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Unholy
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Date Aired
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October 20, 2022
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Running Time
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17:39
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Previous Review
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Website
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Todd plays "Unholy" on the piano.
SAM SMITH & KIM PETRAS - UNHOLY
A pop song review
Todd: You ever- You ever just get tired of tiptoeing around certain topics?
Clip of Sam Smith & Kim Petras - "Unholy"
Todd (VO): So, the big news this month in the pop world is "Unholy", a new song by Sam Smith and Kim Petras. [clip of TikTok with both Sam and Kim miming to the song] The teaser for it was already blowing up on TikTok for like, a month, [back to "Unholy"] and upon its official launch, [shot of Unholy at #2 on Billboard hot 100] it promptly vaulted all the way to the top, almost.
Sam Smith: A lucky, lucky girl
Todd (VO): Now, you don't have to know anything about this song to know that this is a big deal.
Todd: And it's a bit of a minefield to talk about.
Clip of Sam Smith - "Lay Me Down"
Todd (VO): Sam Smith was already known to be gay, [Shot of article of Smith coming out as Non-Binary] but also came out as non-binary a few years ago, [clip of Kim Petras interview with ABC] and Kim Petras is trans. [clip of "Unholy"] To the best of my knowledge, it is the biggest hit an out trans person has ever had. So, all of that... makes for a bit of a tricky conversation, you know...
Todd: ...I don't want to offend anybody or anything. But... y-y-you know what? Fuck it.
Todd (VO): I'm so tired of watering down my opinions, you know, "gotta take into account the life experiences of other people," I'm tired of it, alright? So I'm just gonna say it.
Todd: I'm just gonna say it! Alright? Here we go. [exhales] I. Hate. TikTok.
Montage of TikToks set to the "Oh No" song
Todd (VO): God, that feels good to say. I hate it, I hate it, I fucking hate it. I hate the platform, I hate the content, I hate the style, I hate the culture, I hate it. Every time I try to use the site, I find nothing but garbage, every TikTok meme I've ever had to look up was pointless. Yes, I've seen plenty of entertaining TikToks [screenshot of r/TikTokCringe homepage] when the get reposted somewhere else. Yeah that's great, a site you have to use other sites to use.
Todd: Yeah yeah, you have to train the algorithm, I've heard that before. But even when a TikTok is good, it's not good, you know.
Montage of more TikToks
Todd (VO): I'm already addicted to too much social media already, I don't need another one that's the equivalent of watching Family Guy cutaway gags for hours. [clip of TikTok's "You Have To See It" video about Khaby Lame] I mean, look at this guy, he makes a face. Don't you wanna see him make the face? Is looking at this shit for hours a day really gonna enhance my life?
Todd: Yeah yeah, you didn't sign up to hear [image of "Old Man Yells at Cloud" meme] cranky millennial Todd complaining about the [screenshots of Facebook and YouTube with their Reels and Stories pages] website that's ruining all the other websites and steeling all his views. Ugh. Well, now that I've got that out of my system.
Clip of "Unholy"
Todd (VO): Let's talk about yet another new song it's dumped in our laps. Which is, you know, the hot, scandalous sex jam.
Todd: Yes, from Sam Smith.
Todd (VO): Like, you may not know Kim Petras, who is making her debut on the charts after years of bubbling under. [clip of Kim Petras - "Future Starts Now"] She's been the great trans hope of pop for a bit now, and a lot of people have been rooting for her. But her biggest commercial selling point is also her biggest drawback. [screenshot of article "The Dirtiest Thing About Kim Petras' 'Slut Pop'? It's Produced By Dr. Luke"] Which is that most of her work is with super-producer and accused rapist Dr. Luke.
Clip of ET story about Kesha's allegations against Dr. Luke
A situation that is still nowhere near reaching a satisfying conclusion. [clip of "Unholy"] Dr. Luke is not on this song, thankfully.
Todd: So that's a topic we can avoid.
Clip of Sam Smith - "Stay With Me"
Sam: Guess it's true
I'm not good at a one-night stand
Todd (VO): The other artist, Sam Smith, you probably already do know. That's singer who does the, uh...
Todd: Well...
Clip of "Unholy"
Todd (VO): Not this. Which is, uh...
Todd: Yeah, ok, this song "Unholy" is about having an affair with a married man.
Sam: Dirty, dirty boy
Todd (VO): And how very naughty and dirty and wrong it is.
Sam: You don't know how to keep your business clean
Yeah, I'm a little bit stunned by this, honestly. Like as you can see, we are very far from the type of songs they usually do. So my first question is why exactly has Sam decided [credits roll on the video] that this is the direction that- and the song's already over.
Todd: Of course it is, fucking TikTok!
Clip of Sam and Kim performing "Unholy" at the iHeartRadio Music festival
Todd (VO): Ok, well first off, let's address the elephant in the room. Which is that this is by two trans/non-binary/genderqueer artists. And since I'm not any of those things, my first instinct was not to say anything about this without two years of focus group testing. Cause...
Todd: Uh, yeah, on this point, I am still scared of putting my foot in my mouth.
Clip of "Unholy"
Todd (VO): Like, I don't want to accidentally insult anybody. I worry if I say something like seeing posh, theater kid Sam Smith dressed as an auto mechanic is objectively funny.
Beginning of "Unholy" video plays as Todd laughs at Sam dressed as a mechaninc
[singing] You need new brake pads.
Todd: I worry if I were to say something like that, I'll get cancelled...
Todd (VO): ...for suggesting that non-binaries are bad at auto repair or some other harmful stereotype. So...
Todd: I wasn't gonna review this. But then I remembered: Hey, I'm a straight white man. (As far as YOU know) No one's gonna give me shit for anything as long as it looks like I'm halfway trying. Your lower standards are noted.
Clip of news story about a trans march
Todd (VO): And I'm actually not a complete moron, I do know some stuff. I have a bizarrely large number of friends, acquaintances, and viewers who are trans. And from what they tell me, the trans situation in 2022 is not fantastic. [clip of "Unholy" iHeartRadio performance] With all that is happening in the outside world, yes, I do get that this song's success is a very good thing. It's good for trans people everywhere, and it's good for pop music. Which is [clip of Taylor Swift - "You Need to Calm Down"] supposedly this big gay-friendly, queer-friendly sphere of the world. But up 'til now, had had no trans stars.
Todd: That seemed like a pretty big hole to me. Especially right now, when it seems like trans issues are all people can talk about.
Clip of "Unholy" iHeartRadio performance
Todd (VO): And even beyond just political correctness, it's good on an artistic level. Just, for reasons...
Todd: ...of novelty, if nothing else.
Todd (VO): Like, this is the first song on the radio I'm hearing like this from artists like this.
Todd: Which is great, cause this year's been otherwise kinda boring.
Clip of DJ Khaled ft. Drake and Lil Baby - "Staying Alive"
Todd (VO): Like, ooh, what you got for me, 2022? A moody Drake song with DJ Khaled shouting over it? [clip of David Guetta and Bebe Rexha - "I'm Good (Blue)"] Or a white girl singing a dance song with a...
Todd: ...really obvious sample?
Bebe Rhexa: I'm good, yeah I'm feeling alright
Baby, I'mma have the best fuckin' night
Todd (VO): Fantastic, more slop, please. I love it.
Todd: So yes, representation does matter, I absolutely agree with that. But it's not the only thing that matters.
Clip of "Unholy"
Todd (VO): So, you know, I gotta tell it like it is. You know, that's what I get paid to do. So, do I actually like listening to this song?
Todd: Well, it's good for trans visibility, but... As a song unfortunately, I gotta say, this song is a giant steaming pile of- Actually, it's kinda growing on me.
Todd (VO): Like, I did think this was a complete and total disaster the first time I heard it. But actually, you know, I listened to it some more and there are parts I like. I think the bass line especially is pretty cool.
Clip of "Unholy" intro bass line
Sam: He lucky, lucky, yeah
Todd: Pretty sure that's the riff from "Sober" by Tool.
Brief clip of Tool - "Sober" with a similar guitar riff
Clip of "Unholy"
Todd (VO): I do think it's cool that we finally have a trans pop hit and it's as provocatively sexual as this. You know, freak out some normies.
Todd: I do have, uh, some concerns though. The first being that it's, like, 40 seconds long.
Clip of TikTok with both Sam and Kim miming to the song
Todd (VO): You can thank TikTok for that one. Yeah, I'm more neutral on TikTok as it pertains to its effects on popular music. It's had its good parts, it's had its bad.
Todd: But God, I miss when songs would have... parts. [image showing Basics of Song Structure] Like, multiple parts. An intro, an outro, a bridge, a solo, a drop even.
Clip of "Unholy"
Todd (VO): Something other than what this song has, which is just verse, chorus, verse, chorus, over. [clip of TikTok with both Sam and Kim dancing to the song] I mean, that's how you listen to music on TikTok, it's literally background music. You don't need more than two ideas. If you had a third idea, you'd just turn it into another song.
Todd: Like yeah, not every song needs to be a five-suite symphony or anything.
Clip of "Unholy" iHeartRadio performance
Todd (VO): But this one feels like it should. You know, with the big sweeping catholic choir, it's trying to sound so big. And yet it feels like it's missing 60% of the song.
Video for "Unholy" ends
Is that it?
Todd: Where's the rest of it!?
Clip of "Unholy" iHeartRadio performance
Todd (VO): And as far as that, like, "big" sound though, like... [sighs] I don't know about this whole dark cabaret style that people do. Like... a lot of people seem to think it's a lot sexier than I do. [clip of The Weeknd - "Earned It"] Like, I don't really like it when The Weeknd does it, and I don't like [clip of Dove Cameron's...] that "Boyfriend" song that Dove Cameron has. [clip of "Unholy"] And here with the choir and the Eyes Wide Shut, Moulin Rouge secret sex dungeon thing. Like "Ooh, it's sexy, it's scary sexy. You're scared of how hot it makes you".
Todd: I think it's trying too hard, that's just my take.
Clip of "Unholy" iHeartRadio performance
Sam: Mommy don't know daddy's getting hot
Todd (VO): And what about the artists themselves, does this team-up really work? Sam Smith and Kim Petras.
Todd: Well, I mean, you can see the connection, right?
Todd (VO): The most famous non-binary pop star and the most famous trans pop star. Solidarity, right? Sure, that makes sense.
Todd: If you literally know nothing else about them.
Clip of Kim Petras - "I Don't Want It At All"
Todd (VO): Which again, you might not, since this is Kim's first crossover hit. But if you don't know her, what she tends to make is extremely upbeat electropop where she's basically a living Barbie doll.
Kim: I want all my clothes designer
You might enjoy her last project, which was [cover for...] literally called [zooms in on title] "Slut Pop". [clip of Kim Petras - "Your Wish Is My Command" audio] And featured songs like "Treat Me Like a Slut" and "Throat Goat".
Clip of Kim Petras - "Slut Pop" audio
Kim: This is slut pop
Whip your dick out, turn your bitch out
Todd: And this is Sam Smith:
Clip of Sam Smith - "Leave Your Lover"
Sam: Pack up and leave everything
Don't you see what I can bring?
Todd: This is Kim Petras:
Clip of Kim Petras - "Coconuts"
Kim: My coconuts
You can put 'em in your mouth
Todd: This is Sam Smith:
Clip of Sam Smith performing at Can't Cancel Pride 2022
Sam: So I tried every night
To sit with sorrow
Todd (VO): Yeah, it does strike me as extremely weird to pair up pop's most [clip of "Your Wish Is My Command" audio] flamboyantly sexual artist [clip of Sam Smith - "Too Good at Goodbyes"] with its least. Sam Smith's music is...
Todd: I guess not "sexless" exactly, but... lustless.
Todd (VO): They come from the grand tradition of tasteful, urbane British soul singers. Where you put on your classy evening-wear and wail your pain away, and then have a nice [image of a man in a suit holding a teacup] spot of tea.
Todd: Whenever sex happens in Sam's music specifically, it's very needy and sad, and not hot.
Clip of "Stay With Me"
Sam: But I still need love
Cause I'm just a man
Todd (VO): I'm kinda sick of that.
Todd: And I guess Sam is too, since...
Clip of Sam Smith and Normani - "Dancing With a Stranger"
Todd (VO): ...their music has gotten a whole lot more poppy and danceable. Which, I get.
Todd: It's gotta get old being the...
Clip of Sam's Can't Cancel Pride performance
Todd (VO): ...acceptable, grandma-friendly face of gayness. The only person wearing muted colors at the Pride Parade.
Clip of Sam Smith - "Diamonds"
Sam: My diamonds live with you
And I support this move, for the record. It's produced better music and it's produced much more interesting music.
Todd: But, there's releasing a couple dance singles, and then there's this:
Clip of "Unholy"
Sam: Mommy don't know daddy's getting hot
At the body shop, doing something unholy
Todd (VO): Can they pull this off? I think Sam's just not very good at this whole sex deity thing.
Todd: Their voice is soulful, but not exactly, like, cheeky or naughty, and...
Todd (VO): [sighs] I don't know, they probably should not be singing about twerking.
Sam: She put it down slowly
When they have to dial it back, it kinda works. But then the chorus comes, and they just start bellowing to the rafters.
Sam: Mommy don't know daddy's getting hot
At the body shop
Todd (VO): The song's supposed to be fun, right? You know, "Dirty, dirty boy". Yeah, you don't sound like you're having fun. You sound like you're in agony.
Todd: Yeah, sorry Sam, it just doesn't work.
Todd (VO): I don't think you should be singing about all the blasphemously hot sex you're having.
Sam: She'd kick you out if she ever, ever knew
'Bout all the **** you tell me that you do
Todd: Wai-wai-wait, wait a second.
Sam: I hear them whispering
'Bout the places that you've been
Todd (VO): Oh, I see. Sam's not the one actually banging this guy. Sam's just the narrator, the Ziggler in the Moulin Rouge. And Kim Petras is the actual sidepiece here.
Kim: Mmm, daddy, daddy
If you want it, drop the addy, give me love
Yeah, I-I guess that makes more sense. That's a better use of your Sam Smith. Yeah.
Todd: [beat] Is it weird that I'm disappointed?
Clip of "Unholy" iHeartRadio performance
Todd (VO): If you're gonna do your big X-rated pop makeover, don't cop out like this. If you wanna go there, go there. Why doesn't Sam Smith get to have any hot sex?
Todd: [claps on each word] Let. Sam. Smith. Fuck!
Clip of "Unholy"
Sam: Dirty, dirty boy
Todd (VO): I don't know, I'd rather see Sam Smith fail at having a torrid affair than succeed at narrating someone else's.
Todd: Cause now it's just a story about a guy having sex with Kim Petras, which... what else is new?
Kim: You can watch me back it up
I'll be gone in the AM
Todd (VO): See, now this is just a story about a married guy with a secret girlfriend. And, you know, a guy with a gumar, that's-that's actually not that shocking to me. Like, here's my version of the song where I'm in Sam Smith's place. Listening to this man tell me his dirty, sexy secrets.
Todd: [beginning of "Unholy" plays as Todd breathes heavily, then abruptly stops] Bro, come on.
Todd (VO): You're cheating on your wife with a stripper? What, are you gonna get a sports car and ponytail too?
Todd: This sucks. This sucks of you, it's fucking lame.
Todd (VO): Yeah yeah, I know it's not your standard mid-life crisis, because in this case, the girlfriend is trans. Yeah, that will probably shock and horrify and scandalize your uptight Karen of a wife. If it was just some average non-trans side chick... I mean, I think your wife would probably be ok with that. She probably already assumed you had one of those anyway.
Todd: But here's the thing about the trans stuff: It's all subtext.
Clip of "Unholy" iHeartRadio performance
Todd (VO): Like, you could listen to this song and very easily not pick up on any of it. Which is a weird thing to leave unspoken considering how over-the-top this song is otherwise. He buys her nice things, she gives him sex. She doesn't even cause problems.
Clip of "Unholy"
Kim: He always call me
Cause I never cause no drama
Back to "Unholy" iHeartRadio performance
This all seems pretty standard if anything. It actually feels like they're trying to make the scenario more mundane.
Todd: I guess that's one way of normalizing trans lives, but I don't think that's what they were going for.
Todd (VO): It feels like they deliberately didn't go a lot of places they could have so as not to alienate too many people, you know.
Todd: How do I feel about that?
Clip of SNL Weekend Update skit with Roger Ebert and Norm MacDonald
Norm MacDonald: Here's my review, um... Not gay enough.
Todd: And can I ask, who is Sam supposed to be in this scenario?
Clip of "Unholy"
Sam: 'Bout all the **** you tell me that you do
Todd (VO): Kim Petras' pimp? A stranger at the bar? A non-binary bro this guy does his locker room talk with?
Todd: Well, here's my idea who they should've been.
Todd (VO): Not a cabaret MC.
Todd: A priest!
Todd (VO): Cheats-on-his-wife douchebro here is in the confessional, [image of a priest in a confession booth] confessing to Father Sam, [back to "Unholy"] and Sam's getting off on it. That would be much dirtier and much funnier.
Todd: And would actually fit the "Unholy" motif, which they do shockingly little with.
Clip of "Unholy" iHeartRadio performance
Sam: Daddy's getting hot at the body shop
Todd (VO): I mean, they got the big catholic choir, [clip of a large choir performance] they make the song sound like "O Fortuna".
Todd: But it all still sounds weirdly un-sacrilegious.
Clip of Sam Smith ft. Logic "Pray"
Todd (VO): Like, Sam Smith is catholic. Went to catholic school, has made a few songs about growing up gay in the church.
Todd: And yet "Unholy" doesn't seem like much of an affront to God.
Clip of "Unholy"
Sam: She'd kick you out if she ever, ever knew
Todd (VO): It's only scandalous because, you know, what if your wife finds out? Which... who cares?
Sam: I hear them whispering
'Bout the places that you've been
And how you don't know
How to keep your business clean
Ooh, you can't keep your business clean.
Todd: Is he unholy cause he's a moron?
Todd (VO): Like, condemned to hell for being blasphemously stupid? Shut your mouth, idiot!
Todd: Even the girl doesn't seem all that sinful.
Kim: Give me love, give me Fendi
My Balenciaga daddy
Todd (VO): She's kinda too shallow to be sinful, which might be a problem with Kim Petras in general. Definitely is on this song. She just wants to trade sex for fancy purses, I don't think God much enters into it. I don't think anyone really cares what the Lord might think.
Todd: It feels like this song should have more edge than it does.
Todd (VO): It's so weird that neither Sam nor Kim have any feeling of unholiness. Sam's just an observer and Kim doesn't care. Why is this about some random third person? Like, maybe Sam's supposed to be, like, the Devil on this guy's shoulder, but I don't really think so. This guy doesn't seem like some morally conflicted sinner led onto the path of temptation, he just seems like a fucking numbnuts! Even Sam just sounds like they're mostly pointing and laughing. Even the guy playing him in the video looks like [clip of...] Ellis from Die Hard.
Ellis (Hart Bochner): Hans! Bubby!
Clip of "Unholy"
You know, not morally upstanding man being lowered into depravity, just [clip from Die Hard] an annoying comic relief character you can't wait for Hans Gruber to shoot. [clip of "Unholy"] Like, where's the moral transgression in this?
Todd: I don't know, I think I've talked myself back out of liking this song.
Sam: Mommy don't know
Todd (VO): There are parts I like, I just wish there were more parts. I like the instrumentation, you can see that the pieces are there for something really dark and nasty.
Todd: And it's nice that Kim Petras has a hit because I do like her voice.
Todd (VO): But I don't know, it just feels like it's had the legs cut out of it by Sam's eternally un-erotic voice. By their fear of alienating Sam's audience of 40-year-old moms. And of course...
Todd: By the constraints of [image of TikTok music logo] TikTok pop. I did say that this song was a hit on TikTok for a full month before it was even released, right? [throws hands up] How? How does that even work? [gets up and leaves]
Video for "Unholy" ends
Closing tag song: Kiss - "Unholy"
THE END
"Unholy" is owned by Capitol Records
This video is owned by me
THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS