April 14, 2012
(Optimus Prime, played by Doug Walker, walks through Anime St. Louis)
Narrator: (voiced by Doug, mimicking "The Transformers" narrator) Last time on "Transformers," Optimus Prime (Pictures of a contract and Michael Bay are shown, then clips of the "Transformers" movie are briefly shown) sold his soul to the Devil, better known to humanity as Michael Bay in exchange for 3 hit movies, a shitload of cash, and a new found popularity in the public eye; ("Transformers", "Revenge of the Fallen" and "Dark of the Moon" film posters are shown, before showing clips of the latter) but little did he know that the movies would only get worse and worse, leading his audience to an ungodly amount of boredom and stupidity.
(Back to Anime St. Louis)
Narrator: Still popular and still rich, Prime finds himself hanging onto little dignity and street cred. To make things worse, Bay has lost his connections to the geek community due to rumored changes to the (A picture of the words "Racist Alien Big Boobied Explosions!" written over the crossed-out TMNT logo is shown) Ninja Turtles franchise. (Back to Anime St. Louis) So Prime has been sent out to rebuild the hype for "Transformers 4: Explosion of the Boobs". (Title appears on the bottom of the screen) He has been sent to Anime St. Louis with his agent to recruit extras for his next movie. (groans)
Optimus Prime: Greetings, humanity! I am Optimus Prime! Who wants to see explosions?
OP: Who wants to see giant robots?
(Crown cheers again)
OP: Who wants to see racial stereotypes exploited to an embarrassing degree?
(Crowd cheers yet again)
OP: Who wants to see hot ladies insultingly objectified with no identifiable intelligence or personality?
(Crowd cheers again, even the women oddly enough)
OP: Whoa. Even women cheered that one. Well, who wants to see Shia LaBeouf?
Crowd Member: Ye-- Oh... (immediately puts down hand after realizing he is the only one, some people are snickering)
OP: Alright! Alright! There's some hope for you yet. Well, we're having auditions for Transformers 4...
(Crowd cheers even louder than before, but OP sighs in disappointment)
(Cut to OP sitting beside his agent Jerry, played by Brad Jones, and observing the auditions)
Narrator: The auditions did not go well.
Auditioner #1: No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Jerry: Well, he's no Shia LaBeouf, but he might be able to pull off Carrot Top.
(Auditioner #2 is shown)
OP: No! No! You're trying to think. Bay doesn't like that. Just drape yourself a car and look hot.
(Auditioner #2 tries to drape herself)
OP: What? You showed up to a Micheal Bay audition, and you didn't bring a car to drape yourself over?
(Auditioner #2 shrugs)
OP: Well, surely you have a motorcycle in your pocket that you can press your breasts against.
(Auditioner #2 looked confused)
(Auditioner #2 leaves and Auditioner #3 is shown)
OP: Alright, you're the sassy best friend.
(Auditioner #3 dances like a sassy retard, OP sighs in despair, and "The Transformers" Autobot segue is shown)
OP: Christ, Jerry! Did you see the look on their faces when I mentioned the movie? All that misguided optimism? It's like telling a blind kid they're going to pet a puppy, when really it's a porcupine.
Jerry: Look, the product sells, and you're still popular.
OP: (shaking his head) So is "Jersey Shore."
Jerry: Your last film grossed $1,123,000,000 worldwide.
OP: But at what cost, Jerry? At what cost?
Jerry: I told you: $1,123,000,000 worldwide. Now get some sleep. We got more auditions to get through. I'm gonna go do coke off a prostitute who's also doing coke in a hot tub.
OP: That's not physically possible.
Jerry: I'll find a way.
(Jerry leaves and OP sighs)
OP: It wasn't always like this. I used to have credibility, dignity, a hit show that brought joy to millions of children around the world, and not just horny mentally castrated teenagers. These were the days of the original "Transformer" cartoon.
("The Transformers" logo and clips are shown)
OP (voiceover): Oh, it was violent, and the writing wasn't exactly Shakespeare, but we had a connection to our young audience, an exciting connection that, while not deep or complex per say, supplied an onslaught of creativity, simple fun, and exciting adventure. You may mock its corniness at times, but I assure you, there is more here than Micheal Bay has ever put into his perverted sequels.
OP: Don't believe me? Well then allow Optimus Prime to show you.
(The first episode begins)
OP (v/o): The 1st episode, entitled "More Than Meets the Eye," gave us the backstory on our proud history.
Narrator (The Transformers): On the planet Cybertron, intelligent robots that could think and feel inhabited the cities. They were called Autobots and Decepticons. But the brutal Decepticons were driven by a single goal: Total Domination!
OP: In hindsight, we probably should've some that coming. I mean they were called Decepticons. Kind of obvious, but we were declaring war at the time on the Trustworthians. That was probably stupid too.
OP (v/o): We see two Autobots, Wheeljack and Bumblebee, ride through a pretty deserted Cybertron, until they come across the Decepticons.
Starscream: After them!
(Two Decepticons transform into their vehicle forms and chase Wheeljack and Bumblebee, trying to shoot them, but fail)
OP (v/o): Like many Transformers, they brilliantly set their guns to shoot everything around the target, except the target. We feel that gave the opponent a fighting chance.
(Jazz transforms in front of Optimus Prime)
(NOTE: OP - in the review; Optimus - in the cartoon)
Optimus: Any luck, Jazz?
Jazz: Negative. No sight of the Cybertrons blacker than the inside of a drag-shaft.
OP: I'm still not sure why we hired Bill Cosby* to do the voice of Jazz.
- It's really the late Scatman Crothers doing the voice of Jazz.
Jazz: (voiced by Doug, mimicking Bill Cosby) You see the thing about the Decepticons is that they're very deceitful. So, while we talk about our plans to find a new energy source, a metal bird named Laserbeak might be listening to us right now-ah-ah-ah.
OP (v/o): Sure enough, the Decepticons, lead by Megatron, are given the information by Laserbeak and his master Soundwave.
Soundwave: Autobots are set to launch Megatron.
Megatron: As are we.
Starscream: The Autobots would've lost eons ago if I'd been calling the shots,
Megatron: Starscream, only a select few ever lead.
Starscream: My time will come, Megatron.
Megatron: Never! Never! Prepare to blast off.
OP: Now you might be wondering why a guy who clearly stated he was going to betray him would be allowed to be kept in...because he makes great cookies.
(A picture of Starscream presenting cookies is shown)
NC (v/o): (mimicking Starscream) Starscream cookies are more than meets the icing!
NC (v/o): (mimicking Megatron) You're wrong, Starscream.
NC (v/o): (mimicking Starscream) I'm always wrong!
OP (v/o): So, while we proud Autobots try to leave Cybertron for a new energy source, the Decepticons attack, thus losing control, leading us to crash on the planet known as Earth. This doesn't put our incredible technologically advanced bodies out of commission for long… just four million years.
OP: What do you want? Our boot-up system was Window 7! I'm surprised we woke up this fast!
OP (v/o): The Decepticons woke first and tried to destroy our remains while looking for new sources of energy. They do this to still try and take control of Cybertron, which I'm sure is exactly the same right after we left.
OP: Four million years... nothing much happens in that time.
OP (v/o): But we escaped and spread out, thus locating the Decepticons trying to find a way to harness energy.
Megatron: I will plunder and steal its precious resources. By leading us to this planet, the Autobots have sealed their own doom.
(Cliffjumper aims his gun at Megatron)
Hound: Cliffjumper, what are you doing?
Cliffjumper: I've got Megatron dead-center in my view finder.
(Cliffjumper fires, but misses)
OP (v/o): It should be noted that the term "dead-center in my view finder" is...
OP: ...an Autobot phrase meaning, "slightly to the left, but I'm going to shoot anyway." We Autobots are proud of that phrase.
OP (v/o): But they did manage to work their way back to the Autobots and tell us of the Decepticons evil plans. We, of course, leapt into action.
Optimus: Organize a battle unit. We're going after them.
OP (v/o): Admit it, you could here that sound-effect for hours.
OP (v/o): If you could choose the sound of your orgasm, it would be that sound and you know it.
(Clips from When Harry met Sally are shown)
Sally: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
(Sally orgasms and moans for air, with the transforming sound effect representing her orgasm)
OP (v/o): Of course, it is made better by the calling out of our awesome names.
Jazz: Trailbreaker! Wheeljack! Ironhide! Mirage! Sunstreaker! Sideswipe!
OP: Litte known fact, here are some of the other kick-ass names that were not used for other Transformers… (clears throat)
OP (v/o): Cold-Iron, Metal-Stab, Violent-Speed, Dick-Thrust, Nut-Jab, Jesus-Punch, Bill, and Tit-Tackler.
OP: I'm particularly sad that one didn't make it in.
OP (v/o): So the Decepticons try to steal the energy from an oil drill where a kid named Spike and his father, Sparkplug, god, and I thought our names were weird, notice the attack.
Sparkplug: Look! Up there!
(The Decepticons land on the oil drill)
Sparkplug: What is it?
Spike: What are they?
OP (v/o): But, thankfully, they use their brilliant human ingenuity and fight them the best way they know how: throwing things.
(The humans throw stuff at the Decepticons)
Croc (from Batman: The Animated Series): Hit it with a rock!
(Thundercracker pins Sparkplug against a wall)
Spike: Stop! Let go of my dad!
(Spike strikes Rumble, but Rumble pushes Spike back)
OP: Wow! I forgot how embarrassing that scene was for him.
(Same scene is replayed)
OP (v/o): He gave you like a solid second look of shame and then swat you like a mosquito.
Spike: Let go of my dad!
(Spike strikes Rumble, but Rumble *now with a dubbed Arnold Schwarzenegger voice from Commando* pushes Spike back)
Rumble (as Matrix from Commando): Fuck YOU, asshole. (punch sound effect)
OP: I am now convinced that if Spike was an Autobot, his Transformer name would be..."Pussy Pillow". (pause) A name of great shame to say the least.
OP (v/o): So we Autobots come in to save Sparkplug and Pussy Pillow when Megatron suddenly transforms into the "Duck Hunt" gun.
(The Autobots and Decepticons have a shootout)
Megatron: Have a nice swim!
(Megatron destroys the oil rig with his rocket launcher)
OP (v/o): Luckily, only 2 people were on that oil rig--that's a story we're going with if we wanna continue children's programming indication--and we save them just in time for "Part 2" of the story arc. This begins with Spike writing like a girl in his journal describing his predicament.
Spike: Autobots are a highly-advanced form of robot. I don't really know if their from the past or the future, but they can think...and have real feelings.
OP: (facepalms) If Micheal Bay were here right now, he'd have two annoying parents come in not knowing how to react when you eat a pot-brownie.
Trailbreaker: Spike here wants to know how we transform, Hound.
Hound: Easy, like this
Spike: What other tricks can you do?
Mirage: Try this one, Spike. Now you see me...
Mirage: ...now you don't!
(Mirage reappears somewhere else)
Mirage: Over here!
OP (v/o): Now of course you might be asking yourself why the hell we don't just use that technique about a bajillion other times in the show. Well, I think the real question is, "How can Soundwave transform from a handheld tape-deck into a 2-story monstrosity?" We Autobots proudly honor the code of equal value proportions...except for the cargo I'm carrying as a truck that seems to disappear and reappear at will.
OP: You may also be wondering what I'm carrying inside that cargo that's so important to constantly keep around. Well, I'll tell you: Starscream cookies.
(Starscream cookies picture)
NC (v/o): (mimicking Starscream) And the sprinkles on top are simply to die for.
NC (v/o): (mimicking Megatron) Starscream!!!
NC (v/o): (mimicking Starscream) Oh, just let me cook, bitch!
OP (v/o): Spike discovers, however, that Soundwave has snuck in, and thus, he pushes the alarm that is in no way entitled "Alarm" (smart kid), which forces him to leave his Thundercat, Ravage, behind.
(Ravage gets captured in a cage)
Optimus: We got 'im.
(Back to the review, a knock is heard from the door with Jerry's voice on the other side)
Jerry: Hey, you up yet?
OP: Oh no! My agent can't know I'm bad-mouthing the movie and praising the other show as better.
(Jerry begins to open door, while OP backs his head as the screen fades to the eyecatch, with OP running around, only to be knocked down by the Autobots logo.)
Narrator (The Transformers): "The Transformers" will return after these messages.
- And the commercials begin*
(After the commercials, the screen returns to the eyecatch, with OP smoking a cigar, until he turns to the camera and gets into his fighting position.)
Narrator (The Transformers): We now return to "The Transformers".
(Jerry opens the door)
OP: I must use my powers of disguise to blend in. Autobot! Transform!
(OP transforms, just as Jerry enters and looks around for OP.)
Jerry: Aw, gee! I wonder where he could be? He's such a master of camouflage, he could be anywhere. So he's obviously THIS LAMP!
(He attacks a lamp)
Jerry: Come! Come! Trans! Transform! Come on! Transform! All right! Well, if you're in here, I'll just be downstairs in the little bed.
(Jerry leaves, as OP transforms from under the covers.)
OP: Anyway, so Ravage...
OP (v/o): …is captured, but we figure out the Decepticons are gonna try and get more energy from a dam.
Megatron: Soundwave, prepare the Energon cubes.
(Soundwave unloads Energon cubes from is body)
OP (v/o): So as you can see, they're being attacked by "Cubans".
(The crowd boos at OP)
OP: Come on! That joke killed on Cybertron!
OP (v/o): So Starscream uses one of his deadliest weapons--a sling shot (wow, I think the only thing we didn't make a toy out of was the actual toy)--which of course upsets Megatron!
Megatron: You fool, Starscream! Help save the Energon cubes! Get them out of here!
(Optimus knocks Megatron out of a window and onto the dam)
Optimus: You're old, Megatron! Yesterday's model: Junk! That's what you are! Junk!
OP: Whoa! Did I really just use the "J" word?
Optimus: You destroy everything you touch, Megatron!
Megatron: Because everything I touch… is food for my hunger… my hunger for power!
Optimus: No! I'm gonna end your hunger once and for all!
Megatron: Almost, Prime! But almost doesn't get the job done! You can't stop me!
OP (v/o): You might be thinking to yourself, "These punchy one-liners go just a hit too long in this show." But, actually, believe it or not, this was the edited version. Here's the longer cut:
Optimus: You destroy everything you touch, Megatron!
Megatron: Because everything I touch...is food for my hunger...my hunger for power!
Optimus: No! I'm gonna end your hunger once and for all!
NC (v/o): (mimicking Megatron): My hunger is a hunger that can never be filled!
OP (v/o): Then I'll fill you hunger's hunger with the hungry taste of victory!
NC (v/o): (mimicking Megatron): Victory for MY hunger's hunger which hungers for the hungry taste of the hunger's hunger that hungers at the belly for all those who hunger for hunger's hunger.
OP (v/o): I...can't think of anymore sentences with the word "hunger" in it.
NC (v/o): (mimicking Megatron): That's why you suck! Die!
(Megatron knocks OP off the dam and into the water)
OP (v/o): The Autobots come to my aid, as well as--big shock--Pussy-Pillow here.
(Hound massages Spike's back, as Spike begins to recover by coughing.)
Hound: Easy, Spike.
OP (v/o): Oh! Oh, dear! Oh...
OP: ...oh! I should've caught that! Yes, that looks very suggestive.
OP (v/o): Yeah, we're not doing the children's syndication route without that scene being edited. I am deeply ashamed.
(Hound massages Spike's through the sexy music)
OP: You Know, oddly enough, playing that isn't helping.
OP (v/o): Meanwhile, Starscream and Megatron bitch at each other again like a senile couple. I never did understand why he didn't just propose.
Starscream: Testing the Energon cubes! They work!
Megatron: Of course they work!
Starscream: You didn't know! You never tested them! I proved it!
Megatron: You only proved your defective mentality! You've set us back!
(Megatron destroys the turret gun)
OP: Not even his cookies can get him out of this one.
(The Starscream cookies picture is shown one more time)
NC (v/o): (mimicking Starscream): With just a dash of--
NC (v/o): (mimicking Megatron): STARSCREAM!!!
(Megatron beats up Starscream off screen)
OP: Wow...that was dark.
OP (vocieover): The Decepticons try to get energy from a mineshaft, but luckily, we were there to stop them again. Unfortunately, they buried us under a ton of debris, but we escaped without a scratch on us, or the humans. So just to reiterate: Being crushed by a ton of rocks: No problem at all. Crashing the ship into a volcano: four-million year recovery.
OP: It is important to know this. If not, it would sound incredibly stupid.
OP (v/o): This leads to our conclusion in "Part 3". Here, we get the idea to fool Ravage into thinking we've revealed our plan and let him go, only to plan a trap to capture the Decepticons. But, they didn't fall for it because...we're really bad actors.
Hound: He told me Teletraan I's located a secret supply of rocket fuel.
Hound: Not to fall from here. About 140 kilometers due west. Why, there's enough rocket fuel at that base to make 4 trips to Cybertron.
OP: Can't believe he went to the actor's studio.
Starscream: Right on schedule, aren't we?
Megatron: No thanks to you, Starscream.
Starscream (voiced by NC): This is why our marriage counselor says we are never going to grow as a couple.
Megatron: You've also made clear your desire to replace me as leader of the Decepticons. Mistake Number 1.
OP (vo): Now of course, if I was leading, I would shoot the bastard and not wait for a mistake number 2. Hey look, Mistake Number 2.
(Starscream shoots Megatron)
Starscream: It's empty.
Megatron: Now, it's my turn. (He shoots Starscream in the arm)
Starscream: Megatron. Megatron!
Megatron: We attack the rocket base at sunrise.
OP (vo): And yet, he still lets him stay.
OP: You know, I'm aware of the phrase "Keep your friends close and keep your enemies closer." Me personally? I'm a fan of "Keep your friends close and kill the son-of-a-bitch whose been betraying you every single chance he gets." It is the Autobot way.
OP (vo): So the Decepticons use our trap and turn it into a trap on us, pulling off a "deceptive con," if you will.
OP: Seriously, I don't know how we didn't put it together that they were going to be the bad guys with that name. I mean, I'm so embarrassed.
OP (vo): They use this time to get enough energy to get back to Cybertron, while we prepare to make our final stand.
Soundwave: Space cruiser fueled and ready for departure.
Megatron: Prepare for blast-off.
OP (vo): You know, it just hit me: am I the only one who realizes that Soundwave does all the work? And yet, we know so little about him. I mean, doesn't someone with that intelligence and passion have any dreams?
Megatron: (voiced by NC) Soundwave, ready the army!
Soundwave: (voiced by NC's monotone voice) No. I am tired of doing all the work and having no personality. I want a story arc, something that gives me depth. I want a romance. Yes, a romantic comedy. Perhaps a relationship with a toaster. The toaster could be stuck up and high-class. I will be quirky and getting in to all sorts of antics. At first she doesn't like me, but then she admires my silly charm. We get to know each other better, but then she discovers I was keeping a secret the whole time. I try to explain I held this secret because I love her, but she is too emotional and filled with hate. So she decides to marry this snob, a real uptight guy with no funny lines. She is about to be wed at the altar, but then I come stumbling in after going through some sort of comedic chase. I plead myself to her, and at first it looks like she's not buying it. But then her eyes tear up, she turns around, gives me a hug, the snobby groom is angry. But then my comedic sidekick comes in and punches him. The crowd cheers. I tell the toaster I love her. She says she loves me. We decide to get married, but we do not show it onscreen because two weddings would just be repetitive. So we end with kind of an open ending, something like we're driving a convertible into the sunset or something. This leaves it open for a sequel. I want to be played by Zac Efron, and Natalie Portman as the toaster. There is a bit of an age difference, but I think she looks young enough so she can pull it off. Disney has shown interest. Garry Marshall is attached to direct. It will be called "Soundwaves of the Heart". It will be rated PG-13 for crude humor and adult situations, but nothing too bad. Just enough to let the male demographic know that it's edgy and will have some gross-out humor for them, and the female demographic will instantly be drawn to the toaster. They will be able to imagine themselves inserted into the role. It will be released in summer, preferably over a holiday weekend. It will break records, win awards, it will be the sleeper hit of the year.
Megatron: (vo) NO!
Soundwave: (monotone) Dammit.
OP (vo): So we have our epic battle, but it appears Megatron still gets away... Or does he?
Megatron: Total victory is within my grasp.
Starscream (holding Megatron at gunpoint): Not yours, Megatron!
Megatron: I see that you have learned nothing, Starscream!
OP: He learned nothi--?! If there was a book about how to learn nothing, your picture would be on the back of it! I can't believe we lost Cybertron to these bozos!
Starscream: And my time is now!
(Mirage pops in the ship from out of nowhere)
OP (v/o): But one of our Autobots sneaks aboard and sets the ship to fly into the ocean, sinking them into the very depths.
OP ("The Transformers"): Ready, Spike? It's almost time to blast off.
Spike: I'll be right there, Prime.
(Spike continues to write in his journal)
Spike (v/o): One more thing: I sure am glad we don't have to worry about Megatron and all those Decepticons anymore.