)
NC (vo): And yes, that is Lassie from Psych, who is apparently being fired because he said he didn't care for wildlife in an interview.
Lance: (in an interview) Wildlife don't vote. Wildlife don't pay taxes.
NC: Though if there is human ice as Woody Woodpecker, shouldn't they?
(In the evening, after getting fired, Lance speaks with his girlfriend Vanessa (Thalia Ayala) in his house)
NC (vo): His plan is to create a country estate on the border of Canada to flip it and make a huge profit.
Lance: A country estate. We're gonna flip it, take a huge profit. I'm gonna start my own firm.
NC (vo): I just know the kids who wanted to see the Woody Woodpecker movie are following all of that!
(Meanwhile in the woods, Woody is shown looking at the pond at night)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, we see Woody relaxing on the pond belching...
(Woody burps. After that, we return to Seattle)
NC (vo): ...and we immediately cut away from it.
NC: Sorry, audience, that was an essential burp. The film would fall apart without it!
(Lance's ex-wife Linda (Emily Holmes) and her son Tommy (Graham Verchere) appear at his door)
NC (vo): But his ex-wife and presumably ex-son drop by to tell him that her father died and she needs him to watch her son for a while. (Beat) A...pparently enough time to build an entire house. Yeah, they're together for a while in this film. That's a lot of time off.
Lance: (to Linda) I'm sorry, Linda. The timing is just really bad. I'm sorry, I would like to help you, but I can't. And that's final.
NC: Now, I'm just gonna have you take...a wild guess as to what they cut to next. (The variants pop up as NC says them) A: The son with the father; B: Who cares what the rest are, because you know it's obviously A!
(Sure enough, we cut to Lance driving his van with Vanessa and Tommy)
Lance: My hands were tied. You saw that.
Vanessa: Yeah, I know.
NC: (through clenched teeth, shrugging) That's what the director thought was funny.
Tommy: (to Lance) I know you don't want me here. The only kid you want in your life is your girlfriend.
NC: (shaking head slowly) There are sooo many wrong ways to interpret that.
(Lance, Vanessa and Tommy arrive in the Pine Grove forest and unpack their stuff)
NC (vo): They get to where they're going to build the house and decide to make a little food.
(Lance puts the BBQ on the ground, but it falls. Tommy laughs as he films a video of this via his smartphone)
Lance: Don't you dare post that.
Tommy: Too late. #EpicDadGrillFail.
NC: (as Tommy, "holding the smartphone") Both of my followers are gonna love this. (resumes "typing")
(A park ranger Samantha Bartlett (Jordana Largy) comes to Lance, Tommy and Vanessa)
NC (vo): One of the rangers named Sam introduces herself and lets them know that they've been having problems with bird poachers. (Woody is shown scratching himself on the trash can) Not enough problems, in my opinion!
Samantha: I hear you're building a house up here.
Lance: (shows his replica model of an investment home) 5,000 square feet, every amenity.
Samantha: Don't you think it'll kind of overwhelm the landscape?
NC: And, for some reason...
NC (vo): ...it looks like (pictures of...) an ice cube tray turning into the Wolf of Wall Street boat.
(Tommy, alone at the picnic table, hears the woodpecker's knocking. Woody then comes out of the trash can)
NC (vo): The son comes across Woody, who immediately has a hankering for some snacks.
Woody: Are those Peanut Butter Bonkers? (flies to the "Please Do Not Feed the Animals" sign) I'm a sucker for peanut butter! Come on, brother. Share the wealth, spread the love. Hook me up.
Tommy: What are you trying to tell me?
NC: (as Tommy) I'm just a pawn character. I can't actually think in this movie!
(Woody destroys the "Please Do Not" part of the sign, and Tommy throws him the snacks)
NC (vo): The two seem to form a friendship...I guess, despite the film stopping to tell us otherwise...
(Just as Tommy is about to pet Woody, the shot freezes as Woody addresses the audience again)
Woody: Hey, don't let the mushy music fool you. We're not friends or anything. I'm only doing this for the free food. (returns to his position)
NC: (as Woody, high-pitched voice) I'm what you call "a food prostitute".
Tommy: I'm gonna call you..."Woody".
Tommy: You like that name? "Woody"?
NC (vo; as Woody): Funny how I can speak English, yet apparently I never had a name.
NC: (still as Woody) My mother used to call me "Jonathan" before she was eaten by Yogi the Bear. (Pause) That's right, Woody's got a backstory. Nobody ever asks!
(Woody visits the family at lunchtime, freaking them out, and eats almost all of their food)
NC (vo): He comes across the rest of the family, and they do not take to his rascally ways or ass humor.
(Woody does his signature laugh as he flies and farts in sync with the laughing)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, when I said "ass humor", I literally meant ass humor.
NC: (points at the picture of buttocks) Remember, the butt is always a treasure trove to shit.
(At night, Woody awakens Lance by pecking trees. Lance walks outside to confront Woody and throws his hat at him, but Woody catches it and fills it with pinecones)
NC (vo): Woody also keeps them up at night, making pecking sounds in the forest.
Lance: Give me that back right now! (Woody throws the cap at his face and knocks a conga rhythm)
NC: (hand on cheek) You know, how many times you get to say "I miss the walrus"? (The shot from the 1947 short "Well-Oiled" is shown, showing one of the classic shorts' antagonists, Wally Walrus, as the policeman)
(The next morning, construction on the investment home begins, prompting an agitated Woody to cause chaos at the site)
NC (vo): Lassie brings in the bulldozers to start building the house, but Woody tries to stop them.
(Woody prepares to poop at one of the people at the side, which is actually presented by a beeping target onscreen)
Woody: (offscreen) Eeny, meeny, miny, moe! (He picks Vanessa as his victim) [Bombs] away!
Vanessa: The bird!.. (A poop falls on her hair, disgusting her and Lance)
Woody: (offscreen) How's that for an eviction notice?
Vanessa: (almost vomits) No!
NC: I do not recall so much focus on anus in the original cartoons. But it's been a while. Maybe I remember him differently.
(The clip from the cartoon "Pantry Panic" (1941) is shown, featuring Woody and a hungry cat)
Woody: You must be pretty cold, buddy.
Cat: (waves off) No.
(As Woody shoves the cat in the stove, NC overdubs him)
NC (vo; as Woody): Butt, shit, butt, butt, butt, shit, butt, shit, goddamn ass!
NC: Huh, I guess I was wrong.
(In a nearby town, Tommy enters a music store, takes a guitar and plays it. A girl named Jill (Chelsea Miller) comes to him)
NC (vo): The son goes into a guitar store and meets a girl who works there.
Jill: I'm Jill.
Tommy: Uh, I'm Tommy.
Jill: Are you visiting?
NC: I'm just gonna let you take...a wild guess as to what their relationship is going to be.
(As Tommy demonstrates his guitar skills to Jill, the variants once again pop up as NC lists them)
NC (vo): A: Bank robbers, B: If I don't say anymore, maybe it will be bank robbers.
Jill: I can make you a really sweet deal on that guitar if you like.
NC (vo): She tells him if he joins her band, she'll let him have the guitar for free, (gets confused for a bit) because I guess she's the store owner now, and he comes across some bullies, who, even by stock bully standards, have a pretty weak reason to hate him.
(Two bullies, Chris (Patrick Lubczyk) and John (Ty Consiglio), confront Tommy)
John: This is our road, and we didn't give you permission to use it.
Chris: Hey, you don't get off that easy.
NC: (as John) Hey, never mind that. Look at that kid. He's got EYES!
(Woody flies to Chris and John and, once again, transforms into a rolling ball as he damages their clothes and leaves them in their underwear. They run away in embarrassment)
NC (vo): Woody comes in to save him, though, and ends this scene as abruptly as it starts.
Woody: Nobody messes with my BFF! And by that, I mean "Bringer of Free Food". (The curtain transition comes up) See ya!
NC: (as Woody) Yeah, we didn't have a segue. Or a plot. Or writers. But I sound great in Portuguese!
(A clip from a Brazilian Portuguese dub of the movie is shown)
Woody: (speaking in Portuguese) That's how it's done in Woody Woodpecker style!
NC: (as Woody) Oh, my God. No, I don't. Why did we make this?!
(Tommy returns to Lance and Vanessa)
NC (vo): He tells his dad that Woody saved him, but neither him or the girlfriend want to hear it.
Vanessa: Do not mention that stupid bird.
Tommy: Last I remember, that stupid bird wasn't the one covered in bird poop.
NC: (as Tommy, sternly) That's his Friday night thing.
Lance: Go to your room.
Tommy: And in case you were wondering, nobody in town is happy about us building a house up here.
NC: (as Tommy) Granted, I've only talked to three people, and two of them are like this...
(Cut back to scene with the bullies)
John: This is our road, and we didn't give you permission to use it.
NC: (as Tommy) I still think it's a sound argument.
NC (vo): Things don't get that much better at night.
(Lance awakens from his sleep and sees Woody up close to him)
Woody: Here's Woody!
(The Dark Universe logo shows up with a dramatic stab. Lance once again walks outside)
Lance: You better fly outta here!
Woody: (offscreen) Yeah, right.
(A pinecone falls in front of Lance)
Lance: A pinecone? How pathe... (A bunch of pinecones fall on Lance's head)
NC: (hand on cheek) You know, I totally forgot why I'm supposed to like anything anywhere.
(The next morning, Woody continues to wreak havoc at the construction site)
NC (vo): The next day isn't any better, as Woody continues to make their lives a living hell.
Woody: Don't worry. I didn't forget about you two. (in a sinister tone) You're my favorites!
(The Dark Universe logo pops up again)
Woody: (presses a button) Oops!
(The wet cement fills the car Lance and Vanessa are hiding in)
Vanessa: (muffled) Lance! Lance! Lance! (screams)
NC: (smirks) Not since (A clip of...) Dick Tracy have I laughed so hard at somebody drowning in wet cement.
(An angry Lance goes to meet Samantha at the ranger station. She shows him the book featuring an article about Woody's species)
NC (vo): Lassie goes to the ranger to complain about Woody's antics, but she doesn't believe him.
Samantha: The red-crowned woodpecker has been extinct for almost a hundred years. Any chance you're taking any sort of medication?
NC: Well, he's only advertised his existence as loudly as possible...
NC (vo): ...in front of many witnesses and the town...
NC: Are you sure you're not taking any medication? Worst ranger ever?
Samantha: The local Native Americans believed it was the incarnation of Marconda...
NC: (shifts eyes) Whoa. Woody's backstory is strangely complicated.
Samantha: ...God of Chaos and Mayhem, mischievous trickster who haunted the forest.
(NC is stunned at shocked at this revelation. The Dark Universe logo is shown once again)
NC: This was meant to be a kids film, right?
(We go to a commercial)