Top 15 Comics I'll Never Review
September 6, 2010
15 comics that I refuse to review!
(We see Linkara sitting on his green futon)
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop The Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. People want me to review a LOT of comics, from recommendations to just stuff that gets donated to me that people will think make a good review.
Linkara (v/o): And a lot of the time, I'm happy to do that because, well, they do deserve to get reviewed. However, there are also comics that people want me to review that for one reason or another, I don't want to. These can be ones heavily requested, or just one or two people asking for, and I don't want to do just because I don't think they're bad, and, well, with the occasional exception, this is a show about the bad stuff. Now, it's entirely possible that somewhere down the road, I may change my mind and decide to review them. But For the moment, this is me putting my foot down.
Linkara: But what are these comics that I don't want to review? Well that's why we're here today. This is the top 15 comics I'll never review.
(The opening sequence features Linkara's montage of comics being played over by Barenaked Ladies' "Never is Enough"; this is the countdown interlude footage throughout the video)
(We hear the AT4W theme and subtitles reading ATOP THE FOURTH WALL... PRODUCED AND HOSTED BY LEWIS LOVHAUG/THEME SONG BY VINCENT E.L (HTTP://WWW.SWENGLISH.NU)/BACKGROUND GRAPHICS BY NAGYMARCI (HTTP://WWW.NAGYMARCI.DEVIANTART.COM)/TITLE CARDS BY MASTERTHECREATER (HTTP://MASTERTHECREATOR.DEVIANTART.COM)
Number 15 - The Punisher Meets Archie
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, this isn't a joke. There's actually a comic featuring Archie and The Punisher. Obviously, this is a match-maid in heaven, right? A comic that features corny jokes, fairly family-friendly content, and that somehow has endured for 60 years, and a character whose entire motif is killing people. Why am I not gonna review it? Well, pretty straight-forward, actually. It's not that bad. Yeah, I was as surprised as anyone else, but it honestly doesn't have a lot to make fun of beyond the ridiculously bizarre concept. The Punisher learns that a gangster traveling to Riverdale who just happens to be a dead ringer for Archie.
Linkara: Okay, actually saying it out loud it sounds really stupid and contrived, but still ...
Linkara (v/o): ... hi-jinks ensue and there's a real feeling that the whole thing is done tongue-and-cheek. Comic readers don't live in heavily sheltered lives away from all public contact, you know. They knew full well going into this that it was silly and stupid. The Punisher Meets Archie, at least it doesn't have a giant talking cow head spitting out the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Number 14 - Marvel Zombies
Linkara (v/o): I've talked about the Ultimate Universe that Marvel produces. Marvel tends to keep the Ultimate Universe in the mainstream Marvel universe as pretty separate. To date, I'm not aware of any actual crossover between the two. However, a few years ago, it was teased in the pages of Ultimate Fantastic Four that there was going to be one. Ultimate Reed Richards was contacted by the Reed Richards of another universe, supposedly the one of the main Marvel Universe. He's told that an interdimensional crisis is occurring and that the intellects of several Reed Richards need to be brought together to deal with it. Ultimate Reed Richards constructs an interdimensional transporter and travels to what he thinks is going to be a similar earth to his own and instead enters hell. A zombie plague has infected this universe and it's entered full apocalypse mode. The remaining superheroes are all infected, all still intelligent, but have devoured most of the earth's population. However, with no more food left on their own, they hatched a plan so they can travel to the alternate universe and infect that as well. As the tagline reads the eventual mini-series spinning off from the story: "This is not a world of Marvel heroes; This is a world of Marvel zombies." The term Marvel Zombies used to refer to fans dedicated strictly to buying Marvel Comics and they decided to use it in what is supposed to be kind of dark humor.
Linkara: It's by no stretch a happy story, it's pretty damn disturbing at times, too. But, I do get a chuckle at some of the darker humor.
Linkara (v/o): Let me make this clear, this is a alternate universe, very much like JLA: Act of God. Unlike that story, however, the reason why they're acting out of character is actually given a reason and a believable one. Hell, it even spawned off an excellent crossover in the form of Marvel Zombies vs. Army of Darkness, where our beloved pal, Ash from the Evil Dead movies is forced to do battle with the zombie superheroes.
(Cut to a clip from Evil Dead 2.)
Linkara: And really, is there anything more awesome than seeing Bruce Campbell taking out zombie superheroes? Well, okay yes, but it's hard to top Robo-Bear vs. Cyber-Gorilla.
Number 13 - Batman No. 66
Linkara (v/o): This one isn't one that's heavily requested, but one that I just have to shake my head at. Why? It's because the reason why people want me to review it is because the word "boner" is in it, repeatedly. Yes people, the Silver Age was a time when the word "boner" meant something different than it does now. Really, it just comes off like people just want me to say the word "boner." So, if that's the case, then I shall give you what you want.
Linkara: Boner. Boner boner. Boner boning a boner. Boner boner. Erect penis.
Linkara (v/o): And yes, the issue itself is goofy, but of course it's goofy. It's the Silver Age. You couldn't have a story about grocery shopping without it involving three aliens in a rainbow colored version of the heroes' costume. But the word itself isn't enough for a review. Batman Number 66: The Boner One ... Boner.
Number 12 - Nextwave: Agents of Hate
Linkara (v/o): This one just confuses the heck out of me on why anyone would want me to review this. I review BAD comics. Nextwave is pure, unadulterated FUN and everything glorious about superhero comics. (along with caption) "Nextwave: Better than every other comic out there ever." Nextwave is the fast-paced story of a group of superheroes and ex-superheroes who are hired to supposedly fight terrorists, but have discovered that their employers are funded by terrorists. What follows are twelve issues of high-concept ideas thrown in one after another: dinosaurs, cloned broccoli henchmen, and Aaron Stack the Machine Man. (a/w Caption) "Nextwave: More robots and beer than the nerdiest frat party." Nextwave will never be on "Atop the Fourth Wall" because it is frickin' awesome and that is all that it ever has to be. Why aren't you guys buying it right now? (a/w Captions) "Nextwave: Suck it, literary criticism!"
Number 11 - Who Wants to be a Superhero?
Linkara (v/o): For those of you who never heard of it, Who Wants to be a Superhero was a reality show developed by Stan Lee in the Sci-Fi channel, before they decided that poor literacy is cool and that women preferred "y" instead of a "c" and an "i." The premise was that people auditioned as a superhero they invented and they get together to demonstrate that they have the character necessary to be a hero. The ultimate prize would be to appear in a one-shot comic produced by Dark Horse Comics and an appearance in a Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie. Yes, the prize itself was complete and utter garbage, but, hey, people will do a lot to earn the respect of someone like Stan Lee. And I understand why people want me to review them, but, to be perfectly honest, I watched Who Wants to be a Superhero when it was first aired, both seasons, Season 1 was better, and I loved it. Yeah, stupid stuff certainly happened, but it's the only reality show that I could say that I ever liked. And it was about trying to be a good person. The comics are bad, I'll freely admit, but not that bad. Seeing that brings a smile on my face from whenever I tune in every Thursday nights and enjoy what was otherwise a pretty damn enjoyable show. The Sci-Fi Channel Original Movies they featured in though can promptly be tossed in the garbage for rats to use as a toilet. Who Wants to be a Superhero?: reminding us to ...
(Cut to clip from show featuring Major Victory)
Major Victory: Be a winner, not a wiener.
Number 10 - Lost Girls
Linkara (v/o): Everyone knows that I think Alan Moore is awesome. Not only is he responsible for one of the pioneering works of superhero fiction, but he's also the creator and former long-time writer of Tom Strong, a series I've only recently got into, but it's the benchmark of truly enjoyable superhero comics. Seriously, go out and buy it right now. You will not be disappointed. However, one of his works is a bit more controversial, Lost Girls. The premise is that older versions of Wendy from Peter Pan, Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, and Alice from Alice in Wonderland meet in a resort and tell stories about their sexual misadventures when they were teenagers. Alan Moore's wife Melinda Gebbie was the artist on that. Now, there's a very specific reason why people want me to review this and it's the exact same reason why I'm not going to review it. It's pornography. I'm not exaggerating here. Moore and Gebbie openly declared that it's porn and that was part of the point of it; that they wanted to make better porn, more artistic porn. That the genre itself is lacking in work and is underrepresented and they wanted to elevate it past, well, what porn is.
Linkara: One could wonder why they chose underage porn to do that and no, I frankly don't care what the age of consent laws are in different states or different countries, it's still squicky.
Linkara (v/o): But, yeah, I don't want to review Lost Girls because it's porn and I don't review porn. Oh, and because it's fricking expensive. It's $95 from Amazon.com (Caption: $90 now) for a brand-new copy and I recall it being similarly priced at Barnes and Noble, and that's before taxes and shipping. I'm not paying a hundred bucks for porn, I've got the internet, dangit! Lost Girls: it's porn, knowing through the creative team it's probably well-written, beautifully-drawn porn, but still porn.
Number 9 - Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose
Linkara (v/o): Same reason for here, it's friggin' porn. But, unlike Alan Moore, who at least has a tracking record behind him that can make us believe that he can elevate porn into something more than wanking material, we conversely have the art and writing of Jim Balent, probably best known, at least to me anyways, as being the guy who drew Catwoman with massive boobs. Tarot is a messed-up, weird little series and I don't even know where to start with this. Okay, there's a busty witch named Tarot and her boyfriend named Skeleton Man and they apparently fight supernatural crime while frequently getting naked and, no, I do not know or understand anything about the series, really, and, quite honestly, I hope I never do. Any and all information about the series that I have comes strictly from the Invincible Super-Blog and it's recounting of it, which brings people to a specific issue they want me to review. Yes, yet again, it's simply a matter of people wanting me to repeat a phrase that was in the comic, specifically Issue number 53, because it achieves semi-internet meme status. And now, for your auditory pleasure, here is that line of dialogue: "Samantha Brown! You have to get out of here! Your vagina is haunted!"
Linkara: Nope, I'm not going to say it again. I think that first time summed it up nicely. And no, I won't give context, either. It's not like It'll help any. Look it up yourselves.
Linkara (v/o): Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose: haunted vaginas and ginormous boobs.
Number 8 - Maximum Carnage
Linkara (v/o): This one comes down to a difference of opinion. A lot of people requested this one, but I refuse wholeheartedly, mostly because I like Maximum Carnage. Most of you should be at least partially familiar with Venom, one of Spiderman's deadliest enemies. Venom is an alien symbiote that forms a costume around someone. However, once upon a time, Venom spawned another symbiote costume that bonded with a psychotic killer named Cletus Kasady. Together, they became Carnage and it was only thanks to Venom and Spiderman joining forces that Carnage was defeated. However, Carnage returned, having permanently bonded with the symbiote and, in the event called Maximum Carnage, joined up with a bunch of other super-villains to cause general mayhem, death, and destruction. In turn, Spiderman joined up with venom and a couple of B-list and A-list superheroes to stop Carnage's reign of terror. And, frankly, I like this story. Honestly, I don't understand the hate that gets thrown in this one. Because it's too long? Ehh, fourteen issues I can see that, but honestly, it's actually a pretty breezy read for me. It never feels like it's dragging. Because it's overly violent? True, but unlike Countdown, that was part of the point to the story. Violent anti-hero brand of grim and gritty kill-the-enemy style heroics were bad and didn't work. Also, unlike Countdown, nobody dies! Well, okay, several civilians died, but no main or secondary characters die, which already puts it leagues above half of the big events I could list. The plot makes no sense? Are we reading the same book? Carnage is on the loose with a posse of psychos, heroes run around trying to stop them. Because there are D-list characters making up the good guys and bad guys? Well, yah, but that worked up fine in 52. Sure, they're not as well-developed in Maximum Carnage as in that masterpiece, but this is Spiderman's story we're talking about. It's too preachy? Not really, especially when we see that they're valid arguments presented on both sides of the fence. Because there are incredibly silly plot elements like the happy gun at the end? True, but we're talking about a book that features a guy who was bitten by a radioactive spider joining forces with an alien symbiote costume to fight off another alien symbiote costume through the use of sonic weapons and a superheroine who can shoot fire out of her hands. This is the kind of silliness that superhero comics exist for. So, no, I'm not reviewing it. You are free to have your own opinion, but in mine, Maximum Carnage doesn't suck.
Number 7 - Marvel vs. DC
Linkara (v/o): This is, yet again, a story that I don't understand why people want me to review it. It's best not to take this story very seriously. Of course, the most hardcore fanboys will debate about whose stable of superheroes could beat who, but in the mid 90's, DC and Marvel got together and decided, "Okay, let's do what fans have always wanted us to do, duke it out." And thus came DC vs. Marvel or Marvel vs. DC, both titles were used. The plot is that two god-like entities, both representing the opposing universes, have finally become aware of each other and are jealous of each other's existence. So, they decide that since any open battle between them would be disastrous, they'll use representatives from their respected universes to determine whose world lives and whose dies. The winners were determined by fan vote and ultimately Marvel won through. But, because obviously we can't destroy the other universe, the two companies briefly merge together and released a brief line of one-shots under the logo of Amalgam Comics, featuring merged versions of characters: like Dark Claw, a merging of Wolverine and Batman, or Super Soldier, a merging of Superman and Captain America. Ultimately, the universes are separated and the entities make peace, simply telling the other, "you've done well."
Linkara: Yes, it's incredibly silly and cheesy, but I rather like it and I don't get what it is that's got people wanting me to tear it a new one.
Linkara (v/o): Okay, the Amalgam Comics ranged from silly to enjoyable to downright stupid, but I've seen a lot worse out there and there's nothing to be said about camaraderie between the two competing companies that I don't really see happening these days. Marvel vs. DC or DC vs. Marvel: either way, they both won.
Number 6 - Manga
Linkara: Okay, yes, I know that in my introduction video I said that if I ever found a manga that was bad enough I would review it, but my opinion has changed since then.
Linkara (v/o): While I've read many manga, personal favorites being Steam Detectives and Pet Shop of Horrors, I am really not qualified to critique them. Yes, they are sequential art, but they're sequential art from a culture with different standards and ideas than the ones I'm used to and have studied. The storytelling tools and methods of conveying any number of ideas are different, and, frankly, I'm not into manga enough to be the one to rip them to shreds. Besides, manga is in Y Ruler of Time's department these days. As such, please stop requesting this one (Mobile Suit Gundam F90). It isn't going to happen unless I do a crossover. And, yes, I know about the X-Men manga or the Marvel mangaverse all the like. Honestly, I've seen a whole bunch of them and most of them are either not that bad or just different and weird. Manga: I just don't know. Also, when is Steam Detectives Volume 9 coming out? Answer me, dammit!
Number 5 - Political satire comics
Linkara (v/o): Remember back in my Athena review that I talked about the strange trend in 2008 - 2009 for President Obama to appear in three dozen comic books that had nothing to do with him? Well, here's one that's a direct parody, Barack the Barbarian. Oh, actually, it's apparently played entirely straight, just with modern American political figures filling in other roles. It is absolutely stupid and I'm not reviewing it! I refuse to read this junk. Fine, it's a parody, whatever. Oh, but it's not a parody. Barack Obama collects Conan and Spiderman comics, so let's make him the star in the freakin' book, except it's a sword and sorcery-Gaaahh!! Look, just do a stupid parody and leave it be. This is a dumb idea as it is, along the same veins as any comic about an actual person and turning them into something they're not. It only works as a parody, otherwise, it's just goofy and not worth my time. If I want a straight epic fantasy, why the hell should I read one with the President? Fantasy and Science fiction are escapist literature, meant to take us AWAY from the real world. Don't pull this kind of crap with someone who're still alive; it's just embarrassing. Now, you do it with someone who's been dead for 150 years, then you've got something, like Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I've never actually read the book and yet the title itself is all I ever need to say, "That's the most awesome thing I've heard since Nextwave!" (Along with caption) "Nextwave: Contains vampire-slaying, Abraham Lincoln robot clones."
Linkara: Of course, they're bad, they're propaganda. But I get enough flat whenever I make the occasional political joke. So, what the heck am I supposed to do when the entire comic is a big political joke.
Linkara (v/o): Political satire comics: I don't want to see President Obama fighting zombies or John McCain riding a T-Rex. I do want to see Teddy Roosevelt doing that, though. (Caption: (above) "Teddy Roosevelt" (below) "Conqueror of the T-Rex" on a picture of Theodore Roosevelt.)
Number 4 - Motion comics, movies, or cartoons
Linkara (v/o): Guys, the show is about COMIC BOOKS. I specialize in COMIC BOOKS. To be perfectly honest, I rarely take that much interest in upcoming superhero movies or TV shows. Will I go see them and try to enjoy myself? Oh, hell yah. Most of the time. But they're not my thing. I follow the oncoming stories that are occurring, not Hollywood's distilled versions. Yes, they can be entertaining. The Iron Man movies have been great as have been Christopher Nolan-held Batman movies. I am not however waiting impatiently for the Wonder Woman movie or even the upcoming Avengers movie. Will I go see them? Oh hell yeah. And you'll see me tweet about them or make jokes about them. But, beyond that, I just don't care that much. You may have noticed that the only times I really got upset about the movies are when they're bad or when they arbitrarily change things from the source material, like the dumb changes to The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, or the minor things in Watchmen, or the pointless additions and subtractions in V for Vendetta.
Linkara: Hmm, come to think of it, Alan Moore keeps getting punched in the gut by Hollywood. I hate to think what would happen if they tried to adapt Lost Girls.
Linkara (v/o): And, when I was younger, I watched a lot of superhero cartoons, like the 90's Spiderman and X-Men series or Bruce Timm's animated DC Universe, which in many ways, I will admit, is superior to its comic book counterpart. But these days, I don't really watch a lot of TV. It's nothing against what's out there, it's just, I don't care. I don't care about some new iteration of Spiderman or who will be the next character on Brave and the Bold, for the record, I've seen the episodes featuring The Blue Beetle and they are awesome. If I'm going to review these things, I want to save them for something really special, like a crossover with one of those other people I apparently share a website with. And then there's motion comics.
Linkara: I ... really ... do not care about motion comics ... at all.
Linkara (v/o): Okay, to be fair, a motion comic is basically the equivalent of a book-on-tape but with limited animation, but I just don't see the point. I can see the benefits of it, certainly, but, I gotta say, I did not look at Watchmen and say to myself, "You know what's missing? Dr. Manhattan's arm moving a little." But, yah, I just don't care about motion comics. I care about COMICS. Not to say that I wouldn't eventually review one of them, but, right now, I'm content with sequential art without someone talking over it.
Number 3 - Webcomics
Linkara (v/o): No! I will not review webcomics, ever. This isn't one I'm gonna turn around on either. The only way you can get around this is that if the comic I'm reviewing was originally a web comic but then was released in printed form. But the thing is, most printed web comics are gag-a-day strips in collected form. I've got a few of them too, like Short Packed and Penny Arcade, but why the hell would I review either of those? They don't suck! "But wait," the internet cried back, "Let me tell you about the horror that is called Sonichu!"
Linkara: Yes, people, I've heard of Sonichu. I really wish I HADN'T heard of Sonichu. I'd be a much HAPPIER man if I hadn't.
Linkara (v/o): Sonichu is some bizarre webcomic apparently put out by a guy named Christian Weston Chandler, or Chris-Chan for short, and he has some freakish hybrid of Sonic and Pikachu. The guy is a creepy stalker who apparently also suffers from autism and severe emotional problems, but even then I can't be certain of any factual authenticity about it. I don't want to review this crap because I don't want it to get any attention. I want this guy and his weird self-insertiant fan-fic/fanart to go to some dark corner of the internet and just let it disappear. Conversely, the average webcomic is fine, either good or bad. I read a couple, like the ones I mentioned before, as well as Wonderella, Schlock Mercenary, Comic Critics, and Multiplex. Now, many have tried to make their web comics into their jobs with varying success. However, the majority of webcomic producers do it as a hobby. And frankly, the reason I don't wanna review webcomics overall is because I'm not gonna make fun of someone for doing something that they do for their own enjoyment, no matter how bad or unfunny it might be (caption: "None of the comics I'm showing are, though."). Professional comics are a product that I have to purchase and I expect quality from them. Besides, hey, I've got my own webcomic with some rather embarrassingly bad first storylines, so I know things take time to improve. Web comics: labor of love or just a creepy cry for help.
Number 2 - One More Day
Linkara (v/o): Okay, everybody saw this one coming from a mile away. The answer, since so many people have been requesting it and asking about it, is no. No! I will not review One More Day. I don't even get why people have been asking. I've made it clear from the start what my problem with this book is. I had no significant complaints, until ONE major thing. SPIDERMAN MAKES A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL!! And no, Joe Quesada, you cannot say he isn't the devil. He's red!! He has horns!! He has frickin' goat feet and he resides in hell and makes deals with souls!! HE'S THE DEVIL!! Even if he wasn't the devil, he'd still be a horrible evil force that you cannot trust to honor bargains. But if you people REALLY want a review on this, allow me to explain to all of you just how on every conceivable level this idea makes no sense. One: Why the hell does Mephisto want their marriage? He said it's because their love is sooooo pure and wonderful and blah, blah, blah. So frickin' what? They'll die eventually and their souls will be in heaven. Souls are things that actually have some form of value to you for true torment, which brings me to my next point. Two: supposedly, this is going to "torment them." He says that a small part of them will always remember that they used to be together and it will tear away at them that they can never be together. Well, if that's true, they do a fantastically good fricking job at hiding it two issues after this moronic deal. Spidey is macking some girl on a rave and, later, Mary-Jane is seen with some other jackass. Compare that to the most recent season of Doctor Who. This woman, Amy Pond, loses the man she loves, not just that he dies but that he's completely erased from history and she can no longer consciously remember him. In the episodes that follow, she's silently weeping and crying, but she can't remember why.
(Cut to a clip from an episode: Rory Williams is next to Amy as he notices tears stroking down her cheeks)
Rory Williams: You're crying.
(Amy, noticing her tears, wipes them away)
Linkara (v/o): That's how you show torment you third-rate morons. (Back to One More Day) They're not in torment, they're fine. Well, Mary-Jane remembers the deal, which brings me to my next point. Three: why does Mary-Jane remember the deal? This could have been explained away by whatever she whispered into Mephisto's ear so that Peter could quote unquote "have a chance of happiness," but two years later, we finally got an explanation of what she said. Would you like to know what she said?
Mary-Jane: I know Peter. He will never make this deal with you, never, ever -- unless -- I ask him to. But if I do, this is the end of it. You will leave him alone for the rest of his days.
Linkara (v/o): Where in that crap did you see "Oh, and I wanna remember the deal but not him?" Oh, and take a look at the writing of those sentences and see if you notice some flaws, which brings me to point number four. HE'S THE DEVIL!! He's all about finding loopholes in deals you make with him! You cannot trust him because he's the devil! "You will leave him alone for the rest of his days." Well, how nice, Mary-Jane, but notice how you didn't protect your own ass in that statement, or any of his other friends and loved ones. Mephisto is free to screw with them as much as he wants and then, by extension, torment Peter. Or, even better, if you want to interpret the words on a literal level, "leave him alone" means that he will NEVER be in a happy, prosperous relationship again.
Linkara: Which, come to think of it, is exactly what Joe Quesada wants because he's a moron who thinks that married people can't make for good drama because that is what a hack thinks!!
Linkara (v/o): Point the fifth: where exactly in this deal does it stipulate, "I want his secret identity wiped from the minds of everyone in the Marvel Universe and all images of his unmasking erased?" Why would the devil go the extra mile in a deal that's already technically screwing with them over with the whole "you can't touch them anymore" nonsense? Oh, and, of course, that leads to my final point that pretty much shows that this whole ret-con makes absolutely no fricking sense. Six: HOW CAN MEPHISTO DO ALL THIS?!! Yes, he's the devil, but if he possesses the awesome and immense powers to reshape and alter reality, like he can here, why has he never done this until now? It's not like he never appeared before this story, he could have done this at ANY time to alter circumstances to his favor. You're telling me that he can do this, but he waits for a dumbass little deal like this before he does?!! Oh, and because I need to encourage some GOOD comic-reading, check out The Flash number 127 through 129, wherein One More Day is done with The Flash, except well-written, exciting, and makes a hell of a lot more sense in terms of character actions and the ultimate resolution.
Linkara: There! There's your review! Are you happy now? I hate this comic! I hate everything about this comic! I never want to see it ever again! I don't wanna remember that it exists! Joe Quesada, YOU ARE A HAAAAAAACK!!
And the Number 1 comic I'll never review, Sonic comics.
Linkara: Let me make this as clear as humanly possible. I, DO NOT, CARE ABOUT SONIC!!. Do you wanna know what Sonic the Hedgehog is to me?
(cut to footage from Sonic the Hedgehog on SEGA Genesis)
Linkara (v/o): THIS! This is Sonic to me, a video game from my childhood with some pretty damn good sequels on a console that I had when I was a little kid. No! I did not watch Sonic SAT AM, nor do I wish to. Sonic comics are the things that people requested me the most and NOBODY has given me a damn good reason why the hell I should bother with these things. (cut to various covers of Sonic comics) They give me recommendations for arcs to review. They don't tell me WHY they suck beyond maybe a little crappy artwork and some continuity issues. Is there some bizarre PSA message? Are the characters forced to do a porno? Do Amazons attack? No, it's bad art and continuity issues. I hate to break it to you, people, but I don't read them, so why the heck should I care if Knuckles isn't acting in character. Dear lord, the comments section for a review from like a year ago, two posters got into an argument about the comics and I had no idea what the hell they were talking about. I just approved the comments and throw up my hands. I haven't played any of the recent games. I haven't watched ANY Sonic show, okay I've seen bits of Sonic the Hedgehog at like 7AM but that was it. I don't know who any of these characters are and I don't want to know.
Linkara: And that is final, I'm putting my foot down! I refuse to review any Sonic comics! What are you gonna do about it, huh? (The room shakes for whatever reason and a character in shades and a black beanie (played by Lewis's real life father) transport nearby the door.)
Linkara: What the hell?
????: I am the embodiment of the internet and your fandom.
Linkara: What do you want with me?
Internet embodiment: Linkara, we are displeased. You have angered us with your words. You will submit to our demands or we will stop watching you.
Linkara: What? But it's my show.
IE: If you wish to appease us, then you must review ... SONICHU!!
IE: (nonchalant) Okay then, I guess you just got to review a Sonic comic.
Linkara: (reluctantly) Oh Okay. (Thinks for a minute) Wait, what?
IE: We rate the review! (disappears)
Linkara: (confused) Well, um, tune in next week, I guess, when I review a Sonic comic. (calm) Oh, and it's also gonna be the 100th episode.
What's that? Some of those weren't comic? Well... ummm... uhh... Oh my God, look over there!
Was ANYBODY asking for Lobo vs. Wolverine?
Before I decided not to review Manga, I was thinking of doing Cyborg Grandpa-G. What the hell is up with that series?
I'd even settle for fan-translations of the stuff that happens after Steam Detectives volume 8. THROW ME A BONE HERE!
Joker: His emphasis on boners has given me an idea for a new adventure in crime! Gotham City will rue the day it mentioned the word boner! (evil laugh)