Linkara:(wearing a cowboy hat and speaking in a cowboy drawl) Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. I reckon it's time for truckin' again. I'm just sorry I'm not wearing my trucker headband.
Linkara (v/o): Ulysses Solomon Archer, AKA U.S. 1, was challenged by Baron Von Blimp, an agent of the demonic Highwayman, to a race. Naturally, with a name like Von Blimp, you shouldn't be surprised that his vehicle was... a biplane. Nah, I'm kidding. He had his own dirigible, which he used to try to kill U.S., but we got to see U.S. actually intelligent and plan ahead, creating new technology to prepare himself for the battle, making his already ludicrous rig into a full-fledged battle wagon, with surface-to-air missiles, radar tracking technology, and even use his CB skull to hack into radio transmissions. Also, chickens were involved somewhere in there.
Linkara: So let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "US-1 #5" and see what sort of ridiculousness we have in store for us this time.
(AT4W title sequence plays, and title card has "Uptown Funk" by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars playing in the background. Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)
Linkara (v/o): Nothing like seeing a comic from the '80s to make you really appreciate classic cover design that actually informs you of what's going on in a comic. Don't get me wrong, this cover is not the most spectacular thing ever, but it tells you exactly what to expect in this: a giant maze that U.S. 1 will have to traverse that features glaciers, tornadoes and volcanoes. It's not just the characters' posing or something; it actually tells you what to expect in this comic.
Text: FACING THE MAZE!
Linkara (v/o): Yyyyeah, and speaking of facing the maze, is the truck falling into the maze? Because it's at a weird angle and I'm pretty sure his rig can't fly.
Linkara: Yet, anyway. I know, it's coming up eventually. We haven't reached peak insanity for this series yet.
Linkara (v/o): We open on Baron Von Blimp's dirigible floating over the North Atlantic shortly after the last issue... and apparently flying higher than a passenger jet. I would critique this fact, since blimps, while capable of rising up to 10,000 feet, normally would not do so, since it would mean releasing so much fuel that the return trip down would be a lot bumpier, so it's usually more than 2,000 to 3,000 feet. But, this is comic book science, in a book where a guy can control a truck with a silver dollar, so really, this is the least of its problems.
Baron: Ulysses Solomon Archer vill pay for subjectink my beautiful zeppelin to za ravages uf nature--
Linkara: Dude, that water damage was (points to camera) your fault. This is what happens when you don't clean out your gutters.
Baron: --und from za ravages uf zose escaped chickens...
Linkara: Not a good sign for your recurring villain when he's easily bested by poultry.
Linkara (v/o): Back over to U.S., he and Retread are trying to do what I suggested last time: pick up the signal of the homing device planted on the Baron, but either it's been knocked off or it's out of range. And since they can't find the Baron, they might as well finish the job they had started with their little contest and drop off the cargo of chickens, who are probably all very spooked by now thanks to all the bombs dropping.
Linkara: Oh, yeah, and of course, there are all those chickens who were left out to die in the desert. Good work with that.
Narrator: The hours pass and the miles rumble by, the time chewed up by the conversation, the distance gulped down by the hungry wheels...
Linkara: Oh, right, so the wheels ate the chickens. That works, too.
Linkara (v/o): And so they roll in and meet up with the checkered-coat-wearing Foghorn Leghorn guy [the Great Chicken Colonel]. He reassures U.S. that the contest was indeed legit, but U.S. is confused as to why the reporters aren't here for the publicity stunt then. Foghorn says the reporters were here, but they left after they got their story.
U.S.: Got what story?
Great Chicken Colonel: The story, I say story, of the person who won the race-- a person who wasn't even supposed to be in it.
Linkara: My God, Retread has been playing us all for fools this whole time, and he won the race!
Linkara (v/o): No, as it turns out, it was Taryn O'Connell, that other love interest for U.S. that might be Midnight. And yes, I could just look ahead and find out, but I want to be surprised at the same time as all of you... except for those of you who have read ahead already and told me. Whoops. Anywho, she explains that when they announced the race, she asked the Colonel if she could participate, too, and just nobody told U.S. or the Baron she was in it, although I'm confused how the hell nobody would notice her driving up behind them.
Taryn:(Irish accent) They don't call me "Taryn Down the Highway" for nothing, U.S.!
Linkara: I thought they called you that because they were really bad at nicknames.
U.S.: But I still don't see how you can beat me in a race I didn't even know were in! You probably want the contract for chicken shipments that was the prize for winning this contest-- but you could have at least tried to win fair and square.
Linkara: Technically, she did. She's the only person in this race who wasn't trying to cheat with deadly weapons.
Taryn:What?! Are you accusing me of cheating?!
Linkara:(as Taryn, shaking his finger) Just because I took advantage of a cheat that turned on "no clipping", doesn't mean that I was cheating!
Linkara (v/o): Before any fists can start flying, Mohawk McChicken suggests another race to settle this: to deliver chicken parts to their distributor.
Great Chicken Colonel: The winner, Ah say winner, will get that lucrative chicken packin' contract and we get that much more free publicity. What, Ah say, what do you say?
Linkara: I say the publicity stunt was a truck versus a blimp. I don't think trucks racing other trucks is really gonna be that much more a pull.
Linkara (v/o): I mean, how do you even advertise that kind of a thing?
Linkara (v/o): So the chicken parts are loaded up and the race is ready.
U.S.: Okay, Taryn, this is it. Good luck! But don't think I'm gonna take it easy on you just because you're a girl.
Linkara: Wow. Dick. Not him saying he wouldn't go easy, but just that he felt the need to bring that up at all. What the hell, man?
Linkara (v/o): I mean, why exactly did he need to go out of his way to point that out, especially when we established in the second issue that she's kind of got a thing going on about gender equality in the trucking industry? And yeah, she does not take that remark well at all.
Taryn: I'm gonna beat that bozo six ways to Thursday! He's gonna be eating so much dust he'll think he's a vacuum cleaner!
Linkara: See, now, "vacuum cleaner vs. truck" would have made for a better promotional stunt.
Linkara (v/o): Unfortunately, her truck won't turn over. She looks at her engine and discovers that somebody disconnected the distributor wires.
Taryn: And I guess I know who that somebody was.
(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching Riding With Death)