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Unfriended
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Released
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December 20, 2015
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Running time
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26:45
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Link
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Video
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Admin's note: This transcript is incomplete.
Phelous: All right. Break out your red tape. It's time to jump back into the world of internet ghosts – Skype edition.
(The episode's title card comes up.)
Phelous: Unfriended is yet another attempt at an internet-based horror but they did at least try to tackle it with a different style. I did not care at all for that style, but it was...something.
Phelous (vo): Unfriended is all from the perspective of the main character Blaire's desktop. You are glued to her screen for the entire run time. So, one of the things you're used to in a movie – like a scene change – is not present here, making the whole thing feel extremely monotonous.
Phelous: But the presentation seems to be the main thing that have taken some people in with this movie. However, that's all it really is – a style. The actual content of Unfriended is overdone trash.
Phelous (vo): If you actually took this stupid movie and flipped it over to a regular movie format, all you're looking at is the same story that's been told by generic horror movies over and over again. A group of friends did something bad in the past, and a killer comes after them because of it.
(The movie's title is shown.)
Phelous (vo): We really could have just as easily called this thing..."I Know Who YouTube'd Last Summer"!
(The Universal logo is shown, with glitch effects added.)
Phelous (vo): There's a positive for the movie, though – the Universal logo! Why? Because look at that! It took them like 10 years, but they finally know what digital video glitching looks like, and that's not TV static!
Phelous: And that right there was the most enjoyable part of this movie for me! (laughs, sighs)
(The film opens with the computer open to LiveLeak, a website containing viral videos.)
Phelous (vo): We immediately start this thrill ride up with Blaire's apparent daily routine of looking at her dead friend Laura Barns’ suicide video and the video that caused her to do it.
Phelous: (unenthusiastically) Guess who the killer's going to turn out to be.
Phelous (vo): Also, Blaire isn't innocent in these events happening – shockity shock – so you'd think her looking this stuff up would kind of put her in a solemn mood. I mean, even if she was innocent, she just watched a video of someone that used to be her friend kill herself! Kind of a big deal! But who cares? She's fine in two seconds and it's just flirty-flirt time with her boyfriend!
Phelous: This is another common problem I found with Unfriended – a lot of the browsing the internet scenes seem a little too disconnected from the actual Skype call.
Phelous (vo): There will be many times Blaire will private message her boyfriend Mitch, but they will never give any sign that they've said any of this to each other in the Skype call. These people have simultaneously one of the best and worst Skype calls I've ever seen. Everyone's video glitches out to ridiculous levels with constant image bleeding, but no one actually ever drops from the call until the ghost does it, pretty much destroying any realism this thing had. Anywho, just as Mitch is about to get ready to repeatedly press the insert key, their group of friends all join the call.
---
Phelous (vo): Laura then shares the rest of her drunk video – which she'd been uploading this entire movie. But she's stuck on ghost dial up so she had to buy a little time. And this reveals Blaire did it! Not really a shock, as she's the only one left. But this leads to everyone rightfully being disgusted and wanting nothing to do with her anymore...
Phelous: ...leaving her unfriended! Ah! Poetic justice!
(Blaire has signed off of Skype, overcome with guilt and fear. Suddenly, Blaire's bedroom door creaks open. Laura's ghost closes the laptop and then attacks Blaire. The film ends.)
Phelous: And then, of course, they ruined it for another jump scare!
Phelous (vo): It hardly would've fixed the movie or anything, but they had a decent ending set up here with Blaire losing all of her friends because of what she did. But then – STUPID GHOST JUMP SCARE! YAY!!! WAY TO GO, BLUMHOUSE!
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(We then cut to Phelous on Skype, conversing with Obscurus Lupa, ChaosD1, and SadPanda.)
Phelous: Like it wasn't already with the one movie, right? (realizes) Oh, shit. I'm on Skype. I hope I'm not recording this for some reason.
ChaosD1 (Jon Burkhardt): It'd also be a real shame if you found this footage and included it as a shitty sketch at the end of your Unfriended review.
SadPanda (Julien Diaz): Shut up, gene. As this is definitely not being recorded, let's talk about what horrible people we are.
Obscurus Lupa (Allison Pregler): Hey, Jon. Remember that time you got a horrible virus that bricked your computer and you had to get a new one?
ChaosD1: (laughs) Aw, man, you really got me with that one!
SadPanda: Phelan, remember that time you got arrested for suspicion or illegal arm smuggling?
Phelous: Julien, they did a full anal cavity search on me! (wheezing laugh) Oh, you!
ChaosD1: Y'all remember that time when someone stabbed you in the alley outside of Magfest?
SadPanda: Jon, what the hell? We almost bled out to death!
Lupa: Jon is, like, the new prank master.
Phelous: Oh, yeah. You remember that video that made on WOW that I hated and he got a bunch of comments that said he should kill himself on it? (wheezing laugh) Oh, yeah.
SadPanda: Oh, yeah. I do the same thing to you every time you make a video with Lupa in it.
Lupa: I say you should die whenever you make anything, Julien!
(Suddenly, another chat window pops up. The window has the name Laura Barns underneath. Ominous music plays.)
Phelous: OH, NO! A GHOST JUST JOINED THE CALL! BE LOUD AND INCOHERENT!!!
(Everyone acts loud and incoherent.)
SadPanda: Um... What do we do now?
(The camera goes to a close-up of Phelous’ video. When we zoom out, the chat window that popped up is gone. Phelous decides to end the call on Skype. The credits start rolling.)