Top Ten Worst Disney Sequels
December 30, 2011
Nostalgia Chick: Really and truly crapping on movies made by people far more successful than anyone you’ve had anything to do with is not easy work. But sometimes you have to ask yourself: why do these things exist? Are they the product of a creative spark somewhere or are they a studio mandate for ‘em to hand to a third-grade production house?
(Montage of various direct-to-video Disney sequels.)
NCh (VO): (Clips of The Return of Jafar) In 1994, The Return of Jafar was released on home video, starting a plague of direct-to-video (Clip from Pocahontas II: Journey to a New World) sequels to all of the most (clip from Beauty and the Beast: Belle’s Magical World) popular Disney films (clip from Brother Bear 2) and some of the less popular ones (clip from Bambi 2) and some... eh.... (Clips of Hunchback II, Bambi 2 and The Fox and the Hound 2) Either way, over 30 direct-to-video sequels, prequels, and midquels have been produced. (Clip of DisneyToon Studios logo intro) These were all made by DisneyToon Studios, the production house responsible for Disney’s animated television series.
NCh: And let's get this straight. At best, they’re OK, at worst, they’re awful and they only serve to make the studio look bad. Worse.
NCh (VO): (Clips of Return of Jafar, Hunchback II, The Lion King II, Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas and The Fox and the Hound 2) As they were made by television people with television assets and budgets, they look like TV shows, they are paced like TV shows, they have the stakes of a TV episode.
NCh: And I will be the first to conceive that original thought probably was not allowed in most of these things because of a studio mandate to keep them as close to the source material as possible.
NCh (VO): BRAND. NAME. RECOGNITION.
NCh (VO): (Clip of Mulan II followed by Shrek, The Little Mermaid 2 and Cinderella II) And in light of the decline of 2D and the rise of Pixar and Dreamworks 3D animation, these things make the studio look like money grubbing whores.
NCh: Which they are. But, if we look at these movies as art pieces rather than a quick cash-in made for stupid children who need to be babysat by Uncle Television for an hour, most of them just don’t seem to get the original movies that they’re based off of, which is kinda impressive ‘cause, it’s Disney.
NCh (VO): (Clip of Pocahontas II) And I don’t wanna hear: “Nugh, why didn’t you include this one, this one's even worse!”
NCh: If I didn’t include it, I didn’t take... as much issue with it. So here we go. This is MY: Top! (Image of the word “TOP” appears in big letters and will do so for the rest of the title) Ten! (“TEN”) Worst! (“WORST”) Disney! Sequels! (“DISNEY SEQUELS”) or midquels or three-part-never-existed-television-series-quels. Let’s begin...
(Video montage of The Little Mermaid 2, Cinderella 2, Brother Bear 2, The Fox and the Hound 2, Bambi 2, Mulan 2, Hunchback 2, Lady and the Tramp 2, Pocahontas 2 and Belle’s Magical World appears whilst an auto-tuned pop song remix of “When You Wish Upon A Star” by Meaghan Martin plays which will serve as the interlude throughout the countdown.)
NCh (VO): #10.
Peg (from Lady and the Tramp): What a dog.
NCh (VO): Lady and the Tramp was one of the more stylistic early Disney movies. For instance, it’s filmed from a dog’s perspective with a dog’s understanding of the human world.
#10. Lady and the Tramp 2 (2001)
NCh (VO): In Lady and the Tramp 2, there are way too many human faces for this to take place in the same universe as the first one. Starting it off right, it’s like they don’t understand the basic stylistic choices of the original. Namely, that we rarely see a human’s face, it’s mostly feet. Here, neeeh, the crotch-dumplings will get confused if we don’t show the faces, so let’s just show the faces.
Lady (Singing): ...Darling and with Jim Dear, we’ve made a home from which we’ll never roam...
Tramp (Singing too): ...Why would we when we’re so contented here?...
NCh (VO): Yeah, alright, let’s start this party off right with a big Hello Dolly style musical number. In Lady and the Tramp, it wasn’t a traditional musical like they did in the ’90’s. All of the songs were either sung by characters that were practically making cameos or the omnipotent great choir. Also, Lady and the Tramp are not in Lady And The Tramp 2 much. Instead, it focuses on the little rapscallion we see at the end of Lady and the Tramp 1. Who, while he does accurately act like a puppy, is really annoying.
(Cut to a clip of Scamp trying to jump over trash cans)
Scamp: That’s kids stuff!
NCh (VO): Yeah, nothing makes me love a character more than when he goes, “That’s lame, watch me do better”. Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail.
NCh: One of the nice things about earlier Disney movies is that they weren’t so homogeneous like they were in the ’90’s. Lady and the Tramp 2 takes a clever little idea of a movie and turns it into... not another coming-of-age story. And that’s lame.
NCh (VO): #9.
(Clips from Bambi 2 play)
NCh (VO): At least Bambi 2, which almost made this list for being boring as tar, kind of had a point to its existence which wasn’t in the original; that is, what his relationship to his dad actually was.
(Cut to a scene from Tarzan 2 on the other hand...)
#9. Tarzan 2 (2005)
Kala: You need your family, Tarzan and your family needs you.
NCh (VO): Tarzan 2 is offensive in its existence in that the whole plot is devoted to him feeling like an outcast among fellow gorillas and coming to terms with that. (Scene from the original movie plays.) Y’know, that thing that the entire first half of Tarzan was devoted to.
Kerchak (from the first film): He will never be one of us!
NCh (VO): One: it’s not a “2”, it’s a midquel, two: its theme being a major theme of the first film and three: some of the most worthless, non-threatening antagonists...
(Nostalgia Chick does a quotation gesture very awkwardly while the following scene shows Terk agitating Kago and Uto.)
Uto: Ay, you can’t do that to my brother.
NCh (VO): ...in existence. When Tarzan feels that his family would be better off without him, he runs away and runs into an old, nihilistic, misan... well mis-gorilla-throping curmudgeon...
Zugor: Zugor rule number 1: Don’t need anyone but yourself.
NCh (VO): ...played by...
NCh (finds it hard to come to terms with who voiced Zugor): ...George Carlin.
(Montage of George Carlin’s raunchy stand up plays.)
Carlin doing his stand up: Lots of fucking going on here/How to fuck, who to fuck, when to fuck, why to fuck/Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits, Fart, Turd and Twat/And I’m getting really sick of guys named Todd. Y’know.
NCh (VO): See, Tarzan doesn’t quite know who he is, spending the whole film trying to figure it out. But don’t you worry, Carlin to the rescue.
Zugor: ...I did it! I finally figured out what you are! Ha ha! A TARZAN!
NCh (VO) (mocking Carlin for the stupid line): You’re a douchebag!
NCh: And it’s not like we don’t miss you, George. I understand that sometimes, we all need a suckle from that sweet, sweet Disney teat. Seriously, though, George Carlin is the man. Most of the time.
NCh (VO): #8.
NCh: There are three types of Disney sequels: the three episodes of a non-existent television show, the midquel, and the honest-to-God sequel, and you’d be surprised how rare the latter is. Usually, it involves someone from movie 1 finding a love interest or the crotch-dumplings of the main characters from the original, learning the same lesson that their parents learned in the last movie.
NCh (VO) (whilst footage from Lady and the Tramp 2 plays): I’m not surprised this exists. I’m not surprised (Bambi 2 poster pops up.) ANY of this exists!
NCh: But I am surprised that this got a theatrical release...
#8. Return to Neverland (2002)
NCh (VO): Someone along the lines looked at this and said: “This is good enough for theaters. Here’s an extra 2 million dollars, have it ready by Thanksgiving.” Here we have Wendy’s daughter, Jane, the too serious little girl having to learn how to be a child again, despite, y’know... (Clips from the movie that show the London Blitz playing out appear) ...priorities!
Danny: I want to hear a Peter Pan story!
NCh (VO): Shhh! The actual danger! (Talking to Jane) Hey, little girl! What are you doing being concerned with Nazis and bombs and living to see the end of the war?
Jane: I’ve no time for fun and games.
Danny: You used to. You were gonna be the very first lost girl ever!
NCh (VO): Pixie dust, damn it! I hate the Disney version of Peter Pan, and he’s no better here.
Peter Pan: You’re gonna have to do better than that, boy!
NCh (VO): I really hate Tinkerbell, so I admit, I enjoyed her pain in this. Heh heh yes, no more sassy Hot Topic shirts for you, huh? (images of said t-shirts appear.)
NCh (VO): Captain Hook, who kidnaps Jane while mistaking her for Wendy, is somehow even more foppish.
Hook: That wretched boy will be but a notch of this scabber!
NCh (VO): But instead of a crocodile wanting to chow down on Hook, this one has an octopus, which is how you know this is a “different” movie.
Hook (while octopus pops): Stay away.
NCh (VO): It even does the stupid tick-tock thing! Why is it popping?! The stupid crocodile had swallowed a clock, this thing, it, it just, pops in rhythm! This is bad, but it might not have made this list if not for that octopus! What’s, what was wrong with the crocodile?! It’s the SAME THING!
NCh: Did they lose the rights to the crocodile?
NCh (VO): HATE! HATE!
NCh (VO): #7.
NCh: It’s hard to find a continuation to any story as aggressively worthless as Cinderella 2.
#7. Cinderella 2: Dreams Come True (2002)
NCh (VO): First we have the tritest example of why being a princess isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. (photo of Prince William and Duchess Kate appears) Cinderella wants to be a royal without losing the common touch.
Cinderella: And why do they have to keep the palace so dark? And that awful fence, and those boring colors that all look the same?
NCh (VO): (mocking Cinderella) And why do we have to eat these fine royal delicacies? I’d rather eat Oreos! And why do we have to wear shoes, anyway? Why can’t we just dance on the table? (normal) Yeah, of course, she revolutionizes everything instantly, surprise.
King: Who opened those curtains?!
Prudence: This is all Princess Cinderella’s doing!
King: Oh, what a lovely moon.
NCh: And that's only one of three tales in this movie. None of them were strong enough to be a movie unto itself.
NCh (VO): The second one has to do with Jaq-Jaq the mouse wanting to be human and is, by far, the hardest to suffer through. And the third has to do with one of the ugly stepsisters finding love in a common baker and having to stand up to her snobbish, evil mother in the name of love.
Cinderella: Look, Anastasia, you just need a little help, that’s all.
NCh (VO): My, but she is forgiving for all those years of psychological and physical abuse. (scene from the original movie plays where the ugly stepsisters rip Cinderella’s dress to shreds)
Anastasia (to her mother): You’re wrong!
NCh: Marry for love and not money, damn it, and if you haven’t learned that lesson by now, then by God, we’ll make you watch every other Disney movie ever!! (posters for Aladdin, Mulan and Pocahontas appear)
NCh: If you’re over the age of 10, the badness of a Disney sequel is usually in inverse proportion to how much you liked the original. This is probably why I take such umbridge with The Enchanted Christmas, which we’ll get to later. There’s an exception to every rule, and here is mine...
#6. The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea (2000)
Morgana: Weehee, a party!
Sebastian: Ursula’s crazy sister!
(NChick writes something on an envelope while Sebastian’s previous line of dialogue is slowed down. After finished writing, the NChick holds up the envelope to reveal the word, “LAZY” written on it.)
NCh (VO): The plot to keep Ariel’s daughter, Melody out of the ocean involves some of the most contrived shit ever.
Ariel: No, we’ve got to keep Melody away from her. Until Morgana is found, Melody can’t go in the sea.
NCh: Yeah, that’s pretty stupid.
NCh (VO): Can’t know the truth, can’t, you know, let her know what the hell is going on that she might grow to defend herself or recognize a threat when she sees it, n-ope! This might be the prime example of child having to learn the lesson their parents learned the first time around.
Ariel: You deliberately disobeyed me! I never want you going out there again, do you hear me? It’s dangerous in the sea!
NCh (VO): Oh Ariel, you might be a hypocrite or something.
Sebastian: You’re just like... like your mother.
NCh (VO): She sure is, in fact, it’s just like the original. It’s the same story, minus the prince and also the stakes.
(Scenes from The Fox and the Hound play.)
Tod (child): Copper, you're my very best friend.
Copper (child): And you’re mine too,Tod.
Tod (child): And we’ll always be friends forever.
NCh (VO): The original Fox and the Hound is a tragic, dark parable about Tod and Copper, who, while best friends as children, are driven apart by the roles society has chosen for them. It’s not only one of Disney’s more somber pictures, it’s one of their more subtle pictures as well.
Tod (adult): Copper, we’re still friends, aren’t we?
Copper (adult): Tod, those days are over.
NCh: In The Fox and the Hound 2, a midquel, Copper and Tod join a band. (long pause) I’m not kidding.
#5. The Fox and the Hound 2 (2006)
NCh (VO): Reba McEn-“terrier”-seriously that's Reba McEntire- she’s our flimsy antagonist.
Dixie (singing): ...Sometimes I swear I just (bites) wanna bite him!...
NCh (VO): It’s about Copper falling in with this other group of dogs and they invite him to join their band, Reba gets jealous, Tod get jealous, and there are no stakes and it has nothing to do with the original. I think the writers were told: “It’s a story about a fox and a hound and they’re friends. Write a movie”. The worst thing about this one is that no matter where it ends, you are where you were in the original; in the middle of The Fox and the Hound, being torn apart by society.
NCh: And that’s horrible.
Tod: But the band, aren’t you going with ‘em?
Copper: Can’t. You and me, we’ve got crickets to chase.
NCh (VO): Aw, it’s adorable, the inexorable forces of society are gonna tear your friendship apart.
NCh (VO): #4.
NCh: How Quasimodo got his groove...
#4. The Hunchback Of Notre Dame 2 (2002)
Quasimodo: Maybe someone could love me.
NCh (VO): Some people take issue that Quasimodo didn’t get the girl in the first one. I don’t so much because... (images of Quasimodo and Esmeralda are placed back-to-back.) ...come on. Also, it’s closer to the book. But, in the world of Hunchback 2, the plague has apparently wiped out most of the denizens of Paris to a population of about, um, 20 or so...
(A scene during the song “Topsy Turvy” from the first Hunchback film plays, showing the population of Paris at the time.)
Clopin (singing): ...Make a face as gruesome as a gargoyle’s wing...
(Contrast that to a scene from Hunchback 2 on the other hand...)
Townsfolk (singing): ...Parading down the promenade in pairs...
NCh (VO): ...And Quasimodo is, like, the town mascot. The gypsies are all fully integrated now, but those CARNIES! They cannot be trusted! And they are run by this flaming homo bad guy.
Sarousch: I could kiss me. But I’d fall in love.
NCh (VO): (Mocking Sarousch) Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me.
NCh: So it’s time for Quasimodo to get some. But who could be his perfect match? Who can Disney afford in 2002?
(Montage of names appear that consist of Jennifer Aniston, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Lisa Kudrow, Rachel Leigh Cook, Kathy Bates, Bea Arthur, Heidi Fleiss, Your Mom, Other chick from Friends (Courtney Cox) and Britney Spears, before finally settling on Jennifer Love Hewitt, who voiced Madellaine in the film.)
NCh: Good enough.
NCh (VO): She might be generic and hot, but she’s klutzy and awkward. Just like you.
Madellaine: The gargoyles!
Madellaine: Well, the-, they were, they were alive!
NCh (VO): Aw, she shares your delusions.
NCh: Remember the Festival of Fools in the first one? Well, this has a Love festival.
Zephyr: Whose name are you going to yell tomorrow, Quasi?
NCh (VO): (Imitating Zephyr) Don’t women find you sexually attractive, Quasimodo? (normal) Oh, this horrifyingly annoying kid is Esmeralda and Phoebus’ son, Zephyr, played by Haley Joel Osment at his very worst.
Zephyr: Wow, oh woah, wow, wow!
Zephyr: Best friends.
Quasimodo (very blandly): And we always will be.
NCh (VO): Good exchange! Because that’s how best friends talk.
(Cut to scene with NChick and Nella exchanging very blandly.)
NCh: Best friends.
Nella: Best friends forever.
NCh: And we'll always be friends, won’t we?
Nella: Of course. As long as you don’t default on your payments, heh heh heh.
NCh (VO): Besides the love interest, the film revolves around the stupidest damn thing. Everyone's fighting over this damn bell that's, get it, “beautiful on the inside”!
Esmerelda: La Fidèle, you are magnificent.
NCh (VO): You ring for shit, though.
Quasimodo: She’s even more beautiful on the inside.
Esmerelda: Takes more than looking to really see...
NCh (VO): (imitating George Carlin from Tarzan 2) You’re a hunchback!
NCh (VO): #3.
NCh (VO): (Clips from the first Beauty and the Beast) I’ve heard criticism against the original Beauty And The Beast and how it’s bad because it’s all about one poor girl’s Stockholm Syndrome, which I don’t think is fair because, A. She only comes around to him once he stops being a dick and, B. Once he lets her go, she leaves. Probably wouldn’t have come back except for, y’know, impending doom.
NCh: It’s the Christmas miracle of Stockholm Syndrome.
Belle: I, for one, think a little Christmas cheer would do him some good.
Belle (singing): ...Everyone needs someone. He must need someone, too...
NCh (VO): (singing as Belle) ...He’s mopey and emo and I can change him. (normal) Oh, yay, and another foppish, sissy villain with a big gay crush on the Beast.
Forte: The music helps.
Beast: Your music is the only thing that helps me forget.
NCh (VO): Said big gay crush being his primary motivation.
NCh: I’ve pretty much already reviewed this P.O.S, so I’ll try not to repeat myself too much.
NCh (VO): It contains one of the worst songs in recent memory...
Forte (Singing): ...Love takes the wild at heart and makes it tame. If you’re turned on, then just turn off!...
NCh (VO): ...it has some of the worst jokes...
Belle: Do you know what day it is?
Chip: Well, it’s not...Tuesday...
(NChick aggressively makes a quotation gesture.)
NCh (VO): ...in any Disney movie, and oh, Beast, what have they done to you?
Beast: I fell, and I landed on my... (covers himself up) ...on, on the ice.
NCh (VO): (imitating George Carlin again) You’re an asshole!
NCh: But hopefully, at least this one will be washed away by the sands of time...
(An image of a Blu-ray re-release of this movie appears focusing closer on the Blu-ray logo in a threatening manor.)
NCh (Looking in despair): No.
NCh (VO): #2.
NCh: It’s not like television writers can’t make the transition to film. Just look at Aaron Sorkin. But movies work differently from television; they have a different tension, a different look, the stakes are stakier.
#2. Atlantis: Milo’s Return (2003)
NCh (VO): In Atlantis: Milo’s Return, the paper-thin characters from the original are trying to find these Atlantian artifacts out in the world and, somehow or another, that’s tied in with whether or not they’ll go back to the surface world. And these three not related adventures somehow culminate in that.
Kida: Let us share our light with the world!
(Atlantis rises up from the sea, where two fisherman look upon it surprised.)
NCh (VO): Wow, and just in time for World War I!
NCh: If it sounds like three episodes from a television series that got canned and was hastily cobbled together into a “sequel”, that’s exactly what it is. It is, exactly that.
Whitmore: Already have my doctor, digger, demolition expert, mechanic, each at the top of their field.
NCh (VO): (Clips from the original movie play) The only thing the original really had going for it was stunning animation. But even then, comparing the two is like comparing a symphony to some kid playing a commercial jingle on a kazoo.
(Cut to a scene where the original movie’s fighting sequence is occurring. Follow that up with a scene from the “sequel” where Mole tries to eat plastic.)
Mole: Ugh. Plastic. Puh!
(Tosses it away and the lava dog eats it whilst the words “...had not been invented yet” pop up. This is followed up with the NChick blowing into a rolled up piece of paper and playing it like a kazoo. She then unrolls it to reveal the envelope with the word LAZY written on it.)
NCh: It’s hard to articulate what about this one makes it so awful. But when you really get down to it and step back, it’s that every story needs a conflict.
#1. Belle’s Magical World (1998)
NCh (VO): With Beauty and the Beast, the only real conflict that could exist while keeping the story intact was, well, the one that happened. Theirs was a delicate situation; they can’t keep getting mad at each other over stupid misunderstandings. And in the original movie, they don’t.
Belle (from the original film): If you’d hold still, it wouldn’t hurt as much!
Beast (from the original film): Well, if you hadn’t have run away, this wouldn’t have happened.
NCh: This stands, in some contrast, to flying in a rage over a baby bird.
Belle: I...found a bird today, and...
Beast: You found a what?!
NCh (VO): Like Atlantis 2, this one's a three-parter. One that doesn’t bother trying to tie itself together by the book thing or the whatever thing. Two of these three are about: Belle wants something, the Beast is a dick, Belle tries to change him, the Beast is a dick more, the Beast realizes he’s wrong, everything’s OK. It’s less “Beauty and the Beast” and more like “The Abusive Odd Couple”.
Beast: I WILL NEVER APOLOGIZE!
NCh (VO): Belle’s magical prison. Interesting that when the Beast acts like an asshole like this, it always ends up fine, despite him learning the same lesson over and over.
NCh: Every time I try this with a damsel, it never pans out.
(Cut to a scene where NChick has Todd in the Shadows tied up on her couch.)
NCh (offscreen): Wow, I sure do have a bad disposition. I think I need to be fixed.
Todd: You know, this didn’t work the first five times you did this, Nostalgia Chick. I need to go to the bathroom.
NCh (singing): Haaa, naaa. (Holds up little teacup off-camera.) Inanimate object.
Todd: Do you want me to go to the bathroom in that?
NCh (VO): Now where’s my Blu-ray release?
NCh: It’s rare when you come across something so awful that you have a hard time explaining why it’s bad, but there are times such as these when analyzing it makes you dumber.
(Montage of various Disney sequels play while a pop version of "Beauty and the Beast" plays.)
NCh (VO): Entertainment is the only product in our kids' lives where parents will go, "So what if it's crappy? It's just for my children." You don't say that about anything else in their lives. "What? It's just a car seat! So what if the belt barely works?" "What? It's just food."
NCh: And do you know why that is? Is it because you want your kids or yourself to be enriched? No. It's because kids are stupid, and you don't care what they watch and you just want them to shut up.
NCh (VO): So you can blame Disney for going crazy with direct-to-video shit, but you know what? It's your fault, parents, for buying shitty awful movies for your kids based on the standards your company used to uphold. Oh wait! You don't care, because kids are stupid, and they want the same shit over and over, and you're okay with them watching shitty movies.
NCh: But at least the plague of sequels has finally ended, and in it’s place: a billion Tinkerbell movies. (posters of the various Tinkerbell films pop up)
NCh: (Growls) Enjoy!
(End credits appear and a little message appears at the bottom saying, “Yes, we watched all of the them. No. ALL OF THEM.” Poor NChick.)