Top 11 Dumbest Superman Moments
April 15, 2009
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to!
Superman film series footage
NC (voiceover): What can you say about the action-packed, family-friendly Superman movies. I love them--well, most of them--well, some of them...2 of them. But either way, they're part of the all American icon that is...Superman. Now for as good as these movies get, and as bad as these movies get, they all have their fill of stupid, STUPID moments.
NC: Now I know they're supposed to be lighter and more friendly, but most of time, they just come off as logically idiotic. That's why I have compiled a list of the Top 11 Dumbest Moments in the Superman films. Why Top 11? Because I like to go one step beyond. So sit back and enjoy the Top 11 Stupidest Superman Moments.
Superman I opening is the intro and title screen; Interlude
NC (voiceover): Number 11--The Casting of Superman Returns.
NC (voiceover): Now I don't mean cast members like Kevin Spacey and Frank Langella. They did okay. What I'm mainly referring to is Brandon Routh as Superman and Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane. I mean, they weren't god awful or anything, but they look 16! It's like if Superman met Dawson's Creek.
NC (voiceover): Oh, wait, they already did that, but you get my point. They're simply too young to be in these roles.
Footage from Superman I
NC (voiceover): When I saw the first Superman movie, I didn't see actors. I saw friggin' Superman and Lois Lane.
Superman Returns footage
NC (voiceover): When I saw this new movie, I saw kids dressing up for Halloween. Where'd the real actors go?
Lois Lane: Sounds cheesy. I know.
NC (voiceover): On top of that, they were pretty bland. I mean, both of them are supposed to be strong-willed, clever and spunky characters. But here, it's like watching 1st graders holding hands at a school play. You didn't really buy it.
Lex Luthor: It's a little...alien.
NC (voiceover): I guess the reasoning behind this casting was despite his age, Brandon Routh did look an awful lot like Christopher Reeve.
NC: Well if that's the reasoning, why didn't you hire...
Baby picture with Superman face
NC (voiceover): ...this kid then?
Superman Returns footage
NC (voiceover): I don't know. Like I said, these two aren't horrible; they're just miscast, and when your protagonists look like people you ask to the prom rather than All-American heroes, something is definitely wrong.
Lois: Personally, I think that's a load of crap.
NC (voiceover): Number 10--The Dumb-Ass Kid at Niagra Falls from Superman II.
Footage from movie
NC (voiceover): Yeah, you remember this little moron? I mean, I know you gotta put people in perilous situations, but how dumb is this kid? And where the hell is his mother?!?
Kid: Hey! Mom! Look!
Mother: (not even paying attention) Uh-Huh. Yeah, honey. That's nice.
NC: (mimicking mother) Just don't fall off into the waterfall, okay, honey? I lost 5 of your brothers that way.
NC (voiceover): I know kids do stupid things, but this is pretty hard to swallow. I mean, does the idiot have a death wish? My guess is he's probably friends with that girl who plays hopscotch off a cliff on that Korn album.
Kid falls off rail
NC: (sarcastically gasps) That came totally out of nowhere!
NC (voiceover): (as the Kid) Remember me as a foolish clod!
NC (voiceover): (normal) Of course, though, Superman comes in to rescue the boy and save the day.
NC (voiceover): (as Superman): Take that, Darwin! Natural selection doesn't win today.
Superman returns kid to dry land
Superman: There you go.
Kid: Again! Again!
Superman: No. I'm sorry. Only one ride to a customer.
NC: (mimicking Superman) And if you try to commit suicide again, I'll kill you.
NC (voiceover): Number 9--The Romantic Flying Scene "Recap" from Superman IV .
Footage from Superman I
NC (voiceover): Now we all remember the flying scene from the first Superman. It was charming, romantic and all that other mushy stuff.
Superman IV footage
NC (voiceover): But when you try to recreate it scene by scene, that's just embarrasing. Okay, so it starts out with Superman wanting to talk to Lois about something important. Rather than just fly to her apartment like before, he decides he wants to fuck around with her a bit.
Lois: Clark? Clark! Thing's aren't that bad! Clark! Stop!
She and Clark start falling off her patio, until Clark turns into Superman and saves her.
Lois takes off Superman's glasses
Lois: (whispering) Superman!
NC: (as Superman) Ah ha ha! I thought the threat of imminent death would be good for a laugh! Ah ha ha ha! Seriously though, I am a human god.
NC (voiceover): So they decide to go flying around for some reason, as Lois has no questions about her co-worker of 20 years being the Man of friggin' Steel. She just kind of accepts it like she found an extra 20 in her pocket. Now this scene in all honesty wouldn't be quite so bad if they didn't rip off every single moment from the first one! Gee, is he gonna fly through the city side by side with her like the 1st one? You bet! Is he gonna support her with just his finger tips, which the laws of weight and mass totally says is impossible? You know it! Is he going to let her fall just so he can swoop down and save her? Well, it wouldn't be a complete rip-off if he didn't, would it? Outside of just using the direct clips, there's absolutely no difference between this scene and the one from the 1st film. What was the point of it? Who knows. Maybe it was just to take the Number 9 spot on this moronic countdown.
Superman: It's not fair.
NC (voiceover): Number 8--The Woman and the Baby Carriage from Superman II.
Various dumb mother footage
NC (voiceover): I'm sensing a pattern here that all mothers in Superman movies are complete morons. Lois included in the latest film too. (Picture of Lois's son from Superman Returns with a photoshopped Superman costume on him as NC whispers) How much more obvious can you friggin' get?!?
Superman II footage
NC (voiceover): But this one takes the cake as a large tower is about to fall on a woman and her baby. So what does she do? Absolutely nothing! No, worse than nothing! She covers the child with her body! Yeah, that'll save you, ya brainless bimbo!
NC: They're called legs! You move them back and forth to create a running motion!
NC (voiceover): Look at this: At the rate the tower is falling, and the way she's standing there crying, she could've run to Florida and back by now!
Superman saves her and the baby by catching the tower in the nick of time and carrying it away
Mother: Thank you!
NC: (mimicks the Mother) Thank you for not making me run in heels! Hahahaha! I almost killed my only son...
NC (voiceover): I don't know why mothers are so stupid in these movies, but quite frankly, this is why I think sometimes you need a LICENSE to be a parent.
Ursa: Like pets?
Zod: I suppose so.
NC (voiceover): Number 7--The Special Effects of Superman IV
NC (voiceover): To the credit of the first two films, you could never see those wires that were holding him up. Superman IV? Not so much. Look at all these wire shots! They don't even try to cover them. Or how about the effects in the scene I showed you a moment ago? Yeah! Lois is falling pretty fast there, isn't she? She's falling to the ground like a...feather. Now how about this: You can actually see the black curtains that are supposed to be outer space!
NC: THIS IS LIKE AN ED WOOD MOVIE!
NC (voiceover): How about this scene where he's carrying the Statue of Liberty? Wow! Instant movie magic. And how about this one stupid blue-screen shot that they keep using over and over and over again? You'd think as time went on, the effects would get better for these movies, but in Superman's case, it isn't the lead we can't see through; rather those thick bulging wires that constantly keep getting in the way. This looks like a job for...Photoshop!
NC (voiceover): Number 6--Those Stupid, STUPID Glasses.
Stupid glasses footage
NC (voiceover): From which movie? All of them! How come nobody can ever see past them? Is it really that great a disguise? Look! There's even a scene where Lois takes off Clark's glasses leaving him totally exposed!
NC: (points to the camera) SOMEBODY FRIGGIN' NOTICE HIM!
NC (voiceover): I mean, how is everybody constantly fooled? This idea is so flawed that just about everybody in the world has made fun of it. The Tick, Mystery Men, and many more. It's a suspension of disbelief that quite frankly everybody disbelieves. But it could be worse. He could disguise himself as a British nanny when secretly inside, he's just a hairy, loud, obnoxious comedian. (Mrs. Doubtfire. Thank you!)
NC: (laughing) But that wouldn't be nearly as plausible, would it?
Stupid glasses footage
NC (voiceover): Clark Kent. If you can't see past his glasses, then quite frankly, you need glasses.
NC: (adjusts his own glasses) ...and that's no shame.
NC (voiceover): Number 5--The Birth of Nuclear Man from Superman IV .
NC (voiceover): Now the first thing I thought, when I heard Nuclear Man, was that weird Captain Planet spin-off, Captain Pollution*...
(*He should know that there was no Captain Planet spin-off. He should've said, "...weird Captain Planet villain Captain Pollution.)
NC (voiceover): ...and to be fair, I wasn't really that far off. Nuclear Man was created from Superman throwing all the nuclear missiles of the world into the sun--don't ask, it's a long story--as Lex Luthor gets a snip of Superman's hair and uses his genetic material to make a clone. Don't ask, it's an even longer story. When the missiles are tossed with the hair inside, he gives birth to Nuclear Man. Alright, I'm actually willing to buy some of this nonsensical bullshit up to a certain point, and that point is: Who is born with skin-tight spandex and a cape?
NC: What chapter of DNA genetic structure says that's possible?!?
NC (voiceover): I mean, did he put a strand of Superman's costume in there as well? How does that work? Well, in any case, Nuclear Man's birthday suit is quite literally a suit, leaving us with all sorts of questions of implausibility. So, since you're born with an already fitted gay-pride parade costume on, what are you gonna do?
Nuclear Man: First...I have fun!
NC: Dressed like that, I'm sure you'll find it.
NC (voiceover): Number 4--The Opening of Superman III.
Footage from Superman III
NC (voiceover): Talk about a movie that was already doomed from the start. First of all, look at these credits. All the Superman films began with the credits flying in space, with that kick-ass John Williams music. But this one, it looks like they were added in at the last minute. It's like that stupid Star Wars text option that comes with most movie editing software. And after that, it's pretty much just a half-assed Laurel and Hardy routine, as a guy trips looking at a woman, a lady on roller blades crashes into a hot dog cart, the hot dog cart knocks over some phone booths, a toy penguin is set on fire, which scares a little doggy, that knocks a woman over carrying groceries...
Mouse Trap commercial footage
Cat (singing): Flip the man into the pan! Knock the ball in the rub-a-dub tub! Mouse Trap! I guarantee it's the craziest trap you'll ever...
NC (voiceover): Um...you get the idea. It's about as obnoxiously overblown as a comedy routine can get, looking absolutely nothing like a Superman movie. In fact, the title just passes by. You wouldn't even notice it, but how can you when a blind man confuses his walking dog for a road painter--yeah, 'cause all blind people are friggin' idiots, right?--a car speeds out-of-control, hits a fire-hydrant, starts filling up with water--you figure that one out--as Superman comes to rescue the guy from drowning in his own vehicle on dry land. This is like the Dominos of human misery. Seriously, all that's missing to top of this cliche comedic slush is a fucking mime-- (and cue the mime!) OH, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
NC: This honestly does not...seem...real!
NC (voiceover): I don't think there's enough "wah-wah" music to get us through this opening.
After 5 wah-wah's in the opening the wah-wah machine blows up, all because of this stupid opening
NC: Oh, great! Ya blew up the wah-wah machine!
NC (voiceover): One gigantic comedic moment one after another. The only thing missing? The humor.
Superman gives last photo-booth picture to kid
Kid: Thank you!
Superman pats kid's head and runs off
NC (voiceover): Number 3--The Mind Scrambling Kiss from Superman II.
NC (voiceover): This happens after Lois finds out Superman's secret identity. They go all the way through the movie - and I mean all the way - until they get to the very end, as Superman feels Lois' life would be a lot easier if she never knew who he really was. So he gives her a kiss that somehow deletes all memory about him being Superman.
Lois: What's happening in the world?
NC (voiceover): How the fuck does that work? Is there a mind-altering breath mint he slips her, or does his tongue just work it's way into her brain and take out the parts he doesn't like? For that matter, why doesn't he use this power more often?
NC: I mean...it'd be weird, but he could technically use that kiss to give all the supervillains amensia.
Fake Superman animation (done by NC)
NC (voiceover): He'd fly up to Lex Luthor and he'd be like...
"Luthor": Superman, allow me to explain my evil plo--
Superman kisses him
"Luthor": Who the hell am I?
NC: I mean, ok, it'd be gross, but imagine how many lives you could save!
NC (voiceover): This was obviously used to get people back to the status quo: Lois doesn't know who Superman is, so he keeps the romantic mystery alive, but really, the only mystery left in all of this is: How the hell did that kiss work?
Luthor: Not one of your great thinkers.
NC (voiceover): Number 2--Richard Pryor in Superman III.
NC (voiceover): Now we've all seen Richard Pryor on stand-up and even other movies, so we know this guy was not only funny; he was a comic legend. But I think somebody forgot to tell him that when he did Superman III, because good God, this is one of the unfunniest performances ever. And it wouldn't be so bad if he didn't have too much screen time, but to be honest, I think he actually has more time on screen than Superman does! Just listen to his hilarious antics.
(Scenes of Pryor being unfunny and NC looking confused are alternated)
August "Gus" Gorman (Richard Pryor): ...and he was great! He was just flying arou--shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Cape was blowing in the wind--shhhhhhhhh!--and he lands right in the middle of this big plane station--shhhh! Duh-duh-duh-duhhhh! Right? And he looked, checked everything out, right, with his x-ray vision before he did that! Dried up everything! Just like that! I'm talking about drying up like the machines they have in the man's rooms! You know what I'm talking about! The hot air come out and put your hands on it! Then you dry it off! Sometimes they don't work! All right? It was raws! It was d-da big...ha ha!
NC: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wait, NOTHING WAS FUNNY!
NC (voiceover): Get off the stage!
Gus: Superman's bad!
NC: No, you're bad.
NC (voiceover): I mean, you're reeeeeeeeallllllly bad. I seriously don't know who's to blame: the director, the actor, the writer. I-I don't know, but nothing about him works. It's like one of those gamma rays came out and sucked out all the funny from him. I mean, what happened?
Gus: Don't call me a bum. I'm not a bum!
NC (voiceover): From comedic god to comedic clod, this is one performance from a comedy legend that I'm sure he wants to forget.
Gus: Thank the Lord...for Superman!
NC (voiceover): And the Number 1 Dumbest Superman Moment is--Spinning the Earth Backwards from Superman I.
NC (voiceover): It's ironic that the first and best of the movies should have the biggest flaw, but in this nonsensical moronic conclusion to an otherwise flawless movie, it's pretty hard to overlook. It all starts as Lois Lane actually dies in an earthquake because Superman could only stop one missile, but not the other. So, we have a very sad and very dramatic moment which is suddenly botched by probably the biggest cop-out in Superman history: Superman flies around the world several times, forcing rotation of the Earth to go backwards, thus sending everything back in time. That way, he could stop the other missile, allowing Lois to live.
NC: (frowns) Where the hell do I begin?
Superman I footage
NC (voiceover): First, if you stop the Earth and spin it back in time, you wouldn't time travel!
Pinky & the Brain footage
NC (voiceover): People would just fall off the friggin' thing.
Brain: ..and everyone will fly off the face of the Earth.
Pinky falls off...or at least, off the globe
Superman I footage
NC (voiceover): Second, if Superman can fly so fast that he could spin the Earth backwards, why the hell couldn't he just get both missiles then? (Two green arrows point to two random locations on the planet) Look, one would be there, and one would be there. HE PASSES THEM IN, LIKE, A NANOSECOND!
Luthor: Even you with your great speed couldn't stop both of them.
NC: No! He's just fast enough to fly around the Earth and change the rotation!
Superman I footage
NC (voiceover): Third, if he went back to save Lois, then that must mean there's another Superman somewhere stopping the one other missile from before.
Double Superman footage
NC (voiceover): So, really, shouldn't there be 2 Supermans flying around. I mean, where's the other one? And if he didn't get so angry because Lois didn't die, does that mean he wouldn't have no reason to spin the Earth back to begin with?
NC: Fourth, WHY hasn't he done this before?!?
Superman I footage
NC (voiceover): I mean, wasn't there a day when he came in late to work and was like...
NC: (mimicking Superman, looks at his wrist to check the "time") Ooh, 9:05. They'll dock my pay if I'm late again.
NC (still as Superman) quickly gets up from his seat to leave and spin the earth backwards
NC: (returns to his seat to check the "time" again) 8:59! Right on schedule!
Superman I footage
NC (voiceover): That's four problems with my Number 1 pick as people still today can't figure out the technicals of this scene. No logic, no reason, no way that this moment makes any sense whatsoever.
NC: And those are the Top 11 Stupidest Superman Moments, but I have to admit: for all the bad times, the Superman movies really do manage to put me a good mood, like seeing Christopher Reeve right before he had that tragic...accident...and...died......or Margot Kidder right before she went mentally insane......or the shots of New York with the World...Trade...Center...in the...background.........I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I'm gonna go kill myself...
NC gets up with a sigh and leaves