Ultimates 3 #3 and 4
February 1, 2010
Ultimately tedious! Ultimately grating! Ultimately sex-crazed!
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. So, let's bring you guys up to speed on what happened last week...
(Shots of Linkara's review of "Ultimates 3 #1" and "2" are shown)
Linkara (v/o): (dramatically) Previously on the "Ultimates 3" review... (normal voice) Well, crap, it all happened. Venom attacked, which resulted in nothing, there was a sex tape scandal with Tony Stark, which resulted in nothing, and the Scarlet Witch got dead. That resulted in things, but they were stupid. Oh, and she and her brother were doing each other, lest ye forget.
Linkara: So, let's dig into (holds up comics of review for today) "Ultimates 3 #3" and "#4" to see how much worse things can get.
(AT4W title sequence plays; title card has "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from The Wizard of Oz playing over it; cut to the opening panel of the third issue, showing Wolverine's angry face)
Wolverine: The Scarlet Witch is dead.
Linkara: (offended) Fine, don't say hi!
Linkara (v/o): So, yeah, we open with Wolverine recapping the previous two issues, even though in the comic version, there was a recap page already right before the first page. However, he also claims that it was Quicksilver who called Magneto, which makes no flippin' sense because Quicksilver was surprised to see him! When they ask him how he knows this, he explains that the X-Men make Magneto their business.
Hawkeye: Didn't you used to belong to The Brotherhood?
Wolverine: Didn't you used to have a wife and two kids?
Linkara (v/o): To which Hawkeye starts shooting Wolverine.
Linkara: And while normally I might just take this as further evidence of Hawkeye being Wacko Jacko, and his comment was out of line, Wolverine was just... well, I've got to say, countering a statement of trust by bringing up a guy's dead family is just... dickish.
Linkara (v/o): It's not even a clever retort! He brings up that you used to be part of the people who attacked them, and then you suddenly show up again after they've attacked, and your first response is, "Yeah? Well, your family's dead!" Come on, Wolvey! The Ultimate Universe or not, I didn't think you were that much of an asshole!
Linkara: (as Hawkeye) How do we know we can trust you? (as Wolverine) Yeah, well, you've got AIDS! (Linkara, as Hawkeye, looks shocked; as Wolverine again) Yeah, pwned you real good, didn't I?
Wolverine: It'd be hard to aim at anything without a head.
Linkara: (holding up hand) Hey, whoa! This isn't anything to lose your head over! (as Ed McMahon) Hiyoooo!
Hawkeye: Do it then. I'm better off dead anyway.
Linkara (v/o): Of course, reverse psychology always works on Wolverine, and he retracts his claws. Wasp asks Hawkeye what the hell is wrong with him, and he just replies...
Hawkeye: (Beep!) off, Janet.
Captain America: Hey. Watch that language, mister.
Hawkeye: (Beep!) you, too.
Linkara (v/o): The guy is clearly suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, and he has a death wish. It makes perfect sense that they let him near the guns, doesn't it? Thor finally gets everyone to stop arguing with one another, and his continual acts of awesome make him the most likeable in this mess. Wolverine tells everyone that they don't have to worry about Magneto, but rather Quicksilver. The team is disbelieving, but they ask him what they really know about the two.
Wolverine: Do you even know why Pietro guarded Wanda so?
Linkara: Because he's a clingy psycho who was shacking up with his own sister?
Linkara (v/o): Wasp asks Wolverine what's in this for him, and he completely fails to answer that, instead just telling them they need to find out who killed the Scarlet Witch.
Wolverine: I do, too, because we're not talking about just any girl here. We're talking about Magneto's daughter. And she could've been mine.
Linkara: (holding up hand) Uh, wait, wait, wait, they're restarting a flashback about Wolverine's past? Give me a second. (gets up and leaves, then returns, holding a violin and bow; he puts it under his chin) You may continue.
Wolverine: (narrating) After the war, I drifted. There was no home or family to go back to, unlike most of the grunts.
Linkara: (as Wolverine) I hadn't developed my rage issues with adamantium yet.
Wolverine: (narrating) The Balkan Mountains isn't the kindest spot to take yourself during the winter. 'Specially when you're looking for a place that isn't on any map and most folks don't think exists...
Linkara: (as Wolverine, singing) Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high...
Linkara (v/o): No, actually, he's referring to Wundagore, a fictional location in the Marvel Universes that I know nothing about and is not expounded upon here, so it is therefore irrelevant.
Wolverine: (narrating) Sometimes what you want in life isn't what you need in life.
(Linkara rolls his eyes and sighs, then raises his index finger in the air, causing "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones to play briefly; Linkara sways his head to the music)
Wolverine: (narrating) She said her name was Magda. Years later I'd see how much she bore a striking resemblance to Wanda. And why wouldn't she? Magda was Wanda and Pietro's mother.
(A dramatic sting is heard as Linkara opens his mouth in shock, but then becomes confused)
Linkara: So... why is this important?
Linkara (v/o): He explains that he sought out the Witch of Wundagore in the hopes of ending his life because of the standard emo immortality BS about "not wanting to outlive his loved ones". What loved ones? You said a minute ago you had no friends or family. Instead, Magda decides to have sex with Wolvie. Sure, why not? Let's have boning in the flashbacks, too. (Magda's back is curving WAY inward!) So he says that– BY DIEHARD'S CROTCH!!
Linkara: (utterly horrified) GOOD GOD, WOMAN!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH YOUR SPINE?!?
Linkara (v/o): I mean, what the hell?! And if you don't see it, allow me to draw a diagram. (a diagram of a bone structure is drawn on Magda) Apparently the Witch of Wundagore is a professional contortionist!
(The comic resumes, showing Hawkeye shooting at Wolverine at point-blank range, but doing no damage)
Linkara (v/o): Okay, this is as good a spot as any to point this out. People asked me to comment more on the artwork last time, so... well, I've got nothing. I don't know, people. This was supposed to be Joe Madureira's big comeback after some big project went south or something, but... Ah, the faces look weird, and the guys look all beefy, kind of like if everyone was played by (?) Brown and Schwarzenegger, but I don't know what you want from me. I neither like nor dislike this art, but it's sure as hell jarring when compared to the previous two Ultimates volumes, but the coloring is what ruins it. Anyway, Magneto shows up, and it turns out that he and Magda were a couple already, so he shoves Wolverine out with a chamber pot.
Wolverine: I'd been cast down out of heaven... only to learn I could not find Wundagore ever again.
Linkara: (as Wolverine) Couldn't find my pants, either. And WHOA, let's not talk about shrinkage after getting tossed out into a snowy mountain after sex.
Linkara (v/o): Years later, he joined up with the Brotherhood of Mutants, and he met the Scarlet Witch for the first time.
Wolverine: (narrating) Eric either pretended not to -- or honestly didn't -- remember meeting me in Wundagore. It had happened so fast. Either that, or he knew what seeing his daughter would be like for me.
Linkara: Or maybe it was just a stupid retcon that was ultimately pointless to the story and really was just an excuse to draw silhouetted boobs.
Linkara (v/o): Seriously, what the hell was the point of him having met the Scarlet Witch's mom and screwing her?! WHAT WAS THE POINT?!? Anyway, in the flashback, Wolverine is instructed by Magneto to go and kill Quicksilver because he thinks he's weak.
Linkara: (as Wolverine) Look, I know he didn't get you that Rolex you wanted for Father's Day, but isn't this taking things a bit too far?
Linkara (v/o): Wolverine says he was just going to scare the kid so he could get away from Magneto, though in my humble opinion, one doesn't scare someone by STABBING THEM IN THE SHOULDER!! However, the Scarlet Witch's power suddenly flux [sic] up.
Wolverine: (narrating) It was right then and there I realized that Pietro wasn't protecting Wanda from the world-- He was protecting the world from Wanda!
Linkara (v/o): And she summons up a horde of DINOSAURS!
Linkara: Oh, my God! TWENTY DINOSAURS! Quick, someone call Neutro!
Linkara (v/o): So, thanks to the Jurassic retcon here, they say that the dinosaurs in the savage land... For non-comic readers, just think of the Lost World kind of place; secret area with dinosaurs and crap. ...were actually created by Wanda's powers to warp reality. Wolverine is chased off, and because this is a retcon, nobody ever talks about this again. Wanda's concerned that she can't control her powers since she didn't want to summon the dinosaurs and blah, blah, and Wolverine closes out his stupid flashback.
Wolverine: (narrating) Spurned by his father. Desperate for his mother... Pietro found in Wanda... a kind of love... that no one in this room can really understand...
Linkara: (nonplussed) Nor do I wish to, because it remains thoroughly creepy, and the Oedipus nonsense you tagged on there just made Freud's head spin in his grave!
Linkara (v/o): Back in the present, Wolverine suggests that considering Hawkeye's fear of the PR nightmare that could have resulted from any of the various things that seem to revolve around the Scarlet Witch, it's entirely possible that he killed her, fueling that red herring nonsense we had earlier. They decide to divide up into teams, with Cap and Iron Man staying in New York with Wasp, while Wolverine, Black Panther, Thor, Valkyrie and Hawkeye go to the Savage Land to get the Scarlet Witch's body back.
Linkara: Let me ask what may be a dumb question, but why the priority in getting her back? Sure, she was a member of the team and all, but she's dead, and her family has made it clear that they wish to hang onto her.
Linkara (v/o): You can't argue that they're all in danger of being assassinated, since anyone with technology to build a bullet that focuses in on someone's DNA could just do that for all of you. Yeah, I guess you could argue that they want to find out who's responsible, and they'll need to perform an autopsy for that, but why go on a commando raid for the body when you can just offer to work with Magneto on it since, as we'll see, he doesn't have the medical know-how in tech for this kind of investigation. Anyway, the Black Panther gets on the plane, and Wolverine wonders if that's really him. Puh-LOT point! Iron Man shows up and Wasp asks where he's been, since it's been a while since he carried off the Blob.
Iron Man: (Linkara has him sounding drunk) I went over to the crime scene. I found the bullet that killed Wanda. Sophistici... sophisti... Super mystified stuff. D.N.A.-specific. Designed to assassissassissinate the Scarlet Witch. And only the Scarlet Witch.
Wasp: Any idea on who makes something like that?
Iron Man: Yes. I do. It was made by Stark Industries.
(Linkara, as the drunk Iron Man, does an ad for "Stark Industries' Latest Magic Bullet!")
Linkara: And you can have your D.N.A.-specific bullet that only kills the Scarlet Witch (Overnight Delivery!) overnight to you for (the following pops up in the corner...) $29.95, plus shipping and handling!
Wasp: Someone at your company designed a bullet to kill the Scarlet Witch? Dammit. Who was it, Tony? Tony...?
Iron Man: (still drunk) Who said anything about me being Tony?
Linkara: (as drunk Iron Man) Yeah, I'm a robot, but I can still drink whenever I want.
Linkara (v/o): And Robo-Stark blasts Wasp unconscious. Okay, time for me to be fair to this thing. This is a great plot twist and very well set up. Now, the comic and the story still suck on toast, but if this had been a good comic, definite kudos would have been necessary. The robots are everywhere in the background of this comic, helping out, planting things, fixing things. We see the occasional shot of just a robot head or two. Now, the actual explanation for all this won't come until issue 5, but I definitely thought this would have been a very well done plot twist a good book. Now, back to Moronville as Wolverine tells Black Panther that he's onto him, but doesn't know what the hell he's doing.
Linkara: And when you find out about what that is, you'll be asking the exact same thing!
Linkara (v/o): And so, issue 3 ends with the team meeting up with Shanna the She-Devil and Yor, Warrior from the Future. Nah, I'm kidding, it's Marvel's jungle man, Quasar.
(The fourth issue's first page is shown)
Linkara (v/o): Issue 4 opens with a flashback showing Magneto and Charles Xavier.
Linkara: And knowing the Ultimates, I'm quite surprised that they aren't having sex yet.
Linkara (v/o): So the plane crashes in the Savage Land and the flashback concludes with the villagers meeting Magneto and company. Quasar explains that after Magneto brought in more mutants to the Savage Land, they started killing the villagers, so they're more than happy to help fight Magneto. Also, Thor brought along his awesome arsenal. Since Thor is badass, he even brings our psychotic pal Hawkeye out of his funk for a bit to talk about weapons. Back at the mansion, Robo-Stark continues to talk about how awesome the robot holocaust will be.
Iron Man: (still drunk) You should be excited, Jan. Imagine a world where there is no disease. No famine. No war.
Linkara: (as drunk Iron Man) But plenty of booze. I won't live in a world without booze.
Linkara (v/o): Sadly, Bender the Robot's ancestor gets smacked in the face by Captain America's shield.
Captain America: You forgot-- No freedom.
Linkara: (as drunk Iron Man) Hey, who needs freedom when you got a happy hour?
Captain America: (to Wasp) Come with me if you want to live.
Linkara (v/o): Heh, cute. However, it turns out that Captain America was a robot, too. Huh. Captain America was a robot. Who knew? Well, I guess the implication we see here is that Hank Pym was piloting the Captain America robot before he melts into green jello for some reason. Wasn't Pym near comatose last issue? I guess they got the Tic Tac out of his throat. Hank tells the Wasp that there's a conspiracy at work and it might be his fault. Back in the Savage Land, Hawkeye shoots stuff, Sabretooth fights a tiger, and, oh, the Juggernaut shows up.
(Cut to a clip of the Juggernaut from X-Men: The Last Stand)
Juggernaut: I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!
(Back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Of course you are. Actually, what makes me giggle is that the Juggernaut's outfit in the Ultimate Universe, while possessing this cool Cylon, Red-Eye thing, just makes me think he's actually a member of the Neptune Men.
(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching Invasion of the Neptune Men)
Servo and Crow: (in unison, as the Neptune Men) Ha-ha-ha-ha. Your costume is ridiculous.
(Back once more to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Valkyrie also has a Pegasus apparently. Don't know where the hell she got that. However, she apparently sees fire or something and falls off. She wakes up back in the skimpy costume back in "Ultimates 2", and her nose is blushing in this panel for some reason. This is actually an illusion caused by the psychic mutant Mastermind. Pyro is also with him and thinks they should rape her. So, why was she not with the others again? Oh, but wait, it's time for Thor to be awesome!
Mastermind: It doesn't matter who you bring, Thor. This place is untouchable.
Thor: You stand against a god, Unus. And you are but a mortal. A thing of mere FLESH and BLOOD!
Linkara: Aaaaand his awesomeness decreases after killing the guy, but then again, he's still leagues above the rest of the rest of the super losers.
Linkara (v/o): Magneto shows up and offers them a chance to surrender, but Thor, badass that he is, says "Nuts to that" and charges at Magneto. However, because apparently iron was used in the construction of mjolnir, he is able to bring Thor down. Quicksilver stops in to report that Wanda's body is safe and that the Ultimates won't stop coming for her. So friggin' let them help, idiots! Back at the mansion, Hank Pym tells Wasp about when she revealed to him that she was a mutant so she'll know it's really him. They spy on the robot heroes for a bit as they bring the new Robo-Stark online.
Iron Man: (yep, still drunk) Thanks. I could use a drink. Any vodka down here?
Linkara: And that was just in case you thought I was being facetious and having the robot still have the drunk voice.
Linkara (v/o): And so, our comic ends with the lead robot proclaiming...
Lead Robot: They think of us as toasters-- alarm clocks-- and vibrators.
Linkara: Yeah, I'm sure the machine uprising will start with the vibrators turning against us.
Lead Robot: But when the war between man and mutant is settled-- and most of the human population is dead, only then will they realize-- the MACHINES have already won.
Text: NEXT: THE SHOCKING CONCLUSION: ROBOTS IN DISGUISE!
Linkara: Oh, neato! They're Transformers, too? (closes comic and holds it up as well as the last one) These comics suck! The plot moves along at the pace of a race car, with no chance of us to settle down and wonder what the hell is going on, the colors are still a mess, and it's full of padding! And it's only gonna get stupider in the finale next week!
TO BE CONTINUED
(End credits roll)
Yeah, Wolverine really contributed a lot to this. I can see why they decided to add him into this series.