And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Where The Wild Things Are."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
Knock knock. Who's there? Spoilers!
So, there's this movie that's based on this children's book.
One of the greatest children's books I've ever seen in my life!
It's about a kid who goes to an island.
He finds a bunch of monsters.
They have a good time.
And then he goes back home.
...It was incredible!
Why can't more children's books be that way?
It was simple, not complimacated!
Unlike that other book "Green Eggs and Ham"!
Oh wait, that was my dinner.
So, in the movie there's this boy.
And he declares himself king of the monsters!
And I'm like "No, you're not! You don't look anything like Godzilla!"
So, he gets in an argument with his mommy.
If by argument you mean biting her neck!
I bit someone's neck once!
You know, the president is not a good sport.
So, the mother tries to punish him and send him to his room.
So, the kid does the only sensible thing he can think of.
He climbs in a boat and sails away to an island full of monsters!
And so he comes across all the monsters there.
And one of them is voiced by Tony Soprano!
And he's like *Soprano impression* "Grr! Yo, I'm a monster. You got a problem with dat? If you do, I'll friggin' eat you!"
He's a mobster monster!
So, the monsters declare the little kid the king of the monsters.
And they're like "What's our first order of business, king?"
And the kid is like *shrugs* "Do stuff."
So, they run around doing stuff.
But then the kid is like "Let's do bigger stuff!"
So, they build a giant Death Star made out of toothpicks.
And one of the monsters is like "I want you to meet Bob and Terry!"
And it turns out Bob and Terry are these two owls from "Harry Potter."
And everybody loves them...except for the Soprano monster.
He's like "Nah, I don't like these two pigeons. I think they should be whacked!"
But Bob and Terry defend their case.
Eh, can't argue with that.
So, the monsters start to suspect that the kid is not really a king.
So the kid is like "We had fun doing stuff."
"But the stuff has gotten old."
"But I shall leave in an optimistic, melancholy manner."
So, the kid goes away on his little raft.
And the monsters start howling into the sky.
I love that cereal.
And it loves you!
So, the kid returns home where his mother is waiting.
And at first she gives him a great, big hug.
And then they're like... *He stares blankly into space for a few moments*
So, you might be wondering what's the moral of the story, kids?
The moral of the story is...deal with it!
Just...deal with it!
Your family's not perfect? Deal with it!
You're trapped on an island with monsters? Deal with it!
You live in a pine cone where people occasionally urinate on you and throw feces at you always saying that they left their change at home even though I see them pay for a hooker just on the side of the street?!
A hooker that could pleasure them probably not nearly as well as I could?!
Deal with it!!! *sniffles* Have a good cry and then deal with it!
Bite your finger *does so* until it starts to bleed, cry, and deal with it!
Forget this cruel, horrible world, die alone in the dark, then bite your finger until it starts to bleed, cry, and deal with it! *sobs*
Oh, and also eat your vegetables.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw, c'mon, help a guy out, will ya? C'mon, change!
Come on! I could show you where the wild things REALLY are! Just don't have any cops around.