We Wish You a Turtle Christmas
December 1, 2015
(We start off the episode with Tamara Chambers coming inside)
Tamara: Ah, the first day of December. I'm so excited I decided to announce that date to myself.
(Malcolm Ray soon comes out of the review room, closing the door behind him)
Tamara: Why? What? What's going on?
Malcolm: There's no time to explain, woman! Flee! Flee!
(Explosions are heard as pieces of the ceiling start coming down around them as they run out of the building. The roof soon explodes as we witness a giant Nostalgia Critic head come out of the building! He's got a manic grin as he turns to Malcolm and Tamara)
NC: (in slow-mo) CHRISTMAS!
(His Christmas cheer is so explosive, it causes a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION!! that destroys Chicago!! NC is back to normal size, standing in the ruins of the city)
NC: Heh. I finally did it. I let my love of Christmas destroy the world. I always knew this day would come. Eh, I got a review to do. It's Christmas!
(A Christmas tree is shown)
NC (vo): The greatest time of the year is back. From Santa to snowflakes to apocalyptic flames, Christmas has anything anyone could want. And that includes Christmas specials. (Poster for The Simpsons Christmas Special. Pictures of other Christmas specials are shown: A Charlie Brown Christmas, Scooby-Doo!: Winter WonderDog, Christmas Comes to Pacland, PeeWee's Playhouse Christmas Special, He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer) Every year, dozens of specials get made in the hope of becoming a staple of the legendary holiday.
(NC sits in front of the ruins)
NC: But the special we're gonna talk about today is a staple for a different reason. One that you have to say, "By God, we actually did that." And that, of course, is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Christmas.
(Clips of the movie play)
NC (vo): Also known as "We Wish You a Turtle Christmas," this came out just at the time the Turtles were doing the Rock & Roll tour. (Picture of that tour on the upper right) Yep, because rapping with Vanilla Ice wasn't embarrassing enough, they decided to bring their music to the world because...nobody demanded it. Hell, they even made an appearance on Oprah to promote the tour. (Clip of the Turtles and April O'Neil on Oprah is shown) Just look at how excited those kids are. (A shot of an unamused kid is shown)
Raphael: Oh, we've been trying to talk her into an interspecies relationship for months now.
Michelangelo: Whoa, whoa, Raph!
(One shot of the crowd has a kid looking bug-eyed at this with an arrow pointing at him)
NC (vo): I think this kid's face sums it all up. As you can see, it wasn't enough that they ruined rock music. They found it necessary to ruin the holidays as well. The short isn't even that long, ringing in at a measly 22 minutes. But trust me when I say you feel every one of those 22 minutes!
NC: This short is so bad even Michael Bay took a crack at it!
(a short clip from TMNT 2014)
Mikey: How we gonna finish our hip-hop Christmas album, bro?
NC (vo): When Michael Bay is calling you a desperate sellout, you know it's gotta be bad.
NC: It's a tough one to watch whether you're a Turtles fan or not. So sit back and enjoy as it... (looking over the ruins) might be the last thing you sit back and enjoy, this is "We Wish You a Turtle Christmas."
NC (vo): So, in the radioactive sewers is New York, so neon yellow that even the taxi tires can't block them out, the turtles are singing about the fact that they're turtles...it's pretty much all the band ever sung about.
Turtles: We're the turtles and we're on the lookout! (As they sing, footage of an actual turtle crawling is shown) We're a friendly breed, that's what we're about!
NC (vo): I love that they keep cutting back to footage of real turtles, as if the costumes are so bad that they have to show you what they are supposed to be representing. But can you blame them? They look like (picture of) melting Kermit the Frog bars with bizarrely good dental work.
Turtles: We're the turtles!
(the music stops and the opening title is shown as NC speaks)
NC (vo): Oddly enough, even though it's a musical special, it goes deathly quiet when the credits pop up. As if a...moment of silence is needed for the production that's about to die right in front of you. The director of this, by the way, is Larry Osborne. If that name rings a bell, it's because his brother, (picture of) Barrie Osborne, (posters for The Lord of the Rings movies and The Matrix), produced some of the most popular movies in recent years.
NC: How do I know this? Because it's literally the only thing on (vo; picture of) Larry's IMDb page! That he did this, and his brother is Barrie Osborne! There's actually more about Barrie on his page than him!
(back to the special)
NC (vo): God, would you love to be a fly on the wall at that family reunion?
NC: (as Larry) So, brother, what have you been up to? (as Barrie) Well, I'm living off the residuals of The Lord of the Rings and Matrix movies. How about you? (Larry) Turtle Christmas. (nods and smiles) (Barrie) Do I even need to say anything? (Larry) No, you don't. (turns away sadly)
NC (vo): So we get our first musical number, if you can call it that... (beat) I'm not going to call it that...as the creators of this for a brief moment suddenly thought the turtles were Jamaican.
Leo: (Jamaican accent) Deck the Halls with pepperoni...
Turtles: Fa la la la la la la la la!
Leo: Mustard, eggplant and baloney.
Turtles: Fa la la la...
(Mikey looks directly at the audience, NC shakes his hands in fear)
NC: (screams) Don't look directly in its eyes, it eats fear!
Turtles: Fa la la la la la la!
NC (vo): So, does Leo think he's is, in fact, the tree? He just kind of put lights on himself, and never really takes them off. I'll admit, you're about as lifeless as a tree, but with you in its place, instead of giving (shows a picture of a little girl sleeping) kids dreams of sugar plums, they're most likely be dreaming the face of death from the Exorcist.
Leo: It's Christmas Eve, and all is ready!
Turtles: Fa la la la la la la la la!
Leo: No Bebop and no Rocksteady!
NC (vo): Oh, thank God for that, could you imagine what they would look like?
(A grainy picture of two guys in Bebop and Rocksteady masks are shown)
Leo: Let's all sing this fart together...
NC: Did he just say "sing this fart together"?
Leo: Let's all sing this fart together..
Note: To Doug's credit, it does sound like "fart" instead of "part"
NC: Man, even they're not hiding what a turd they're in.
Turtles: Merry Christmas to the Shredder!
(Suddenly the music goes weird)
NC (vo): (As Leo) Oh, record skipped. (As Mike) What do we do? (Leo) Just go with it.
Turtles: Fa la la la la la la la la.
NC (vo): So after that Yuletide slaughtering of a classic, they realize they might have forgotten to get a gift for their master Splinter.
Raph: Wait a minute. Are you guys telling me that nobody got a gift for Splinter? I don't believe you guys!
NC (vo): (as Raph) Well, at least tell me you got better adapters for the wires bulging out of our necks. (An arrow is pointing behind the costume's mask showing the wire) Or the backpack straps that are supposed to be our shells. (An arrow is pointing to the obvious strap in the costume) You know what? Never turn around, dude.
Raph: Now we have to get a gift for Splinter.
NC (vo): So while walking through the phenomenally lit sewers of New York and after...Mikey puts on his airplane scarf... (Mikey now has a scarf around his neck)
NC: What, is he late for his battle with Snoopy? (A picture of Snoopy flying his doghouse is shown)
NC (vo): ...the Turtles sing a song about getting a gift for Splinter.
(One of the shots has Donatello with his mouth wide open)
NC (vo): For God's sake, close your mouths! How much does it cost just to have those things close their mouths?! You're making (picture of) the Garbage Pail Kids look adorable!
Turtles: The stores will be closing, it's really late. I don't have all I need!
Mikey: With that attitude, no problemo, dude. We'll get something, never fear.
NC (vo): Well, that's a new one: Michelangelo's teeth move, but, somehow, his lips remained completely still.
NC: You know, watching the turtles costumes digress with every continuing project is kinda like watching the effects of alcohol abuse.
(Shows a photo of the turtles from the 1990s film (0 Years Alcohol Abuse), then shows a photo of the turtles from TMNT 3 (2 Years Alcohol Abuse), then a photo of the Turtles from the Coming Out Of Their Shells Tour (5 Years Alcohol Abuse), a photo of the turtles from this special (8 Years Alcohol Abuse), and finally shows the turtles from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) movie (10 Years Alcohol Abuse))
NC (vo): We then come across...I'm assuming, homeless kids, who love to play instruments that apparently make no sound.
(Cut to a girl using an upside down bucket as a drum, with no sound coming out of it)
NC: I don't think that upside-down bucket is plugged in, kid.
(Shows the girl again as the kids start to play music)
Turtles: Gotta get a gift (X5) for Splinter!
NC: They must really be used to life on the street as, apparently, half-burnt Chuck E. Cheese animatronics don't seem to phase them in the least.
Leo: An electric coffee brewer? How about a go-kart? A go-kart in the sewer, baby!
(Leo pushes a kid out of the scene)
NC: Wait a minute! Did they just push that kid out of the song sequence?
(Replays scene again)
NC (vo, as Leo): You get the hell out of here, Billy! You're not stealing our thunder! (as Donnie) Yeah, consider yourself lucky. Next time we'll feed you to Mikey's (zooms in to Mikey's crotch) sagging vagina.
NC: I think there's a cream for that.
(the Turtles continue to sing with their teeth showing)
Leo: I really can't remember! Next year we are doing all our...
NC (vo): Christ, nutcrackers show less teeth that they do!
Turtles: Gotta get a gift, gotta get a gift, gotta get a gift...
NC (vo, as little girl): Yeah, just don't look him in the face, Tommy. They steals your souls.
Turtles: Gotta get a gift, gotta get a gift, gotta get a gift, gotta get a gift...
NC (vo, as Mikey): Maybe we should just kidnap these random kids. I assume Splinter is pro slavery. (normal) It wouldn't be the first time you kidnapped and brainwashed people. (shows a picture of April O'Neil)
Raph: Uhhhh, I would just like to point out to you guys that there are only two hours of shopping left before Christmas.
NC (vo): They then stop in front of a Christmas tree, where Mikey decides to sing opera.
Mikey: (singing) In the city of New York, whose buildings reach to the sky!
NC: I don't think there's a name yet for how stupid this is.
NC (vo): What the hell do Ninja Turtles and opera have in common? It's like Dorothy Gale suddenly singing metal.
NC: (raises his voice) I said, "It's like Dorothy Gale singing metal"! (he stands up in frustration) Hello?!
(A grimy and injured Tamara hobbles into the scene. She has used part of her Dorothy dress as a sling)
Tamara: Sorry it took so long. My eyesight just adjusted from that explosion.
NC: Well, you obviously don't have the Christmas spirit like I do. Now, where's your Dorothy costume?
Tamara: I used it to mend my wounds.
NC: Oh, whatever, just do the voice.
Tamara: (Trying to sing Enter Sandman in her Dorothy voice) E-exit light, enter night. Take my hand!
NC: You're doing great.
Tamara: No, no, take my hand! My legs can't support me! Ahh!
(Tamara falls to the ground. NC sighs and kneels down)
NC: If I didn't know any better, I'd say someone was a hummy-humbugs.
Tamara: Bite my ass, you dick twit!
NC: Just for that, you get to be my new footstool.
(NC leans back and puts his feet on Tamara, who groans)
NC (vo): So you would think Michelangelo singing opera while wearing a Red Baron scarf would be strange enough, but believe it or not, the scene gets even stranger. First of all, why is there one solitary snow cloud hovering over them? There's clearly no snow in the background. Maybe God feels he can have production shut down by having it storm in one place.
NC: Fingers crossed.
NC (vo): Also, nobody seems to acknowledge this? This is clearly a New York moment as none of these people, not even Santa Claus, give a shit that there's four turtles singing under a soapy suds dispenser. Just look at Santa's reaction here. (As Santa) Um, hi? (Raph takes Santa's bell and rings it before giving it back to him) Okay, thanks for that. I'll continue helping the less fortunate while you creepily sing in front of trees. Oh, there's a Jack & coke waiting for me tonight. (Normal) Get a load of this scene. They act like they're gonna pick him up. (Leo and Raph go to pick Mikey up, but they don't even lift him off the ground) Eh, nevermind. We have a filming permit for like five minutes. We'll just scrap that scene.
Mikey: Merry Christmas, one and all!
(Donny's eyes are strangely fixed downwards at Mikey's butt)
NC (vo): Uh, Donny, you okay there? (An arrow points at Donatello) You look like you suddenly got hypnotized by Mikey's amazing ass.
(The porno music comes on as the scene focuses on Donatello, followed by a DAT ASS caption)
Mikey: In New York, it's the best!
NC (vo): By Jesus's mercy, it stops as Raph reveals they have little time left.
Raph: Hey, guys! There's only one hour of shopping left.
NC (vo): Wait a minute. A moment ago, you said it was two hours. We somehow wasted an hour on this one song? Maybe the special's not operating on how long it really is but, instead, how long it feels.
Tamara: That's what she said.
NC: No talking. (He smacks his foot down on Tamara)
(And we go to commercial)
NC (vo): So, the turtles finally get Splinter a whole bunch of gifts...after finishing practicing their ventriloquism, of course.
Raph: Dig this, dude! (holds up a comic cover) I'm on the cover, man!
NC (keeping his mouth still, while talking): I'm undercover, too. I'm a puppeteer, killing his dreams.
NC (vo): And thus, it's time to wrap. And I'll bet you'll never guess what style of music they use to do that. You guess it. Country Western, of course. Naturally, because the soothing rhythms, and zen-like process... oh, of course not, who am I kidding?! It's friggin' rap!!
Leo: It's Christmas Eve, and all my friends are here. We're wrapping up presents, it happens once a year, the wrap rap, (all) wrap rap!
NC: That's right. You are the first ones to ever make this pun.
NC (vo): I also thought of a joke when someone says they aren't going to something, and then it cuts to them doing it, but...dah! It's jus too ahead of its time.
Leo: And I put the gift aside, the wrap rap, (all) wrap rap!
NC: Blow ninja, blow ninja, blow! Blow ninja, blow ninja, blow!
Turtles: The rap wrap! (Leo) Come on, here we go, here we go.
NC (vo): Well, the only thing as good as the choreography in this number is the incredible camera work! I'm not even kidding. This is all it does throughout the entire portion. (zooming in and out constantly) You know this was intentional, or the sad operator just trying to put them in focus.
NC (as camera man): (pretending to adjust a camera lens): Ehhh, I can't find a good angle. (turns his head and pretends to talk to someone) So, when are we going to start film?!...We were!?....Eh, it's a turtle Christmas, who gives a shit!
Leo: The wrap rap, (all) wrap rap!
NC: Fun fact, this is actually the music they play when they welcome you to Hell. (Shows a familiar TV in Hell) It's a good choice, and the visual of the turtles definitely reinforces a "welcoming to your nightmares" motif.
Turtles: I sing the wrap rap!
(Screen fades to black, transitioning to the next scene)
Raph: Hey, uh, 'night, Leo. Yo, Donny. (screen fades to black) Good night, man.
Donny: Good night, Raphael.
Turtles: Nighty-night, Mikey!
NC: Have to fill up that monstrous twenty-two minute running time, somehow!
NC (vo): They wake up Christmas morning and open their gifts with Splinter, who we see for the first time in this special. And how do I describe him? Ummm....you ever have a gerbil crawl into a bathroom sink and die, and then you had to scoop him up, and not show the kids because it's just too horrendous to look at? That, plus the voice of the Trade Federation guys (Picture of Viceroy Nute Gunray) from Phantom Menace.
Splinter: (singing) On the First day of Christmas, the turtles gave to me...A pizza with pepperoni!
NC: Truly, a match made in heaven!
Splinter: The turtles gave to me....
(NC suddenly notices that the little girl from earlier is there in the sewers with them)
NC: Wait a minute! Who the hell's the girl? Oh, my God, maybe they did kidnap those kids for Splinter! She definitely doesn't look happy to be down there.
Splinter: On the Third day of Christmas, the turtles gave to me...Three skateboards...
NC (as Splinter): Two child slaves...
Splinter: And a pizza with pepperoni.
NC (vo): (As Leo) You see that, little girl? That's gonna be your dinner for eight weeks. We laminated it after we left it out for about a month.
Splinter: On the Seventh day of Christmas, the Turtles gave to me...
NC (vo): Again, I feel like this special's concept of time is a bit askewed. There are clearly no days passing in the singing of this song. Though looking at them they're probably so high that they think days are going by like seconds.
(NC's face is in a state of "glee" like the Turtles)
Splinter: Four manhole covers, three skateboards, two comic books...
NC (vo): Oh, and remember that incredible 22 minute running time they're trying their damnedest to fill? Well, that probably answers your next disappointing question. Yes, they sing the entire 12 Days of Christmas. Because the special's already made itself oh so easy to like.
Splinter: On the Eighth day of Christmas, the Turtles gave to me... Eight chopsticks, seven silk kimonos, six frisbees...
NC (vo): You know, I usually don't say this, but... If you haven't offed yourself at some point while watching this, you're probably not well. It's very rare that I say that if you haven't thought about death, then I'd be concerned about your mental health.
NC: I guess the special is just that powerful.
NC (vo): My favorite is that they purposefully flub a line. As if to say, "Yeah, even we caught on that you don't give a shit, so why the hell should we?"
Splinter: On the Twelfth day... Uh, autographs... I'm gonna catch up now. Eight, uh, no... Six? Oh, where am I? Five video games. Made it.
NC: Oh, I doubt anyone in this special "made it".
Splinter: I am greatful to you for the many the gifts you have given me. It is a time of sharing and thinking of others less fortunate than you...
NC (vo, as Splinter): Like the audience!
Splinter: Remember, my sons, that your love for me is the greatest gift that you could have bestow.
Mikey: And now, it's time for one of my all-time favourite Christmas songs. Grab a slice, let's kick it!
NC (vo): Grab a slice or, in your case, a slave. Where are they getting all these kids? Did one of the Turtles get April knocked up, and they have them for the weekend?
All: Merry Christmas from Michelangelo!
NC (vo, singing): And this weird mullet kid, who nobody knows (camera zooms up to a kid), and don't forget MC Urkle pants, clearly staying in style throughout the years!
All: We wish you a year filled with songs by Chuck E. Cheese!
NC (vo, singing): And public domain songs we can steal with ease.
NC: Ah-ah, Mike was too early on his cue there. Will just edit it out in post....Oh, who am I kidding? No one is going to edit this.
All: We wish you a Turtle's Christmas...
NC (vo): I feel really bad for this one girl (arrow points to said girl) because it looks like she's actually trying. She legitimately looks enthusiastic, and joyful in this terrifying circus of horrors. I just want to grab her and say, "Kid, it's not worth it. You won't even put this on your resume, if you know what's good for you. You look happy, but we know it's a lie. Just don't give the effort. No one else is."
(Screen fades to black)
NC: And I know it's sounds even stranger, compared to all the strangeness we've seen, but one of the most interesting things is the end credits.
(The credits play)
NC (vo): Just look at all these people who worked on this. If you truly want to do something helpful for Christmas, you'll pay for everyone of their therapy bills. This couldn't have left a good mark on them.
All: We wish you a Turtle's Christmas!
NC (vo): Yeah, I'm just going to put some quotes around that credit. I kind of doubt anyone actually "performed" in this.
NC: And just when you think you're free to escape this cauldron of disappointment, you find there's still thirty seconds left in the special, so they just keep going!
(Cut back to credits as the turtles start talking)
Raph: How about some of my favourites, like, uh, "Wrap Rap"? Was that something awesome or what, man?
Donnie: Hey, that was some Christmas Tree carol, wasn't it?
Mikey: Oh, man! It was, like, totally awesome!
NC: Oh, my God, was this on their contact?! You have to have exactly twenty-two minutes, even if our budget shows nothing, but a blank screen?!
NC: It's not even funny what they're saying. It's just uncomfortable.
Leo: Oh, come on, man! I'm trying to do the best I can! It was like, you know, last second shopping! Come on, Leo!
NC: It sounds like they're having a legitimately hostile family moment!
Leo: Have you ever tried to go out and buy a sneaker with two toes?! The lady almost, like, laughed me out of Macy's, man!
Don: And what was with that pair of sneakers you got me? They're a little too small for my feet, and I only have three toes, thank you very much.
NC (vo, as Leo): You know, why do I even have family over? Why don't I just go and die?!
NC (vo, as Raph): Yeah, who'd miss you?
(Sound of gun cocking, and then gunshot, followed by the words "In Memory of LEONARDO", accompanied with Funeral March)
NC: And that was We Wish You a Turtle Christmas. I know it might sound kind of insane, but...I actually kinda recommend it.
Tamara: Really?! (NC kicks her, not taking his eyes off the camera, and gives his closing thoughts as the clips from the special play)
NC (vo): It's so horrible, so cheap, and so ridiculous it kinda has to be seen to be believed. It's hilarious how half-assed and desperate it is. Which, in all honesty, makes for some really fun entertainment. It's just so crazy to see the end of a popular franchise do everything in its power to try and stay cool and fail on every single front. It's not good at all, by any means! But it is, to be fair, very entertaining. If you're a glutton for some damn funny punishment, this is a horrendously enjoyable giggle to pity.
(NC stands up, and Tamara gets off the ground)
NC: It'll take a lot more than a special like this to ruin Christmas.
Tamara: Oh, you mean like a jackass who blew up the entire world?
NC: Okay, I might have let the excitement go a little to my head, but why can't you be dancing for joy, like Malcolm over there?
(He points at Malcolm, who is now a zombie!)
Tamara: Because he's a zombie!
NC: What the hell happened?
Tamara: I don't know! All apocalypses have zombies now.
NC: Well, let's not worry about that. (hugs Tamara) Let's instead wish the good people at home a merry Christmas.
Tamara: The world is in flames!
NC: I won't make it canon. Now, why don't you get over there and give Malcolm a great big Christmas hug?
(NC pushes protesting Tamara to a zombie Malcolm, and the latter starts enjoying her as a snack in the background, with blood, chomping, screaming, etc. While this is happening, NC is talking to the audience. A peaceful music plays throughout)
NC: Merry Christmas to you all, and hope you have a wonderful rest of the year. And remember, the most important thing is love. Love and compassion for the people all over the world. Whether they be in front of you, behind you, or directly behind you, just be able to show all that compassion you have. Remember, the most important thing is to lend your neighbor a helping hand.
(Malcolm comes back up with Tamara's arm in his mouth. Just as he's about to attack NC, we cut to the credits)
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Leo: Let's all sing this part together!