Ultimates 3 #5
February 8, 2010
Ultimately stupefying! Ultimately shallow! Ultimately what-the-hell?
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. (he is wearing black gloves) Yeah, you're probably wondering about the gloves. You see, I got into an argument with a bit of a hot plate and burned them pretty badly. I didn't think you guys wanted to see charred, bandaged hands. So, where were we?
(Shots of past shots of the "Ultimates 3" comics are shown)
Linkara (v/o): The Scarlet Witch is dead, robots are trying to take over the world, and everbody's a moron.
Linkara: (holding up comic of review for today) So let's dig into "Ultimates 3 #5".
(Title sequence rolls; title card has Styx's "Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto" playing; cut to the first page of the comic)
Linkara (v/o): This issue begins with the lead robot, who has taken the name Yellow Jacket – though apparently also is named Ultron in a one-two punch of referencing the Marvel Universe – giving a whole ton of exposition about why he decided to overturn his organic overlords. You know, a lot of people have told me that this has nothing to do with "Ultimates 1" and "2", but this book, despite a few hiccups, minor errors, and Pyro being a bad guy, even though everywhere else he's a good guy, it's actually built on nothing but references to the previous ones. For example, the explanation: in "Ultimates 2", Hank Pym went to visit Nick Fury in the hopes of contributing robot soldiers to aid the Ultimates. Fury turned him down, but during that time, the Scarlet Witch met with the robots and, once again referencing the fact that in the main Marvel Universe, the Scarlet Witch was married to a robot called Vision, there was a throwaway line from Quicksilver asking her if she was flirting with the robot. However, according to this comic, not only was she flirting with the robot, but indeed, accidentally cast some sort of spell on the machine, making it obsessed with her.
Linkara: Because, of course, a machine programmed to fight and kill would naturally possess a libido that serves no purpose in its programming.
Vision: (narrating) It started with hacking into Tony Stark's personal computer, leaking his sex antics onto the Internet. He needed to be distracted. Dulled with alcohol. Stark would've spotted the replacements.
Linkara: I reiterate, Tony Stark is always drinking in "The Ultimates".
Vision: (narrating) I created "Venom" to kidnap Wanda. To keep her from them. For what was to come...
Linkara: Annnnd... why did you make it look like Venom?
Vision: (narrating) But she wasn't there. She was with... him. Her brother. Pietro. My rival.
Linkara: This is going to make for a very interesting episode of Jerry Springer: "Who should she choose? Her robot lover, or her brother lover?"
Vision: (narrating) You, my creator, had to be removed from the equation.
Linkara: (as Vision) However, it turns out that I didn't have to. Man, that pudding's deadly.
Linkara (v/o): He then says that he followed Wanda out and saw Pietro about to exclaim his love to her.
Vision: (narrating) It was at that moment, that fateful moment, that I realized... she would never be mine. It was a crime of passion.
Linkara: You know, you could have just shot him.
Linkara (v/o): As he explains that he's going to replace the Ultimates with his own robot versions, he says he's doing it all for Wanda. Furthermore, he tries to justify his actions by saying that by killing Wanda, her father would be enraged and start a war with humankind.
Linkara: Your robot brain is surprisingly limited. Pietro was your rival and, as we'll see, still cared about by Magneto, despite earlier misgivings, and would probably have done the same job without killing the one you loved. Open file: (runs his finger across his face as if reading something) "You... are... an... I-D-IT!"
Linkara (v/o): He further explains... Seriously, this entire page is exposition of the entire plot; that's well-crafted storytelling, isn't it? ...that by bonding human DNA with the mainframe machine, it prevents degradation of the human tissue, and that the DNA maintains its integrity better when the human host is alive.
Linkara: That doesn't even begin to make sense! It's not like human flesh is psychic and keeps tabs on any disconnected bits of it!
Linkara (v/o): Wasp and Hank Pym decide to follow him, but also realize that they need help. Cut back to Magneto, who's making short work of the attacking forces. All of a sudden, the Robo-Ultimates show up. Wow, that was quick. We also see that Wasp and Hank Pym freed Iron Man and stowed away on the jet. Apparently, Quicksilver isn't the only one with super-speed; otherwise, I have no idea how the hell they're doing everything so fast. Back over to Black Panther fighting the Juggernaut. And I know I'm supposed to be worried about his well-being and all, but every time I look at that red eye, all I can think of is...
(Cut to a clip of an episode Battlestar Galactica, showing a Cylon, which has a similar-looking red eye)
Cylon: By your command, Imperious Leader.
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Wolverine rides a triceratops and knocks the juggernaut away and threatens to slice up the juggernaut. Oh, but then Black Panther reveals that he's Captain America. Yeah, that was the big secret. And furthermore, Iron Man and the mini-Marvel shows up and asks what everyone must be asking right now.
Wasp: Why were you dressed as the Panther? Where is the real Panther? Is there a real Black Panther?!
Linkara: And... what's the answer to that, Bob? (looks offscreen, only to hear nothing) That's correct – there is no answer! It's just one big, unexplained what-the-hell!
Linkara (v/o): Back over to Valkyrie, with Mastermind and Pyro talking about how much they'll enjoy raping her since her mind is hallucinating. Ugh, this comic has a thin layer of icky on every page! However, in her hallucinations, some silhouetted form comes to her and says that he didn't give her power so that she could die. Who is this person? What deal is he talking about? I have no idea. People have said that there was an annual issue that actually filled in the plot holes of Valkyrie and Black Panther, but in my humble opinion, if they couldn't be bothered to put these answers in the comic itself, if the story cannot be contained within its own pages, and requires peripheral reading, there is no reason why I should need to read it for the answers! For crying out loud, at least "Amazons Attack" tried to explain what happened in tie-in issues. This one just tosses logic to the wind and says, "Screw you! You want answers? Then buy more of the same junk you didn't like in the first place!" Anyway, Valkyrie wakes up.
Valkyrie: Men. Dead men.
Linkara: No, no, no, Valkyrie, for the ninth time, it's "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish".
Linkara (v/o): So Valkyrie cuts off Mastermind's head. What is with this book and its decapitation fetish?
(A montage of past panels is shown, all depicting the threat of beheading)
Linkara (v/o): Venom told Valkyrie he was going to take off her head, Wolverine told Hawkeye he'd cut off his head, and now Valkyrie actually chops off somebody's head! Or maybe it's dismemberment in general, as Pyro's hands get lopped off next.
Linkara: I guess his mutant name is "Stumpy" now.
Linkara (v/o): Back with Magneto, the Robo-Ultimates attack Magneto.
Robo-Ultron: Surrender, Magneto. Or die. You pick.
Linkara (v/o): So, wait, if his plan was to make Magneto wage war on humankind, why the hell is he attacking Magneto?! Magneto tries to use a magnetic field on them, but the robots aren't made of anything metallic. So, what, that metallic-looking face on Robo-Hulk there is actually plastic? Or perhaps your mighty robot bodies are made of porcelain from all the bathrooms in Tony Stark's mansion. Thor comes back, because, well, he's Thor, and of course, the rest of the Ultimates come in, and we have a nice, big, two-page spread depicting a fight scene. Hmm, yeah, big, chaotic fight scene; I haven't seen that in the series yet.
Linkara: Hey, Robot Ultimates? You know what would be really useful right now? Bullets that could target someone's DNA! Don't you just wish you had some of those?
Linkara (v/o): So another two-page spread of disjointed panels as they fight robot versions of themselves. Well, sort of; Wolverine fights Robo-Hulk and makes an in-joke about a book that had serious delay issues.
Iron Man: (drunk as usual) I almost feel sorry for you. But then I'd be feeling sorry for myself.
Linkara: (as drunk Iron Man) And I only feel sorry for myself when I run out of liquor.
Robo-Ultron: I'd rather not kill you, Jan. My experimentation on your DNA has only begun. Besides... you're almost like a mother to me.
Real Utron: Then I guess that makes me-- (kills Robo-Ultron) --THE MOTHER (Beep!)ER!
Linkara: I don't think they're gonna let you call yourself that in the toy line.
Linkara (v/o): So, apparently, when Hank Pym killed Robo-Pym, that turned off all the other ones.
Hank Pym: He was like the server to all the others. When he crashed, he took down the mainframe.
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, that's right, keep pretending that you know what you're talking about. Wasp tells Magneto that there's no more need to fight or for revenge, since it was the robot that killed the Scarlet Witch and the robot is dead now. At the same time, Hawkeye decides to monologue for some reason.
Hawkeye: Maybe I am dead. And I'm just a ghost going through the motions. Y'know, one of those ghosts that's not gonna rest until... the job's done.
Linkara: Say it with me, everyone: (audience joins in as he says...) SHUT UP!!!
Linkara (v/o): Magneto refuses to believe that no human hands were a part of this, and Hawkeye just shoots him. However, Quicksilver runs into the path of Hawkeye's shot and he collapses.
Wasp: Hawkeye! What did you do?!
Quicksilver: The... job... Can I go die now?
Linkara: (irritably) Yes, kindly die now.
Linkara (v/o): Magneto takes the death of his son well.
Darth Vader: (audio from Revenge of the Sith) NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Linkara (v/o): Magneto uses his powers to raise his fortress up from the ground and higher than any of them can get to, given their current state. Later, Magneto talks to Pietro's body, swearing vengeance upon the world and wanting to know where the Scarlet Witch's body is so he can bury her as well. And Quicksilver sheds a single tear. Aw, almost makes you forget that he was boning his own sister because he apparently wanted his mommy. Creepy and stupid. There's a trite wrap-up with the Ultimates with no explanation given for Cap's little Black Panther masquerade and Wasp saying that Hank Pym is back on the team for his part in saving them all. Wolverine closes it out by saying he needs a beer.
Linkara: (drunken tone) I'll drink to that. 'Course, I'll drink to the Home Shopping Network, so that's nothing special.
Linkara (v/o): And so, our comic ends with the secret revelation of who really made the robots gain sentience...
(Cut to a shot of...)
Linkara (v/o): GRANNY GOODNESS!!
(A dramatic sting is heard, before abruptly cutting back to the Ultimates comic)
Linkara (v/o): Nah, just kidding, it was Doctor Doom, but really, would you have been surprised? This revelation comes as much out of left field as that one did.
Linkara: (closing comic and putting it down) Well, that was certainly an enjoyable experience, wasn't it? "Ultimates 3" wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was. I mean, really, what can one question about it? (takes in a deep breath)
Linkara (v/o): WHAT WAS THE POINT OF MAKING THE GOO LOOK LIKE VENOM?! WHY THE SEX TAPE SCANDAL?! IN FACT, WHAT SCANDAL WHATSOEVER?! IT'S ONLY MENTIONED IN LIKE TWO PAGES!! WHY WAS WOLVERINE EVEN IN THE STORY?! WHAT WAS THE POINT OF QUASAR'S FLASHBACK?! WHY DID CAPTAIN AMERICA DRESS UP LIKE THE BLACK PANTHER?! WHY IS TONY STARK STILL PINING FOR BLACK WIDOW WHEN HE WAS OVER HER AT THE END OF "ULTIMATES 2"?! WHY DID THEY LET HAWKEYE REMAIN ON THE TEAM WHEN HE'S CLEARLY UNBALANCED?! WHY WAS PIETRO A BIGGER THREAT, ACCORDING TO WOLVERINE?! WHY THE FLASHBACK TO WHEN LOGAN MET MAGDA?! WHY DID THE ROBOT ASSASSINATE WANDA WHEN IT WAS QUICKSILVER WHO DECLARED HIS LOVE?! HOW DID HANK PYM RECOVER FROM BEING DRUGGED?! WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE REVELATION OF WANDA'S REALITY-WARPING POWERS?! IF THE ROBOTS HAVE BULLETS THAT CAN TARGET SPECIFIC DNA, WHY DON'T THEY EVER USE THEM ANYWHERE ELSE?! WHY DID DOCTOR DOOM DO ANY OF THIS JUNK?!? DEAR GOD, THIS COMIC SUCKS!!!
Linkara: So, who do we have to blame for this mess? Was it Jeph Loeb, whose talents have waned in recent years? Was it Joe Madueira, whose artwork was ill-suited for this kind of book? Or was it the editors at Marvel who approved this garbage? Well, I think it's obvious whose fault "Ultimates 3" is... You. (points to screen) Yes, you, the audience of this show!
(Cut briefly to somebody walking up the stairs toward the room as "Kara Remembers" from Battlestar Galactica starts up)
Linkara: You sycophantic worms will buy anything dished out to you. They told you this garbage was gold, and you believed it. Just like if I had said something was good or bad, you'll believe me instantly.
(Meanwhile, whoever it is that's walking up the stairs has made it to the top and starts approaching the door)
Linkara: So go on, continue being the mindless, dreary-eyed, ugly bags of fat that I can call my fan–
Voice: I'M HOME!
(Linkara is stunned at that voice, and the door opens, revealing... another Linkara?)
Second Linkara: Whew, that vacation was just what I...
(Suddenly, he stops as he sees this other Linkara staring at him)
Second Linkara: (hushed) What the hell are you?!
(Suddenly the first Linkara smiles and laughs evilly; he then twists his head slightly, and the evil laughter suddenly sounds more robotic, and his eyes turn red! It's Mechakara!)
TO BE CONTINUED