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Underworld

Underworld nc

Released
August 21, 2019
Running Time
26:42
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(The Channel Awesome logo and show opening play. Then open on NC sitting in a darkened room surrounded by other people wearing flamboyant attire)

NC: (looking toward camera) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Every once in a while, you gotta get a little fashionable. And in fashion, there's no name bigger than Senda Mode!

(Senda Mode (played by Tamara, wearing the same attire as Edna Mode from The Incredibles, comes on a white stage as everybody applauds)

Audience member 1 (Malcolm): Oh, wowser!

Senda: Yes, yes. Thank you, dahlings, yes.

NC: Senda's been planning a nostalgic callback to movie fashion at the turn of the century. So I figured there's no better place to have that fashion show than at the studio of The Nostalgia Critic.

Senda: Yes, yes. My first design: the Keanu "Matrix" Reeves.

(Neo from The Matrix, played by Walter, comes on a runway and makes several poses)

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(Everybody applauds as Neo imitates himself in bullet time)

Audience member 1 (Malcolm): Bravo!

Audience member 2 (Rob): Bravissimo.

Senda: Next, the Wesley "Blade" Snipes.

(Blade (Malcolm) comes on a runway and swishes his sword)

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(The audience applauds)

Audience member 2: I'm in love.

Senda: Next, the Bruce "Sin City" Willis.

(John Hartigan from Sin City, played by Doug, appears gloomily in black-and-white colors)

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(Another applause follows, though NC becomes slightly confused)

Audience member 3 (Walter): Oooh!

Audience member 2: Enchante.

Senda: Next is the Nicolas "Face/Off" Cage.

(Nicolas Cage instantly appears on a runway and does a pelvic thrust (though, really, it's Jim wearing a Cage cardboard mask))

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(Yet another applause, with NC looking even more confused)

Audience member 2: Merciful.

Audience member 4 (Tamara): Outstanding.

Senda: Next, the "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" Invisible Man.

(NC smiles, crossing his arms. The apparent Invisible Man appears, when in reality, it's just a trenchcoat hung from above on a small string)

Senda: Notice the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(NC is not applauding with everyone else)

Audience member 1: Ooooh!

Audience member 2: Gracias!

Senda: Yes, yes. Thank you, dahlings, yes.

NC: (to the camera) Yeah, I guess a lot of action stars in the late 90s and early 2000s had a thing for long black coats.

(The posters and shots from all the movies that Senda mentioned are shown)

NC (vo): On the one hand, it kinda makes sense, as they look very cool. They're cinematically pleasing, wave beautifully in the wind, and they immediately give the impression of that dark loner who does things differently...except when everyone else does it.

(As NC says this, the posters of Shoot 'Em Up, Tombstone, Sin City and The Punisher (2004) are shown quickly, followed by the mentioned Invisible Man and Dr. Sivana from Shazam!)

NC (vo): Yeah, now this has become a major cliche, but it is a cool cliche, still making appearances here and there.

NC: But one of the last films you could argue just barely got away with it is...

Senda: And, finally, Kate "Underworld" Beckinsale.

(Selene from Underworld, played by Tamara, comes on a runway, wielding two guns)

Senda: Notice the shoes...and the long black trenchcoat that says "I'm a cool, angry rebel".

(The audience applauds more enthusiastically than before)

Audience member 2: Chicly! Chicly!

Audience member 4: Yes! Yes!

NC: You clicked on the video. You know which one it is.

Audience member 1: (applauding passionately) Oh...

(The title for Underworld is shown, followed by clips)

NC (vo): Released in 2003, this was one of the few comic book movies that was not based on a comic book. Surprisingly, there's not as many of these as you would think, (The posters for Darkman (1990), The Toxic Avenger and The Incredibles appear) and this, by far, would confuse the most people into thinking it was. The look, the story, the lines; it all suggests it came from a graphic novel. But, nope. This was an original idea, directed by Len Wiseman and developed by Danny McBride and Kevin Grevioux, who also appeared in the movie. While not a critical favorite, audiences found themselves growing an attachment to both this film and its sequels, even spawning, not surprisingly, its own comic series written by Grevioux. But over 15 years later, does this film stand out more than just another long black coat movie?

NC: Well, there's only one way to find out.

Senda: Do you mind?! We're trying to conduct a fashion show here!

NC: (looks around) Oh. Sorry, it's a kind of bad habit I have. I'll be quiet.

Senda: Are you sure?

NC: (smiling) Mm-hmm.

Senda: All right. (prepares to announce another model) Next, we have...

NC: (instantly turns to the camera) So let's take a look at Underworld! (And he's booed by the audience, being forced to leave the room) Yeah, I'm going, I'm going! Yeah, right now!

Audience member 2: Street rat!

Audience member 3: Normie!

Audience member 2: There goes the neighborhood.

(The movie starts with Selene, played by Beckinsale, looking over the town from the tower window while it rains)

NC (vo): So how long till we get our "angsty protagonist looming over the city" shot--? Well, you know what the people want. Make room for (shots of...) Daredevil, Batman, Spider-Man...

(As pictures of Green Arrow, Superman, Joker, Spawn and one screenshot from Sin City appear all at one, the "And the rest!" bit of the theme song of Gilligan's Island plays out)

Selene: (narrating) The war had all but ground to a halt in the blink of an eye.

NC (vo): So I hope you like homework, because this movie leaves more info in its opening minutes than SAT study guides.

Selene: (narrating, in various scenes) Lucian, the most feared and ruthless leader, had finally been killed. / The lycan horde scattered to the wind in a single... / ...proved unwilling to follow lucian to the grave. / Nearly six centuries had passed since that night.

(All of Selene's lines turn into an incoherent cacophony. NC, now in his usual spot, is reading a CliffsNotes "Underworld" guide)

NC: Okay, here's the main setup.

NC (vo): There's a war between vampires and werewolves, or lichens, and the vampires mostly wiped them out. However, they're shocked to find there's still quite a few left, more than they thought.

NC: Oh, and Lenny dies! ...I think that page was meant for something else.

(The people of the town are shown walking around with umbrellas)

NC (vo; as a weatherman on TV): Today's forecast is like yesterday's forecast: blue. A whole shit ton of blue.

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