Wild Wild West
August 16, 2016
(We start off the episode with the green band for a coming attraction before coming to Jim Jarosz and Tamara Chambers on the couch with gloves on her hands)
Jim: Jessie, why don't you hang out with anyone? It's like...you don't want anyone to get close to you.
(He reaches out to Jessie's hand, only for her to pull away)
Narrator (Malcolm): A reclusive shut-in...with a powerful secret.
(Jim touches Jessie's hand and gets a jolt)
Jessie: Anyone I touch becomes incredibly strong...to the point of being invincible. No one should have that much power.
(Jim is shown lifting a huge piece of machinery with just one arm, making her quite concerned. We then cut to Malcolm Ray coming out of a car while also wearing gloves)
Narrator: An eccentric businessman...
Doug: Hey, Elsa, think you're gonna take off those gloves today?
Narrator: ...moving up in the world.
(Malcolm touches Doug with his bare hand. Doug is shown stumbling around the room)
Malcolm: Anyone I touch becomes incredibly sick. Usually...to the point of death.
(Doug soon falls down dead)
Narrator: A mysterious stranger (Fard Muhammad) who knows why.
Stranger: (Talking to Jessie on the phone) I've been following you for some time. I know what you are.
Narrator: And a battle... (Jessie and Malcolm are in a dimly lit room with the Stranger)
Jessie: Tell us what's going on here.
Narrator: ...there's no turning back from.
Stranger: It's all very simple. The two of you must destroy each other.
(Malcolm and Jessie are now walking towards each other, taking their gloves off)
Narrator: See the most disturbing film of the year. Not because of its commentary. Not because of its psychological portrayal. (Jessie and Malcolm reach out to touch each other) But because it's not...based...on...anything.
(Jessie and Malcolm look at the camera)
Narrator: I said it's not... based.. .on anything.
(The two run back inside and dump out old comics onto the floor)
Jessie: It has to be based on a comic!
Narrator: It's not based on a comic.
Malcolm: It's gotta be based on a movie.
Narrator: It's not based on a movie.
Jessie: Maybe it's based on a show that wasn't bad, wasn't great, but still deserved more of a chance.
Narrator: It's not based on Pushing Up Daisies.
Jessie: Damn it!
(We're back in the dimly lit room)
Malcolm: How can we take a gamble on something without a fanbase?
Stranger: You'll just have to be interesting.
Stranger: Not relying on nostalgia.
Jessie: You inhuman monster! (The Stranger laughs evilly)
A Black Guy Who Was Always Written As a Black Guy
Malcolm: Wait, I wasn't originally written as a white dude?
And A Woman Who Was Always Written As a Woman.
Jessie: Wait, I wasn't originally a white dude?
Malcolm: How are we supposed to cause controversy on the internet?
Narrator: You actually have to say something new... (The two gasp) relevant... (gasp!) and rely on word of mouth after it comes out.
Narrator: Face the horrors of... Something Original. It's like a bad dream.
(The Nostalgia Critic soon wakes up from that bad dream, already sitting in his chair, and looks around before seeing the DVD for Wild Wild West)
NC: Oh, thank God.
(And we come to the opening!)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. In 1965...
(An image of The Wild Wild West TV show is shown)
NC (vo): ...a primetime Western comedy aired on TV called Wild Wild West.
NC: And that's all you need to know. The movie has no connection beyond that.
(The movie's title is shown before we are shown clips of the movie)
NC (vo): Based on the series about a duo of cowboys who get into gun-slinging adventures, the movie goes for a slightly different take, with Will Smith as the lead, a steam-powered wheelchair with a drunk Kenneth Branagh attached, and a giant mechanical spider blowing up cities with fireballs.
NC: That's the big screen adaptation I would think of with a show like this.
(A clip from the show is shown)
Jim West (TV show): Don't judge a house by its shutters.
Artemus Gordon (TV show): And how about windows?
(Back to clips from the movie)
NC (vo): Not only was this known as the worst film from Kevin Kline, the worst film from Kenneth Branagh, and the worst film from Barry Sonnenfeld...for the moment... (A poster of Nine Lives is shown) but this was the movie that busted Will Smith's success streak. After leaving his smash show (Fresh Prince of Bel Air) and making gigantic hits all in a row (Images of Independence Day, Men in Black, the single Gettin' Jiggy Wit It, and Enemy of the State are shown), this was the first film to have us say, "Damn it! We have to hate Will Smith in something!" Granted, we would eventually get used to that feeling... (A poster for After Earth is shown)
NC: ...but this was the movie that started it!
NC (vo): Did the show even have that big a following to throw this much money at it? Did they think kids were really gonna get excited for a Western from the 60s? It's one of Hollywood's biggest headscratchers.
NC: So what the hell went wrong? Well, saddle up and get ready to cry into the sunset. This is Wild Wild West.
(The movie begins with a professor being chased by a magnetic spinning blade)
NC: And you immediately lost me. How'd you do that? How'd you...? Was that a second? Was that even a second?
NC (vo): That was amazing. What would make me want to know what happens to a man with a hubcap neck brace being chased by a plastic pizza from the Ninja Turtle toys?
NC: This movie raises questions. Like, why would I want to watch this movie?
NC (vo): We then cut... (Imitates a rimshot as the man is shown getting killed by the blade) ...to Will Smith making love in a water silo. (Chuckles) Trust me. This isn't the only time a large group of people will taste Will Smith not giving a shit.
(As Jim West and his girl make love in the water silo, West stops and listens to some people and horses outside as the girl continues kissing him)
NC: Mmm, that's good algae!
(West continues listening to what's happening outside as the girl continues kissing him)
West: I'm not working.
NC: Oh, don't worry, Will. Nobody will think you're working when you're in this film.
(The girl puts a cover on the hole West was looking through)
Girl: Problem solved.
West: Hold on there, Belle. You can't just go ramming a man's personal things into some hole like that.
NC: Actually, this film was PG-13 before that meant PG, so you might want to change that.
(The line is changed to "A STUPID Line!")
NC: That worked.
NC (vo): But it just be raining black people in New York as he falls out of the silo and onto a bunch of smugglers.
(A naked West is confronted by three men)
Man: Well, well. We got us a shy nig--
(West punches the man before he can finish. A clip from Blazing Saddles is shown)
Samuel Johnson: What did he say?
Olson Johnson: The sheriff is near!
(The caption "One of Surprisingly TWO Blazing Saddles References Made in This Review!" is shown with a ta-da sound)
NC (vo): He goes to figure out where these smugglers came from, so he traces them back to a brothel where... (The film's other main character, Artemus Gordon (Kevin Kline), is shown disguised as a female prostitute) Kentucky Fried Jesus!
Gordon: (To a man, speaking in a high female voice) I'm very flattered, but I'm just not interested.
NC: Okay, does this Western take place in progressive times or is that honestly supposed to fool us?
Gordon: (Speaking with his woman voice) Oh, I'm so sorry. That won't be possible. I have a...tonsillitis.
NC: (Imitates Gordon's woman voice) I identify as unfunny.
Man: You gotta be interested. You're a whore!
(Gordon turns back and speaks normally)
Gordon: I work alone! (Uses a gadget disguised as a flower on his dress to punch the man unconscious)
NC (vo): Huh. Thought you were above the obvious booby trap line, huh? Well, don't worry. There's plenty of other unfunny lines to make up for it, like when we see how Donald Trump inspects his wives...
NC: Hey, he sacrificed a lot.
NC (vo): ...and one of the henchmen chooses Kline.
(While in a room together, General McGrath looks at another gadget of Gordon's, one that shows spinning circles to hypnotize McGrath)
NC (vo): Oh, hey! Now we know how Michael Bay gets people to see his movies.
NC: You ever really step back and look at Megan Fox? (An image of Megan Fox in Transformers is shown with a Photoshopped image of Gordon's hypnotizing gadget)
Gordon: Now tell me. Who was in that sack in the other room? Which scientist is it? Is it Dr. Escobar? Who do you work for? Who paid you to kidnap Escobar?
NC: (As Gordon) And tell me who's stopping me from being humorous until Bob's Burgers*!
- Note: Kevin Kline voices Mr. Fischoeder in the show.
(West breaks into the room)
NC (vo): Smith interrupts, but a wagon of explosions is sent hurtling towards them.
(West and Gordon are shown confronting each other at gunpoint)
West and Gordon: Now what?
(The wagon full of explosives crashes into the tavern and destroys it in a large explosion)
NC (vo): It blows up the tavern and... (The film fades to a scene of Washington) ...we'll just assume they survived.
NC: Yeah, it's kind of like (image of...) Batman in a death trap. Who really cares how he escapes outside of everybody?
(West is showing riding through Washington. Cool hip hop music is dubbed over the scene)
NC (vo; as West): Hey, everyone. Um...I was looking for the tone. Does anybody know the tone? I'm getting kind of a Baz Luhrmann-Mel Brooks thing. Is that what we're doing? (West is shown confronting Gordon, who is disguised as the President) I mean, I see Kevin Kline in more obvious bad makeup, so I didn't know...oh. Oh, oh, we're supposed to fall for that?
NC: I mean, uh, who is that person obviously not Kevin Kline?
(President Grant, also played by Kevin Kline, is shown)
NC (vo; normal): Yeah, he does a dual performance in this as both the spy and President Grant for...honestly no reason except to give the impression that he's great at disguises.
Gordon: (As President Grant) I am the President... (West cocks his gun, causing Gordon to speak normally) I'm Artemus Gordon. How did you know?
West: The President went to West Point. That says Harvard.
NC: Also, you're terrible at what you do.
NC (vo): Yeah, the comedy behind these disguises doesn't work if they're this obvious. How much funnier would it be if when he's dressed up like a woman, they hired a real woman, like his makeup is that good? Or even if he's gonna look like himself, why not have the voice of a real woman come out of his mouth? There's like a million ways that this could actually be made funny. But nope. Instead, they're just like, "Hey, did you see Fierce Creatures? Neither did anyone else! So we can steal from that!"
President Grant: One day it's going to get you killed.
NC (vo): He talks about all these kidnapped scientists, and, of course, wants Smith and Kline to work together because, ha-ha.
West: I don't need Intelligence to tell me that.
Gordon: No, you'd rather rely on stupidity.
Grant: Look, you two are the best I've got.
NC: (confused) Really?
Grant: Find this madman, whoever he is.
NC (vo; as Grant): And please do so with half the props from Jackie Chan's Around the World in 80 Days.
(West and Gordon ride off, with West on a horse and Gordon on a rocket-powered bike. A clip from A Fish Called Wanda is shown)
Otto: (Driving in a car) Asshole!
NC (vo): Smith catches up with Kline's awful green screen, but Kline's awfully pointless trampoline floor leads to Kline's awfully unfunny knee-slapper.
(Due to the trampoline floor, West ends up falling into the train and right next to Gordon sitting down on a chair)
Gordon: How nice of you to drop in.
NC: (As Gordon) Do you like that line? I got it from Fuller House.
Gordon: I was putting the final touches on my latest invention.
Gordon: The Impermeable.
NC: Yeah, I knew you would make that.
NC (vo): So they put a light in a man's head to see the last thing he saw before he died... (NC rubs his face in annoyance before continuing) ...and realize that they have to go to a costume party to figure out who's the villain behind it.
West: I'd go as a government agent who's going to shoot and kill General "Bloodbath" McGrath.
Gordon: An armed, Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white Southern former slave owners.
NC: Yeah, why did the President choose a black guy to blend into the Deep South?
NC (vo): But, per Kline's ever-expanding fetish, he wants Smith to dress up as a woman.
(The train driver looks at West and Gordon dressing up and overhears what they say)
Gordon: Afraid you're wrong. Touch my breasts. Just one. Touch one.
West: Okay. You happy, Gordon? I'm touching your breasts.
Driver: I knew it. (Begins walking away)
Gordon: Wait, wait, wait. Squeeze it gently. (West squeezes Gordon's fake breast) Not that hard.
(NC is completely unamused, then suddenly smiles)
NC: Let's measure the awkwardness from the faces you're making right now!
(We are shown Malcolm and Tamara watching that scene on TV, as we see their reactions being shown through captions and arrows as NC speaks)
NC (vo): You might notice a lack of laughter and an inability to find joy.
NC: You'll find that your face has entered the Dazed and Abandoned Mode.
(A close-up of Malcolm is shown to describe that mode)
NC (vo): This is when you slip into a hypnotic state of annoyance where you want to be angry, yet all emotion has been drained from you, to a point where you don't even care or remember why.
(We continue watching this scene, where Gordon takes a fruit off of his fake breast)
Gordon: Now you've shifted all the buckwheat around.
West: Buckwheat? That's your problem. (Pours water into the buckwheat and shows it to Gordon) Now touch my breast. (The train driver hears that, too)
NC: Upon further inspection, we now see that your face has entered the Hollow Mode.
(A close-up of Tamara is shown to describe that mode)
NC (vo): This is where your mind has left your body, leaving you, like the movie, an empty hollow shell. You feel nothing, want nothing, so we'll take nothing.
(Back to the scene, where Gordon touches the buckwheat)
West: Ooh, huh? Now that's what a breast is supposed to feel like.
Gordon: Very nice.
NC: The next phase is called the Dead Mode.
(A close-up of Malcolm is shown to describe that mode)
NC (vo): You are physically dead right now. You have surrendered your life to this awful moment, and it has claimed you. You discover that the afterlife is bleak and meaningless.
(Back to the scene, where the train driver begins walking away again)
West: Now touch yourself.
Gordon: Oh, my God, I'm hard. (The driver stops walking when he hears that)
NC: And finally, we have the Zombie Mode.
(A close up of Tamara is shown to describe that mode)
NC (vo): Just when you thought death was the end, it turns out to only be the beginning. The pain, suffering and long-lasting thirst for blood will lead you on a quest to search for brains but find none from anyone who has been associated with this movie.
NC: I'm sorry. I'm...just...sorry.
NC (vo): So Smith sneaks into the party, where he sees a dancer, played by Salma Hayek, being forced against her will to make love to a man and even gets choked to partake in his kinky sex games. (West sees the woman, Rita, in a cage, and after taking a look at her, he leaves) Well, sucks to be her. Off you go, Will Smith. Sometimes a bitch just gotta be choked.
(West meets another woman named Mae Lee)
Mae Lee: What a terribly clever costume, Mr...
West: Jim West.
NC: (As West) Yeah, kind of wondering why I snuck in here if nobody was going to question why I was here.
Mae Lee: West meets East. Mae Lee East.
NC (vo; as West): Oh, by the way, there's a woman getting strangled and...uh, never mind.
Mae Lee: See anybody that looks familiar?
(West sees a woman hanging out at the party, thinking it's Gordon in disguise)
West: As a matter of fact, I do.
NC (vo; as West): Her name is Joke Everyone Can See Coming Where It's Actually A Lady This Time And Not Kevin Kline In Drag.
NC: It's Norwegian, I think.
NC (vo): Give the villain some credit for having arguably the weirdest fucking intro everyone's ever seen in a Western.
(As four girls sing Abraham Lincoln's theme, a giant Abraham Lincoln statue is rolled out)
Girls: (singing) His truth is marching on!
(When the music stops, Lincoln's head suddenly explodes, and out pops the head of Dr. Arliss Loveless (Kenneth Branagh))
NC: (Chuckles) I don't think Bugs Bunny could've come out that smoothly.
(The scene of Loveless revealing himself is shown again, with a slide whistle up sound effect)
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Don't you just hate that song?
NC (vo): I feel like Branagh missed his true calling as a Whack-a-Mole.
(NC is shown trying to use a mallet to hit several Whack-a-Mole heads of Loveless saying "Don't you just hate that song?". Loveless comes out in a steam-powered wheelchair)
Loveless: Why, you all look like you've seen a ghost.
NC (vo): This is Dr. Loveless...because every doctor with the word "Love" in his name has to be in a wheelchair...and he seeks revenge for the South losing the war. Smith, however, plans to stop him by making obvious jokes.
West: I find that an occasion to stand up.
Loveless: I haven't seen him in a coon's age.
West: A man of your stature to keep in touch with even half the people you know.
Loveless: Perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from being a slave to your disappointment.
West: They encourage you one minute, then cut the legs out from under you the next.
NC (vo; as Loveless): Your mama's so fat, she almost ate the black off you. (As West) Your mama's so fat, you're in a wheelchair. (Normal) So Smith tells Kline to meet him outside. (West approaches Gordon and the woman; Gordon's in disguise as the man talking with the woman. An arrow points this out) Kline being obviously here and not here, but the film thinks we don't know that.
West: (To the woman, thinking it's Gordon) You're in for a big surprise when you get this one in the saddle.
(The woman is stunned)
NC: Keep holding my hand, movie. Make sure I don't poop myself.
NC (vo): In fact, they think you're so dumb that they actually end up doing this joke twice. Maybe they think the first time they did it was so subtle that they just had to spell it out more.
(After West accidentally touches the woman's breasts, Gordon, in disguise, calls for the crowd)
Gordon: Hang him!
NC (vo): As the crowd wants to hang Smith for touching the woman's breasts, but figure it's crueler to let him hang himself, for there is a solid two minutes of Will Smith just talking on its own, and...it's painful. It's so painful. It's like watching a flame war on the YouTube comments: not funny, not smart and everybody loses.
(While standing next to the hanging rope, West speaks to the whole crowd)
West: The whole drumming on the boobies thing. All I was saying to the gal was, "Nice dress, darling. Good to see you. My name's Jim. How's your mama?"
NC: You can actually see Will Smith's worth dropping with every joke that bombs.
(As the scene goes on, we see a line which describes Smith's box office worth plummeting down, from $200 million to $30 million)
West: The whole slavery thing, I don't understand what the big deal was, anyway. I mean, come on. Who wouldn't want folks running around doing things for them, doing chores? Then there was the Redneck comment. First word: Red. Color of passion, fire, power. Second word: Neck. (Tries to think of a meaning) Neck.
(Cut to another clip from Blazing Saddles)
Harriet Johnson: Isn't anybody gonna help that poor man?
(The caption "That Was the Second Blazing Saddles Joke!" is shown with a ta-da sound. Then another tiny caption pops up saying, "Not the one you thought of, was it?")
NC (vo): But Kline saves him, while also saving Hayek, as apparently, nobody can catch up to this incredibly slow-moving carriage of non-speed.
NC: Slower! Slower!
Rita: My name is Rita Escobar. I came to find Guillermo Escobar, the scientist. My father.
NC (vo): By the way, if you haven't noticed yet, Hayek's performance is not exactly the most invested.
Rita: (various scenes) I'm a frightened, starving, half-naked young woman who only wants to find her father. / Nice try, buster. / What's going on? / Oh, aren't you boys nice?
NC (vo): You'd swear she's focusing less on her acting and more on eyeing the catering table, like the faster she finishes, the faster she can get to that delicious cronut.
NC: But what do you expect when you look over the director's chair and all you see is this. (An image of an empty chair is shown) Yeah, he's off to figure out how not to work with Tommy Lee Jones. (Smiles as an image of Josh Brolin is shown)
NC (vo): Branagh approaches his Confederate henchman, but it looks like the movie wants to kill itself as much as we do.
(One of Loveless' gadgets, a large steam-powered, weapon-contained tank train, is shown killing various soldiers, much to the shock of McGrath)
McGrath: You sawed-off sadistic bastard!
Loveless: You surrendered at Appomattox! So who betrayed whom?
NC: (As Loveless) As one half of Gary Oldman, both literally and figuratively, I need my evil dial to wave my practicality.
NC (vo): How's this for a joke? He kills the guy with the horn in his ear as the dog takes a look, recreating the RCA logo.
NC: That'll get all you young'uns rolling in the aisles! (Sighs) Every minute, this movie brings a new sigh I didn't know I could make.
NC (vo): But, hey, after 50 minutes of boob jokes, steam tanks, and exploding Abe Lincoln heads, let's get serious for a moment.
(West, Gordon and Rita look over the carnage Loveless has caused)
Gordon: You saw it?
West: Heard about it. A week before the war ended in '65, I was with the 9th Cavalry. We discovered old folks, women and children slaughtered. They used them for target practice.
NC: Women and children used as target practice! (Dance and raps) Wild Wild West! When I'm strollin' to the Wild Wild West!
NC (vo): Oh, man, this movie's really saying something. Obviously, it really earned this super dramatic, grim moment. Let's allow the emotion of this incredibly disturbing imagery to sink in......with jokes about Salma Hayek's ass, which immediately follows.
(We are shown several scenes of West, Gordon and Rita hanging out in the train)
Gordon: (Not knowing Rita's in the room with him) God, the curvature of her buttocks...
NC (vo): I'm not even kidding. The very next scene is just making jokes about her ass.
Gordon: She's a breath of fresh ass.
West: You said "ass".
Gordon: She's a breast of fresh air.
West: Let's just get some shut-ass.
NC: Totally makes you forget about the whole "women and children being used as target practice" fuck!
NC (vo): I do wish more movies would mix Pluto Nash-style humor with Holocaust imagery.
NC: You know, this film's so harsh and empty, I feel like Nietzsche wrote something about it. (An image of Friedrich Nietzsche is shown with the caption, "Humor is dead, and Wild Wild West killed it") Well fucking said.
(And we go to a commercial)
(When we come back, we see Loveless' tank train pursuing the train the heroes are on)
NC (vo): So it looks like Branagh's train tries to attack our heroes, but Hayek, being quite the whiny little cry-baby, uses the gas ball to accidentally knock out Will Smith.
(Gas is sprayed, leaving West unconscious. Cut to a scene in the grass, where West and Gordon awake, wearing collars)
NC (confused): I...uh...did we miss a scene?
(Loveless is on the train, and is talking to West and Gordon via megaphone as the train rides away)
Loveless: What a marvelous train. You don't mind me borrowing it, do you, gentlemen? Aside from a lack of wheelchair access, I find it a most comfortable way to pass the long miles from here to my laboratory...
NC (vo): Uh, yeah, try monologuing before the train leaves.
NC: I'm not sure how much of that they're gonna pick up.
NC (as Loveless): (speaks and laughs as the train leaves, making it look like they can't hear him)
NC (vo): So, like before, a buzzsaw flies towards them to try and take their heads off. And here I thought those collars were used to stop them from chewing off any more scenery.
(Cut to West and Gordon falling through a hole, and both buzzsaws collide, exploding)
NC (vo): They outrun the saw, but the magnets seem to go haywire in their collars.
(West kicks the collar, resulting in both of them falling and West's foot stuck on the collar)
Gordon: You alright?
West: Yeah, I'm just peachy. Can you help me get my boot off, please?
(Gordon tries to get the boot off, resulting in Gordon stepping on West's crotch)
West: Hey, hey!
Gordon: Oh, sorry.
(Cut to NC, with a confused look)
West: All right, Gordon. I'm gonna undo your belt. I'm gonna run as fast as I can that way, you run as fast as you can that other way.
(Cut to NC, with an even more confused look)
Gordon: Let me make sure I understand your plan. You're gonna run as fast as you can that way, and I'm gonna run as fast as I can that way.
NC: So, um... (clears throat) Was there anybody left in the theater at this point?
NC (vo): Was there anyone person who was like, "I wanna see where this is going. I put my trust in this, that this will lead somewhere worthwhile"? Even the insects who eat off the theater floor are like...
(Cut to Doug, Malcolm and Tamara dressed as mosquitoes in an empty theater)
Doug: Hey, where did all the people go?
Malcolm: Yeah, there's usually more food on the ground than this.
Tamara: Is there a reason that the projector just hung himself with the film strip?
Malcolm: Could it be that this movie has something to do with it?
Doug: I don't know, let's watch.
(Cut to a projection of the movie)
West: Gordon, I think you need to calm down.
Gordon: I can't be calm! No, no, no! I'm the master of the mechanical stuff! And I have to help you! You, the master of the stupid stuff!
(Cut to the theater again, where Doug is left alone. It turns out that Malcolm is spraying Tamara with Raid, and then he sniffs it so they can both die)
Doug: Oh, that's just selfish! Now who's gonna gas me?
NC (vo): So they escape and finally see what Branagh has been working on this whole time. A great big mechanical spider.
(West and Gordon watch as Loveless' giant mechanical spider passes over them)
NC (vo): So Smith and Kline try to leap into action.
West: You do know how to ride, don't you?
Gordon: Yes, I know how to ride.
West: A horse.
Gordon: Yes, when the situation calls for something primitive.
West: How about now? There's a gigantic spider stomping toward our President.
(Closeup of West's face)
NC (vo): And in that very moment, right after saying that line, Will Smith realizes, "I said yes to the script".
NC: Look at his face. You can totally see it in his eyes. You fucked up, Will.
NC (vo): The spider makes its way to the president with Branagh steering it.
(Cut to a closeup of Grant's face as he sees Loveless' spider for the first time)
President Grant: Good Lord.
NC (as Grant): That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
NC (vo): They do to Will Smith what should have been done to this movie, (West gets shot by one of Loveless' henchwomen) as we're stuck with several long minutes just hearing Branagh prattle on.
(Cut to a room in which Loveless is giving a speech to a large crowd of his henchmen)
Loveless: The wrongs will be righted, the past made present, the United...divided! (The crowd applauds)
NC: Okay, if I wanted to watch Branagh overacting not knowing what he's saying, I'd watch (poster of...) Henry V.
Loveless: We make this as legal as possible. And, personally, I like the symmetry of it.
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, I forgot. It's a Sonnenfeld movie. So, we have to have weird shots for the sake of just having weird shots.
NC: I usually don't mind, except that he's way too in love with this one angle.
NC (vo): Seriously, count how many times they cut back to his pillow-cheap mug spinning around like a drunk bumper car.
(We see several bits of Loveless's speech, but sped up, and with a "Nauseous Chair Cam Count" that counts all the way to 5)
Loveless: 1776, wasn't it, old bean? Manhattan, for a handful of beads. (Raises his hand, like an Injun (Native-American)) How. The wrongs will be righted, the past made present. (The crowd applauds) And, personally, I like the symmetry of it.
NC: Why would anyone keep cutting back to the same shot of a person just sitting down?
(A "Nostalgia Critic Chair Cam Count" appears, with a ridiculously high number, ironically, NC has unknowingly proved himself to be a hypocrite)
NC (vo): Smith realizes the movie left him, so he tries to figure out a way to sneak inside the spider.
NC: And it's... (sighs) ...just watch.
(Cut to West, dressed like an Indian girl, dancing. Gordon is confused, while Loveless is entranced)
NC: Yep, a very select number of nightclubs are made very happy right now, while everyone else watches in awkward discomfort.
(Cut to West wiggling his fake boobs and making moves, while Loveless watches in amazement)
NC: What I love about this scene is that Branagh's been addressing this gigantic crowd of people this whole time, and then, he just stops out of nowhere to get horny and forces everybody to watch him.
NC (vo): It's like if a football coach was giving a speech and was like:
NC: (as coach) I want you to look deep inside yourselves and find that special-- Ooh, a hot cheerleader! (Coach is hypnotized)
Football player (off-screen): Um, coach...are you okay?
NC (as Coach): Everything stops when my pants are jumping!
F.P. (off-screen): Well, uh, can we at least go?
NC (as Coach): You will watch my advances! (is even more hypnotized) Hey, baby.
(Back to the scene)
Loveless: Well, what a nice surprise.
NC (vo; as Loveless): Hey, there. I made a bunch of racist comments earlier to a man who looks just like you, but I'm suddenly gonna forget all that and say hubba-hubba! Oh, you kid!
(We see a later scene of West, Gordon and President Grant being held captive by Loveless on his spider)
NC (vo): But the break-out plan doesn't work...
NC: Well, actually, it does. They just go through the same pattern of dumb lines and getting captured again. (The scenes that are shown before the captive scene are shown) Because if it's broke, don't fix it.
NC (vo): ...resulting in Smith fighting off his henchmen while Branagh destroys a random town.
(Cut to the spider destroying the town)
NC (vo; as civilian): Huh, Don't know how we didn't see that coming a literal mile away. I really should pay attention to more current events.
(Cut to West in the spider's engine fighting a guy with knives for hands, hanging him)
West: That's it, no more Mr. Knife Guy.
(Cut to NC, affected by the bad pun)
NC: So, which Game of Thrones death would you like to give this movie? Red Wedding's always good. The Poisoned Goblet, always a classic. Have they ever stuffed a horse inside somebody?
NC (vo): But it's okay, because just as Smith looks like he's about to get axed off...
(Loveless' last remaining henchman, a robotic-looking man, is about to kill West, but suddenly deactivates and falls down)
NC (vo): Um, your guess is as good as mine. I have no idea that was.
NC: I guess if you explain anything anymore, the terrorists win.
(We see Loveless confront West while walking with mechanical spider-like legs)
NC (vo): But Branagh turns into a spider himself...
NC: Because that one idiot who watched this all the way through has to be punished somehow.
NC (vo): But the machine gets out of control and walks its way off a cliff. Branagh is killed, Smith and Kline are awarded by the President, and we're all reminded that Salma Hayek was in this movie, oh, yeah.
(West and Gordon meet with Rita once more)
Rita: I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you. Professor Escobar is not my father, he's my husband.
NC (vo): Well, so, not only did she contribute nothing, like, at all, but she was already taken this whole time.
NC: This quote/unquote "twist" is so lame that even the main characters point out how it makes no sense!
West: (smiles) You could've told us that from the beginning, Rita.
NC (vo): Look at the expression on Kline. He legitimately has no idea why this was a thing. Her character, the romance, why she lied about her husband being her father... Not one goddamn answer!
NC: I think they cut before he grabbed the camera and stabbed anybody who dare look him in the eye!
NC (vo): And what high joke do they go out on to end the film?
(Cut to West and Gordon riding in the desert)
Gordon: Mind if I ask you a question?
West: Actually, I do, Artie.
(The camera pulls back to reveal that they're both riding the giant spider into the sunset)
NC (vo): Um, I'll share it with you when they actually give one*.
*(To be fair, Gordon's question was supposed to be about who should be Agents #1 and #2)
NC: Comedy! (beat) That is what this was meant to be, right?
(Scenes of the movie play out as NC gives his final thought)
NC (vo): This is one of the biggest high-budget cinematic question marks. At least with most bad, unfunny films, you have an idea of what they were going for and it just didn't work. This is like an anti-comedy. Just scenes that happen and they're not really sure if they're funny or adventurous or dramatic, just as long as you're somehow suffering. The chemistry between the characters is non-existent, the effects are not very good, the jokes are uncomfortable at best, and the amount of dead air in between them could fill the spaces between stars. And on top of all of that, it's based on an idea that I'm sure is fine for its time and has a small audience, but very clearly had no success guaranteed in any part of it, even with all the money and celebrities. To put this comedy simply, I just don't get it.
NC: But at the very least, we know it can't do anyone else any more harm. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it...
(Doug, still as a mosquito, appears off-screen)
Doug: Hey, buddy. Could you, like, use that can of Raid on me?
NC: Uh, sure.
(He sprays Raid on Mosquito Doug)
Doug: God bless you, sir. (dies)
NC (confused): I remember it so you don't have to.
(He gets up and leaves. The credits roll. Cut to Channel Awesome Tag, this time without audio from either the movie or the review)