Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments

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February 08, 2011
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(Fade in on a sign labeled “TONIGHT: Bad Movies Anonymous 1:00-2:00” posted on a wall outside)

Chester A. Bum: (voice only) And with any luck, I, too, can learn not to like every single movie I see.

Other Voices: Thank you, Chester.

(Dissolve to the Nostalgia Critic standing up to greet a small group of young adults in a room)

NC: Hello, I’m the…Nostalgia Critic. (pauses) I remember it so you don’t have to. And… (He looks up to scan the entire group before lowering his head again in a bit of shame and speak quickly) I kinda like Spider-Man 3.

(All the people in the group shout in outrage, and one male gets on a table to pound on it in rage)

NC: (shrugs his shoulders) I do! I like Spider-Man 3.

(Clips from the Spider-Man trilogy play as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): Well, okay, let me rephrase that. I like it about as much as I like the other Spider-Man movies, which—let’s be honest, people—are stupid, stupid movies! I mean, I love ‘em! I really do, in the same way that I love the first two Superman movies, even though they were goofy. But they’re just straight-up silly. Then again, what do you expect when your character looks like this? (An image of Spider-Man’s face is shown) Or even this? (An image of Emo Peter from Spider-Man 3 making a silly face is shown) I guess I didn’t understand why the last film got so ridiculed when it seemed like the other two movies had just as many weird moments. Granted, they all had some good action scenes and they did address the dilemmas of being a superhero, but are we just going to ignore the really dumb moments? All those strange scenes that had us wondering if they were supposed to be funny or dramatic? It’s hard to tell sometimes, isn’t it? We hear about the guilt the college boy feels having maybe caused the death of his uncle immediately followed by a giant octopus man putting together a death machine! [They] don’t always go hand in hand, do they? These movies may be fun, but they were pretty loopy, too.

NC: And I’m here to count down the top 11 weirdest moments in the Spider-Man movies. Why top 11? Because I like to go one step beyond. So, sit back and enjoy the Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments.

(Clips from the Spider-Man trilogy start off the introduction before we see the title for “Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments”; Interlude to the first entry on the countdown)

#11[edit | edit source]

NC (voiceover): Number 11—Those friggin’ American flags. (The accompanying text is shown on-screen)

NC (voiceover): Now, like every American, I’m proud of my country. It’s a great place to be, and I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. But after 9/11, we seem to really want to remind ourselves of that over and over. Let me explain. Before 9/11, there was an ad for Spider-Man that you actually can’t see anymore. It was a teaser trailer that showed a bunch of thieves escaping in a helicopter.

Robber #1 (in the ad): Sit back and enjoy the ride!

Robber #2 (in the ad): (laughs) Yeah!

NC (voiceover): But then they get caught in a giant spider web [that’s] between the World Trade Center [Towers]. We back out and see the image of Spider-Man’s eye, and everybody goes nuts. They love it. It was a great trailer. There was even a poster that had that same image in Spider-Man’s eyes. But after 9/11 happened, that trailer suddenly seemed inappropriate and was cut from the movie theaters. Hell, even the poster was scrapped. And not to sound like a conspiracy nut, but I think this scene was in the movie. I think this was the big reveal of Spider-Man. You ever notice in the first film he has no big reveal, he’s just sort of there? I think this is how they did it, but then cut it out at the last second. But again, I’m just speculating. So to make up for it, like every movie that came out after 9/11, they put a big American flag in there. And, of course, the post 9/11 crowd loved it. Yeah, it’s a bit hokey now, but you can excuse the first film as it was reacting to the emotions of the American people at the time. But by the time the third film did it, the gimmick wore out its welcome. It was years later, and now it seemed like it was going from kind of forceful to uncomfortably forceful. You don’t need to hammer in that Spider-Man’s American. His freakin’ colors are red, white and blue! How much more American can you get? Oh, well, maybe this one’s kinda nitpicking, but…we’re just at the bottom of the list, and there’s a lot more goofy moments to go.

(Interlude to the next entry)

#10[edit | edit source]

NC (voiceover): Number 10— All those pointless characters! (The accompanying text is shown onscreen)

NC (voiceover): Maybe in the comics, these characters played a bigger role, but in the movies, they just seemed to have no purpose but to show that these people…well, were put in the movie. The teacher who eventually becomes Lizard Man in the comics, that don’t count, because, well, he actually does help Peter out in the movies. But what about characters like Gwen Stacy? From what I understand, she had a really big role in the comics. In fact, she was supposed to be the one hanging on the bridge when the Green Goblin makes that big drop. I don’t wanna give anything away, but…she’s dead. In the movie, she’s just sort of a throwaway character. Yeah, Peter dates her for a second, but then she just vanishes. It’d be cooler if maybe she was the first girlfriend and then maybe Mary Jane comes in, but I’m probably thinking too hard about it. How about Dr. Octopus’ wife? You’d think her death would have, like, a huge impact on him, but he’s like…

Dr. Octopus: My Rosie’s dead.

NC (voiceover): “Eh, whatever. I’ll get another one. Now, how about that killer sun thing I was working on?” But the biggest one to me has to be the astronaut from Spider-Man 2. This guy is not only an astronaut, but he’s also the son of Peter’s boss Jameson, AND he’s also marrying Mary Jane! Those are some big-ass qualities about him! And what do you remember about him? Not a goddamn thing! You’d think this guy would be really interesting and probably play a big part, seeing what an impact he makes on everybody! And I guess he really does make an impact on anybody! Mary Jane and him maybe share two scenes together, him and his father don’t share any scenes together, and we never see him do anything space-related! What was the purpose of this guy? Just someone for Mary Jane to leave? That’s pretty weak. Actually, I always thought maybe he was gonna be Venom. Wouldn’t that make a lot of sense? You can have him go into space, find this thing and then have it get attached to him, and he would have reason to go after Peter. He stole his woman. It’d be a lot better than that dweeb from That ‘70s Show and hastily putting together a backstory for him! At least this guy did have a backstory going, even if it did lead to no character! Hell, Bruce Campbell was more developed than him!

NC: That is, all three of him. (Footage of all three of Bruce Campbell’s cameos in the trilogy are shown side by side)

NC (voiceover): Oh, and there’s also the landlord’s daughter, the newspaper lady, the Green Goblin’s butler, Mary Jane’s parents (An image of Archie and Edith Bunker from All in the Family is shown with a question mark placed over them), all of them had little to do with anything, and when they do, it either leads to nothing or just comes out of nowhere. I think a guy who dresses up like a voodoo pincushion is enough to hold a movie, guys. You don’t need to develop all these characters, or—if you do—


(Interlude to the next entry)

#9[edit | edit source]

NC (voiceover): Number 9—The extras in Spider-Man 2. (The accompanying text is shown on-screen)

NC (voiceover): Sort of a weird thing to comment on, but have you noticed how hokey the acting was in Spider-Man 2? Not really from the main actors, they held up OK. I’m talking about the extras, the people in the background. I dunno, they just never seem to talk right to me.

Young Black Woman: (amazed by the sight of a police squad car suspended in Spider-Man’s web) It’s a web! (Spider-Man swings across the scene) Go, Spidey, go!

NC: What is she, Spidey’s girlfriend?

NC (voiceover): And for that matter, does she look kinda creepy to you? She freakin’ looks possessed!

Young Black Woman: (footage is slowed down as she speaks) Go, Spidey, go!

NC (voiceover): How about that weird guy in the elevator?

Young Man (played by comedian Hal Sparks): Looks uncomfortable.

Spider-Man: Yeah, it gets kinda itchy. (The Young Man nods) And it rides up in the crotch a little bit, too.

(A long, awkward pause is held as the Young Man looks at Spider-Man)

NC (voiceover): How long are they gonna hold on this guy?! (Silence still passes as they both continue riding up the elevator) CUT!

(Montage of clips continue)

NC (voiceover): Remember that weird bank teller?

Bank Teller: (to Aunt May) Oh, that boy of yours is a real hero.

NC: (as the bank teller) It’s ironic, because he’s Spider-Man! (Goofy music is heard as NC shrugs to the camera)

NC (voiceover): You also got this awkward firefighter…

Firefighter #1: (to Peter after he just attempted a rescue from a fire) You got some guts, kid.

Firefighter #2: Some poor soul got trapped on the fourth floor.

NC (voiceover): What is he, a Vulcan? Show some emotion, guy! For God’s sake, they’re firefighters! Don’t they see dead people all the time?

Firefighter #2: Some poor soul got trapped on the fourth floor.

NC: (as Firefighter #1) Oh, real nice, Lou. Just say that in front of the kid I just said has guts. (beat) Maybe that will mess him up. (beat) Maybe he dresses up like a spider and saves people. You ever think of that, Lou?

NC (voiceover): How about the train scene? I think the kids are the best actors here.

Dr. Octopus: He’s mine!

Male Passenger #1: You want to get to him, you’re gonna go through me.

Male Passenger #2: And me.

Young Female Teenager Passenger: Me, too.

NC: (speaks flatly as he points to himself) And me. (speaks higher-pitch) And me.

Nick Holiday (from The Great Muppet Caper): And me.

NC (voiceover): Plus, what the hell are Big, Pussy and Dr. Katz doing there? I think my favorite, though, has gotta be that screaming woman in the building Doc Ock is climbing.

(Doctor Octopus’ metal tentacle arms jam through the building and scares a female employee, making her run toward the camera as it does a close-up on her face)

NC: (as the woman) An arm! A robotic arm! APOCALYPSE!

NC (voiceover): Speaking of which, that’s another possessed-looking face, isn’t it?

(The footage of the woman running toward the camera as it does a close-up on her face is slowed down)

NC (voiceover): I dunno. Maybe another nitpick, but the extras in this movie just never seem natural to me. But again, this is a movie with an eight-legged doctor. How natural can it get?

Aunt May: (in a hushed tone) Shame on you.

(Interlude to the next entry)

#8[edit | edit source]

NC (voiceover): Number 8—The effects in Spider-Man 1. (Accompanying text is shown on-screen)

NC (voiceover): As the films moved on, the effects got better and better. By the time 2 and 3 came around, they looked damn amazing. But in the first movie, they were pretty off. Come on, did you ever believe he (Spider-Man) was really holding that car of children? Look at the Green Goblin. Did you ever believe he was really there flying around? I think the action figure looked more realistic! How about when Spider-Man was first jumping? (The scene of Peter jumping from building to building is shown) It looks like a reject from the Toy Story movies, doesn’t it? Now, some things were cool, like the Spidey sense and even one or two moments of him swinging around, but most of the time, I just felt I was watching the video game for the movie as opposed to the actual movie itself.

(The first fight scene between Spider-Man and the Green Goblin is shown with sound effects from the NES version of Super Mario Bros. played over the part where Spider-Man jumps from one parade float to another)

NC (voiceover): There’s a scene where he jumps from a smaller building all the way to one that seems three times its size. Just how far can this guy jump, anyway? It’s funny, because the Spider-Man suit itself actually sort of looks computer-generated, so you would think it would transfer well when they actually do have to animate it. Well, in the later films, it does; in the first film, it doesn’t. But, hey, at least they did get better. I mean, it could be worse. They could go the route of the Ninja Turtle movies and constantly make the effects worse and worse to the point where Spider-Man was an animatronic puppet!

NC: But luckily, they haven’t gone that route. (pauses) Yet.

(Interlude to the next entry)

#7[edit | edit source]

NC (voiceover): Number 7—Little to no Venom in Spider-Man 3. (Accompanying text is shown on-screen)

NC (voiceover): I might have mentioned before that I didn’t read Spider-Man that much, but when I did, it always had Venom in it. He was my favorite Spider-Man villain, and everybody was hyped to see him in the third film. I’ll admit I thought Topher Grace was a weird choice, but when I saw him in this role, I don’t think he did that bad; nothing great, but nothing terrible. And, of course, when Venom finally did pop up, he looked great. The sharp teeth, the gooey black skin…eh, he was a little scrawny, but he still looked great. And it was wonderful to finally see him on the big screen. (beat) FOR A WHOLE 10 MINUTES! Like everyone else, I was pissed at how little screen-time Venom got. In the comic, the suit tortured him and tore him apart, that he was hopelessly addicted to it. That alone could fill an entire movie! But instead, he’s mixed in with a ton of other wrestling plot points that he’s only give a few minutes at the end. And even then, most of the time, his face is peeled back. (a clip of Eddie Brock talking with sharp teeth is shown) Yeah, he has sharp teeth, great; go back to the monster! I’d probably be okay with it if I knew they were gonna bring him back for a sequel, but…no. Spidey nukes the bastard, and we never see him again. The flying spider balls! They should’ve just held off putting him in this movie or…maybe end it with a transformation of him and build it up for the next one, but no. He’s there for a second, and then Venom goes…

Tweety Bird: BOOM!

NC (voiceover): What a fucking low! The one Spider-Man villain I think everybody wanted to see, and he gets nudged to the side by Emo Peter. (a clip of Emo Peter is shown briefly) Oh, yeah, we’ll get to him later. I guess it was good to see him, especially seeing how they’re not continuing this particular story chain anymore, but, man, like everyone else, I wish I could have seen a lot more of him. (A clip of Venom’s face peeled back to reveal Eddie Brock’s face is shown) Not in that way!

Eddie Brock: (to Peter, who is dressed as Spider-Man with his mask off) Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?

(Interlude to the next entry)

#6[edit | edit source]

NC (voiceover): Number 6—That cock-tease romance. (Accompanying text is shown)

NC (voiceover): Okay, so Peter has the hots for Mary Jane. Whoop-dee-doo. What does he do? Act like a pussy and never talks to her despite the fact that he lives right next door to her. How is that possible? She’s got a boyfriend, but he breaks it up, because…I don’t know, he’s a fucking idiot. Does Peter move in? No. His best friend (Harry) does! He continues to make googley eyes at each other, until finally, Mary Jane breaks up with the best friend just as his father fucking dies. Ouch. So NOW Peter moves in, right? No! He’s afraid that if his enemies find out who he is, they’ll try to kidnap her to get to him. Well, that’s okay; your stupid old aunt is for that! She’s been held hostage more times than a video game princess! So she (Mary Jane) hooks up with that astronaut guy who’s so charming with his one fucking line, and then, Peter acts like he’s interested again. She gets proposed to and even says yes, but still wants to be with Peter, which is great, because he wants to be with her. Oh, wait! Now he doesn’t! Business first, bitch! So she finds out who he really is and they agree they should stay separate because of the danger involved, but then she says, “Fuck Neil Armstrong! I’m gonna go with the pussy in the red pajamas!” When he warns her about all the dangers she can be in, she points out that even before she knew he was Spider-Man, she was getting fucking kidnapped all the time! So might as well have the sex. They FINALLY get together, only to have Harry blackmail her into breaking up with him. Why? Because he’ll kill Peter if she doesn’t. Did she just forget that Peter and Spider-Man are the same person?! Just tell the friggin’ idiot! Go up to him and say, “Hey! Harry’s got his memory back! He’s right over there! Beat the shit out of him!” (A clip of Harry thrown to a window is shown, followed by a brief shot of the “The End” title card) The end! But no! She breaks up with him and never explains why. What a shame! He was gonna marry her, and they were gonna live in…I don’t know, an even bigger closet. But that’s okay! Another random kidnapping will solve that! He saves her life, of course, and they end up dancing. Did any of this bring them any closer together?

NC: I don’t know, but seriously, YOU TWO NEED COUNSELING!

(Interlude to the next entry)

#5[edit | edit source]

NC (voiceover): Number 5—Doctor Octopus’ Robotic Arms. (Accompanying Text is shown on-screen)

NC (voiceover): Okay, why do these things have artificial intelligence? I mean, what’s the point? It’s like giving A.I. to one of those robotic arms you get at the toy store. There’s no need for it! Just push a button, it grabs stuff! Easy!

Female News Reporter: Couldn’t that make you vulnerable to them?

Dr. Otto Octavius: How right you are, which is why I developed this inhibitor chip to protect my higher brain function. It means I maintain control of these arms instead of them controlling me.

NC (voiceover): And even then, how far does the A.I. go? In the movie, the A.I. convinces him to finish the experiment by robbing banks, killing doctors, and hanging old ladies out of tall buildings!

Doc Ock: (after dropping Aunt May high above a tall building) Butterfingers!

NC (voiceover): What crazy fucked-up idiot invented these things? Oh, yeah, the crazy fucked-up idiot who stole the idol from Raiders of the Lost Ark. (A couple images of Satipo from Raiders of the Lost Ark are shown briefly) I guess he sort of had it coming. But, yeah, just to make it even goofier, the arms actually talk to him! Yeah, they don’t say words, but they actually do talk to him. It’s like a mechanical version of “Lamb Chop’s Sing-Along”!

Singers (from “Lamb Chop’s Play Along”): (dub over a mechanical arm) Some people started singing it not knowing what it was.

NC (voiceover): What the hell do you think those things were even saying to him?

(NC pretends to speak to his hands as though they are mechanical arms)

NC: Hello, Octy. What do you think we should do today?

Right Hand: Rob a bank.

NC: (pauses) That’s a little dark for you—

Right Hand: ROB A BANK!!

NC: Okay, okay! (he starts to get up and leave)

NC (voiceover): Hell, the arms even scream with him when he finds out everything’s gone wrong.

Dr. Otto Octavius: NOOOOO! (His arms rise up and spread apart their grappling hands)

Darth Vader (from Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith): NOOOOOO!

NC (voiceover): Yeah, there’s pseudoscience, and then there’s so-so science. And this is…just silly.

(NC still pretends to talk to his hands)

NC: You know, I sort of miss my wife—

Right Hand: FUCK HER!!!

NC: Okay, okay!

Right Hand: FFFFUCK HER!

(Interlude to the next entry)

#4[edit | edit source]

NC (voiceover): Number 4—The Dialogue from Spider-Man 1. (Accompanying Text is shown onscreen)

NC (voiceover): David Koepp is one of Hollywood’s most famous writers. He’s written big hits like Jurassic Park, Death Becomes Her, and Panic Room. But he’s also written some major stinkers like War of the Worlds (2005 version), [Indiana Jones and the] Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and The Lost World [Jurassic Park]. To me, he seems like a better story-man than he does a dialogue writer. And this really shows in Spider-Man. The story is actually pretty well-paced and put together. Dialogue, on the other hand…

Aunt May: (to Peter) When she got out of the car and you saw her for the first time, you grabbed me and said, “Aunt May! Aunt May! Is that an angel?”

Young Anakin Skywalker (from Star Wars: The Phantom Menace): (to Padme) Are you an angel?

NC (voiceover): (reacts in disgust) Euuch!!

Mary Jane: (to Spider-Man, laughing) You have a knack for saving my life. I think I have a superhero stalker.

NC (voiceover): Did I just really hear that?

Green Goblin: (to Spider-Man) What about my generous proposal? Are you in, or are you out?

Spider-Man: It’s you who’s out, Gobby! Out of your mind!

NC (voiceover): Okay, that’s just straight-up Adam West territory! Even in the commentary, you can hear Kirsten Dunst make fun of it.

Kirsten Dunst: (voice in the commentary, laughs) So…that’s such a cheese line. “You who’s out, Gobby! Out of your mind!”

(Cut to the Green Goblin bursting into J. Jonah Jameson’s office and grabbing his throat)

Green Goblin: Jameson, you slime!

NC (voiceover): Slime? Really? He just called him “Slime”? That’s an insult that’s still being used? In fact, was it ever being used?

Green Goblin: (after being defeated and leaves from the first fight scene with Spider-Man) We’ll meet again, Spider-Man!

NC (voiceover): Jesus, this is sounding like…well, a comic book! Which, yeah, obviously, it’s based on a comic book, maybe that was the idea, but it’s supposed to be a movie first, and a movie for adults, for that matter. This is sounding like lines you hear from a Ninja Turtles cartoon.

(Cut to a clip from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1987 TV series)

NC (voiceover): (dubs over Shredder) Join me, Turtles. Are you in, or are you out?

NC (voiceover): (dubs over Raphael) Hey, you’re the one who’s out, Chrome Dome. Out of your mind! Ha, ha, yeah, “Cowabunga.” Heh-heh. I’m funny.

(Back to the review)

NC (voiceover): How about that painfully forced scene with the New Yorkers standing triumphant against…well, the flying Green Goblin?

New Yorker #1: You mess with Spidey, you mess with New York!

New Yorker #2: You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us!

NC: …It was after 9/11, folks. We, uh… (chuckles) we really felt that spirit, even though it was a little corny. (chuckles again a bit before pausing) Sorry.

NC (voiceover): Well, there’s no denying that the lines in this movie certainly sound like a comic book. I just wish it didn’t sound like a 1960’s comic book!

Spider-Man: It’s you who’s out, Gobby! Out of your mind!

Wrestling Ring Announcer (from Spider-Man): Oh, that sucks.

(Interlude to the next entry)

#3[edit | edit source]

NC (voiceover): Number 3— Emo Peter. (Accompanying text is shown on-screen)

NC (voiceover): Yeah, you all knew this was coming. Emo Peter has gotta be one of the most hated aspects of Spider-Man 3, if not all the Spider-Man movies. And, (sighs) I’d be lying if I said I didn’t understand why. Again, when I did read Spider-Man, I dug the stuff with the alien suit. In fact, that’s one of the only Spider-Man collections I have. I knew the story. Peter is supposed to be tortured by the suit, the same way a crack addict is or Gollum was from Lord of the Rings. It’s one of those tragic attractions that just kept killing him, and it was good! It was a good, good story! While that was tragic, though, Peter goes more for comedy, and…it’s just…geeky!

NC: I know that’s weird me saying that, but…it’s just geeky!

NC (voiceover): I mean…yeah, he’s a geek. I got that. But…this is pushing it! If they went for a more serious route, this movie could have actually been more effective, but when you see him dancing like that and acting so goofy, it’s hard to get sucked into the “torment” he’s supposed to be feeling. He doesn’t have to dress different or comb his hair down. Frodo didn’t need to do that. The people in Requiem for a Dream didn’t need to do that. They don’t need to look that way. They just need to act that way. Just show the serious side of the addiction. A little comedy’s okay, but this is borderline Edward territory. (An image of Edward Cullen is shown briefly) When he does finally act mean and crazy, it’s not really believable. Except maybe the stuff with the Sandman, but that’s identifiable; he (the Sandman) killed his uncle. That and you can’t see the hair combed in front of his mask!

NC: But trust me, if he could, he would. (a Photoshopped image of Spider-Man in black with hair combed over the mask is shown briefly)

NC (voiceover): And on a side note, I was really looking forward to that dream sequence done in the comic, especially if Sam Raimi was doing it. It was in the comic, it was even in the cartoon, it’d be a fitting way to show the struggle that was going on in Pete’s head. But nope! We got chocolate chip cookies and milk! (pauses) Badass!

(Interlude to the next entry)

#2[edit | edit source]

NC (voiceover): Number 2—Willem Dafoe as the Green Goblin. (The text “Willem Dafoe” is shown onscreen)

NC (voiceover): When I heard Willem Dafoe was gonna be the Green Goblin, I was hyped. I was like, “Oh, yeah! That’s the perfect choice. No question about it.” But when he goes over-the-top, he really goes over-the-top.

Norman Osborn: (speaking to a mirror and talking in Green Goblin’s voice) So many good things all happening for you, all for you.

NC (voiceover): I guess that fucking costume didn’t help much, either. Did you ever see the original designs? (The original designs for the Green Goblin are shown) They were actually pretty creative and awesome! And this is what they went with? (A clip showing the final design for the costume is shown) No wonder he turned in the performance he did!

Green Goblin: (to Spider-Man) Think about it, hero!

NC (voiceover): The acting is traditional over-the-top Jekyll and Hyde. He changes his voice, makes big creepy faces, and plays innocent and meek when he has to confront his other self. Of course, every time you saw him onscreen before the transformation, he was a threatening and demanding person. But as soon as he has to act against himself, he’s a (speaks in a wussy frightened voice) frightened, scared little bird.

Norman Osborn (Normal self): You killed them.

Norman Osborn (Green Goblin): WE killed them.

Norman (Normal Self): We?

Norman (Green Goblin): Remember?

NC (voiceover): It’s a trick actors love to use, overcompensating one side to make the other side look more threatening. It looks silly, but…it looks silly.

Norman (Green Goblin): Imagine if he joined us. (cackles)

NC (voiceover): I’m also shocked that this guy uses gas in a building miles high where the wind can blow it away. And on top of that, he actually says “sleep”!

Green Goblin: (while using gas from his wrists on Spider-Man) Sleeeeeeeep!

NC (voiceover): Don’t you love it when you attack somebody how you…tell them to be attacked?

Stagehand (from The Producers (1968)): Hey! What can I do for you?

Franz Liebkind (from The Producers (1968)): You will please be unconscious! (He knocks the stagehand out with a blunt object)

(As the Green Goblin continues to give Spider-Man gas, he makes a long and low “Ahhhhhhh” noise)

NC (voiceover): And what the hell was that sound? What, was he passing gas while…passing gas?

Green Goblin: (while using gas from his wrists on Spider-Man) Sleeeeeeeep!

(A fart sound is heard before the Green Goblin makes his long and low “Ahhhhhhh” noise)

NC (voiceover): Every time he was onscreen, I didn’t know how people didn’t just burst out into laughing. I mean, look at this moment.

Green Goblin: (voice coming from the mask) We can destroy him.

Norman: I can’t.

Green Goblin: (voice from the mask) The trail must not be countenanced!

NC (voiceover): It’s a fucking Walmart mask on a chair! Was this supposed to be threatening?

Green Goblin: (voice from the mask) Make him wish he were dead.

Norman: Yes.

Green Goblin: (voice from the mask) And then grant his wish.

Norman: (approaches the mask by crawling up to it) But how?

NC: (speaks like the Green Goblin and mimics Norman’s crawling in a sexy way) You’re a dirty little kitty, aren’t you?

NC (voiceover): He does everything over-the-top villains do. He laughs, he says cliché lines, he even sings!

Green Goblin: (sings) The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.

NC: (as the Green Goblin, clutching his head in annoyance and continuing the song to the tune of “Itsy Bitsy Spider”) When will the overacting ever stop?

NC (voiceover): How about that scene where he makes Peter’s aunt finish the prayer? That’s…I don’t know what that is!

Green Goblin: Finish it! FINISH IT!

Aunt May: “From evil”! (sobs in fright)

(Green Goblin cackles; The title “America’s Funniest Prayer Recitals” is displayed over the footage))

NC (voiceover; as an announcer): Tonight, on “America’s Funniest Prayer Recitals!”

NC (voiceover; normal): But the weirdest moment—and isn’t that saying a great deal—is when they’re on the rooftop and they’re just…talking.

Green Goblin: (to Spider-Man) Well…to each his own. I chose my path, you chose the way of the hero. And they found you amusing for a while.

NC (voiceover): No. Nobody can have a conversation wearing these costumes! It’s just impossible. One of you has to laugh!

Green Goblin: I could squash you like a bug right now.

NC (voiceover): I know I lost it when I saw the Green Goblin do this.

Green Goblin: (approaches Spider-Man to lightly smack him on the back of the head before leaning on a skylight) Here’s the real truth.

NC (voiceover): That has got to be the silliest image ever! Is he trying to act like he’s just at the water cooler?

NC: (as the Green Goblin, talking and moving jive) Hey, Spider-Man, yo! Rap with me, brother!

NC (voiceover): Not to say I don’t have fun watching him—‘cause I do—but…if it’s supposed to be taken seriously, well, I think the Green Goblin put it best.

Green Goblin: Misery, misery, misery. That’s what you’ve chosen.

(Interlude to the next and final entry)

#1[edit | edit source]

NC (voiceover): And the #1 Dumbest Spider-Man Moment is…the dance scene. (Accompanying text is shown on-screen)

NC (voiceover): Yeah, I may like Spider-Man 3, but anyone can tell you that this is the dumbest…thing…ever. It breaks the movie, it changes everything, it sucks out any amount of seriousness you were going for. Let me tell ya, when people saw this poster and they saw this trailer, this is not what they were expecting to see. This is straight-up Jerry Lewis, right out of The Nutty Professor. Even by Spider-Man movie standards, this is too silly. It’s like if Superman got on stage and tap-danced, (A Photoshopped picture of just that is shown) or if Wolverine went to a burlesque and did the can-can, (Cut to another Photoshopped image of that) or if… (An image of the infamous Bat Credit Card is shown) NOPE! THAT DID NOT HAPPEN! But what bothered me personally about this scene is the scene that follows. We go from something so silly and so over-the-top to Peter hitting his girlfriend and then crouched over a church. Now, obviously, this is your big emotional moment of the movie, but a few seconds ago, it was followed by this. (Emo Peter lends a hand out to Gwen Stacy to offer a dance with her) That doesn’t work! You can’t throw all those things together one after another.

NC: (dances in his chair, then punches something off-screen) I’m a monster! (He looks away to look emotionally tortured by covering his face with a hand as lightning strikes)

NC (voiceover): I mean, look at this! If I just showed you this without any context, would you ever guess that this was from a Spider-Man movie? No, you’d say it was an outtake from the movie Chicago…except even Chicago wouldn’t be this silly! For many people, this is what killed Spider-Man 3 for them. This was the step that went too far. They could survive some of the plot holes, they could even survive Emo Peter, but they couldn’t survive this. It was too cartoony, too out-of-nowhere, and too far removed from anything that people would consider Spider-Man.

NC: So, yeah, Spider-Man 3 has the absolute worst moment of all the movies, but…does that mean it deserves to be shunned away from the others?

(Clips from the Spider-Man trilogy play again as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): Why was this one deemed so terrible when the other two had silly moments as well? My thought is it’s one of two reasons. Either audiences were finally sick of the silliness and wanted a more grown-up comic book movie—(the movie poster for The Dark Knight is shown) thank you!—or maybe Sam Raimi pushed the boundaries of what he could get away with and simply went too far. I personally would like to see a more serious Spider-Man movie made. I know Sam Raimi can direct serious films; I mean, really good ones! (The poster for A Simple Plan is shown) So I guess I was a little disappointed when I saw the tone these movies were going for, but when I calmed down, I did see the hard work that was put into them and how a lot of the issues they discussed do still hold up. Like I said, though, I just wouldn’t take it too seriously. It’s goofy fun action that actually does have some dramatic moments every once in a while. They’re not masterpieces, but I don’t think they’re supposed to be. They’re just silly comic book movies, nothing more. I keep hearing they’re gonna do a reboot of these movies, and I have to be honest, I’m pretty curious to see them. Maybe the new films will find that serious road, which I’ll admit is a challenge. Costumed heroes are hard to take seriously, but movies have shown that it not only can be done, but it can be done very well, and until that reboot comes out, I’m gonna enjoy all the silliness and over-the-top scenes that these movies have to offer, every web-slinging minute of it.

NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave)


Channel Awesome Tagline—Green Goblin: Finish it! FINISH IT!

Aunt May: “From evil!”

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