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Venom

Venom nc

Released
October 23, 2019
Running Time
27:37
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(The Channel Awesome logo plays, followed by the 2019 Nostalgia-Ween opening. This time, the opening consists of footage of the 2018 film Venom)

Nostalgia Stack (vo): October 5, 2018: With Spider-Man's cinematic future playing...

(An article is shown, showing Spider-Man's return to the Marvel Universe as Sony and Disney strike a deal)

Nostalgia Stack (vo): ...ping-pong with its copyright, Sony decides to do a cinematic release based on one of Spider-Man's most popular villains, Venom. While critics and comic book fans seemed upset at the film, many movie-going audiences found it a fun romp that reminded them of mid-to-late '90s cinema, even down to an end credit rap where the title of the movie is mentioned. It's like (The cover for MC Hammer's single "Addams Groove" is superimposed over the footage) an Addams Family rap all over aga– (The cover for Migos, Karol G, Snoop Dogg and Rock Mafia's "My Family" from the 2019 Addams Family movie is superimposed) Oh, that's a thing again? Okay. While Eminem fans argue whether to (The cover for Eminem's single "Venom" is superimposed over the imagery) like this legitimately or ironically, many were disappointed they did not get the deep, complex and tormented character that (The cover of the comic "Spider-Man: Birth of Venom" is displayed) years of great writing have given them. Are fans overthinking this too much, or is this truly a turd rolling in the wind?

(Nostalgia Stack is now seen standing in the middle of the foggy street)

Nostalgia Stack: One thing's for sure: there's gonna be a lot of Tom Hardy hiccup-burping.

(A rapid-fire montage of said hiccup burping by Hardy as Eddie Brock is shown before cutting back to Nostalgia Stack)

Nostalgia Stack: I'm Nostalgia Stack, and welcome to Nostalgia-Ween. (nods)

(This time, the words that slide down the purple bars are follows: "Nostalgia Critic", "Venom", "No-pher Grace", "Buddy Movie?", "Black Goo", "Needs More 'R'", "Needs More Maguire Dancing", "Is This Also In the Spiderverse?", "Heads Up", "Nostalgia Ween". The "reviewed" clips include those from the 2016 and 2018 openings for Nostalgiaween, which parody the intros to Gravity Falls and Beetlejuice respectively, as well as Malice's cameo in Freddy vs. Jason and Dinosaur Rob's appearance in Rubber)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. (He reaches his arm behind him) I remember it– (His hand suddenly shoves his face forward onto the desk, hitting it) OW! WHAT THE HELL?!?

Voice (Malcolm): Do not be alarmed. (NC looks wide-eyed with surprise and fear) I have taken over your body.

NC: Oh, this is because I'm reviewing Venom, isn't it?

Voice: Yes. I want you to talk about...

NC: (rolls eyes, slightly annoyed) ...how it could have been a better movie if it just dived into the tortured personality that the original source material gave us.

Voice: In so many words.

NC: Well, I was gonna do that anyway, so I don't need any "simpsonoates"...

Voice: Symbiotes, you idiot.

NC: ...taking over my body, so piss off!

Symbiote: But Critic, you have to understand what Venom could have been.

(The title for the movie is shown, followed by footage)

Symbiote (vo): Sure, it has some fun moments here and there, but being satisfied with this film is like being satisfied with (Poster of the following is superimposed...) Batman & Robin, when we could have gotten (Poster for the following now replaces the first one...) Joker. There's a whole universe of brilliant not being explored.

NC: (sighs) All right, if it means that much to you, I'll let you stick around.

Symbiote: I believe the correct order is, me letting you stay around. (has NC slap himself in the face)

NC: OW! ALL RIGHT! CAN I JUST BEGIN?!

Symbiote: We can begin.

NC: (sighs) This is my review– (slaps himself in the face again) our review...of Venom.

(The film opens IN SPAAAAAACE! Here, a space probe containing numerous sample alien lifeforms is on a collision course with Earth)

NC (vo): The film opens with something bad happening in space. Hey, that's a new concept.

(The probe crashes hard into the ground, creating an explosion and sending pieces of the probe flying in all directions)

NC (vo): A ship crashes, as its owner...

(We cut to a research facility in San Francisco, where we meet said owner...)

NC (vo): ...Carlton Drake, played by Riz Ahmed, discovers that one of the alien substances they were bringing back is missing.

(Everyone in the room look at a huge screen showing one of the astronauts on the ship barely clinging to life, but still alive)

Scientist: One of the astronauts is still alive.

Drake: That's [John] Jameson.

NC (vo; as Jameson): Tell my dad I got pictures of Spider-Man. (normal) They put him in an ambulance, but the alien substance takes over his body and causes it to almost crash.

(The alien substance then grabs a medic about to give him an injection, then takes over the driver, causing it to almost crash)

NC: Oh, I mean, it does crash in the movie, but...

(The ambulance rolls over)

NC (vo): ...crappy CGI takes over, so we don't see how it actually would have crashed.

(The medic emerges from a newly-made hole in the roof, also possessed by the alien substance)

NC (vo): A medic is possessed by the alien substance...

(Cut to someone reaching over to take hold of a pillow)

NC (vo): ...as we cut to...

(This person reaches out and pulls the pillow away abruptly revealing...a man asleep and snoring)

NC: Man, I thought there was gonna be something scary under that pillow. Good fake-out.

NC (vo): This is Eddie Brock, played by Tom Hardy, who lives with his lawyer fiancee, Anne [Weying], played by Michelle Williams, and is an edgy online journalist who likes to tell it how it is.

Brock: (at the San Mateo Landfill) This city doesn't care about these people any more than the killer does.

NC: (adjusting his glasses) I'll stick with DailyBugle.net, (Shot of that website appears in the corner) thank you very much.

(A quick-cut of various shots of Oakland is shown, sliding across the screen as they do)

Brock (vo): Eddie Brock here, reporting today from downtown Oakland...

NC (vo): Oh, no!

NC: (clasping his hands over his head) They're taking on Ang Lee's Hulk! STOP, MOVIE, STOP!

(The quick-cut montage ends as Brock enters MNBN, the news studio where he works)

NC (vo): Oh, they do. They...only use this style once, and then it's never used again.

NC: (confused) Isn't that kind of like transitioning like this...

(A transition effect from the old Batman TV show is played, with Venon's head in place of the bat head, before showing Brock at the studio)

NC (vo): ...and then never doing that again?

Symbiote: Talk about Eddie's character.

NC: (rolls eyes) Christ, I forgot you were a thing.

Symbiote: That's what most people say about this movie. Now talk about Eddie's character.

NC: (shakes head) What about him? He's just...

(A clip of Brock is shown)

NC (vo): ...a typical online journalist: a little eccentric, kooky, and talking like he's John Travolta from the '70s.

(A montage of clips of Brock is shown)

Brock: They still say Sting is king! / All right, I'll do it. / M.I.T.!

NC: Again, like most online journalists.

Symbiote: That's the thing: Eddie Brock is not like that.

(A montage of panels showing the comic version of Brock is shown)

Symbiote (vo): He was raised in a strict Catholic household, with his mother dying in childbirth, leaving him with an angry, resentful father. While drunk driving, he accidentally kills a little boy and wants to go to jail for his punishment. But his father refuses to let him go to prison. He thinks he earns his father's approval by exposing a serial killer. But Spider-Man brings in the real culprit. This results in him being fired, his wife getting a divorce, his father cutting all ties, and he even considers suicide. Thus, he wants revenge on Spider-Man as he projects all his years of anger and abuse onto him.

NC: (stunned) Wow. All of that sounds...insanely interesting. Like he was meant to be a complex villain.

Symbiote: Yes. Now what happens to this Brock?

NC: Well...

(The movie version of Brock is shown again)

NC (vo): ...he tries exposing Drake for some of his wrongdoings by checking Anne's emails who works for him.

Brock: (to his boss) I don't have a source per se, but I have a hunch–

Boss (Ron Cephas Jones): You don't go off half-cocked based on a hunch.

NC: (confused) You sure you're not an online journalist?

NC (vo): Anyway, Drake gets him fired, also resulting in Anne leaving him, and six months later, he's...I guess bummed out, but still seems well enough to live in San Francisco, give twenty dollars to homeless people, pay rent on a giant-ass apartment, drink in high-end bars, and look like he just got off of a GQ cover.

NC: Again, not poor, but '90s movie poor.

Storekeeper: (to Brock) You look like shit!

NC: Does he?

Symbiote: Exactly. It's missing both the depth of the character and the reason for his depth, so you feel very little.

NC: Oh, come on. He challenges...

(The scene of Brock in the bar is shown again as he looks toward another bar patron with a beard and wears glasses)

NC (vo): ...neck-beards. That's gotta count for something.

Neck-Beard: Some people are trying to watch that.

Brock: Oh, you are, are you?

NC (vo; as Neck-Beard): Okay, I am way too hipster to go up against Tom Hardy.

NC: (scratching his neck) You know, I was thinking about growing a neck beard. (Symbiote punches him) Thank you.

Symbiote: No problem.

(Brock rummages through an empty newspaper rack)

NC (vo): An empty newspaper stand? Now I know this is a work of fiction.

Homeless Woman: It costs you five dollars?

Brock: Five dollars for a paper that's free?

NC (vo): He befriends other San Francisco-nites down on their luck as Hardy, per usual, is giving a very entertaining performance.

Brock: (to the homeless woman) Carlton Drake wouldn't let me finish. And you should be very, very, very afraid.

NC: But it's so odd and angsty...

NC (vo): ...it's kind of like he already thinks he has his Venom powers.

NC: (director voice, holding his hand over his mouth like a megaphone) All right, Tom, we're gonna make you really cool and not at all crazy when we put these effects in.

NC (vo): So constantly act like there's black goo flying around you and keep making Bobcat Goldthwait sounds.

(A montage occurs, alternating between Hardy as Brock and Goldthwait in his different performances)

Brock: (looking in newsstand) Oh...

Goldthwait: Oh!

Brock: (on cell phone) Huh?

Goldthwait: (in shower) Argh!

Brock: Huh?

Goldthwait: (doing stand-up) HUH?!

Brock: (in a hospital bed) What was that?

Goldthwait: Was I good?

Brock: (giggles exaggeratedly)

Goldthwait: (giggles exaggeratedly)

Brock: (covering himself with a pillow) Ugh!

Goldthwait: (doing stand-up, sticking out tongue) ARGH!

NC: (as director, looking over shoulder) What's that? (Symbiote noises are heard) No effects are going there? (looks back into camera, speaking into "megaphone" again) By God, STOP! (looks over his shoulder again) What? We don't have time to do reshoots? (looks back into camera, giving a thumbs-up) It looks great! (nods)

NC (vo): He's approached by a scientist named Dora Skirth, who says Drake is up to no good and she can get him a story to expose him.

Brock: ...because I am done. I am done with all of this shit.

NC (vo): He says he's not interested, but he randomly bumps into his ex-fiancee and suddenly, he's interested again.

Brock: Gonna try and find our way back?

Weying: You did this, Eddie.

(Cut to Brock standing on a rail on the Golden Gate Bridge. He takes out his phone and calls a number)

Dr. Skirth (Jenny Slate): (on phone) Hello, this is Dr. Skirth.

Brock: Talk to me.

NC (vo; as Dr. Skirth): What changed your mind? (as Brock) My old girlfriend reminded me I suck. (as Skirth) Okay, whatever, get you up in the morning.

NC: Thankfully, there's no...

NC (vo): ...security cameras to record their break-in...

NC: ...because, you know, SMART!

NC (vo): ...as she takes him to the symbiotes they found in space as well as the human host they've been experimenting on.

(Brock and Skirth go down an elevator)

Brock: Aliens? (jokingly makes alien noises)

NC: You really trust this guy to tell a credible story about what's going on in this place?

NC (vo): I trust a story from (Image of the following appears in the corner...) Bruce Almighty before believing this putz.

(The test subject, a homeless woman named Maria, pounds on the door. Brock makes the foolish mistake of breaking open the glass containment she's in to free her, not realizing that she is contagious)

NC (vo): He sees one of the homeless people infected with the symbiote and breaks her out, resulting in him getting infected.

(Brock then runs from the facility with the security guards trying to shoot at him. As bullets fly around him, he ducks into some woods)

NC (vo): We get honestly a pretty decent chase scene as he outruns the security. (The guards pursue in ATV carts) Oh, they do have that, huh? Yeah, four-wheelers, guns, motorcycles, but not one security camera.

NC: You know, 'cause... (shrugs awkwardly)

NC (vo): And he makes his way back home, where he starts acting strange.

(He starts rummaging around and devouring food noisily, including some discarded food in the trash)

Brock: I've got a bunch of photographs. You will publish these photographs, but I need you to come with me. Now, could you just call me back? I'll be back.

NC: Actually, what am I talking about? This is not that much different from how he was before.

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