Top 15 Missed Opportunities of AT4W
December 28, 2009
With 2009 drawing to a close, let's take a look back and see what Linkara COULD have joked about, but didn't.
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Well, 2009 is drawing to a close. While admittedly this show started in 2008, the majority of the episodes were in 2009, so I can't help but feel nostalgic of the fact that I've actually had this show going on for well over a year.
(A montage of shots of comics that Linkara reviewed over the last year or so is shown)
Linkara (v/o): It's been a long ride, and I've been amazed at the amount of people who actually like this weird Minnesotan comic book nerd. But as I look back at all these episodes, I have to kick myself here and there, since there were some damn good joke opportunities that I just didn't catch or were pointed out to me later.
Linkara: Well, no longer! To close out 2009, we're gonna right the wrongs and make proper jokes! This is the Top 15 Missed Opportunities of Atop the Fourth Wall!
(A montage of clips of Linkara's past episodes are shown, set to Frank Sinatra's "My Way", before showing the title for this; this will be the interlude footage throughout the video; cut then to AT4W opening titles)
Linkara (v/o): Number 15: "Sinnamon #11".
(Cut to footage of Linkara's review of "Sinnamon #11")
Linkara (v/o): So, yeah, it turns out that Dawn's date is actually a Communist spy. That's just... weird: redneck Communists.
Linkara: (pronounced redneck voice) Now, listen up, y'all: if you're yelling "Yee-haw!" at the sight of the bourgeoisie getting kicked in the pants, you just might be... the urban proletariat!
Linkara (v/o): Number 14: "US-1 #1"
(Cut to footage of Linkara's review of this comic)
Linkara (v/o): After a brief scene where we meet US's trucker parents, said parents get killed off panel. Well, thanks for letting us acclimate to those characters before they're lost! Anyway, after the loss of such legendary truckers as... uh, whoever US's parents were supposed to be, their fellow truckers dress up their vehicles in black and drive "the longest funeral convoy Wheeler had ever seen."
Linkara: (hums Chopin's funeral march, then singing) We got a great big convoy trucking through the night. We got a great big convoy, ain't she a beautiful sight?
Linkara (v/o): Number 13: "Superman At Earth's End"
(Cut to footage of Linkara's review of the comic)
Linkara (v/o): So Superman... You know what? I'm not gonna call him that! Bearded Idiot flies off with the remaining kids to fight the remaining (?) of the twin Hitlers.
Linkara: Dear God in Heaven, I can't believe that this comic makes this sentence possible!
Linkara (v/o): Number 12: "Maximum Clonage: Omega".
Linkara: Actually, I've got a couple here for this one. See, even I knew the length of the video was getting ridiculous, so I had to skip over a whole bunch of stuff in order to end it as quickly as I could. Rather an apt metaphor for the Clone Saga, actually.
Linkara (v/o): Before Spidey and the Clone Gwen go to the Daily Bugle, they head over to the Jackal's lab. Here, they meet a giant, floating, hologrammatic head of the Jackal.
Jackal: You've made a big mistake breaking in here!
Linkara: (as Jackal) I was just in the middle of assembling five teenagers with attitude!
Spider-Man: Seems like we've triggered an automatic security system! Gwen... get out of here!! She's safe.
Linkara: (as Spider-Man, pretending to push something) Here, let me just shove your completely freakish, eyeless body into a wall! That'll keep you safe!
Linkara (v/o): For that matter, this brief fight scene is yet more pointless padding to the whole thing. Another fight scene added in, because this was supposed to be some big finale, when all it did was waste our time. Anyway, another scene is where Spidercide and the Jackal are fighting inside the Daily Bugle. The Jackal, evidently keeping a gun under his coat – don't ask – dissolves the wall and they fall out the window!
Linkara: (listlessly, his head cradled on his hand) No, please, stop, you have so much to live for, live, dammit, live, you've never given up on anything before, oh, I can't look, please, think of the children, oh, the humanity.
Linkara (v/o): Number 11: "Uncanny X-Men #423"
(Cut to a closeup of the comic cover)
Linkara (v/o): This one I have no excuse for. I really should have caught this one my own, but my wonderful fans were quicker and smarter to catch it and point it out to me. Take it away.
(Cut to a shot of a comic panel showing Logan)
Linkara (v/o): Next is Logan, whom Nightcrawler says is...
Nightcrawler: (audio from review) Often called Wolverine because he's short, tough, and has these hundred-inch claws that shoot out of each hand.
Linkara: Hey, kids, guess what? A hundred-inch claws (raises his hands to approximate the length; he raises them really high) would mean that his claws were three feet longer than I am tall! Did Chuck Austen not know how to use a freaking ruler?! Actually, given his bottomless stupidity when it came to religion, character dynamics, general trauma, relationships... (dissolve to later on, as Linkara continues) ...Superman, likeable characterization, and in general, anything except his work on "Exile", his lack of understanding rulers is the least of his worries.
Linkara (v/o): Number 10: "Countdown"
(Cut to a shot of Darkseid in this comic)
Linkara (v/o): So this is our villain, Darkseid, ruler of Apokolips, grand manipulator on a cosmic scale, seeker of the anti-life equation... and collector of action figures. It's sad when the villain of your comic reminds you of Lord Helmet from Spaceballs.
(Cut to a clip of Spaceballs, showing Dark Helmet playing with action figures when Colonel Sandurz barges in)
Col. Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet: (startled) What?! (tries to hide his action figures in his arms)
Col. Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir.
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Col. Sandurz: Yes, sir.
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
Col. Sandurz: No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: Good!
Linkara (v/o): Number 9: "Silent Hill: Dying Inside, #5"
(Cut to Linkara's review of this comic)
Linkara (v/o): As Lauren unlocks the door, a shadow puppet appears from nowhere.
Lauren: (narrating) But... what have I unleashed from Whately's corpse?
Linkara: (frustrated) WHO THE HELL IS WHATELY?!?!
(Cut to a shot of the poster for the movie version of The Dunwich Horror)
Linkara (v/o): Well, apparently, Whately, pronounced "wait-ly", is actually a character from H.P. Lovecraft's "The Dunwich Horror". Let's ignore for a second that this is "Silent Hill" and not Lovecraft.
(Cut to a shot of the antagonist in the story)
Linkara (v/o): Let's instead point out that the big villain in your horror story is based on a guy who didn't even get defeated by the heroes, but by the freaking guard dog, without us actually seeing it either!
Linkara: But that's assuming he's supposed to be a reference to Whately. But I have a hard time believing that anybody gave this story a second thought, outside of (dopey voice) "Duuhhh, let that Christabella use the F-word more often! That's scary!"
Linkara (v/o): Number 8: "Amazons Attack #2"
(A panel in the comic showing Batman and Superman in a wrecked building)
Linkara (v/o): Anywho, Superman suddenly hears something and flies off at top speed. Nemesis contacts Batman and issue two ends with him informing him that Kansas, all of Kansas, is on fire.
Linkara: That doesn't even BEGIN to make any sense! It's even worse when you think about it in hindsight after the series is over!
Linkara (v/o): First of all, we know that the Bana are the ones who were attacking areas outside of Washington, D.C., and it sure doesn't look like there are enough of them to put a whole state on fire! Secondly, really, the whole state? You know, Kansas isn't just one big cornfield, you know. Are you telling me all the buildings are on fire? The roads are ablaze as well? What about the space occupied by people? That's on fire? Oh, the lakes must be on fire, too! Well, actually, that'd make sense, considering Greek fire, but we see that the Bana are more into the high-tech weapons. What about actual fires going on in the city? Someone's having a barbecue and the fire is on fire as well?
Linkara: I know I'm kinda reaching with this one, but we clearly see in the next issue that basically this shock ending was worthless, seeing as Superman just had to blow on the fire to put it all out. And did this comic need any more blowing than it had already done?
Linkara (v/o): Number 7: "22 Brides #1"
(Cut to Linkara's review of the comic)
Linakra (v/o): They decide to show him who he's dealing with by arming themselves.
Mercy: (audio from review) Who wants the Glock and who wants the Patriot missile?
Linkara (v/o): (stunned) A... Patriot missile? (stammers) A-A PATRIOT MISS– Let's even forgive that the things...
(Cut to various shots of the Patriot missile)
Linkara (v/o): ...are three million BUCKS per missile, and just skip right to the fact that they're, like, TWENTY FEET LONG! And that's assuming the worst possible situation, that they're actually serious when they say that one of those stick figures they call a character is gonna lug around a Patriot missile as their weapon! The best possible scenario is this was just a joke, and for that, I'll let Galvatron sum that up!
(Cut to a clip of Galvatron from the old Transformers cartoon)
Galvatron: This is bad comedy.
Linkara (v/o): Number 6: "Mickey Mantle #2"
(A shot of the comic is shown, showing Billy Martin giving Mickey Mantle his own trading card)
Billy: Here you go, buddy.
Mickey: Billy, it's just a ballcard.
Billy: Well, Mick, if you keep hitting dingers, and we win the World Series a few more times, that card will be worth a couple of bucks.
Mickey: Always kidding, Billy. Imagine someone paying a couple of bucks for a baseball card with my picture on it. That'll be the day.
Linkara: Hmm, baseball card collecting. (looks offscreen) Hey, Lee from Still Gaming, how did that work out for you?
(Cut to Lee, buried under a pile of baseball cards; he coughs and sputters, revealing his mouth underneath)
Lee: Shut... up!
Linkara: (chuckles) Everybody knows that cards are only valuable if they have (holds up a Mr. T trading card) Mr. T on them.
Linkara (v/o): Number 5: "Blood Pack #1"
(Cut to a panel of the comic, showing Geist and Mongrel)
Linkara (v/o): So... what, did the alien bite grant him [Geist] the power to buy guns and choose ridiculous costumes? It's an all-red ensemble with a head mask that opens up for his hair and face, which is also red, by the way. On his torso, he has various grenades, pouches, and a pointy, multi-layered shoulder pad.
Linkara: This is what happens when you concentrate dangerous amounts of the '90s into one comic!
(Cut to 90s Kid)
90s Kid: Duuuuude! "Blood Pack" is awesome, man! They have knives coming out of their hands! And, like, chicks in their underwear and stuff! (points to camera) And one of them has the greatest superpower of all: GUNS!! (pretends to fire a gun) Hey, I'm 90s Kid and (shucks his button shirt to reveal his "WYSIWYG" t-shirt underneath) what you see is what you get.
Linkara: Number 4: "Neutro #1"
(Cut to the ending panel of the comic)
Narrator: (audio from review) All we do know is that Neutro is the most terrifying menace... and the strongest force of good the world has ever seen.
Linkara (v/o): (audio from review) Yeah, I'm sure the alien robot of death that rains hellish destruction upon the world is truly a "force for good".
Narrator: (audio from review) Whichever group controls him holds the destiny of the world... Who will it be?
Linkara: A very good question. I hope they answer that in the next issue. Oh, wait, "Neutro" didn't have a second issue! Maybe it would've been more successful if you hadn't built him as a superhero while he was slaughtering THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE! And by the way, our strongest force for good is also easily overtaken by a ham radio set.
Linkara (v/o): Number 3: "Youngblood #1"
(Cut to Linkara's review of the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Yes, not only do they have their eyes tightly shut, but their mouths are clamped firmly down, even though there are both speech bubbles and caption boxes that indicate that people should be talking. The speech bubble for the news announcer doesn't even have an arrow connecting it to him. For all we know, they're just putting Bob Squarebody there on the screen while he took some NyQuil and someone else is trying to make it look like they're actually talking.
(Linkara is seen sitting with his eyes closed, while a news announcer's voice is heard offscreen, presumably Linkara's own voice)
News announcer: In the weather today, a cold front is moving in through the north and generally making things unpleasant. (Linkara starts to fall over) In other news, celebrities embarrass themselves by being utter incompetence when it came to their sex lives, and somehow, gossip about rich people qualifies as news that you need to be concerned with. (Linkara falls over completely) In the world of sports...
Linkara (v/o): Number 2: "Mr. T and the T-Force #1"
(Cut to Linkara's review for this comic, starting with a shot of the cover)
Linkara (v/o): In the comment section for this one, it was pointed out to me that I missed a great chance to make fun of the Mr. T comic because of a letter column. The publisher, Now Comics, actually made up letters for the column! I hadn't noticed since, after the "Doom's IV" incident, I never wanted to check letter columns again. Well, in preparation for this review, I went back to find the letter column and...
(Cut to a shot of other Now Comics advertised in the Mr. T comic)
Linkara (v/o): ...it's not there. Seriously, it's just an advertisement for other Now Comics. Maybe mine's a reprint or something, but that irritates me! I could've made so many jokes out of that!
Linkara: As a consolation prize, though, enjoy the letter column for "Mr. T and the T-Force #4".
(Cut to a page showing this column, labeled as "T-Time")
Linkara (v/o): Now, the laughable part about this are referencing "Mr. T and the T-Force #3". The problem is that comic books are usually completed months in advance of when they come out, and while there was indeed a three-month delay between issues 1 and 2, it's highly unlikely they were actually able to squeeze it in there when the others came out from month to month. As a result, let's enjoy the madness.
Letter #1: (Linkara reading) The art was super, and I love the message that it sends about drugs.
(Cut to a panel from "Mr. T and the T-Force #1", where Mr. T proclaims...)
Mr. T: It's a crack baby... fool!
(Cut back to the letters)
Letter #2: When I saw Mr. T on the Home Shopping Club selling his first issue, I loved what he said about not using any weapons in his comic...
Linkara: Yes, coercion and blackmail are the real weapons to use, kids!
Letter #3: Issue 3 of MR. T AND THE T-FORCE was T-RIFFIC!
Linkara: I suddenly understand why some publishers have stopped printing letter columns.
Letter #3: Not only was it packed full of (Linkara's voice turns dramatic as the following words pop up) POWERHOUSE EXCITEMENT, but when I was done reading it, I learned that this comic is teaching people to do something useful with themselves instead of fighting!
Linkara: I would just like to point out that Mr. T is perfectly willing to use violence to beat up drug dealers and smash cars.
Letter #4: Dear T-Force: I wanted to know if Mr. T has any super-powers...
Response to letter #4: No. Mr. T has no super-powers. In fact, he's just a regular person like you or me. Rather than relying on super-powers, he relies on the T-Force...
Linkara: (as this letter responder) Which we haven't really explained what that is, but it's totally not a super-power.
Response to letter #4: ...the communicator watches...
(Suddenly, Linkara's watch beeps to the Power Rangers theme and he answers it)
Linkara: Yes, Zordon, I'm on my way to the command center now!
Response to letter #4: ...and his trusty vid-cam. Rather than having super-strength, Mr. T uses his head to get him out of tricky situations.
(Linkara smirks, then snaps his fingers, showing a quick montage of the Mr. T Superpower Count, going up to 8)
Linkara (v/o): And the number-one missed opportunity of Atop the Fourth Wall is... "Captain Planet and the Planeteers #3"
Linkara: Back when I came to the brawl, I decided to do an interview with Ma-Ti in preparation for the review of this comic. But due to my bottomless stupidity, we just didn't have time to film it. Fortunately, when I broke into the Critic's house for the Alone in the Dark review, we were able to sit down and have that interview. And here we go, before we went widescreen.
Linkara: So, Ma-Ti, what's the big deal? You're acting pretty badass in this comic.
Ma-Ti: Yes, well, I was sick and tired of Ma-Ti being portrayed as a pussy, so yes, I went out and became a badass.
Linkara: (suddenly suspicious) Wait a second, haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Ma-Ti: Um, I'm just Ma-Ti. And, uh, yeah. I mean, look, Ted Turner can totally suck my–
Linkara: Wait a second, I know where I've seen you before! You were that guy who was pretending to be Ma-Ti to the Nostalgia Critic!
Ma-Ti: Um... well, uh... uh... I'M A MAN!
(Ma-Ti punches Linkara in the arm hard, knocking him backward, and then runs off)
Linkara: (clutching his arm) SON OF A...! (clings to the chair Ma-Ti was sitting on)
(Cut back to Linkara on his futon)
Linkara: So, there you have it, folks, the top 15 missed opportunities of 2009 and a bit of 2008. I wish you all a happy new year, and hopefully, I won't have to do this again next year. (gets up and leaves)
Due to the difficulties the season, no title card this week.
Happy New Year! Join us next week for more POWERHOUSE EXCITEMENT!
(Stinger: A shot of Batman from the "Amazons Attack" comic is shown)
Batman: (audio from review) An Amazon attack, a deadly bee weapon... Bees... My God.
(Cut to footage of the infamous bee scene from The Wicker Man)
Edward Malus (Nicholas Cage): OH, NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAHHHHH!! OH, THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES!! AAAAHHHHH!!! AAAAAGGHHH!!!!!