What About School Spirit?

What About School Spirit?
Released	February 26, 2013
Running time	14:39
Link	http://atopthefourthwall.com/linkara-riffs-what-about-school-spirit/
Tagline	Linkara riffs on a short less about school spirit and more about the glory of Bob Corby.
Previous	The Gossip
Next	Thought for Food & Arranging a Buffet Supper

NOTE: Linkara's riffs are voiceovered.

(Fade in on the production logo: "A Young America Production presented by McGraw-Hill Book Company", with the logos for both in both lower corners)

Linkara: So, how do I get the McGraw-Hill and Young America merit badges in the corner there?

(Dissolve to the first part of the title: "Discussion Problems In Group Living")

Linkara: "Discussion problems in group living", also known as "Pay your half of the rent or I'm kicking you out of the apartment!"

(Dissolve to the actual title card: "What About School Spirit?")

Linkara: Hey, I have school spirit! In the other school, anyway.

(The film begins: a car is seen driving down a street up to a diner)

Linkara: (as driver) Yeah, I'll have school spirit where I can find a damn parking space!

(The car reaches an empty space and stops; the two doors open and the two occupants, a young man and woman, get out)

Woman: So this is the famous hangout, the place where Lawrence (?) every other school.

Linkara: Exposition is go!

Man: This is it. Think you'd better come in?

Woman: I don't know. I am from Westport High, you know.

Man: (taking the woman by her arm and going into the diner) I'll tell him you came from Mars.

Linkara: But she doesn't look anything like an Ice Warrior.

(The man and woman walk into the diner. Another man looks over his shoulder)

Linkara: (as this man) Oh, wow, a Martian girl! (this man smiles creepily) The smile of a man who licks your photograph every night.

(This man walks over to the man and woman at a table)

Man: Her name, Jim, her name!

Jim: Down, boy. She's my cousin.

Linkara: (as Jim) So she's mine!

Jim: (to his cousin) Sally Barber, Tom Morgan.

Tom: Your cousin? Oh, this is too good to be true!

Jim: My cousin, and I haven't seen her for a long time, so... go away. Let's (inaudible)

Tom: Jim, if I had a cousin, I'd want her to meet interesting people.

Jim: If you had a cousin like this, you'd do just what I'm doing: you'd protect her. (pushes him away)

Linkara: (as Jim) Please, cousin lady, accept my clumsy horniness.

Tom: All right, all right. Spoil sport. (walks off)

Linkara: (as Sally) Oh, God, why did you bring me here?

Sally: This is a nice place, Jimmy. Even the wolves are nice. (looks to see a bunch of students wearing armbands coming in) Why the armbands?

Linkara: (as Jim) Because they're Nazis.

Jim: Oh, they're from the high school service club. They're out ringing doorbells. We're trying to boost United Fund over the top.

Linkara: (as Jim) The drug pushers have a new way of advertising.

Jim: I got everyone on my block signed up early this afternoon.

Sally: You spent your Saturday working for the United Fund? If it were anyone but you kids from Lawrence, I wouldn't believe it. That's pretty wonderful, you know it?

Jim: Actually, we had a lot of fun doing it.

Linkara: (as Jim) Had to rough up a few people, though.

Jim: I guess the town needs United Fund.

(A waiter comes up and gives Jim and Sally each a bottle of 7-Up)

Linkara: (as Jim) Ugh, I'm gonna be hitting the bottle hard today.

Sally: You know, you've really got it here at Lawrence.

Jim: We've really got what?

Linkara: Huge lips.

Sally: Maybe you'll think I'm kinda corny, but... well, you've really got the right kind of school spirit.

Linkara: The easily-exploitable kind.

Sally: I wish the kids at Westport had a small idea of some of the things Lawrence has done.

Jim: What's wrong with Westport?

Linkara: (as Jim) My Sylvester Stallone face loves it.

Jim: You've got school spirit. I can remember how you all came down here for the football game. Man, I never saw so much.

Sally: Spirit?

Linkara: (as Sally) No, spirits. The booze was flowing freely that day.

Sally: We got a sort of school spirit, but here, it's different. Your school spirit seems to be working at everything you do. It doesn't make any difference if it's sports or debates or competition for a scholarship. We know that Lawrence High is always going to be the hardest to beat. And every student body in the state feels the same way.

Linkara: (as Sally) We've had to hire people to take out your kneecaps, boy howdy.

Sally: We're not a big school. That can't be the reason you're always on top. So what are you?

Jim: Well, gosh, it's hard to say.

Linkara: (as Jim) My huge nose probably helps.

Jim: But if you ask me, I'd say Bob Corby had a lot to do with it.

Sally: Bob Corby? (Jim nods) I don't remember Bob Corby.

Jim: Sure you do.

Linkara: (as Jim) He's the one who was groping you a minute ago.

Jim: He was president of the senior class and all state the year we were freshmen.

Sally: Oh, that Bob Corby. But he's been...

Jim: Yes.

Linkara: (as Jim) A fertilizer salesman.

Jim: He's been gone from Lawrence High a long time. But he left his mark. You know, I can remember a little bit of what it was like before his time.

(Linkara makes the "dissolve effect" noise from Wayne's World as the scene flashes back to an earlier time, set in a school gym, where a basketball game is underway and the cheerleaders (in longer-than-usual outfits) are jumping around; Jim continues in voiceover narration)

Jim: We had then what everybody thinks of as school spirit...

Linkara: School spirit equals modest cheerleader outfits.

Jim: A pep club, cheerleaders, and plenty of noise.

(Then the actual basketball game starts with both teams running up and down the court)

Linkara: (as Jim) School spirit eventually lead us to recreate Space Jam.

(Cut to a shot of a movie theater on a street at night. Various high-schoolers ran down the street)

Jim: Whenever we won, we really cut loose: snake-dances, snarling up traffic...

Linkara: (as Jim) Coke parties, hookers and blow, and wienie roasts.

(Cut to another nighttime setting, this one in a suburban area, where various cars, no doubt driven by the youths, race down the street, their headlights on very bright and horns blaring loudly)

Jim: ...and racing up and down streets, blaring car horns and yelling.

(The cars race past one house, with the lights turned on and the door opening, as an old man irritably storms out)

Jim: It's certain the townspeople didn't get much sleep, and it's a wonder somebody didn't get killed.

Linkara: So school spirit is evil?

(Cut to some youths up on some ladders next to a building, while they paint some letters over a window)

Jim: Sometimes, noise wasn't enough. Sometimes, it was kid stuff, such as painting the school initials in places where they had no business to be.

Linkara: (as one of the vandals) Steve, why are we doing this at the glue factory?

(The next day, two men walk up to the wall and notice that the initials "LHS" have been painted on)

Jim: If we'd had any sense, we'd have known all this carrying on was a discredit to the school.

(Cut back to Jim and Sally)

Jim: Then, let's see... Yes, it was still my freshman year. We had a pep assembly.

(Cut to said pep assembly, with Jim narrating)

Jim: It wasn't an unusual assembly...

Linkara: (as Jim) Until the strippers arrived.

Jim: Some band music and some Yales, the members of the team talking to the student body. But... well, I remember what Bob Corby said when it was his turn.

(A woman walks up to the podium on the stage)

Linkara: Wow! Bob Corby's hot!

Woman: And now we'll have a few words from our team captain, Bob Corby.

(Then Bob Corby himself, a toothy individual with round ears, takes the podium)