April 8, 2020
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown. Then a brand-new NC intro plays, starting from the same opening shot as the 2019 intro and then transitioning to a room that plays clips in the background. For Doug Walker, 2017 Pennywise is seen in the middle of the room dancing, and Chester A. Bum and Uncle Lies are seen spinning around on the outer rim. The clips that play are of NC and Devil Boner. Next, we see Malcolm Ray's credit, which displays Bill in the middle and Black Willy Wonka and Benny spinning around, the clips playing are Carrotjuice and Cyborg (from the Justice League review). We then see original Mary Poppins and Rey in the background for Tamara Chambers' credit with a joyous Hyper Fangirl in the middle and Aunt Despair and Wonder Woman are seen spinning on the outer rim. Then, for the supporting cast of Jim Jarosz, Rob Walker, Walter Banasiak, Heather Reusz and Aiyanna Wade, we see 2019 Joker (from the It: Chapter Two review) in the middle and on the outer rim, an analyst, a floating Beverly (from the 2017 It review), Doe and the same shot of Jim drinking from a mug. After this, we pan up to see the "WRITTEN BY DOUG AND ROB WALKER" credit as a flame comes out from the middle and engulfs the screen several times as the "Intro by Fard Muhammad" credit appears. We are revealed to be zooming out from the O in the Nostalgia Critic logo, which zooms back into place with Channel Awesome's social media appearing below shortly after. We then fade to the NC at his desk (the wall is in the yellow color from last time))
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. DreamWorks Animation has had an...interesting history, hasn't it?
(As NC speaks, the logo for DreamWorks Animation SKG is shown, before showing several articles involving DreamWorks, including one on Jeffrey Katzenberg announcing some "very, very difficult" layoffs, as well as the poster for Shrek and logos of two of DreamWorks' distributors, Paramount Pictures and 20th Century Fox)
NC (vo): It seems like whenever you look into them, they're always either on top of the world or hanging on by a thread. Despite many of their films making money, they haven't had a solo production in 15 years, always working with another major studio.
NC: Part of the odd, but also charming, reason that might be is that you never really know what's gonna be good or bad with them.
(We are shown various shots and posters of various DreamWorks Animation movies that NC mentions)
NC (vo): If you told me Jack Black as a panda would be an emotional roller coaster and Will Smith as a fish would haunt my everlasting nightmares, I'd say you're as high as those who predicted Boss Baby would be the hit we didn't know we didn't want. Yes, it's hard to say why Shark Tale, Home and Abominable took the world by storm, but Rise of the Guardians, Peabody & Sherman and Sinbad didn't. I guess each one has its own complicated reasons.
NC: (crosses arms) But one that was easy to see why it bombed and bombed hard was the one that was based on the toy that hadn't been popular for years–
(He is interrupted, however, as another news article, this one on the movie he is referring to, Trolls, was a hit at the Cannes Film Festival)
NC (vo): Oh, that was a hit?
NC: Of course it was.
(The title for Trolls is shown, before showing various clips)
NC (vo): Trolls, based on the toy your sister played with when she wanted to be a voodoo priestess... (Images of the Troll toys and a girl posing with a Troll toy are shown) ...was a bit of a surprise hit, because the toy line hadn't been popular since the '90s. But with a colorful redesign, pop songs, and celebrity voices...
NC (vo): ...Trolls became a smash. Its sequel, Trolls World Tour, might even be seen as a game-changer, as it's the first major kids' film to be released in theaters... (An image of a cinema website which reveals the cinema is temporarily closed is shown)...ish, but mainly on demand. (A news article called "Trolls World Tour could change everything or absolutely nothing" is shown) This'll be especially interesting, as animated sequels have not been the moneymakers they once were. So many are watching Trolls World Tour, or, as I call it, the less funny (Poster of...) Troll 2, with great interest. Before the fallout of that, though, I thought it only made sense to see why the first Trolls movie was such a big hit for DreamWorks, and if it's worth all the kinda-ish praise it got. (The film's Rotten Tomatoes score is shown, with the critics' score being 76% and the audiences' score being 67%) So let's take a look and see how this became popular again... (The Trolls toys are shown again) JUST TAKE THEM OFFSCREEN!!
NC: I CAN'T LOOK AT THEM! (abruptly calms down) This is Trolls.
(The title opens on a cuddly-looking storybook, with the film's main character, Poppy, narrating)
Poppy: Once upon a time, in the happiest tree lived the happiest creatures: the Trolls.
NC: Bullshit! I go online. Trolls are dangerous losers, unless I agree with them, in which case, they're edgy rapscallions! (The sentence "THE INTERNET IN ONE SENTENCE" pops up)
Poppy: They loved nothing more than to sing, and dance, and hug, (speaking more rapidly so as to sound higher pitched) and hug, and dance, and hug, and dance, and sing, and hug, and dance and hug, and dance, and sing, and hug, and dance, and hug.
(The narration then stops, however, as one of the Trolls on the page gasps for breath and falls over in a faint)
NC (vo): Sorry, YouTubers who talk to kids with sped-up voices, fast close-ups, and little cartoons.
NC: Trolls is doing it bet... Trolls is doing it.
(The film then shows the kingdom of the Bergens, a race of large, ugly, mean, and miserable creatures who can only feel happy by consuming a Troll, and imprison the Trolls and eat them every year on a special occasion, Trollstice)
NC (vo): It's revealed there's a race of creatures called the Bergens, who like eating the trolls' happiness, which, thank God, also means eating the trolls. Thus, they gather around the tree once a year to feast on them on the holiday called Trollstice. They light up the grills, which I have to say, I love the dark tone they're starting out on. Don't worry, it won't last...kind of; but we'll get to it when we get to it. ...as Prince Gristle is given his first troll to eat.
(The Bergen chef in charge of preparing the Trolls for consumption presents one for the young Bergen prince, Gristle Jr., to eat. When he does, however, he spits it out in disgust)
Prince Gristle (Christopher Mintz-Plasse): (to the chef) That was rotten!
(The chef picks the fake Troll up and looks at it. She pulls the hair off and knocks on it; it makes a wooden, knocking sound)
Chef (Christine Baranski): It's...fake?
Bergens: (shocked) Fake?!?
(As we cut back to NC, the fake troll is shown in the left corner, followed by an image of Baby Yoda in the upper-right corner)
(Secretly, all the Trolls, led by King Peppy, are escaping through a tunnel)
NC (vo): The trolls escape underground, which is not exactly a shock. It's kind of like (An image of a stand of pines is superimposed, with one tree having a nervous face and human legs, as if trying to run away) a pine tree selling his plot before Christmas; there's fair warning. ...as King Peppy saves every last one of them.
(As King Peppy addresses the trolls, he is naked from having lost his clothes in the escape)
King Peppy (Jeffrey Tambor): No troll left behind!
(The other trolls cheer)
Young Troll: Peppy, where's Princess Poppy?
NC: (as Young Troll) Follow-up question: am I traumatized by that?
(King Peppy parts his hair, revealing a tiny troll, Princess Poppy, who is safe as well)
NC (vo): Princess Poppy is safe as well, but the Bergens are outraged and throw out the chef named...let me guess, just Chef? (Yep, that's right, as seen on the movie's IMDB page, the chef is just named Chef, who is voiced by Christine Baranski, as stated before) I gotta stop IMDB-ing these; it just depresses me.
(In the Bergens' castle throne room, Prince Gristle speaks with his father, King Gristle, as a young maid named Bridget sweeps the floor in the background)
Prince Gristle: What's gonna make me happy now?
King Gristle (John Cleese): You will never, ever, ever, ever be happy.
NC: Oh, the current state of every Star Wars fan.*
- *This video was made a couple months after the release of The Rise of Skywalker, which was a very messy and unsatisfying conclusion to say the least.
(Meanwhile, King Peppy sticks his torch into a toadstool as he addresses the other Trolls, having made it to a new land where they can live peacefully)
King Peppy: Right here, this is where we will rebuild our civilization!
NC (vo; as King Peppy): After the sweet mass genocide of Smurfs living here, I say we call this home!
(Years later, a now-grown Princess Poppy is telling the story to a group of young Trolls)
NC (vo): 20 years later, Princess Poppy, voiced by Anna Kendrick, tells the story of their history to their hairy gumdrops.
Young Troll 1: And that's why we hug every hour.
Young Troll 2: I wish it was every half hour.
Poppy: So do I, but that wouldn't leave much time for singing and dancing now, would it?
NC: This is a cult.
(Poppy is then shown preparing to host a big party for Trolls everywhere, while the film's first musical sequence, "Move Your Feet"/"D.A.N.C.E." plays)
NC (vo): So they sing about how they're going to have a big celebration of their freedom.
Trolls: (singing) Yeah!
Poppy: (singing) Everybody's coming to the celebration...
NC: I guess I shouldn't judge other cultures, but...
NC (vo): ...I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be a troll racist by the end of this.
(As the song continues, Poppy and another troll, DJ Suki, ride on the back of an insect of some kind)
Poppy: (singing) Stick to the B-E-A-T / Get ready to ignite...
(Poppy pulls on the insect's antennae, and it explodes in a cascade of flowers)
NC: (smiling) Well, that thing's dead. Fun!
Biggie (James Corden): Something's missing.
(Guy Diamond, a Troll covered in silver glitter, runs up and aims his butt at a painting of a caterpillar, then through flatulence, he blasts silver glitter at the painting, adding glittery hair and a bow tie to it)
NC: (his head resting on his hand listlessly) All humor is gonna be butt-based, isn't it?
NC (vo): I guess my ass does do that when I put Easter egg glitter on Taco Bell. Honestly, I'd be more concerned if that didn't happen.
(The musical number reaches its conclusion, just as a Troll named Branch, who is cynical and over-cautious, comes to warn them that hosting loud parties will attract the Bergens)
NC (vo): The song is a little annoying, but I guess still upbeat, as a troll named Branch, voiced by Justin Timberlake, is concerned as he's always paranoid the Bergens are coming.
(We cut to a montage of flashbacks, where three troll festivities being held for the same couple are disrupted by Branch, who rushes in worrying about the arrival of the Bergens. First, there is a birthday party where a clown tries to hand a green-haired troll a balloon before Branch quickly pushes the clown offscreen, flips a table behind him while screaming, "THE BERGENS ARE COMING! AHH!" and then running away. Second, there is wedding where the same clown and green-haired troll are about to be married before Branch once again pushes the clown offscreen, flips a table behind him while screaming, "THE BERGENS ARE COMING! AHH!" and running away. Lastly, there is a funeral being held with the green-haired troll silently weeping and the clown nowhere to be seen before once again Branch shows up and screams, "THE BERGENS ARE COMING! AHH!", much to the annoyance of the green-haired troll. But this time, instead of flipping the table behind him, he turns the opposite direction and flips the casket, causing the dead clown's body to roll out as Branch runs away.)
NC: Well, I know what should have been the poster!
(A made-up poster for this movie is shown, depicting the dead troll, having been knocked out of the coffin by Branch. Then the movie resumes, introducing the character of Creek, a Zen-like Troll and Poppy's secret crush)
NC (vo): Russell Brand Troll tries to calm everybody down, and while I'm sure his character has a different name, he's basically what (A photo of Russell Brand is shown) Russell Brand is now, right down to, I'm pretty sure he's a troll.
Creek: (to Poppy) Tune out his negative vibrations, Poppy. They're toxic. Some folks just don't want to be happy.
NC: (as Creek) What's important is, I'm above you somehow, even if that means physically instead of metaphorically. I'll take it! My standards are that low!
(That night, as Poppy hosts her big Troll party, the Bergen Chef, who had spent the past years searching for Trolls, discovers the party and attacks the Trolls, capturing some of them)
NC (vo): The party is thrown, but as Branch predicted, Chef hears them and hunts them down.
Creek: Minimize your auras!
(Chef grabs Creek)
Creek: (taken away) NOOOO!
NC: No, let him go! His career will destroy himself!
(After Chef leaves with a bagful of Trolls, Poppy attempts to get her father to help her)
NC (vo): She leaves with several of them caught, as Poppy says they should save them, but the king says they should hide.
Poppy: What about "no troll left behind"?
King Peppy: That was a long time ago, and I'm not the king I once was.
NC: (as King Peppy) As I get older, I watch less MSNBC and more Fox News. You know how it works.
(With no other options left, Poppy goes to Branch; they talk as they go through Branch's large underground bunker)
NC (vo): Poppy goes to Branch to ask for help, who it looks like has spent years preparing an underground bunker. Who's crazy now? No, really, who's crazy now? In this day and age, this almost sounds rational.*
- *This video was made in 2020, where a train wreck of problems (COVID-19, quarantines, economic recessions, Australian bushfires, the Beirut Explosion and police brutality to name a few) were all crammed into one year.
Poppy: It's my fault they were taken. Now I don't know what to do.
Branch: Why don't you try scrapbooking them to freedom?
Poppy: Solid burn, Branch.
NC: I think we both know that's the plot for the third movie.
(Poppy ultimately decides to go save the Trolls by herself, leaving the Trolls who weren't captured in Branch's bunker)
NC (vo): She invites all the trolls left to live in the bunker, which Branch says will make his 10-year rations only last a couple weeks.
Branch: You won't last a day out there.
Poppy: And you won't last a day in here. Solid burn returned.
NC: (laughs sarcastically and keeps smiling as he speaks) This is entirely your fault! (A snippet of Poppy's party from earlier replays in the corner)
(Poppy embarks on a long and dangerous journey, shown through the song sequence, "Get Back Up Again")
NC (vo): She sings a song about not being afraid, and while the song I guess is all right, I will admit, this got a laugh out of me.
(At one point in the song, Poppy notices several creatures eating one another in a food chain style)
NC: I give credit to any movie with a body count.
(At the end of the song, Poppy has been knocked unconscious, and is wrapped up in a web, about to be eaten by spiders, only for Branch to arrive and save her)
NC (vo): She gets trapped by spiders, though, but is saved by Branch.
Branch: (seeing Poppy wrapped up by the spiders) Oh, no! Poppy!
(He runs and places his ear on her chest, listening for a pulse)
NC: (as Branch) At least you look slightly less adorable than (An image of an unconscious Frodo in The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is shown) dead Elijah Wood webbed up.
Poppy: (coming to) You were right on time.
Branch: Oh, right, like you knew I was coming.
Poppy: Yes. I figured out by the third hug time, getting eaten by a Bergen wouldn't seem so bad.
NC: Again, in this day and age, maybe.*
- *Again, this was during 2020 when COVD-19 was in full swing and everyone around the world was urged to obey strict health regulations and self quarantine themselves as best as possible. Since COVID-19 could be spread through the respiratory system and physical contact, everyone was urged to both wear masks and avoid physical contact, going so far that people were told to stay 2.5 meters (or at arms reach) away from each other. Hence why getting eaten by a Bergen wouldn't be so bad after 3 hug times.
(He nods apprehensively as we go to a commercial break. Upon return from the break, the movie resumes, showing Poppy and Branch going together on their journey, while bickering about their complete differences)
NC (vo): So Poppy and Branch – get this – bicker and argue because (sarcastically) they're totally not gonna be together by the end. That's why every Meg Ryan movie ends with a killing spree.
Poppy: You don't sing, you don't dance, so gray all the time! What happened to you?
Branch: (putting his finger over her mouth) Shh!
NC: (as Branch, holding up his finger in imitation of his shushing motion) My tragic backstory attempting to make you cry will have to wait.
Poppy: There's no Bergen, is there? You just said that so I'd stop talking!
(Cut to a clip of X-Men)
Wolverine (Hugh Jackman): Pick one.
(That night, Poppy and Branch rest next to a campfire)
NC (vo): They try and get some sleep, but Poppy can't help but sing herself a lullaby while Branch enjoys the quiet.
(As Poppy sings while playing her song on a guitar (which is "Sound of Silence"), several creatures of nature join in harmonizing)
Poppy: (singing) And the vision that was planted in my brain...
NC: I'm sure this is the scenario Simon and Garfunkel had in mind when they wrote this.
NC (vo): And given how it's done, I do fittingly have the look of (Image of Dustin Hoffman and Katharine Ross on the bus at the end of The Graduate is shown) Hoffman and Ross at the end of The Graduate.
(Branch takes Poppy's guitar and throws it in the campfire)
NC: This is what we call a relatable character. (nods)
(The next day, Poppy and Branch come across two tunnels, and are met by a talking cloud simply known as Cloud Guy)
NC (vo): They come across two tunnels. One leads to certain death and the other leads to the Bergens. A cloud, though, apparently says he knows the answer. Oh, this is just gonna be like that riddle you've heard in other movies, except dumb.
Cloud Guy (Walt Dorhn): First, you have to give me a high five, then I'll tell you. (Branch reaches out his hand to do so, but Cloud Guy retracts his hand and makes shapes and signs with it) Whoop! Shark attack! (makes a biting motion with it on Branch's hand) Nom-nom-nom! (shapes his hands like a...) Jellyfish! (places both hands on Branch's hand) Hand sandwich! (makes other crazy shapes with his and Branch's hands) Turkey! Snowman! Dolphin! Helicopter!
NC: (watching listlessly) Please kill him.
(Suddenly, Branch can't take it anymore and he and Poppy chase after Cloud Guy, who makes crazed screaming sounds as he runs)
Branch: That's right, you'd better run, Cloud!
NC: Again, relatable character. (nods)
(The chase eventually leads Poppy and Branch into Bergen Town, which is as miserable and grey as ever)
NC (vo): The cloud leads them the right way, and they end up in Bergen Town...where they sing Gorillaz songs.
(Said Gorillaz song is "Ain't Happy". A male Bergen has flies swarming around his head and he tries to hit them with a fly swatter. Meanwhile, a female Bergen is pushing her baby in a buggy while the baby sprays milk from its bottle in her face)
Male Bergen: (singing) I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad...
Female Bergen: (singing) I got sunshine in a bag...
NC: (looking up in thought briefly, then holds up right hand) Happy kids are hearing a good song... (holds up left hand) pissed they're not seeing... (The Bergens are shown again, with a shot of the original "Ain't Happy" music video superimposed) ...the darker version with "Motherfucker" in it. I think I'd rather corrupt a child than patronize him.
NC (vo): This would be like singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" in Peter Pan... (A shot of the poster for Pan is superimposed) Why do I keep forgetting that it's a thing?
(In the castle throne room, Chef approaches Prince – or rather, King Gristle, revealing to him the captured Trolls in her pouch)
NC (vo): The Chef approaches Prince Gristle, who is now King, and tells him all about the Trolls that can make him instantly happy.
Gristle: The only way I'll ever be happy is by eating a Troll, and that ain't gonna happen, thanks to you! (sits down on his throne in a pout)
NC: Again, if this was a Gorillaz video, it'd something else that could do that.
(As Poppy and Branch sneak in, they witness Chef serving King Gristle a Troll, who turns out to be Creek. Chef, who is secretly planning to use the return of Trollstice to seize control of the kingdom, forces King Gristle to eat Creek)
NC (vo): The King tells the Chef to bring back Trollstice, meaning she will have power once more. Meanwhile, Branch and Poppy sneak into Hotel Transylvania, but it looks like it's too late, as Russell Brand Troll is being eaten. The film gives the appropriate response...
(With Creek in his mouth, King Gristle is placed at a table, wearing a sombrero and holding maracas in his hands. Then two of his servants play a mariachi tune on some trumpets and start spinning His Majesty around, trying to get him to dance and make him swallow the Troll)
Poppy: We didn't see him swallow!
Branch: Face it, Poppy, sometimes people go into other people's mouths and they don't come out!
NC: (nodding and smiling) The guy who did Dick in a Box, everybody.
(While remaining hopeful that Creek is still alive, Poppy sees the other Trolls being held by the now-grown Bergen maid named Bridget, who is secretly in love with King Gristle. Bridget expresses her love by singing "Hello" by Lionel Richie)
NC (vo): Poppy goes after her friends and discovers the scullery maid named Bridget, voiced by Zooey Descahnel, is not allowed to Trollstice. Thus, she sings about her love for the King. It sounds nice, but the imagery is still uncomfortable like most of the songs.
Bridget: (singing) I can see it in your eyes...
NC: You know, one night, I combined crystal meth with Vicodin... (A shot of King Gristle is shown, but with his eyes turned into the head of Bridget) ...and that is exactly what I saw.
(Poppy and Branch spot the captured Trolls in a cage)
Trolls: (overjoyed) Poppy!
(Bridget encounters Poppy and all the Trolls, and they all offer to help Bridget get a date with King Gristle, all except Branch, who still remains cynical and hardened)
NC (vo): They get their friends out, but Bridget spots them. Poppy says she can help her meet the King, though, and get Russell Brand Troll back. But Bridget doesn't believe them because Branch won't sing. And if you think that doesn't make any sense, wrap your brain around this.
Poppy: (to Branch) You have to sing.
Poppy: You have to!
Poppy: Why won't you sing?!
Branch: Because singing killed my grandma, okay?!
(Having revealed the truth, he looks away, hanging his head. Then we cut to a clip of an episode of The Simpsons, "Homie the Clown", showing the Simpson family sitting around, looking stunned)
Bart Simpson: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
NC: Yeah, okay, I'll bite. How was that sentence breathed into existence?
(We have a flashback to Branch's childhood)
NC (vo): It looks like Branch was singing so loud, he didn't notice the Bergen behind him, and his grandma sacrificed herself to save him.
(Branch watches in horror as Chef captures his grandmother)
Young Branch: Grandma! (voice echos)
NC: You do know this is a movie where they fart sparkles, right?
Trolls: (singing behind Branch and Poppy) Once upon a time, there was love in his light, and now there's only love in the dark...
NC: (sarcastically) Wow, you guys really know how to let emotions sink in. Like a... (As the scene replays, an image of a bowling ball on a concrete road is shown) ...bowling ball in the concrete. That was terrible!
Poppy: I just assumed you had a terrible voice.
Branch: No, no, it was like an angel's.
NC: (as Branch) I was humble as fuck, too.
(Branch reluctantly agrees to help the Trolls with Bridget's problems, and so, they all work together to give Bridget a new look and identity called "Lady Glittersparkles", ending up giving her a date with King Gristle, who becomes attracted to her)
NC (vo): So, after that totally out-of-nowhere death scene... Yeah, again, sprinkle butts! ...they dress up Bridget so that no one will recognize her and she can get close to the King.
(They go to a pizza place, where they are served a pizza with strange shapes on it (presumably troll bits))
NC: Aw, they went to Little Caesars.
(King Gristle reaches out to take a slice, but Bridget slaps him away and grabs the slice for herself, which she noisily devours)
NC (vo): Uh, no, sorry, nobody acts that passionate towards Little Caesars.
Gristle: True happiness is a lot closer than you think.
(He opens up a jewel that ties the robe around him, revealing Creek inside, who had not been eaten after all. He gasps in fright at the Bergens surrounding him. Poppy and Branch, watching from a distance, are amazed as well)
NC (vo): He reveals the Troll he had earlier is still alive...
NC: Okay, (holds up two fingers) that's strike two! You had a chance to kill Russell Brand and you didn't!
NC (vo): ...but she leaves when she sees Chef comes in.
(Bridget returns to her room after Chef interrupts her date, as Poppy attempts to talk with her)
Poppy: (to Bridget) You and the King can make each other happy.
Bridget: Impossible! Only eating a Troll can make you happy!
NC: (as Bridget) I know, I've been prescribed (An image of Norm MacDonald appears in the corner) two Norm MacDonalds a day for my depression.
(Suddenly, Chef appears and slams a cage down over the Trolls, imprisoning them)
NC (vo): The Trolls are captured again by Chef, who reveals she has a secret weapon to catch the rest of them.
(Chef then reaches into her pouch and pulls out...Creek?!?)
Branch: He's selling us out!
(Branch lashes out at Creek with his hair through the bars)
Poppy: Branch! (pulls him away) Please give him a chance!
Creek: Thank you, Poppy. (beat) I'm selling you out.
NC: (smiling) Did they even have to write lines for him? I'm pretty sure Russell Brand...
NC (vo): ...just showed up and they were like, "Just say what you normally would in this situation."
Creek: I'm selling you out.
NC (vo): He reveals that in exchange for his life, he would show where the rest of the Trolls are. And he does exactly that, luring the Trolls into the open.
(With Creek's help, the Bergens capture all the Trolls and pour them into a pot)
Chef: The Trolls!
NC: (as Chef) We have enough cereal mascots for five Lucky Charms spinoffs! The next one, we'll have donuts! (A shot of a made-up Lucky Charms cereal box, Lucky Charms Donuts, is superimposed)
(With all the Trolls captured, thrown into a pot and soon to be eaten, a heartbroken Poppy falls into despair and loses hope as she and all the other Trolls turn gray)
NC (vo): Poppy feels like she failed, which...I mean, that party set this all in motion, so, yeah...which causes all the Trolls to go gray because...I guess the film's deep now. Yeah, I liked it more when you were a Disney Channel sing-along with butt confetti. I never thought I'd say that, but at least you weren't kidding yourselves when you were.
Branch: (singing) You with the sad eyes...
NC (vo): Of course, Branch starts singing to lift Poppy's feelings, bringing the color back to all the Trolls, and even confesses his love to her.
Branch: (singing) That's why I love you...
NC (vo): Yeah, they had all the bickering, but they forgot to put in the part where they're romantically involved. Unless...was the dead grandma scene supposed to be that part? Did anyone find that particularly romantic? Dead grandmas are hot? Thanks, Trolls.
Bridget: (appearing before the Trolls) Poppy!
(Bridget saves the trolls, willing to sacrifice herself, but Poppy can't bring herself to abandon Bridget and, with Branch and her friends, shows King Gristle and the Bergens that Bridget is Lady Glittersparkles and that it is not necessary to eat Trolls to be happy, and they, too, can find happiness within themselves)
NC (vo): Bridget breaks them out, but the Trolls can't let her be blamed for their escape, so they return to reveal she was the girl the King fell in love with.
King Gristle: (gasps) Lady Glittersparkles?
NC: (as Gristle) You're not a natural rainbow?
Poppy: (to Gristle) When you were with Bridget, you were feeling something, weren't you?
Gristle: I just thought it was too much pizza.
Bridget: Me, too.
Poppy: That was happiness!
NC: It's true, having too much pizza is happiness. (A shot of a deep dish pizza with a slice being cut out is shown in the corner) I live in Chicago, so I know.
NC (vo): King Gristle admits he's happy with Bridget and without eating a Troll, and I forget, is this a musical?
(It is indeed, as Poppy and Branch lead the other trolls in the film's main song, "Can't Stop the Feeling", to the delight of the Bergens)
Trolls: (singing) ...sunshine in my pocket, / Got that good soul in my feet...
NC: So the song is a lot like the others: upbeat, colorful, not especially interesting...
(The camera then focuses on a four-legged troll, Cooper, who looks like a llama)
NC (vo): WHAT IS THAT THING?!? I'm sorry, I've been quiet the whole film, but there's no others like him, and they just call him a Troll, like there's a bunch of him, but there's not! It's only him! And he's scary! He's so fucking scary!
NC: That's not a troll, that's that nightmare from Shrek 3! (As Cooper is shown again, he is shown alongside a shot from Shrek the Third, showing Donkey and Puss In Boots with ogre heads) If I saw that thing, I would STAB IT WITH KNIVES!!
(As the Trolls and Bergens parade through the town, they turn it more colorful with each step)
NC (vo): So they figure out, happiness is within and doesn't have to be consumed. Um...don't do drugs, I guess?
NC: Ironic, because all of this will look amazing if you did. (The colorful parade is shown in the corner)
King Peppy: (showing off Poppy) Our new queen! (The Trolls and Bergens all cheer)
NC: (as Peppy) She taught us we don't need to see therapists or take medicine, just...bounce!
(A flower grows up out of the ground under Poppy and Branch, which raises them into the air)
NC (vo): Yes, this song as well as this ending may seem very sappy and lame, but there is at least a happy ending for the adults. (The end credits is interrupted by an extra scene, showing what happened to Chef and the traitorous Creek) Russell Brand dies.
(Chef, exiled from the Bergen realm for being the one Bergen to not accept happiness, tries to take her anger out on Creek by eating him as punishment for letting her down, only for both of them to end up eaten alive themselves by a monster that tried to eat Poppy earlier in the movie)
NC: Any film that goes out with that is doing something right. (nods)
(Footage of the movie is shown one last time as NC gives his final thoughts on it)
NC (vo): So that was Trolls. Um...it's a kids' movie. Honestly, though, I think that kinda is the best way to describe it. I think it's intended for little, little kids: the jokes, the colors, the songs, the overall bounciness. Nothing screams, "We're trying to entertain teens and adults as well." And as kids' movies go, it's...mostly okay. The visuals are imaginative, the songs have a decent variety from different times, and the jokes, while not funny to most adults, aren't painful to get through like, say, The Chipmunks or Smurfs movies. The only area where it suffers is the third act, suddenly throwing in family deaths and depressing imagery in a story that's clearly not talented enough to support it. You're a little kid's film with butt jokes. You're not great at it, but you're passable enough. Stick to that, and children may put you on a few more times before growing up and asking, "What was in those Pixie Stix?" I can't act like I enjoyed it, but for its target audience of, say, three to 10, I think it's imaginative and colorful enough. Not a glowing review, but the kindest I can give to a movie with farting glitter.
NC: Anyway, it's pointless to act like they're the new trademark of glitter, as we still have our powerful movement: Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle.
Jim: Fuck, yeah, sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!
Mrs. Jarosz: (confused) Honey, why did you just say that?
Jim: (just as confused) I don't know.
(He looks around in confusion as his wife puts her hand on his forehead)
Channel Awesome tagline – Branch: 'Cause singing killed my grandma, okay?!
(The credits roll)