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Woody Woodpecker

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Aired
April 3, 2018
Running Time
17:05
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(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, followed by the title sequence)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Remember the nightmare fuel in Son of the Mask? I know, which one?

(Four of such scenes from Son of the Mask appear around NC: Neuman's face being popped off his head; Tim as the Mask dancing with his face really close to the camera; Baby Alvey's head turning into that of Woody Woodpecker; and a whole bunch of babies with vampire fangs)

NC: (pointing towards Alvey's Woody Woodpecker head) This one.

(The scene is played in full: Alvey's head turns into that of Woody Woodpecker, doing his signature laugh, freaking out Tim)

NC: Imagine that for an hour and a half. Don't want to? I did, (becomes angry) AND YOU'RE GONNA SUFFER WITH ME!

(Footage of the 2017 Woody Woodpecker movie is shown, featuring the character CGI-animated in the human world)

NC (vo): Based on the animated character who became a hit in the '40s, (an image of the early Woody from this period is displayed briefly) the Woody Woodpecker movie targets this American icon on its most American audience... (the map of Brazil is displayed) Brazil. No joke, Brazil is where this film premiered, and they didn't even bother with a big-screen release in America; it just went straight to DVD.

NC: I don't know what kind of sign that is, but judging by the ton of people that want me to review this, I'm assuming bad.

(Footage of a 1950s Woody Woodpecker cartoon is shown over the movie footage)

NC (vo): I have no real like or dislike for Woody Woodpecker; he seemed perfectly serviceable for what his character was supposed to be. But from what I'm hearing in this film, there's a definite pecker that needs to be chopped in it.

NC: (grudgingly) Let's see what's good enough for Brazil, but apparently not us. This is The Woody Woodpecker Movie.

(Because the character is owned by Universal, the movie opens up with the company's logo)

NC (vo): Universal? Ooh! Maybe Woody's part of... (The logo of...) the Dark Universe! That's what Tom Cruise changed into at the end of The Mummy! (chuckles) And, by God, he's more scary-looking than I could have imagined.

(The camera shows a "No Poaching" warning on the tree in the Pine Grove forest, as two brother poachers, Nate and Ottis Grimes, walk past it)

Nate (Scott McNeil): (grumbles) No poaching... Hmph! (tears the warning off)

NC (vo): We open with Woody waking up in his tree to find poachers illegally hunting in the forest.

(Woody Woodpecker hangs up from a tree, observing the poachers)

Woody (Eric Bauza): This ought to be fun. (Zoom in to him) Game on! (laughs crazily)

NC: (weirded out) Definitely part of the Dark Universe.

(As Nate prepares to shoot Woody, the latter carves a target on the tree, which is presented by him twirling around like a ball. After he finishes carving, the tranquilizer dart hits bullseye)

NC: Why do his whooshing effects...

NC (vo): ...look like (photo of...) Firecracker popsicles?

(Nate and Ottis corner Woody from the sides)

Woody: Okay, boys. You got me fair and square. (The brothers shoot) Not! (Woody flies up, and the darts hit each brother in the chest)

NC: This film knows how to update Woody! Its pop-culture references are only 20 years old, as opposed to 70! (The 1990s "NOT!" shirt and the classic look of Woody in the 1940s are shown above NC)

(The Grimes brothers fall asleep on the ground as Woody talks to the audience)

Woody: And I'm the one with a brain the size of a walnut?

NC: That's the people who greenlit this!

NC (vo): Now, there has to be a way to make this more 90s. (We switch to the inside of an office in Seattle with a real estate lawyer named Lance Walters (Timothy Omundson) presenting a newspaper to a crowd that reads "Big Win For Big Oil") Oh, look! People in suits connected to oil! Instantly bad.

NC: You duck-killing bastards! (The screenshot from Saved by the Bell episode "Pipe Dreams", showing Screech Powers and Zack Morris holding a duck named Becky who was killed by the oil in the pond, is shown)

NC (vo): And yes, that is Lassie from Psych, who is apparently being fired because he said he didn't care for wildlife in an interview.

Lance: (in an interview) Wildlife don't vote. Wildlife don't pay taxes.

NC: Though if they're as humanized as Woody Woodpecker, shouldn't they?

(In the evening, after getting fired, Lance speaks with his girlfriend Vanessa (Thalia Ayala) in his house)

NC (vo): His plan is to create a country estate on the border of Canada to flip it and make a huge profit.

Lance: A country estate. We're gonna flip it, take a huge profit. I'm gonna start my own firm.

NC (vo): I just know the kids who wanted to see the Woody Woodpecker movie are following all of that!

(Meanwhile in the woods, Woody is shown looking at the pond at night)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, we see Woody relaxing on the pond belching...

(Woody burps. After that, we return to Seattle)

NC (vo): ...and we immediately cut away from it.

NC: Sorry, audience, that was an essential burp. The film would fall apart without it!

(Lance's ex-wife Linda (Emily Holmes) and her son Tommy (Graham Verchere) appear at his door)

NC (vo): But his ex-wife and presumably ex-son drop by to tell him that her father died and she needs him to watch her son for a while. (Beat) A...pparently enough time to build an entire house. Yeah, they're together for a while in this film. That's a lot of time off.

Lance: (to Linda) I'm sorry, Linda. The timing is just really bad. I would like to help you, but I can't. And that's final.

NC: Now, I'm just gonna have you take...a wild guess as to what they cut to next. (The variants pop up as NC says them) A: The son with the father; B: Who cares what the rest are, because you know it's obviously A!

(Sure enough, we cut to Lance driving his trailer with Vanessa and Tommy)

Lance: My hands were tied. You saw that.

Vanessa: Yeah, I know.

NC: (through clenched teeth, shrugging) That's what the director thought was funny.

Tommy: (to Lance) I know you don't want me here. The only kid you want in your life is your girlfriend.

NC: (shaking head slowly) There are sooo many wrong ways to interpret that.

(Lance, Vanessa and Tommy arrive in the Pine Grove forest and unpack their stuff)

NC (vo): They get to where they're going to build the house and decide to make a little food.

(Lance puts the BBQ on the ground, but it falls. Tommy laughs as he films a video of this via his smartphone)

Lance: Don't you dare post that.

Tommy: Too late. #EpicDadGrillFail.

NC: (as Tommy, "holding the smartphone") Both of my followers are gonna love this. (resumes "typing")

(A park ranger Samantha Bartlett (Jordana Largy) comes to Lance, Tommy and Vanessa)

NC (vo): One of the rangers named Sam introduces herself and lets them know that they've been having problems with bird poachers. (Woody is shown scratching himself on the trash can) Not enough problems, in my opinion!

Samantha: I hear you're building a house up here.

Lance: (shows his replica model of an investment home) 5,000 square feet, every amenity.

Samantha: Don't you think it'll kind of overwhelm the landscape?

NC: And, for some reason...

NC (vo): ...it looks like (pictures of...) an ice cube tray turning into the Wolf of Wall Street boat.

(Tommy, alone at the picnic table, hears the woodpecker's knocking. Woody then comes out of the trash can)

NC (vo): The son comes across Woody, who immediately has a hankering for some snacks.

Woody: Are those Peanut Butter Bonkers?! (flies to the "Please Do Not Feed the Animals" sign) I'm a sucker for peanut butter! Come on, brother. Share the wealth, spread the love. Hook me up.

Tommy: What are you trying to tell me?

NC: (as Tommy) I'm just a pawn character. I can't actually think in this movie!

(Woody destroys the "Please Do Not" part of the sign, and Tommy throws him the snacks)

NC (vo): The two seem to form a friendship...I guess, despite the film stopping to tell us otherwise...

(Just as Tommy is about to pet Woody, the shot freezes as Woody addresses the audience again)

Woody: Hey, don't let the mushy music fool you. We're not friends or anything. I'm only doing this for the free food. (returns to his position)

NC: (as Woody, high-pitched voice) I'm what you call "a food prostitute".

Tommy: I'm gonna call you..."Woody".

Woody: Huh?

Tommy: You like that name? "Woody"?

NC (vo; as Woody): Funny how I can speak English, yet apparently I never had a name.

NC: (still as Woody) My mother used to call me "Jonathan" before she was eaten by Yogi the Bear. (Pause) That's right, Woody's got a backstory. Nobody ever asks!

(Woody visits the family at lunchtime, freaking them out, and eats almost all of their food)

NC (vo): He comes across the rest of the family, and they do not take to his rascally ways or ass humor.

(Woody does his signature laugh as he flies and farts in sync with the laughing)

NC (vo): Oh, yeah, when I said "ass humor", I literally meant ass humor.

NC: (points at the picture of buttocks) Remember, the butt is always a treasure trove to shit.

(At night, Woody awakens Lance by pecking trees. Lance walks outside to confront Woody and throws his hat at him, but Woody catches it and fills it with pinecones)

NC (vo): Woody also keeps them up at night, making pecking sounds in the forest.

Lance: Give me that back right now! (Woody throws the cap at his face and knocks a conga rhythm)

NC: (hand on cheek) You know, how many times you get to say "I miss the walrus"? (The shot from the 1947 short "Well-Oiled" is shown, showing one of the classic shorts' antagonists, Wally Walrus, as the policeman)

(The next morning, construction on the investment home begins, prompting an agitated Woody to cause chaos at the site)

NC (vo): Lassie brings in the bulldozers to start building the house, but Woody tries to stop them.

(Woody prepares to poop at one of the people at the side, which is actually presented by a beeping target onscreen)

Woody: (offscreen) Eeny, meeny, miny, moe! (He picks Vanessa as his victim) [Bombs] away!

Vanessa: The bird!.. (A poop falls on her hair, disgusting her and Lance)

Lance: Oh...

Woody: (offscreen) How's that for an eviction notice?

Vanessa: (almost vomits) No!

NC: I do not recall so much focus on anus in the original cartoons. But it's been a while. Maybe I remember him differently.

(The clip from the cartoon "Pantry Panic" (1941) is shown, featuring Woody and a hungry cat)

Woody: You must be pretty cold, buddy.

Cat: (waves off) No.

(As Woody shoves the cat in the stove, NC overdubs him)

NC (vo; as Woody): Butt, shit, butt, butt, butt, shit, butt, shit, goddamn ass!

NC: Huh, I guess I was wrong.

(In a nearby town, Tommy enters a music store, takes a guitar and plays it. A girl named Jill (Chelsea Miller) comes to him)

NC (vo): The son goes into a guitar store and meets a girl who works there.

Jill: I'm Jill.

Tommy: Uh, I'm Tommy.

Jill: Are you visiting?

Tommy: Yeah.

NC: I'm just gonna let you take...a wild guess as to what their relationship is going to be.

(As Tommy demonstrates his guitar skills to Jill, the variants once again pop up as NC lists them)

NC (vo): A: Bank robbers, B: If I don't say anymore, maybe it will be bank robbers.

Jill: I can make you a really sweet deal on that guitar if you like.

NC (vo): She tells him if he joins her band, she'll let him have the guitar for free, (gets confused for a bit) because I guess she's the store owner now, and he comes across some bullies, who, even by stock bully standards, have a pretty weak reason to hate him.

(Two bullies, Chris (Patrick Lubczyk) and John (Ty Consiglio), confront Tommy)

John: This is our road, and we didn't give you permission to use it.

Chris: Hey, you don't get off that easy.

NC: (as John) Hey, never mind that. Look at that kid. He's got EYES!

(Woody flies to Chris and John and, once again, transforms into a rolling ball as he damages their clothes and leaves them in their underwear. They run away in embarrassment)

NC (vo): Woody comes in to save him, though, and ends this scene as abruptly as it starts.

Woody: Nobody messes with my BFF! And by that, I mean "Bringer of Free Food". (The curtain transition comes up) See ya!

NC: (as Woody) Yeah, we didn't have a segue. Or a plot. Or writers. But I sound great in Portuguese!

(A clip from a Brazilian Portuguese dub of the movie is shown)

Woody: (speaking in Portuguese) That's how it's done in Woody Woodpecker style!

NC: (as Woody) Oh, my God. No, I don't. Why did we make this?!

(Tommy returns to Lance and Vanessa)

NC (vo): He tells his dad that Woody saved him, but neither him or the girlfriend want to hear it.

Vanessa: Do not mention that stupid bird.

Tommy: Last I remember, that stupid bird wasn't the one covered in bird poop.

NC: (as Tommy, sternly) That's his Friday night thing.

Lance: Go to your room.

Tommy: And in case you were wondering, nobody in town is happy about us building a house up here.

NC: (as Tommy) Granted, I've only talked to three people, and two of them are like this...

(Cut back to scene with the bullies)

John: This is our road, and we didn't give you permission to use it.

NC: (as Tommy) ...I still think it's a sound argument.

NC (vo): Things don't get that much better at night.

(Lance awakens from his sleep and sees Woody up close to him)

Woody: (in the manner of Jack Torrance from The Shining) Here's Woody!

(The Dark Universe logo shows up with a dramatic stab. Lance once again walks outside)

Lance: You better fly outta here!

Woody: (offscreen) Yeah, right.

(A pinecone falls in front of Lance)

Lance: A pinecone? How pathe... (A bunch of pinecones fall on Lance's head)

NC: (hand on cheek) You know, I totally forgot why I'm supposed to like anything anywhere.

(The next morning, Woody continues to wreak havoc at the construction site)

NC (vo): The next day isn't any better, as Woody continues to make their lives a living hell.

Woody: Don't worry. I didn't forget about you two. (in a sinister tone) You're my favorites!

(The Dark Universe logo pops up again)

Woody: (presses a button) Oops!

(The wet cement fills the car Lance and Vanessa are hiding in)

Vanessa: (muffled) Lance! Lance! Lance! (screams)

NC: (smirks) Not since (A clip of...) Dick Tracy have I laughed so hard at somebody drowning in wet cement.

(An angry Lance goes to meet Samantha at the ranger station. She shows him the book featuring an article about Woody's species)

NC (vo): Lassie goes to the ranger to complain about Woody's antics, but she doesn't believe him.

Samantha: The red-crowned woodpecker has been extinct for almost a hundred years. Any chance you're taking any sort of medication?

NC: Well, he's only advertised his existence as loudly as possible...

NC (vo): ...in front of many witnesses and the town...

NC: Are you sure you're not taking any medication, worst ranger ever?!

Samantha: The local Native Americans believed it was the incarnation of Marconda...

NC: (shifts eyes) Whoa. Woody's backstory is strangely complicated.

Samantha: ...God of Chaos and Mayhem, mischievous trickster who haunted the forest.

(NC is stunned and shocked at this revelation. The Dark Universe logo is shown once again)

NC: This was meant to be a kids film, right?

(We go to a commercial. After coming back, we're shown Woody continuing on pestering the people on the construction site. To make things even worse, Woody turns on the gas in the trailer)

NC (vo): So we quickly see why Woody is an endangered species, because he endangers every species he comes across.

Woody: (to the audience) Anybody else smell gas? (Cut to him rubbing hands deviously outside) Wait for it...

(Vanessa lights the match, and the trailer explodes)

NC: Okay. Woody's a serial killer!

NC (vo): He takes joy in the slaughtering of others and thinks nothing of the consequences. He even brings death to humor.

(Vanessa walks out, startled and charred)

Woody: Ew! Definitely swipe left.

NC: (wearily) Weren't there poachers in this movie?

(Vanessa packs up and leaves the Pine Grove forest. At night, Lance and Tommy discuss their relationship)

NC (vo): The girlfriend finally leaves after somehow surviving that, and the son apologizes for the situation.

Tommy: Sorry. About Vanessa. I know you liked her.

Lance: Sometimes, things don't work out the way you planned.

NC: (as Lance) You have a hit show for years, and sometimes, this is the movie you get.

(Lance meets Nate and Ottis at the cafe and hires them to hunt Woody down)

NC (vo): Lassie comes across the two poachers and asks them to remove the woodpecker, to which they accept, because they know they can sell him for tons of cash.

(Tommy, Jill and the latter's friend, Lyle, enter the poachers' hideout)

NC (vo): So the kids stumble across the place where the poachers stuffed their animals.

Nate: (suddenly appearing behind the kids' backs) What...are you doing here?

NC (vo): Oh, my God, what's gonna happen to them?...

Nate: (shoos the kids away) Get outta here! Go! Go!

NC: ...Well, that was anticlimacticly reasonable.

NC (vo): You had a chance to kill three of the main characters, and you blow it!

(We're shown Woody inside his wooden house singing the remix of "Everybody Thinks I'm Crazy")

NC (vo): Who am I kidding? We still have to deal with this Universal monster.

Woody: (singing) That's what I'm cracked up to be, / I chop a hole in every tree! / Knock on wood...

NC: (arms crossed) And I thought the (Clip of...) "Be Our Guest" rap in Descendants was...also awful. I can't even make the joke out of that.

(Lance, Nate and Ottis take out a female woodpecker toy and put it outside for Woody to come. He does so while the three watch him in a hideout)

NC (vo): Woody smells peanut butter, though, as the poachers have a plan to catch him.

Woody: (to the "female woodpecker", speaking sensually) Mind if I join you? (turns to the camera, dropping the act) Is it just me, or is there something kind of (freezes in place) wooden about this chick?

NC: Oh, I don't know. So far, she's the best actor in the whole thing.

(Woody escapes the cage falling on him, so the poacher brothers fire the heat-seeking tranquilizer darts out of their guns)

NC (vo): The trap doesn't work, though, as they try sending heat-seeking tranquilizers after him.

(A chase scene begins, with Woody trying to get away from two darts in the trees. Cut to a clip from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, showing Luke and Leia being chased by the Stormtroopers on a speeder)

Luke: Get alongside that one!

(Back to the movie, Woody manages to direct the darts right into the poachers' behinds. They once again fall asleep. Woody then shoots out the electric net, and it covers Lance and electrocutes him)

NC (vo): It hits the poachers in the ass, as Woody decides to fire an electric net on Lassie.

Woody: Smile! (He takes a picture of an electrocuted Lance via smartphone)

NC (vo): Wow. That is terrifying.

NC: Just add that to the collection of...

(The photo is shown with four stills of various tortured people in Saw movie series)

NC (vo): ...Saw victim pictures you have!

(Exasperated, Lance reluctantly attempts to surrender to Woody by giving him crackers, but Woody agrees to let him and the workers continue with their construction, as long as he is given crackers every day)

NC (vo): So Lassie tries to be nice by constantly offering Woody snacks if he just leaves him alone. So the moral is, bribery fixes everything.

(Woody is shown inside his house, surrounded by multiple boxes of Peanut Butter Bonkers)

Woody: I know what you folks are thinking. Woody is a big, fat sellout.

NC: Long before the film started, yes.

(It is shown that the investment home's building has been finally completed)

Woody (vo): I let them build their dream house in peace.

NC: Okay, even the Bear in the Big Blue House would say that's too much blue.

NC (vo): But, whatever. The house is made, and there's...still a half hour left. What the hell else is there to do?

(A Firefly Festival is organized soon after, and we're shown Lyle at the hot dog eating contest)

Jill: Lyle, come on!

(Cut to Lyle eating all of the hot dogs and receiving the winner's cup)

Host: And we have a wiener!

(Tommy and Jill cheer for Lyle)

NC: ...I guess that.

NC (vo): Oh, wait. More poop jokes!

(Woody poops on Ottis' ice cream, and when he eats it, he doesn't notice and actually likes the taste)

NC: You know, this is the only movie I can think of that can make Kevin Costner's urine look delicious.

(Jill and Tommy are ready to perform at a stage, but Lyle comes down with indigestion)

NC (vo): The kids plan to perform at the fair, but it looks like the drummer gets sick.

NC: I'll let you take...a wild gue- Just play it.

(Woody helps the kids by playing the drums he made out of empty cans behind the curtain while Tommy and Jill perform "What I Like About You")

Tommy: (singing) [Keep on] whispering in my ear, / Tell me all the things that I wanna hear...

NC (vo): I'm sure those cans can get that kind of percussion.

Tommy: (singing) [That's what] I like about you!

(The audience, including Lance, applauds)

NC: (as Lance, clapping his hands cheerfully) I especially love the invisible drummer we can't see!

(The little girls release the fireflies in the sky to end the festival. Meanwhile, realizing that having humans around isn't a bad idea, Woody heads to the investment home and carves a mural picturing him, Lance and Tommy together above the fireplace)

NC (vo): The fair releases a bunch of fireflies, because...I don't know, whimsical. Hey, it matches this last-minute attempt to throw some heart into Satan's doorstop here.

Woody: Just because I'm one of a kind doesn't mean I can't be part of a family, too, right?

NC: (as Woody) I mean, I maimed and tortured them through 90% of my screen time. That has to be love.

(As Woody signs his name into the carving, he accidentally burns the house down after hitting exposed wiring. Ashamed of his mistake, he flies back to his tree. Enraged, Lance hires Nate and Ottis back the next morning)

NC (vo): But he accidentally starts a fire, burning the place down. And, of course, Lassie gets pissed off at him, hiring the poachers back.

(Nate shoots out a taser, which shocks Woody)

NC: (smiling with glee) Oh, can I get an endless loop of that for my screensaver?

(The scene is repeated three times)

NC: (whispers, relieved) You're so justified.

(After Tommy runs off to rescue Woody with Jill and Lyle, Lance finds the mural Woody has created in the scorched remains of the house)

NC (vo): But Lassie comes across something in the rubble.

Lance: Woody...

NC: (as Lance) Aw. He signs his arsons.

NC (vo): No! He was just making a family portrait, which, of course, excuses why would he never told him that he was the one who burned the place down.

NC: I'm fine if it makes the movie go faster.

(In the hideout, Nate speaks with four millionaires from various countries via video calls, trying to sell Woody at an online black market auction)

NC (vo): The poachers try to auction off Woody among four millionaires...

NC: Because, clearly, they would have that contact info.

(Nate and Ottis notice Tommy, Jill and Lyle coming closer to Woody's cage and capture them)

NC (vo): ...as the kids try to sneak in and save him. But they get caught and thrown in a cage.

Woody: (sticking out between jail bars, addressing the poachers) I'll peck you new ones. And I ain't talking about nostrils!

NC: Okay, you can swim through the gaps in that cage. Mouse Trap is a better holding device!

(Lance and Samantha enter the hideout and confront the poachers, but Nate effortlessly knocks Lance out. Thus, everyone is captured)

NC (vo): Lassie and the ranger show up, though, to do jack shit.

NC: Is anyone that worth in this movie?

(As Nate grabs a tranquilizer, Lance tilts his cage towards Woody's so he can free him. Woody attacks the brothers in the same style as shown two times before: a blue ball of violence)

NC (vo): Lassie leans his cage over, though, and lets Woody out, allowing him to turn the poachers into a giant CG ball of yarn. They really are getting more lazy with every effect, aren't they?

(Nate and Ottis attempt to flee to Canada on mini jeep as Woody chases them)

NC (vo): They ride away, though, with Woody chasing them down.

Woody: I'm coming to get ya!

NC: (as Woody, grinning) I'm gonna add your picture to my collection!

(It turns out the border between the US and Canada is pretty easy to cross and is unguarded. Woody carves a hole in the middle of a bridge, and the brothers fall into the river below, where they are later found by the police)

NC (vo): They pass the friggin' easiest Canadian border to cross...I guess "Permanently Closed" means lightly locked...but Woody knocks the ground out from under them.

Woody: Heya, fellas. Remember me?

(Nate and Ottis, shivering with fear, hold out their hands to be cuffed)

Nate: Please! Lock us up!

NC (vo; as Nate): Just take us out of this movie so we can start proper careers!

Woody: Who are you calling crazy?

(He laughs madly, making weird faces. Cut to the Dark Universe logo once more)

NC: Okay, that's the last one. I can't promise that.

(The movie ends with Woody flying to the camera, but getting stuck in the closing iris. He frees himself)

Woody: Boy, someone's in a hurry for the credits.

NC: At last, this movie said something right! This film is (angrily imitates Woody's laugh) a-a-a-awful, a-a-a-awful!

(The clips from the 2017 movie are shown for the last time as NC lists his closing thoughts)

NC (vo): I can see why this only got a DVD release in America, and I apologize to Brazil for having to witness it on 50-foot screens. This film is like a Nickelodeon movie of the month, except somehow it actually makes me pray to see SpongeBob. It looks as bad as it sounds, it sounds as bad as it looks. It's unfunny, it's annoying, it's worth flying as far away from as humanly possible.

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it...despite how much I don't want to.

(He gets up and leaves. The credits roll, followed by the Channel Awesome logo)

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