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Top Ten Worst Songs (By Otherwise Good Artists)
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Released
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July 17, 2012
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Running Time
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36:49
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FanimeCon 2012 Q&A
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Sage: It's a sad fact of life, isn't it? That no matter how good you may think you are, and no matter how many people may agree with you, no-one is immune from making absolute tripe.
Clip of Peter Gabriel - "Games Without Frontiers"
Sage: (V.O.) Yes, once again, I'm straying away from my usual habitat of video games and old anime to delve deep into the realm of music. Today we're gonna be examining 10 cases of bands and artists who, for whatever reason, were not on their a-game when they released, or should I say inflicted, these following songs.
Sage: Now the structure of this list is going to be dependent on 2 factors, 1: how good these bands are when the song was released, and 2: just how bad these songs are. But make no mistake, regardless of context, all 10 songs are just dreadful.
Clip of Elvis Costello - "Shabby Doll"
Sage: (V.O) Also, I want to point out that most everyone can be accused of album filler, so putting songs like Elvis Costello's "Shabby Doll" would make for a boring list. So I'm restricting this to just singles, the songs that were meant to attract people to buy the album, and to represent the band in the mind of popular conscience. The way many people can't separate "Bohemian Rhapsody" from Queen. These songs may have been commercially successful, or they may have flopped. All that matters, though, is how much they suck.
Sage: Summon up your best shame-spell, because we're going to be hip-deep in the works of people who should know better. It's...
Clip of Rush - "Time Stand Still", which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown.
Sage: The Top Ten Worst Songs (by otherwise good artists).
#10
Sage (VO): #10.
Sage: What better way to start off this list than with an earnest declaration of one’s own personal interests? I. Love. Metal.
Clip of Ozzy Osbourne - “Crazy Train”
Sage (VO): Let me clarify; I like metal that isn’t nu metal. 70s metal, 80s speed metal, 90s alternative metal, the aughts’ progressive metal, love them all. Hell, even cheesy hair metal has a place in my heart
Sage: Honestly, who can get angry at hair metal? It’s the only time in music history where rock was blissfully unaware of how goofy everyone was being. For God’s sake, there’s a music video where Sammy Hagar plays a secret agent powered by electricity!
Clip of Sammy Hagar - "VOA"
Sage: When else but the 80s, am I right?
Sage (VO): Though the 80s’ rock scene was dominated by the likes of Van Halen and Guns N’ Roses, another band established themselves with one of the greatest metal albums of all time.
Clip of “Electric Eye” by…
Sage: That’s right… (flashes horns) Judas Priest, mofackas!
Sage (VO): Though the band had been around waaay before the 80s, it wasn’t until 1982’s “Screaming for Vengeance” that they truly found themselves. It’s actually kind of hard to overstate Judas Priest’s influence on the genre, from their trendsetting looks to their technical chops. Judas Priest was just metal incarnate.
Sage: And then, 1986 came, and Judas Priest’s collective balls left.
#10: Judas Priest - “Turbo Lover”
Sage (VO): Metal is a precarious beast, and it walks a very fine line between a driving, blood-pumping beat, and pure monotony. “Turbo Lover” falls flat on its ass in the latter.
Sage: The difference between good metal and bad metal is that good metal is supposed to build up to a satisfying climax. Bad metal either has all buildup with no climax, or it builds up to an unsatisfying climax. “Turbo Lover” manages to do both.
Sage (VO): The song continually assaults you with this low, tedious beat that’s supposed to be a driving force, but it just makes you want to fall asleep at the wheel. It does kind of build up, but’s it’s so slow and grinding that it fails to capture anything. And what’s our climax after two minutes of yawning?
Rob Halford: I’m your turbo lover
Tell me there’s no other
Sage: That’s it? This is the equivalent of getting a half-hearted handjob from a woman who’s so disinterested, she can’t even look away from the evening news.
Sage (VO): This is just so bland and lifeless, and that’s practically the worst thing you can say about music that’s all about bombast and loudness. Luckily, Judas Priest rebounded with “Painkiller”, but this still remains a stain on their otherwise brilliant legacy.
Sage: Also, while I’m breaching the subject, has anyone noticed frontman Rob Halford here kind of looks like Sting from the “Synchronicity II” video?
Clips of both “Turbo Lover” and The Police - “Synchronicity II”
Rob: I’m your heartbeat when you run for..
Sting: We have to shout above the din of our Rice Krispies...
Sage: ...Or is that just me?
Interlude
#9
Sage (VO): #9.
Clip of Weezer - “Beverly Hills”
Rivers Cuomo: Where I come from isn’t all that great
My automobile is a piece of crap
Sage (VO): Me and Weezer have a mutual understanding. I find them harmlessly fun and catchy, and they, in turn, never try to reach further than their comparably short technical grasp. You’re not going to find any song in the Weezer oeuvre that ventures further than the prototypical three-chord rock song. The most adventurous they ever get is writing a song in 3//4 time signature. Similarly, their lyrical work is not cause for any deep examination.
Clip of “Pork and Beans”
Rivers: Everyone likes to dance to happy song
With a catchy chorus and beat so they can sing along
Sage: (sarcastically) Really, Rivers? People like to dance to a happy song? No shit.
Sage (VO): But, when they keep to what they do best, Weezer can pump out some of the best simple, feel-good rock songs out there. When they don’t…
#9: Weezer - “We Are All On Drugs”
Sage (VO): Frontman Rivers Cuomo can do a lot of things. Write a catchy chorus, grow a bitchin’ mustache, but what he can’t do is carry a tune convincingly, and nowhere in his entire body of work has there been a worse display of his atonal flat vocals than in “We Are All On Drugs”.
Rivers: And you show up late for school
'Cos you think you’re really cool when you’re
On drugs
Sage: God, what’s Rivers trying to do, out-flat Liam Gallagher? (realizes what’s about to happen) Wait wait wait wait, DON’T PLAY THAT CLI--
Clip of Oasis - “Wonderwall” gets played anyway
Liam: And after all…
Sage: (in pain and covering his ears) Ugh, god damn it, it’s like the unenthused shriek of the damned!
Sage (VO): Now, no one listens to Weezer to hear Rivers straining to hit a not that isn’t flat, they listen to hear a nice chorus to an uptempo song. Well, “Drugs” denies them even this simplest request.
Rivers: We are all on drugs, yeah
Never getting enough (Never get enough)
We are all on drugs, yeah
Give me some of that stuff (Wooooh)
Sage (VO): And if that weren’t enough, that one line of Rivers is constantly repeated all throughout the song. They built the entire foundation of “We Are All On Drugs” on a line that Rivers can’t even sing without making me want to go deaf. The song was meant as a critique on society always finding new things to be addicted to, whether it’s actual, real-life drugs, or behaviors, or technological conveniences, and it’s a nice little thought, but considering it’s coming from the band whose fame was built around validating awkwardness, the meaning is sort of forced into your face without any regards for finesse or subtlety. Weezer just doesn’t have the songwriting chops or the instrumentality to make a song that delves into society’s ills with any real meaning. In the hands of other vocally-challenged but intellectually stimulating bands like (pictures of…) Interpol or Modest Mouse, maybe this could have been salvaged.
Sage: Rivers, take a page from Jonathan Coulton. Stick with the nerd flock.
Interlude
#8
Sage (VO): #8.
Clip of Dire Straits - “Sultans of Swing”
Sage: If you meet a person who claims they’re a classic rock fan, but don’t know who Dire Straits are, punch them in the goddamn throat.
Sage (VO): Dire Straits is easily the most underrated rock band of the 80s in my opinion. It’s not like they’re an obscure band that only a handful of music critics know of, but no one seems to bring them up in conversation when they talk about the golden age of 70s and 80s rock. It’s like their entire career is solely defined by “Money for Nothing” and that’s it.
Clip of “Money for Nothing”
Sage: Guys, I know it’s a classic song and it encapsulated an era and everything, but they wrote more songs, I assure you!
Sage (VO): Additionally, I feel that Mark Knopfler doesn’t get nearly the credit he deserves for being a premier classical guitarist. It’s easy to be impressed by Eddie Van Halen’s shredding arpeggios, or say that Yngwie Malmsteen can blow Eddie out of the water, but to those who know that playing a guitar means more than how fast you can play the notes, Mark has a more… intangible presence in his playing.
Sage: Or, as Mark put it…
Mark: Mind you he’s strictly rhythm he doesn’t wanna make it cry or sing
Sage: Unfortunately, even poor Marky here isn’t immune to the noxious plague of “What the hell were they thinking?”
#8: Dire Straits - “Twisting by the Pool”
Mark: We're going on a holiday now
Gonna take a villa, a small chalet
Costa del…
Sage (VO): The first thing that pops out at you about “Twisting by the Pool” is just how is just how immediately hokey the song is. Even if you knew nothing of Dire Straits beforehand, and don’t know how baffling it is they wrote a song like this, and trust me, it’s fucking baffling... the general feeling and structure just feels like a parody that lost the point, or an homage that was better left unmade.
Sage: I think some perspective is needed to properly know what I’m getting at. Dire Straits is known for making songs like this:
Clip of “Brothers in Arms”
Mark: Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
Sage: In fact, their last single before “Twisting by the Pool” was “Private Investigations”, and before I play you a clip of that, be sure to clasp your head firmly so you don’t get whiplash.
Clip of “Private Investigations”
Mark: I still can’t get used to it
Sage: You see? They kind of don’t go together.
Sage (VO): It’s not like Dire Straits can’t make an upbeat song or a light-hearted ditty, as “Walk of Life” is plenty upbeat, and it’s an awesome song. But “Twisting by the Pool” doesn’t even sound upbeat. It sounds insincere.
Mark: You're gonna look so cute
Sunglasses and bathing suits
Be the baby of my dreams
Like the ladies in the magazine
Sage: Like I said earlier, it could be that Mark Knopfler intended this to be an homage to the surf rock and swing music of the 60s, but this doesn’t come off like a tribute. And if this was meant as a winking satire of the genre, I’m not sure what they’re satirizing, exactly. That the music of the era was typically superficial, and that superficiality hasn’t changed even twenty years later, it’s not exactly a strong enough sentiment to build an entire song around, certainly not a song that sounds like this.
Sage: But I think what really confuses me is that they released this song as a single. I mean, honestly? They thought this would sell?
Sage (VO): And unlike every other entry on this list, “Twisting by the Pool” was never put out on an LP. This was strictly a single meant for mass consumption. This is album filler if I’ve ever heard it, meant to be buried beneath the solid tracks, not shoved into the spotlight and given its own EP!
Sage: Homage, parody, at this point, all I know is that it’s hokey as all hell, and I’m just depressed to know that it exists.
Interlude
#7
Sage (VO): #7.
Sage: Oh, the enemies I’m gonna make for this one…
#7: Billy Joel - “We Didn’t Start the Fire”
Sage: Yeah, this song is fucking terrible, and you all know it. In fact, some of you probably like it because it’s so terrible, or at least in spite of it!
Sage (VO): If you ask me, and why wouldn’t you, we need as a society to come to grips with ourselves and admit that “We Didn’t Start the Fire” is a bad song. Worse than that, it’s a lazy song.
Clip of Bruno Mars - “The Lazy Song”
Bruno: Today I don’t feel like doing anything
Sage: Obvious joke quota met.
Sage (VO): How is it that people don’t get that the song is nothing but a grocery list of events in current American history? Yeah, the point of the song was to illustrate that the sins of our collective past is what brought us to the mess we’re in today, and that instead of trying to blame one generation of people or another, we should all work together towards a common cause. But the quota of the song is completely lost in the lyrics. Really ask yourself: Does half the things he mentions in the song have anything to do with the message? Does the death of Albert Einstein deserve to be in the same song as the Dodgers winning the World Series?
Billy: Einstein, James Dean
Brooklyn’s got a winning team
Davy Crockett, Peter Pan
Elvis Presley, Disneyland
Sage: And while I’m at it, and (showing San Francisco 49ers hat) barring team loyalty, isn’t the Dodgers winning the World Series a good thing? Why would it be used as an example of something that could cause a quote-unquote “fire”?
Sage (VO): Oh, because Billy Joel needed something to rhyme with “James Dean”. Are you beginning to see what I meant by “lazy song”?
Sage: And this is what really pisses me off about this song: Billy Joel is not a lazy musician or songwriter!
Sage (VO): If you want a prime example of songwriting used to tell a story, there’s no better than Billy Joel. “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant”. “Movin’ Out”. “Angry Young Man”. Fucking “Piano Man”. This Guy. Is Better. Than This Song. Even if you could overlook the lyrics, the music itself is really annoying. If I could somehow wrangle to power to completely ban one trope from all of music, it would be that immature-sounding, sing-songy melody that does nothing but infuriate people.
Billy: Hemingway, Eichmann, Stranger in a Strange Land
Dylan, Berlin, Bay of Pigs invasion
Sage: He doesn’t sound like he’s singing a song. He sounds like he’s reciting a nursery rhyme. And you know who agrees with me? Billy Joel.
Sage (VO): (Actual quote from Billy Joel, cited as “In Their Own Words” onscreen) “It’s one of the worst melodies I’ve ever written.”
Sage: And just when he was about to score back some points he lost, he finishes that statement with “I kind of like the lyrics, though.” Ughh…
Billy: We didn’t start the fire
It was always burnin’ since the world’s been turnin’...
Interlude
#6
Sage (VO): #6.
Sage: Alright, time for a history lesson.
Clip of David Bowie performing "Cat People".
David Bowie: Colder than the moon...
Sage: David Bowie was the proverbial “shit” in the 80s. From his collaborations with Queen and Mick Jagger to his hit soundtracks that were arguably better than the films they were written for, David Bowie could do no wrong.
Clip from "Zoolander"
Maury Ballstein: This guy is so hot, he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks in it, and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings!
Sage: And then the 90s happened.
Clip of “Jump They Say”
Bowie: They say “jump”
Got to believe somebody
Sage (VO): Bowie was always about reinventing himself, but in the 90s, he kind of changed into this amorphous blob of watered-down techno and jazz. All of this isn’t bad, per se, but no one really looks at 90s Bowie with any kind of endearment. It’s just all too esoteric and meandering to be really up to Bowie’s snuff.
Sage: Some have questioned how 80s Bowie could transition so abruptly into 90s Bowie. Curious how some people have forgotten that from the period of ‘89 to ‘91, Bowie formed a new band and tried to ruin his career.
#6: Tin Machine (David Bowie) - “Prisoner of Love”
Bowie: Don’t look back
Whatever it takes to save your life
Sage (VO): Some of you might be calling bullshit on this choice, since Tin Machine didn’t release a single good song, so they don’t belong on a list like this. But come on.
Sage: The CD case may say “Tin Machine”, but it’s fucking David Bowie. And man, is he ever at his worst.
Sage (VO): I always hated when Bowie tried to do that voice-breaking wail that he overindulged in the 80s, but when that is paired up with this absolute cacophony of a melody that is “Prisoner of Love”, Bowie just sounds like he’s singing a completely different song than the rest of the band.
Bowie: Now don’t be fooled by fools who promise you
Sage: [holding a pair of headphones to his ear] No, no, Bowie, Bowie those aren’t the words, we’re playing-- Bowie, are you listening to me?!
Clip from “Metalocalypse”
Dick Knubbler: Find the downbeat!
Murderface: Where’s the bass? Where’s the bass?
Dick: Find the downbeat! No! No!
Sage (VO): Davie Bowie doesn’t even sound like David Bowie here! And considering how often he changes himself, that is saying something.
Sage: You know what he does sound like, though? He sounds like a Bowie wannabe fronting an Echo and the Bunnymen cover band.
Clip of Echo and the Bunnymen - “The Killing Moon”
Ian McCulloch: Or cancel it
Though I know it must be killing time
Unwillingly mine
Sage: How sad is it that the one man who can universally be called a trendsetter and an original, has been reduced to ripping off Echo and the Bunnymen?
Sage (VO): Tin Machine broke up in 1991, after their second album went nowhere, and not a moment too soon. Since then, Bowie’s been doing his weird, weird thing, and being awesome. And making cameos in awesome comedies.
Another clip from “Zoolander”
Bowie: (taking off sunglasses) I believe I might be of service.
Sage: Two “Zoolander” references in one video. Must be making up for lost time.
Interlude
#5
Sage (VO): #5.
Sage: It’s really tough for me to put a band like Queen on this list. I mean, some of my earliest memories was trying to sing along to “News of the World” when my dad drove me home from the babysitter’s when I was a toddler. But, this is an honest list, and I honestly do hate this song.
#5: Queen - “The Miracle”
Freddie Mercury: Every drop of rain that falls
In Sahara Desert says it all
It's a miracle...
Sage (VO): On the surface, “The Miracle” doesn’t really seem to be a bad song. The music is alright, not their best effort, but it’s solid enough. The lyrics are kinda shaky, but that’s Freddie Mercury for you.
Freddie: Captain Cook and Cain and Abel
Jimi Hendrix to the Tower of Babel
Sage: Intentionally mispronouncing lyrics to make them rhyme aside, it’s a well-meaning peace song, opining that the only way to achieve this impossible dream is through divine intervention, or a miracle.
Freddie: One thing we’re all waiting for
Is peace on Earth, an end to war
It’s a miracle we need
The miracle
Sage: But then the question starts seeping in, like, what is a miracle to Queen?
Freddie: All God’s creations, great and small
The Golden Gate and the Taj Mahal
That’s a miracle…
Sage: Uh, no, Freddie. Those are not miracles. They were built by man. Not by God.
Sage (VO): Alright, so half of the things Freddie lists off aren’t technically miracles by the real definition, OK, I can deal with that, artistic license and everything. But the longer the song goes on, the more it seems that not only does Freddie not know what a miracle is, but he constantly devalues it.
Freddie: Open hearts and surgery
Sunday mornings and a cup of tea
Sage: Is he really comparing Sunday morning tea with open-heart surgery? I mean, besides the fact that neither are a miracle, doesn’t that diminish the point of the song? I mean, if something as simple as Sunday morning tea can be considered a miracle, why would we need a miracle to solve world peace?
Sage (VO): I suppose you could look at this in a quantum mechanic sense in that the universe despite all contradictions and all the unlikely happenings had formed life, and that sentient beings were able to pull themselves up from the primordial muck is a miracle in and of itself, so thereby the very fact that humanity was able to be in the position of needing world peace is…
Sage: OK, I’m putting way too much thought into this. “The Miracle” is nothing but a mealy-mouthed, pandering song that pretends to have a deeper meaning than it does.
Sage (VO): This is the only song on the list in which I object to on a metaphysical and ethical level. If the song is saying that we need a miracle to bring peace, wouldn’t that mean it’s leaving it up to God to sort things out? How irresponsible is that? We have no power over why we kill each other since it’s up to God?
Sage: I’ll admit that’s a mean-spirited thing of me to ask, but what else is the song leaving me with? It’s either immature fluff or irresponsible preaching!
Sage (VO): Also, I’d be neglectful to not mention the weird video in which children play the parts of the band members. Sure it’s cute… until the Freddie Mercury kid shows up in Freddie’s S&M-leather biker getup.
Sage: (nervously) Eheh… I’m-- I’m sure that the-- the kids had a lot of fun… *tugs at collar*
Sage (VO): OK, bottom line, the world is full enough of babbling peace songs, and we certainly didn’t need Queen to stoop down to that level to prove it.
Sage: Queen, love you and everything, but this was a brainfart of a song.
Freddie: ...when we can all be friends
The time will come
One day you’ll see…
Interlude
#4
Sage (VO): #4.
Sage: This will be the second time that I brought up Genesis in as many list videos.
Clip of “Invisible Touch”
Sage (VO): As I’ve stated before, I’m a bigger fan of Peter Gabriel’s Genesis than Collins’, and that goes double for each of their solo careers. But I still think Genesis, regardless of who led them, are a cornerstone of 80s music.
Sage: Their sound is just so ingrained into what we remember of the era that they’re inseperable from each other. The 80s… Genesis. Can’t have one without the other. Unfortunately, that also means we can’t have Genesis without this song.
#4: Genesis - “Illegal Alien”
Phil Collins: Got out of bed, wasn't feeling too good
With my wallet and my passport, a new pair of shoes
The sun is shining so I head for the park, (Caption: Uncomfortable yet?)
With a bottle of Tequila, and a new pack of cigarettes
Sage: (uncomfortably rubbing his head) Alright, I know I’m not in the best position to dictate what is offensive and what is not, all I’ll say is I wouldn’t dare to play this in public on Cinco de Mayo.
Sage (VO): The story behind this song was that Phil Collins had trouble getting a visa upon entering the United States, and he used that experience and likened it to the plight of Mexican immigrant workers. I’m pretty sure this story hold about as much weight as that one where Phil Collins singled out a concertgoer during a performance of “In the Air Tonight”.
Sage: Regardless of the song’s origin, it’s just uncomfortable to listen to.
Sage (VO): The fake Mexican accent, the Pancho Villa mustache on Phil in-- Wait, is he in fucking brownface?!
Sage: This is like watching one of those old, racist Looney Tunes cartoons!
Clip from “Looney Tunes”
Bugs Bunny: Don’t beat me, master! Please don’t beat me, master! Don’t beat my tired old body! No! No!
Sage: OK, it’s not that bad, but it’s in the ballpark!
Sage (VO): Even with the racist personification aside, this song is also strangely condescending in that way that only “enlightened white people” can ever hope to achieve.
Sage: You know the type: white people who pretend to “know how hard minorities have it”, and “speak out about their plight on their behalf”…
Sage (VO): Phil sings this song intending to evoke sympathy from the listener, I suspect, but he only makes himself sound ignorant and naive.
Phil: Over the border
There lies the promised land
Where everything comes easy
You just hold out your hand
Sage: (sarcastically) Aww…. He doesn’t know how rough he’ll have it over here in the States… When will those Mexicans ever learn? (makes a look of discomfort)
Sage (VO): But then Phil just lets loose with a line that’s so bad that it’s been stricken out from not only from the music video, but also radio!
Phil: But I’ve got a sister
Who be willing to oblige
She will do anything now
To help me get to the outside
Sage: Pimping your sister! A fine Mexican tradition!
Sage (VO): If I can be perfectly honest, I’m actually kind of tickled this song exists. Not because I find it funny, but because I didn’t think a song like this could exist. It’s like if “African Child” by Aldous Snow was a real song.
Clip of said song from “Get Him to the Greek”
Aldous Snow: Trapped in me
There’s a little African child trapped in me…
Sage: Genesis has distanced themselves from this song, it hasn’t been played live since 1984. It’s a justly-forgotten piece of music from a bygone era. That I have resuscitated. Oh my God, what have I done?!
Phil: It’s no fun being an illegal alien…
Interlude
#3
Sage (VO): #3.
Sage: Have I mentioned that I like metal? Because I do.
Clip of Metallica - “One”
Sage (VO): Normally, when people talk generally about metal, the conversation eventually steers itself to the “Big 4”: Anthrax, Megadeth, Slayer, and Metallica.
Sage: Me personally, if I had to judge by a band’s total career path, I’d probably say that Megadeth is my favorite, but Metallica’s 2nd, 3rd, and 4th albums were nothing short of brilliance.
Sage (VO): In fact, if Metallica had only released those three albums and called it quits, I’d be hard pressed to name a better hard rock band. But starting with the Black Album, Metallica softened their edges over the course of the 90s and became more…
Sage: I hate to say it because people are going to call hipster on this, but there’s really no better word for it… more mainstream.
Clip of an interview with Lars Ulrich from around 2009
Sage: There’s just no getting around it: Metallica sold out. And if that weren’t enough, their eagerness to sell out was put on full display for their fans to see, thanks in no small part to Lars Ulrich’s jackassery during the Napster lawsuit back in 2000. With Metallica’s PR taking one blow after another, the band needed to fix the situation, and fast. And true to jackass form, they answered the call…
Sage: By giving their fans who had been pleading for a return to their classic sound the biggest middle finger in metal history.
#3: Metallica - “St. Anger”
Sage: (looking mortified) The horror… The horror…
Sage (VO): This… I just… I just don’t know how to deal with this! This is heinous on all fronts! This is Metallica intentionally make the most annoying, off-kiltered, not-at-all-congruent song just to piss their fans off!
Sage: This song is so bad, I don’t even know where to start! Well, I suppose I could start with Lars Ulrich’s drumming, which sounds like a chimp banging on a coffee can.
Sage (VO): Gone is any sort of control or refinement to their speed, it’s all just loud grinding noises over James Hetfield belching out some of the dumbest lyrics I’ve ever heard.
James Hetfield: Madly in anger with you
I’m madly in anger with you
Sage: Wow, guys, did you spend all night thinking up that one? Hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t you release a book of poetry? You can call it “Stop in the Name of Anger” or “Anger You Madly”!
Sage (VO): And the cherry on top, the song progression is so choppy, it feels like they’re playing a medley of scrapped songs that didn’t make the album cut.
James: St. Anger ‘round my neck…
Sage (VO): If this song was released right after “Master of Puppets”, or if this list was just about how bad a song is, then it would catapult to #1 in a fucking heartbeat. It’s that horrible. And I will fight anyone that says otherwise.
Sage: “St. Anger”... talk about appropriate titles…
Interlude
#2
Sage: (VO) #2.
Clip of No Doubt - "Spiderwebs"
Sage: Hey, remember when Gwen Stefani didn't suck? Seems so long ago, doesn't it?
Sage: (VO) I still maintain that No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom is one of the greatest albums of the 90s, and I don't find too many people who would disagree with that assessment. Moreover, No Doubt managed to obtain acclaim and popularity, while still maintaining their image and sound.
Sage: It was like, for the briefest moment in time, the California Ska scene was the soundstage of America, sandwiched between the Latin craze, and the still-mystifying swing revival.
Clip of Cherry Poppin' Daddies - Zoot Suit Riot
Steve Perry: Hats and chains and swingin' hands
Who's your daddy? Yes, I am
Sage: Ah, those were the days.
Sage: (VO) Anyways, it was No Doubt, along with other bands like The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Sublime, and The Offspring, that brought ska to American mainstream. And as a child of the 90s, it was a momentary, but happy, period of time.
Sage: But, like Metallica, even No Doubt could not resist the allure of the almighty dollar for long. Except this time, it hurt worse.
#2: No Doubt - "Hey Baby"
Gwen Stefani: Hey, baby, hey, baby, hey!
Girls say
Boys say
Hey, baby, hey, baby, hey!
Sage: Not lying here, when I first heard this song, I thought it was a joke. I thought some Gwen Stefani sound-alike was hired by some radio station to chirp along to this stupid, inane song for some kind of prank (slowly becomes angry), because, surely, the band No Doubt would never stoop so low as to write a song that is so inane and so OPPOSITE to what they've done BEFORE (clenches teeth and explodes) AND FLUSH THEIR CREDIBILITY... DOWN THE SHITTER! THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT!!!
Sage: (VO) Oh, god, everything about this song and video is just painful to sit through. Any self-respecting musician would never greenscreen themselves dancing on the letters of their own album title, or do the white-boy dance, for that matter. This is the kind of shit I'd expect on a MADtv sketch, or on one of our Anniversary Dance Videos.
Sage: (sarcastic) I escpecially love the reggae breakdown towards the end of the song, as if it's there to remind the listener that, yes, No Doubt once had a reggae-ska background.
Rodney Price: When you rock your hips you know that it amaze me
Got me off the hook and nothing else don't phase me
Can you be my one and only sunshine lady
If no, no maybe, hey
Gwen: I'm just sippin' on chamomile...
Sage: You see it! It's not a betrayal! Th-They know where they came from, it's just that the roots of their sound is buried 10 feet beneath... mindless dance pop. (starts crying) You just have to dig that's all... You just have to dig...
He breaks down and starts singing Don't Speak, another track by No Doubt, showing how much he respects them
Sage: You and me...
We used to be together...
I really...
He breaks down completely
Interlude
#1
Sage: (VO) #1.
Sage: I was this (shows his fingers for comparison) close to naming "Hey Baby" my #1 on this list. I was just so pissed at No Doubt, I was just so pissed at Gwen, that I thought there couldn't possibly be any other candidate for #1. But I took some time and I took a step back and I really examined "Hey Baby" and what would eventually be my #1. They were both from bands that I really respect and admire. So, it came down to what was the worst song. "Hey Baby", if it were done by any other band, would still be a horrible song, but... I'd understand the appeal. It wouldn't matter who did my #1, it is that bad. And it breaks my heart (the #1 song slowly fades in) to know that the band that did wind up making this song... was R.E.M.
#1: REM - "Shiny Happy People"
Michael Stipe: Meet me in the crowd
People, people
Sage: I will never fucking understand what R.E.M. thought when they made "Shiny Happy People".
Sage: (VO) That maddening guitar riff, the babbling, inane lyrics, Michael Stipe's grating vocals... This isn't an R.E.M. song, this is a rappy song that he scrapped because it sounded too goody-goody.
Sage: "But wait," I hear some of you say, "Surely this was meant to be an ironic song, that the lyrics are supposed to have an underlying theme of desperation for the need to be happy." Well, I hate to shit on your parade, but if there was any sense of irony, it was lost a long time ago.
Sage: (VO) There is nothing in the lyrics or the tone that suggests that the song was meant with any underlying theme. This isn't like Hey Ya, where the song sounds like a happy dance number, but the lyrics are about a couple's inability to stay together and be happy.
Clip from Outkast - Hey Ya!
Andre3000: Don't try to fight the feeling
'cause the thought of loneliness is killing me right now.
If what they say is
(Chorus: Nothing is forever)
Then what makes (5)...
Chorus: ...love the exception?
Andre3000: So, why oh why...
...are we so in denial when we know we're not happy here?
Sage: That's ironic. This...
Michael Stipe: Take it into town.
(Happy, happy)
Put it in the ground where the flowers grow.
Sage: ...is moronic.
Sage: (VO) Every time the song goes into another stanza, I feel like the video is trying to hypnotize me into doing god-knows-what. I can't be the only one who gets creepy brainwashing vibes from this, am I?
Mike Mills: Shiny happy people holding hands...
Cindy Wilson: Shiny happy people holding hands...
Clip from Zoolander
Zoolander: (hallucinating with visions of Mugatu in his head) Happy... Happy... Happy... (dissolves into soft, creepy laughter)
Sage: Okay, I'll admit. That one was for me.
Sage: (V.O.) There's just... nothing else to this song besides repetitive inanity, which, in of itself, is probably the worst thing about it. Coming from the band that had written provocative songs like "Losing My Religion", this is so far beneath R.E.M., they haven't found a stick big enough to measure it.
Sage: Besides, we already got a classic song we can play whenever we want to feel dementedly happy. Hit it, Stinky Wizzleteats!
Clip from Happy Happy Joy Joy by Stinky Wizzleteats from the Ren and Stimpy Show.
As soon as this song starts, Sage starts dancing dementedly and making weird faces; the video ends.
End credit: All footage and sound used under fair use and are the property of their respective holders. Made for ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com.