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Trap

M Night Shymalan Trap Nostalgia Critic

Release Date
January 15, 2025
Running Time
28:29
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OPENING SEQUENCE

Critic enters his brand new studio when his eyes widen upon seeing a troubling sight. Heather and Jim, armed with assault rifles, sweep the offices while on the lookout for threats. Critic goes up to Jim, the latter's eyes glazed in suspicion.

The Nostalgia Critic: (expectant sarcasm) Hey, Jim! I noticed everybody's really on edge. Is something wrong?

Jim Jarosz: Well, can you keep a secret?

Critic: (chortle, excessive head waving to sides) Don't I look like a guy who'd be really good at keeping a secret?

Jim: Well...this entire review that we're doing today...

Critic: ...Yeah?

Jim: It's actually a trap.

Critic: A trap? Wow! For who?

Jim: You know all those people that have gone missing recently?

Critic: Why, yeah! Of course!

Jim: It's to catch the person that's been kidnapping them! You see-

Heather stops Jim before he can compromise the "mission."

Heather Reusz: Jim! You know you're not supposed to talk to anyone suspicious-(turns to Critic, changes to more affable tone) Oooh, but you're not suspicious, are you, NC?

Critic smile/grimaces and rapidly blinks in the most obviously evil way possible.

Critic: Not...at...all...

Jim: Yeah, you're right. He's got an overall good vibe.

Heather: Well, keep us posted if you see anything crazy, clearly-not-crazy-person!

Jim and Heather laugh off their lack of foresight. Critic laughs more disinterestedly as he gets away from them.

Jim: You know what'd be funny?

Heather: If he was the guy we were looking for?!

The two laugh some more amid their obliviousness.

Jim: I mean, that's highly unlikely, there's only thee of us here.

Heather chortles. Critic keeps up his fake laugh as he goes to his office. He breaks the act and pulls out his iPhone, revealing a video feed to Chester A. Bum who worriedly paces a backroom. Chester goes up to the camera.

Chester A. Bum: Mr. McCritic, this isn't fun anymore! I don't want to play "Escape Room with No Escape"!

Critic: Well, Chester, you'll be happy to know that things just got a lot more dangerous for me around here.

Jim and Heather train their guns on the Christmas tree in the corner.

Jim: Hey, Heather! Does this Christmas tree look suspicious to you?

Heather: (teeth clenched) Don't. Let him know that we're onto him!

Both of them lower their guns, quickly turn around and try to peek over their shoulders.

Critic: Okay, maybe not. If you're hungry, there's some cat litter for you in the corner.

Chester: Ooh! Nothing but the finest in this house!

Chester scurries away to the corner. Critic puts his phone away and sits down in his chair to face the camera.

Critic: Shaymalan time!

TITLE CARD

Critic: (VO) The Shaymalan experience has become a family affair since we last saw him. He has two daughters now who've entered the world of entertainment! One [Ishana] became a director, definitely living up to the (Rotten Tomates score[1] for The Watchers) Shaymalan reputation, and the other [Saleka] became a singer-songwriter. It's easy to see how a director (The Watchers poster credit) can get attention from another director, but how does a future pop star get attention from a director? By combining her concert and his thriller together! Oh, you think I'm exaggerating, but those are his words!

Cut to an interview by M. Night himself.

M. Night Shaymalan: Could we combine the idea of a concert and an idea of a thriller together?

Saleka Shaymalan: We could do it in our kind of way that felt more "Shaymalan".

Cut to Mrs. Doubtfire. Daniel Hillard/Doubtfire (Robin Williams) stands grimacing at poolside.

Mrs. Doubtfire: (teeth clenched) Oh, God, this is beyond obsession!

Critic: (VO) But how do you combine these two in such a natural, totally believable way?

Cut to news footage featuring people in Washington Redskins (now Washington Commanders) attire being caught in by the FBI in-

Critic: (VO) Well, M. Night heard about a sting in the '80s called "Operation Flagship", where they told a bunch of people wanted on criminal warrants that they won tickets to a huge football game, only to find out later that it was an elaborate setup. Shaymalan thought what if he could do this for catching just one criminal at a concert for a popstar. Well, yeah, while the sting was pretty cool and it's neat to see just how far they went for it,-

The sting itself took place in a sparsely populated hotel room that looked more like timeshare presentations instead of an NFL-worthy event.

Critic: (VO) -look at it. This is hardly a megastar concert you could easily lose control of. But, whatever, movies. It's a fun concept; let's give 'em the benefit of a doubt for entertainment. Well, like many Shaymalan movies, it's entertaining for completely different reasons than it was probably intended. Not only is a-bare minimum-a third of this movie dedicated to his daughter a star-and, again, that's bare minimum-not only does everyone make the dumbest choices just so the movie could happen, but the criminal being hunted is the most obvious criminal you could literally pick out of-oh-a stadium of people watching a dedication tour to nepotism. It's bad Shaymalan season and I'm ready to hunt some awkwardness! (back to Critic) How crazy is it? Even people who love every movie ever made will go insane.

Critic picks his iPhone back up as Chester yells at the camera.

Chester: You're cuckoo, Mr. McCritic! They'll find out what you're doing soon enough!

Critic: Oh really? Watch this. (puts phone down, beckons to hall) Hey, everybody!

Jim and Heather lean toward Critic's doorway: guns high, oblivious grins.

Jim: Yeah?

Critic starts malevolently twitching again.

Critic: (definitely not normal) I'm...perfectly...normal...

Heather: You certainly are! Thanks for the reminder!

Jim: What a normal guy.

The two lean back out of frame. Critic picks his phone back up.

Critic: How about now?

Chester: (casually shrugs) I'm doomed.

Critic: (phone down) This is Trap.

Chester: (VO) BOOOOOOOO!

Critic slams his fist on the phone.

Chester: (VO) Ow! Why did that hurt me?

STINGER

Rachel: Let's finish Riley's pie...

To be continued...

  1. Certified Rotten: 32% Critic Rating, 50% Audience.Consensus: "Heavy on eerie mood but undone by an obtuse script, The Watchers can only hold the gaze for so long before tedium sets in."
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