Totally Spies!: The Movie
June 17, 2020
(The Channel Awesome logo and NC title sequence play)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. There truly is an art to disagreeing, isn't there?
NC (vo): If I was to, say, give my opinion a Star Wars movie...
(Cut then to an image of a woman with short hair clenching her fist and yelling angrily while fire rages in the background)
NC (vo): ...and people typed in all caps, "YOU'RE WRONG AND I'M GOING TO CIRCUMCISE YOU WITH A LIGHTSABER SCALPEL!"...
(Cut to an image of a man, probably a doctor, given the way he's dressed, shrugging in confusion)
NC (vo): ...it wouldn't mean much anymore, as it's kind of become the norm.
NC: (looking up in thought) I can't help but wonder if a fictional character (An image of an earlier version of NC appears) satirizing this way of communicating somehow played into this... (The image of the earlier NC disappears as the present NC waves dismissively) Probably not. However, if I was to, say, mock a show...
(Cut to a clip of NC's review of Kim Possible, showing a clip of some crudely-animated versions of Sam, Clover and Alex from Totally Spies)
NC (vo): ...past my time for being annoying...
(Cut to a shot of an enraged woman gnashing her teeth and clenching her fists)
NC (vo): ...and an overwhelming number of people came up to me and responded, in all their passion...
(Then cut to a second shot of the same woman, this time looking much calmer and rather depressed, actually)
NC (vo): ..."Eh, I kinda liked that show"...
NC: ...it weirdly gets me thinking, maybe there's something to reanalyze.
(Cut to a shot of a YouTube screen, displaying a video: the full showing of Totally Spies!: The Movie, which has 7.2M views)
NC (vo): And when a movie based on that show has over seven million hits on YouTube...
NC: ...it's definitely worth taking another look at.
(The title for the movie is shown, followed by footage of it)
NC (vo): Totally Spies!, the animated show running on and off from 2001 to 2014, piqued my interest at first because it was one of the few shows that borrowed from the style of anime. Remember, this was before (Shots of the following are superimposed...) Teen Titans and Avatar. So this was kind of a rare thing to see. I know you had (Shots of the following are superimposed...) Thundercats and Transformers, but you know what I'm talking about: the big eye, big mouth, big sweat beads... that style. That kind of thing was almost never shown on American television. But (sighs) when I watched the show about three dimwitted girls from Beverly Hills working with a spy agency to stop evildoers, I quickly picked up...
Clover: Okay, not to get all horoscope-y, but hello! Isn't this, like, the biggest...
NC: (shaking head) ...this wasn't my thing.
NC (vo): Years later, however, the show has gained quite a following. Do a search on YouTube, and you'll find videos with millions of views.
NC: (holding up two fingers) There's two things I've learned looking this over. One is...
(A shot of Totally Spies videos on YouTube is shown)
NC (vo): ...the videos with the most views have, shall we say, specific interests.
(We briefly are shown a shot of George Takei saying, "Oh, my, my, my!")
NC: (hastily) But the other thing is, I don't think that makes up the majority of the fan base. (Another Totally Spies video is shown in the corner, reading "Cheerleader Army") ...I don't think.
NC (vo): There seems to be a lot of (A montage of the following are superimposed...) cosplays, articles, fan videos, books, comics, games, all tied back to the successful series. I always saw them as a slightly less scary version of (image of...) Bratz, but seeing the following it has, there has to be more to it. So I'm looking over their most watched property online... (An image of the "Cat Fight!" video is superimposed) ...I'm assuming... their prequel film released in 2009 to see if there's something of value that holds up all these years later.
NC: So get out your man-eating compacts and your lip...stick...swords... I didn't watch the show. This is Totally Spies!: The Movie.
(The movie begins with a rock concert at the Hollywood Bowl)
NC (vo): We open with a giant crowd in Hollywood coming to see...
(He stops, however, as he sees the name of the person performing (as labeled on signs everywhere) is "ROB". NC looks over toward his brother in confusion)
Rob: You don't know everything about me.
NC (vo): But it looks like Rob is hypnotized before the show to walk outside and be abducted.
(As the UFO shines a light down on Rob, his eyes become glitchy)
Rob: Fabulous... (The light lifts Rob into the air)
NC: (as Rob) I'm finally allowed to be in the ThunderCats reboot... (The title for ThunderCats ROAR is shown in the corner) That one?! Fuck!
NC (vo): Cut to the next day, where we see Beverly Hills is still...Beverly Hills...
(A lady is seen calling her dog on her cell phone)
Lady: (whose voice sounds rather like a man speaking in a high pitch) Come on, sweetie, let's go for a walk.
(The camera pans down to reveal she has her dog, a poodle, on a leash, already set for the walk)
NC: (as writer) Greg, we need a lady's voice. Can you do something? (as "Greg") Um... (bad falsetto voice) Come on, sweetie, let's go for a walk. (as writer) Perfect. (as "Greg") Do you want to take take two? (as writer) It's the Totally Spies movie. (as "Greg", waving dismissively) Oh, okay.
NC (vo): ...as we one of the girls, named Alex, trying to find a gym.
Trainer: Submersive hydro-cycling...
(This involves a guy running a cycle in a tank filling up with water, while a carnivorous-looking fish swimming out into it, while the cyclist tries vainly to avoid it. Alex is nervous)
NC: You laugh, but I've seen this on Goop. (A shot of the company Goop is shown)
NC (vo): We then zoom out to see Earth and then...zoom back in to see another girl named Sam...
NC: (confused) ...just to remind you the planet still exists... Oh, who am I kidding? We need that reminder.
NC (vo): And we see her enter what's supposedly a bookstore.
Sam (voiced by Jennifer Hale): Can you tell me where you keep your books?
Store owner: Oh, we don't carry books anymore. They scare the customers away. Print is so last century.
NC: (as store owner) We only sell tweets. Most of them are about how people are stupid for not reading anymore.
NC (vo): Planet check number two... Is Google Earth just ADHD today? ...where we see the third girl, Clover, shopping for boots.
(Clover takes a pair of boots she finds and gives them to the store owner to buy)
Store owner: All you need to know is that they're too expensive for you.
(She starts to leave as a bolt of lightning strikes, zapping Clover and upsetting her)
Clover (voiced by Andrea Baker): That is, like, so rude!
(Later, she leaves the store, holding several bags full of purchases at once)
Clover: I just love Beverly Hills!
NC: Don't think I can count how many complexes were represented in that scene.
NC (vo): It looks like all three of them are being watched, as a laser from a satellite zaps a giant sushi roll and tries to squash them. (A shot of Cameron Poe is superimposed, as NC speaks in his voice) On any other show, that might seem strange.
(Suddenly, the sushi roll catches up with the girls and they wind up running on top of it)
Alex: We're not the only ones in trouble! (spots a pig trying to flee the sushi roll) Check out that poor little piggy!
NC: Okay, was this a creative writing assignment?
NC (vo): Combine giant sushi, spy girls and a pig all into one scene? If so...
(As we cut back to NC, the letters "A/F" appear on the side)
NC: ...that would be the first A and F combo I'd ever give. (looks confused)
NC (vo): It looks like they're masters of sushi-pig-saving ninjitsu, as they save the little tyke, and the three strangers introduce themselves.
Clover: (taking Sam and Alex's hands in hers) It's a pleasure to meet you both.
(A closeup of Sam's head covers her side of the screen)
Sam: Yeah! We can go have a ginger avocado milkshake to forget our emotions.
NC: (listlessly) Thank God for that closeup. How else would I know that Sam...
NC (vo): ...secretly saw herself as bigger than the other two, leading her insecurities to self-defeating delusions of grandeur?
(Suddenly, he hears a phone voice talking to him and he listens intently)
NC: Oh, or it's just style for the sake of style, but I give this film more credit.
(Sam's closeup is accompanied by a shot of director Ingmar Bergman)
NC (vo): Bergman's ghost is watching with great interest.
(Cut then to a bratty girl named Mandy, who is driving a convertible, drives up to the high school she goes to)
Mandy (voiced, like Sam, by Jennifer Hale): Hello! I am not getting any younger, losers!
(A fellow high schooler runs up and opens her door for her)
NC (vo): A spoiled brat named Mandy drives onto the scene to hammer home the message that being self-absorbed is bad when you're not the lead, but good when you are.
(Mandy sees another high school student is wearing a polka-dot shirt under his sweater and looks away in disgust)
Mandy: I have a polka-dot-on-stripe restraining order which you have clearly just violated!
NC: The secret to making your characters less annoying: place them against even more annoying.
One of Mandy's friends: So, what's on the agenda for the first day of school, Mandy? Trample the football captain's heart?
NC: Someone tell Edward Norton he's been out-nasaled.
NC (vo): All new students are required to go to the principal's office, which just happens to be only our three leads.
(The stern-looking, elderly principal, who wears a monocle, looks down at Sam, Clover and Alex, who have all fallen on the floor in a heap from trying to all squeeze into the principal's office at once)
Principal: I don't suppose you ladies (The three get up and look at her nervously) could break away from your fraternizing to meet your new principal!
NC (vo; as principal): I just got done captaining an airship, fighting a bug army, and divorcing the Monopoly guy. I took his monocle; that's why everyone thinks he has one.
Principal: Just because you're new here does not mean you'll get any special treatment. I'll be watching you.
NC: (laughs and crosses arms) Well, if school comedies have taught me anything, it's they're gonna get along great. And she puts her dick in a pie.
NC (vo): Mandy pretends to befriend the new girls by getting them a latte with extra foam.
(Mandy turns on the latte dispenser, which sprays out a huge wave of foam at Sam, Clover and Alex, which pushes them out of the school building, and they crash into a tree outside)
NC: Schools often put projectile foam over student safety. There's simply no workaround.
(Clover gets out of her soaked boots and holds up her foot)
Clover: No worries. I'm totally prepped for such an unfortunate sitch. (wiggles her toes)
NC: (grinning) Much like Sin City, this scene was...
(As Clover's scene replays, the words "This Scene Directed By Quentin Tarantino" pop up)
NC (vo): ...briefly directed by Quentin Tarantino.
(Clover takes Sam and Alex to her locker room and pushes a button. The locker extends outward, revealing a closet full of clothes)
NC (vo): Thankfully, it looks like Clover has a stretch closet in her locker...
NC: This school needs to check things more.
NC (vo): ...but the others lockers suck them into an underground location. I...stand by my previous statement.
Man: I'm not so sure these girls have what it takes to be spies, Jerry.
Jerry (voiced by Adrian Truss): I agree, they're a bit rough around the edges, but I assure you, they're WOOHP-worthy.
NC: (massaging his forehead) I thought we agreed we don't call women that anymore. (shakes head)
NC (vo): Actually, WOOHP is the name of a secret agency, and they assume that the girls' skills and assuming demeanor...
(Alex pushes a button on a random device, and it fires lasers in all directions as she tries to get control of it while everyone else ducks to avoid being zapped)
NC (vo): ...very unassuming demeanor...might be perfect spy material.
Alex: (to the other girls, about the agents) I told you we were abducted by aliens!
Jerry: Actually, the aliens are down in the freezer.
(Jerry pushes a button on his remote control, and a door opens, revealing aliens inside. The girls scream, with their hair standing up on end)
NC: (shrugs) That's pretty funny.
Jerry: I'm Jerry (gestures toward his accomplice) and this is Tad. (The camera cuts to a closeup of his eyes) Welcome to WOOHP, girls.
NC: What, his eyelashes have that line? What was that?
Jerry: Not only did I arrange for you to be transferred to Bev High, but I also arranged the sushi test. After monitoring you, Sam and Alex for years, I have determined that you have quite an aptitude for espionage.
NC: (shaking head nervously) There are so many things not okay with this.
NC (vo): The girls seem to have the same vibe and they turn down the offer to be spies.
Jerry: Under no condition are you to mention what you've seen or heard here to anyone.
Clover: You'll have us eliminated? (Everyone laughs)
Jerry: Of course not. We stopped doing that in the '90s.
NC: (as Jerry) Ever wonder what happened to Joey Lawrence?
NC (vo): They're returned back to school, but at the local mall, a strange attraction called the Fabulizer claims it can give anyone the makeover they've always wanted.
Voice on screen: The perfectly-arched right eyebrow, custom-engineered to a sumptuous 47.2-degree angle...
NC (vo): The impossible act of them protruding over your bangs naturally signals you're either diseased (A shot of Sailor Moon is shown in the corner) or a Sailor Scout.
(Everyone in the mall stampedes over to the Fabulizer)
NC (vo): Of course, a ton of people flock to it, as later that night, Sam has a dream.
(In this dream, Jerry appears, floating above Sam as she tries to run)
Jerry: You can't run away! You will be spies!
(It is revealed that Sam is running on Jerry's body, as he raises his head up to look at her)
Jerry: Spies! (drops a pink cloth on Sam) Spies! Spies!
NC: (as Sam) I FaceTime with Ari Aster for only two minutes! These are the dreams I have when I do that?!
NC (vo): It looks like WOOHP continues to infiltrate the girls' lives until they decide they've had enough and agree to work with them. They go through intense training and eventually find they like working together and become official spies.
Man: (coming into room with them and giving a thumbs-up) It's gonna be a pleasure working with you.
Clover: (running up and swooning over him) The pleasure's all mine! (to Jerry) Are there any WOOHP rules against interoffice romance, Jer?
NC (vo; as Jerry): For the last time, I'm taken, Clover. (normal) They get started on their first mission, locating various celebrities who mysteriously vanished.
Jerry: Peppy Wolfman.
Alex: (excitedly) Hey, I heard all about this guy! He's a pet motivational speaker!
NC: Anyone feel like what was satire back then would just be an app today?
(As he says this, a shot of an app is shown in the corner, showing a dog wearing a sombrero and glasses, along with the words "BARK LIKE YOU MEAN IT!")
NC (vo): The girls draw up some upgrades to their uniforms...
(Clover's concepts include a superhero outfit and a Sailor Moon-type outfit)
Jerry: No! No, no, no. (shakes head) I don't think so.
NC: (as Jerry) We're already ripping off Kim Possible; keep the lawsuits to a minimum.
NC (vo): ...and they finally agree on their classic design.
(Said classic designs, colorful jumpsuits appear on the girls, with Sam in green, Clover in red, and Alex in yellow)
Jerry: Now, for your new gadgets: (A makeup compact-like device appears) the com-powder, (Clover takes it eagerly) a communication device supercomputer, discreetly concealed in the shape of a makeup compact.
NC: (as Jerry) Your next toy– I mean, toy– I mean, link here–
(A shot of a Totally Spies compact like the one Jerry showed is shown, with a price of $14.99 and the website: YouWillBeUglyIfYouDontGetThis.com)
NC: (as Jerry) I mean, gadget...
NC (vo): They're sent to the house of the motivational pet speaker and sneak in to get some answers.
Clover: It's mission time!
(Completely ignoring the obviously-open gate, she fires a grappling hook at the iron fence and uses it to hoist herself over the fence and onto the property, where she crawls along the ground determinedly)
NC: The gate was (A shot of the open gate is shown in the corner) open, you dumbass.
(The girls disguise themselves as a family, with Sam dressed as the father (complete with mustache), Clover as the mother, and Alex as the daughter)
NC (vo): They disguise themselves as a family and decide all that's missing is a pet.
(Alex discreetly whistles into her teddy bear-shaped backpack and out pops the little pig from earlier)
Clover: (disgusted) P.U.! (points at pig) What are you still doing with that thing, Alex?!
NC: (raises hand) Follow-up question: it's been days.
NC (vo): How many animal cruelty laws have you broken?
NC: Oh! That reminds me, it's been a week. I should let him out.
(He gets up from his chair and goes over to a closet. He lets out his cat Buster)
NC: That'll teach you not to purr when you like things.
(On that note, we got to a commercial. Upon return, the movie resumes with the spies, disguised as a family, entering the pet motivational speaker's house)
NC (vo): The girls enter the pet motivational speaker's house and use the pig as a distraction.
(The pig, held by Alex, runs out into the crowd of people gathered around. It gets underfoot and startles a dog and cat held by some of the people (some of whom wear '80s-style attire) into chasing each other)
NC: (shakes head) Always great when cartoon writers (makes an A-OK sign) nail fashion trends.
NC (vo): They look like the thrown-out designs of (A shot of the newer "New Warriors" is shown) the "New Warriors" reboot.
NC: Yes, some designs were thrown out.
(The girls reach Peppy Wolfman's main room)
Sam: It's locked.
(Clover takes out some spray and fills the room with it. The door opens and the girls enter through the cloud made by the spray (making magic sounds as they go through), with Clover being startled as the door closes behind her abruptly)
Clover: (almost losing balance) Whoa! Hey!
NC: Didn't know spy gadgets included magic.
(Now wearing their jumpsuits, the girls look around)
NC (vo): They sneak into his office and try looking for clues.
Clover: (lying on a couch in the corner) Man, this spying stuff is a lot harder than I thought.
(Alex sees a portrait of Peppy Wolfman and knocks on it, trying to get its attention)
NC (vo): Really? (A green arrow appears, pointing to the painting's face) That's not even worth a "huh"?
(Sam brings out a com-powder and turns it on. The mirror becomes a small screen, showing Peppy leaning back in his chair with his feet on his desk)
NC (vo): They look at the security camera and find he used the Fabulizer before disappearing. So they go to one of the Fabulizer locations and discover its popularity is growing faster and faster.
(A woman appears on the screen, dressed (and posing) like the Mona Lisa)
Mona Lisa-like woman: Do you long to be more popular at school? Do you desire the joy of being a ten over the pain of being a two?
NC: (as this woman) In this world where absolutely...
NC (vo; as this woman): ...no ugly people exist? Transform yourself from beautiful to (Shots of various ugly-looking people are superimposed) so hideous you must have money!
(Everyone flips their hair, which now has a blond front on it)
NC (vo): The spies report back to WOOHP, realizing they're missing their classes.
Jerry: (appearing as a hologram on a com-powder) WOOHP has hi-tech holograms standing in for you.
(A hologram of Sam is shown at the school library, while another of Alex is seen running the track – going right through the hurdles instead of jumping over them)
NC: Yeah, okay, there's a decent laugh every once in a while.
NC (vo): Regardless, they're asked to be flown back to school while they study up on a trigonometry test.
(On a WOOHP plane, Sam is writing an equation on a virtual blackboard as Clover, Alex and a WOOHP agent look on)
Sam: The square of the length of the side opposite the right angle, which we call the hypotenuse, is equal to the sum of the squares of the lengths of the two other sides?
NC: (shrugs) Well, she's smarter than the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.
(Cut to a clip of that movie, where the Scarecrow just received his diploma from the Wizard for his brain)
Scarecrow: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
NC: That's a right triangle and a hypotenuse. YOUR MISSION WAS IN VAIN!
NC (vo): Their plane is attacked, though, so they try to outmaneuver them.
(The enemy plane fires a missile at the WOOHP plane, but they outmaneuver them, and the missile instead hits a dog-shaped balloon, with a couple making out in the basket. The balloon inflates and then explodes, flying away)
NC: (nonplussed) Do they just write in their script...
(Cut to a shot of the script for the movie which just reads "THINGS!" over and over again)
NC (vo): ..."things, things, thing-thing-things, things"?
NC: That's the only way to explain some of this imagery!
NC (vo): They put on a cloaking device, though, and escape. They land back at the school and try not to be caught by the principal, resulting in...this.
(The girls try to hide from the principal by blending into the walls and making Egyptian movement poses, while what sounds like "Walk Like an Egyptian" plays in the background)
NC: (shaking head) Problematic.
NC (vo): The spies quickly realize, though, everyone at school has gotten a makeover from the Fabulizer. Suspecting a connection to the disappearances, they decide to follow Mandy, who's also been fabulized, but the principal says she found Sam's hair in a hole they cut through the wall, and she gets detention.
Principal: (singsong voice) But I've got the goods on you! (holds up the aforementioned strand of Sam's red hair)
NC: A shame Sam is the only redhead in the entire school...
(A shot of the crowd of fabulized students is shown, with green arrows pointing to three of them with red hair)
NC (vo): HAI?!
Mandy: Tragically unfashionable and a criminal!
(A bolt of lightning zaps Sam and she glowers darkly at Mandy. Then smash cut to a black screen with the following words written on it: "Mandy's Head was Never Found." Then cut back to the movie again, as Sam tries to attack Mandy, only to be restrained by Clover and Alex, who drag her away)
NC (vo): No, they hold her back and proceed to spy on Mandy to see if anything happens. Something summons her outside, though, and they discover she's not alone. A ship sucks them all up and takes them to a giant space spa. (A shot of WALL-E is shown in the corner, depicting the morbidly obese people on the Axiom) WALL-E did it!
Alex: (pointing) There's Peppy Wolfman and Rob Heartthrob playing beach volleyball together!
NC (vo): They find all the vanished people on board, as well as the mastermind behind everything: a failed model named (in the voice of Wakko Warner, who appears off to the side) Fabu!
Clover: He's from the Top Ten Failed Models of All Time!
(There is a flashback to Fabu's modeling career, which ends when a feather boa he wears causes him to sneeze so hard that all his clothes fall off, leaving standing in his underwear. He becomes quite embarrassed)
Alex: Fabu was ranked number one, on account of his career lasted only five minutes – literally!
NC: Move over, (image of the following appears in the corner...) Two-Face; (crosses arms) a new psychological deep dive of a villain is in town. (nods)
Fabu (voiced by Joris Jarsky): (addressing the crowd) With all of you adopting a fabulized look, I can blow up the Earth and eliminate the non-fabulous!
NC: Ah, so it's all clever commentary on– (The words "IT'S JUST DUMB" pop up in yellow) Yeah, it's just dumb.
Man: (seeing the spies and pointing at them; Russian accent) You are intruder!
NC (vo): The spies are spotted and they suit up for action...running away.
(The girls run, but they come to a dead end and gasp. Fabu's goons spot them and they fight)
NC (vo): They get through honestly a pretty funny fight sequence and they arrive in a room of mirrors. (as Admiral Piett, who is shown in the corner) It's an older cliche, sir, but it checks out.
(Suddenly, the mirrors surround the spies, trapping them in. One of the goons from earlier appears, cackling)
NC (vo): Well, thank God they did nothing with that, and they just encase them in giant tubes.
Fabu: Yuri was kind enough to build me Fabutopia and the Fabulizer.
Clover: "Vagilizer" is more like it.
NC: (stunned) I gotta hear that again!
(He pushes a button and the scene replays)
Clover: "Vagilizer" is more like it.
NC: (looking uncomfortable) Maybe it's because they're trapped in giant vibrators, but we did all hear the same thing, right? (nods)
Clover: Conformity is so three years ago!
Sam: 'Cause when everyone looks the same, beauty has no meaning!
NC (vo): People obsessed with looking good saying it doesn't matter how you look. Isn't that the exact definition of (Instagram logo is superimposed) Instagram? Speaking of which, he [Fabu] says he's gonna make them ugly and launch them into space, but worse, he's gonna make them ugly!
(Fabu pushes a button and the girls in the capsules rotate around briefly. When they rotate back, Alex has spots on her face, Sam's skin has turned a pale shade of green, and Clover has a huge, bushy unibrow. They all scream at the sight of each other)
NC: Uh, have you ever met a high school boy? You're still bangable.
NC (vo): Tad arrives before they're launched into space just to tell them he's a double agent and he's not gonna do anything about it.
Clover: ...someone who seems so nice could turn out to be such a lame-o?
Tad: Naïve, much? Apparently, you've never heard of a double agent.
NC: (confused) Is he technically mansplaining mansplaining? I ironically need it mansplained.
NC (vo): They use their spy gum to escape and get ready to save all of Planet Earth. But priorities first.
Clover: I am not saving anyone until I get my face back!
(Clover is back in her capsule, rotating around briefly, removing her thick unibrow, much to her relief as she looks herself in her compact)
Clover: And now that's more like it.
NC: You really do put the "AW!" in "awful".
NC (vo): Tad tries stopping Fabu, but gets his ass handed to him.
Clover: (sarcastically) Wow, Tad, you're doing a real bang-up job on the mission you hijacked from us!
Fabu: (oddly elated, throwing up arms) I don't understand! How did you girls escape?
NC: (confused) Why was he smiling when he said that?
NC (vo): They fight them off, but the missile is launched to blow up the Earth.
(The spies cling to the missile as it heads through space toward the Earth. They spot Fabu and his cat in an escape pod)
Alex: Look! There goes Fabu in another one of his tricked-out rides!
Fabu: (waving) Bye-bye, little spies! (laughs evilly, as does his cat)
(As we cut back to NC, a shot of a petition to get Fabu's cat his own show is shown on the left, along with a shot of said cat on the right)
NC: Here's the petition to get that cat his own show. Don't act like we all weren't thinking it!
NC (vo): They try looking up the WOOHP guide for advice, but they find it's written in code, leading to another pretty funny bit.
Alex: Don't worry, guys, I think we can still use it!
(She repeatedly slams the book against the missile's electronic workings. Suddenly, the workings explode, and the missile stops heading for Earth and starts flying out of control. The girls scream)
NC: Aw, great! Now you're gonna blow up Mars! We were just about to call it (holds up two fingers) Earth II!
NC (vo): Jerry flies in to save them, though, and they get everyone off the station before the missile hits it.
Alex: Wait, there's Oinky! (The pig from earlier comes running towards her) RUN, OINKY, RUN!
(Suddenly, however, an explosion is edited in by NC, turning the pig into a package of bacon from Oscar Meyer)
NC: Aw, c'mon, we can be a little mean!
NC (vo): But they still have to catch Fabu, so they use their jetpacks to find him.
(The spies catch up with Fabu. Then, to the sound of the "warp whistle" from Super Mario Bros. 3, they unleash a tornado that sucks in Fabu's jet)
NC (vo): Fabu is caught, and the following day, they're introduced to Tad's replacement, Vincent.
Sam: (swooning) Hi, there!
Jerry: He's from our Paris office.
NC: (as Jerry) So anything we say is wrong and beneath him.
NC (vo): It looks like Alex and Clover get dates, too, with the guys they saved. But Sam still has detention with the principal, who suddenly has been replaced.
(The new principal, who is a man, runs into Sam as she runs toward the school building)
Principal: Are you Samantha? I've just reviewed your academic records and was quite impressed. I look forward to having you as one of my students.
NC: (as this new principal, holding up a piece of paper and adjusting glasses) Wait, sorry, I confused you with another Sam. You're expelled.
(In the movie, we cut to an igloo)
Alex (vo): What do you think happened to Ms. Scritch?
(Inside, we see the original principal, this Ms. Scritch, addressing several Inuit children, having been transferred here as punishment by the Beverly Hills school district for child abuse)
Ms. Scritch: (shivering) H-H-Hello, students. M-M-My name is M-Ms. Scritch.
NC: (as Ms. Scritch) I'll be teaching you Inuit history as taught from the movie (The poster for the following is shown off to the side...) North.
NC (vo): Mandy pulls up and demands the three of them clean the gunk off her windshield.
Clover: No probs! I hope you like extra foam.
(She holds up a grenade full of pomade. Sam and Alex gasp)
NC: (alarmed) SHIT GOT REAL!
(The grenade explodes (obviously edited in by NC, as it's realistic and not like the cartoon). Then the actual explosion in the cartoon is shown, revealing that the grenade was actually full of foamy soap suds which covers the car and Mandy and her friends in it. Mandy throws a tantrum)
NC (vo): Actually, it's a pomade grenade, and the spies are called on another mission immediately after.
(Jerry contacts them via their compacts. The spies then run off)
Sam: Look on the bright side, Clover: at least we're...
(The spies jump up in the air, now in their jumpsuits again)
All three: (in unison) ...BEST FRIENDS FOREVER! (All giggle)
NC: Yes, because that was...really called into jeopardy in this movie. It's like ending Batman with...
(The ending to Batman (1989) is shown)
Batman (voiced by NC): ..."At least my water bill is paid."
NC: I mean, it's true, but it...doesn't mean much here. (looks uncomfortable)
(Footage of the movie is shown one last time as NC provides his final thoughts)
NC (vo): And that was Totally Spies!: The Movie, and it's...
NC: (hesitates slightly) ...still not for me.
NC (vo): But just because it's not for me doesn't mean it's bad. Uh...for kids anyway. The animation is great, there's a decent chuckle every once in a while, and unlike something like Bratz, which glorifies shallow beauty traditions, this one kinda mocks them. The girls aren't that bright, but that's part of the joke. They're still capable of finding clever ways to solve problems, it's just with a self-absorbed cynicism. Honestly, the entire environment kinda has that vibe, as opposed to Kim Possible, where what was being satirized with the spy lifestyle, what's being satirized is the Beverly Hills lifestyle. I just... (sighs) still find them so annoying. But I can see how someone can enjoy growing up with this, and I personally don't think they're harmful. But what are your thoughts? Were they a high-larious trio you love to go on adventures with? Or were they just a little too good at being dumbasses? Let me know below if you think the Totally Spies series was totally worth it or totally not.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (gets up from his chair and leaves)
Channel Awesome tagline – Clover: "Vagilizer" is more like it.
(The credits roll)