To Boldly Flee: Part 7

To Boldly Flee: Part 7
Date Aired:	September 10th, 2012
Running Time	26:22
Website	http://www.tgwtg.com

Luke is on his bed at his laptop. He suddenly hears a voice as the spirit of The Last Angry Geek appears.

LAG: (phony spooky voice) Luke! Luke!

Luke: Last Angry Geek?

LAG: Luke, you must go to the internet. There you will find Master Oan, the high brow reviewer. He will teach you the ways of the Plot.

Luke: Internet? High brow reviewer?

LAG: There you will find the means to defeat Darth Snob, the douchebag who defeated me.

Luke: I-I can't do that. I can't kill my best friend. That's impossible.

LAG: Luke, nothing's impossible. You simply have to swallow your humanity, leave your body and shove a laser sword down your best friend's asophogus. It's the only civilized way.

Luke: Maybe there's another way. Maybe there's still some good in him.

LAG: He is more corporate now than man. Twisted and evil, while you're still pure and innocent.

Luke: I can't do it. Isn't there someone else? I'm surprised Film Brain wasn't interested.

LAG: Well...

Cut to Film Brain screaming in the corner.

FB: AAAAAHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHH!!!

LAG: Will you calm down?! I'm not trying to scare you! I want to - I'm trying to help you defeat the dark side! Stop yelling, British sissy boy! Oh forget it!

Cut back to him with Luke.

LAG: He wasn't available. Find Master Oan. Listen closely and guard your emotions, for they could be made to serve the Executor. Woo! I'm a ghost, Luke. (Fades out)

Luke starts to search the internet as we cut to Terl and Zod's ship.

Terl: (vo) Executor, we- WOAH! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!?!

Terl: You look like a melted candle!

Executor: My battle with the critics has left me scaaaaarrrred!

Zod: The Death Bomb is nearly complete.

Executor: Goooooood! Then your work here is finished, my friends. Remain on the command ship and await my further orders. With our fast armada, nothing can defeat us now.

Terl: What of the critics and the Snob?

Executor: It is of no concern. Soon the critics will be crushed and the Snob is now one of us. This calls for a celebration. Throw a big Hollywood Coke party. Funnel at that money that we should have been giving to those screenwriters.

Zod: Excellent! We'll need a reliable source of entertainment. I'll put an ad on Craigslist.

Terl: With all due respect, Executor, I don't feel safe throwing a party while the critic still lives.

Zod: Nonsense! You heard the man. We're invincible. It's party time.

Terl: I don't want a party.

Zod: We are going to do a party!

Terl: (whiny) We never do anything I want!

Executor: Hey, don't make me separate you two.

Luke manages to find Oancitizen aka Master Oan at his home.

Oancitizen: Oh, hi, um. Luke, right?

Luke: Hey, Oancitizen. Um, this is going to sound weird but ... I'm in space and this ghostly apparition just came to me and said that you should be a mentor and I...

Oancitizen: Wait. Wait. You want me to be a mentor? You want me to allure over to you my intellecutal prowess and always be right in your eyes? I knew this day would come. One moment.

He dons a headset of Yoda's ears. He then leaves his room and suddenly appears next to Luke.

Oancitizen: Hi, there.

Luke: Wait, how did you do that?

Oancitizen: Nothing can stop my true calling of being a mentor.

Luke: Yeah, but how did you get here?

Oancitizen: Jump cut. Well, technically jump cut aligned with parallel action that's very Stephen Scharf. I'll give you the book later. Anyway. Jump Cut. One of the many tools of the Plot.

Luke: The Plot. Yes, that's what I need to know. Master Oan. Will you teach me the ways of the Plot?

Oancitizen: Of course. Help you I can. Mmm hmm hmm hmm. (Stands) But it will take months of training. Long grueling hours stuck in the swamp. Holling me around, eating lousy porriage. Give me a sponge bath.

Luke: Uh, I only have a few minutes.

Oancitizen: Ah. Well, in that case, take this.

He hands him a tube with writing on it.

Luke: "Alex Proyasac -- A Lifetime of Training in a Single Syringe." Is it safe?

Oancitizen: I certainly hope so.

He thrusts the tube into Luke's head as a blinding light takes over. Luke finds himself flying through space as Oancitizen shows him several images and clips of films as he speaks.

Oancitizen: (vo) You're probably wondering why I keep appearing in your thoughts. It's because I've inserted myself in them. I am here to teach you about the Plot. A character's strengh flows through the plot, but beware the dark side. (Pictures on money appear) Protectionism. Stifling creativity. Selling out. These lead to the dark side. Darth Snob was suduced by the Dark Side of the Plot. He thought infamy would make his work last forever, but he forget something very important.

Luke: (vo) What's that?

Oancitizen: (vo) Bad art is a distraction. Great art changes people.

Luke: (vo) But how can we change people if there's so much crap?

Oancitizen: (vo) Patience. For every two dozen Phantom Menaces, there is a Return of the King. For every two-bit Shyamalan, a Stanley Kubrick is born. For every poor soul who groans during an Adam Sandler-funded Rob Schneider vehicle, there is a child crying life's tears when Bambi's mom is shot. Somewhere out there, a film student is finding out what Rosebud means for the first time. A man is pausing as Fredo prays the Hail Mary on a boat over Lake Taho. A woman grasps her heart as Bohe's Love flies off into the foggy night. All it takes is one moment to change a person and that one moment, no matter how fleeting, is worth a thousand Transformers.

Luke: (vo) I think I understand.

Oancitizen: (vo) That's it, Luke. I know you can beat them, but you must stay true. Remember, the plot can be what you make of it.

More arthouse cinema is shown as Luke (and the audience for that matter) beholds their greatness. A blinding light brings Luke back to his room as he pulls the tube out of his head.

Luke: I'm ready.

Oancitizen nods as they leave together. Cut to the reviewers gathered in the basement.

NChick: Todd, um. I really don't think this is going to work out.

Todd: I know.

NChick: I mean. I know you're a really nice guy...

Todd: I know.

NChick: And it's not you. It's me.

Todd: I know.

NChick: I'm glad we had this talk.

Todd: I'm glad you did, too. (They shake hands)

Lupa: Can you imagine if you ever did date her?

Todd: Pft. Yeah. In what parallel universe would that happen?

We see Marzgurl in front of JO, who is holding a cardboard drawing of their plan attack that looks like it was drawn by a kindergartener. It even says "Drawn by Edward!!!"

Marzgurl: The Executor has made a critical error and the time for our attack has come. Based on our information, we know he has constructed a space station: a Death Bomb designed to destroy the critics and to seize control of the plot hole orbitting Jupiter. It is located near the hole. It is relatively unguarded except for this ginormous armada of heavily armed ships. (Joe and Lupa gulp) We believe that a steady assault will cripple the fleet and expose the Death Bomb to our attacks, but most importantly, we have learned that the Executor himself is personally overseeing the final stages of its construction. Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

Sage: (confused) What the hell's a Bothan?

Marzgurl: Nobody knows. They're all dead.

SadPanda: All right, so what's the plan then?

Marzgurl: For that, we go to "God Emperor... (reads her hand) ...Most High Major Captain Lord Phelous."

Paw: We have really got to stop letting him promote himself.

Phelous: Using the information provided by Film Brain, (Angry Joe clears his throat) and the Bothans, we use a special attack force led by Marzgurl. (Continually tapping the board with the marker) Now this attack force will sneak aboard Zod's ship and dissable the armada from the main control room. But to do this, we'll need a distraction.

Marzgurl: Any volunteers?

NChick: I'll do it.

Todd: Really?

NChick: Yeah. Dealing with ... (flicks her hand at Todd's face) that has made me realize why get stuck with a man when I can stick it to the man.

Joe: Count me in.

Luke: (vo) Me too.

Luke and Oancitizen enter. Luke is now dressed as, you guessed it, Luke Skywalker.

Joe: Oh, hey Oancitizen. You want to go on a violent sneak attack with us?

Oancitizen: Sure. I can milk this cameo for a few more scenes.

Marzgurl: Excellent! Phelous, since you're leading the space attack, I guess that means you're promoted to ... Jesus. Are you capable?

Phelous: Capable? This is the greatest day of my red shirt life...

He suddenly explodes and then reappears on Marzgurl's other side.

Marzgurl: Think you can handle it?

Phelous: Oh yeah.

Marzgurl: Great!

FB: Wait a second. We didn't give the Critic a chance to offer his contribution.

The crew looks to the side to find the pondering Critic in his chair in the corner.

NC: My contribution I'll give swiftly, once I think of it, in the confines of my triple protected bunker.

Sage: I sensed he say that.

Joe: Well then, let's DO this! For the Bothans!

Everybody: FOR THE BOTHANS!

NC nods approvingly but suddenly looks concerned as he continues to ponder.

Meanwhile, over at the Death Bomb, we the see the armada of ships as well as Zod and Terl's house ship. We cut to inside the ship as the henchman are seated on the couch holding Coca-Cola cans and looking bored.

Terl: You know, when he said Big Hollywood Coke party, I'm not exactly sure this is what I had in mind.

Zod: Come on, guys. It's a party! Don't you guys know how to act at a party?

Terl: Was that what you're calling this? I've seen Amish funerals more exciting.

Zod: Oh, come on. We have music! We have dance!

Terl: Music? Look at this place! It's like a rave run by the Morman Tabernacle Choir.

Zod: Oh, please! On Planet Krypton, Zod threw many a wicked kager.

Henchman: Do you have any kagers here?

Zod: No drinking while on duty!

Henchmen: Ah!

Zod: Come on, you guys! Perk up. (They are still bored and Zod sighs) I'll go get Apples to Apples.

Terl: Well, you enjoy the festivities. I'm off to scour the lonely recesses of deep space for more D-List internet critics.

Henchmen: Take us with you. Take us with you.

Terl: No! Stay here and party!

Henchmen: Oh!

Back on the Exit Strategy.

Mickey: Sir, we're within range. Two sectors away.

Phelous: Can they track us?

Mickey: Not yet sir.

Phelous: Good. Prepare the away team for beaming. (Hits the intercom) Critic, I hate to interrupt your bunker time, but the real heroes are ready.

NC's chair is empty.

Phelous: (vo) Critic?

NC heads upstairs and is about to head out the door.

FB: Critic. Where are you going?

NC: You know where I'm going.

FB: You can't just leave us now. We need you. I need you. You're like a hero to me.

NC: Oh, come on, Film Brain. I'm no hero.

FB: Yes you are! You're the best critic there is.

NC: I'm not even a good critic! All I do is yell and scream at things I don't like. What kind of critic does that?

FB: You gave us a voice. A place to call our own.

NC: And how many Ma-Tis will it take? How many crappy laws were invented because of my bullshit? Cinema Snob was right. Nothing lasts forever. What are you gonna do when the bottom falls out of this bullshit?

FB: That's for us to decide.

NC: Well, I've made my choice.

FB: And what if it's the wrong choice?

NC: (sighs) Something is out there, Film Brain. Something is calling me. Maybe it's nothing, but maybe it's something. Maybe it's something where I can be useful. Maybe it's something where I can make a difference. Maybe it's something where I can do something meaningful and not just hurt people! Whatever it is, it has the answers I'm looking for. It has the truth.

FB: What if the truth will haunt your dreams for all time?

NC: Did you really just quote Orlando Jones from The Time Machine?

FB: Pft. No. I was quoting the trailer. No one saw that piece of crap.

NC: My point exactly. Nobody needs me.

FB: Critic, if you go in that thing, you may never return.

NC: (sighs) Return was never an option. Goodbye. (The door is opening as the air is sucked out but the Critic walks back past Film Brain) Forgot that leads to space.

Film Brain looks sad as CR! comes upstairs.

CR: Hey, you're looking chipper. Listen, can you watch Engine Room for me? Uh, much like James Kirk in space-y, I've got something big, burly, and revolting I need to, uh, exile. You know what I mean? OK.

Cut to Film Brain in Engineering with Luke at his side.

Luke: It's the Critic, isn't it?

FB: The team's not here. Wait outside.

Luke: I know. I'm not going with them.

FB: What? Where are you going?

Luke: You need to beam me there.

FB: But that's...

Luke: You MUST!

FB: But they'll kill you!

Luke: Listen to me. You're not going to believe me but you need to hear me out. This goes against everything that life, the universe, and everything says is common sense, but if I don't make it back and the Critic gets stuck there, you're the only hope for the internet.

FB: You're right. I don't believe you.

Luke: You're going to have to try your best.

FB: But what do you want me to do?

Luke: Trust in the Critic, but then trust in me, then trust in yourself, to do the right thing.

FB: And what IS the right thing?

Luke: Keep a close eye on Spoony. You'll figure it out.

FB: (hesitantly prepares the teleportation) See you around, Dudley Do-Right.

Luke: Later, Spotted Dick.

Luke is teleported out as CR! comes back in.

CR: All right, now that that's done, strike team. Let's get rolling.

Back on the house ship, Zod is reading the Apples to Apples box.

Zod: A hilarious game where everyone's opinion counts.

The teleportation sound is heard outside Zod's door. He slowly approaches the door and opens it to reveal Nostalgia Chick and Oancitizen dressed as Ursa and Non from Superman II.

Zod: Ursa! Non! I haven't seen you since Planet Hoosten. What a wonderful surprise!

NChick: Darling. So good to see you.

Zod: Kisses. (They exchange a couple of air cheek kisses) Oh, well I simply must introduce you to everybody. Everyone! I want you to meet two of my closest friends: Ursa, whose cruelty even extended to the children of Krypton, and Non. He's a mindless apparition whose only means of communication is want and violence and destruction. (Oancitizen is about to speak...) He's also a mute. That's very important to know. (The henchmen clap their cans) So tell me. Tell me. What are you doing here? Oh, don't let me know. You're the entertainment. Oh ho! Craigslist, you've done it again. Tell me, will you sing?

NChick: (Oancitizen nods) No.

Zod: But Non is nodding Yes.

NChick: That means "No" on Krypton.

Zod: No it doesn't.

NChick: They changed it.

Zod: When?

NChick: After you left.

Zod: But you were with me when...

NChick: WIKI it!

Zod: Oh, well I simply won't let you leave until you sing the number one 1983 Kryptonian single. Oh ho. Let the musical mouth begin.

Oancitizen: (smugly) Oh no. We have no choice. We have to sing.

NChick: I'm singing. You're not. It will give us away.

Oancitizen: But they need to hear my musical pipes.

NChick: They're gonna break your musical pipes if you don't keep quiet.

Oancitizen: Do you even know the number one Kryptonian hit from 1983?

NChick: Well, thanks to Mechakara... (a computer screen appears in front of her face as her Borg-ness downloads the song) ...I do now.

Oancitizen: You should get that looked at.

Meanwhile, Darth Snob approaches the Executor.

Executor: I thought I told you to get me an egg-mcmuffin.

Darth Snob: A small rebel force has made its way into this sector.

Executor: Yes, I know.

Darth Snob: I feel that my apprentice is among them.

Executor: Young Mochrie? Strange. I did not feel his presence. Are your thoughts unsemantic clear, Lord Snob?

Darth Snob: Clear as Pepsi. Crystal Pepsi.

Executor: Yuck! That shit's nasty!

Darth Snob: I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

Executor: Very well, then. When he comes before you, you will bring him before me.

Darth Snob: He will come before me?

Executor: Yes. I have forseen it.

Darth Snob: How?

Executor: He's standing right next to you.

Darth Snob: (Looks to see Luke at his side) My master, I have brought you my apprentice.

Executor: Sure you did. Welcome, young Mochrie. I look forward to completing your training. By now, you must know that your friend can never be turned from the Dark Side of the Plot.

Luke: Your over-confidence is your weakness.

Executor: Your faith in the internet is yours.

Darth Snob: My hope that Crystal Pepsi will make a resurgance is mine. (They are both confused) What? I feel like I hand to contribute something.

Back on Zod's ship

Zod: OK, we're starting this party over. Hit it.

This will lead us into the film's signature musical number "Distraction."

Distraction by Zod and NChick

There’s a fire going on, but the party’s just begun, So keep your focus looking at me tonight. So the world’s about to end, gonna party with my friends, And ain’t nobody gonna say it’s not right And I know nothing’s gonna stand in my way, no matter the people may say Just don’t turn around and keep looking straight And I see that everybody’s starting to yell, how the world around you’s going to Hell I’m here to tell you all it’s just fate. I’m a distraction, of pure satisfaction, Keep your eyes all on me, for what you’re gonna see, Will redefine the height of attraction I’m a distraction, and I’m ready for action So the world’s gonna blow, stop complaining and go to the show. There’s explosions in the sky, and the neighborhood is fried, But you don’t have join them in all the fuss, Act like nothing’s going wrong, and just keep playing my song Until there’s nothing left around here but us.

And I know something’s gonna happen tonight, all the stars around us start taking flight, But there’s something that invites me to stay Cause I’m drawn to the rhythm of the music they play, and we’re all gonna die anyway, So enjoy it while you can, come what may.

We’re a distraction, of pure satisfaction There’s a war going on, but in here we all won, ‘Cause nobody is slowing the traction.

Take a step, come inside, buy a stub, ride the ride of your life

Nothing ever will come from saying never so join the fun where ever it is, There’s a power that’s growing by the hour I’m positive I don’t want to miss I’m a distraction…

We’re a distraction, of pure satisfaction,

Keep your eyes all on me, for what you’re gonna see, Will redefine the height of attraction I’m a distraction, and I’m ready for action So the world’s gonna blow, stop complaining and go, just start watching the show, cause there’s no more to know, here we go!

I’m a distraction,

he’s a distraction,

we’re a distraction,

we're a distraction!