Editing Ultimate Warrior's Workout

{{Infobox|Box title = Ultimate Warrior's Workout|Image file = Ultimate warrior workout at4w.jpg|Image size = 320|Row 1 title = Released|Row 1 info = May 9, 2011|Row 2 title = Running time|Row 2 info = 25:28|Row 3 title = Previous review|Row 3 info = [[Superman Meets the Quik Bunny]]|Row 4 title = Next review|Row 4 info = [[Ultimatum 1-2]]|Row 5 title = Tagline|Row 5 info = Are you ready get foked on the Ultimate Warrior's training techniques?|Row 6 title = Link|Row 6 info = http://atopthefourthwall.com/ultimate-warriors-workout/}}'''Linkara:''' Hello, and welcome to ''[[Atop the Fourth Wall]]'', where bad comics burn.

''(Cut to wrestler Jim Hellwig, AKA the Ultimate Warrior)''

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' COME ON IN, WHERE NIGHTMARES ARE THE BEST PART OF MY DAY!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Oh, Jim Hellwig, the Ultimate Warrior, you are a big pile of what-the-hell that always brings entertainment.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' ''(holding up a Intercontinental Heavyweight Wrestling Champion belt)'' WITH OR WITHOUT THE FACE PAINT, I AM THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' On the very slim chance that this is the first of my videos that you just happened to click on and haven't seen the previous reviews, allow me to explain. Jim Hellwig is a former professional wrestler who became most famous in the '90s as the Ultimate Warrior in the World Wrestling Federation.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' NORMAL PEOPLE, THE PEOPLE THAT WALK THE STREETS EVERY DAY, WE CANNOT UNDERSTAND!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Now, I'm not a fan of professional wrestling, so there's plenty I don't know about him, but from what I can gather, he was known as a wrestler with a great image, but his actual wrestling talents were limited.

''(Cut to a shot of a comic about the Ultimate Warrior ''by'' the Ultimate Warrior)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' In 1996, he wrote a comic book of four issues, plus a Christmas special, which basically consisted of a lot of pinup shots from various artists, more than a few of them on the disturbing side. The comics were incomprehensible, pseudo-philosophical pieces of crap that contain some of the worst artwork I'd ever seen. The funny thing, though, is that the writing actually reflected the Ultimate Warrior's wrestling promos, wherein he yelled about nothing and looked around himself as if he was a cat distracted by a laser pointer.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' SHOULD I JUMP OFF THE TALLEST BUILDING IN THE WORLD? SHOULD I LAY IN THE LAWN AND LET IT RUN OVER ME WITH LAWNMOWERS? IN MY FINAL MEETING WITH THE GODS FROM THE HEAVENS ABOVE, AS THEY SPOKE TO ME AND HIT ME WITH THEIR POWER OF THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR... LOAD THE SPACESHIP WITH THE ROCKET FUEL, LOADED WITH THE WORST...

''(Cut to a shot of today's comic "Ultimate Warrior's Workout")''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' However, unlike the regular Warrior comics, this one was not written by the Warrior himself. No, this one is part of Valiant Comics' Illustrated Action Books series.

'''Linkara:''' And I bet the comic fans in my audience never would have thought that this was how I'd introduce Valiant Comics to the masses.

''(Cut to shots of various comics by Valiant)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Valiant was a company in the early 1990s that was actually doing surprisingly well when it began, pretty much coming in at number three or number four in terms of success, depending on who you ask, against Marvel, DC and Image. The company boasted a collection of superheroes that mixed reimaginings of Gold Key characters alongside new characters created specifically for the company. Just to show you comparative numbers, especially given how the industry has changed since the '90s, the first issue of "Turok: Dinosaur Hunter" sold over 1.75 million copies in July of 1993. The highest-selling book in March of 2011 was "FF #1", with about 114,000 copies.

'''Linkara:''' What I find just so amusing about that statistic is that I wasn't really a comic book fan in the early '90s, yet it was during that time comics were at the height of their popularity.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Which brings me to why I've never reviewed any Valiant comics until this point. Valiant was sold to Acclaim. Yes, the now-defunct video game company, Acclaim. As sales declined, they refocused the company towards properties that could be later turned into video games and over time eventually shut down its comic division. Valiant tends to be remembered fondly, with great characters and stories &ndash; and I have never read any of them. As I've said before, I started actually reading and buying comics regularly in 1999 and 2000, and when I started, I was mostly focusing on the Titans and didn't look into a lot of other material. So yeah, not many people have given me recommendations for bad Valiant books, and would prefer I talk about the good stuff that I have never read.

'''Linkara:''' But hey, I'm sure they can deliver on a book about the Ultimate Warrior with the same quality they're known for, right? ''(beat, then holds up today's comic)'' Yeah, let's just dig into "Ultimate Warrior's Workout".

''(''AT4W'' title sequence plays; title card has the "Ultimate Warrior Theme" by Jim Johnston playing in the background; cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Our cover is basic: the Ultimate Warrior lifting heavy weights over his head while his mouth is open, like he's roaring about the spaceship. Actually, what makes me tilt my head is the background, not that it's just a single color with the Warrior's facepaint symbol, but rather that it's ''pink'', because when I think "the Ultimate Warrior", I think ''pink!'' Actually, another interesting thing is that while it's technically called "Ultimate Warrior's Workout", we have the old logo for the World Wrestling Federation up top, which isn't used anymore because the abbreviation WWF belongs to the World Wide Fund for Nature.

'''Linkara:''' However, since I've always associated WWF for most of my life with wrestling, now I just have this mental image of bodybuilders breaking into corporate meetings to body-slam oil tycoons.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' We open to the Ultimate Warrior lifting weights while an old guy nearby breaks the fourth wall to us.

'''Old guy:''' Ever wondered how the ''Ultimate Warrior'' performs his incredible feats of strength? Well, this is your lucky day, because...

''(The Ultimate Warrior's dialogue is written in all caps, to simulate his lack of indoor voice, which Linkara uses when speaking in his voice throughout the comic)''

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' TODAY, I'VE DECIDED TO REVEAL TO YOU, MY ULTIMATE FANS, MY SPECIAL, ''SECRET TRAINING TECHNIQUES''.

'''Linkara:''' And if some accounts are to be believed, then that secret technique was ''steroids''.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' It is the way of the Warrior to be the ''best!'' The ''ultimate!''

'''Linkara:''' Logically, doesn't that mean that every single person you're giving advice to is going to attempt to be the best? And then one has to defeat all the others. Thus, only ''one'' of the people reading this will actually ''be'' the best?

'''Linkara (v/o):''' The Warrior describes how being the ultimate allowed him to defeat the Macho King, Randy Savage. Truth be told, I think in reality, he just hid the [[Conquest_of_the_Commercials#Slim_Jim|Slim Jims]] from him. In the audience, a woman named Queen Sherri is upset that the Warrior won that match. But enough of that setup; let's instead see if the Warrior will actually tell us what the hell his "technique" is, exactly.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' TO BE THE BEST, I MUST HONE MY BODY TO THE PINNACLE OF HUMAN POTENTIAL! IT BEGINS ''HERE''. ''COME!'' WITNESS WHAT HAS NEVER BEFORE BEEN REVEALED!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' And what is it that has never before been revealed? That he usually doesn't train with barbells or dumbbells, but rather, a bulky stone shaped like a person because the weight is massive, bulky, unbalanced and hard to grip, the logic being that if he's capable of lifting ''that'', he can lift ''anyone'' or ''anything''.

'''Linkara:''' So... the secret is lifting heavy things.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' I...AM...THE ''ULTIMATE! ULTIMATE!''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' And good move, pal; now you've smashed your only unbalanced human-shaped stone. Now you need to go get a new one.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' NOW, DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME, KIDS...

'''Linkara:''' I'm getting mixed messages here, Warrior. Do you ''want'' them to train to be the best, or do you want them to half-ass it by ''not'' lifting the big, bulky stone?

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' STRENGTH IS THE FOUNDATION OF THE WARRIOR'S ULTIMATE POWER, BUT STRENGTH ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Of course it isn't. They also need the Eight Disciplines of Destrucity. You've already taught us that part. He goes into... uh, a football field? What, did he rent the thing for the day? He explains that endurance is also important and demonstrates by... grabbing cement blocks and throwing them towards the goalpost. Furthermore, one of them clearly hits the goalpost and breaks it. And then he throws some more, smashing up chairs in the audience. Yeah, let's see how well your ''wallet'' endures, Warrior. Actually, it might be worse than that. Look at those! Clearly, the cement blocks are packed with some kind of explosive! In another area of seats, Queen Sherri grumbles to a little kid about how he seems to get stronger every minute. And then the Warrior&ndash; ''HOLY CRAP!!'' HE BLOWS UP THE JUMBOTRON!!

'''Linkara:''' Sweet merciful crap! ''THAT'S'' what you're teaching kids?! Throw heavy objects all around them and ''that'' makes them "ultimate"?!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Neither Queen Sherri nor the kid are upset over this, but rather, the kid is amazed and Sherri's just pissed because she doesn't know where the Warrior's power comes from.

'''Queen Sherri:''' It's not just exercise. ''Everybody'' exercises.

''(Linkara looks down at himself, left and right, and, feeling embarrassed, puts the comic down)''

'''Linkara:''' I'll be right back, I've got to go hit the gym. ''(gets up and leaves)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' The next step in the Warrior's training regimen for us is, speed and agility.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' SPEED IS A ''WEAPON''...

'''Linkara:''' And here I thought speed was distance over time. ''(a rimshot plays)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' The Warrior demonstrates that speed is very effective in the ring since sheer size and bulk aren't useful if the opponent is able to dodge and outmaneuver them. I admit, some of this has been legitimately good advice which can be implemented not just for wrestling, but for martial arts or other similar activities. Now, however, is where we get to a bit more of the goofy.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' TO BUILD ''QUICKNESS''--THE ABILITY TO MOVE QUICKLY AND CHANGE DIRECTION SUDDENLY--TAKES SPECIAL TRAINING.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Aaaand old guy releases a whole bunch of logs that roll down a hill towards the Ultimate Warrior. Yyyyyeah, forcing a whole bunch of logs down at you doesn't build anything. In fact, it does the opposite: CRUSHING YOUR BODY INTO PASTE. But no, the Warrior is basically a superhero wherever he is, so he nimbly dodges the logs as they come down at him.

'''Linkara:''' So far, the lessons of the Ultimate Warrior consist of "lift objects not meant to be lifted", "destroy property that does not belong to you", and "risk your life recklessly". ''(looks up as a thought comes to him)'' Maybe this whole thing is actually a way of weeding out potential competition for the future.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' The kid who was with Sherri runs up to the Warrior.

'''Kid:''' It's my aunt! She was on her way to the doctor's office...but she's ''fallen''... and she can't get up!

'''Linkara:''' And that was just in case you needed to be reminded of what decade this comic came out in.

'''Kid:''' There she is! Can you help her?

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' OF COURSE. I WILL CARRY HER TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

''(Cut to a clip of ''[[Star Wars: Return of the Jedi]]'', showing...)''

'''Admiral Ackbar:''' It's a trap!

''(Back to the comic again)''

'''Linakra (v/o):''' Yes, it turns out the aunt who collapsed was Queen Sherri, who tells him that she's old and frail at the age of 37. He's confused by this, since, well, she's 37; she should be fine.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' EXERCISE, PROPER NUTRITION...

'''Queen Sherri:''' But I eat properly, I lift weights, I throw bricks, I run--not through log avalanches, mind you--but nothing helps. What am I ''missing?'' What is the true ''secret'' of ultimate supremacy?

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' THE ''SECRET''...? ONLY FROM WITHIN, FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE SPIRIT CAN TRUE ULTIMATE SUPREMACY ARISE. KNOW YOURSELF, ''BE'' YOURSELF, AND YOU CAN DO ''ANYTHING!''

'''Linkara:''' The reason I showed pretty much all of that scene was because I wanted to show fairly complete evidence that, well, the Warrior is a moron.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' First of all, Queen Sherri clearly was hanging out at the ring during his bout with Randy Savage that we saw. Considering the face paint on this woman, it's obvious she has a unique look, and she's probably around ringside or at events fairly often, meaning HE SHOULD RECOGNIZE HER ''INSTANTLY!'' Sure, maybe not her name if he never associated with her, but if she's hanging out with the Macho King, I imagine he's seen her before and the napkin on her head isn't hiding anything. Secondly, if she already knows the details you've been going through with your training, then maybe she's been stalking you, and when she directly asks you like that, chances are, she wants your secrets! And finally, the thing that really proves the sheer ineptitude of the Warrior: he just said that he would take her to a hospital! SO WHY THE HELL ARE THEY CLEARLY INSIDE OF A HOTEL?! Or did he think that hospitals now have ''bellhops??'' Sherri explains to the kid the true meaning of his words.

'''Queen Sherri:''' It's the ''psyche'', you little rodent! As long as he ''believes'' he's invincible, he ''is!''

'''Linkara:''' I'm confused, confidence is a placebo?

'''Queen Sherri:''' All we've got to do is destroy his belief in himself and we've destroyed ''him!''

''(Cut to a clip of ''Patton'')''

'''Major Gen. Omar Bradley (Karl Malden):''' ''(to Patton)'' If you defeat Rommel's plan, you will have defeated Rommel.

''(Back to the comic again)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' I love this! She thinks the way to destroy the Warrior is to make him feel bad about himself. Anyway, we cut to a cliff near an ocean, where the old guy wants to put Warrior in a safety harness, but he refuses.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' THIS IS MAN ALONE AGAINST THE ELEMENTS.

'''Linkara:''' No, that's man doing a Leonardo-DiCaprio-in-''Titanic'' impression.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Actually, Warrior instead decides to prove just how fully stupid he is by jumping into the rocky, shallow edge of the cliff, then pull himself up, position himself between two rocks, and let a huge wave of water come at him.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' IF I CAN WITHSTAND THE POUNDING OF THE RAGING ''OCEAN''... THEN WHAT MAN CAN HARM ME?

'''Linkara:''' ''(as the old man)'' Warrior, are you sure you don't like the safety harness?

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' ''(calling out from offscreen)'' ABSOLUTELY! MY POWER IS ABSOLUTE! ''(the sound of an ocean wave is heard, as Linkara as the old man becomes worried)'' THE POWER OF THE WARRIOR CAN WITHSTAND THE HARSHEST OF&ndash; ''(Linkara cringes as the Warrior is heard making gargling noises as the ocean hits him)'' OH, CRAP, OH, CRAP, I DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH! ''(Linkara looks around awkwardly)'' I CAN'T SWIIIIIIM!

''(The comic resumes)''

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' ''(narrating)'' IN THE RING...OR OUTSIDE OF IT, THERE IS NO QUARTER ASKED, AND NONE GIVEN.

'''Linkara:''' Yes, even outside the ring, in the ordinary world, you must expect that wrestlers will come up behind you and hit you in the back with a chair!

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' ''(narrating)'' A WARRIOR MUST ''ENDURE'' PUNISHMENT AND PAIN... WITHSTAND THE WORST HIS OPPONENTS CAN DISH OUT... AND THEN MAKE THEM ''PAY!''

'''Linkara:''' Ah, another wonderful lesson for the kids: revenge!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' From a distance further down from the coastline, Sherri is watching the Warrior get hit by the waves. She takes the kid over to her chauffeur, and they go to the Ultimate Warrior's gym, hoping to sabotage something and demoralize him. They break in and discover a table covered in a bunch of junk. The plan is to... uh, loosen some nuts on the table base?

'''Queen Sherri:''' He'll be shattered--! Totalled--! Left in ''total despair--!'' I love it.

'''Linkara:''' What, are you gonna make him think he did a shoddy job installing that table? What exactly is this plan?

'''Linkara (v/o):''' The two leave, though the kid doesn't think this seems fair. He leaves a wrench on the ground deliberately so they'll know they were there. The Warrior returns to the gym.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' TODAY'S WORKOUT IS ALMOST COMPLETE. THERE IS ONE MORE TEST FOR THE WARRIOR TO CONQUER... THE ULTIMATE TEST.

'''Linkara:''' Who is he talking to? It can't be the old guy, since he'll often talk despite the old guy being away doing something else. This doesn't seem like a specialty recording, since we never see any camera equipment or anything. Is he just insane?

''(Cut to a shot of the Warrior in one of his videos; he nods his head rapidly)''

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' YOU CAN FEEL IT, TOO! YOU CAN FEEL IT!

''(Cut back to the comic)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' I mean, yeah, that was obvious before, but in the context of the comic, I mean; is he supposed to be nuts? Oh, looky, he's ripping his own sink out of the wall. Yeah, he's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Actually, he explains that this is the final part of the training: he lifts a weight greater than he's ever lifted before, taking an object, and placing it on that table.

'''Linkara:''' So naturally, his first instinct was to rip out the sink and put it on that table! ''(nods, then scowls)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' He attempts to lift the table, but actually, what the kid did was bolt the table to the floor, making him think he can't lift it. Wait, how did Queen Sherri know that that's what he did with the table?

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' THE SPIRIT...HAS LEFT ME. I HAVE...FAILED!

'''Linkara (v/o):''' He throws a temper tantrum at this instead of just considering that, you know, he just spent the afternoon ''getting hit in the face by tidal waves and might need a breather''. However, they quickly discover the wrench and quickly realize they've been tricked.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' NOTHING ANGERS THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR LIKE ''TREACHERY--!'' AND WHEN THE WRATH OF THE WARRIOR RISES... ''NOTHING CAN RESIST MY ULTIMATE POWER!''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Oh, yeah, and then he proceeds to throw the ''entire table'' through a wall, no doubt injuring innocent bystanders and creating more property damage that he must now repair. And so, the story ends with the old guy recommending that one ''not'' destroy their training area. No crap.

''(Cut to another Ultimate Warrior story. There was more than one, apparently)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' There's actually a second story here, and a lot more of a straightforward one than the purported training one, but equally as goofy. We open to a wrestler named Ben Bradford winning the wrestling championship at his local gym. As a special guest for the event, the Ultimate Warrior is there to present a trophy. However, when the Warrior gives him the trophy, Ben attacks him! But naturally, the Warrior, possessing superhuman strength, just tosses him out of the ring and tells him to try fighting him again when he's developed more as a warrior. Ben goes to his brother named Lewis. Heh. Lewis is in a wheelchair, and Ben says that he screwed up.

'''Ben:''' The Ultimate Warrior beat me without even trying! How will I ever get enough cash to pay for your therapy? I'll ''never'' get a WWF contract ''now''.

'''Linkara:''' ''(as Ben)'' Well, attacking him completely out of nowhere didn't work. ''(looks up in thought)'' Maybe I should try to shoot him...

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Lewis is also an artist who keeps drawing his brother's wrestling. The Warrior overhears and comes in closer.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' BEN BRADFORD, YOU SEEK TO WALK AMONG ''GIANTS''. YOU HUNGER FOR GREATNESS. BUT GREATNESS MUST BE EARNED.

'''Ben:''' H-Huh?

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' FOR THE NEXT THIRTY DAYS, I WILL MEET YOU HERE AND WE WILL TRAIN TOGETHER. IF YOU SURVIVE THE ULTIMATE WORKOUT, YOU WILL GAIN THE STRENGTH TO FOLLOW YOUR HEART WHEREVER IT LEADS.

'''Linkara:''' ''(as the Warrior)'' OH, AND BRING YOUR CEMENT BLOCKS. I KIND OF RAN OUT OF MY OWN.

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Thus begins a montage of them training. And it's exactly what you'd expect of the Warrior's workout: unreasonable, unrealistic and full of property damage. He has to do 3,000 sit-ups, spin a medicine ball on his fingers like a basketball, and crush weights together like they were made of tinfoil. On top of that, the Warrior lifts up the ''entire'' weightlifting machine, ''and'' Ben, without difficulty. After some time has passed, his body is in great shape, but now, the Warrior has to teach him to be a better wrestler. ''(laughs)'' Oh, that's a good one.

'''Narrator:''' Over the next few days, the Ultimate Warrior continues to tutor Ben...

'''Linkara (v/o):''' And by "tutor", he means "snap his neck"! Somehow he survives that and just keeps getting whaled on.

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' YOU HAVE WORKED HARD. YOU HAVE MASTERED THE MOVES I'VE TAUGHT YOU, BUT YOU DO NOT SEEM TO FEEL THE WARRIOR'S DRIVE, OR ''SPIRIT''.

'''Linkara:''' ''(as the Warrior)'' YOU STILL HAVE NOT HAD A DOZEN TREE LOGS COME DOWN AT YOU. THIS DISPLEASES THE WARRIOR! ''(skronk)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' ''(seeing a middle-aged guy reading a book called "Guns and More Guns")'' Hey, check it out, [[90's Kid|90s Kid]] in fifty years.

''(Cut to 90s Kid)''

'''90s Kid:''' Cha! As if, dude. I already read that book, like, a bajillion times. Oh, and in case you're wondering, my favorite part of it was the part with the GUUUUNS! ''(pretends to hold up a gun and shoot it)''

'''Linkara (v/o):''' Naturally, the two start beating up the Warrior when they've got him in the hold, and their disguises come off. To make a long story short, Warrior beats up both of them while Ben gets his ass handed to him. Ben realizes that the world of wrestling isn't right for him since, well, he sucks at it. Instead, he goes into bodybuilding and wins enough money to get Lewis' therapy. And so, our comic ends with the message of following your heart. And of course, nobody calls the police on the two guys who assaulted the Ultimate Warrior, no doubt attempting to kill him.

''(Cut back to the ''MST3K'' gang still watching ''Phantom of Krankor'')''

'''Crow:''' See? You ''are'' scum!

'''Linkara:''' ''(holds up comic)'' This comic sucks. If this was meant to be a serious effort to teach techniques for training to be a wrestler, then it fails miserably because of how over-the-top ''stupid'' the ideas are. If this was just meant to be goofy fun... well, nothing was accomplished, and it just makes the Warrior look like a complete muscle-head with bogus philosophy that he never actually explains in greater detail. For that, of course, you need the ''actual'' Warrior comics. ''(suddenly, his wrist communicator beeps)'' Oh, hey, someone's calling.

''(He looks at his communicator. Cut to [[Dr. Insano]])''

'''Dr. Insano:''' Hello? Is this thing on? This is Dr. Insano calling Linkara. Come in.

''(The next bit alternates between Linkara and Insano)''

'''Linkara:''' ''(into his communicator)'' Oh, hey, Dr. Insano! I haven't heard from you in ages.

'''Dr. Insano:''' Okay, look, I know we're mortal enemies and everything, but I...

'''Linkara:''' Yeah, well, you've been quiet for a while. Oh! Hey, did you ever figure out that it was me who stole Neutro?

'''Dr. Insano:''' Look, that's not important right now&ndash; Wait, ''you'' stole Neutro?! ''(shakes fist)'' Why, I should... ''(hesitates)'' Doesn't matter. Listen to me, Linkara, the kimchi's about to hit the fan with Hypertime, and I need you to come to Chicago to deal with it.

'''Linkara:''' Again? Well, I suppose people can wait a bit longer for [[Ultimatum 1-2|the]] [[Ultimatum 3-4|"Ultimatum"]] [[Ultimatum 5|review]]. I mean, they waited this long.

'''Dr. Insano:''' ''(waving dismissively)'' No, no, that's not necessary. With the screwy nature of Hypertime, chances are you'd probably come back before you left anyway.

''(In the hallway, a second Linkara comes in, humming softly. He spots Linkara)''

'''Second Linkara:''' Oh, oh, sorry I'm early.

'''Linkara:''' ''(waving)'' Oh, hey, me. How was Chicago?

'''Second Linkara:''' ''(shrugs)'' Eh, could've been better. Oh, that reminds me. ''(tosses Linkara a CD-ROM)'' You're gonna need this.

'''Linkara:''' ''(catching CD and looking at it with confusion)'' The hell? ''(reads)'' "Bimbos B.C."?

'''Second Linkara:''' Don't ask, just go.

''(Linkara shrugs and leaves, allowing the second Linkara to take his place)''

'''Second Linkara:''' ''(adjusting his wrist communicator)'' Ah, pre-opening channel to Dr. Insano... ''(looks up)'' Oh, uh, yeah. Next week, you people asked for it and I shall deliver. Next week is "Ultimatum"!

'''Dr. Insano:''' Assuming there ''is'' a next week, paradox boy. ''(leaves, as a dramatic sting plays)''

''(End credits roll to the "Ultimate Warrior Theme" by Jim Johnston)''

''In 2007, a new company for Valiant rose up and reacquired the rights to most of the characters, though their website hasn't been updated since 2008.''

''Try the Ultimate Warrior's workout and if it doesn't make you into a better wrestler in 30 days... then that probably means you got crushed to death or arrested for destruction of public property.''

''(Stinger: The Ultimate Warrior is seen with several cigarettes in his mouth, which he takes out)''

'''Ultimate Warrior:''' THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR HAS A LOT OF BAD HABITS. THERE'S OTHER WAYS THAT HELP ME SURVIVE. DON'T DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF THE FULL POWER. BE A SURVIVOR! DON'T SMOKE!

''(end)''

{{AT4W}}
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@@ Line 229: / Line 229: @@
 ''(Cut to 90s Kid)''
-'''90s Kid:''' Cha! As if, dude! I already read that book, like, a bajillion times. Oh, and in case you're wondering, my favorite part of it was the part with the GUUUUNS! ''(pretends to hold up a gun and shoot it)''
+'''90s Kid:''' Cha! As if, dude. I already read that book, like, a bajillion times. Oh, and in case you're wondering, my favorite part of it was the part with the GUUUUNS! ''(pretends to hold up a gun and shoot it)''
-'''Linkara (v/o):''' Ben is worried that he'll never truly learn enough to be a professional wrestler, but his brother assures him he'll be fine. We then cut to some of the goofiest ideas for wrestlers I've ever seen. Now, like I said, the only thing I really ''know'' about this stuff is from watching the documentary, ''The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior''. But here, we meet two particular wrestlers, Sergeant Slaughter and General Adnan. Basically, their shtick is that they supported Iraq during the First Gulf War. Admittedly, it does make me want to see them get their asses kicked, but now, since the characters and wrestling are real now in this comic, the two are now actual military guys planning the destruction of the Ultimate Warrior. And yet... they're... still allowed to... wrestle? Why would they even wrestle...? Ah, who cares? Aging 90s Kid was their spy, who tells them about Warrior training a new partner.
-'''Sgt. Slaughter:''' Ultimate Warrior has a new ''ally??''
-'''Linkara:''' Hey, Sergeant, are you sure your name isn't Krankor?
-''(Cut to a clip of the ''Mystery Science Theater 3000'' gang watching ''Phantom of Krankor'')''
-'''Krankor:''' I've got you now, you scum!
-''(Back to the comic again)''
-'''Linkara (v/o):''' The next day, Warrior is teaching Ben how to escape from a hold when the two enemies appear wearing sunglasses and fake beards.
-'''Sgt. Slaughter:''' ''(Iraqi accent)'' Maybe ''you'' should demonstrate, Ultimate Warrior. I'll be glad to help!
-'''Ultimate Warrior:''' YES, YOU ARE RIGHT, STRANGER.
-'''Linkara:''' ''(as Warrior)'' YES, COME HELP ME, MYSTERIOUS STRANGERS WHO ARE WEARING IRAQI MILITARY UNIFORMS AND LOOK PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY LIKE WRESTLERS I'VE ENCOUNTERED BEFORE. ''(pumps his arms) NOTHING CAN GO WRONG WITH THIS IDEA!''
 '''Linkara (v/o):''' Naturally, the two start beating up the Warrior when they've got him in the hold, and their disguises come off. To make a long story short, Warrior beats up both of them while Ben gets his ass handed to him. Ben realizes that the world of wrestling isn't right for him since, well, he sucks at it. Instead, he goes into bodybuilding and wins enough money to get Lewis' therapy. And so, our comic ends with the message of following your heart. And of course, nobody calls the police on the two guys who assaulted the Ultimate Warrior, no doubt attempting to kill him.