Announcer: And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2."
(Cuts to Chester who is inside a car. The review is in one shot and parodies Brad Jones' movie reviews. Chester is with Skitch and Y Ruler of Time who act as "Brad" and "Jake" from the reviews respectively.)
Chester: OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
Chester: What? What are you talking about, Brad Jones?
Brad: Oh God, look, I saw this movie with you, and then all of a sudden I gain 80 pounds, get a foot taller, pubes all over my face, and Jake got a moustache.
Jake: I hate you!
Brad: I mean, seriously, what the fuck do you find even good about this movie?
Chester: Oh, now I thought this film was very avant-garde. It did very things differementably.
Brad: Different? Different? Okay, you got the fucking weird-ass red and white montage at the front end with the serif going to sans-serif font, and then the tedious exposition with all the cuts in-- Wasn't that baby like CGI or something?
Chester: Well, yeah, but that was intentional, the baby being CGI. You know, you were supposed to say like, "Hey! That baby's not really there, like Bella Swan is not really there." You know that she's not a real character and that she's computer-generamated.
Brad: Well. you got that right - she's not a real character. I mean, she just stood there like this (gives the Bella look) the whole movie.
Jake: I didn't think it was possible for a CGI baby to be as horrifying as that dancing goatee commercial.
Chester: No, but don't you see it's an homage to the Ally McBeal days. You remember the little CG baby? Then everybody thought it was cute!
Brad: Oh, dear God. I mean, I would've rather had Ally McBeal up on that screen, at least I could tolerate that look, but Bella-- Goddamn...
Chester: Let's get down really to what this all boiled down to and that is the romance, which granted there was very little of in this film. In fact, most of it was just, ah, being exposition for...exposition, but I followed it pretty close, didn't you? (Turns camera on Jake) I followed it pretty close.
Jake: Well, once she started narrating out of nowhere!
Brad: Yes. They narrate out of nowhere, they fuck out of nowhere, and, let me tell ya, I haven't seen a more erotic sex scene than, what, Mass Effect 3? I don't know.
Chester: Oh, but now for crying out loud, I think you guys are just too cynical about this film. I mean, you remember the, ah-- Dakota Fanning's incredible, incredible role in this movie. All ah, what, three lines, I think, and those lines were delivered very well.
Brad: T-Two lines.
Chester: Oh, two. Okay, I apologize.
Brad: You give her too much credit.
Jake: I liked the part where she killed people with her stare. That was pretty cool.
Chester: Yeah yeah! That was very, very cool, but I-- Something they added to this film that I thought was very clever-- I like the way that we have vampires, right? And then we have werewolves, but then we also have the Planeteers in one person. People that control the elements! Wasn't that so essential to the story? Didn't that just make all the difference in the world to make that up?
Brad: Okay, so you're a vampire. You don't die in the sunlight, you live forever, you have unending stamina, and then you get other superpowers, and they give this one guy, Benjamin, all the powers of the Planeteers and Captain Planet at once.
Chester: Minus the heart, we should point out.
Brad: Minus the heart. But he can just slam the ground and cause a rift that goes into the center of the earth with lava because, you know, that's how vampires work.
Chester: (puts camera on Jake) What'd you think?
Jake: ...I hate you all.
Chester: You know, bottom line, when I think of this movie, (counts off fingers) I think of the romance, I think of the elements, I of course think of Dakota Fanning... Ah, but what about the other, the, ah, golem guy? The guy who looked like Andy Serkis if he actually had weight put on, you know? I mean, he-- I thought he was very subtle. It was a subtle performance, and that was my take. How 'bout you?
Brad: I got about 13 words - they all go "Heeheeheeheehee!"
Chester: No, no, no! I thought that was fascinating 'cause for the most part I thought he was very reserved, very held back, but then when he actually sees the child and goes "Hehehehehe!", I thought it was very moving. I thought it was very, very strong.
Jake: Oh, it seemed like you could connect with what he was thinking, which was... What was he thinking of?
Chester: He was thinking "Ahehehehehehe!", and I-- Didn't you--
Jake: Actually, you're right. That came across pretty well.
Chester: You look at that guy and you think to yourself, "All that's going on in his head is constant giggling, obviously no thought." I just figured that's what's going on in most of the characters heads.
Brad: I hate everyone on that screen from beginning to end, and then the movie had the balls to not even give a proper payoff.
Jake: There's this great ending where everyone is dying. They're getting their heads ripped off and they're (mimics being choked), and then it doesn't actually happen?? Bullshit!
Chester: Okay okay, yes, we should probably address this. This'll probably be very controversial even for Twilight fans. Apparently, for all the build-up, you could say, for this movie, there is finally a gigantic climax that, quite frankly, you... I could tell you what happens and you wouldn't belie-- Okay, I'll tell you what happens. All the vampires get lined up. All the werewolves get lined up. And they just go at each other! And they start ripping each other's heads off! And they're flying everywhere! And then these people are using their Captain Planet powers, but then they're like, "Oh, I'm gonna use my psychic powers!" (mimes psychic blast) And they're like, "AH!" And they're like, "OH MY GOD!" and everybody's doing jump-flips like Cirque du Soleil! And their heads are getting ripped off and they're screaming and yelling all this stuff, and then it turns out... It was all a dream.
Brad: Well, no, it wasn't even a dream. It was a vision being passed on to the big bad by one of the girls, I don't know, what was her name? Angel, Amber, doesn't fucking matter.
Chester: Well, I was saying dream to give it a little bit more credibility.
Brad: Oh, come on. Come on. Okay, you could try to be classy about it like in "Hero," or you can be stupid about it like "Twilight Breaking Dawn 2."
Chester: Well, you know, and the other thing that some people found very uncomfortable in the last movie was when Jacob actually imprinted on a baby, which I suppose means that they're going to go steady.
Brad: Yes, yes, and then at the very end, they imply very clearly that baby-- She's gonna get boned by the werewolf.
Chester: But here's the thing: The baby is not going to get boned. They're going to wait till she grows up to get boned...
Chester: ...Which could still be considered creepy.
Jake: There was that whole thing where the...pale one...
Chester: You're gonna have to be more specific.
Jake: The... (makes stare face) one. The one who stares.
Chester: Oh, you mean the "Ahahahaha!" That guy?
Jake: No, the main guy with the...
Chester: Oh oh oh, Edward! Edward! Yes yes yes yes.
Jake: Whatever, where he's like, "Hey, don't do that to my daughter!" Which, you know, I could understand that! If my little girl's just been born and you're like (makes perverted face), but then at the end he's just like, "Yeah, okay. Go have sex with my daughter eventually."
Chester: No, but didn't you think the scene where he says, "Hey, should I start calling you Dad?"... No, that was scary. That was really scary when they did that.
Brad: I hate everyone on that screen, and the best part is we know how old she's gonna be when the boning starts. It's gonna be 7 years, 'cause apparently when you're half mortal and half immortal, it means you grow up in 7 years and stay immortal.
Chester: Yes, it was a little confusing how much time passed for the child. They just did a little dissolve and suddenly she was tall, and we have no idea if this was weeks or years or literally as we're watching it - seconds? We're not reallly sure, but thank God the father in the movie-- Bella's father: He's a smart cookie, I think he is because he looks at this kid that used to be a baby and now clearly is a child, and he's like, "Okay!"
Brad: I-- Charlie is so fucking dense this entire movie. He's like, "Oh, look, you're a werewolf! Oh, this baby's suddenly a freakin' 5 year old and I'm not gonna be obli-- I'm not gonna think of anything weird. And then, oh, look, suddenly you just wanna send me on a fishing trip. Okay!"
Chester: Well, you know what? See, to me, I think it made it very clear that the father was mentally ill, because as you remember, Jacob reveals himself as a werewolf and he's pretty much cool with it, and then when he asks Bella what's going on, she says she can't tell him, and he's pretty much cool with it. So, obviously he was a very slow individual.
Jake: That whole thing... How did Bella forget how to be a human? The vampires--
Chester: Oh, now hold on, hold on! I will defend this! Even when she was human, she was not human! She had to be shown how to be human even when she was a human. Now, give me some credit there!
Jake: That was kind of revealing.
Chester: Yeah yeah, I thought that was very clear.
Brad: My favorite part was just the whole thing of the other vampires coaching her saying, "Don't sit up too straight! Don't look military, because humans don't fucking sit up, and be sure to move your shoulders or else people won't think you're breathing."
Chester: Now, I will ask you this: Do you think that maybe the excessive use of people going in fast motion-- 'Cause even in the other movies, I don't remember that. It was starting to look like a Benny Hill sketch. Would you agree?
Brad: My favorite scene was in the beginning when Bella and Edward just running through the woods and it's so fake, and then she smells a guy bleeding from a mile away and just jumps and climbs up a hill. I was like, "C'mon, just bite him in the fucking neck!" and...no payoff. No payoff!
Jake: These people will run to do anything. They will run to get books off of bookcases, they will run to sit down and then at the end of the movie when one character has to run away, she turns around really slowly...for some fucking reason!
Chester: Okay okay, bottom line as we get to the end of this review, I think that quite clearly you two individuals are missing that this was obviously supposed to be a comedy.
Chester: Think about it! Think about it! I mean, you have this woman who has clearly done nothing. The young woman has done nothing, accomplished nothing, even at the very end, when all the action is happening, what has been accomplished? Nothing! It is hilarious! I think it's hilarious how there's a CG baby. I think it's hilarious how Bella Swan is turned from a human to vampire even though she never had any human qualities, and, actually, now that she's a vampire, she may even have a few more human qualities because at least it's a little explained. (laughs) And the ending, where they're going around, they're taking off each other's heads and the werewolves are like (makes growling sounds), and then the guy smashes the ground and everything falls-- It's like why didn't he do that in the first place? And then it's all a dream! It's the most hilarious thing I've ever seen in my life! W-Weren't you guys laughing?
Brad: This is the last time I'm taking you in my car, you know that, right?
Jake: Why'd you let him in the first place?
Chester: This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE-- (realizes he has no cup) Do you guys have a cup of some kind?
Brad: Ah, ah, ah, no.
Chester: I-I, um... (checks floor) There's a bag here. I will use that for the time-- (shakes bag) CHANGE?! Ya got change?! A lot of ch-- Actually, what's in here? (looks in bag) Ooh! Actually, this is perfect. (holds up Chick-Fil-A cup) Chick-Fil-A! You anti-gay bastards! Aw c'mon, help a guy-- (throws cup down) You know what, I feel dirty just using that. This could take a minute. Um... (holds up hand) Bye.