And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Toy Story 3."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
To infinity and be- Spoilers!
There's this little boy named Andy.
Only he's not a little boy anymore.
He is a grown, young man on his way to college!
And so he doesn't need his toys anymore! *gasps*
That's bullcrap! Who doesn't bring their toys to college?!
I brought my toys to college!
Wait a minute. I went to college?
Wait a minute. I had toys?
Wait a minute! ...I invented tuna??
So, all his toys are afraid they're gonna get thrown away.
So the toys make it over to a daycare center!
And all the toys are so excited!
They're like "Hooray! We're going to get played with!"
I got played with once! *long pause*
So the children come in, and they play with them way too hard.
And the toys are like "This sucks! We wanna go in the nice room with the nicer toys!"
And the other toys are like *glares and pokes*
(holds head) Owhoho!
So, they lock all our heroes inside these plastic cages.
And they grab Buzz Lightyear and tinker around with his gears!
So they control him by turning on the jerky idiot mode!
I think that's the mode Glenn Beck has been on for a while.
And so Buzz Lightyear keeps them all hostage!
But meanwhile, a Woody comes! *long pause* ...What?
And he tells all the toys that he is going to rescue them!
But the toys are like "You can't do that! There's an evil monkey who watches us!"
(Mimics monkey from "Family Guy")
But Woody's like "Don't worry! Slink and I will take care of him. Right, Slink?"
"You got it!"
"How come your voice sounds different?"
So, Woody and Slink stop the evil monkey.
And Mr. Potato Head gets out by turning himself into a Mr. Taco Head!
Hey hey! I remember Mr. Taco Head!
He was there when I dropped acid at Taco Bell.
But they still have to switch Buzz back to his original setting!
So Barbie tortures Ken, the super metrosexual, by tearing up all his clothes!
"No, please, don't rip up my jock strap! I won't be able to protect my non-existant genitalia!"
I had no genitalia once!
So Ken tells them how to fix Buzz.
But unfortunately they make him Spanish!
"Hello-oh. Me amo Spanish-oh. Oh."
But it turns out Jessie the cowgirl doesn't mind, because Spanish people are hot!
Just like Zorro...oh! *Does Spanish pose*
So they finally get Buzz Lightyear back to normal, but it looks like they're all going to be burned alive by a furnace!
Boy, "Toy Story" got really dark, didn'it?
I mean, it's like *sings* "You got a friend in me-" Burn alive! Burn until you rot in Hell! Ahhhhh! *spins around*
But then they're saved by the three little Martian dudes.
And then they all live happily ever af- Andy is selling us?!
But it turns out it's okay.
So, Andy gives the toys away to this little toddler girl.
And he's like "These are my toys! This is Rex, and Buzz, and Woody..."
"Now, Rex is strong. He'll look after you forever."
(sounding sad) "And Buzz is determined. He's the most determined spaceman around."
(sounding sadder) "And Woody... *sniffs, then talks in a squeaky voice* He'll never let you down. He's the most honorable, kindest wonderful cowboy you've ever seen-"
(during previous line) "Can I play with it now?"
"No! I'm having a mid-life crisis at 17, and I'm going to enjoy it! *runs in circles* Whee! I'm a child again! I'm a child again! I don't ever wanna grow up! I don't ever wanna grow up!"
But then college is like "We've got girls!"
(pretends to toss toys) "Oh, hell with these!"
So "Toy Story 3" is a wonderful, wonderful movie!
But sheesh guys, lighten up!
It's a cowboy and a spaceman, not "Lorenzo's Oil"!
Incidentally, did you know I was in that movie?
I was the oil.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I'll use it to buy some toys! ...Just not the toys that children play with.