Underworld

Underworld
Released	August 21, 2019
Running Time	26:42
Previous Review	The Jetsons Meet the Flintstones
Next Review	Mulan II
Link	http://channelawesome.com/underworld-nostalgia-critic/

(The Channel Awesome logo and show opening play. Then open on NC sitting in a darkened room surrounded by other people wearing flamboyant attire)

NC: (looking toward camera) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Every once in a while, you gotta get a little fashionable. And in fashion, there's no name bigger than Senda Mode!

(Senda Mode (played by Tamara, wearing the same attire as Edna Mode from The Incredibles, comes on a white stage as everybody applauds)

Audience member 1 (Malcolm): Oh, wowser!

Senda: Yes, yes. Thank you, dahlings, yes.

NC: Senda's been planning a nostalgic callback to movie fashion at the turn of the century. So I figured there's no better place to have that fashion show than at the studio of The Nostalgia Critic.

Senda: Yes, yes. My first design: the Keanu "Matrix" Reeves.

(Neo from The Matrix, played by Walter, comes on a runway and makes several poses)

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(Everybody applauds as Neo imitates himself in bullet time)

Audience member 1 (Malcolm): Bravo!

Audience member 2 (Rob): Bravissimo.

Senda: Next, the Wesley "Blade" Snipes.

(Blade (Malcolm) comes on a runway and swishes his sword)

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(The audience applauds)

Audience member 2: I'm in love.

Senda: Next, the Bruce "Sin City" Willis.

(John Hartigan from Sin City, played by Doug, appears gloomily in black-and-white colors)

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(Another applause follows, though NC becomes slightly confused)

Audience member 3 (Walter): Oooh!

Audience member 2: Enchante.

Senda: Next is the Nicolas "Face/Off" Cage.

(Nicolas Cage instantly appears on a runway and does a pelvic thrust (though, really, it's Jim wearing a Cage cardboard mask))

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(Yet another applause, with NC looking even more confused)

Audience member 2: Merciful.

Audience member 4 (Tamara): Outstanding.

Senda: Next, the "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" Invisible Man.

(NC smiles, crossing his arms. The apparent Invisible Man appears, when in reality, it's just a trenchcoat hung from above on a small string)

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(NC is not applauding with everyone else)

Audience member 1: Ooooh!

Audience member 2: Gracias!

Senda: Yes, yes. Thank you, dahlings, yes.

NC: (to the camera) Yeah, I guess a lot of action stars in the late 90s and early 2000s had a thing for long black coats.

(The posters and shots from all the movies that Senda mentioned are shown)

NC (vo): On the one hand, it kinda makes sense, as they look very cool. They're cinematically pleasing, wave beautifully in the wind, and they immediately give the impression of that dark loner who does things differently...except when everyone else does it.

(As NC says this, the posters of Shoot 'Em Up, Tombstone, Sin City and The Punisher (2004) are shown quickly, followed by the mentioned Invisible Man and Dr. Sivana from Shazam!)

NC (vo): Yeah, now this has become a major cliche, but it is a cool cliche, still making appearances here and there.

NC: But one of the last films you could argue just barely got away with it is...

Senda: And, finally, Kate "Underworld" Beckinsale.

(Selene from Underworld, played by Tamara, comes on a runway, wielding two guns)

Senda: Notice the shoes...and the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(The audience applauds more enthusiastically than before)

Audience member 2: Chicly! Chicly!

Audience member 4: Yes! Yes!

NC: You clicked on the video. You know which one it is.

Audience member 1: (applauding passionately) Oh...

(The title for Underworld is shown, followed by clips)

NC (vo): Released in 2003, this was one of the few comic book movies that was not based on a comic book. Surprisingly, there's not as many of these as you would think, (The posters for Darkman (1990), The Toxic Avenger and The Incredibles appear) and this, by far, would confuse the most people into thinking it was. Everything from the look, the story, the lines; it all suggests it came from a graphic novel. But, nope. This was an original idea, directed by Len Wiseman and developed by Danny McBride and Kevin Grevioux, who also appeared in the movie. While not a critical favorite, audiences found themselves growing an attachment to both this film and its sequels, even spawning, not surprisingly, its own comic series written by Grevioux. But over 15 years later, does this film stand out more than just another long black coat movie?

NC: Well, there's only one way to find out.

Senda: Do you mind?! We're trying to conduct a fashion show here!

NC: (looks around) Oh. Sorry, it's a kind of bad habit I have. I'll be quiet.

Senda: Are you sure?

NC: (smiling) Mm-hmm.

Senda: All right. (prepares to announce another model) Next, we have...

NC: (instantly turns to the camera) So let's take a look at Underworld! (And he's booed by the audience, being forced to leave the room) Yeah, I'm going, I'm going! Yeah, right now!

Audience member 2: Street rat!

Audience member 3: Normie!

Audience member 2: There goes the neighborhood.

(The movie starts with Selene, played by Beckinsale, looking over the town from the tower window while it rains)

NC (vo): So how long till we get our "angsty protagonist looming over the city" shot--? Well, you know what the people want. Make room for (shots of...) Daredevil, Batman, Spider-Man...

(As pictures of Green Arrow, Superman, Joker, Spawn and one screenshot from Sin City appear all at one, the "And the rest!" bit of the theme song of Gilligan's Island plays out)

Selene: (narrating) The war had all but ground to a halt in the blink of an eye.

NC (vo): So I hope you like homework, because this movie leaves more info in its opening minutes than SAT study guides.

Selene: (narrating, in various scenes) Lucian, the most feared and ruthless leader, had finally been killed. / The lycan horde scattered to the wind in a single... / ...proved unwilling to follow Lucian to the grave. / Nearly six centuries had passed since that night.

(All of Selene's lines turn into an incoherent cacophony. NC, now in his usual spot, is reading a CliffsNotes "Underworld" guide)

NC: Okay, here's the main setup.

NC (vo): There's a war between vampires and werewolves, or lycans, and the vampires mostly wiped them out. However, they're shocked to find there's still quite a few left, more than they thought.

NC: Oh, and Lenny dies! ... I think that page was meant for something else.

(The people of the town are shown walking around with umbrellas)

NC (vo; as a weatherman on TV): Today's forecast is like yesterday's forecast: blue. A whole shit ton of blue.

(Selene follow two lycans going into the subway station and notices Michael Corvin for a moment)

NC: Ok, so something you'll notice very quickly, even though this movie has a lot of cliches, there are the really good cliches. (Selene gives a nod to a fellow vampire) Like I could watch a whole movie of people just starring at each other before shit goes down.

(NC gives a nod to Tamara who nod back. Then NC gives a nod to Malcolm who nod back at him. And finally NC gives a nod to R2-D2 who reply by making a sound effect.)

NC: See, there's just something cool about it. (The lycans and the vampires began to shoot at each other with guns while some people, including Michael, takes cover) A fight breaks out as a vampire named Selene, played by Kate Beckinsale, hunts down some lycans in a subway station.

(Selene joins the fight also.)

NC: Hey, C'mon. We're Matrxing down here !

(Selene and the lycan tries to kill each other, but misses their target.)

NC: How come movies about amazing hunters always have them missing more than they hit ?

(We see a counter for both Things Hit and Things Missed. The Things Missed counter is 655. The Things Hit counter is 001. A woman have been hit during the shoot-out. The passengers in the train continues to hide.)

NC: But the cool Blazing Saddles. You shoot him, that only makes him mad. (The black lycan, Raze, began to shift into his lycan form.)

NC: This is no time to reenact Sorry to Bother You. (A Poster of Sorry to Bother You is shown next to NC.) Yet, for the people that haven't seen it, good luck figuring that out. (Raze kills off some vampires in the dark.) Lycan take out the vampires though so only Selene is left.

(Selene approaches carefully the area until she hides from an incoming subway train.)

NC: Yeah, those loud subway train do sneak up on you ! (Selene throws 4 shurikens on a lycan and 2 lycans returns to their human forms in their hideout.) She pumpkin bomb the last lycan standing as the survivors make it back to their leader Lucian, played by Michael "Ahahahaha" Sheen. (A photo of Michael Sheen as Aro in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 is seen next to Lucian.) Sadly, he's actually trying in this movie, so we don't get anything that goofy. (2 lycans are seeing fighting for a short moment.) But seeing how this is a vampire flick, I'm curious to see his new take on Frost/Nixon. (A poster of Frost/Nixon is seen with Frost from the Blade movie taking the place of David Frost.)

Lucian: Pierce! Taylor! Put some clothes on, will you?

NC: There's only so much the light green boss can't cover. (A green arrow is pointing at Pierce's lower body.)

NC: Selenbe returns home at Vampire Toad Hall and she reports that the lycans are still around. (Selene returns to the vampire HQ and come across a party of vampires.)

Selene: Ultraviolet ammunition. (A vampire named Kahn examines the ammunition.)

Kahn: Daylight, harnessed as a weapon.

Kraven: We've hunted them to the brink of extinction.

Selene: They opened fire on us in full view of the public.

NC: So, here's the thing about this movie. It does have a lot of things we've seen before and it is pretty standard as these films go, but there is a strange kind of investment. (Scenes of Selene and Kahn talking and Kraven descending to the party of vampires are shown.) I'm not sure if it's the writing, the acting, the style or maybe all three, but despite nothing really being that new, I do find myself really listening to what they're saying.

Selene: But I'd rather you prove me wrong by checking it out.

Kraven: Soren will handle it.

Selene: Viktor would believe me. (Kraven look at Selene leaving.)

Erika: I'd never dream of treating you like that.

Kraven: Of course, you would.

NC: That's why you earn your name Lady Brown-nose. (Scene of Selene walking towards the crypt of the ancient vampire lords is shown.) It looks like a big event is planned called the Awakening. I know. I'm shocked people who look like this came up with that pretentious name, too. Where one of the ancient vampire lords is to be ressurected back to life, but Selene can't help but fell uneasy and I'd listen to her. She's been weidly typecast. (A photo of Kate Beckinsale as Anna Valerious from Van Helsing is shown next to Selene.)

Erika: It's a waste of time, you know. Come on, We need to get you ready.

Selene: For What?

Erika: The party.

NC (in a british accent): Party? I've been toilet trained since last week. Thank you very much. (Scene of Erika going to Selene's room is shown.) Selene's friend, Erika, or RAWRR as she's often referred to, tries to get her ready for the big party.

Erika: You should definitely wear this one. It's perfect.

NC (offscreen, as Erika): As you can see in this mirror, we're not supposed to see ourselves in... Hey.

Kraven: You know, I planned to have you at my side this evening.

Selene: Take Erika. She's dying to be at your side.

NC: We will have our obligatory pretty dress scene. You've done this before. You know the drill. (A photo of Kate Beckinsale in a red dress is scene next to NC.) (Scenes of Selene looking at Michael in a computer and an underground laboratory are shown.) As she tries to look closer at the two lycan she fought, they tried to regroup at their headquarters.

NC (vo; as Singe): You will tell me the secret of the everlasting Gobstopper. (A scene of Raze carrying a body is shown.)

NC: Oh, I do hope we cut to another blue room. (A scene of Singe, Raze and the body is shown.) Yes! Mark Fields need to look like Nightcrawler's dick was smeared all over it. (A photo of Kodi Smit-McPhee as Nightcrawler is seen.) By the way, comment if I'm not the only one who fought he had four arms for a second. (A green arrow points at the arm of the body Raze was carrying.)

Lucian: If vampires didn't realize you were following a human...

Raze: I don't think so.

Lucian: You don't think or you don't know?

NC: I think that the same thing in this case. (A scene of Erika talking to Kraven during the vampire party is shown.) As the vampires prepare for their party, Selene leaves to go search for those lycans. What about our obligatory dress scene ? Obligatory dress scene! (Kraven watches Selene leaving the vampire HQ.) She discovers they're searching for a human named Michael Corvin who lives in this really cool dissolve shot while the police seems to be looking for him as well. (Scenes of Michael Corvin's file and police offices interrogating Michael's friend are shown.)

Adam: He's not in some kind of trouble, is he? (The Police officer only look back at him in response.)

NC: Let me respond through my channeling of Owen from Planes, Trains and Automobiles. (A photo of Owen from Planes, Trains and Automobiles is seen next to the police officer.) That's should answer it for you (NC then makes a grunt noise.) Micheal returns home to Selene there as well as more lycans hunting him down. (Scenes of Selene attacking Michael, lycans walking on walls and Selene shooting at the floor are shown.)

Dr. Hartmann: Well, that's just silly.

(Selene shoots at Lucian.)

NC: Lucian finds Michael though and bites him. (Lucian bites Michael while Michael screams in pain.)

NC: Ooh. Someone just combined Red Bull with Jose Call Up.

(Selene drags Michael into her car while Lucian pursue them.)

NC: Selene saves him, but Lucian continues to hunt them down. (Lucian is on the roof of Selene's car and strike Selene's shoulder with a silver dagger.)

NC: Hey, that cool thing that's in everything. What's the name of that thing again? (NC looks up for the information in his cellphone which is Cool Thing That's in Everything.) Oh, putting title.

(Lucian is thrown out of the car and Selene tries to run him over.)

NC: What are you crazy? He's just standing there. You know that means he's gonna do something really neat.

(Lucian turns around as the vehicle approaches him.)

NC: He's gonna do something neat.

(Lucian is hit by Selene's car, but lands back on his feet.)

NC (slightly confused) Neat, but could have been edited out.