Editing Top 11 Cereal Mascots

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'''NC:''' Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so ''you'' don't have to! I can't help it; I'm a product of advertising. I see something advertised, I have to go buy it.

''Ghostbusters picture''

'''Advertising Spokesman:''' (speaks the accompanying text) BUY THIS!

''And NC does''

'''NC:''' But that doesn't mean there aren't some advertising gimmicks or characters that work better than others.

''Ghostbusters II picture''

'''Advertising Spokesman:''' (speaks the accompanying text) BUY THIS ONE TOO!

''And NC does, again''

'''NC:''' Take, for example, cereal labels.

''Various cereal pictures''

'''NC (voiceover):''' There are dozens of cereals out there, but only a distinct few seem to survive over the years. Is it really the taste of the cereal that keeps kids coming back? Or is the mascots, the timeless characters that go through many changes, but still keep the same likeability over the decades?

'''NC:''' No, it's obviously the taste, but the mascots played a big role, and that's why I'm counting down the Top 11 Best Sugar-Coated Marketing Icons of all time. Why Top 11? Because I like to go one step beyond. So sit back and enjoy the Top 11 Greatest Cereal Mascots.

''Milk and Cereal song and various cereal mascots (footage from one of Kellogg's It's Gonna Be a Great Day ads) is the intro, title screen and interlude between entries''

==#11==
NC (voiceover): Number 11--Toucan Sam from ''Froot Loops''.

''Footage from commercials''

NC (voiceover): Released in around 1945*, Toucan Sam started off with a relativity boring scenario, just talking in Pig Latin.

*NOTE: ''Froot Loops'' (along with its mascot Toucan Sam) actually did not come out until 1963.

Toucan Sam (singing): Crispy and Elicious-day for Breakfast or for Acking-snay.

NC: Riveting.

''Commercials footage''

Toucan Sam: Smart kid!

NC (voiceover): By the way, that voice sounds different to you? That's because it wasn't always done by the same person. In fact, that's actually...

''Mel Blanc picture''

NC (voiceover): ...Mel Blanc, the voice of most of the ''Looney Tunes'' characters...

''Commercials footage''

NC (voiceover): ...but they didn't feel like the character was strong enough, so they switched out the voices with Paul Frees, another actor who might sound familiar...

Toucan Sam: So look for Kellogg's ''Froot Loops'', follow your nose.

''Ludwig von Drake footage''

Ludwig von Drake: Ha ha ha! Did ya hear that note?

NC (voiceover): Yes, it's the same guy who did Ludwig von Drake. That's kinda cool.

''Commercials footage''

NC (voiceover): They also changed the scenario around, too. It usually starts off with somebody having a problem or searching for something. No matter what the dilemma, ''Froot Loops'' always seems to have the answer.

Cowboy: They left without breakfast again!

Penguin: I've been adrift for days and I'm tired of frozen breakfasts.

Lion: I need a really rad breakfast to help get me back home.

Toucan Sam: Follow my nose. Just follow my nose. Follow my nose. A Kellogg's ''Froot Loops'' cereal.

NC (voiceover): Just how many problems ''can Froot Loops'' change, anyway?

NC (mimicking kid): Ah, jeesh, Toucan Sam! My father has AIDS!

''Commercials footage''

Toucan Sam: Then follow your nose.

NC (mimicking kid): Well, okay!

''Commercials footage''

Toucan Sam: It always knows.

NC (mimicking kid): Oh ho ho! I wonder what it could be!

''Commercials footage''

Toucan Sam: A Kellogg's ''Froot Loops'' cereal.

''NC gasps''

NC (mimicking kid): (gasps excitedly) My father still has AIDS. (His face becomes sad)

''Commercials footage''

NC (voiceover): Well, whatever the issue, there was always a big bowl of ''Froot Loops'' cereal there to make you forget about all your problems, or at least...try to make you forget.

Rapping Rhino: What a colorful breakfast!

Toucan Sam (rapping): ...another ''Froot Loops'' fan...

Rapping Rhino: ...and I got great taste...

Toucan Sam (rapping): Like me, Toucan Sam...

Rapping Rhino: Yo Sam....

NC (mimicking kid): My father still has AIDS...

==#10==
NC (voiceover): Number 10--Cookie Crook & Officer Crumb

''Footage from Cookie Crisp commercials''

NC (voiceover): Now, technically, these characters aren't around anymore, but I wanted to list them just to show the evolution of the character. Originally released in 1977, the mascot for ''Cookie Crisp'' was originally a wizard named Jarvis. Isn't that a weird name? His gimmick was to turn cereal bowls into big pots of cookies. You know, because our...

''Various cereal pictures''

NC (voiceover): ...cereals were already so boring.

''Commercials footage''

NC (voiceover): It didn't catch on very well, so they changed it in 1985 to a disruptive pair called Cookie Crook and Officer Crumb. This caught on much better, but it still wasn't gimmicky enough.

NC: If only there was an annoying catchphrase that every kid could be shouting obnoxiously.

''Commercials footage''

Chip: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIE CRISP!!!

NC (voiceover): So they gave the Cookie Crook a dog named Chip, who would ruin everything by always shouting...

Chip: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIE CRISP!!! Uh oh...

NC (voiceover): That did even better, so after a while they just said, "Fuck the cops & robbers. Let's just make it about the dog." So the ''dog'' was a mascot for a while.

Chip: Now with a mouthful of chips in every bite.

NC: But they didn't think the design was "hip enough" for the young kids, so they decided to...

''Commercials footage''

NC (voiceover): ...re-design it and make it into a wolf or a husky, I'm not sure what it is, and made the change complete by giving him a sports jacket,

NC: What?! You can't see the natural evolution of going from a Merlin-Styled-Wizard into a sport-centered husky? Well, someone needs to take some logic classes!

''Commercials footage''

NC (voiceover): For all the changes it went through, the Cookie Crook and cop were the best editions, because hey, who doesn't love a good game of ''Cops & Robbers''? Well...

''Cops & Robbers picture''

NC (voiceover): Okay, cops and robbers...

''Commercials footage''

NC (voiceover): ...but still, it was a good idea, lasting almost 8 years in commercials. That's one tough cookie that's hard to beat.

Kids (singing): COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIE CRISP!!! COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIE CRISP!!!

Chip: A h-ooooooooooooo-wling good part of a this complete breakfast.

==#9==
NC (voiceover): Number 9--The ''Honey Nut Cheerios'' Bee.

''Footage from commercials''

NC (voiceover): Though not having much of a character, this bee was certainly enjoyable to watch, making any...

''Bee picture''

NC (voiceover) ...real life bees look like fucking monsters.

''Commercials footage''

NC (voiceover): His gimmick was to try and get people to try his cereal, but they never seem interested, until he says the magic words...

Buzz Bee: It's t-t-t-time you were tempted with that taste of nuts and honey.

Lawyer: Nuts...& honey...

Hulk Hogan: Nuts & honey?!

Scrooge: Did you say honey & nuts?

NC (mimicking Scrooge): Did you say hookers and blow? Oh no, you said honey & nuts. That...T-T-That's not nearly as good.

''Christmas commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): Actually, I always liked watching this commercial in particular around Christmas time...

''Fruity Pebbles Christmas commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): ...that and the ''Fruity Pebbles'' commercial with Santa; and no, they're not gonna make it on the countdown because they were already on a show. It's like putting...

''Pirates of the Caribbean cereal picture''

NC (voiceover): ...Jack Sparrow on the list because of the ''Pirates of the Caribbean'' cereal. It just doesn't seem right. That and they promote...

''Flintstones Winston cigarettes commercial footage...never saw that coming''

NC (voiceover): ...smoking. Dude, that's just wrong...

Fred Flintstone (singing): Winston tastes good like a...cigarette should.

''Commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): It's funny that we all just called him "Bee" because he actually was given a name. In 2000, they held a contest for who would name the ''Honey Nut Cheerios'' bee, and a 5th-grader won the prize by naming him--are you ready for this--"Buzz Bee!"

NC: Really? That the most...imaginative name you could pick from the list? Well, while you're at it, why don't you just call these characters...

''Mickey Mouse picture''

NC (voiceover): ...''Squeak Mouse''...

''Woody Woodpecker picture''

NC (voiceover): ...''Fly Bird''...

''Steven Seagal picture''

NC (voiceover): ...or ''Shit Spewer''?

NC: The possibilities are just endless!

''Commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): Well, to me, he's the ''Honey Nut Cheerios'' Bee. Sure, it's a long name, but a mascot by any other name would still be as marketable.

NC: Or should I say, "'Bee' marketable." Ha ha ha ha. No, that'd be silly. I'd be stretching out the middle of the word for no reason.

==#8==
NC (voiceover): Number 8--Wendell from ''Cinnamon Toast Crunch''.

''Footage from commercials''

NC (voiceover): Getting his start in 1987, ''Cinnamon Toast Crunch'' didn't just have Wendell, but actually 2 other chefs. What were their names?

NC (low voice): Nobody knows!

''Commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): In fact, Wendell is the only one who ever had a name and identity out of these 3. Isn't that a little strange? ''(NOTE: The other chefs are actually named "Bob and Quello".'')

NC (Voiceover): They were a trio for a while, until this one commercial had Wendell suck himself into a television because he was distracted by the ''Cinnamon Toast Crunch'' that was on the TV.

Kid: Wendell's gone cinna-munchy crunchy crazy!

NC: Which is odd because he makes the stuff and he's surrounded by it. Isn't that kinda like watching porn when you own a bordello?

''Commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): The other chefs got him back, but the gimmick was now changed. Now the scenario was: Wendell would go crazy every time he saw ''Cinnamon Toast Crunch'' and would immediately go after it, and where did the other 2 chefs go?

NC (low voice): NOBODY KNOWS!!

''Commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): My guess is Wendell had them assassinated. Somewhere at the the bottom of the ocean, you'll find...

''Cut to NC's drawing of the possible fate of the other 2 chefs''

NC (voiceover): ...2 chefs with cement shoes and a Cookie Crook next to a cookie cop.

NC: They had to go somewhere!

''Commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): Since then, the focus seemed to fear away from Wendell and instead showed off other people who could see everything except why kids love ''Cimmamon Toast Crunch''.

Wendell: But does he know why kids love ''Cinnamon Toast Crunch''?

Teacher #1: There's animals, vegetable, or mineral?

Teacher #2: I just don't know.

NC: Well, isn't it obvious? It's covered in crack.

''Comercial footage''

NC (voiceover): The sugar is just a cover. That's pure 100% blow.

NC: Haven't you ever wondered why your kids get so active after they eat it?

''Commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): Whatever does go into those crystals, you could always be sure that there's a creepy old man who's there to make it.

Wendell: A toasty part of a complete breakfast.

==#7==
NC (voiceover): Number 7--Lucky from ''Lucky Charms''.

''Footage from commercials''

NC (voiceover): Not too much has changed with him over the years. Literally from Day 1, the gimmick has always been the same: Catch Lucky and you get his ''Lucky Charms''.

''Lucky sees a bush labeled "Free Shamrocks"''

Lucky: Glory me! Free Shamrocks!

''Kids pop out of the bush to--cuff him?''

Kid #1: Catch a pack of ''Lucky Charms''.

NC: Okay, what the hell's a kid doing with handcuffs?

''Commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): Getting his start in 1962, Lucky was originally known as L. C. Leprechaun. Well what did the ''L. C.'' stand for? Oh: '''L'''ucky '''C'''harms. Yeah, I'm a--I'm a fucking idiot.

Lucky: Orange, green, and blue marshmallows in every spoonful. A magical taste for you!

NC (voiceover): Nothing too much to say about him; just that kids love chasing after things, so the idea of trying to catch something to get a reward is always fool-proof.

Lucky: The chase never stops!

NC (voiceover): But wouldn't you be pissed off if you caught a leprechaun and instead of gold, you got a friggin' bowl of cereal?

NC Leprechaun: (appears from camera right) Ho hoo! And, now that you caught me, you get me ''Lucky Charms''.

NC: ...Uh, no, I want the gold.

NC Leprechaun: Ah, no, you want-a ''Lucky Charms''.

NC: No, I want the gold.

NC Leprechaun: Ah, no, you want-a ''Lucky Charms''.

NC: I'm quite positive I want the gold.

Leprechaun: Well, you wouldn't deny the sweet taste of--

''NC squashes the greedy Leprechaun''

NC: There! Now you're dead! How do you like that?

''NC even spits on the Leprechaun''

''Commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): An idea so basic it has to be admired, Lucky is the perfect prize to catch--or smash--at the end of any rainbow.

Lucky (singing): They're magically delicious!

==#6==
NC (voiceover): Number 6--Cap'n Crunch from, well ''Cap'n Crunch''.

''Footage from commercials''

NC (voiceover): Is it me, or is this guy the Snaggle-Puss of cereal mascots?

Cap'n Crunch: ''Cap'n Crunch'' with ''Crunch Berries''. Uh, next time, let's not waste quite so hard.

NC: (with Cap'n Crunch's weird accent) And remember to exit stage riiight.

''Commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): Actually, Cap'n Crunch was another character that started out with an entire cast. There was a dog, 4 annoying kids, and an evil pirate named La Foot, but that alone was replaced by the Soggies, these big puddles of splooge with eyes that like to make everything--you guessed it--soggy.

Soggy 1: ''Cap'n Crunch'' cereal!

NC (voiceover): They also had some sort of evil machine that led the Soggies, but I can't really remember his name.

NC: This scenario would've been fine and good, except that they actually turned it into a STRAIGHT-UP...

''Commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): ...WAR! I mean, it was like a soap opera with guns, spaceships, giant robots, kinda got out of control.

Space Boy: Bomb alert!

Cap'n Crunch: This is a job for crunch power! Launch away!

Soggy 2: Oh my gosh!

''CRUNCH! The Soggies are turned into a set of 10 bowling pins''

Cap'n Crunch: We ain't afraid of those Soggies.

NC (mimicking Cap'n Crunch): Now, let's move on to waterboarding them!

''Commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): I'm not sure if the soggies are still around, but the Cap'n sure is. In fact, they even revealed his entire name at one point, calling him: "Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch."

NC: Because every kid would remember ''that'' name. (Beat) Couldn't you call him "Joe"?

''Commercial footage''

NC (voiceover): Always crunchy, never soggy, Cap'n Crunch still remains the Captain that can make it happen.

Cap'n Crunch: Let's go, Sea Dog. I hate to see a grown pirate cry.

==#5==
NC (voiceover): Number 5—Count Chocula from “Count Chocula.”

NC (voiceover): Speaking from a health point of view, what’s worse than marshmallows in your cereal? How about chocolate marshmallows in chocolate cereal?

NC: Why don’t you just throw in miniature cheeseburgers while you’re at it? (A Photoshopped image of miniature cheeseburgers in a bowl of cereal is shown)

NC (voiceover): Well, as horrible as it is for you, it tasted great, and it had a great mascot. In fact, it was so good, that there are actually cereal spinoffs. That’s ironic, because the more healthy they got, the less successful they did. Like Frankenberry’s still sort of around, Boo Berry you barely see, and who the hell even remembers Fruity Yummy Mummy?

NC: What, was Vegetable Lecter too good a name to take?

NC (Voiceover): Well, we still loved the characters. And it was kind of clever that they always took the voice of the movie monster they were spoofing, like Count Chocula is Bela Lugosi…

Count Chocula: Then you’ll enjoy my Count Chocula cereal!

NC (voiceover): …Frankenberry is Boris Karloff…

Frankenberry: Frankenberry has strawberry-flavored sweeties!

NC (voiceover): …and, for some reason, Boo Berry was Peter Lorre.

Boo Berry: …with my hauntingly delicious cereal!

NC (voiceover): Did he ever played a ghost? (Beat) Ah, well, he’s dead now, so maybe that counts. But either way, it was Count Chocula that brought in the big bucks. Not the healthiest cereal, but hey, that’s why we loved it so much.

Count Chocula: (sings) How about a monster for breakfast today?

==#4==
NC (voiceover): Number 4—Sonny, from Cocoa Puffs.

NC (voiceover): Sonny is just an addict, okay? He needs help! He needs to go into rehab and have his illness treated.

Sonny: Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

NC (voiceover): Look at him, he’s just trying to do his everyday work, when suddenly these little bungholes come up and tempt him by feeding his habit! What’s up with those kids? They’re fucking enablers!

Kid #1: Want some hot puff Cocoa Puffs?

Kid #2: Munchy crunchy Cocoa Puffs?

Kid #3: (feeds Sonny a spoon full of cereal) Here’s some yummy, chocolatey Cocoa Puffs.

NC: (as a mobster, pretending to hand out something secret from his jacket) Hey, you want some stuff? You want some stuff? I got some good stuff right here. Yeah, yeah, that’s Cocoa Meth right there, man. Yeah, Crystal Puffs. Get your nonsense saucy fucked up.

NC (voiceover): But don’t blame the kids. Blame his grandpa, who started out pushing that stuff back in the ‘60s.

Gramps: I’ll speed things up, ‘cause Sonny can’t resist Cocoa Puffs.

Sonny: (goes crazy before yelling) Yahoo! I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

NC (voiceover): He would do this in every commercial. What a dick!

Sonny: I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

NC (voiceover): After Gramps disappeared—I’m assuming died from some sort of overdose—Sonny was left on his own to hide his inner demons every day for the rest of his life.

Sonny: Cocoa Puffs! Yahoo! I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

NC: Poor soul. We may never know what he’s like as a sober bird.

Sonny: I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

NC (voiceover): By the way, do you know who originally did the voice for Sonny? You would never guess in a million years.

Sonny: Get Gramps or me, free in Cocoa Puffs.*

Lion-O (from the “Thundercats” cartoon): Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats! HO!

NC (voiceover): That’s right! It’s the guy who did Lion-O from “Thundercats”!

*(NOTE: NC makes a mistake here that the voice actor for Lion-O (Larry Kenney) was the original voice for Sonny when in fact, that was Chuck McCann who also played Gramps in the commercials.)

NC: What the hell happens to a guy who goes from a butch manly superhero to a crazy addicted bird? (Beat) I’ll tell you what happens. PUFFS HAPPENS!

(The word “Puffs” is stamped on a black background ,as the Terminator 2 theme plays, before we get an image of Lindsay Lohan)

NC (voiceover): Everyone thinks Lindsay Lohan got addicted to drugs.

NC: Not a chance. It was Puffs!

(The word “Puffs” is stamped over the image of Lindsay Lohan before we get an image of Tennessee Williams)

NC (Voiceover): Tennessee Williams addicted to alcohol?

NC: Not even close. It was Puffs!

(The word “Puffs” is stamped over the image of Tennessee Williams)

NC: Puffs!

(The word “Puffs is stamped over an image of Kurt Cobain)

NC: Puffs!

(The word “Puffs” is stamped over an image of Marilyn Monroe)

NC: Puffs!

(The word “Puffs” is stamped over a painting of Vincent Van Gogh)

NC: Remember, kids: life may be rough, but don’t do the Puffs.

Pee-wee Herman (from [[The Top 11 Drug PSAs|his infamous crack PSA]]): It isn’t glamorous or cool or kid stuff.

(Dissolve to footage of Sonny looking innocent with the caption “Dedicated to the memory of Sonny” appearing below him)

==#3==
NC (voiceover): Number 3—Sugar Bear from “Golden Crisp.”

NC (voiceover): I love this guy. This is the most laid-back character who always somehow always manages to kick ass.

Crocodile: Put the pole in the bowl.

(Sugar Bear defeats crocodile in a casual manner)

NC (voiceover): He’s like if The Dude (from “The Big Lebowski”) was on steroids. (a Photoshopped image of The Dude’s head superimposed with a very strong body is shown) He’s friggin’ awesome.

Sugar Bear: (sings while defeating a snake) I ain’t gettin’ enough Super Golden Crisp / It’s got the crunch with touch.

NC (Voiceover): He surprisingly started out on a show called “Linus the Lion-Hearted.” It actually hosted a slew of characters that had their own cereals.
Lovable Trudy: Alpha-Bits!

So Hi: Rice Krinkles!

Rory Raccoon: Post Toasties.

Sugar Bear: Post Sugar Crisp.

NC (voiceover): Did you see him?

NC: Did you see him? Watch it again.

Sugar Bear: Sugar Crisp.

NC (voiceover): How funny is that? All these overblown characters and the one that makes it big is the very last one. I don’t know if he did well because of the cereal or if the cereal did well because of him. But he stuck around, and like most cereals, Golden Crisp—then called Sugar Crisp—seemed to be the one entity that could solve all the world’s problems.

Sugar Bear: (to a man burning his trash in a garbage can) Hey, Blob, you’re pollutin’ the air.

Blob: I don’t care, bear.

Sugar Bear: Well, I do. (He dashes off to bring out a machine with a shower head to douse out the fire and drench Blob) So I put out the fire and clear out the air.

NC: Take that, Al Gore! (He bites his thumb, flicking it to the camera)

Sugar Bear’s Girlfriend: You deserve a reward, Sugar.

Sugar Bear: Super Sugar Crisp is my reward.

NC (voiceover): Yeah, he’s just, like, “Fuck off, bitch. I got some cereal that needs eating.”

Giant: (in a different commercial, pursuing Sugar Bear down a beanstalk) Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum! That looks good, and I want some!

NC (voiceover): Eventually, the story became that all these evil baddies would try to steal his Golden Crisp.

Sugar Bear: What’s up, fellas?

Shark #1: Your time, Sugar Bear.

Shark #2: We’re due here for a punch.

NC (voiceover): As soon as he popped a few in his mouth, he became like ''Popeye'' and kicked ass.

Sugar Bear: (defeats a snake) I guess that snake’s bite is hiss-tory.

NC (voiceover): (dubs over Sugar Bear, speaking like Popeye) Yeah, I can’t gets enough of me Golden Crisp. Agagagaga.

Sugar Bear: (as a giant falls to the ground) Every man is falling for that great and crunchy.

NC (voiceover): There’s an even stranger plot that evolved where he constantly tries to steal Golden Crisp from an old lady. Isn’t that a little…um…low?

Old Lady: Here comes that singing bear again to steal my Post Sugar Crisp cereal.

Sugar Bear: (knocks the cereal off of her hands) I’ll take that.

NC: (shrugs) Well, if there’s anyone that can make robbing from the elderly cool, it’s Sugar Bear!

NC (voiceover): Always smooth, always laid back, and always packed.

Sugar Bear: I can’t get enough of Super Golden Crisp / It’s got the crunch with touch.

==#2==
NC (voiceover): Number 2—The Trix Rabbit from “Trix.”

NC (voiceover): This character is like a Greek tragedy. Along with Oedipus and Antigni, the Trix Rabbit will always be remembered as a great tragic figure. All he wants is Trix, just a simple little cereal that he decided to devote his entire life to. But will the kids ever give him the damn stuff? NO! And why?

Kid #1: Trix are for kids.

NC (voiceover): Because they’re fucking assholes! That’s why! It’s like the natural order of things: The world goes around, the sun always comes up, and the Trix Rabbit must suffer. How horribly cruel!

Kid #2: Silly rabbit! New Trix still for kids.

Trix Rabbit: Don’t tell me.

NC (Voiceover): What did he ever do to any other human being? Just cut him a break!

Trix Rabbit: (dressed in Santa’s red suit) Joy to the world! I’m going to get to eat Trix!

NC (voiceover): Look, even ''Santa'' steals from him! What a jolly old prick! (Trix Rabbit is shown crying as two kids laugh) Even with the help of Bugs Bunny, he could never seem to get any.

Bugs Bunny: (measures Trix Rabbit) Have I got a disguise for you.

(Cut to Trix Rabbit approaching a live-action girl eating the cereal)

Trix Rabbit: Yeah, make that “bunny.” (He flips out of his costume in excitement) Whoopee! (The girl takes the cereal box away from him) Oh?

Girl: Silly, Rabbit. (Trix Rabbit groans)

(Bugs is watching all this from a mini-TV and turns it off before laying back on his beach chair)

Bugs Bunny: I prefer a happy ending.

NC (voiceover): God, that’s pretty bad when even Bugs can’t stand to watch your misery. (the clip of Bugs turning the TV off is shown again) There’s even this one commercial I love where you think he’s finally gonna get it.

Man: (pours out a cereal of Trix) After all these years of “Trix are for kids!” well…

(The Man unzips himself to reveal the Trix Rabbit underneath)

Trix Rabbit: …they’re for rabbits! (He laughs hysterically before grabbing for a carton of milk to star pouring, but only one drop comes out) Uh?

Announcer: [[War of the Commercials|Got milk?]]

NC: Bastards!

NC (voiceover): So I guess the Trix Rabbit is a way of showing kids humanity’s a natural cruelty to others.

NC: It’s not right, it’s not fair, but you gotta just deal with it! (Beat) Trix are for kids, motherfucker! Ha, ha!

NC (voiceover): The Trix Rabbit, because hey, we’re just flat-out sadists.

Trix Rabbit: Sure fell for that one.

==#1==
NC (voiceover): And the number 1 greatest cereal mascot is…Tony the Tiger from “Frosted Flakes.”

NC (voiceover): This is the cereal icon we all wanted to be: the sport star, the guy that said that if you just eat my sugar-coated crusty paper, you’ll be unstoppable like me.

Tony the Tiger: Good? They’re grrrrrreat!

NC (Voiceover): How can you not like this guy? He’s strong, he’s athletic, and has a clean personality, unlike some of the other addicts on this countdown. Every ad seemed the same. You got some kid who’s being made fun of before the big game.

Hockey Player #1: Hey, kid!

Hockey Player #2: Good shot, yesterday!

Teen #1: Come on! See if you are any good.

Girl: You two up for a little game?

Teen #2: Wanna take a horsey ride?

NC: (as a rival bully) Hey, wimp! I heard that you cry when your mother got slaughtered by your drunken father. (He mocks sobbing by pretending to rub under his eyes with his fists)

NC (voiceover): Then Tony’s Frosted Flakes seems to get the kid the extra energy that he or she needs.

Tony and Hero Hockey Player: They’re grrrrrreat!

(Cut to the hockey game with Tony participating)

Background Singer: Bring out the tiger / No one to…

NC: Uh, who let the tiger out on the ice?

(The hero hockey player makes the goal and holds up a trophy in triumph)

Tony the Tiger: (to the camera) And you!

NC: (while giving the middle finger) Frosted Flakes: the middle finger of breakfast.

NC (voiceover): Actually, Tony started out in 1958 and even had a son named Tony, Jr.

Tony the Tiger: Sugar Frosted Flakes, by Kellogg's out of Battle Creek [Michigan].

NC (voiceover): His voice was different, too. It was done by Dallas McKennon, who you may recognize from that Haunted Mansion ride.*

(A clip of the Haunted Mansion ride (featuring the singing of Thurl Ravenscroft instead) is shown)

*(NOTE: NC makes another mistake here of mixing up the fact he says Dallas McKennon lent his voice for the Haunted Mansion ride instead of Thurl Ravenscroft, who also voiced Tony the Tiger.)

Tony the Tiger (voiced by Dallas McKennon): They’re grrrrrreat!

NC (Voiceover): Then the voice was continued by Thurl Ravenscroft, who sang a lot of the songs from “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.”

Tony the Tiger (voiced by Thurl Ravenscroft): (to a kid) You show him, but first, let’s start with a complete breakfast including my Frosted Flakes.

NC (voiceover): But after his death in 2005, they gave the job to Lee Marshall, who’s still doing it today.

Tony the Tiger (voiced by Lee Marshall): Go, tiger!

NC (voiceover): He was the only cereal mascot to actually kind of seem like a role model. He was cool, strong, and just a character you can look up to.

Tony the Tiger: (to a man playing tennis) All yours, tiger!

Background Singers: The taste of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes…

Rival Tennis Player: Man, he could hit.

Background Singers: …brings out the tiger in you!

NC (voiceover): Tony the Tiger.

NC: If you didn’t like him, then you’re a grrrrrreat big douchebag! (He flips off at the camera)

Tony the Tiger: And you!

NC: And those are the Top 11 Greatest Cereal Mascots. I hope you enjoyed them, and…before I go, I’d like to acknowledge all the poor souls who sadly lost their lives to the addiction that is…Cocoa Puffs.

(Fade to black before beginning a fake tribute, showing the images of Anna Nicole Smith, Jimi Hendrix, Abraham Lincoln, Spongebob Squarepants, and the Hindenburg Disaster (with the caption “All the passengers of the Hindenburg”))

NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He wipes away a tear as he gets up to leave)

THE END

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[[Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts]]
[[Category:Top 11]]
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