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Van Helsing

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Aired
October 16, 2018
Running Time
31:35
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(The Channel Awesome logo and the 2018 Nostalgia-Ween title sequence are shown)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Halloween is all about monsters.

(A montage of movie monsters is shown, depicting them in movies together (i.e., Alien vs. Predator, Freddy vs. Jason, Dracula vs. Frankenstein, Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, House of Dracula, etc.))

NC (vo): Different looks, different powers, different personalities, and how they interact with others. But we're realizing what's even more interesting than monsters interacting with people is monsters interacting with monsters. What if all those distinct, extremist characters came together? Would they get along? Would they fight? Or would they fall somewhere in between? This is an idea that can and has been awesomely exploited.

NC: And us sellouts at Nostalgia-Ween are no different! So, let's bring some of the craziest monsters together! Jason!

(Jason Voorhees (played by Doug) appears in front of a red curtain)

NC: The Ring Girl!

(Samara Morgan (played by Tamara) appears in front of the curtain)

NC: Jigsaw!

(Billy the Puppet appears in front of the curtain)

NC: The Invisible Man!

(The curtain is shown, with no one in front of it)

NC: Hannibal Lecter!

(Hannibal Lecter (Rob) appears in front of the curtain, holding a severed leg in one hand and a pizza slicer in the other)

Hannibal Lecter: Hello.

NC: (crossing his arms) These are some of the most iconic, yet different movie monsters that have ever been given to us, together at last!

(The crowd of movie monsters stands together in front of the curtain)

NC: And, of course, they're all bound together by one common denominator, (holds up index finger) the one element of which the majority of focus should be on... their accountant!

(The monsters hear someone clear their throat and look down to see an accountant (played by Malcolm) seated at a desk and looking into a binder)

Accountant: The IRS requires filing a tax return and each year that your income is greater than your standard deduction, plus add on one exemption if you are not...

Hannibal Lecter: All right, what's going on here?

NC: Well, he's the one thing that binds you all together.

Samara: Yeah, but he's, like, really boring.

Accountant: (still talking this whole time) ...you are probably racking up interest...

NC: Oh, what, did you think that people really just wanted to see you cool, badass monsters together?

Monsters: Yeah! Yes!

Hannibal Lecter: Pretty much.

NC: No, no, no, no, they want to see a dull guy with no personality constantly steal the spotlight.

Billy (voiced by Doug): This is bullshit.

NC: I assure you it's not.

Billy: I assure you it's bullshit.

NC: Well, I'm just copying the master of rebooted monster movies, Stephen Sommers.

(The monsters all stare briefly)

Monsters: Who?

NC: (scoffs) The brilliant mind behind G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra?

Monsters: (beat) Who?

NC: You know, the guy behind The Mummy, (the monsters groan) The Mummy Returns, (the monsters groan again) and his epic opus, Van Helsing!

(The monsters all groan louder than ever)

Hannibal Lecter: What a preposterous piece of posh!

(The title for this 2004 movie is shown, followed by clips)

NC (vo): A most amazing idea with some of the world's most amazing monsters is turned into a most amazing snorefest. This is because most of the time is centered around dated effects, fake action and a main character so bland, you could call him Bland. Did that analogy seem bland? THEN IT FITS THE CHARACTER PERFECTLY! With Dracula, the Wolfman, the Frankenstein monster, Jekyll and Hyde, this should have been a kick-ass thrill ride, but instead feels like skid marks in the Scorpion King's underwear. So, what went wrong with this gritty reboot of Abbott and Costello? (The poster for Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein appears)

NC: Well, let's look in more detail. Unless our exciting main character has more thrill to give us!

Accountant: It's important to understand American Opportunity Credit. (The monsters are shown looking pretty pissed at him) This is worth up to 2500 per student for the first four...

Billy: This is bullshit.

NC: Let's take a look at Van Helsing.

(First, we're shown the Universal logo in black-and-white)

NC (vo): We open with the Universal logo...but where's the Dark Universe add-on?

(The clip from Family Guy episode "Blue Harvest" (a parody of Star Wars: A New Hope) is shown)

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Awww, too soo-

(The movie starts in 1887, keeping its black-and-white look, with a mob of villagers storming the castle of Dr. Victor Frankenstein)

NC (vo): ...as we see an angry mob so subtle and believable, you'd swear they were from the Count Chocula commercial.

Top Hat: There he is! Hit it again!

(The mob hits the doors with the battering ram. Cut to a clip from the Count Chocula ad)

NC (vo; as Chocula): (acting scared) They're after my marshmallows!

(The mob breaks the doors open, as the caption "Transylvania 1887" appears)

NC (vo): They head towards the Castle Frankenstein in...Transylvania...

NC: (as a map of Europe is shown with Germany highlighted in green and Romania in orange) Yeah, all those Germans who hop-skipped over to Romania.

(Meanwhile in the castle, Dr. Frankenstein (Samuel West) creates a monster (Shuler Hensley) with the aid of Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh))

NC (vo): ...as the doctor has brought his classic monster to life, pleasing his good friend Count Dracula, played by Richard Roxburgh, (Three posters of Mission: Impossible 2, Moulin Rouge and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen appear) who's slowly becoming the kiss of death around here.

Dracula: A pity your moment of triumph is being spoiled over a little thing like grave robbery.

NC: So Roxburgh, I can't really say is a good Dracula, but...he's a lot of fun in this.

NC (vo): Honestly, this whole intro is kind of entertaining, in a "Sin City meets 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo" way.

Dracula: Your peculiar experiments have made you unwelcome in most of the civilized world. (The lightning strikes, revealing his true vampire self in form of a were-bat)

NC: (as Dracula) That was my tribute to (clip of...) Monster Squad. Trust me, there'll be a lot more references to that than the Universal movies!

NC (vo): Dracula wants the monster for himself, and it seems even Igor has betrayed the good doctor.

Victor: Igor! Help me!

(Igor shows up, coming from above)

Igor: You have been so kind to me, Doctor. Caring, thoughtful.

NC: And they said...

NC (vo): ...they'd never make another (a shot from...) White Chicks.

Victor: (takes out a sword, to Dracula) Stay back!

Dracula: You can't kill me, Victor. (He impales himself through the sword to prove his words)

NC (vo; as Dracula): Oh, my bad. You totally can. Ow.

(Dracula kills Victor, which angers the monster. He picks up his couch and throws it at Dracula, sending him to the fireplace. The monster takes the body of his creator and escapes to the top of the windmill. Dracula comes out of the fireplace, restoring his skin. The villagers set the mill ablaze)

NC (vo): The monster attacks Dracula, though, and carries the doctor to the windmill. But Emo-tep...oh, come on, I need a drum beat on that one... (Ba-dum-tss!) ...thank you...is not done yet with him, and his wives try to catch him as the villagers burn down the mill. The monster sums up the movie's existence in one word.

Frankenstein's Monster: WHYYYYYYYY?!

NC: (as a villager, smiling) Why? Because we hate you.

(The monster falls into the burning windmill as Dracula and his brides scare the villagers away)

NC (vo): All joking aside, this opening is pretty awesome. It's silly, but it's an over-the-top take on classic monster themes, and shadows, and angles, and gothic melodrama.

NC: At first, you might think this is gonna be a lot of fun.

(One year has passed, and we're shown the "Wanted" poster on the brick wall, now in color)

NC (vo): But then it goes to color.

NC: (squints) ...I think.

(We see that it's the dark streets of Paris)

NC (vo): Actually, why wasn't this whole movie shot in black-and-white? It just looks like the negative was thrown in the washer with Pinhead's clothes.

(The titular character is first shown (half of his face covered by clothing), negotiating with monsterous Mr. Hyde)

NC (vo): We're introduced to one of our main chracters, played by Kate Beckinsale... (Van Helsing reveales his face) Hugh Jackman...

(Cut to a clip from Tombstone)

Curly Bill: Prettiest man I ever saw.

NC (vo): ...who plays the title role of Van Helsing.

NC: They say he's hunting Mr. Hyde...

NC (vo): ...but I don't know. He looks like the Big Friendly Giant's testicle wart.

Van Helsing: My superiors would like for me to take you alive.

Hyde (voiced by Robbie Coltrane): (speaking with a Scottish accent) Do let's. (hits Van Helsing)

NC: (imitating Shrek) Donkey!

(Van Helsing and Hyde fight at the Notre-Dame Cathedral)

NC (vo): The scene is once again fake and cheesy, but a little bit of fun, as Hyde is swung around Notre-Dame, surprisingly not making a bad Hunchback joke...guess they figured Disney would do that... (The DVD cover for The Hunchback of Notre Dame II appears) ...as he transforms back into Jekyll before hitting the ground.

(Hyde falls from great height, but then he turns back into Dr. Jekyll and is therefore killed)

Van Helsing: (speaking Latin, crosses his heart) Requiescat in pace. (Note: this means "Rest in peace")

NC: Did he say "Ridley Scott's apology"?

(The scene of him saying "Requiescat in pace" is played again, but if you listen closely, it really sounds like "Ridley Scott's apology". The poster for Alien: Covenant appears after Van Helsing has finished talking)

NC (vo): Let Covenant go, buddy. He's never gonna ask for forgiveness for that.

(Van Helsing rides off on his horse as thrilling music is heard)

NC (vo): That kick-ass Alan Silvestri score picks up again for... (Cut to the next morning in the Vatican City, Rome, where Van Helsing has arrived at to enter his secret lair) the Vatican, as he enters his secret headquarters. It looks like the Vatican is a giant meeting place of religious leaders who hunt down different monsters all over the world.

NC: Oh, is that why so many of the world's religions get along so well?

Cardinal Jinette: We have kept mankind safe since time immemorial. (Snaps his fingers, causing a man to activate a projector, which shows a map) And now, we need you to go to the east.

NC: (looking bewildered) Was that guy...

(That moment is shown again, with an arrow pointing to the man turning on the projector)

NC (vo): ...just waiting for the snap like that was his entire job?

NC (vo; as Cardinal Jinette): (to Van Helsing) You are the hunter of monsters. (To the projector man) And you, you are the pusher of buttons. I know it's not as glamorous, but I can't do it. Wait, yes, I can. You are fired, pusher of buttons!

Cardinal Jinette: Lorded over by a certain Count Dracula.

NC (vo): He's told to hunt down Dracula by helping the princess of gypsies, Anna.

(The next slide in the projector shows Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale))

Cardinal Jinette: For more than four centuries, this family..

NC (vo; as Van Helsing): (thinking) Ooh, I have to get her shampoo.

(Van Helsing is told to go to a friar of the Holy Order named Carl, played by David Wenham, who provides him with weapons)

NC (vo): But because he's 00-slayer, he also needs cool weapons. So we get David Wenham playing a friar named... (This name appears below) Carl.

NC: Friar Carl. Isn't that like having a Saint Bob?

Carl: You've never gone after vampires before now, have you?

Van Helsing: Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same.

NC: Oh. Well, good to know that Van Helsing doesn't know the difference between a vampire and a gargoyle!

Van Helsing: Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same.

NC: (as Van Helsing) Milk, alcohol, poison. It's all the same to give a baby.

Van Helsing: That's why you're coming with me.

Carl: Holy hell be damned that I am.

Van Helsing: You're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.

Carl: Actually, I'm still just a friar. I can curse all I want...damn it.

NC: (laughs and waves off) You were Faramir. Now you're...

(The clip of Carl wearing a hat with two lenses that enlarge his eyes is shown alongside the shot of Maurice from Beauty and the Beast with the similar hat)

NC (vo): ...the embarrassing cartoon design to make everyone else look cooler by comparison.

NC: It's funny, because I'll never look like you with my shirt off. (Dilios from 300 is shown)

(We cut to Velkan, Anna's brother, played by Will Kemp, serving as a bait for the Wolf Man. This monster appears, and Anna first reveals herself, preparing to attack)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, a gypsy prince is left out for bait to catch a werewolf. When things go wrong, though, his sister, played by Kate Beckinsale...

NC: (as the posters for Underworld and this movie are shown) ...Weirdly typecast as werewolf and vampire hunters...

NC (vo): ...comes in to save him...ish.

(Velkan pushes Anna away and takes the Wolf Man's blow for himself, as they fall down a cliff and into river, where they probably drown)

NC: (as Anna) Well, my character's totally established now.

(Anna runs away into the forest and to the center of Transylvania. This is followed by a montage of action scenes later in the movie)

NC (vo): Oh, yeah. Don't expect a lot of backstory, personality or even interest out of this person. Much like our main lead, she's just there to do stuff and look good while doing it. The only problem is, so many people look good while doing stuff and have charming personalities, that the simple act of not smiling doesn't give you a three-dimensional character!

(During the above sentence, a collage of famous action characters is shown. Clockwise, from top left: Ellen Ripley from the Alien franchise, Lara Croft from the 2000s Tomb Raider movies, Project Alice from Resident Evil movies, Erica Bain from The Brave One, Luz from Machete, T-800 from the Terminator movies, Ash Williams from the Evil Dead franchise, Nada from They Live, John McClane from the Die Hard films and John Rambo from the Rambo movies)

NC (vo): You have to talk about things. Interesting things. Not just shitty plot exposition like this.

(Van Helsing and Carl have entered a town and walk through a crowded street while spouting exposition)

Carl: Why is it so important to kill this Dracula anyway?

Van Helsing: (Pulling his hat over his face) Because he is the son of the Devil.

Carl: I mean, besides that.

Van Helsing: Because if we kill him, anything bitten...

NC (vo): No, no.

NC: That's enough. Do you really need more motivation than that?

Top Hat: (to Van Helsing and Carl, appearing out of nowhere) Welcome to Transylvania.

NC (vo; as Top Hat): I was just about to do the time-warp again.

(The camera is positioned in a way to look between Anna's boots on the backs of Van Helsing and Carl, as she stands on a scaffold)

Anna: You. Turn around.

(Van Helsing turns around to see Anna)

NC (vo): So Van Helsing goes to...

NC: (sighs) I just realized this.

NC (vo): ...a snowy European kingdom in the 1800s to talk to Princess Anna.

NC: (as the poster for Frozen appears next to him) Disney really is trying to buy everything!

NC (vo): But, oh, no. Our two main characters are meeting, and we haven't established shit about them! No, really. I don't know a goddamn thing about their desires, personalities, anything.

NC: Is the director going to (The captions show the options below NC) A: Give us some insight into their persona- (Makes a dismissive hand wave) Nah, you know it's B: Panic.

(Anna goes down, revealing that Dracula's brides, who look in their vampire form more like featherless harpies than vampires, attack the town. Van Helsing fires at them with a crossbow)

NC (vo): Yep. They talked for 35 seconds before giving us another goddamn action sequence! Ooh, I'm excited this bland chunk of wood is fighting alongside this dried piece of cardboard! What will the boring one do to save the other boring one? This is like seeing really cool monsters go up against a can of soup!

(We cut back to our group of monsters. Jason takes out a can of Campbell's, and all charge and growl at it to a dramatic music... And that's about it. They get tired of this after a few seconds and stop)

Billy: This is bullshit. (Hannibal hits the can with his pizza slicer for good measure)

NC (vo): So Dracula's wives attack and, again, they're pretty silly, but at least they have personality.

(One of the brides, Aleera (Elena Anaya) picks up Anna and carries her to the sky)

Aleera: Do you like to FLY, Anna?!

NC: (smirking) See? That was stupid, but at least I'll remember it.

Aleera: Do you like to FLY, Anna?!

NC (vo): Does she always ask random questions that way?

NC: (holding a set of cards) Do you have any twos, HUUUH?!

Aleera: Do you like to FLY, Anna?!

NC: (with two Photoshopped grocery bags on the table) Paper or plastic, HUUUH?!

Aleera: Do you like to FLY, Anna?!

NC: Daddy, would you like some SAUSAGEEEE... Actually, that would fit too well.

NC (vo): What is up with the editing, by the way? I swear, I'm not tampering with this! It's so rushed and chaotic, I can't even make it out!

(One of the brides violently pushes Van Helsing into the pile of crates. Cut to...her doing the same thing, only in the right side. Then cut to...Van Helsing hit against the wooden house)

NC: (flummoxed) What the hell even was that? Just random moments in time of him getting hit?

NC (vo): If you don't establish a narrative to the action, we lose interest really quickly. Anyone can just cut to random shots of people being punched!

(We are shown again one of the brides hitting Van Helsing...and a short clip from the movie Friday which shows Deebo hitting Red so hard, he flies across the highway. After the bride's second hit, we cut to a famous clip from The Avengers with the Hulk punching Thor out of the shot. The third hit...and a clip of the playthrough of Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!, showing Tyson himself being defeated)

NC: See? Not exciting! (pauses for a bit) Who am I kidding? Knocking out Mike Tyson's always exciting.

NC (vo): So they use holy water to super-soak one of them to death.

(Van Helsing nails another bride of Dracula, Marishka, to a top of the church and splashes some water on her. Marishka's skin starts to slowly melt off of her bones, kind of like it is in Blade, and she finally dies. Van Helsing draws a cross in front of him)

NC (vo; as Van Helsing): Forgive me, Father, I said yes to this movie.

Anna: (to the townsfolk) He is the first one to kill a vampire in over a hundred years.

(Meanwhile, the two brides return to Dracula and take a rest on the ceiling, and Dracula goes to them via walking up a pillar. Mavis' introductory scene in Hotel Transylvania, with her walking on a wall and into the ceiling, is shown above)

NC (vo): So Van Helsing earns Anna's trust, but Dracula is so furious, he pulls a Mavis pounding up the walls. I guess that's a vampire thing.

(Dracula tells the brides he will find a replacement for Marishka)

Aleera: Do we mean so little to you?!

Verona (Silvia Colocca): Have you no heart?!

Dracula: (after a pause, in an exaggerated manner) NO!

NC: (as Dracula) Don't try to out-ham me! I worked with John Woo and Baz Luhrmann! I have so much ham, I am ending Looney Tunes shorts!

(Back to our bland couple of vampire slayers)

NC (vo): So Anna talks about her motivation, her passion, and overall, what makes her tick.

NC: (waves off dismissively again) Nah, I'm just kidding! They talk about stuff they did and stuff they're going to do.

Van Helsing: Where do I find Dracula?

Carl: Uh, yes.

Anna: He used to live in this very house four centuries ago.

Van Helsing: I can help you.

Anna: (takes the sword from a wall) I can handle this myself.

NC: (nods with an incredulous look) Mm-hmm. So when does she get kidnapped?

NC (vo): Funny thing: tough people don't have to actually say they're tough people, they just act that way. So when someone has to prove they're not a damsel in distress, it's usually lazy writing clarifying that's exactly what they are.

(We are shown a clip from Mortal Kombat (1995))

Sonya (Bridgette Wilson): I can take care of myself.

(A shot of her being captured by Shang Tsung is shown with the caption "Needed saving" below her. Next one is Megara from Hercules)

Megara: (in the grasps of a centaur) I'm a damsel. I'm in distress. I can handle this.

(Cut to a later shot of her being hold captive by Hades' smoke with the caption again. The last one is Jubilee from the X-Men cartoon)

Jubilee: I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

(Several shots of her being captured are shown with the caption "Pick one")

NC (vo): And seeing what empty shells these two are, it probably won't be long until she can't handle herse- (Van Helsing knocks Anna out with a sleeping gas for her safety) I didn't think it'd be that quickly.

(Anna wakes up at night and sees she's lying on a bed)

Anna: (through her teeth) Van Helsing.

NC: I don't even really get it. Why did he knock her out?

(Anna hears a noise, so she takes a gun. She encounters Velkan, who reveals that Dracula has a dark secret, but to her horror, he becomes the Wolf Man after having been bitten by the original one earlier. He is scared by Van Helsing with another gun and jumps into a window)

NC (vo): Was it to protect her? A lot of good that did. Her brother sneaks in, transformed into a werewolf and tries to kill her. Was he using her as bait to catch the werewolf? Well, he sure wasn't on guard when the werewolf finally made his woof. Thank God she wasn't still unconscious when he broke in, Van Dumbass!

(The camera takes a close-up of Van Helsing slowly loading his gun outside. One bullet, then the second one...)

NC (vo; sarcastically): Gee, will a third bullet go in? (Yes, Van Helsing finishes the loading with the third one) It did. Why did we focus on that?!

(Van Helsing approaches Top Hat working at a cemetery as a grave digger)

Van Helsing: Little late to be digging graves, isn't it?

Top Hat: Never too late to dig graves.

(Van Helsing hears a glass breaking and turns around. Top Hat prepares to strike him with his shovel. Van Helsing intercepts and holds him at gunpoint)

NC (vo): So the town undertaker tries to pointlessly kill him.

Top Hat: (nervously) It's just...my nature.

NC: (confused) Ha-ha?

(Velkan appears and charges at Top Hat, killing him. Van Helsing aims to shoot, but Anna makes him miss, and Velkan runs away)

NC (vo): But the werewolf attacks, and Helsing tries to kill him, with Anna stopping him.

Van Helsing: He's a werewolf, he's gonna kill people!

Anna: He can't help it! It's not his fault!

Van Helsing: I know, but he'll do it anyway!

Anna: Do you understand forgiveness?

Van Helsing: Yes.

NC: (as Van Helsing) So you can forgive me when I kill him.

Van Helsing: To have memories of those you loved and lost is...perhaps harder than to have no memories at all.

NC (vo; as Anna): Not that we'll dive into those memories, because...then you'd have depth. Let's just go wind literal hair of the dog who bit me.

NC: But fear not. We have this...

(Van Helsing and Anna find a cloak of Velkan's wool, and it leads them to Dr. Frankenstein's castle)

NC (vo): ...amazing insight as they chase the wolf to Frankenstein's castle!

Van Helsing: It was just after that that your father went missing.

Anna: He was on his way to the sea. I have never been to the sea. I'll bet it's beautiful.

NC: (really doesn't have anything to add at this point) ...Sucks.

NC (vo): You know, weird thing: maybe we should talk about personal stuff during personal scenes and strategic stuff during strategic scenes, not the other goddamn way around?

NC: But fine. Give us some more information on your fascination with the sea-

(Cut immediately to Frankenstein's laboratory)

Dracula: Werewolves are such a nuisance.

NC: I guess it stops there.

NC (vo): That's all we needed to have a fascinating character, I guess.

NC: Well, I guess I should do something like that for my main character's development, too.

(Cut to our monster group, who are listening to the tax instructions of the accountant)

Accountant: Pull out your federal and state tax returns from the previous year. (Suddenly talks to the camera) I like pies. (Turns back to his documents) For income information, you'll need the forms you received from your employer and banks.

NC: (whispers through the accountant's explanation, makes an "A-okay" gesture) Nailed it. (nods, satisfied)

NC (vo): So they come across Dracula's unborn. (While we see the egg sacks of Dracula's offspring, NC stumbles through his explanation of what they are) Well, they're born, they're just dead, because he's undead, which means alive, so they should be alive...

NC: (gives up) You know what? I'll just let them explain it.

Anna: Vampires are the walking dead. It only makes sense their children are born dead.

NC: (waves his hands) Cleared that up.

Van Helsing: (clears his throat) Ladies first.

NC (vo; as Van Helsing): Sooo...naturally, I'll go first. (whispers) Where do you get your shampoo, by the way? (normal) It looks like Dracula wants to use Frankenstein's technology to bring his offspring to live, and Anna's brother is a slave to his word now. As well as these random guys.

(We see some little, human-like creatures, called Dwergi, carrying some over-sized cables around)

NC (vo; as the Dwergies, singing): Oompa-Loompa, doom-pa-de-depth, at least we're not working for Johnny Depp.

(The egg sacks are infused with energy from the machine, giving life to Dracula's offspring, who look more like gargoyles than vampires. The offsprings then fly out the windows and pass by Dracula's old mansion)

NC (vo): The technology seems to work, giving birth to...Vampiremon, and they rush to the village to feed.

NC: (imitating the Wicked Witch from the West) Fly, my shitties, fly, fly! Aha-ha-ha-ha!

NC (vo): Dracula finds Helsing, though, and confronts him.

Dracula: I can tell the character of a man by the sound of his heartbeat. (claps his hands, imitating a beating heart) When I approach...I can almost dance.

NC: It's the only applause you'll gonna get in this movie, might as well drag it out.

Dracula: You don't remember, do you?

Van Helsing: Exactly what is it I should be remembering?

Dracula: Horrific scenes of ancient battles past.

Van Helsing: How do you know me?

NC: (as Dracula) Because I have a 50/50 chance you're gonna play someone who doesn't know his backstory. (The posters of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, The Fountain and of this movie are shown) Branch out, man!

Dracula: Would you like me to refresh your memory a little? A few details from your sordid past.

NC: No, don't show him! It's too horrifying!

(While Van Helsing looks shocked, his scene fades into the background, revealing Jackman's performance in "Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'" from Oklahoma)

Curly McLain (Jackman): (singing) Oh, what a beautiful morning! Oh, what a...

(Suddenly, Van Helsing graps his cross, puts it into Dracula's hand, causing it to catch fire and burning Dracula)

NC: (as Van Helsing, in the manner of Logan from Logan) That's not OK! (Beat) L-A-H-O-M-A.

NC (vo): Helsing and Anna escape, and the bat babies explode, not having a very long lifespan.

(Dracula watches the death of his offspring from the top of his castle. His two brides are lamenting in the background, Velkan jumps onto the roof and shakes the liquid off, while Igor observes the result of his experiment)

Dracula: It would appear the good doctor took the key to life to his grave.

NC (vo; as Dracula): Now let me take a shit here in peace. Wolfie clogged up the toilet again.

(The rain starts, so Van Helsing and Anna take cover in the remains of a windmill)

NC (vo): Our heroes come across the old windmill to hide out in. Okay, cool. Maybe now we're gonna find out more about them... (The roof under the two collapses, and they fall inside) or the set itself tries to kill them.

NC: I really couldn't blame it.

(An unknown person starts attacking Van Helsing and Anna)

NC (vo): Take a guess who they happen to stumble across, though.

(The attacker is Frankenstein's monster. Onscreen, NC imitates his incoherent moaning, like in many other shows or movies)

NC (vo): Actually, to the film's credit, it does follow the book a little more of having the monster actually be intelligent and well-spoken. I guess that's enough to convince Helsing not to kill him.

Van Helsing: My job is to vanquish evil. This thing...evil may have created it, but evil does not rule it, so I cannot kill it.

NC: (realizes the loophole of the situation) Well, it didn't seem to stop you when...

NC (vo): ...innocent Jekyll was falling to his death! In fact, what did they say about your unnecessary killings?

(Cut back to the scene of Carl packing Van Helsing up with weapons)

Carl: You killed him, didn't you? That's why they get so annoyed. When they ask you to bring someone back, they don't mean as a corpse.

NC: I think the monsters actually kill less than your humanitarian ass!

(Van Helsing, Anna and Carl put Frankenstein's monster into a carriage to get him to Rome, but chain him so he couldn't escape)

NC (vo): So they try to get the monster to Rome to protect him from Dracula. I guess this could be nice. We could find out more about one of literature's most famous characters.

(As Van Helsing and Anna operate the carriage to Budapest, Carl guards the monster inside)

Frankenstein's Monster: Let me go!

Carl: Where are you going to go? I don't know if you've looked in a mirror lately, but you kind of stick out in a crowd.

NC: (as he already knows we won't get much) Please tell me that's not it.

(Velkan in his Wolf Man form attacks the carriage)

NC: (annoyed) Literally dozens of movies have been made about this character, and you're just doing...

NC (vo): ...another Disney/Pixar action sequence!

NC: Because, yeah. Why have crap like this...

(Cut to a clip from Bride of Frankenstein (1935), which shows the old blind hermit thanking God for sending him a friend)

Hermit: ...and now, out of the silence of the night, hast brought two of thy lonely children together. (Frankenstein's monster sheds a tear)

NC: ...when we can have high art like this?

(The horses driving the carriage jump over a cliff)

NC (vo; as Van Helsing): This is the stupidest thing I've ever done, and I was in X-Men Origins: Wolverine!

(The horses make it, but the carriage doesn't and it falls off a cliff. Dracula's brides fly to it, but discover there is no one in here and it was a trap for them. Verona is crushed by a carriage. Meanwhile, Van Helsing manages to kill Velkan as the Wolf Man, and he dies, transforming back into his human form)

NC (vo): After falling down the friggin' longest cliff ever, the monsters are fought off, with Anna's brother biting the dust.

Anna: You killed him. You killed him! (pushes him, sobbing)

Van Helsing: Now you know why they call me murderer.

NC: Oh, yeah... (chuckles) That's why they call you murderer, because you kill people! (stops chuckling) That's the stupidest line in this movie.

(Anna sees a bleeding wound on Van Helsing's shoulder)

Anna: Oh, my God. You've been bitten.

(Scared, Anna runs away from Van Helsing)

NC (vo): Whoa. Well, that's a development. Maybe now we'll finally have the conversation about it- (The remaining bride, Aleera, appears behind Anna and knocks her out) oh, nooope.

(Aleera captures Anna and takes off)

NC (vo; as Anna): I can handle myself!

NC: (slams the table in frustration) Christ, this isn't character development or a monster movie, or even a movie! It's Stephen Sommers playing with his dolls!

(Cut to a skit, showing Sommers (Doug) playing with some action figures on the table like a little kid. "Blue Danube Waltz" by Johann Brahms II is heard in the background)

Sommers: "Oh, no, Dracula's over there! We have to go over there now!" (imitates shooting) "Oh, no, he's over there, we have to go over there now!" (imitates shooting) "No, he's over there!" ("shoots") "No, he's over there!" ("shoots", then takes another figure) "I have few lines!" (takes one more) "I'm the Wolf Man!" (howls, makes the punching sounds) "Now you're the Wolf Man!" "Oh, no!" (takes another) "Wait, aren't you my brother?" "Who cares? You're kidnapped!" "Aaaah!" (knocks out the figure and picks up one more) "Oh, no, what's my backstory?" (takes yet one more) "Your backstory is bleh, bleh!" "I'm Dracula, bleh!"

Secretary (Tamara): (opens the door) Mr. Sommers?

Sommers: (picks all the figures and tries to hide them) What?!?

Secretary: One of your brilliantly written scripts is needed, sir.

Sommers: Knock on my door! Knock next time!

Secretary: Yes, sir.

Sommers: (looks around) Do you see anything?

Secretary: No, sir, I didn't see Universal giving you millions of dollars again.

Sommers: Good! (The secretary closes the door)

Executive (Malcolm): (via phone) Well, that all sounded great. How about a budget of 160 million?

Sommers: Sounds good, Universal. (hangs up and continues playing) Bleh, bleh, bleh! Aah, aah, aah! Boo! Ha-ha-haa, ha-ha-haa!

(We go to a commercial. After returning, we're shown Van Helsing, Carl and Frankenstein's monster encountering Aleera in Budapest)

NC (vo): So our heroes walk into town, looking like the opening of a joke, as they're approach by one of Dracula's wives.

Aleera: The master commands a trade. The monster for the Princess.

(Aleera flies up and disappears behind a bridge, laughing and squealing wickedly)

NC: That's the laughable woman who suddenly realized there were killer dogs on the other side of that wall.

(The scene is repeated, but with added sounds of growling dogs. Next, we cut to a ball held at Dracula's castle, where Anna, who's fallen into a trance, is along the guests. Van Helsing and Carl (the latter wearing a harlequin costume) walk to the castle through the cemetery)

NC (vo): She says there's a masquerade ball where they can make the trade, allowing some of our characters to dress like what they really are.

Carl: You won't turn into a werewolf until the rising of your first full moon. Even then, you'll still be able to fight Dracula's hold over you until the final stroke of midnight.

NC: This whole movie is that blue tart...

(Fi from The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword is shown)

NC (vo): ...from Skyward Sword who keeps telling you things you have to do.

NC: Just let me play the damn game!

(A woman in black is shown close to the camera)

NC (vo): Yeah, I guess it figured Helena Bonham Carter would be in this.

(The woman turns to the guests, revealing herself to be an opera singer (Zuzana Durdinová), and starts her aria)

NC: Ooh! That's not her. She can sing.

Dracula: (waltzing with Anna) How does it feel to be a puppet on my string?

NC: (smirking) The director asked the performers that every day.

Anna: (as Dracula turns her around) You make my skin crawl.

NC (vo; as Anna): And my dubbing sloppy.

Vampire Child: (pointing to an entrance) Look, master! Look!

(Frankenstein's monster is taken by the count's underlings while Van Helsing and Carl wake up and rescue Anna. The monster is tied to a mast of the boat Dracula is floating away in)

NC (vo): They spot Van Helsing, though, and also reveal they've captured the Frankenstein monster. They manage to rescue Anna, though, and escape into the water.

Van Helsing: (calling out to Frankenstein's monster) I'll find you! I'll get you back and set you free! I swear to God! (to Carl, after he says the people of Rome want the monster to be destroyed) Do they know him? Have they talked with him? Who are they to judge?!

NC: ...They shared a sentence. If that's what the director considers friendship, I wouldn't be that heartbroken.

Carl: Even if you somehow kill Dracula, Rome orders you to destroy Frankenstein as well.

NC: (confused) But...Frankenstein is dead- Ooohhh, you mean the monster!

NC (vo): Because this movie is so bad, it actually made the common mistake of calling the monster Frankenstein. That's actually kind of amazing for any Frankenstein movie to do. That's like, in Breath of the Wild, somebody calling Link Zelda. It's not just a mistake, it's an embarrassing mistake.

NC: I suddenly keep bringing up Zelda games, by the way. I guess I just feel a lot more for those pixels than...

(We briefly cut back to the fight scene with the Wolf Man)

NC (vo): ...these pixels. In fact, I'm still not entirely convinced these two (Van Helsing and Anna) aren't computer-generated.

(After they return to the Valerious' castle, Carl discovers an inscription on the map and creates a doorway to the castle)

NC (vo): So they find out the map Anna's father had in his castle was actually a gateway that leads to Dracula. I don't even care how that works.

(In the lands of Dracula, a snow is falling and the wind is blowing, but this doesn't affect Anna and Van Helsing)

NC (vo; as Anna): Funny how the snow goes sideways and yet our hair isn't moving at all. (Carl enters through the doorway with eyes closed. NC imitates C-3PO) Captain Solo, wait for me!

(Upon seeing three skeletons on a tree, Carl gets scared and runs back to the doorway, but as it's now closed, he bumps into a wall)

NC: (makes a forced laugh) That's Friar Carl! (This caption pops up below in a fancy font and with a "quack" sound effect) Christ, that still sounds stupi-

(In the castle, the three observe Frankenstein's monster, his body frozen in a big block of ice, minus the head, being lifted above)

NC (vo): They discover the monster...oh, my bad..."Frankenstein"...is sealed inside a zebra cake, which looks so ridiculous, even our heroes look like they don't know how to respond to it. (as Van Helsing) Must...not...laugh!

Frankenstein's Monster: He has a cure to remove the curse of the werewolf!

Van Helsing: (to Anna) Why does Dracula have a cure?

Anna: I don't care!

NC: Well, at least she's echoing the audience.

(The three find Igor next to the door and demand that he takes them to the cure. Igor shows them the hall with the syringe (really?!) under the glass)

NC (vo): They capture Igor, though, and Anna has him take her to where the cure is apparently hidden.

Anna: (doesn't let Igor move forward) I'll go first.

NC: ...Why doesn't she send Igor in to get it? Couldn't this obviously be a trap...?

(Igor presses the lever, closing the gate behind all four and trapping them. Cut to a famous clip from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi)

Admiral Ackbar (overdubbed by Doug): She's a dumbass!

(Aleera appears from above, hisses and fights Anna while Van Helsing goes to free Frankenstein's monster)

NC (vo): One of the wives drops in, and they have themselves a bat-fight, while the weenie sidekicks have their own little battle.

(Carl doesn't let Igor escape that easily and chases him, so Igor fights back with his electric staff. Carl just dodges it, leading Igor to the bridge in the process)

NC (vo): This is like watching a fight of (Pua and Heihei from Moana are shown) the pig and the chicken in Moana. This isn't especially interesting!

(Van Helsing gets to the top of the tower where the monster is strapped)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Van Helsing goes to free the monster.

Van Helsing: This is gonna hurt.

Frankenstein's Monster: I am accustomed to pain!

(Van Helsing unstraps the monster with such force, it makes some threads on his stomach break, and he screams)

NC (vo; as Frankenstein's monster): Oh, so that's pain! I totally wasn't accustomed to that! Pain sucks!

(The lightning strikes the monster, and he's thrown away. He grabs the wire and slides down, knocking Igor off the bridge)

NC (vo): He's flung off the table and grabs onto a wire, swinging across the castle, knocking out Igor.

(Igor falls to his demise. Cut to a clip from The Mummy (1999))

Richard O'Connell: Goodbye, Beni.

(Aleera in her vampire form outfights Anna, but before she could bite her in the neck, Frankenstein's monster appears, breaking the window and knocking her down. This allows Anna to finish the last bride of Dracula)

NC: (as Anna) I can handle myself, thank you!

(Van Helsing searches for Dracula below, and the latter appears in his CGI were-bat form)

NC (vo): But Dracula appears to Van Helsing, and...oh, booooo!

NC: I wouldn't enjoy his hammy acting! Now it's scene from...

NC (vo): ...Night on Dull Mountain!

(The clock starts striking twelve, which makes Van Helsing transform into the Wolf Man. He and Dracula fight in the air)

NC (vo): But Van Helsing turns into a werewolf, and what should be really cool is so ridiculously fake, you'd swear it's a Michael Bay reboot of Hotel Transylvania.

(Both continue to fight around the castle, throwing and crashing stuff)

NC: Oh, by the way...

(As Van Helsing and Dracula regain their human forms, the caption "7 Minutes Long" is shown to denote the length of the passed scene)

NC (vo): ...longest twelve strokes of midnight ever!

Dracula: It must be such a burden. To be the Left Hand of God.

NC (vo): Dracula reveals...get this...that Van Helsing was the angel Gabriel who originally killed him, and, apparently, God erased his memories.

NC: (is shown far from the camera, almost struck dumb from this) ...'Cause that's what God does now. I'm pretty sure it's in the Bible. Let's see. (takes out the Bible, and we're shown an edited page that has the only word "Sure") Yeah. Uh-huh. (closes the book) He has Men in Black powers now.

Dracula: I shall give you back your memory.

Van Helsing: Some things are better left forgotten.

NC: (as Van Helsing) I went this whole movie without having identity. Why start now?

(Van Helsing transforms back into the Wolf Man and bites Dracula. The latter dies, dissolving into a skeleton. Anna bursts in, causing her to be attacked and accidentally killed by Van Helsing, but not before she delivers the cure)

NC (vo): He bites Dracula, because...didn't you know that's the only thing that can kill him? Yeah, they sparkle, too...and Anna comes in to stab him with the cure, but the wolf side of him kills her.

(Van Helsing holds the dead Anna and howls to the sky. When he returns to normal, the howl becomes the cry of grief and sorrow)

NC: (as Van Helsing) NOOOOOO! I'm gonna miss so much about her, like...the fact that she had a brother... (Beat) ...that's all what she talked about. NOOOOOO!

(The next day, we're shown a meadow, shot in a pretty sloppy slow-mo)

NC (vo): Yeah. A 160 million dollar budget, and they couldn't even master shooting grass in slow-mo.

NC: (poker-faced) I don't know. (throws hands) I-I-I-I don't know.

(At Anna's funeral, Carl is shown reciting the Eternal Rest prayer in Latin)

NC: (as Carl) That's Latin for "She could handle herself". This...dead woman could handle herself.

(Frankenstein's monster rows away on a raft out to sea)

NC (vo): Wait, Frankie's monster got hosed on whatever deal they made?!

NC: (as Van Helsing) You know, Anna always wanted to see the sea... We never did anything with that, so you're gonna live in the sea now. (as Frankenstein's monster) I don't follow that- (as Van Helsing) Ship ahoy, Frankie. (imitates pushing him, and we hear a splash)

(After the funeral pyre, Van Helsing witnesses the spirits of Anna and her family ascending into the clouds)

NC (vo): So Anna's spirit, I guess, is united with her family. But it...looks so corny, I keep expecting to see (a clip of...) Elvis from the end of Hot Shots up there.

(Van Helsing gazes into the sky in silence)

NC: (as Van Helsing) So, um...final line? A-A-Am I actually so boring, you didn't even give me a final line? (Beat) Come on, guys, you must have given me a final line!

(Van Helsing and Carl ride off into the sunset)

NC (vo; as Van Helsing): Oh. Guess not. Good night, everybody I have no idea why I did any of this! Van Helsing!

(The movie ends)

NC: (sighs) I never thought I'd say this, but...bring back Brendan Fraser!

(The film's clips are shown once more as NC lists his final thoughts on it)

NC (vo): Okay, pros. The monsters are kind of fun. They overact and look fake, but their designs are cool and there's a lot of charm to them. The sets are cool. For all the CG in the movie, it is nice to see how much of these backgrounds were actually constructed. But the cons. The pacing is non-existent, the story is just an excuse for cartoon action sequences, and the main characters suck. There is no reason to like them, outside of "they do action stuff". They're given no personality, distract from the actual fun characters and focus more on what they're doing, as opposed to why they're doing it. Because of this, it's a super frustrating film, because I want to see a movie with all these monsters, I want to see them fight, I want to see them act off each other. But instead, we focus on these bores. Why couldn't this film be about Dracula getting all the monsters together and what that entails? So, yeah, the creatures were the coolest part of the movie. It's a shame the movie itself didn't pick up on it.

NC: So I'm sorry, all you monsters I brought together. I really thought I was giving the audience what they wanted.

(The villains are shown to be holding binders, writing something in them (save for Samara, who's typing on a phone) and listening attentively to the accountant)

Hannibal Lecter: Quiet, you rube.

Samara: Yeah, shut your mouth. We're learning a lot about taxes.

Accountant: There's a relatively simple way to determine the best choice for your situation.

NC: Well, I guess some people can find value in anything.

Hannibal Lecter: Especially when it comes to detectable.

Billy: This is extremely helpful.

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (gets up and leaves)

Samara: This is fascinating. I'm really gonna feel bad when we kill him.

Accountant: (stops reading) What?

Hannibal Lecter: Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.

(Cut to the credits. Halfway through, we're shown a snippet from the 2018 Nostalgia-Ween intro with the Angry Video Game Nerd being scared off his couch. Fade to James Rolfe's takes of the AVGN's scream in the Cinemassacre studio, with Doug controlling the recording)

James: Waaaah!

Doug: One more.

James: Waaaah!

Doug: Good, and also, could you do this scream? Waah, waaah!

James: Waah, waaah!

Doug: Good. A little louder.

James: Waah, waaah!

Doug: One more.

James: Waah, waaah!

Doug: Good. That should do it.

James: Okay.

(Both him and Doug laugh. The rest of the credits roll)

Channel Awesome tagline - Aleera: Do you like to FLY, Anna?!