October 23, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo plays, followed by the 2019 Nostalgia-Ween opening. This time, the opening consists of footage of the 2018 film Venom)
Nostalgia Stack (vo): October 5, 2018: With Spider-Man's cinematic future playing...
(An article is shown, showing Spider-Man's return to the Marvel Universe as Sony and Disney strike a deal)
Nostalgia Stack (vo): ...ping-pong with its copyright, Sony decides to do a cinematic release based on one of Spider-Man's most popular villains, Venom. While critics and comic book fans seemed upset at the film, many movie-going audiences found it a fun romp that reminded them of mid-to-late '90s cinema, even down to an end credit rap where the title of the movie is mentioned. It's like (The cover for MC Hammer's single "Addams Groove" is superimposed over the footage) an Addams Family rap all over aga– (The cover for Migos, Karol G, Snoop Dogg and Rock Mafia's "My Family" from the 2019 Addams Family movie is superimposed) Oh, that's a thing again? Okay. While Eminem fans argue whether to (The cover for Eminem's single "Venom" is superimposed over the imagery) like this legitimately or ironically, many were disappointed they did not get the deep, complex and tormented character that (The cover of the comic "Spider-Man: Birth of Venom" is displayed) years of great writing have given them. Are fans overthinking this too much, or is this truly a turd rolling in the wind?
(Nostalgia Stack is now seen standing in the middle of the foggy street)
Nostalgia Stack: One thing's for sure: there's gonna be a lot of Tom Hardy hiccup-burping.
(A rapid-fire montage of said hiccup burping by Hardy as Eddie Brock is shown before cutting back to Nostalgia Stack)
Nostalgia Stack: I'm Nostalgia Stack, and welcome to Nostalgia-Ween. (nods)
(This time, the words that slide down the purple bars are follows: "Nostalgia Critic", "Venom", "No-pher Grace", "Buddy Movie?", "Black Goo", "Needs More 'R'", "Needs More Maguire Dancing", "Is This Also In the Spiderverse?", "Heads Up", "Nostalgia Ween". The "reviewed" clips include those from the 2016 and 2018 openings for Nostalgiaween, which parody the intros to Gravity Falls and Beetlejuice respectively, as well as Malice's cameo in Freddy vs. Jason and Dinosaur Rob's appearance in Rubber)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. (He reaches his arm behind him) I remember it– (His hand suddenly shoves his face forward onto the desk, hitting it) OW! WHAT THE HELL?!?
Voice (Malcolm): Do not be alarmed. (NC looks wide-eyed with surprise and fear) I have taken over your body.
NC: Oh, this is because I'm reviewing Venom, isn't it?
Voice: Yes. I want you to talk about...
NC: (rolls eyes, slightly annoyed) ...how it could have been a better movie if it just dived into the tortured personality that the original source material gave us.
Voice: In so many words.
NC: Well, I was gonna do that anyway, so I don't need any "simpsonoates"...
Voice: Symbiotes, you idiot.
NC: ...taking over my body, so piss off!
Voice: But, Critic, you have to understand what Venom could have been.
(The title for the movie is shown, followed by footage)
Voice (vo): Sure, it has some fun moments here and there, but being satisfied with this film is like being satisfied with (Poster of the following is superimposed...) Batman & Robin, when we could have gotten (Poster for the following now replaces the first one...) Joker. There's a whole universe of brilliant not being explored.
NC: (sighs) All right, if it means that much to you, I'll let you stick around.
Voice: I believe the correct order is, me letting you stay around. (has NC slap himself in the face)
NC: OW! ALL RIGHT! CAN I JUST BEGIN?!
Voice: We can begin.
NC: (sighs) This is my review– (slaps himself in the face again) our review...of Venom.
(The film opens IN SPAAAAAACE! Here, a space probe containing numerous sample alien lifeforms is on a collision course with Earth)
NC (vo): The film opens with something bad happening in space. Hey, that's a new concept.
(The probe crashes hard into the ground, creating an explosion and sending pieces of the probe flying in all directions)
NC (vo): A ship crashes, as its owner...
(We cut to a research facility in San Francisco, where we meet said owner...)
NC (vo): ...Carlton Drake, played by Riz Ahmed, discovers that one of the alien substances they were bringing back is missing.
(Everyone in the room look at a huge screen showing one of the astronauts on the ship barely clinging to life, but still alive)
Scientist: One of the astronauts is still alive.
Drake: That's [John] Jameson.
NC (vo; as Jameson): Tell my dad I got pictures of Spider-Man. (normal) They put him in an ambulance, but the alien substance takes over his body and causes it to almost crash.
(The alien substance then grabs a medic about to give him an injection, then takes over the driver, causing it to almost crash)
NC: Oh, I mean, it does crash in the movie, but...
(The ambulance rolls over)
NC (vo): ...crappy CGI takes over, so we don't see how it actually would have crashed.
(The medic emerges from a newly-made hole in the roof, also possessed by the alien substance)
NC (vo): A medic is possessed by the alien substance...
(Cut to someone reaching over to take hold of a pillow)
NC (vo): ...as we cut to...
(This person reaches out and pulls the pillow away abruptly revealing...a man asleep and snoring)
NC: Man, I thought there was gonna be something scary under that pillow. Good fake-out.
NC (vo): This is Eddie Brock, played by Tom Hardy, who lives with his lawyer fiancee, Anne [Weying], played by Michelle Williams, and is an edgy online journalist who likes to tell it how it is.
Brock: (at the San Mateo Landfill) This city doesn't care about these people any more than the killer does.
NC: (adjusting his glasses) I'll stick with DailyBugle.net, (Shot of that website appears in the corner) thank you very much.
(A quick-cut of various shots of Oakland is shown, sliding across the screen as they do)
Brock (vo): Eddie Brock here, reporting today from downtown Oakland...
NC (vo): Oh, no!
NC: (clasping his hands over his head) They're taking on Ang Lee's Hulk! STOP, MOVIE, STOP!
(The quick-cut montage ends as Brock enters MNBN, the news studio where he works)
NC (vo): Oh, they do. They...only use this style once, and then it's never used again.
NC: (confused) Isn't that kind of like transitioning like this...
(A transition effect from the old Batman TV show is played, with Venon's head in place of the bat head, before showing Brock at the studio)
NC (vo): ...and then never doing that again?
Voice (vo): Talk about Eddie's character.
NC: (rolls eyes) Christ, I forgot you were a thing.
Voice (vo): That's what most people say about this movie. Now talk about Eddie's character.
NC: (shakes head) What about him? He's just...
(A clip of Brock is shown)
NC (vo): ...a typical online journalist: a little eccentric, kooky, and talking like he's John Travolta from the '70s.
(A montage of clips of Brock is shown)
Brock: They still say Sting is king! / All right, I'll do it. / M.I.T.!
NC: Again, like most online journalists.
Voice (vo): That's the thing: Eddie Brock is not like that.
(A montage of panels showing the comic version of Brock is shown)
Voice (vo): He was raised in a strict Catholic household, with his mother dying in childbirth, leaving him with an angry, resentful father. While drunk driving, he accidentally kills a little boy and wants to go to jail for his punishment. But his father refuses to let him go to prison. He thinks he earns his father's approval by exposing a serial killer. But Spider-Man brings in the real culprit. This results in him being fired, his wife getting a divorce, his father cutting all ties, and he even considers suicide. Thus, he wants revenge on Spider-Man as he projects all his years of anger and abuse onto him.
NC: (stunned) Wow. All of that sounds...insanely interesting. Like he was meant to be a complex villain.
Voice (vo): Yes. Now what happens to this Brock?
(The movie version of Brock is shown again)
NC (vo): ...he tries exposing Drake for some of his wrongdoings by checking Anne's emails who works for him.
Brock: (to his boss) I don't have a source per se, but I have a hunch–
Boss (Ron Cephas Jones): You don't go off half-cocked based on a hunch.
NC: (confused) You sure you're not an online journalist?
NC (vo): Anyway, Drake gets him fired, also resulting in Anne leaving him, and six months later, he's...I guess bummed out, but still seems well enough to live in San Francisco, give twenty dollars to homeless people, pay rent on a giant-ass apartment, drink in high-end bars, and look like he just got off of a GQ cover.
NC: Again, not poor, but '90s movie poor.
Storekeeper: (to Brock) You look like shit!
NC: Does he?
Voice (vo): Exactly. It's missing both the depth of the character and the reason for his depth, so you feel very little.
NC: Oh, come on. He challenges...
(The scene of Brock in the bar is shown again as he looks toward another bar patron with a beard and wears glasses)
NC (vo): ...neck-beards. That's gotta count for something.
Neck-Beard: Some people are trying to watch that.
Brock: Oh, you are, are you?
NC (vo; as Neck-Beard): Okay, I am way too hipster to go up against Tom Hardy.
NC: (scratching his neck) You know, I was thinking about growing a neck beard. (Voice punches him) Thank you.
Voice (vo): No problem.
(Brock rummages through an empty newspaper rack)
NC (vo): An empty newspaper stand? Now I know this is a work of fiction.
Homeless Woman: It costs you five dollars?
Brock: Five dollars for a paper that's free?
NC (vo): He befriends other San Francisco-nites down on their luck as Hardy, per usual, is giving a very entertaining performance.
Brock: (to the homeless woman) Carlton Drake wouldn't let me finish. And you should be very, very, very afraid.
NC: But it's so odd and angsty...
NC (vo): ...it's kind of like he already thinks he has his Venom powers.
NC: (director voice, holding his hand over his mouth like a megaphone) All right, Tom, we're gonna make you really cool and not at all crazy when we put these effects in.
NC (vo): So constantly act like there's black goo flying around you and keep making Bobcat Goldthwait sounds.
(A montage occurs, alternating between Hardy as Brock and Goldthwait in his different performances)
Brock: (looking in newsstand) Oh...
Brock: (on cell phone) Huh?
Goldthwait: (in shower) Argh!
Goldthwait: (doing stand-up) HUH?!
Brock: (in a hospital bed) What was that?
Goldthwait: Was I good?
Brock: (giggles exaggeratedly)
Goldthwait: (giggles exaggeratedly)
Brock: (covering himself with a pillow) Ugh!
Goldthwait: (doing stand-up, sticking out tongue) ARGH!
NC: (as director, looking over shoulder) What's that? (Symbiote noises are heard) No effects are going there? (looks back into camera, speaking into "megaphone" again) By God, STOP! (looks over his shoulder again) What? We don't have time to do reshoots? (looks back into camera, giving a thumbs-up) It looks great! (nods)
NC (vo): He's approached by a scientist named Dora Skirth, who says Drake is up to no good and she can get him a story to expose him.
Brock: ...because I am done. I am done with all of this shit.
NC (vo): He says he's not interested, but he randomly bumps into his ex-fiancee and suddenly, he's interested again.
Brock: Gonna try and find our way back?
Weying: You did this, Eddie.
(Cut to Brock standing on a rail on the Golden Gate Bridge. He takes out his phone and calls a number)
Dr. Skirth (Jenny Slate): (on phone) Hello, this is Dr. Skirth.
Brock: Talk to me.
NC (vo; as Dr. Skirth): What changed your mind? (as Brock) My old girlfriend reminded me I suck. (as Skirth) Okay, whatever, get you up in the morning.
NC: Thankfully, there's no...
NC (vo): ...security cameras to record their break-in...
NC: ...because, you know, SMART!
NC (vo): ...as she takes him to the symbiotes they found in space as well as the human host they've been experimenting on.
(Brock and Skirth go down an elevator)
Brock: Aliens? (jokingly makes alien noises)
NC: You really trust this guy to tell a credible story about what's going on in this place?
NC (vo): I trust a story from (Image of the following appears in the corner...) Bruce Almighty before believing this putz.
(The test subject, a homeless woman named Maria, pounds on the door. Brock makes the foolish mistake of breaking open the glass containment she's in to free her, not realizing that she is contagious)
NC (vo): He sees one of the homeless people infected with the symbiote and breaks her out, resulting in him getting infected.
(Brock then runs from the facility with the security guards trying to shoot at him. As bullets fly around him, he ducks into some woods)
NC (vo): We get honestly a pretty decent chase scene as he outruns the security. (The guards pursue in ATV carts) Oh, they do have that, huh? Yeah, four-wheelers, guns, motorcycles, but not one security camera.
NC: You know, 'cause... (shrugs awkwardly)
NC (vo): And he makes his way back home, where he starts acting strange.
(He starts rummaging around and devouring food noisily, including some discarded food in the trash)
Brock: I've got a bunch of photographs. You will publish these photographs, but I need you to come with me. Now, could you just call me back? I'll be back.
NC: Actually, what am I talking about? This is not that much different from how he was before.
NC (vo): It's like Willem Dafoe in Spider-Man; he's actually a little weirder before the transformation.
(In a fancy restaurant, Brock grabs a lobster right off of a plate held by a waiter's tray (in the waiter's hand) and starts devouring it)
NC: Well, I hear somebody is saying (mock British accent) "This is a fine how-do-you-do!"
(Brock climbs up on top of a lobster tank as a woman (presumably Anne) looks on)
Anne: (pleading) Eddie, please!
(But it's too late; Brock gets down inside the lobster tank and sits down in it, grunting with pleasure)
Brock: (voice squeaks inexplicably) That's much better.
NC (vo): You know, I take it back.
NC: It's not Bobcat Goldthwait grunts, it's Adam Sandler squeaks.
(Another montage is shown, alternating between Brock and Adam Sandler on Million Dollar Noises)
Brock: Yeah, but I may...
Sandler: (high-pitch noises)
Brock: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Sandler: (low-pitch grunting noises that ends in a squeak)
Brock: I'm hot! Is anyone else hot?
Brock: Five dollars for a paper that's free?
Sandler: (to a bunch of kids) All right, enjoy the cash. (gets up from his seat)
(The movie resumes with Anne's new fiance coming up to Brock as he sits in the lobster tank and eats the lobsters. Back at the lab, the fiance, a doctor, is running a test on Brock)
NC (vo): Give the film some credit. The doctor Anne is dating legitimately wants to help him and performs a test on him. Come on, you call yourself a '90s movie? He should be clearly marrying her for the money and/or sending her kids to boarding school.
(As the scanner start making noises, Eddie cries and shakes in pain as he shifts from Venom and back into his old self during short moments. A scene from Super Mario Bros in which Toad is turning into a Goomba is seen next to Eddie)
NC (vo): Despite turning him into a Goomba, he sends Brock home, but some men are waiting for him and he starts hearing a voice in his head.
(Goons hired by Carlton Drake barge into Brock's apartment and corners Eddie)
Venom: What are you doing? You are making us look bad.
Brock: No, I'm not.
Venom: Yes, you are!
Brock: No, I'm not.
Venom: Why would you do that?
(Brock raises his arms up and down as he argues with Venom)
NC: Again, props to Hardy from moving so convincingly.
(Brock began fighting off Drake's goons with the help of the symbiote)
NC (vo): It's like Will Smith's Genie is controlling him.
Brock: I'm so sorry about your friends.
(Scenes in which Brock fights off Drake's goons are shifting to scenes in which the Genie from the Aladdin remake moves his fingers. After defeating them, Eddie jumps out of a window and see from a car window that his reflection is now that of Venom)
Brock: It's not real. You're in my head. 'Cause you're just a parasite.
NC: (as Venom) You are the online journalist.
(The scene of Brock escaping the exploding drones and goons on a motorcycle is seen)
NC (vo): So, when I saw this movie on the big screen, this chase was kind of a mess, but I had to admit on a smaller screen, I can make it out a lot better and it's actually rather impressive. The mix of stunt work and CG actually blends together pretty good, (The sign "2 Minutes In" is seen next to the movie theater, the Rialto) especially how many times they put that theater in the background. (The sign "4 Minutes In" is seen next to the Rialto) That couldn't have been easy to do. (The sign "5 Minutes In" is seen next to the Rialto)
(The scene of a drone pursuing Eddie is seen)
Brock: Oh, God, no!
NC (vo; as a drone): We just want you to give you Amazon gifts.
(Scenes of the last two drones exploding on a car and Brock turning into Venom and attacking his enemies are shown)
NC (vo): The symbiote finally takes over, though, revealing himself as Venom, the horrifying monster who PG-13's his enemies to death.
(A scene is shown of Brock talking to Venom)
Brock: What the hell are you?
Venom: I am Venom.
NC: See now? Come on. That's kind of cool.
(Scenes of Venom talking to Brock and beating one of Drake's goons are shown)
NC (vo): Venom has a cool design, both on and off Brock. He has a menacing voice and okay effects.
NC: Maybe this isn't half-bad.
Voice (vo): If only you understood what you were missing.
NC: Yeah? Why don't you do a better job explaining?
Venom (also voiced by Malcolm): Why when you have me?
(NC turn his head around and see Venom)
NC: Wha...? Who... Who are you?
(The screen then turns black)
Venom (vo): All right. Let's do this, one last time.
(Cut to a shot of the cover of "Venom: Lethal Protector, Issue 1")
Venom (vo): We are Venom, star of page, television and the big screen.
(Images of Venom as a comic book character, cartoon character and Spider-Man 3 character appear)
Brock (from Spider-Man 3): Oh, my spider-sense is tingling.
Venom (vo): We don't talk about this.
(Images from the '90s Spider-Man cartoons series and comic books appear as Venom explains his origin)
Venom (vo): We are an alien life-form who attached ourselves to Peter Parker. But after he deemed us corrupting his soul, he abandoned us and we found Eddie Brock. We nourished his hatred for Spider-Man, feeding into his anger. At times, he tried to fight us. But we always knew how to give in to his dark side.
Venom: We are Venom, the ultimate Spider-Man villain.
NC: But wait. Overtime, didn't you end up doing good?
(Images of Spider-Man and Venom fighting Carnage and Venom jumping out of a garbage truck are shown)
NC (vo): You joined Spider-Man to fight evil in Maximum Carnage and Brock convinces you to save people every once in a while.
Voice (vo): Yes, but is that what people remember him for?
(The cover of "X-Men 1991 Volume 1, Issue 1" is shown)
Voice (vo): Magneto helped the X-Men here and there. At the end of the day, would you call him a good guy? Would you be upset if he never battled the X-Men in any of their movies?
NC: Well, yeah...
Venom: It's only over years of comics that Brock grows a conscience and that's not what the character's best remembered for.
(A scene of Brock talking to Venom is seen)
Venom (vo): They don't even get the pronouns right half the time, switching from I to Us. Sometimes in the same scene.
Venom: You did not find us. We found you. Think of yourself as my ride.
NC: Maybe he was transitioning?
(NC smiles in confusion and shrugs)
Venom: (angrily) Seriously?!
NC: Okay, it's not the most faithful or consistent, but...
(Posters of Spider-Man 1 to 3, Amazing Spider-Man 1 and 2 and Spider-Man: Homecoming are shown)
NC (vo): I'm kind of used to that in Spider-Man movies by now.
NC: It's like telling Aunt May not to give needlessly long advices.
(Aunt May (played by Tamara) suddenly appears and gives a needlessly long advice)
Aunt May: The world needs a hero...
(Both NC and Venom groan in frustration. As Aunt May continues to talk, both NC and Venom begs her to stop, but to no avail. Then they both decide to give up and let her talk some more)
NC: I think we just have to take it.
(As Aunt May continue to talk, both NC and Venom began to slowly fall asleep)
Aunt May: ...screams their names and years later, they'll tell they stood in the rain for hours just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them how to hold on, a second longer. I believe there's a hero in all of us. It gives us strength and finally, allow us to die with pride, even though...
(And with that, we go to a commercial. Upon return, as Aunt May continues talking, both NC and Venom had fallen asleep)
Aunt May: Three cups of flour, two table cups of salt, and bake it for twenty minutes, and that's how you make the perfect red velvet cake!
(NC is still sleeping)
Aunt May: Wellll, I think I'll go be old over there.
(Aunt May walks out the door and then peaks around the corner to see that NC and Venom are still sleeping. She takes out a rifle and fires it into he air, waking them both up. Aunt May smiles and walks away, firing another shot into the ceiling)
Venom: That's a very strange lady.
NC (vo): So, Anne's doctor boyfriend–which saying it out loud makes me want to see him like this–says the tests are literally off the chart and he needs to come to back to the hospital.
Brock's voicemail: This is Eddie Brock. Please leave a message.
NC: Oh, come on, Brock, you're a new man now! Leave her a proper message!
NC (vo; as Brock and Venom): (as Brock) Hi, this is Eddie (as Venom) and the symbiote! (as both) We're Venom! (as Brock) We're (as Venom) not (as Brock) here. (as Venom) So (as Brock) leave (as Venom) a message. (they both laugh; as Venom) Let's go eat some heads. (as Brock) Okay.
NC (vo): She reaches his apartment, but finds cops all over the place.
Cop: Buildings been evacuated. Get off the streets. Go home. There's bodies all over the place.
NC: Way to not spread panic, asshole!
(He repeats part the scene)
Cop: There's bodies all over the city tonight.
NC: (as the cop) Also, there's alien creatures eating heads. Tell everyone: there's alien creatures eating heads. (everyone starts screaming in panic) Now, why does that always happen?
NC (vo): Brock and Venom drop off evidence of Drake’s wrong doing at his old work, but the police show up to stop him.
(The police fire a smoke pellet at Venom that he catches and crushes it. He then starts flinging the cops around)
NC: Now, the idea of Venom fighting in a gas filled room is a pretty cool one.
NC (vo): You could get some creepy shots of him silhouetted or coming out of the smoke; it'd look awesome as hell.
NC: But the way it's shot, it's way too cluttered and...
NC (vo): ...hard to make out. Imagine you're at a rave, but your a flea on a swing monkey; it's kind of shot like that. To add insult to injury, the CG takes over so much it looks like a Devil May Cry game, the more it continues. I want a point meter to show the collection of gory deaths you're not raking up!
(A point meter that says "Gore" appears, staying at seven zeros even as Venom kicks guys around and instead of points, "PG-13" appears each time he hits someone. Eventually, the screen switches to a black screen that shows a toy of Venom and Carnage, packed together and says above: "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU CAN SELL TOYS TO THIS!")
NC (vo): After fighting them off, Anne finds Brock and he tries to tell her what's going on.
Brock: I can't go with you.
Anne: Get in the car, Eddie. In the back.
Venom: I like her. Get in!
NC: Why would saying that make him like her?
(He shows the scene again)
Anne: Get in the car, Eddie.
Venom: I like her.
NC (vo; as Venom) I can't help it. I love being bossed around. Now say, "You're a dirty Venom." Oh, yeah! Call me Mr. Game and Watch Snot. Don't act like we're not connecting!
Venom: You feel sad, do you not, Eddie? You never apologized! You may not live to get another chance.
NC: What? Is he a couples therapist now? What does he care?!
NC (vo): What? We going to see him on a Dr. Phil-style show?
(Cut to a scene of Dr. Phil where Venom's head is superimposed over Dr. Phil and voiced by Doug)
Venom: You can't count your chickens until they burst out the of the host and start eating brains. This is a fact.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, at Drake's lab– Oh, geesh, a little girl snuck in? You really do have the worst security!
(The "little girl" grabs Drake around the throat)
NC (vo): It turns out this is the escaped symbiote, named Riot, who bonds with Drake's body as Brock returns to the doctor.
Drake: Eddie, I'm sorry.
NC (vo; as Drake): The test says you're an idiot, and it's terminal.
Drake: You're heart has atrophy.
NC (vo): Anne tries to convince Brock to get rid of Venom. Yeah, what do you think of Anne now, you dumbass symbiote?
Venom: I like her.
NC (vo): Thus, they use a high frequency to separate the two.
Anne: Where do you think you're going?!
Brock: Anywhere other than here!
NC (vo; as Venom): I still like you. Call me "Naughty Melted Licorice". It's my screen name on several BDSM sites.
NC (vo): But, because this film can't go one second without Hardy pouring sweat-
NC: Sweating and face covered in shit. (shows images of Tom Hardy as Farrier from Dunkirk, Bane from The Dark Knight Rises, and Max from Mad Max: Fury Road) That seem to be his big two.
NC (vo): He's taken to Drake, who asks him where Venom is.
Drake: We've brought the planet to the brink of extinction. We're parasites. What I’ve initiated is a whole new world, a whole new species.
Voice: Does it even matter anymore?
Voice: The villain's plan. It's always some variation of "humanity sucks". So, it must be balanced out by people dying or giving up free will.
NC: Come on, though, it's balanced out with Hardy constantly acting like a wrench is crushing his balls.
Brock: (with the sound of crunching added in) One of these creatures up my ass... (sees Riot) That is the ugliest thing I have ever seen.
NC (vo): Truth be told, Drake starts off as kind of a fun villain, having a delivery that's almost as eccentric as Hardy's.
Brock: You're insane.
Drake: That hurts.
Drake: Long journal entry about that tonight.
NC (vo): But overtime, he just becomes another stock villain who turns into a big dumb monster to fight. And for all his genius, he still can't figure out when he’s clearly being scammed.
Riot: You'll follow wherever I lead.
Drake: Where we lead.
Riot: Yes. We.
Voice: It's just like how I plan to do terrible things to your body after this review is over.
NC: Wait... (holds up index finger) You mean we do terrible things to my body.
Voice: Sure. (NC smiles)
NC (vo): Eddie is taken out to be shot, but he tries to steal the gun away...only to not have it work.
(Brock gets hit in the back with the gun and falls to the ground)
Brock: Damn it!
NC: Okay! I'll give credit. I've never seen that in a movie before! It makes the scene entirely pointless, but Jackie Chan movies...
(Cut to a clip Rush Hour, showing James Carter (Chris Tucker) and Yang Naing Lee (Jackie Chan). James is holding a gun on a cab driver)
NC (vo): ...would be a lot shorter if they utilized that.
James: Hey, mind your old business, old man!
(Yang grabs the gun and a gunshot is heard as the screen cuts to black. The screen then shows a fake title card that says "STAY TUNE FOR RUSH HOUR 2: LEE'S FUNERAL". Then cut back to Venom)
NC (vo): But it looks like he's saved by Anne, who lets the symbiote possess her. She kisses him, though, putting the suit right back on him.
She-Venom: Hi, Eddie.
NC: See? Now, come on, that was pretty cool. We had a lady Venom for a minute. That was pretty neat.
Second Symbiote (voiced by Tamara): Not as neat as you'd think.
(NC turn his head around and see She-Venom standing there with Venom)
NC: Okay, who are you?
(The screen then turns black)
She-Venom (vo): All right, let's do this one last time.
(Cut to a shot of the cover of "The Bride of Venom", showing She-Venom on the cover, followed by shots of panels showing She-Venom)
She-Venom (vo): We are She-Venom, AKA Anne Weying. To save my life from a gun wound, the Venom symbiote was placed on me, resulting in the deaths of several people. When the symbiote as removed, Anne couldn't take the pressure that she had killed so many. The mental scars, her crimes and the symbiote drove her to madness, causing her to commit suicide, only adding to the agony of the tormented Eddie Brock.
NC: Good God!
Voice: Yes, and here, she's...
NC: (confused) An excuse for...
(She-Venom in the movie is shown again, along side a shot of a fan art rendering of a sexy Weying turning into She-Venom)
NC (vo): ...sexy fan art?
Voice: Pretty much.
NC: (stunned) Holy smokes! Either Brock or Anne's stories would have been intriguingly heartbreaking.
She-Venom: Yes. Now we have Eddie and Venom arguing over who's the biggest loser.
NC: What? That can't be true.
She-Venom: Take a look.
(Sure enough, the movie shows Brock and Venom arguing who's the biggest loser)
Venom: On my planet, I am kind of a loser, like you. But here, we could be more.
NC: That is the stupidest thing a character like that could say! That's like the Queen Alien being like...
(Cut to a shot of the Queen Alien from Alien speaking)
Queen Alien: You know, I've never been invited to many parties. You think it's my shoes? I think it's my shoes.
(Another scene of Brock and Venom talking to each other is seen)
NC (vo): It doesn't even make sense. Venom says he formed a real friendship with Eddie, and that's why he wants to stay and save the world.
Brock: What really made you change your mind?
(Brock turns into Venom)
Venom: You. You did, Eddie.
(Scenes of Brock talking/arguing with Venom are shown)
NC (vo): But what chemistry did they have? They constantly disagree, fight over how to do things, and every second he can, Eddie tries to get away from him. It's like it knows in '90s buddy movies, the duo argue, and they eventually find things to bond over. But they forgot to write the things that they bond over, so they suddenly just like each other out of nowhere! I mean, what, because he said apologize to his ex, that suddenly means they're mates for life? Even that didn't sound right.
Brock: I'm truly sorry for everything I have ever done to you.
Venom: Oh, that's nice.
NC: It sounds more like Dr. Claw watching This Is Us.
(Dr. Claw is watching the TV series This Is Us)
Dr. Claw (in Venom's voice): Oh, that's nice.
(Cut back to Venom)
Brock: You can take this guy, right?
Venom: He has got shit you have never seen.
Brock: Oh, fuck it. Well, let's go save the planet.
NC: Thanks again, first class, for encouraging PG-13 movies to utilize (holds up index finger) that one F-bomb they have to use.
(A snippet of the X-Men Origins: Wolverine is shown)
NC (vo): Yeah, ever since they so brilliantly did it, suddenly...
(Cut back to Venom)
NC (vo): ...every comic book movie has to have one F-bomb, because, you know, (mocking tone) "it'll be just as brilliant".
Brock: Oh, fuck it!
(Cut briefly to X-Men Origins: Wolverine again)
Wolverine (Hugh Jackman): Go fuck yourself!
(Cut to a clip of X-Men: Apocalypse, showing Magneto)
Magneto (Michael Fassbender): Who the fuck are you?!
(Now cut to a clip of X-Men: Days of Future Past, showing Prof. Charles Xavier)
Xavier (James McAvoy): Fuck off!
NC: Was it worth it?
(Xavier and Magneto are shown approaching Wolverine in X-Men: First Class)
Xavier: Charles Xavier.
Wolverine: Go fuck yourself.
NC: (stifles laugh) Yeah, it totally was.
NC (vo): In this movie's obsession with starting out with a good action sequence, but each additional one gets shittier and shittier, I give this hideous climax that's so blurry, shaky, horribly CG'd and dark red it's like watching Transformers through a Ketchup bottle that never stops shaking.
(Venom has Riot in a choke-hold, but Riot spawns spikes from his body that knock Venom away)
NC: Hmmm, yeah. What was that line from earlier?
Venom: He has got shit you have never seen.
NC: (vo; as Venom) And, by "shit", I mean, "spikes!" I'm easily impressed by "spikes!". When I saw Bowser in Super Mario Bros., I thought he was your god!
(Riot impales Brock from behind)
Riot: You are nothing!
(Riot leaves and the scene lingers on Brock's motionless body)
NC: (sarcastically) Yeah, he's totally dead, folks. Not coming back. W-w-what'd we do in a world without a 24-hour Portlandia stutterer.
Brock: I can't, you know, not do my job.
(Cut to Fred Armisen from Portlandia)
Armisen: I-I-I-I... I'm LAPD.
(Cut back to Venom)
Brock: But, uh... What's the deal?
(Cut to another clip of Armisen)
Armisen: What about?... What... What... What...
NC (vo): Venom, of course, revives him and blows up the rocket that was going to take Riot to his planet to get reinforcements. And, because this is a '90s movie in sheep's clothing, let's end on the romantic couples in San Francisco on a sunny day, clumsily giving us the epilogue.
Anne: I'm joining the public defender's office.
Brock: Uh, the network asked me to bring the show back.
Anne: Hey, I'm sorry about Venom
Venom: Look at her. She has no idea we are going to get her back.
NC: Okay, is this how you thought this movie would end? We have two...
NC (vo): ...people right out of a rom-com, sitting on a Sam Francisco street...
NC: ...saying to each other....
Anne: Hey, I'm sorry about Venom.
NC: UNLESS THE POSTER LOOKS LIKE THIS!
(A poster appears in the corner for The Bachelor with Venom's face superimposed over Chris O'Donnell's face, and the title is called "VENOM")
NC: THIS IS NOT HOW A VENOM MOVIE SHOULD END!!
NC (vo): I mean, God! All that's missing is...
Brock: Good lord. Look at that. Look at the time. I have to... I have to go.
NC (vo; as Brock) (upbeat music plays) So that's my story. I don't know how Venom and me are going to make it in this crazy world, but as long as there's still a chance for love, there's a chance at anything.
(The credit "Directed by Garry Marshall" appears next to Brock, who then meet Stan Lee)
Lee: Hey. Don't give up on her. Either of you.
NC (as Lee): I look forward to being the only good thing in Captain Marvel.
Venom: But can we get something to eat now?
Brock: Yeah, definitely. I know a place down here.
(Scenes of Brock arriving at the convenience store and then getting out of the convenience store at night are shown)
NC (vo): And by "down here", I mean, "a three-hour walk", seeing how it is now clearly dark outside.
NC: They must have really good Ho-Hos there.
NC (vo): Once again, the place is robbed, causing Venom to save the day.
Robber: What the hell are you?
Venom: We are Venom.
NC (vo): He [Venom] apparently eats him [the robber], but as you can see, there's no blood on the ground at all. So, did he eat the gun? The jacket? That hair alone is not gonna come out right in the shitter. But what do you expect when you're (dramatically) PG-13 to death!
(The sign "PG-13 to Death!" appears on a black screen)
NC: (dramatically) Oh, it's almost awful!
(Brock arrives at a prison to meet Cletus Kasady (Woody Harrelson))
NC (vo): Oh, but it is not done there; there's an after-credit sequence, of course, as Eddie visits Ronald McDonald Lecter, played by Woody Harrelson.
Kasady: When I get out of here, there's gonna be carnage.
(The screen cuts to black)
Carnage (voiced by Doug): All right, let's do this, one last time.
(Cover of Spider-Man Unlimited Issue 1 appears.)
Carnage (vo): My name is Carnage...
NC: SAVE IT FOR THE NEXT ONE!
Voice: So, Critic, now that you know that Venom could have been, what do you think of it now?
She-Venom: Keep in mind, we are hungry.
NC: Well, it's a terrible Venom movie...which is saying a lot, but it is kind of a fun, albeit awkward send-up to '90s tropes. (beat) Whether it's aware it's doing it or not.
(Scenes of the movies are shown as NC gives his final thoughts)
NC (vo): Every cliché in this movie is laughable, but it's so hard to say it's painful if you like those corny '90s adventures. Hardy's performance is so goofy and he's going so all-out, it's hard not to enjoy it. It's short and relatively harmless, if you're not a fan of Spider-Man. If you are, then, yeah, this is a big slap in the face compared to what it could have been. We could have had a dark, in-depth, psychological dive into a man, hell, even a couple losing their minds fighting their literal inner demons. What we got is a clumsy little adventure, but what we deserve is so, so much more when it comes to this material. Maybe at some point, we'll get the Venom movie that explores the possibilities of this material to the fullest, but until then, we're just gonna have to keep waiting.
Voice (vo): I'm disappointed, Critic.
NC: Well, everybody was somehow by this movie.
Voice (vo): No. Disappointed that you fail to bring up that there is a good Venom movie.
NC: Really? What's it called?
(A crash sound is heard and Miles Morales (played by Malcolm) appears)
NC: Holy shit! Miles Morales from the best Spider-Man that ever was.
Miles Morales: Heard you had a Venom problem. So I'm here to kick their spidey-asses back to the Spider-Verse.
(Both Venom and She-Venom growl at Miles, who puts on his mask and prepare himself to fight them)
NC: Now, this is the action-packed climax a review like this deserves. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and...
(NC then notices that his right hand raises up holding a remote control and that his left hand touches a button from the remote control)
NC: ...What the hell am I doing? NO!!!!!!!
(An explosion caused from the remote control occurs and Miles, Venom and She-Venom are caught in the explosion. NC look shocked as all that is left of Miles, Venom and She-Venom is blood on the wall, red for Miles and green for Venom and She-Venom)
Voice (vo): You didn't let me finish.
NC: But...why would you do that?
Voice (vo): There is a good Venom movie.
NC: You-you-you... You killed them. You killed them all.
Voice (vo): It deserves more attention.
NC: (shouting) WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID MOVIE? YOU WENT FROM FRIENDLY TO PSYCHO JUST LIKE IN... (NC then realize something as he calms himself) Oh, my God. You're not a symbiote, are you?
Voice (vo): No.
(Poster of the movie Upgrade appears)
Voice (vo): The AI from Upgrade.
(Scenes from the movie Upgrade are shown)
AI (vo): This is the real Venom movie. It's dark and twisted, has amazing action, disturbing surprises around every corner. I wanted to use your review show to let people know a real Venom existed, and if they want more films like it, they better check it out.
NC: (nervously) Okay. I-I-I think you got your point across.
AI (vo): Good. Say the thing.
NC: (even more nervous) I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and...see Upgrade.
AI (vo): It's the real Venom movie.
(NC smiled nervously for a moment)
NC: Am I ever gonna get control of my body back?
AI (vo): No. I see what you do at night.
NC: That's fair.
Channel Awesome Tagline: Brock: (jokingly makes alien noises)
(The credits roll)