Violent Shit

Violent Shit
Release Date	November 11, 2010
Running Time	15:18
Previous Review	Caligula Gag Reel
Next Review	Slugs
Tagline	Well, it is violent. And it is shit.
Link	http://www.thecinemasnob.com/the-cinema-snob/violent-shit/

The following transcript, while still incomplete as of this writing, is NSFW due to descriptions of extreme violence.

OPENING SEQUENCE

The Cinema Snob: Well, it's not every day that the title of the movie tells us EXACTLY what we're in for!

Cover for Zombie Lake

Snob (VO): Yeah, yeah, I know we pretty much get the hint from certain titles, (Posters follow) such as you expect Caligula to be about Caligula, and you expect Mother's Day to be about the mentally retarded, (A clip of Violent Shit, featuring a man cutting off another man's neck and blood flying everywhere) but this movie here... it's a little different. It's sort of like it's giving an opinion about itself, in the title! (VHS cover) The movie we have today, (Zoom in on the title) is Violent Shit.

Snob: Yep. It's literally called Violent Shit. Though I think the context of the title is a little different than they were hoping for. I think they wanted us to leave the theater saying, "damn, that was some violent shit." But instead, we leave saying to ourselves, "damn, that was some violent SHIT!"

A modern title card appears

Snob (VO): Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't say the whole title! Apparently it's called Violent Shit: Part I!

Snob: So this is the liquid that leads up to the bulk of the log. Any shit-related comedy bits I could get out of this title? (He gives a stern look, and we cut to an open toilet, then back to the Snob) Mmmm, I had a lunch that consisted of cottage cheese and drywall. If you want endless shit gags, just watch (DVD cover for...) fucking Taintlight!

Content disclaimers play in multiple languages

Snob (VO): The movie begins with an endless series of warnings. Huh, is it trying to tell me that I need to be at least 18? How many languages does it take to tell the viewer that you're probably too mature to watch this movie?! Even after the fucking title card of the movie, (Cut to an original 1992 content warning) another warning comes on the screen!

Snob: It's almost like they don't want anyone to watch this film!

Snob (VO): Wait, what does this mean? (Zoom in on...) "We recommend not to sell or hire this cassette?"

Snob: Is someone planning on using this tape as a fucking prostitute?! My parents used movies all the time as a babysitter, but they never PAID them to!

Numerous slow-moving shots of a young boy bouncing a ball around follow, with the text "A REEL GORE PRODUCTION" over it

Snob (VO): Oh, we're off to a great start! Another shot on shitteo film whose biggest special effect is full motion video! Like I wanna watch an entire movie with blast processing! Phuh, I hope there's frames missing during the whole movie!

Snob: If that were the case, it'd be a really short movie, and look like this!

The title appears over the kid, followed by a graphic shot of someone's intestines being pulled out, and then the title again over a black screen

Snob: But... no such luck!

A plane flies through the air, as "DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY STEVE A" is shown

Snob (VO): Instead, this credit sequence goes on for so long, it's like it's auditioning to be the random, mysterious movie used in the opening credits of a sequel to Pod People! (Another title) What? "STARRING K. THE BUTCHER SHITTER?" Who's that, the father of L from Death Note? (Clip from Death Note, with the Snob dubbing over L) "You may not know this, but my father K was a butcher shitter." "A... what?" (Back to the film) Well, if you're making a movie called Violent Shit, you might as well hire a man named "Butcher Shitter," just like you may wanna seek production help (Cut to a shot of a city) from apparently the Violent Shitters!

Snob: You might not be able to see the money on the screen, but you can certainly see the shit!

The boy walks inside

Snob (VO): The opening sequence is a flashback where a boy comes home and gets some advice (Cut to a man with a beard) from a... Sasquatch demon?

Bearded Man: (Subtitles: I can see your mother going up the stairs, moving her horny ass, step by step...)

Snob: I think these subtitles are wrong. (Raises a finger) I know what this guy is saying.

As the man now flicks his long, long tongue up and down

Snob (VO): "You're a wizard, Harry." (The boy walks into a room) Well, whatever the guy says, it convinces the boy to kill his mother. And with this cut, (A circle appears in the shot, depicting a butcher knife coming down and blood flying onto the wall) it makes the movie a piece of shit, but it does make for the best Family Circus cartoon ever! (The circle zooms out, and the boy walks out of the room with a bloody knife; we then cut to two people on a bus, with a subtitle reading "TWENTY YEARS LATER" over it) Time to flash-forward thirteen years, because if the movie's killer was a child, (Cut to a zoom-in on the end of the flashback) well, that would just make the movie tasteless!

A shot of a bus is shown, followed by a cut inside; during this, "God's Gonna Show Us the Way" is dubbed over it

Snob (VO): Phuh, just kidding, but it's better than some of the crap that's actually on the soundtrack!

The car is stopped at traffic, with UB40's version of "Red, Red Wine" playing on the radio

Snob (VO): "Red, Red Wine?!" Seriously?! Now I know where the "Shit" in the title comes from!

Snob: And I didn't add that, either. She really was listening to "Red, Red Wine." Why would I just randomly add "Red, Red Wine" to a movie?! If I was gonna add anything to this scene, it'd be this!

The scene continues, only with Simon & Garfunkel's "Mrs. Robinson" dubbed over it

Snob: I like how that scene ends. As long as you zoom in, (Cut to the scene doing just that) you can just cut to any location! (We now see the driver on a different road)

A man in a green jacket runs through the woods

Snob (VO): Okay, let's get back to the cast of Heavy Metal Parking Lot. (Zoom in on a dying man, with blood spurting out) Okay, never mind! Seems that one of them has been kicked in the armpit artery, and won't be seen for the rest of the movie! (He gets up) What, really? THIS is the killer?! He's got Rocky Dennis' BALLS growing on his face!

Snob: If that's the best makeup you could afford for your movie's killer, then why fucking BOTHER?!

To be continued