Uncanny X-Men 424

Uncanny X-Men #424
Released	January 19, 2009
Running time	16:08
Previous review	Uncanny X-Men 423
Next review	Mr. T and the T-Force 1
Tagline	Some books inspire people to become Catholic. This book inspires Catholics to laugh their heads off over how someone doesn't know anything about their religion.
Link	http://atopthefourthwall.com/uncanny-x-men-424/

Linkara (v/o): Previously on Atop the Fourth Wall...

(A montage of clips from Linkara's video on "Uncanny X-Men 423" is shown)

Linkara: As such, let's dig into (holds up comic) "Uncanny X-Men #423".

(Cut to Linkara confronting the Phantasm, holding his pistol in one hand and a dagger in the other)

Linkara: Damn you, Phantasm! You know I can't release Issue 2 of "Revolution of the Mask" until issue 1 sales improve!

(Cut to Dr. Insano cackling)

Dr. Insano: Soon, the world will tremble at the mere mention of the name (holds up fist) "Dr. Insano"! Not even Linkara can stop me now! (cackles)

[...]

(Cut to black)

Linkara (v/o): And now, the conclusion...

(Cut to Linkara sitting down at his Futon, breathing heavily)

Linkara (v/o): Whew! Man, this past week has been something and a half. But enough about that, you saw that already. Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Well, we've seen part one of "Holy War", so now it's time to see how bad part two is. So let's dig into (holds up comic of discussion) "Uncanny X-Men #424".

(A closeup of the comic cover is shown)

Linkara (v/o): Ugh! This cover is so bland! What is up with the artist and the cheekbones? He makes them so pronounced with the line work that you'd think a human face was just a couple of puzzle pieces snapped together. The perspective work with Wolverine's claws is nice and all, but it's better suited for a different book. And talk about a waste of space! The three X-Men are centered in the comic with whitespace all around them! Why?! Why couldn't we have a scene from the book itself?

(The comic opens to the first page, showing a recap page)

Linkara (v/o): We have another recap page, but the only thing of note here is that it lists Jubilee as the only survivor of the crucifixions from the last issue.

(A panel from said last issue, depicting the scene in question, is shown)

Linkara (v/o): But wait a second, we all saw that scene, and we all saw the other team members getting up! The only one who didn't make it was Angelo! (sobs) Dear sweet Angelo, we hardly knew ye!

Linkara: Well, okay, we didn't know him at all, but then again, considering how we haven't seen any of the other characters reacting to his death, I think it's safe to say that none of them knew him, either.

Linkara (v/o): We open right where we left off, with the team discovering the basement full of dead mutants. Once again, Nightcrawler is our narrator.

Nightcrawler: (narrating) In Genesis 20 through 30, "The Word of God" gives mankind the right of dominion over all beasts of the earth. Looking at me, would you consider me more "person" or "beast"?

Linkara (v/o): For once, Chuck Austin did actually get the Bible passages right, but frankly, those passages aren't nearly as melodramatic as Nightcrawler would have you believe.

Linkara: (reading the Bible in a bored monotone voice) "And that Jacob had obeyed his father and his mother and was gone to Paddan Aram. And Esau seeing that the daughters of Canaan pleased not Isaac his father; Then went Esau unto Ishmael, and took unto the wives which he had Mahalath the daughter of Ishmael Abraham's son, the sister of Nebajoth, to be his wife." (looks up) Seriously, this is like the drum solo of the Bible!

Nightcrawler: (narrating) Once a people is "demonized"--

Linkara (v/o): Thanks for the unnecessary quotation marks, Kurt.

Nightcrawler: (narrating) --equated with something less than or not even human--

(Linkara stops abruptly as he notices that one dead mutant is lying on top of another, face down, on the other's groin)

Linkara (v/o): Hey, wait a second, is that dead right there– (suddenly, he bursts out laughing)

Linkara: (laughing) Wh– Wha– What were they even thinking when they died?!

Linkara (v/o): I know, I know, it's a pretty juvenile thing to laugh at, but– but come on! What was the artist thinking?! Did the Church of Humanity pose them right there after they died? There's no way they fell down like that naturally! There is a human among the bodies and is still alive, calling out to Nightcrawler when he hears his voice. Nightcrawler identifies him as Father Whitney, and I'm afraid I do have to give Chuck Austin some credit here. In the narration captions, he does point out the hypocrisy of an extremist group that believes abortion is wrong because of the sanctity of human life, yet is perfectly willing to murder people. Let's see how fast that credit expires, hmm? Nightcrawler teleports down to Father Whitney, and of course completely picks the guy off the ground while hanging suspended from his tail.

Linkara: Hey, Nightcrawler, why don't you bend the dying old man's spine some more? I'm not sure he's in enough pain yet!

Linkara (v/o): Jean Grey detects more people alive and telekinetically separates them from the dead ones.

Jean: I don't want to catch anyone on the jagged floor.

Linkara (v/o): (as Jean) So instead, I'll simply slam them into the ceiling. (normal again) Father Whitney speaks his dying words, or rather, his dying speech.

Whitney: You were right to question, Kurt... you were right to realize that wearing a collar and living in a church... doesn't make you closer to God.

Linkara: (as Whitney) Living in a huge tower, though, that should do it.

Whitney: They were so angry when I failed to keep you in the priesthood... when I failed to curb your lustful desires.

Linkara: Nightcrawler as a Catholic priest and lustful desires? (beat) You know what, I'm not even gonna touch that one.

Whitney: I had spent so much time convincing them that you would be our greatest achievement... our key to the world... once you became... Pope.

Linkara (v/o): (incredulously) Pope?! Pope?!? He was training to be a priest! These guys planned to make Nightcrawler the Pope?! I hate to break it to you, but there are a couple of steps in between "mutant priest in Brooklyn" and "Supreme Pontiff"!

Whitney: I tried to find... another... we gathered so many... you can see how many in the church here... but you were... were...

Linkara (v/o): Geeze, this guy is milking his death scene for everything it's worth!

Whitney: ...they're in Montana, Kurt. They never left. I am so sorry, Kurt.

Linkara (v/o): What is this, "The Long Goodbye"? Just die already!

Whitney: I was just doing what they told me. I never expected... to like you. I never expected to... grow fond of a... a mutie...

Linkara (v/o): And with that, Father Whitney finally dies.

Linkara: That poor sweet old man. Don't worry, you'll be buried next to Angelo, where you'll be remembered by all.

(Cut to a shot of a tombstone with the following inscription on it: "Father Whitney, Plot Device and Preacher – Also, Angelo")

Linkara (v/o): Father Whitney – no one could provide exposition during their death like he could.

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