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What Do You Mean? vs. Stitches
Date Aired
November 20, 2015
Running Time
17:25
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Todd plays "What Do You Mean?" on the piano...

JUSTIN BIEBER - WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

...holds it...

AND

...and plays "Stitches."

SHAWN MENDES - STITCHES

Todd: It's...it's what, 2015, right? 2015, almost 2016. We have to start dealing with the fact that Justin Bieber is still here.

Clip of "Baby Ft. Ludacris"
Justin: Oh-a-a-a-a-a

Todd: [demonic voice] Biiiieeeebbbbbeeerrrr. Eh, okay, fine.

Todd (VO): He's not Bieber anymore, he's just regular Justin Bieber. The time to hate...

Todd: ...Justin Bieber has passed.

Clip of "One Time"

Todd (VO): I mean, yeah, I still have some residual hate left over for the little punk, but most of that was based on who he was back, like, five years ago. We all remember what it was like, we all hated him. And yes, it may have been a tiny bit overblown. But let's not forget that he was, in fact, the worst.

Justin: Whatever you want, shorty, I'll give it to you

Todd (VO): The worst. He was just this unbearable little turd who sang things like "shawty" in the whitest, lamest way possible.

Todd: But you know, what more could you expect? He was...what, 14? Of course he was obnoxious; his balls hadn't dropped yet.

Clip of Jack Ü (Skrillex and Diplo) with Justin Bieber - "Where Are Ü Now"
Justin: Can't deny it

Todd (VO): It's 2015 now. Bieber's a lot older, he's changed, and...yeah, I'll admit he's gotten a lot better, so I wanna give him credit for that. Yes, he may have started out the most insufferable little shit in music, but over time,...

Todd: ...I think he's actually become very...dull and uninteresting.

Clip of "If I Was Your Boyfriend"

Todd (VO): Seriously, he's a completely flavorless singer, he adds absolutely nothing to a song, he's a non-entity.

Todd: Which is an improvement.

Todd (VO): But, you know, who cares anymore? I certainly haven't in a long time. And I think Bieber must have sensed that apathy building up, because as he's become a less hateable singer, he's made up for it by being a much more hateable person.

Clip from ABC News
Judge: Mr. Bieber, you are charged with the following: DUI, alcohol or drugs...

Todd (VO): If you remember, Justin Bieber had an absolutely miserable 2013, when it seemed like he was just determined to put himself in the ugliest light possible. It was almost like a joke, week after week, month after month, [clip from Fox News and cover of tabloid: "Bieber Goes Bonkers"] headline after headline of Justin Bieber being a douche. It seemed pretty certain that he heading towards either the saddest or the funniest episode of Behind The Music ever.

Todd: And you could tell that the music industry felt the same way 'cause they were scrambling to find a replacement for when Bieber completely flamed out.

Clip of Cody Simpson - "Pretty Brown Eyes"

Todd (VO): But it turns out, finding a marketable teen idol is actually kinda difficult, because no one ever managed to find a solo act that could take Bieber's place. Not sure why, they certainly tried several times.

Todd: I guess they just never found someone with Bieber's star quality.

Clip of Austin Mahone ft. Pitbull - "Mmm Yeah"
Austin: Mmm mmm, yeah yeah
Mmm mmm, yeah yeah
Mmm mmm, yeah yeah

Todd: Uhh...

Todd (VO): I don't know. This kid's face is pretty punchable.

Todd: But is it punchable enough to make him a superstar?

Clip of Shawn Mendes - "Something Big"

Todd (VO): But it looks like finally, finally, the music industry has managed to get a potential teen idol some traction.

Shawn: Something big I feel it happening

Todd (VO): This kid is 17-year-old Canadian singer Shawn Mendes. Oh, man, I wanna kick this kid right in the balls. If I already hate him that much, that means we must finally have our new Bieber. All hail the new teenybopper superstar.

Todd: Just one problem—Justin Bieber is still here.

Video for "What Do You Mean?"
Justin: What do you mean

Todd (VO): That's right. Somehow, Bieber's career survived, all indications to the contrary. I certainly didn't expect him to outlast One Direction, I'll tell you that much.

Video for "Stitches"

So now we have two of them. Two Biebers. This is what we in the music business call...

Todd: ...the doomsday scenario. I suggest [puts a pot on his head and cocks a toy shotgun] stocking up on canned goods.

Todd (VO): So that's where we are. Bieber, even with the new competition, is still going. So now we have two Top 10 hits by two squeaky-voiced Canadians. "What Do You Mean?" by Bieber, and "Stitches" by Mendes. [Brief clip of The Weeknd - "The Hills"] And I guess there's a third squeaky-voiced Canadian, but we've already covered that.

Todd: Well, you know I am always willing to give anyone a fair shot, even if it's Justin Bieber or a low-rent clone of such. So let's see what we got here. And...let's start with the devil we know. Take it away, Biebs.

Man (John Leguizamo): You got what's mine
[Justin looks around and hands the man a large wad of money]

Todd (VO): Whoa, what? Why is John Leguizamo here? Is this gonna turn into John Wick 2?

Inside a motel room, a girl (Xenia Deli) waits. Someone knocks on the door. She goes to answer. Cut to Bieber.
Justin: What do you mean?

Todd (VO): Well, that was a lot of buildup for a very low-key song. That was kind of an anticlimax. Boy, I hope that cameo got Leguizamo enough money to finally make [poster of the original...] The Pest 2.

Justin: Hey yeah
When you don't want me to move
But you tell me to go
What do you mean?

Todd (VO): So this song is, uh...

Todd: ...yeah, really boring. So pretty much exactly what I expected from Bieber; I've got nothing to say about this. Uh...never mind, let's check out the new kid.

A certain instrument plays

Todd (VO): Wait a minute. What's that I'm hearing? Oh, no. No!

Clip of performance on Live with Kelly and Michael
Shawn: You watch me bleed until I can't breathe

Todd: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Todd (VO): When I was a kid, the slam against teen pop was, "they don't even play their own instruments or write their own songs!" I don't know why we always said that, because for some reason, a teen singer who did play an instrument was always, always a billion times worse. Oh, God, there were a bunch of them. [Clips of "Back Here" by...] BB Mak, [..."On the Way Down" by...] Ryan Cabrera, [...and "For You I Will" by...] Teddy Geiger!

Teddy: All I...

Todd (VO): Ugh! All awful.

Todd: I don't know, maybe this kid is better.

Shawn: You watch me bleed until I can't breathe
Shaking, falling onto my knees
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches

Todd: [face buried in hands] Oh my God, I hate this! Ohhh!

Todd (VO): I don't know if anyone else is gonna have the instant negative reaction that I have, but...okay, look at this.

Clip of *NSYNC - "It's Gonna Be Me"
*NSYNC: That's why it's gonna be me

Todd (VO): I don't like this song. Didn't like it then, don't like it now. Backstreet all the way. But it is what it is, you know. It's...

Todd: ...pure bubblegum. Nothing wrong with that.

Todd (VO): But songs like this Shawn Mendes thing are like [pictures of Dubble Bubble and...] bubblegum that was hidden in a sandwich. At least your average white guy with acoustic guitar is sincerely trying to fake sincerity to get into a girl's pants. These teen pop artists...

Todd: ...are a corporate marketing department pretending to be pretending to be sincere.

Shawn: I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches

Todd (VO): Good gravy, this is awful. The production is dull, the singing is boring, the hook is practically nonexistent. How the living crap did this make the Top 10?

Todd: I can't deal with this. Back to Bieber.

Todd (VO): Okay, what is this song even about?

Justin: What do you mean?
Ohh ohh ohh
When you nod your head yes
But you wanna say no
What do you mean?
Hey yeah
When you don't want me to move
But you tell me to go
What do you mean?

Todd (VO): Okay, well, I see that Justin Bieber has discovered the joy of trying to interpret mixed signals. Poor kid sounds pretty frustrated. This girl, you know, she keeps going back and forth, she can't decide. You know...

Todd: ...she seems to make decisions at random. You know, kinda like a...

Clip of "Eenie Meenie"
Justin: Shawty is a eenie-meenie-miney-mo lover
Shawty is a eenie-meenie-miney-mo lover

Todd: Yeah, you see what I mean about him improving, right?

Justin: What do you mean?
Ohh ohh ohh
When you nod your head yes
But you wanna say no
What do you mean?

Todd (VO): Well, she wants to say no. What she...

Todd: ...probably means is no. Just...stands to reason. Probably should've figured that out already. Although, side note, it's a damn good thing...

Todd (VO): ...for Bieber that the line is, "you say yes, but you mean no,"...

Todd: ...instead of the reverse. [Brief clip of "Blurred Lines" by...] Thanks, Robin Thicke, for taking that bullet. Your stupidity will be a cautionary tale for years to come.

Justin: What do you mean?
Oh, what do you mean?
Since we're running out of time
What do you mean

Todd: Yeah, this is still not doing anything for me. What's the other one about?

Transcript in progress

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