Underworld

Underworld
Released	August 21, 2019
Running Time	26:42
Previous Review	The Jetsons Meet the Flintstones
Next Review	Mulan II
Link	http://channelawesome.com/underworld-nostalgia-critic/

(The Channel Awesome logo and show opening play. Fade to NC sitting in a darkened room surrounded by other people wearing flamboyant attire)

NC: (looking toward camera) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Every once in a while, you gotta get a little fashionable. And in fashion, there's no name bigger than Senda Mode!

(Senda Mode (played by Tamara, wearing the same attire as Edna Mode from The Incredibles, comes on a white stage as everybody applauds)

Audience member 1 (Malcolm): Oh, wowser!

Senda: Yes, yes. Thank you, dahlings, yes.

NC: Senda's been planning a nostalgic callback to movie fashion at the turn of the century. So I figured there's no better place to have that fashion show than at the studio of The Nostalgia Critic.

Senda: Yes, yes. My first design: the Keanu "Matrix" Reeves.

(Neo from The Matrix, played by Walter, comes on a runway and makes several poses)

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(Everybody applauds as Neo imitates himself in bullet time)

Audience member 1 (Malcolm): Bravo!

Audience member 2 (Rob): Bravissimo.

Senda: Next, the Wesley "Blade" Snipes.

(Blade (Malcolm) comes on a runway and swishes his sword)

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(The audience applauds)

Audience member 2: I'm in love.

Senda: Next, the Bruce "Sin City" Willis.

(John Hartigan from Sin City, played by Doug, appears gloomily in black-and-white colors)

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(Another applause follows, though NC becomes slightly confused)

Audience member 3 (Walter): Oooh!

Audience member 2: Enchante.

Senda: Next is the Nicolas "Face/Off" Cage.

(Nicolas Cage instantly appears on a runway and does a pelvic thrust (though, really, it's Jim wearing a Cage cardboard mask))

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(Yet another applause, with NC looking even more confused)

Audience member 2: Merciful.

Audience member 4 (Tamara): Outstanding.

Senda: Next, the "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" Invisible Man.

(NC smiles, crossing his arms. The apparent Invisible Man appears, when in reality, it's just a trenchcoat hung from above on a small string)

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(NC is not applauding with everyone else)

Audience member 1: Ooooh!

Audience member 2: Gracias!

Senda: Yes, yes. Thank you, dahlings, yes.

NC: (to the camera) Yeah, I guess a lot of action stars in the late 90s and early 2000s had a thing for long black coats.

(The posters and shots from all the movies that Senda mentioned are shown)

NC (vo): On the one hand, it kinda makes sense, as they look very cool. They're cinematically pleasing, wave beautifully in the wind, and they immediately give the impression of that dark loner who does things differently...except when everyone else does it.

(As NC says this, the posters of Shoot 'Em Up, Tombstone, Sin City and The Punisher (2004) are shown quickly, followed by the mentioned Invisible Man and Dr. Sivana from Shazam!)

NC (vo): Yeah, now this has become a major cliche, but it is a cool cliche, still making appearances here and there.

NC: But one of the last films you could argue just barely got away with it is...

Senda: And, finally, Kate "Underworld" Beckinsale.

(Selene from Underworld, played by Tamara, comes on a runway, wielding two guns)

Senda: Notice the shoes...and the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(The audience applauds more enthusiastically than before)

Audience member 2: Chicly! Chicly!

Audience member 4: Yes! Yes!

NC: You clicked on the video. You know which one it is.

Audience member 1: (applauding passionately) Oh...

(The title for Underworld is shown, followed by clips)

NC (vo): Released in 2003, this was one of the few comic book movies that was not based on a comic book. Surprisingly, there's not as many of these as you would think, (The posters for Darkman (1990), The Toxic Avenger and The Incredibles appear) and this, by far, would confuse the most people into thinking it was. Everything from the look, the story, the lines; it all suggests it came from a graphic novel. But, nope. This was an original idea, directed by Len Wiseman and developed by Danny McBride and Kevin Grevioux, who also appeared in the movie. While not a critical favorite, audiences found themselves growing an attachment to both this film and its sequels, even spawning, not surprisingly, its own comic series written by Grevioux. But over 15 years later, does this film stand out more than just another long black coat movie?

NC: Well, there's only one way to find out.

Senda: Do you mind?! We're trying to conduct a fashion show here!

NC: (looks around) Oh. Sorry, it's a kind of bad habit I have. I'll be quiet.

Senda: Are you sure?

NC: (smiling) Mm-hmm.

Senda: All right. (prepares to announce another model) Next, we have...

NC: (instantly turns to the camera) So let's take a look at Underworld! (And he's booed by the audience, being forced to leave the room) Yeah, I'm going, I'm going! Yeah, right now!

Audience member 2: Street rat!

Audience member 3: Normie!

Audience member 2: There goes the neighborhood.

(The movie starts with Selene, played by Beckinsale, looking over the town from the tower window while it rains)

NC (vo): So how long till we get our "angsty protagonist looming over the city" shot--? Well, you know what the people want. Make room for (shots of...) Daredevil, Batman, Spider-Man...

(As pictures of Green Arrow, Superman, Joker, Spawn and one screenshot from Sin City appear all at one, the "And the rest!" bit of the theme song of Gilligan's Island plays out)

Selene: (narrating) The war had all but ground to a halt in the blink of an eye.

NC (vo): So I hope you like homework, because this movie leaves more info in its opening minutes than SAT study guides.

Selene: (narrating, in various scenes) Lucian, the most feared and ruthless leader, had finally been killed. / The lycan horde scattered to the wind in a single... / ...proved unwilling to follow Lucian to the grave. / Nearly six centuries had passed since that night.

(All of Selene's lines turn into an incoherent cacophony. NC, now in his usual spot, is reading a CliffsNotes "Underworld" guide)

NC: Okay, here's the main setup.

NC (vo): There's a war between vampires and werewolves, or Lycans, and the vampires mostly wiped them out. However, they're shocked to find there's still quite a few left, more than they thought.

NC: Oh, and Lenny dies! ... I think that page was meant for something else.

(The people of the town are shown walking around with umbrellas)

NC (vo; as a weatherman on TV): Today's forecast is like yesterday's forecast: blue. A whole shit ton of blue.

(Selene follows two lycans going into the subway station and notices Michael Corvin for a moment)

NC: Okay, so something you'll notice very quickly is, even though this movie has a lot of cliches, there are the really good cliches.

(Selene gives a nod to a fellow vampire)

NC (vo): Like, I could watch a whole movie of people just starring at each other before shit goes down.

(NC gives a nod to Tamara in the room who nods back. Then NC gives a nod to Malcolm who nods back at him. And finally NC gives a nod to R2-D2 who replies by making a sound effect)

NC: See, there's just something cool about it!

(The Lycans and the vampires began to shoot at each other with guns while some people, including Michael, takes cover)

NC (vo): A fight breaks out, as a vampire named Selene, played by Kate Beckinsale, hunts down some lycans in a subway station.

(Selene joins the fight as well, weiling two guns in slow-motion)

NC (vo; as a vampire): Hey, come on. We're Matrix-ing down here!

(Selene and the Lycan try to kill each other, but miss their targets)

NC (vo): How come movies about amazing hunters always have them missing more things than they hit?

(We see a counter for both Things Hit and Things Missed. The "Things Missed" counter is 655. The "Things Hit" counter is 001: a woman has been hit during the shoot-out. The passengers in the train continue to hide)

NC (vo): But, to quote Blazing Saddles, "You shoot him, that only makes him mad."

(The black lycan, Raze (Kevin Grevioux) begins shifting into his lycan form)

NC: (scoffs) This is no time to reenact (poster of...) Sorry to Bother You! (Beat) Yet, for the people that haven't seen it, good luck figuring that out.

(Raze kills off some vampires in the dark)

NC (vo): Lycan takes out the vampires, though, so only Selene is left.

(Selene approaches carefully the area until she hides from an incoming subway train)

NC: (speaking over the train noise) Yeah, those loud subway trains do sneak up on ya!

(Selene throws four shurikens on a lycan, and two Lycans return to their human forms in their hideout)

NC (vo): She pumpkin-bombs the last Lycan standing, as the survivors make it back to their leader Lucian, played by Michael "Ahahahaha" Sheen. (A photo of Michael Sheen as Aro in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 is seen next to Lucian) Sadly, he's actually trying in this movie, so we don't get anything that goofy. (2 lycans are seeing fighting for a short moment.) But seeing how this is a vampire flick, I'm curious to see his new take on Frost/Nixon. (A poster of Frost/Nixon is seen with Frost from Blade taking the place of David Frost)

Lucian: Pierce! Taylor! Put some clothes on, will you?

NC: (as Lucian) There's only so much the widescreen boss can't cover.

(A green arrow is pointing at Pierce's lower body. Selene returns to the vampire HQ and comes across a party of vampires)

NC (vo): Selene returns home at Vampire Toad Hall and she reports that the Lycans are still around.

(A vampire named Kahn examines the ammunition)

Selene: (sighs) Ultraviolet ammunition.

Kahn: Daylight, harnessed as a weapon.

Kraven: We've hunted them to the brink of extinction.

Selene: They opened fire on us in full view of the public.

NC: So, here's the thing about this movie. It does have a lot of things we've seen before and it is pretty standard, as these films go, but...there is a strange kind of investment.

(Scenes of Selene and Kahn talking and Kraven descending to the party of vampires are shown)

NC (vo): I'm not sure if it's the writing, the acting, the style or maybe all three, but, despite nothing really being that new, I do find myself really listening to what they're saying.

Selene: But I'd rather you prove me wrong by checking it out.

Kraven: Soren will handle it.

Selene: Viktor would believe me. (Kraven looks at Selene leaving)

Erika: I'd never dream of treating you like that.

Kraven: Of course you would.

NC: (as Kraven) That's why you earned your name, Lady Brownnose.

(Scene of Selene walking towards the crypt of the ancient vampire lords is shown)

NC (vo): It looks like a big event is planned called the Awakening...I know, I'm shocked people who look like this came up with that pretentious name, too...where one of the ancient vampire lords is to be resurrected back to life. But Selene can't help but fell uneasy. And I'd listen to her; she's been weirdly typecast. (A photo of Kate Beckinsale as Anna Valerious from Van Helsing is shown next to Selene)

Erika: (to Selene) It's a waste of time, you know. Come on, we need to get you ready.

Selene: For what?

Erika: The party.

NC: (as Selene, speaking with a British accent) Party? I've been toilet trained since last week. Thank you very much.

(Scene of Erika going to Selene's room is shown)

NC (vo): Selene's friend, Erika, or (imitates a cat) RAWRR, as she's often referred to, tries to get her ready for the big party.

Erika: (observes a dress in the mirror) You should definitely wear this one. It's perfect.

NC (vo; as Erika): As you can see in this mirror we're not supposed to see ourselves in...hey.

Kraven: You know that I was planning to have you at my side this evening.

Selene: Take Erika. She's dying to be at your side.

NC: (as Kraven) We will have our obligatory pretty dress scene. You've done this before. You know the drill! (A photo of Anna from Van Helsing in a red dress appears)

(Selene joins at Michael in a computer and an underground laboratory)

NC (vo): As she tries to look closer at the two Lycans she fought, they also try to regroup at their headquarters.

(A scientist named Singe, played by Erwin Leder, approaches the Lycan who is chained by his arms and legs)

NC (vo; as Singe): You will tell me the secret of the everlasting Gobstopper.

(Raze carries a body in a dark alleyway)

NC: (crossing fingers) Oh, I do hope we cut to another blue room...

(Quick cut to Singe and Raze examining the body in the observatory)

NC: YES! More films need to look like...

(A photo of Kodi Smit-McPhee as Nightcrawler is seen)

NC (vo): ...Nightcrawler's dick was smeared all over it! By the way, comment if I'm not the only one who fought he had four arms for a second. (A green arrow points at the arm of the body Raze was carrying)

Lucian: If vampires didn't realize you were following a human...

Raze: I don't think so.

Lucian: You don't think, or you don't know?

NC: (frowns) I think that's the same thing in this case.

(Erika speaks to Kraven during the vampire party)

NC (vo): As the vampires prepare for their (speaks this word in a sophisticated manner) party, Selene leaves to go search for those Lycans.

(Kraven watches Selene leaving the vampire HQ)

NC (vo; as Kraven): What about our obligatory dress scene? OBLIGATORY PRETTY DRESS SCENE?!

(Michael Corvin's case file is shown on a computer, with his house number dissolving into the house itself)

NC (vo): She discovers they're searching for a human named Michael Corvin, who lives in this really cool dissolve shot, while the police seem to be looking for him as well.

(The police officers interrogate Michael's friend)

Adam: He's not in some kind of trouble, is he? (The police officer only looks back at him in response)

NC: (as the officer) Let me respond through my channeling of Owen from Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

(A clip of Owen from Planes, Trains and Automobiles adjusting his hat goofily is shown next to the officer)

NC: (as the officer) That should answer it for you. (grunts)

(Selene attacks Michael at home, but sees Lycans approaching them on walls)

NC (vo): Michael returns home to find Selene there, as well as more Lycans hunting him down.

(Selene shoots through the floor and falls into the room below her. Cut to a clip from Family Guy)

Dr. Hartmann: Well, that's just silly.

(Selene shoots at Lucian)

NC (vo): Lucian finds Michael, though, and bites him.

(Lucian bites Michael while Michael screams in pain)

NC: (grins) Ooh! Someone just combined Red Bull with Joe's Cola!

(Selene drags Michael into her car while Lucian pursues them)

NC (vo): Selene saves him, but Lucian continues to hunt them down.

(Lucian is on the roof of Selene's car. He strikes Selene's shoulder with a silver dagger)

NC: Hey, that cool thing that's in everything! What's the name of that thing again? (NC looks up for the information in his cellphone which is "Cool Thing That's in Everything" at an online shop) Oh, fitting title.

(Lucian is thrown out of the car and Selene tries to run him over)

NC: What are you, crazy? He's just standing there! You know that means he's gonna do something really neat!

(Lucian turns around as the vehicle approaches him)

NC: He's gonna do something neat!

(Lucian is hit by Selene's car, but lands back on his feet)

NC: (slightly confused) Neat, but...could have been edited out. (A scene of Michael and Selene inside Selene's car is shown.) Michael offers to take over driving, but Selene insists she's okay.

Michael: But you've lost a lot of blood

Selene: Shut up and hold on. I'll be fine.

(Selene cointinues to drive until she passes out. Michael is forced to drive the car.)

Michael: Shit!

NC: You dabes. (Scenes of Selene passes out and Lucian stabbing her are shown.) You always act tough, but when you need a couch moved or a person to drive when you pass out from losinz blood cuz the leader of the werewolves stab your shoulder with a cool thing that's in everything, you always turn to us.

NC (vo): They crashes into the river, but Michael pulls her out just before passing out himself as the Lycan returns home. (Scenes of Selene's car crashing into the river, Michael saving Selene before passing out and Lucian returning into his HQ are shown.)

Singe: If Michael is indeed The Carrier...

Lucian: Soon, he will be a Lycan.

NC: He will be a Lycan what ? Half the dog that bit him. (The word AAAAAAWW ! is shown while NC is doing a victory dance.)

NC (vo): So Michael wakes up at the vampire mansion. (Scene of Michael waking up is shown.) Don't any bloodsuckers live in mobile homes?

Selene: You've been unconscious for a while. Do you have any idea why those men were after you?

NC: What's that, bitch? Oh, you're totally welcome. Alaways love saving people from a sinking car.

NC (vo): The rest of the vampires are not as happy though having a human in their home. (A scene of Erika looking at Michael is shown.)

Kraven: You go against my orders and spend the night away from the mansion with a human?

Selene: I just need to understand that Michael is somehow important to the Lycans.

Kraven: So now it's "Michael"!

NC: What happened to the name I gave him, Stupid Poopy Dumb Head?

NC (vo): Erika gets a closer look though and discovers he's been bitten by a Lycan. (Scenes of Erika looking at Michael's bite and going to the roof by fear and Michael waking up in fear are shown.)

NC: I have other cartoon cat reflexes. I can have a mallet like that. (A photo of Claude Cat is seen next to NC.)

NC (vo): Michael escapes just pissing off the vampires even more, so Selene prepares once again to hunt him down. (Scenes of Michael escaping the mansion and Selene doing some target pratices are shown.)

Selene: Do you believe Lucian died the way they say?

Kahn: Kraven telling war stories again?

Selene: It's nothing but an ancient story.

NC: I know it's sexist to tell a woman to smile, but is it sexist to tell everyone to smile?

NC (vo): I've surprisingly invested enough in these performances and how dedicated the actors are to them, but it's a little hard to be drawn in when absolutely nobody gives a smirk, a wink, a laugh, a joke. (Scenes of Selene and Kahn at target pratices and Kraven confronting Selene are shown.) Even if the setup has no sense of humor, you can still do something funny something with that. (A scene of Kraven meeting Raze is shown.) Like the Knock-Knock joke from Catch Me If You Can. That's not a funny character, but he's given a funny scene, allowing us to relate to him a lot more. (A photo of a scene of Catch Me If You Can is shown.) It's amazing how far a little scene like that can go. You want to see them die last when you have more to like about them. (A scene of Kraven arguing with Selene is shown.) It's like having the Avengers without any of the scenes of them just chilling and talking. You still get the cool scenes, but something is really missing when you take those moments out. (Photos from scenes of Avengers: Age of Ultron are shown.) With that said, it's not really bad in any way. It's just kind of going through the motions. (A scene of Selene and Kahn at target pratice is shown.) Like when the main lead looks up something bad that happened in the past and, oh no, may happen again. (A scene of Selene looking at some old documents is shown.)

Selene: Of the scores of brave souls who entered Lucian's fortress, a single Vampire survived: Kraven for returning with evidence of the Lycan master's demise.

NC (vo): Okay. How many books actually have the ancient artefact they're talking about in the book?

NC: Look, the Legend of Arthur and the Holy Grail. Complete with the Holy Grail. Doesn't work that way. (NC is flipping a book in which the Holy Grail appeared for a moment.)

(Selene is writing the name of Viktor on a steamed mirror and then wash it away with her hand.)

NC: Ah, the old folktale. Spell Viktor's name on a mirror, do nothing and nothing will occur.

NC (slightly frightened): Oh. It came true.

Selene: Please forgive me, but I desperately need your guidance.

NC (vo): So Selene plans to bring back a different elder named Viktor whom she had a strong connection with in the hopes that he'll know what to do despite him being ressurected over a different elder chosen by the rest. (A scene of Selene going to the ancient vampire lords crypt and rising Viktor's tomb is scene.)

(Selene bites her arm off and a strange metal gear pass through Viktor's roting corpse.)

NC (vo): Hmm. I taste like chicken. (A scene of the tomb turning is shown.)

Selene: To my knowledge.

NC: AAAHHH !!!! (spooked for a moment and then calm down.) Oh, I'm sorry. Somebody just narrating this.

NC (vo) I'll admit I like that's not over-narrated like a lot of other movies that use narrations, but it does happen so rarely it's kind of surprises you when it occurs. (A scene of Selene watching the ressurection of Viktor is shown.)

NC: I mean if you gotta start an idea, don't abandon it halfway through, right? (NC then turns his attention to Senda.)

Senda: Well, perhaps you should consider that...

(But NC cuts her off.)

NC (frown): Nah. I'm sure she agrees.

(And we go to a commercial. Upon return, the movie resumes with scenes of Kraven and some of his men walking inside the mansion, Selene still looking at some ancient documents and Kraven meeting Raze.)

NC (vo): So among people walking to things ancient, stuff being looked at and so many, many, many angry brows.

NC: I'm legit, not complaining. I love all that stuff.

NC (vo): Michael returns back to the mansion and Selene drives him away. (A scene of Michael entering Selene's car is shown.)

Selene: Never come here again. They'll kill you. You understand?

Michael: Why? Who are you people?

NC (vo) (as Selene) We're Batmen.

NC (vo) (as Michael) What?

NC (vo) (as Selene) Sorry. Felt right in the moment. (Selene's car goes right into downtown.)

NC (vo) Meanwhile, the head of the house, Kraven, discovers that Viktor has been risen instead of the chosen elder. (A scene of Kraven walking into the crypt of the ancient vampire lords is shown.)

Erika: I warned her, but she didn't listen. I should've told you sooner.

Kraven: Told me what?

NC: That I look like a guy who constantly smells something bad?

(The ancient vampire, Viktor, rises. Despite being in a decomposing state, he seems to be slowly regenerating thanks to the blood tubes plugged into him.)

NC (vo): Viktor rises and hates that his old person afterlife of watching CSI and Fox News has been interrupted.

Viktor: This coven has grown weak.

NC (vo): Viktor is played by Bill Nighy, though he sounds more like Mattheu McConaughey auditioning for Downton Abbey.

Viktor: Do you know why I've been awakened, servant?

Kraven: I'll soon find out.

Viktor: You must let her come to me. We have much to discuss, Selene and I.

NC: This is worse than that time I discovered I was a video game character in Serenity. (A poster of Serenity is shown next to NC.) You will never gotta see it.

NC (vo): Selene takes Michael to a lab where she plans to figure out why the Lycans want him. While there, she reveals that she hates the Lycans because they killed her human family, but Viktor saved her and turned her into a vampire. When Michael asks who started the war between them, she says they did, Maybe. (Scenes of Selene and Micheal's time in the lab are shown.)

Selene: Or at least that's what we've been led to believe. Digging into the past is forbidden.

NC (confused): Suspicious much?

NC (vo): Man, if you have to just go off someone's word, espacially when there's mounting proof to the contrary, aren't you setting yourself up as a sucker? (Scenes of Selene in the lab and reading ancient documents at the mansions are shown.)

NC: You know, let me see if that actually works. Malcolm. Tamara.

(Tamara and Malcolm appears in the room)

Tamara: For shizzle.

NC: Malcolm, did you know that Tamara killed the dinosaurs?

Malcolm: Is that true?

Tamara: No!

NC: Malcolm, I really want you to believe that.

Malcolm: He's got a point.

Tamara: Malcolm, there's a ton of evidence that proves I did not kill the dinosaurs.

NC: Then Malcolm, I guess you have to ask yourself: who do you believe and who do you want to believe?

Malcolm: Well, I've known Tamara to be a kind and generous person ever since we've met and I've known you to be an attention-hungry drama whore who complains night and day. However, I do love drama. So.. (Malcolm snaps his fingers and a police officer, played by Jim Jarosz, appears to arrest Tamara.)

Police officer: Oh, here you go. Ho. Ho. Ho. Resisting arrest, heh? He. He. He.

(The police officer takes Tamara away.)

NC: Well done, Malcolm. You made my right choice.

Malcolm: You mean the right choice?

NC: What I said?

Malcolm: Your right choice.

NC: Indeed, it is. (Malcolm rolls his eyes)

NC (vo): Selene handcuffs Michael to the chair, saying it's the only way to keep him safe if he transforms. She returns to the mansion where... (Scene of Selene handcuffing Michael before leaving and enterring the mansion are shown.)

NC: Let me guess. All the vampires are sitting around like a Vanity Fair shoot?

(All the vampires are looking at Selene making her way at themansion.)

NC: I'd say that far-fetched, but isn't that whar we all think vampires do, anyway?

NC (vo): Where Kraven, let me guess again, complains about something. (A scene of Selene meeting with Kraven is shown.)

Kraven: How could you do this to me? Embarrass me like this? / chasing after some human was not what I had in mind. / It's beyond me why you're so obsessed over this ridiculous theory. / Absolutely not. Not now. Not for a random incursion. / You take this warrior business far too seriously. / If you go to him, you'll never be welcome in this house again. (Compilations of scenes of Kraven complaining.)

NC (vo): This guy bitches more than... What's the lastest social media trend people use for whining? (A scene of Erika looking at Selene and Kraven arguing is shown.)

(The Twitter title appears next to NC.)

NC: Still? Okay.

NC: She ignores him, though, and go straight to Viktor. (A scene of Selene defeating Kraven is shown.)

(Selene bows down to Viktor.)

NC (vo, as Viktor): Line. Oh, you're keeping that in? Okay, I've done weirder.

Selene: Constantly hounded by Kraven and his never-ending infatuation.

(Kraven watches the discussion through a monitor.)

Viktor: He desires the one thing he cannot have.

NC (imitating Viktor): A full performance where he can show his Face. Oh wait, that's me. (Photos of Bill as Viktor, Davy Jones from Pirates from the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest and Philip from Shaun of the Dead appears above NC.)

Viktor: The chain has never been broken. Not since we elders first began to leapfrog through time.

NC: Okay, I just love that this ancient elderly vampire used the term leapfrog.

NC (vo, imitating Viktor): My hopscothed through time and space and tiddlywinks through eternity.

Selene: The coven is in danger, and Michael is the key.

(Viktor makes some noises to interrupt Selene.)

NC (vo): Ah, the ceremonial chicken transformation.

Selene: The coven is in danger, and Michael is the key.

(Chicken noises replaces Viktor's normal noices)

Viktor: You will not be shown an ounce of leniency. You must be judged!

NC (vo): Oh, that backfired. (A scene of vampires escorting Selene to her chamber is shown.) So, Selene's locked away until they decide what fate awaits her.

Kraven: No one opens this door. Understood?

Erc Idle (vo): Oh, I remember. Can he leave the room with us?

NC: Meanwhile, Michael tries using the gun that shoots the cuffs off. (A scene of Micheal trying to free himself from the cuffs is shown.) It doesn't work. Thank God, we saw that. But Erika breaks in to set Selene free. Thank God, she would have found no way out of this escape proof dungeon. (A scene of Erika freeing Selene is shown.)

Selene: Why are you helping me?

Erika: I'm not. I'm helping me.

NC: Well, that invites no follow-up questions. Off, you go.

(Selene escapes the mansion.)

NC (vo): She gets to Michael, but she's follow. So she once again tries to save him. (Scenes of Selene saving Michael and attacking her own kind are shown.)

Selene: Jump.

(Michael jumps out of the window while the vampires continues to shoot)

NC (shouting): I said jump, not plummet!

NC (vo): He's captured again, though. He does that very well. (A scene of Michael been captured by the Lycans is shown.) Selene, however, catches the Lycan scientist and brings him to Viktor. (A scene of Selene throwing Singe through the ground to Viktor is shown.)

Selene: Now, I want you to tell them exactly what you told me.

NC (vo, imitating Singe): Oh. Uh, your boobs are amazing. I comment on them all night. Argh!! (A scene of Selene crushing Singe's shoulder is shown.)

Singe: We've been searching for someone... of Alexander Corvinus... Hungarian... who came to power in the early seasons of the fifth century.

NC: Did you have to give the exposition to the thickest accent in the movie?

NC: Okay, it's a bit hard to follow through Hugo Brad Dourif Weaving's accent, but it's sounds like he was working on combining the bloodlines of both vampires and Lycans. (Scenes of Singe explaining his research are shown.)

Singe: It has already begun.

(Viktor kills Singe with one punch.)

NC: Okay. That's not the coolest punch I've seen, but it's at the top four.

NC: So they discovers Kraven has betrayed them and is in cahoots with Lucian. (A scene of Kraven talking with Lucian is shown.)

Lucien: I thought we had a deal.

Kraven: These are matters to be discussed in private.

NC: You know, it's just hit me. Why am I rooting for any of these people? Whoever wins is gonna eat us!

NC: Lucian uses his Sauron vision to show Michael that, long ago, Lucian and Viktor's daughter were lovers. But combining the bloodlines would make them too powerful, so he had his daughter killed. (A scene of Michael viewing the past of Lucian is shown.) A "Wolfeo and Ghouliette" if you will.

Lucien: I was born in servitude... yet I harbored them no ill will. I even took a Vampire for my bride.

NC: You know, I'm really growing to like Lucian. First of all, he's the only one who smiles.

NC (vo): Second, he is an interesting and complex character. It'll be interesting to see what they do with him. (A scene of Lucian talking with Michael is shown.)

(Kraven shoots Lucian in the back.)

NC (shouting): Why now? Booooooo!!!!

(A scene of Lucian dying is shown)

NC: Can we at least have vampire him react to that?

(Kraven shoots Lucian in the back, then we cut to a scene of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 in which Aro laughs and then re-cut back to the scene of Lucian dying.)

NC: Things feel okay now.

NC (vo): Well, keep him. The writer is felling bad that he kill him off. (A scene of Raze mourning the death of Lucian is shown.)

(Raze attacks one of Kraven's goons.)

NC: Oh no. The two bodyguards we barely seen in this movie are gonna fight. I'm so invested in this. (A scene of Raze attacking a vampire with whips is shown.)

(Raze shifts into his Lycan form and attacks the vampire with whips.)

NC: On second thought, this is like ordering a burger, but getting a steak, but the steak is a lot better. So I'll take it.

NC (vo, imitating the vampire with whips) I gotta look behind me for no reason. I regret looking behind me for no reason. (A scene of Raze killing the vampire with whips is shown.)

(The vampires and Lycan began to shoot at each other)

NC (vo): There's a big shoou-out with the vampires and werewolves all at each other's throats as Kraven tries to escape. (Scenes of the shoot-out and Kraven's escape are shown.)

(Kraven slips on a step and fall down on the floor.)

NC: Clumsiest dumbass vampire ever.

NC (vo): Selene frees Michael and... (A scene of Selene and Michael kissing is shown.) I guess they were in love, too. (A poster of You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do from Futurama appears next to Selene and Michael) Hooray ? But Kraven gets the drop on him. (A scene of Kraven shooting at Michael is shown.)

NC: God, this guy's so unlikable, he could be a Baldwin.

NC (vo): Kraven reveal though that Viktor killed Selene's family and only spared her because she reminded him of his own daughter. (A scene of Selene confronting Kraven is shown.) But Lucian gets one more "Ahahahaha" in as Selene bites Michael to save him, turning him into a powerful hybrid. (Scenes of Lucian trying to stop Kraven and Selene Biting Michael before being thrown by Viktor are shown.)

Viktor: Is it not a fair trade, the life I have granted you?

Selene: And the life of your daughter?

Viktor: I loved my daughter!

NC: Oh, he turned into a Trump speech for a second.

Viktor: I loved my daughter!

NC (imitating Donald Trump): I loved my daughter! She's great! Huge!

NC (vo): Michael was fully transformed, though, and... (A scene of Michael fully transformed into a hybrid pushes Viktor into the water is shown.) Oh oh oh. I think I'm gonna like "Werepire".

(Viktor and Michael began to fight with Michael getting the upper hand.)

NC: Yeahm this fight's pretty awesome.

NC (vo): There's so much gunplay in this movie that, well cool, does make you forget this is a vampire vs. werewolf film. (A scene of the shoot-out is shown.) Well here, youget a good reminder as they scratch each other, punch each other, sneer at each other, throw each other. Literally not making a dent, that's weird. But there is something bizarrely awesome about seeing an aging fanged Davy Jones deliver hooks to Ben from Felicity doing his impression of Thriller. (A scene of Michael fighting Viktor is shown.)

NC: I am NOT dissatified.

Viktor: Time to die.

(Selene watches the fight.)

NC: Why is that a popular phrase in movies? (A photo of Mage Profion from Dungeon and Dragons with the phrase "Time to die!" appears next to NC.) It's not a good line.